


Unfinished Business

by zroe



Series: Imperfect [2]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-02
Updated: 2018-02-23
Packaged: 2018-08-19 03:51:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 90
Words: 179,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8188540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zroe/pseuds/zroe
Summary: Two years after an amazing realization and a life altering decision that severed their relationship, Clarke and Lexa are unexpectedly living in the same town again. They say that time changes everything. Has it changed them?Note: They’re still going to make you crazy.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to contact me here:  
> • z.roe@hotmail.com  
> • @zroe_z (Twitter)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If this is your first time reading this, I would suggest reading Part I first, you might be lost on some things otherwise.

Clarke sat at her table, going through stacks of paperwork and muttering to herself. She could feel Raven’s eyes on her from the couch and had been doing her damnedest to ignore her.

“Stop staring at me,” she finally caved.  
“You know, muttering is really annoying.” Raven told her, without looking away.  
“So is staring.” Clarke rebuffed quickly.  
“Fair enough.” Raven accepted with a nod. “What are you doing?”  
“Working.” Clarke responded, but didn't elaborate.  
“Damn, some one woke up on the wrong side of the bed.” Raven shook her head.  
Clarke sighed, feeling an annoyance building in her stomach. “Remind me again, why did I let you move in here?”

Raven had been living there for about a year now. She had moved in almost immediately after Octavia announced that she was going to go live with Lincoln. Clarke would have been content to live alone, but Raven wouldn't hear a word about it.

Raven grinned. “Someone has to keep an eye on your crazy ass.”  
Clarke gave a quick shrug and nodded as she tucked some of her red locks behind her ear and returned to her paperwork. While she didn't need a babysitter, she knew that Raven had a point.

A lot had changed in the last couple of years. While the group was still close, they had also become slightly splintered and Clarke knew that in a way, she was responsible for that fact. Well, her and Lexa.

Lexa… It had been just over two years since they’d last spoken, or rather, since Lexa had last attempted to speak to her. 

Lexa’s hasty decision to drop everything and move across the country had definitely hit the group hard, but no one nearly as much as Clarke. The devastation for her, had hit on multiple levels. Though for a couple of months, Lexa did try to talk to her and even explain, Clarke just didn't want to hear it and now, she just didn't care. She couldn't. Caring about it just hurt too much.

“Fuck,” Clarke muttered as she pushed the stack of papers aside.  
“You alright over there?” Raven asked glancing toward her.  
“Fine,” Clarke said as she got to her feet. “I’ll see you later.”

Clarke grabbed her keys off of the counter and made her way out to her car. She just needed to drive. Driving always helped clear her mind and lately, it had seemed more full than usual.

Falling in love with Lexa was never something that she’d planned on, but when it hit her, it hit her hard, harder than anything that she’d ever felt before. Telling Lexa how she felt had been huge. It was, without a doubt, the scariest thing that she had ever done, but she did it, she did it knowing the risk and willing to accept whatever came from it. She just never expected what actually happened.

Clarke sat at a red light, tapping her fingers the steering wheel. 

She never expected Lexa to tell her that she loved her too, but that she didn't want her. She never expected Lexa to choose her work over their relationship, without even giving them an actual chance. She never expected that admitting that she was in love with Lexa would leave her as an angry, hollow version of herself.

A horn blared out behind her and Clarke raised her middle finger into the air, pausing for just another second before finally stepping on the gas.

It had been hard, after Lexa left. Life just seemed darker without her - emptier and nothing that Clarke did seemed to fill the void, so she just pushed forward. Life went on. She still got up and did what she was supposed to, still went to work and socialized with her friends, though admittedly, she skipped out on a lot of their weekends now. Sometimes, they were just too much to take. Sometimes, seeing everyone together made her ache to talk to Lexa and really, that was the last thing that she wanted to do.

Before Clarke knew it, the sun had set and though her heart felt a little heavier, her head was finally lighter, so she decided to go home. A heavy heart was a lot easier to deal with than a full head.

She walked through the door to find Raven sitting at the table, munching on a bowl of cereal and scrolling through her phone. “Wow, you're head’s still attached.” She said sarcastically as she glanced up at her.  
“What is that supposed to mean?” Clarke questioned her harsher than intended.  
Raven set her spoon down. “Well, you didn't respond to the announcement so…”  
“I didn't have my phone.” Clarke cut in and gestured lazily toward the counter.  
“Shit,” Raven muttered and quickly returned her attention to her food.

Clarke stared at her curiously for a second before going and picking up her phone.

***New Event Created***

MontyG: Hey guys! Who’s coming next weekend?  
JasperJ: You know I’ll be there!  
Reyes: Me too!  
BabyBlake: Lincoln and I are in.  
Linc: Definitely.  
Reyes: You cooking, O?  
BabyBlake: I think so? I have something new that I want to try.  
Reyes: Nice!  
BigBlake: Have to see what the week brings.  
BabyBlake: Ugh.  
MontyG: Fair enough.  
BabyBlake: Clarke? What about you?  
BabyBlake: Clarke?  
BabyBlake; Rae, where is she?  
Reyes: No Clue. She took off awhile ago.  
A: Can I bring a guest?  
MontyG: Sure.  
Reyes: Who??  
A: Well, I found this idiot wandering around the airport.  
A: IMG_788

Clarke’s eyes went wide as a spark of anger ignited within her and all of the air was ripped from her lungs. There on the screen was Lexa. She was dressed in a dark, tailored suit with her hair pulled back in intricate braids and her eyes squinted against the sun. She had a cellphone in one hand, pressing it firmly to her ear and a cigarette in the other. Wait, since when did Lexa smoke?

MontyG added Commander to the conversation.

MontyG: Welcome home, Lexa. :)  
Reyes: Well, I’ll be damned.  
BabyBlake: Seconded.  
JasperJ: Lexa! :)  
BigBlake: I did not see that coming.  
Linc: Welcome back.  
Commander: Hey everyone. Sorry, for the sudden intrusion.  


Clarke stared at the messages. There was no way that this was actually happening. Turning on her heal, she stormed into her bedroom and slammed the door. What the hell was Lexa doing here? She shouldn't be here, not anymore. She left. She chose San Francisco. After pacing for a few moments, she finally sent a response.

Princess: Absolutely OUT.  
MontyG: :(  
BabyBlake: Don’t be like that.  
BigBlake: Come on, Clarke…  
Princess: Not interested.  
Commander: Clarke, we run in the same circle. Can we at least pretend to be civil?

Clarke bit the inside of her cheek, fuming as she stared at the phone. This woman was unbelievable.

Princess: Ran, not run.  
Commander: Run. The only person I didn’t maintain contact with was you.  
BabyBlake: Here we go…  
Reyes: Great…

Clarke flung open her door and walked back into the the kitchen. “You’ve been in contact with Lexa?” She barked as she stared at Raven in disbelief. “All this time?”  
Raven sighed as she placed her bowl into the sink. “She’s my friend, Clarke.” She said as she turned to face her. “You didn't want to talk to Lexa or about her and everyone respected that.”  
Clarke just stared at her. Lexa had stayed in touch with everyone, except her? Talk about adding insult to injury.  
“She tried to…” Raven began.  
“Don’t.” Clarke shook her head, feeling the bile begin to rise in her throat. She didn't want to hear it.  
“Don’t be that asshole, Griffin.” Raven snapped suddenly. “Did you really expect everyone just to cut Lexa off because you two didn't end up together?”

Hell yes! As soon as the thought entered her mind, Clarke knew how ridiculous it was, but in that moment, she didn’t care. Scooping up her keys again, she made her way to the door. “Whatever,” she scoffed before slamming the door.

Before she could even make it to her car, the bile that had built up in her throat became too much and she had to get it out. Dropping to her knees, she emptied the bottom of her stomach into the bushes and forced back the tears that were threatening her eyes. She was not going to cry. She was absolutely not going to cry. Fuck. Now she was crying.

She didn't want to deal with this. Lexa shouldn't be here. She had left. She had consciously chosen to walk away. She couldn't just slip back into their lives like nothing had ever happened. It wasn't right, it wasn't fair. She had no right to be here, not anymore. 

Again, as soon as the thought entered her mind, Clarke knew how ridiculous it was. She didn't own the area, or their friends. Clearly everyone still wanted to maintain contact with Lexa and honestly, they had no reason not to. Wiping her mouth, Clarke sighed and got to her feet. She wasn't ready for what was coming, she knew that much. There was no way to prepare for what being in the vicinity of Lexa might do to her, but, she had to find out. She had to face it. 

Princess: In.


	2. Chapter 2

Lexa snuffed out her cigarette and walked into the bar. This was the last place that she had expected to be, but now that she was, it just felt weird. Good, but weird. Two years didn't seem like a long time, but after being away from everything and everyone that you've ever known, hell, it might as well had been a lifetime.

She hadn't come back, not once. She probably could have, in fact, she was sure that she should have, but she knew that it would have been a bad idea. It would have hurt too much. As it was, she had only been back in town for a couple of hours and a familiar ache was already settling in her chest.

“Did you have to come off like such an ass?” Anya asked from her stool.  
“I wasn't being an ass,” Lexa defended quickly. “I was being direct. It’s true, we do run in the same circle and I have maintained contact with everyone, except for her.”  
“You could have just left it alone.” Anya shrugged.  
“I could have done a lot of things.” Lexa countered as she took a sip of her drink and her phone went off.

Raven: Stop being such an asshole!  
O: Seriously, did you have to be such a dick?  
Lexa: I wasn't trying to be.  
Raven: Fail!

Lexa sighed. “Okay, so apparently you're not the only one who thought that I was being an asshole,” she said as she looked her phone and loosened her collar a bit.  
“Yeah, that’s because you were.” Anya said, tipping her glass.  
Lexa rubbed her temple firmly. Brilliant. “I told you that you didn't have to message them,” she reminded her sister. “I'm sure that I would have run into everyone eventually.”  
“Then I would be the asshole.” Anya shook her head. “No, thank you.”  
Lexa gave her a slightly defeated shrug.  
“I still can't even believe you're here.” Anya smiled at her.  
“That makes two of us.” Lexa agreed with a nod.  
“You look really good,” she told her, “and yet, shitty at the same time. I’m not exactly sure how you manage it.”  
“Determination and hard work.” Lexa mumbled, bringing her glass back up to her lips.  
“Are you sure you won't stay with me?” Anya questioned. “I wouldn't mind at all.”  
“No. I'm fine in a hotel.” Lexa shook her head. “I'll get a place eventually.”

They sat in an odd silence for a moment, each just sipping their drinks and lost in their own thoughts.

“So, are you going to try to rekindle things?” Anya finally asked. “With Clarke, I mean?”  
“Eh, no. Not like that.” Lexa shook her head. “I think it’s safe to say, that she ship has sailed.”  
“Then what?” Anya pushed as she rested her cheek against her fist.  
“Civility?” Lexa shrugged. “Maybe even friendship, someday.”  
“Yeah,” Anya scoffed quickly. “I think you’re well on your way to fucking that one up, squirt.”  
Lexa chuckled in spite of herself. Maybe she was. Shit.

She hadn’t meant to come off as rude. Hell, the words didn’t even sound rude in her head, but all things considered, she could see how it probably came across. Arrogant and hurtful. Fuck. 

“It feels strange, doesn’t it?” Anya’s voice filled her hears. “Being back here.”  
“Beyond.” Lexa answered simply.  
“Do you regret leaving?” She asked curiously.  
Lexa clenched her jaw, her eye twitch slightly. “I regretted it, the moment that I decided to do it,” she replied stiffly. She totally regretted it.  
“Can I ask why you didn’t want to try to make it work with Clarke?” Anya questioned her cautiously. “She offered to move to with you, so why wouldn’t you….”  
Lexa sighed. “One, we weren’t even together and two,” she winced slightly, “because, I wasn’t there.”  
“What do you mean you weren’t there?’ Anya shook her head in confusion.

Oh boy, here we go.

“In San Francisco. Well, I mean, I was, sometimes. I had a small studio apartment there,” Lexa explained, waving her hand, “but, I really didn’t live there. They had me traveling a lot - they have offices all over, so I’ve spent most of the last two years just bouncing around.”  
“What, where?” Anya asked, clearly shocked that she had no knowledge of this.  
“Everywhere,” Lexa shrugged simply. “All over the country, even out of it, a couple of times.”  
“You didn’t think to tell anyone?” Anya questioned her again, the annoyance in her voice was more than obvious.  
Lexa shook her head. Would there have been a point?

While it was true that she had maintained contact with her friends, it was also true that said contact, was rare. After trying, unsuccessfully, for months to get Clarke to talk to her, Lexa had just put her nose to the grindstone and did what she needed to do. In hindsight, she probably should have at least mentioned it to her sister and taking in Anya’s look, she was starting to regret that she didn’t.

“You know, I should really kick your ass right now.” Anya glared at her angrily.  
Lexa rolled her eyes slightly. “Look, I didn’t know when I took the job that it was going to be like that,” she explained with a sigh. “A lot of things changed quickly. I found out after I accepted it, but...”  
“Before you left.” Anya finished her sentence.  
“Exactly.” Lexa snapped harshly. “Which, in case you didn’t figure it out, is also why it would have been wrong for me to ask Clarke to come with me. How could I? I didn’t even know where I was going to be or for how long?”  
“Well, I can understand that, but you could have just told her that, instead of being so horrible to her.” Anya shook her head disapprovingly. “I know that we never really talked about it, but I was pretty disappointed when I heard about how you acted.”  
“I know that you were. I didn’t mean for it to go the way it did.” Lexa insisted quickly and shook her head. “I never wanted to hurt Clarke, you know that I didn't. Everything just happened so fast.”  
“No excuse.” Anya scolded her lightly.  
“I agree, it’s not, but it is true.” Lexa pulled another cigarette out of her pack and tapped it on the bar. She didn't want to think about this, let alone talk about it.

It was true. She hadn’t gone over to see Clarke with the intent of being so rude or hurtful. She wanted to talk it out, to explain what was happening and why, but from the moment she had opened her mouth, everything went to shit. Just complete shit. She had been afraid and being afraid had made her defensive, and being defensive had made her stupid. She just went into a complete shutdown, letting empty, callous words fall from her lips and fighting back even the slightest reaction to Clarke’s obvious pain.

“I still can’t believe you started smoking,” Anya said as she stared at her.  
“Yeah well,” Lexa shrugged as she slipped off of the bar stool. “I can’t believe a lot of things, but it doesn’t make them any less true.”

Lexa stepped out of the bar and lit her cigarette. She rolled her head from side to side in an attempt to loosen her extremely tense muscles. Anya was the only person who knew that she had accepted the job before Clarke had even told her that she was in love her. Not that it mattered. She knew that everyone would have said that she could have just backed out of the job, which was true, but she had meant it when she called the job an amazing opportunity and backing out right after accepting would have made her look completely unprofessional. Not to mention completely foolish. 

She loved Clarke, she had always loved her, but now, she wished that she had never told her. She hadn’t even meant to say it, it had just come out and it definitely made everything so much worse. Though it had taken her forever to figure it out, being with Clarke was everything that she had ever wanted, but if she was going to be with her, it couldn’t be a half-assed attempt. Clarke deserved better, they deserved better. It needed to be one hundred percent or not at all. But, when it came down to explaining that, she had stumbled so massively and she knew the moment that she saw the look in Clarke’s eyes that the only way that she would relent was if she hurt her, so she did. She really did.

Lexa felt her phone buzz in her pocket and quickly pulled it out. She was expecting another call from Nia about her new job. Nia had known how much she just wanted to come home, so when a position working with her became available, she called immediately and Lexa jumped on it. 

She stared at the screen feeling here eyes narrow curiously.

Princess: In.

Lexa took a long drag off of her cigarette and swallowed hard as stared at the message. Well, shit.

Commander: Clarke, about earlier, I was being unintentionally rude and I apologize.  
Princess: Do you actually do anything with intent anymore?

“Ouch,” Lexa mumbled to herself before putting out her cigarette and heading back inside. Okay. Maybe she should reconsider going to Monty’s.

Once back at the bar, Anya slid a fresh drink in front of her and she quickly took a sip as she set her phone down.

“While I commend you for apologizing, I also feel that I should warn you.” Anya told her.  
“Warn me?” Lexa echoed as she set her glass down. “About what?”  
“Clarke.” Anya answered plainly. “She’s not exactly what you remember.”  
“People change.” Lexa shrugged lightly. She hadn’t expected anything to be the same, least of all, Clarke.  
“Yes, they do.” Anya nodded slowly. “Just keep it in mind and maybe, wear some body armor.”

Something in Anya tone was slightly unnerving. She was missing something, she knew it, but couldn't imagine what it was and before she had a chance to give it much thought her phone went off again.

Raven: You sound like a fucking robot.  
Lexa: I apologized. What else can I do?  
O: Mean it?

Lexa locked her phone and stuffed it back into her pocket as she shook her head with a slight grin. Oh yeah, being back home was going to be great.


	3. Chapter 3

Clarke rolled over in her bed, as the familiar smell of bacon filled her nose, she grinned ever so slightly. “Fucking suck-up,” she yawned, stumbling out of the bed. Slipping into a bulky sweatshirt and tying back her hair, Clarke let out a huff before making her way out of her room and down the hallway. “You’re cooking?” She questioned loudly.  
“Imagine that,” Raven’s voice filled her ears just as she turned the corner and her eyes fell on Octavia.  
“O?” Clarke questioned confused. “What are you doing here?”  
“Cooking.” Octavia answered her without turning around. “What’s it look like? It might be your apartment, but it’s still my kitchen.”

While visits from Octavia were hardly unwelcomed, an unannounced visit usually came with a reason and given the previous night, Clarke had no doubt what this was about and she was definitely not in the mood to deal with it. Not now, and probably not later either. She didn’t need a pep talk or a lecture and certainly not from the two people who had claimed to be her best friends and yet kept the fact that they had maintained a relationship with the one person who had hurt her the most. Though Clarke still knew that she really had no right to begrudge them this, it still pissed her off.

“Why?” Clarke’s eyes narrowed as she waited for the answer that she knew was coming.  
“We want to talk to you.” Octavia replied, still staying very much focused on her cooking.  
“Pass.” Clarke shook her head and quickly turned to leave. Not happening.  
“There’s pancakes.” Raven chimed in from the table.

Clarke paused for a moment, and felt her stomach rumble. Damn it. She was hungry and pancakes were certainly better than anything that she was going to come up with. This totally wasn’t fair. “I hate you both,” she mumbled quickly before dropping down into a chair. She didn’t mean it, not really.  
Octavia finally turned and glanced at her. “I hate your hair,” she shrugged simply. She absolutely meant it.

Fair enough. Clarke reasoned in her head and shrugged. She already knew that everyone hated her with red hair, she simply didn’t care. 

“Do you want some coffee?” Raven asked her as she got to her feet.  
Clarke gave her a slight nod and crossed her arms. “I didn’t do anything wrong,” she said defensively.  
“No one is saying that you did.” Octavia told her matter-of-factly as she set a plate down in front of her.  
“Thanks,” Clarke muttered as she picked up her fork. “So, what do you want to talk about then?”  
“Lexa.” Octavia answered as she sat down.  
“Nope,” Clarke shook her head and quickly dropped her fork back on to the table. “Not interested.”  
“No. Just wait.” Raven said as she returned and set a mug down in front of her. “It’s not really Lexa that we want to discuss, it’s more a misconception that might have occurred last night, while we were all texting.”

Clarke’s eyes floated back and forth between the two of them, her mind jumping back to the previous night. Misconception? What misconception? There were no misconceptions. Lexa was back, she was going to be at Monty’s next weekend and all of her friends had somehow failed to mention the fact that they had all been in contact with her over the last two years. Nope. No misconceptions here.

“Listen, I was a bit of an ass last night,” Raven admitted as she shifted uncomfortably in her seat. “While it is true that I have talked to Lexa, the whole truth, is that I’ve barely talked to Lexa.”  
Clarke furrowed her brow, now feeling confused and just stared back at Raven.  
“She doesn’t really talk to anyone too much.” Octavia piped in with an explanation. “It’s all very random and she never initiates it.”  
“So, you’re not friends with her?” Clarke asked, still feeling confused. What the hell? Either they were or they weren’t.  
“No. I meant what I said,” Raven shook her head. “She is my friend. At least, I consider her my friend, more than that even.”  
“She’s family.” Octavia added with a firm nod. “But, we didn’t want you to think that the contact that we’ve had with her was, I don’t know, more than it is? Like it used to be?”  
“Because it’s not,” Raven said as she shook her head. “Not at all.”  
“Which isn’t surprising, really.” Octavia shrugged lamely. “I mean, I think everyone had a go at her when she left.”

They had always been a fairly open and at times, brutally honest group, so these words really didn’t come as a surprise. Clarke knew that they had all exchanged words with Lexa and also that whatever they had said, it wouldn’t have been all about what happened between the two of them, if at all, but she never asked and they never explained. Raven had been right, after Lexa left, Clarke didn’t want to talk about her and her friends had respected that fact. 

“Regardless,” Raven said before clearing her throat. “I was way harsh with you last night and I really am sorry.”

Clarke gave her a nod as she took a sip of her coffee and sat back in her chair. It was true, Raven had been harsh, but Raven was always harsh. She had actually been more hurt at the thought that Lexa had maintained normal relationships with everyone except for her, so to hear that this wasn’t exactly true, actually made her feel better. Granted, she hadn’t exactly been kind to Lexa after she left – far from it, in fact, but still, the thought just hurt.

Hang on. “Wait, do you talk to her about me?” Clarke asked curiously as she eyed the pair. Oh, the answer had damn well better be no.  
“I haven’t.” Octavia insisted quickly.  
“Nope.” Raven shook her head. “You two, unsurprisingly, have adopted the same position.”  
Clarke nodded. She appreciated the fact that they hadn’t discussed her with Lexa. After all, her life was no longer Lexa’s business. Suddenly another question popped into her mind, instantly causing her eyes to narrow and her jaw to clench. “Did you know that she was coming back?”  
“No,” Raven answered immediately.  
“Absolutely not.” Octavia shook her head. “That, we would have told you.”  
Clarke accepted their answers with a nod as she picked her fork back up and took a bite of her pancake.

As she sat there eating, Clarke tried to force any images or thoughts of Lexa from her mind. This was a constant battle for her. The mere thought of Lexa sent her to such a dark place and at times, it was literally almost more than she could stand. She hated talking about Lexa. She hated thinking about Lexa. She hated Lexa.

Though her memories of their last meeting had become quite sketchy in her mind, the one thing that always came through clear was the anger. On the night that Lexa left, a storm had ripped through every in inch of Clarke, leaving nothing unaffected in its wake. By the time her thoughts became even remotely coherent again, she wasn’t surprised to find that she felt nothing, well, practically nothing. She still felt the resentment, still felt the pain, and though they were absolutely unyielding, drowning in them just wasn’t an option. So instead, Clarke had harnessed them, embraced them – even began to convert them somehow and over time, they had become a sort of fuel for her. Probably a toxic one, but still. Though she couldn’t deny that it had changed her, it had also given her strength and that was what she needed. That was all she needed. 

Her friends had noticed the change too. How could they not? They would comment on it and sometimes even call her out, when they thought that she was being particularly cold or unreasonably abrasive, but it really didn’t make a difference. The bubbly, playful girl that they had all come to know and love, was long gone now and the truth was, Clarke barely even remembered her anymore. 

“Clarke?” Octavia’s voice broke into her thoughts. “Still with us?”  
“Yep,” Clarke nodded before taking another sip of her coffee  
“Maybe we should all bail on Monty’s?" Raven suddenly suggested as she pushed her now empty plate aside. “We could have a girl’s weekend?”  
“I would totally be okay with that.” Octavia added quickly. “We could go away or something.”  
Clarke felt a slight grin form on her face. “Aw,” she cooed, “are you two getting scared?”  
“Maybe a little.” Raven admitted with a tiny nod.  
“More like concerned.” Octavia clarified firmly as she leaned forward.  
“Don’t worry.” Clarke assured them, keeping her tone even as she got to her feet. “I won’t hurt her.”

Much.


	4. Chapter 4

Lexa was standing in her hotel room, staring out the window. The last couple of weeks had felt like a whirlwind. When Nia called and told her about a job opening, she had leapt on it without a moments hesitation, but now she was again wondering if it had been the right decision. She wanted to be here, that was true enough. She had missed her friends, her family and though she wasn't ready to admit it, she had really missed Clarke. 

In the first couple of weeks after she had left, she had tried to talk to her, she had tried to explain, but Clarke would cut her off before the conversation even really began and then hang up on her. Next Clarke blocked her number, so she tried to email her, only to find that her accounts had been deactivated and even letters sent through the postal service came back stamped, Return to Sender. 

Then the calls started. Clarke would randomly call her up in the middle of the night just to drunkenly scream at her about what a horrible person she was and and then rattle off laundry list of all of the awful things that she deserved. Lexa would lay there and listen, with tears streaming down her cheeks, just letting her get it out, hoping that one day it would be enough and Clarke would finally find peace. Then the calls just stopped and she actually found herself missing them and missing them.

Anya: You ready?  
Lexa: I’ll be down in a minute.  
Anya: Get a move on!

Lexa tipped the remainder of her drink into her mouth and stared into the mirror. It had been a long time since she had seen everyone and while there was a ball of excitement in her stomach, there was also a tiny bit of fear. Straightening her collar and taking a deep breath, Lexa slipped into her blazer and grabbed her bag before making her way out of the room. “Here we go,” she muttered to herself as the door clicked shut behind her.

Stepping out of the hotel the first thing that Lexa spotted was Anya, double parked and waiting for her, with Raven in the front seat. Taking another deep breath Lexa approached the car. Once she neared, the passager door opened and Raven stepped out.

“Damn good to see you, Commander.” She grinned at her.  
“Raven Reyes, you haven't changed a bit.” Lexa grinned back before she was embraced in a tight hug.  
“Stop sounding so fucking formal.” Raven mumbled into her ear.  
“Habit.” Lexa explained.  
“Well, lose it.” Raven said as she stepped away. “You're back with family now,” she said as she slipped back into her seat.  
Lexa chuckled to herself and climbed into the backseat. Maybe things were going to be okay after all.  
“Hey squirt.” Anya said when she closed the door.  
“Please, stop calling me that.” Lexa rolled her eyes and pulled out a cigarette.  
“Don’t you dare light that thing and my car.” Anya warned her quickly.  
Lexa sighed and returned the cigarette to her pack.  
“Seriously Lexa,” Raven shook her head. “I would have never expected a health nut like you to start smoking.”  
“We all have our vices.” Lexa shrugged.  
“True enough.” Raven nodded. ”But, smoking?”  
Lexa shrugged again. While it was true, smoking was an awful habit to suddenly pick up, there was something soothing about it that Lexa had come to crave.

Throughout the ride the three of them chatted about random things. It was mostly calm and playful, but by the time they pulled into Monty’s driveway, Lexa felt relieved. She was beginning to feel slightly claustrophobic, so as soon Anya put the car in park, she quickly jumped out and lit a cigarette.

“You alright there?” Bellamy's voice suddenly filled her ears.  
Turning she found him striding toward her with a huge grin on his face. “Hey Bell,” she greeted quietly.  
“Hey,” his grin widened into a smile as he wrapped her in a tight hug and dropped a light kiss onto the top of her head. “Welcome home.”  
“Thanks,” she replied, giving him a quick squeeze.  
“Lexa!” Jasper’s voice rang out and turning she saw him jump off the porch and bolt in her direction until he finally scooped her up in a big hug.  
“Hello Jasper,” Lexa chuckled. “It’s good to see you too.”  
“It’s great to see you.” He smiled warmly at her.  
Lexa returned his smile. “So, everyone else here?” She asked curiously.  
Bellamy shook his head. “Almost,” he answered shortly.  
“Who’s missing?” Lexa questioned, already knowing the answer.

Before Bellamy could respond though, a familiar light blue car turned into the drive way and parked at the very bottom. Lexa held her breath as she watched a hooded figure exit the vehicle and slowly begin walking towards the house. A sudden shiver slipped down her spine and she knew it wasn't from the cold March air. As the person passed them on the far side of the driveway, Lexa could only see random strands of red hair peaking out, which seemed odd to her, because she had no doubt that this person was Clarke.

“Did you remember the body armor?” Anya suddenly joked beside her.  
“Shut it,” Lexa replied as she snuffed out her cigarette and started walking toward the house.

When Lexa hit the front porch she was pleasantly greeted by Lincoln and Octavia who told her that Monty was in the kitchen and had eagerly been awaiting her arrival. She couldn't help but grin at the information. Monty had always been a sweetheart, so after setting her bag in the living room Lexa quickly made her way into the kitchen.

“Lexa.” Monty greeted her with a warm smile as he quickly dried off his hands and hugged her. “Welcome home.”  
“Thank you.” Lexa smiled at him. “You look great.”  
“You too.” He returned her smile. “Here you go,” he said as he handed her a tiny bottle filled with clear liquid.  
Lexa raised her eyebrow as she reached out and took it. “Is that what I think it is?”  
“Of course it is.” Monty smiled and returned to his cooking.  
Lexa's took a deep breath and tipped the moonshine into her mouth, letting it slowly travel down her throat as she reveled in the burn it left as it went.  
“God, it stinks in here.” An all too familiar voice suddenly said.

Lexa turned just in time to see Clarke lowering her hood, revealing a mass of long, red waves and pale blue eyes, which narrowed the moment that they met Lexa's. 

“Well, that explains it.” Clarke rolled her eyes quickly. “You smell like a fucking ashtray,” she told her, before crossing the room and greeting Monty whose eyes seemed to bounce worriedly between the pair. 

After grabbing a beer and her moonshine, Clarke turned to leave the room.  
“Clarke,” Lexa spoke without thought, causing Clarke to stop and look at her. “Hi,” she added foolishly.  
Clarke's eyes hardened instantly. “Lexa, you asked for civility and for the sake of our friends, I’ll give you that, but make no mistake,” she took a step forward. “You and I, are not friends.”

Lexa felt an ache ring out in her chest as Clarke turned and left the room without another word. Anya was right, Clarke was definitely different and it wasn't just her awful red hair, it was in her eyes. They were just empty. There was no hint of emotion or that sparkle that Lexa had always loved to see.

“Give her time.” Monty said suddenly.  
“I don't think time is going to change anything.” Lexa shook her head, feeling her heart sink.  
“If it was anyone but you and Clarke,” Raven said from the doorway. “I'd say that you were right.”  
Lexa shrugged as she looked at the floor. “I should leave.”  
“Like hell.” Raven shook her head.  
“I don't want to ruin anyone's weekend.” Lexa explained quickly  
“Just maintain a respectful distance.” Monty told her. “It’ll be fine.”

Respectful distance. Okay. That should be easy enough, the house is huge. She could just avoid whatever room that Clarke was in. Yeah. That could work. She could do that.

A while later Lexa was sitting in the living room, relaxing with a drink and talking with Octavia and Lincoln.

“So, what brought you back?” Lincoln asked.  
“Work.” Lexa answered quickly.  
“Big surprise there.” Clarke scoffed as she crossed though the room, causing Lexa to roll her eyes on reflex.  
“Don’t be an ass, Clarke.” Octavia called out after her.  
“Why?" Clarke called back. "Is there only room for one in this house?”  
“Just ignore her.” Octavia said quickly, waving her hand.  
“It’s fine.” Lexa responded. “I hardly expected a warm welcome from her.”  
“That’s good, because Clarke doesn't really do warm anything.” Lincoln shook his head, but grinned slightly.  
“Meaning what?” Lexa asked curiously.  
“Meaning, they think that I'm a bitch.” Clarke answered she crossed back through the room.  
“Not that you are, sweetie,” Octavia playfully corrected her. “Just that you can be.”  
“So, are you back for good?” Lincoln asked.  
Lexa blinked and looked at him. “That's the plan,” she answered as she got to her feet and pulled out one of her cigarettes. “I’ll be back in a few.”

As Lexa stepped outside the cold air seemed to pierce through her. she lit her cigarette and inhaled deeply. It was true, her plan was to move back permanently, but now, she was actually starting to have doubts about whether or not it was a great idea. Seeing everyone again was amazing and it really made her so happy, but seeing Clarke again, hearing her voice and being this close to her was insanely painful. She knew that it would be and she thought that she'd prepared herself for it, but she'd been wrong. So very wrong.

“That really is a disgusting habit.” Clarke's voice suddenly broke into her thoughts and turning, Lexa found her sitting on the porch with her elbows resting on her knees and a drink clutched firmly in her hands.  
“Nobody's perfect.” Lexa responded with a quick shrug, “least of all, me.”  
“Well, I certainly won't argue that.” Clarke nodded in agreement and took a sip of her drink.  
“Clarke,” Lexa sighed, feeling her heart ache again. “I…”  
“Don't.” Clarke said as she climbed to her feet. “There's really nothing you can say, that will mean anything to me, so just, don't.”  
A fire suddenly sparked in Lexa's chest. “Clarke, I never wanted…”  
“I don't care about what you wanted.” Clarke cut her off, though her tone was remarkably calm.  
“Damn it, just stop being such a stubborn bitch and listen to me.” Lexa snapped harshly and then gasped as Clarke's icy drink splashed on to her face.  
“They might get to call me a bitch, but you don’t.” Clarke practically growled at her.  
“Clarke,” Lexa shook her head. Fuck. “I didn't mean to say that.”  
“Of course you didn’t.” Clarke scoffed with a chuckle and shook her head. “Look, I meant what I said about our friends, but beyond that, I don't want anything to do with you, Lexa.”

Lexa just stared at her. At this point, what more could she do? 

The door behind Clarke suddenly opened and Monty appeared. “Everything alright?” He questioned.  
“Fabulous.” Clarke answered and then turned back to Lexa, something flickered in her eyes. “You smell much better now, by the way,” she said before walking into the house.  
“Come on,” Monty sighed as he motioned Lexa inside. “I’ll get you a towel.”  
“Thank you.” Lexa nodded as she followed him.

She knew that she should leave. She knew that it would probably be the best thing. It would make everyones weekend so much easier, including her own, but now she couldn't. There had been something in that last moment that had instantly changed her mind. It was the slightest hint of something that showed in Clarke's eyes for just a brief second. It was something familiar and it had oddly given her the tiniest bit of hope. This wasn't over. Not yet.


	5. Chapter 5

Clarke walked into the kitchen and sighed. Well, that was fun. “Call me a bitch,” she mumbled as she made a fresh drink. “That woman’s got a lot of fucking nerve.” There was a slight humming running through her body and it was ridiculously uncomfortable.

Lexa was different, of that, there was no doubt and it wasn’t just the smoking. It showed in her appearance. Her suit was sharp and proper and it was clear that she’d had it pressed. Who even wears a suit to a relaxing weekend anyway? Her hair had been pulled back in careful, deliberate braids, as if to make sure that not a single piece would fall into her face and then there was her demeanor. Christ, her entire demeanor seemed entirely changed. Lexa had always been somewhat reserved and polite, but it also came with an endearing side of cocky sass and now, that cocky sass was nowhere to be seen. Clarke had crossed paths with her several times throughout the night, whether directly or from a far and her demeanor was always the same. She was rigid, constricted and somewhat aloof. Did she think that she was better than all of them now? 

“So,” Octavia said as she entered the kitchen. “Do you want to tell me why I just saw Lexa being led into the bathroom by Monty and looking like a drowned rat?”  
“She smelled.” Clarke answered swiftly and shrugged. “I fixed it.”  
“Clarke!” Octavia scolded sternly.   
“O, calm down.” Clarke sighed with a wave of her hand. “Look, she called me a bitch and I just, reacted accordingly.”  
“She called you a bitch?” Octavia echoed, looking mildly surprised.   
“Uh huh,” Clarke nodded and took a sip of her drink.   
“Well,” Octavia crossed her arms, her eyebrows knitting together slightly, “that's a different matter, isn't it?”  
“Entirely.” Clarke said as her eyes narrowed. “But of course, she immediately said that she didn’t mean to say it.”   
Octavia just shook her head and sighed.

Clarke knew that regardless of why it happened, Octavia would take her side on this. What she had said to Lexa had been true. She didn’t care if anyone else in their group thought that she was a bitch, or even called her out as such, not really, but Lexa had no right to do the same. Not anymore. From her it was different. That’s just the way that it was now. Besides, Clarke’s current disposition was a direct result of Lexa and her own actions, so in her opinion, Lexa could either deal with it or leave.

”What up?” Raven asked as she entered the room, followed closely by Anya  
“Nothing,” Clarke replied with a light shake of her head as she leaned back against the counter.   
“Lexa called Clarke a bitch.” Octavia answered quickly.   
“She did what?” Raven asked as her eyes went wide and she set down her glass.   
“Excuse me for a minute.” Anya grumbled as she turned on her heel.   
“Whoa,” Raven said, grabbing her hand and keeping her in place. “Where do you think you're going?”  
“To smack the shit out of my sister.” Anya answered as if it was obvious and pointed to the other room.   
“Excellent idea.” Clarke grinned and pointed behind Octavia. “O, we need popcorn!”  
“On it.” Octavia joked and opened the cabinet.   
“You, just calm your shit,” Raven said firmly to Anya before turning back to the pair, “and you two, stop instigating.”   
“Boo,” Clarke pouted sarcastically. ”You're no fun.”  
“Right?” Octavia played along as she leaned against the counter next to her. “When’d you become the responsible one?”   
“Well, one of us has to be.” Raven replied and stuck her tongue out at Octavia.   
“Bitch,” Octavia feigned offence.   
“I believe that's exactly what started this.” Raven said matter-of-factory as she cocked an eyebrow at her.  
“Completely different.” Clarke countered. Well, it was.  
“Oh, really?” Raven’s eyebrows went up.   
Clarke nodded. Of course it was.

Coming from Octavia, it was playful and said with affection, but coming from Lexa, it was harsh and said with venom. It wasn’t about what was being said, it was how it was being said and the intent behind it. The again, it seemed like Lexa had no idea what that word even meant anymore. 

“So, what actually did happen?” Anya asked curiously.  
Clarke sighed and thought back for a moment. “She was trying to talk to me and I told her that there was nothing to say,” she explained, “but, she kept pushing, even after I told her that I didn’t care. Finally she snapped at me and told me to stop being a stubborn bitch and listen to her.”  
“And you?” Raven inquired.  
“Threw my drink in her face.” Clarke answered simply. 

The three of them stared at her for a moment. Did they think that she was wrong? That she’d overreacted? Had she? Nope. Not in her opinion. Hell no. Not at all. She had told Lexa that she didn’t want to hear it. She had told her that she didn’t care. Lexa should have just accepted it and stopped pushing.

“Fair enough.” Raven said, breaking the silence.  
“Justified even.” Octavia added with a nod.  
Anya nodded and turned to Raven. “Can I go talk to her now?” She asked with a touch of sarcasm.  
“Depends. Are you going to behave?” Raven inquired with a frisky tone.  
“I always behave.” Anya insisted as she placed her hand on her chest. “You’re all the delinquents, remember?”  
“All too well,” Raven grinned, “but, you’re still full of shit.”  
“Absolutely.” Clarke agreed with a playful scoff as Octavia nodded next to her.  
“I’ll behave.” Anya assured her and walked out of the room.

After Lexa left, being around Anya became incredibly difficult for Clarke and it was one of the few things that she actually felt bad about, even though she knew that Anya didn’t fault her for it. It was just too hard to see Anya and not think of Lexa. It had taken time, but Anya always seemed to understand and didn't blame her for it, not even when she skipped out on the weekends that were held at her place. Anya simply accepted that being there was something that she just couldn't do, something that she might not ever be able to do. 

“Are you alright?” Raven asked turning back to her.  
“I’m fine.” Clarke insisted and it was true, for the most part. Was she particularly thrilled that Lexa was there? Hell no, but she wasn’t about to let it ruin her or her weekend.   
“You sure?” Octavia inquired, nudging her lightly.  
Clarke nodded.  
“Okay then,” Raven sighed. “Cards?”  
“Definitely.” Clarke replied quickly. Yes, a distraction. Great idea.  
“I’m in too.” Octavia agreed.

As they walked into the other room and sat down at the card table, Clarke caught a glimpse of Anya and Lexa standing at the foot of the stairs and having what appeared to be a whispered, but heated discussion. Clarke couldn’t tell who looked more displeased and she couldn’t help but wonder if Lexa was going to leave. If she would just run away and just pretend like it never even happened, hell, maybe even pretend that she never even came back at all. However, after just a few minutes the pair ended their conversation and to Clarke’s surprise, Lexa didn’t leave. Instead, she went and sat on the couch next to Jasper and struck up a whole new conversation, but not without throwing a look, that Clarke couldn’t quite read, in her direction. 

That look irked Clarke right down into her bones, making her just want to splash another drink in Lexa’s stupid face. This fucking woman. God, she was so infuriating. Clarke shifted in her seat, again feeling that slight humming run through her body. 

“Stop with the death glares and focus on the game,” Raven spoke over her cards.  
“Believe me, if I could kill her with a glare…” Clarke mumbled through her clenched teeth, but stopped when she was the look that Raven and Octavia were giving her.  
“Deep breath,” Octavia said simply as she set a card down.  
“Yeah, yeah,” Clarke grumbled quickly. “I know.”

Several hands later, Clarke was frustrated. She’d lost more hands than she’d won and for her, that was just completely uncharacteristic. Even drunk, she was the best card player in the group. What the hell was happening to her game tonight?

“Can I jump in for the next round?” Lexa asked as she appeared next to the table with Jasper at her side.   
“Me too?” He added.  
Clarke rolled her eyes slightly. Seriously? Unbelievable.  
“Of course.” Raven answered as she shot a questioning look toward Octavia, who nodded.  
“Have at it.” Clarke said as she folded her hand and got to her feet. “I’m out.”  
“Don’t leave on my account,” Lexa said quickly, raising her hands.  
“The game was already shit,” Clarke countered without so much as a glance, “and I can’t imagine that you being involved is going to make it any better.”  
“I might surprise you.” Lexa shrugged as she sat down.  
“Been there, done that.” Clarke turned away from them. “No interest in doing it again,” she added as she walked away.

Nope. Clarke had no interest at all and she wasn’t about to pretend that she did – not even for the sake of her friends. To be in the same house as Lexa, yeah, okay, that was one thing – she could do that, but to pretend that she actually enjoyed her company, nope. Absolutely not. That wasn’t happening. Not now, not ever.


	6. Chapter 6

Lexa sat in the backseat of Anya's car and leaned her head against the window. She sighed, enjoying the cold from the glass as it spread through her slightly overheated head. Unsurprisingly, it had been a long and trying weekend. She knew that it would be and had tried to prepare herself for it, but really, she had been foolish to even think that she could ever be prepared to see Clarke again, and God, was Clarke making it anything, but easy.

Clarke was so different, more different than she ever could have imagined. She knew, from the many late night screaming sessions, that Clarke was hurt, but she'd never considered how much that hurt could change her and that change, was devastating to see. Lexa closed her eyes and took a deep breath, feeling her chest beginning to tighten, she shifted in her seat.

“You alright back there, squirt?” Anya asked as she glanced in the rear view mirror.  
“I'm fine.” Lexa answered without opening her eyes.  
“You don't look fine.” Anya responded quickly.  
Lexa opened her eyes and turned her head slightly, finding Anya’s gaze in the mirror. “I’ll be fine.”

It was true, she would be, she knew that she would be. She just had to get through this car ride and back to the solitude of her hotel room first.

“So, how was it?” Raven asked suddenly. “Seeing everyone again.”  
“Strange.” Lexa answered with a light shrug. “Don't get me wrong, it was great and everyone seems great, but it’s still strange at the same time.”  
Raven chuckled to herself and shook her head.  
“Raven.” Anya said warningly.  
“What?” Lexa asked with curiosity as her eyes bounced between the pair.  
“Everyone seemed great?” Raven questioned, the sarcasm obvious in her voice.  
Lexa knew what Raven was getting at. “Clarke, not so much,” she said as she looked down at her lap.  
“Are you surprised?” Raven asked her.  
“No,” Lexa replied and shook her head, “and, yes.”  
Raven sifted in her seat and turned to look at her, clearly waiting for her to elaborate.  
“I didn’t expect Clarke to be happy to see me,” Lexa sighed, “but, I’m sure that even you can agree that she was acting a little immature.” Totally immature.  
“Well, we can't all be robots,” Raven countered matter-of-factly, “Was she being immature? Sure, petty even, but I’m sure that even you can agree, she’s kind of…”  
“I get it, Rae.” Lexa cut her off, feeling the anger building in her belly. “I hurt her – a lot.”  
This time, Raven laughed fully.  
“Raven, please.” Anya shook her head.  
“What?” Lexa felt herself getting annoyed.  
“Nothing.” Raven shook her head, but her smile didn't fade.  
“Raven.” Lexa said firmly  
“Lexa, don’t go there.” Anya glanced at her in the mirror again.  
“Raven.” Lexa repeated.  
Raven turned further and stared her in the eye, almost asking if she was sure.  
Lexa knew that look, hell, everyone knew that look. It was Raven’s tough love look. Shit, this was going to hurt. She swallowed hard and nodded.  
“Fuck,” Anya muttered under her breath and shook her head slightly.  
“You know that I love you, we all do,” Raven said without breaking her stare, “but, you are so full of shit.”  
“I'm full of shit?” Lexa asked quickly.  
“Damn right.” Raven gave her a firm nod. “You think that you hurt Clarke? That's what you tell yourself?”  
Lexa stared at her for a moment and then nodded slowly.  
“Does that make it easier?” Raven asked as she crossed her arms.  
Lexa’s eyes narrowed. What the hell was she getting at? “I don't understand,” she shook her head.  
“Of course you don't.” Raven scoffed.  
“Well, are you going to explain?” Lexa questioned her quickly.  
“You saw her.” Raven snapped. “Did she look hurt to you?”  
“She looked…” Lexa started, but instantly lost her words. Angry? Sad? Disgusted? Lexa closed her eyes and thought of Clarke’s and everything that they were lacking. The thought immediately caused her chest to tighten further. She dropped her shoulder blades down, trying to stretch our her muscles and took a deep breath. “Broken,” she said as she opened her eyes. “She looked broken.”  
Raven held her stare. “Exactly,” she nodded. “You didn't just hurt her, Lexa. You fucking broke her.”  
Lexa felt her heart drop at Raven’s words. “I never wanted that,” she shook her head.  
“I know that you didn't,” Raven sighed, her tone instantly softening, “but it still happened.”

Lexa turned her head and stared out the window. If there was anything in the world that she could change, it would be what happened the night that she'd gone to see Clarke. She’d give anything to change the things that had happened that night – anything, to just be able to take back the awful things that she had said.

As they turned into the hotel parking lot, Raven spoke again. “Look, you know how she felt. I know that she told you,” she shook her head. “It was powerful and real, but she was so afraid that if she told you, she’d lose you. She took the chance, you made a choice. I was so sure that you felt the same, but…”  
“I do feel the same!” Lexa snapped harshly as the car finally came to a stop. She grabbed her bag and jumped out without another word. Fuck. She had to get away. This was too much. It was just too much.

“Lexa.” Anya said as she grabbed her by the elbow. “Wait.”  
“It's fine, Anya.” Lexa shook her head quickly. “I’m fine.”  
“You're not.” Anya told her.  
“I will be.” Lexa assured her with a firm nod as she turned and walked into the hotel.

Reaching her room, Lexa dropped her bag and stripped off her blazer and shirt. Her body was on fire and the tightening in her chest was becoming more than she could bear. She had to turn it off. She had to get it back under control. 

Tears were quickly beginning to threaten her eyes as she flattened her palms against the dresser and took several deep breaths, trying desperately and failing, to stretch out the muscles in her chest. Finally giving up, she turned and walked into the bathroom, turning on the tap and pulling a small bottle out of her pocket. Lexa popped the top and threw a tiny pill into her mouth before leaning down and taking a mouthful of water straight from the tap. She swallowed hard and stared at herself in the mirror. She knew that the medication would help, but she still hated that she needed it. 

Half an hour later, Lexa sat in a chair just staring it the window. Her chest had loosened substantially and she could finally breathe again. She shook her head, thinking about how ridiculous it all was. She knew that everyone thought that she'd become a robot and that she didn't care, but really, that was the farthest thing from the truth. The problem was actually that she did care, she cared a lot, but she couldn't let herself feel it, not anymore.

Things had changed, she had changed. After leaving for San Francisco, the pain in her chest and arm had increased to such an extreme that Lexa had finally found herself in the emergency room, after her new boss had stressed concerns about her heart. It turned out that her heart was fine though, instead she found that the pain was brought on by stress and anxiety, that her emotions had actually started manifesting into physical pain. She didn't believe them. She thought that they were completely wrong. Seriously, who the hell had ever heard of such a thing? 

Then as time went on, things would happen and the way her body reacted seemed to fit with what the doctors had told her, so little by little, she accepted it. She hated the medication though, or rather, the need for it. She didn't want to be so dependent on a pill every time that something went wrong, so instead, she came up with her own solution. She shut down, not allowing herself to feel anything that went beyond skin-deep. It wasn't the perfect solution and it certainly came with its drawbacks, but globally speaking, it worked. She could breathe again and was mostly pain free. Unfortunately, being home seemed to push everything right through her skin, piercing her shell one shot at a time. 

Lexa sighed as she pulled another cigarette out of her pack and lit it. She rubbed her temple and let her mind go to Clarke. She had always known that Clarke had a power over her that no one else had, that she could affect her in a way that no one else could, but what she didn't know, was that she had apparently had the same power and affect on Clarke. She knew that she'd hurt her, but she'd never realized how deep that hurt had actually run. That it had broken her, that she, had broken her.

Lexa watched the smoke curling off the end of her cigarette. She never deluded herself with any thoughts that Clarke might actually forgive her and give her another chance. No. She knew that that was never going to happen, but she had hoped that maybe they could find some common ground and someday, possibly be friends again. Though now, that seemed highly unlikely too. She’d never meant for this to happen. She’d never wanted to hurt anyone, especially Clarke.

Getting to her feet, Lexa snuffed out her cigarette and stood in front of the mirror. Maybe, she and Clarke would never be together. Maybe, they'd never even be friends again. But maybe, just maybe, there was a way to bring Clarke back from the darkness that she'd left her in. Maybe, she was the only one who could?

“Yeah, right.” Lexa mumbled to herself as she turned away from the mirror and flopped down on the bed, letting her medicine drag her into a dreamless sleep where she didn't have to remember Clarke or the pain that she’d caused her.


	7. Chapter 7

It had been almost a week since their weekend at Monty’s and Clarke was still in a foul mood. It seemed like now she didn’t even need to be in Lexa’s presence to be annoyed by her. No. It was more the just knowing that she was there than anything else that kept her uneasy. It was the fact that she knew that at any moment she could turn a corner and come face to face with her again – that’s what really pissed her off. Actually seeing Lexa again had twisted Clarke’s stomach up into a serious knot of fury and now no matter what she did, the damn thing just refused to unravel.

“Want to talk about it?” Octavia asked from across the table.  
“You know that I don’t.” Clarke replied without looking up from her menu.  
“Well, maybe you should.” Raven suggested.  
“Look guys,” Clarke rolled her eyes as she set her menu down. “I agreed to go to lunch, not counseling, so just drop it, okay?”

She should have know when agreed to go to lunch with the two of them that it was going to turn into something like this. At least before Lexa came back, they more often than not just left her the hell alone.

“Yeah,” Octavia’s voice dripped with sarcasm. “Because that might happen.”  
“What she said.” Raven nodded.  
Clarke released a heavy sigh and returned her attention to her menu. These two idiots were going to piss her off.  
“You need to talk about it.” Octavia told her quickly.  
“I don’t.” Clarke shook her head, again not looking at them.  
“Clarke, come on,” Raven sat back in her chair. “You’ve been a total terror for like two weeks now.”  
Clarke took a deep breath, but didn’t respond.

Okay, so that might have been true. Clarke reasoned silently. Her mood swings were definitely off the charts and she was totally running on autopilot, but she just couldn’t help it. For the first time in a really long time, she felt completely out of control and though she really didn’t know what the hell to do about it, she certainly didn’t want to talk about it.

“We know that you’re pissed off,” Octavia began.  
“Of course I’m pissed off!” Clarke cut her off angrily. “You would be too, so just back off and let me deal with it.”  
“But, you’re not dealing with it,” Octavia barked back. “That’s the point.”  
Clarke’s leg began to bounce annoyingly under the table as she bit down hard on her tongue and pushed her menu to the side.  
“Just, talk to us.” Octavia tried again. This time though, there was a pleading in her eyes.  
“She shouldn’t be here.” Clarke shot out quickly. “Is that what you want to hear me say?”

Fuck. It sounded so fucking immature. She knew that it did and she hated herself for it. It was a stupid and ridiculous thing to say, but at the same time, it was exactly how she felt. Lexa shouldn’t be here. She just shouldn’t. She made her choice and being here was not it. She had no right to just breeze into town and slip back into their lives like nothing had ever happened. It wasn’t fair and pissed her off, but even more than that, it hurt!

It hurt, to see Lexa walking around in her flashy suit, with her chin held high and that arrogant look in her eye. It hurt, to see that she was so unaffected by how things had happened and the way that they’d ended up, but even more by the time and space that had been so easily placed between them. It hurt, to know that while she had been here, feeling the loss of Lexa every single day, Lexa had been thousands of miles away, flourishing in her new life and having long forgotten everything that Clarke had actually believed meant the world to the both of them – their friendship. It just hurt! 

But that was the one thing that Clarke knew she would never be able to make anyone understand, because the truth was, no one ever understood the two of them to begin with and now, even she doubted that she ever did. It wasn’t just about the fact that Lexa didn’t feel the same way that she did or that she didn’t want her the in same way – there was just so much more to it!

“Clarke, she’s family.” Octavia reminded her softly.  
“She’s an asshole.” Clarke countered quickly.

Family is still family, that's true enough, but then again, it also holds true that an asshole is still an asshole. The three of them sat silent for a moment after that, each just lost to their own thoughts, trying to decide what to say next.

“You did way better at Monty’s than I thought you would.” Octavia finally tried.  
“Pfft.” Raven shook her head. “You were both jerks.”  
“We were not.” Octavia defended quickly. “Well, Clarke was, but I didn’t do anything.”  
Clarke shrugged. Maybe she was, but she really didn't care.  
“Except egg Clarke on in the kitchen.” Raven reminded her just as fast.  
“Oh for fucks sake,” Octavia rolled her eyes. “It was a joke and it’s not like Lexa actually heard any of that.”  
“Anya did.” Clarke said suddenly, causing the pair of them to look at her.  
“Anya knows that I don’t hate Lexa.” Octavia shook her head quickly. “Besides, she was the one that was ready to actually smack the shit out of her.”

That was true too and had actually been pretty surprising. Yeah, Lexa was a total shit and Clarke had every right to be pissed off at her, but Anya was still her sister. Shouldn’t she be on her side no matter what?

“I don’t think that she would have cared, even if she had heard it.” Clarke found herself saying.  
“Why not?” Raven gave her a curious look.  
“I just don’t.” Clarke shrugged and leaned back in her chair, crossing her arms across her stomach.

To her, Lexa looked like she just moved through the world in a nice, protective bubble and everything just bounced off of her. Oh, she wanted to plead her case, that was obvious, but if anything, it’d only be to show some justification for her decision, for the way that she acted and the things that she said. No way in hell was Clarke about to listen to that bullshit.

“I actually thought she looked pretty good." Octavia’s voice broke into her thoughts.  
“Are you kidding?” Clarke shot out. “She looked awful.”  
“I think awful might be a little excessive.” Raven shrugged. “Tired maybe.”  
Clarke shook her head and took a deep breath. Okay. Wait a minute. This conversation needed to stop. She was not going to sit here and discuss Lexa. “Can we change the subject, please?”

Another small stretch of silence followed.

“Fine.” Octavia finally caved and turned her attention to Raven. “How are things with Anya?”  
Raven looked down at the table and shrugged. “She's a little annoyed with me at the moment, but other than that, we're fine.”  
“Why?” Octavia questioned. “What'd you do this time?”  
Raven shook her head, but glanced briefly at Clarke and Clarke didn't miss it.  
“Raven.” Clarke's eyes narrowed suspiciously. Oh, what the fuck now?  
“Look, it's nothing.” Raven insisted. “I just got a little, harsh with Lexa - that's all. I promise.”  
“Harsh how?” Octavia asked curiously.  
“Ask a question,” Raven shrugged, “get an answer.”  
“Anya got pissed, huh?” Octavia frowned sympathetically.  
“Nah,” Raven shook her head. “Just annoyed.”

Clarke watched the exchange happening before her and just shook her head. Fucking crap. Even when they weren't talking about Lexa, they ended up talking about Lexa. Though she certainly couldn't deny her curiosity as to what Raven might have said to her, she definitely wasn't going to ask her about it. Something inside of Clarke told her that it must have been something to do with her, but nope - not asking. 

Not a moment later, something caught Clarke’s eye and turning her head just slightly, her eyes fell on Lexa walking through the coffeehouse. Seriously, of all the places? Clarke bit the inside of her cheek as a small spark went of in her chest. This was not fucking happening. 

Lexa stood at the counter for only a few minutes before collecting what appeared to be a coffee and turning back to the door. She paused for a moment when her eyes fell upon the trio, Clarke didn't turn any further, she didn't want Lexa to think for even one second that she might actually be acknowledging her. Through the corner of her eye, Clarke saw Lexa give Octavia and Raven a slight nod before turning and walking out of the coffeehouse without a word. 

As the door dinged closed behind her, Clarke let out a silent breath. Moments like this were exactly what she’d been dreading. The spark in her chest had quickly mutated into an ache and before she’d really even given it much thought, Clarke pulled out her phone and fired off a text.

Clarke: What are you doing later?  
…


	8. Chapter 8

Lexa moved through her new office trying to get everything organized and ready. It might have been a bit obsessive, but she needed the order before she could begin.

“Hey,” a voice floated in from the doorway. “Getting settled in?”  
Lexa turned, a light smile instantly spreading on her face. Finally, someone who wasn't pissed at her on some level. “Nia,” she walked over and embraced her friend.  
“It's good to see you.” Nia told her as she hugged her back.  
“You too,” Lexa told her as they broke apart. “You look great.”  
“Of course I do.” Nia smiled confidently. “Are you finding everything okay?”  
“Yes,”Lexa nodded and moved back toward her desk.  
“So,”Nia slipped into one of the empty chairs nearby.  
“So,” Lexa echoed.  
“How is it?” Nia asked.  
“Being back?” Lexa already knew where this was going. “Hard.”  
“Yeah,” Nia nodded. “I had a feeling that it would be. Have you seen anyone yet?”  
“Everyone.” Lexa answered with a heavy sigh. "I spent the weekend with all of them."  
“Really?” Nia’s eyes widened slightly. “Clarke too?”  
Lexa nodded slowly.  
“And?” Nia pushed curiously.  
Lexa shook her head lightly.  
“I’m sorry.” Nia told her softly.   
Lexa shook her head again and turned her attention to a box that was sitting on the desk. “It’s okay,” she shrugged, trying to ignore the twinge in her chest. 

Nia knew how she felt, she knew what had happened and how foolishly she had handled it all.

“Do you regret it?” Nia questioned suddenly.  
“I regret a lot of things,” Lexa answered as she continued rummaging through the box.

It was true. She did have regrets, massive regrets, but there wasn't anything that she could do about it. The past was already written and she couldn't change the things that she had said or done. 

“Listen, I’m sorry that the job ended up being…” Nia began.  
“Nia, don't.” Lexa shook her head. “You didn't know, and besides, I should have gotten more information before I accepted it.”  
“Part of me wanted me you to back out.” Nia admitted as she fidgeted with the folder in her hands.  
“You know that I couldn't.” Lexa shook her head again. “It would have been damning, not only my career, but your reputation as well.”  
“Still,” Nia shrugged, looking quite regretful. “If I had known that they were just going to shuffle you around like that, I wouldn’t have even told you about the job.”  
“I know,” Lexa sighed. “As popular as they publication is, they're in house operations sucked.”  
Nia odder and shifted in her seat. “I brought you something,” she said as she held out a folder.  
“What is it?” Lexa asked curiously as she took it.  
“A list of available apartments.” Nia answered. “I don't really know what you're looking for, but I didn't think you'd want to live in a hotel room forever.”  
Lexa nodded as she began flipping through the folder. It was true. Living in a hotel room was beyond getting old and now, it was also costing her a small fortune. “Thank you,” she responded as her phone began to buzz in her pocket.

Raven: You’re coming out with us later.  
Lexa: Who’s us?  
Raven: Me, Anya, Lincoln and O.

Lexa stared down at her phone for a moment. No. 

Lexa: Pass.  
Raven: You can't pass.  
Lexa: I don't feel like being a fifth wheel.  
Raven: Hang on. I can fix this.  
Lexa: Rae, no.

“Everything alright?” Nia asked her curiously.  
Lexa nodded. “Raven’s just trying to get me to go out with a few of them tonight.”  
“You should go.” Nia told her as she got to her feet.  
“I really don't feel like it.” Lexa shook her head.  
“You need to get reacquainted with them.” Nia said as she walked to the door. “You know, acclimate back into their lives.”  
Lexa nodded.  
“I'll see you later.” Nia waved and walked out.

Raven: Okay. I fixed it.  
Lexa: ?  
Raven: I got you a date.  
Lexa: RAVEN!  
Lexa: I do not want a date!  
Raven: Chill your shit, Commander.   
Raven: It's just Monty.

Lexa stared down at her phone and grinned. She sighed, considering what Nia had said. She made a good point. Though her weekend with the had gone mostly smooth, she did need to get really reacquainted with them, she needed to take the time to know them again. 

She had spent the last couple of years traveling around for work and hadn’t actually taken the time to get to know anyone or make any real connections. She just focused on her work and kept to herself. It was easier that way and that was how she’d actually come to like it, but at the same time, these were her people, her friends – her family and the truth was, she had missed them.

Lexa: Okay.  
Raven: Anya will pick you up at six.

Lexa tucked her phone back into her pocket and went back to organizing her office. 

Hours later Lexa was standing out in front of her hotel waiting for Anya. She knew that this should be simple, but at the same time, she couldn't help the sense of nervousness that she was feeling. She wasn't as graceful as she used to be with social interaction and she knew that she came across rather curt. It wasn't exactly intentional, she wasn't trying to be unpleasant, she just didn't know any other way to be anymore. 

Anya’s car rolled to a stop in front of her and she quickly slipped into the passenger seat.

“Hey squirt.” Anya greeted her pleasantly.  
“Please,” Lexa sighed, “stop calling me that.”  
“Right.” Anya nodded.  
Lexa just shook her head, knowing that she wasn't going to stop. “So, where are we going?”  
“Azgeda.” Anya answered simply.  
“The bar?” Lexa questioned. She had thought that they were going to dinner.  
“They serve food.” Anya replied, as though she had read her mind.  
“Let me guess,” Lexa nodded. “Raven picked it.”  
“Of course.” Anya smiled.

Lexa glanced at the smile and couldn't help the slight one that then crossed her lips. She was glad that Anya and Raven were still together. They were so perfectly matched. 

“What?” Anya asked when she noticed her staring.  
“I was just thinking about you and Raven.” Lexa answered with a shrug.   
“What about us?” Anya questioned her with a curiously glance.  
“Just how good you are together.” Lexa answered simply.  
Anya nodded. “It was rough for a little while, but we got through it.”  
“Rough?” Lexa asked as she quickly racked her mind. She didn't remember Anya ever mentioning any problems between her and Raven. Not once.  
“After you left.” Anya told her. “Things got a little rough and then Clarke couldn't really take being around me – which I totally understood, but it…”  
“Wait a minute,” Lexa cut her off. “What do you mean she couldn't take being around you?”   
“It was just hard for her.” Anya shrugged. “Seeing me, reminded her of you, so.”

Okay. That made sense, but still.

“So, Raven chose Clarke?” Lexa questioned.  
“No.” Anya shook her head. “No. It wasn't like that. Clarke was, pretty messed up. She needed her friends.”  
“You’re her friend.” Lexa shifted uncomfortably in her seat.   
“I am,” Anya nodded, “and that's why I was able to understand. Was it hard? Yes. Did things get tense between Raven and I? At times, but we got through it.”

Lexa shook her head and stared out the window. Fuck. Not only did she fuck up her relationship with Clarke, she almost ruined Anya’s relationship with Raven.

“Stop it.” Anya said sharply. “I can hear what you're thinking.”  
“I’m sorry.” Lexa shook her head, her chest was already starting to tighten. “I didn't mean…”  
“Stop.” Anya repeated as she pulled the car into a parking spot and shut of the engine. “I don't blame you.”  
“How can you not?” Lexa asked feeling completely astonished.  
“Because I was there.” Anya reminded her. “I know that you made choices before you knew how Clarke really felt and I know that if you had known, you would have chosen differently. Did you fuck up handling it? You absolutely did, but I don't blame you for anything that went on between Raven and I. Like I said, we got through it.”  
Lexa just shook her head.  
“Now come on,” Anya said as she opened her door. “Everyone's waiting.”  
Lexa closed her eyes and took a took a deep breath. Fuck.

As they crossed the threshold into the bar, Lexa's eyes instantly fell on Raven and Octavia, who greeted them both with smiles.

“Took you long enough.” Raven grinned as Anya dropped a light kiss on her cheek. “Come on. We have a table.”  
“Oh, you know that Lexa like to take her sweet time getting pretty.” Anya joked.  
Lexa glared at her lightly as she followed them to the table where Monty and Lincoln were waiting.

“Damn Lexa,” Octavia shook her head after they sat down. “Will you please relax a little?”  
“I am relaxed.” Lexa insisted quickly.  
“You look pretty stiff from where I’m sitting.” Lincoln smiled at her.  
“We’re not going to bite you,” Raven assured her playfully.  
“I just,” Lexa began but paused as she tried to find the right words. “I’m not very good at this anymore.”  
“Good at what?” Monty asked curiously.  
“I don't know,” Lexa shrugged. “Being social.”  
“Don't kid yourself, squirt.” Anya laughed. ”You always sucked at being social.”  
“I did not.” Lexa defended quickly.  
Everyone laughed and quite suddenly, Lexa found herself feeling slightly more at ease, until a flash of red caught her attention.

Clarke.

Clarke walked in and went straight toward a blonde that was sitting at the bar.

“Did you know that she was going to be here?” Lexa heard Octavia ask Raven, but her eyes were focused solely on Clarke and her heart wrenched as she watched the blonde tuck several strands of Clarke’s hair behind her ear and stroked her cheek.

Not a moment later, the blonde paid for her drink and the pair walked out, without having ever noticed the eyes that were watching them.

Fuck. Clarke's seeing someone. 

Lexa felt her heart rate increasing as she struggled to get out of the booth and made her way to the ladies room. She stood at the sink, splashing her face with water and absolutely regretting that she'd agreed to come to dinner.

Of course Clarke was seeing someone. She’s young, beautiful and brilliant. She could have anyone she wanted, so why wouldn't she? 

Seeing it though, that was a whole other thing. Just the mere thought of Clarke with someone else was painful, actually seeing it, that was just torture. 

An intense ache suddenly ripped though her chest and brought tears to her eyes. “Fuck,” she muttered as she brought her fist crashing down on to the porcelain. “Fuck.”


	9. Chapter 9

Clarke shot up in bed with her chest heaving and her eyes burning. Another damn nightmare. She glanced around the room and down at the sleeping blonde next her. Niylah. They had met a little more than a year ago when when Clarke was lost in an even darker state than her current one. 

Niylah was a very observant and compassionate woman. She knew that Clarke was damaged and that she barely had anything to offer and she never pressured her with expectations. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Niylah asked without opening her eyes.  
“No.” Clarke answered quickly as she slipped out of the bed. “I have to get to work.”  
“Clarke, you’re the boss.” Niylah said as she sat up. “You can take the morning off.”  
Clarke shook her head as she slipped back into her jeans.  
“It's been a while since you've done that.” Niylah sighed.  
“Taken the morning off?” Clarke glanced at her.  
“Called me so that you could fuck yourself into oblivion,” Niylah shook her head.  
Clarke straightened up looked at her.  
“Not that I’m complaining,” Niylah gave her a satisfied smile, “but, obviously somethings going on. What are you running from?”

Leave it to Niylah to extremely blunt and very direct.

“Everything.” Clarke answered as she dropped down into a chair to pull on her boots.  
“Everything?” Niylah echoed.  
Clarke nodded as she leaned back. “Lexa's back,” she finally sighed, “and I don't know how to deal with it.”  
Niylah nodded, she already knew the story. “Did you see her?”  
“Mhm.” Clarke closed her eyes  
“How did it go?” Niylah questioned as she leaned over the edge of the bed and grabbed her shirt.  
“I threw a beer in her face.” Clarke shrugged.  
Niylah chuckled lightly and shook her head. “Did you talk to her?”  
Clarke just shook her head, her eyes still remaining shut. None of it was important anyway.  
“Well, maybe you should.” Niylah said after a moment.  
Clarke's eye snapped open and flew out offer seat. What the hell? “Since when are you on Lexa's side?”  
“I'm not on her side, Clarke.” Niylah assured her with another light chuckle. “I don't even know her.”  
“Then why would you even suggest that?” Clarke shook her head, feeling totally confused.  
“Because that the deal.” Niylah stood up and grabbed her pants. “I don't bullshit you and you don't bullshit me.”

Totally true. This was something that they’d established early on. Neither of them had the time or energy for games. 

“Look, until you deal with this, you're just going to be stuck exactly where you are.” Niylah added after a moment.  
Clarke dropped back down into the chair and began to ponder this. 

Maybe Niylah had a point. Maybe the reason at she’d been trapped in this seemingly endless nightmare was because she never actually dealt with it. Lexa had called for a few weeks after she left, but at the time, the pain and anger was still too great, Clarke just couldn't listen to her and then one day the calls simply stopped. Lexa just gave up and that made the hurt all that much worse. 

Clarke sighed as she quickly flipped her hair into an extremely bun. She just had to get it off her, she was starting to feel like it was suffocating her.

When Lexa had freaked out and run away, Clarke had been worried. Then when Lexa disappeared for the entire week, without so much as a word being shared between them, Clarke had been pissed off. But, when Lexa finally turned back up and said that not only did she not want her, she was also leaving, Clarke had been heartbroken. 

Her worst nightmare became a reality. She had lost her. 

The truth was, Clarke could have accepted Lexa not feeling the same. It would have been hard and it would have hurt, but eventually, she could have done it. They could have stopped sleeping together too, even though Clarke certainly didn't want that, they could have. What happened, didn't have to happen. Lexa didn’t have to freak out, find a job and run away to another damn state, on the other side of the country just to get away from it all, just to get away from her. 

Clarke knew that Lexa didn't do relationships, but she rolled the dice anyway and she lost. She lost everything. 

“I just don't think I can.” Clarke finally said.  
“Did you ever wonder if maybe things aren't what they seem?” Niylah suddenly questioned her from the edge of the bed. “You did say that she had tried to call you for a while. Maybe she was trying to tell you something. Maybe there's something that you don't know.”  
Clarke shook her head.

Lexa had come to see her, she had said what she needed to say. What more could there possibly be to know?

“Okay, maybe there's nothing to know.” Niylah’s voice broke into her thoughts. “Maybe there are just things that need to be said.”  
“By her?” Clarke questioned. “Why should I…”  
“By you.” Niylah cut her off quickly and got to her feet. “If you’re hurt, be hurt and tell her why. If you’re angry, be angry and let her have it. But, get it out. Get it out of your system, out of your mind. It's already been eating you up for way too long. You need to just get it out.”  
Clarke gave her a tiny nod. “Maybe,” her voice was soft.  
Niylah touched her shoulder kindly and crossed the room into the bathroom.

Clarke: Where is Lexa staying?  
Raven: Depends.  
Clarke: On what?  
Raven: Your intentions.  
Clarke: Raven.  
Raven: Are you going to make her go boom?  
Clarke: I’m going to make you go boom in about two seconds.  
Clarke: I just want to know where she’s staying. Is it with Anya?  
Raven: Are you going to slaughter her in her sleep?  
Clarke: Raven!  
Raven: Fine! No. it's not with Anya. She offered but Lexa turned her down. She's at the hotel around the corner from Polis.  
Raven: Don't fucking make me regret this!

Clarke tucked her phone into her pocket. She didn't know what she was going to do with the information or if she was going to do anything at all. Part of her hoped that she'd do nothing and another part of her felt the sudden urge to jump in her car and drive over there at that very second.

Niylah came back in and sat on the arm of the chair. “Are you okay?”  
“Not really.” Clarke admitted as she and her head against her.  
Niylah gently rubbed the back of her neck. “You carry so much pain,” she said softly.  
“It's all that I have.” Clarke whispered after a moment. “I hurt all of the time and nothing that I do makes any difference.”  
“Try dealing with the source.” Niylah gave her neck a light squeeze.

Clarke sat up and Niylah placed a firm kiss on the side of her head. “I have to go,” she told her. “You’ll lock up for me when you leave?”  
Clarke nodded. “Of course.”

A few minutes later Niylah was gone and Clarke released a long sigh and wondered if maybe she was right. 

Maybe it was time to deal with the source.


	10. Chapter 10

In the days that passed since seeing Clarke leave the bar with some unknown blonde, Lexa had been raging and everything inside of her was just burning. She knew that it was wrong, she knew that she had no right, but still, she was angry. Not necessarily with Clarke, because really, how could she be? After all, she had been the one who left. She had been the one who fucked everything up and she was the reason that Clarke had found someone else.

Snuffing out her cigarette, Lexa crossed the room into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her. Quickly she turned on the shower and ripped off her suit before slipping into the shower and letting the frigid water soothe her rapidly overheating skin. Though the ache in her chest was something that she had become quite accustomed to at this point, being back home made it a hundred times worse and damn near constant.   
Coming back here had been a mistake. She should have just stayed away. She should have. Either on the road or in San Francisco, it didn’t really matter, just anywhere other than here. 

As another twinge fired off in her chest, Lexa leaned her forehead against the cool tile wall and winced. Her medication helped, but it only took the edge off and then dropped her into a dreamless sleep. Something had to give, it just had to. There had to be a medium and damn it, she had to find it. She had to shut it off, she had to get it back under control and she had to stop fucking feeling it.

Half an hour later, Lexa turned off the shower and stepped out. After quickly drying herself off, she slipped into a light pair of sleep pants and a tank top before scooping the towel up again and exiting the bathroom. Dropping down onto the edge of the bed, she had just begun the tedious task of drying her hair when a knocking suddenly echoed through the room. Lexa stared at the door for a moment, wondering if she had simply imagined it, until it came again and with a heavy groan she got to her feet and made her way to the door. Peering through the eyehole though, all she saw was darkness.

Lexa rolled her eyes and shook her head, she was not in the mood for Raven’s games tonight. She let out a frustrated huff and unlocked the door, pulling it open rather quickly. “Raven, I’m really not…” she began, but froze as her eyes fell on the last thing she would have expected.

Clarke Griffin – no, correction, a suddenly blonde, Clarke Griffin.

As Lexa’s breath hitched somewhere in her chest, she blinked, not sure if what she was seeing was real and absentmindedly even pinched herself to see if it was a dream. 

Nope, not a dream. Totally happening, totally real.

“You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” Clarke’s voice filled her ears.   
“I think I have,” Lexa replied foolishly, before a realization rang out in her head. Clarke was standing at her door. Shit. This can’t possibly be good. “What are you doing here?”  
Clarke’s eyes were hard and slightly narrowed. “I don’t know,” she answered plainly.  
Lexa nodded and not knowing what else to say or do, she backed into the room, leaving space for Clarke to enter, if she chose to do so.

She did.

When the sound of the door clicking shut filled her ears, Lexa felt both her heart rate and her breathing increase – she was completely terrified. She watched as Clarke’s eyes slowly glanced around the room, taking in her surroundings while the minutes melted away.

“I want to know why.” Clarke finally said.   
“Why what?” Lexa asked, still rooted on the spot.   
“Why you left the way that you did,” Clarke answered. “Why you ran away like that. I want to know what I did that made you run away.”  
“I tried calling you.” Lexa reminded her. “I tried to explain.”  
“I was upset. I couldn't talk to you,” Clarke responded, “and then you just stopped. So, what was it? What did I do to make you just walk away from me like that?”  
“Nothing.” Lexa answered firmly. “You didn’t do anything.”  
“Bullshit,” Clarke countered quickly. “If you didn’t want to be with me, you just could have said that. You were my best friend. It might have hurt but, I would have understood. You didn’t have to leave.”  
Lexa felt her heart drop. Oh God, is that what Clarke thought? That she left, because of her? That it was her that she didn’t want? “I had taken a job,” she shook her head and then lost her words in a shaky breath.   
“Yeah, right after I told you how I felt.” Clarke nodded.   
“Before.” Lexa responded softly, trying to keep her nerves in check. “I took the job before I knew.”  
Clarke’s eyes widened at her words. “Why didn’t you say something?”  
Lexa swallowed hard, she knew that this information wasn’t going to go over well. “I was going to tell you – that night, but then you…” again, her words became lost.   
“Foolishly, told you that I was in love with you,” Clarke filled in the blank and shook her head. “Yeah, I remember.”  
Lexa winced slightly as the memory cleared in her mind. “I didn’t know what to do,” she admitted quietly.   
“You didn’t know what to do?” Clarke eyes flared with anger at this. “How about anything other than what you did!”  
Lexa shook her head, trying to block out the pain that was swelling in her chest. “I didn’t mean…”  
“Stop saying that!” Clarke nearly yelled as she flung her keys against the wall. “That’s all that you ever say anymore!”

Lexa closed her eyes and continued to shake her head. The pain in her chest was increasing fast and breathing was becoming harder with every minute. She was so not prepared for this conversation.

“I never wanted to hurt you.” Lexa finally spoke. “I mean, I did, but I didn’t.”  
“What does that even mean?” Clarke exclaimed in obvious confusion.

Lexa pushed her still wet hair out of her face and swallowed hard, but didn’t say anything. The words were there, but none of them were right. It was all fucked up – just so fucked up. The unyielding pressure building in her was steadily increasing and now her body was literally beginning to tremble from her effort to contain it.

“You’re so stubborn – so stubborn,” Lexa finally tried, her body temperature was quickly rising and she was already starting to sweat, “and hurting you was the only way – it was the only way that you would stop.”  
“Stop what?” Clarke shook her head. “What did I do that was so wrong?”  
“Nothing,” Lexa told her, feeling her eyes starting to moisten. “But…”  
“Damn it, Lexa.” Clarke cut her off, clearly becoming frustrated. “Just, tell me what the hell really happened.”  
“I bit off more than I could chew!” Lexa suddenly snapped, as her body began to burn. “Is that what you want to hear me say?”  
“I want the fucking truth!” Clarke fired back.  
Lexa swallowed a groan that tried to escape her as another pang went off in her heavy chest. “The truth,” she breathed. “I didn’t know. I didn’t know how you felt. I never thought…and then the job…but, I thought that it would be fine. I thought, of course we could handle it, but then you told me and I knew. I knew what you’d say, but your whole life was here,” she rambled blindly. “Everyone, everything – everything you had been working for, it was all here and if you came to San…”  
“That wasn’t your choice to make!” Clarke scolded her quickly, with fire in her eyes.  
Lexa shook her head. It was true. It wasn’t. She knew that it wasn’t, but she had made it hers.

Suddenly a massive surge of pain rushed through Lexa, bringing with it a slightly visible tremor that rocked through her body and left her unable to contain the painful whimper that escaped her lips. 

Fuck. No. She couldn't do this. The pain was too much. It needed to stop. This, needed to stop.

“Clarke,” Lexa’s breath came out slightly strained. “I think you should just go. I don’t want to talk anymore.”  
“Lexa,” Clarke took a step forward. “I'm actually tryi…”  
“Just go,” Lexa cut her off harshly and turned her back, knowing that the pain would show in her face if she didn't. “Go!”  
There was a painful silence for a moment. "Yep," Clarke scoffed as she turned to the door, “still a fucking asshole.” 

As soon as Clarke was gone, Lexa grabbed on to a nearby chair and held on as though her life depended on it. She was fighting against an unknown force, trying desperately to slow the pounding of her heart and get her breathing back under control. “Please,” she barely breathed as the shaking in her body became uncontrollable and tears slipped down her cheeks. 

All this time, Clarke thought that it was because of her? 

Lexa drew a short and strangled breath. The pain was everywhere now, trying to both crush and shatter her all in the same moment. It was too much – far too much and she couldn’t take it. Suddenly spots of white light began popping off in her line of vision and the next thing that she knew, there was nothing, except an endless sense of falling.


	11. Chapter 11

Clarke walked down the hallway shaking her head. Her mind was dazed by the conversation that had just taken place, if she could even call it a conversation. “This was a brilliant idea,” she muttered to herself as she pushed the call button for the elevator. Regardless of how much she wanted to, she was not going to lose her temper and blow her top. No. Not here, not now. She needed to leave. She just wanted to get in her car and get the hell out of there. Her head was pounding and though she needed to think, she really didn’t want to. Why did everything have to be so fucking difficult?

Clarke sighed as she leaned back against the wall, waiting for the elevator. She wasn’t exactly sure what she was thinking when she had knocked on Lexa’s door. She just wanted to talk, she just wanted to understand, but damn, if this hadn’t been a bad idea. She shouldn’t have come here. She shouldn’t have tried. Obviously Lexa didn’t want to talk to her about what had happened or at least, she didn’t want to give her a straight answer about any of it – hell, she would barely even look at her. 

All things considered, perhaps it was a little unfair of her to just show up like this and expect some answers, but she couldn’t really help it. Her mind had been reeling for days, fuck – it had been reeling for years and there were just so many things that she didn’t understand, so many thing that she wanted to know. But now, well shit, she was even more bewildered than she had been before. Nothing seemed to make sense, well, some of it did, but still, it wasn’t enough.

The elevator doors opened and Clarke stepped inside, quickly pushing the button for the lobby. Leaning back against the wall, she paused for a moment and took in her reflection on the mirrored wall. Okay, so blonde was definitely better. Seeing herself now, even she had to agree. She had changed it back a few days ago, after leaving Niylah’s apartment and though she wasn’t exactly sure why, it somehow just felt like the right place to start.

As the doors began to close, Clarke quickly found her mind jumping back to Lexa and she couldn’t help but shake her head and scoff. 

Lexa had accepted the job before she even knew the truth. That had been a shock, because honestly, out of all of the things she had considered over the last two years, it had never been one of them. Though she knew that Lexa had met up with her editor friend about some job possibility, Lexa never mentioned it in the week that followed, so she had just assumed that like other jobs, it had fallen through and Lexa simply didn’t want to discuss it. 

Her mistake, apparently. 

Regardless, that information told her one thing; Lexa hadn’t run away because of her, or rather, because of how she felt. That wasn’t how it happened. Granted, in the end, they obviously didn’t want the same things, because Lexa still chose to leave, but the fact that she hadn’t left because of how Clarke felt – that was something. 

The elevator came to a pause and the doors slipped open, letting in a tall, dark haired man who was talking on a cell phone – something about product placement. Clarke gripped the bar that ran around the center of the elevator and kicked her foot at a smudge mark on the floor.

Lexa was the one that stopped calling. It was true, she couldn’t talk to her right after everything happened. She was too upset, way too upset and just the sound of Lexa’s voice seemed to cut through her like a knife. It just hurt too much and she couldn’t listen, she couldn’t hear it. Sometimes she just ignored the calls, other times she’d answer and yell at Lexa to leave her alone, but she was a mess, a complete mess. She had lost her best friend – her rock and right after she had just accepted and admitted that she was in love with her. How could she not be a mess? 

Eventually though, Lexa's calls just stopped and as much as she hated to admit it, she missed them. She missed them because even though she was angry and hurt, those calls showed her that they were still connected – that they still had that connection and then they were just gone, everything was just gone.

Clarke shifted as the elevator came to another stop and the doors opened once more, this time letting in a large crowd of people. Really? This has to happen right now? She couldn’t just get to the lobby in one quick drop? Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath Clarke tried to ignore the noise of all of their chatter and focus on her thoughts.

Lexa said that she didn’t want to hurt her, but that she did at the same time? What did that even mean? Who says that? It didn’t even make any damn sense! 

Why would she want to hurt her? What could she have possibly done to justify being hurt like that? Lexa claimed that it was the only way to make her stop, but to make her stop what? Stop being stubborn? Well shit, that wasn’t going to happen. Everyone knew that she was stubborn, she had always been stubborn – it was just who she was. Clarke sighed as she bumped her head lightly against the elevator wall. Christ, this was just all so confusing. 

Lexa told her that she had bit of more than she could chew. What the hell was she talking about? Did she mean with her? Or was it the job? What? What was it?

God! Why couldn’t Lexa just speak? What the hell was wrong with her? Why couldn’t she just give her a damn straight answer?

The comment about San Francisco, that one hit her hard. It was true, she would have been willing to drop everything to give her and Lexa a chance, but who the hell was Lexa to decide that she shouldn’t? That was definitely not her fucking choice to make. Then again, the two of them clearly hadn’t wanted the same things, so in truth, that part actually did make sense.

When the doors finally opened at the lobby, Clarke waited as the crowd took their sweet time exiting before she finally stepped out and walked toward the double doors. Her mind was in a fog and she could still hear Lexa’s voice in her ears, snapping at her to leave. Truthfully, yeah, she probably shouldn’t have just shown up like had, but at the same time, she was trying. She was trying, damn it and Lexa just went into complete shutdown mode on her – again. 

Such a fucking asshole.

As Clarke exited the hotel, somehow, she couldn’t help but give herself a mental pat on the back. For the most part, she had kept her temper in check, she hadn’t cried and nothing had gotten broken. Pretty damn impressive, if you asked her. But now, she was just so ready to get the hell out of there. Finally reaching her car, she quickly shoved her hand into her pocket and then almost instantly dropped head against the roof. 

She had kept her temper in check, she hadn’t cried and nothing got broken, but something did get thrown. 

Her keys.

“Fuck,” Clarke muttered as she slowly turned and looked back up at the hotel. “You have got to be kidding me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was really surprised when no one pointed that out.


	12. Chapter 12

Lexa opened her eyes, blinking several times and trying to get her mind to understand what her eyes were seeing. It was the underside of a bed, her bed. She was on the floor. Ah. Right. Being that the room still seemed lit by the sun that was pouring in through the window, she guessed that it hadn’t been more than a couple of minutes.

“Fuck,” she muttered to herself without making any attempt to move. This wasn't the first time that she had found herself on the floor and she was quite sure that it wouldn't be the last. Suddenly remembering what led to her current state, Lexa instantly felt tears threatening her eyes and closed them.

Clarke thought that she had left because of how she felt? That she had been running from her? How was that even possible? She had told her that she loved her, she told her that she cared. Why would she think that? It didn't make any sense. Not once had she said that it was her that she didn't want. Never. All that she said was that she didn't want her to go. Granted, she did lie and say that she couldn't handle both her new job and a relationship, but Clarke had caught her in that, she had called her out right on the spot.

Fuck. No wonder Clarke looked at her the way she did. No wonder Raven said that she was broken. All this time, she had been here believing things that were absolutely not true. 

Lexa squeezed her eyes closed even tighter, trying to will away the urge to just breakdown. She had never wanted this, she never wanted any of this. All that she ever wanted was…

“Um,” Clarke’s voice suddenly filled the room. “Lexa?”  
Lexa’s eyes flew open in a panic. Fuck. The door must not have latched properly. Think, stupid. Get up! Quickly she pushed herself up off of the floor and glanced at Clarke, who was standing at the door, staring at her curiously. 

Thank God, the bed had been blocking most of her view. “I thought that I asked you to leave,” Lexa said as she got to her feet.  
“If that's what you call asking, I'd hate to see what you call demanding.” Clarke responded, still looking at her curiously. “What were you doing on the floor?”  
“I tripped,” Lexa lied quickly. Tripped? Really? So stupid.  
Clarke's eyes narrowed skeptically. “Why do you look like you just ran a marathon?”  
“Maybe I did.” Lexa shrugged. She could already feel herself responding to Clarke's presence again. God, her eyes were so intimidating.  
“Lexa,” Clarke began as she stepped forward.  
“What do you want, Clarke?” Lexa cut her off as she turned and grabbed her cigarettes off of the dresser and took one in her teeth. “I told you that I don't want to talk anymore.”  
“Uh huh,” Clarke was still eyeing her with curiosity. “I didn't come back to talk,” she said as she turned and walked to the other side of the room, quickly bending over and retrieving her keys. She held the up to Lexa and gave then a shake.  
“Ah,” Lexa nodded. “Well, then,” she lit her cigarette and motioned to the door.  
“You don't look good.” Clarke suddenly told her.  
“I’m fine.” Lexa responded firmly. It was true, she was fine or rather, she'd be fine as soon as Clarke was gone.  
"Lexa,” Clarke tried again.  
“Clarke,” Lexa again, cut her off. She couldn't do this right now, she just couldn't. “Will you just please, get out of here?”  
Clarke's eyes narrowed again as she bit the inside of her lip and gave a curt nod before walking out the door without another word.

Once she was gone, Lexa immediately retrieved her medication from her jacket and tossed a pill into her mouth. She set the bottle on the dresser and walked into the bathroom, quickly taking a mouth full of water from the tap, she swallowed hard and sighed. What a fucking day this had turned into.

Forty five minutes later, Lexa was sitting at the desk with her mind just lost in a haze. This was such a jumbled mess. Everything was so screwed up that she didn't even know where to begin. Reaching over, she pulled another cigarette out of her pack and began to tap it on the edge of the desk. There had to be something, something that she could do to try and fix it all. A knock at her door suddenly pulled her out of her thoughts. Not again.

Lexa stood up and walked to the door, peering through the eyehole, again her gaze fell on Clarke, who was leaning against the opposite wall and waiting patiently. Seriously? Lexa rolled her eyes and unlocked the door.

“Clarke,” she said as she opened the door and stepped into the hallway. “I told you, I don't want to talk.”  
“Ahem,” the sound of someone clearing their throat came from Lexa's right and turning, her eyes fell on the last thing she expected.

Abigail Griffin. 

Lexa looked back at Clarke, who set her jaw and popped her eyebrow slightly. This fucking woman. Unbelievable.

Abby stepped between the two of them, facing Clarke. “I’ll take it from here,” she said firmly and without another word, Clarke turned and walked away.  
“Abby,” Lexa began, but lost her words when Abby turned and looked at her.  
“Inside,” Abby motioned to the room and just like that, Lexa found herself walking back into her room.

As the door clicked shut, Lexa pulled out her lighter and went to light her cigarette, but froze as a debate instantly began in her head. On one hand, it was her room, she could smoke in it if she wanted to. On the other, it would be rude to force Abby to be trapped in a smoke filled room, regardless of how the cigarette would help soothe her nerves. In the end, respect won out.

”How are you, Lexa?” Abby asked as she set her bag down.  
“I’m fine.” Lexa replied, suddenly filled with the urge to just hug her, but Abby's eyes were just as intimidating as Clarke’s and she found that she couldn't move.  
Abby stepped forward then and pulled her into a tight hug. “So, you want to tell me what's going on?” She asked after a moment.  
“Nothing,” Lexa replied as she stepped out of her embrace.  
“Lexa, I know that something…” Abby began.  
“Abby, just leave it alone.“ Lexa cut her off. “I’m not a child. You can't just come in here and…”  
“You're not a child,” Abby interrupted her with a nod, “but I'm not blind and Clarke’s wouldn't have called me without a reason.”  
Lexa swallowed hard and gave her a questioning look.  
Abby motioned to the prescription bottle sitting on the dresser and gave her a knowing look.  
Damn it. Lexa stepped forward and quickly scooped up the bottle and tucked it into her pocket. “It’s nothing,” Lexa shook her head, “and I told Clarke that I was fine.”  
“Just because you said it,” Abby nodded as she sat down, “doesn't mean that it's true.”  
Lexa averted her eyes, suddenly unable to look at her. “Why are you even here?” She asked.  
“Clarke called me.” Abby answered simply.  
“But, I hurt her,” Lexa shook her head. “Why are you here?”  
Abby seemed to consider this for a moment. “I won't lie, it was hard to see Clarke hurting so badly,” she finally answered, “and knowing that, of all people, it was you who caused it. At the time, as her mother, I would have loved to just wring your neck, but tonight when she called and said that something was wrong, the concern in her voice was all that I needed to come here.”  
Lexa shook her head. “You hate me too,” she said, taking in the meaning behind Abby's words.  
“Lexa,” Abby got to her feet. “No one hates you, least of all, Clarke.”  
“You're wrong,” Lexa said as she leaned back against the dresser. No one was saying it, but it was definitely there.  
“I’m not. Look, you’re an adult and you made a decision.” Abby told her. “Clarke fell in love with you, but nothing obligated you to return those feelings. Could you have just explained that you didn't feel the same, rather than being so hurtful and running away, of course, but…”  
“That's not what happened,” Lexa cut her off quickly, “it’s not and I didn't even know that she thought that until a little while ago.”  
Abby eyed her curiously, but didn't say anything.

Lexa ran her fingers briskly through her hair. Fuck. Is that what everyone thought? That she had run away? Really? How could any of them think that? 

“So, what happened earlier?” Abby’s voice broke into her thoughts.  
Lexa shook her head. “Nothing,” she answered.  
“Clarke said that you were pale, sweating and visibly trembling,” Abby spoke calmly as she sat back down, “and that when she came back for her keys, you were on the floor.”  
Lexa looked at her and considered lying again. “I…” she took a deep breath. “I have trouble…dealing with things, emotional things. It’s a,” she stopped and shook her head, feeling instantly embarrassed.  
“It's a type of anxiety disorder.” Abby finished for her.  
Lexa nodded, reaching into her pocket, she retrieved her medication and tossed it to her.  
Abby caught it and turned it over to read the label. “Okay,” she nodded. “You're not abusing these, right?”  
Lexa shook her head. “I don't even like taking them,” she told her. She didn't even know why she was sharing this information with Abby, even Anya didn't know about it. “Please, don't…”  
“I'm not going to tell anyone,” Abby assured her quickly. “I’m assuming that what Clarke saw was the onset and aftermath of an attack?”  
“I wasn't prepared for her to show up here,” Lexa answered with a nod. “Everything happened so fast and before I knew it, I was on the ground.”  
“Well, I’m glad that she was out of the room before that happened.” Abby sighed. “It probably would have scared her to death.”  
“I had a feeling that it was coming.” Lexa explained she sat down next to Abby and rubbed her hands together. “I yelled at her to go.”  
“And then she ended up having to come back.” Abby nodded.  
Lexa shook her head, but grinned slightly. “Stupid keys,” she chuckled in spite of herself.

It was strange to be sitting there talking to Abby about something that she had guarded against everyone else. Normally, just the thought of anyone knowing filled her with embarrassment and even shame, but this time, she didn't feel either of those things. No. Instead there was an odd sense of relief spreading through her and suddenly, she had a thought. “Abby, do you think that…” she paused and took a deep breath. “Can I talk to you?”


	13. Chapter 13

Clarke exited the hotel and walked toward her car at an exceedingly quick pace. Now, she really just needed to go. A moment later, as she slipped into the driver seat, she let out a slight sigh in frustration. Okay, so perhaps calling in her mother wasn’t exactly fair, but it was just so obvious that something had happened – something was just wrong. Lexa just looked, wrong. Clarke turned over the engine and pulled out of her parking spot. It wasn’t that she cared, no – not at all. Lexa wasn’t her problem, she hadn’t been for a long time, but still, this was something that just couldn't be left alone.

A little while later Clarke pulled into a parking spot near her apartment and got out of her car. Her head was still all hazed from her exchange with Lexa and honestly, she really just didn’t know what to think. On some level she had hoped that her conversation with Lexa, if it could even be called a conversation, would give her some answers, but instead, all that she had was a brand new list of questions and boatload of confusion. Ugh. This was such bullshit. Question, answer. It was very simple. She had asked the questions, why couldn’t Lexa just give her the damn answers? Even though she really couldn’t say why - she was trying, why couldn’t Lexa? Did she really just not give a shit? 

Clarke walked through her door catching a glimpse of Raven sitting on the couch. “Hey,” she greeted her as she dropped her keys onto the table inside the door.  
“Hey,” Raven glanced at her and then did a very obvious double take, her jaw gaping a bit. “Whoa.”  
“What?” Clarke questioned curiously.  
“You’re blonde.” Raven answered instantly.  
At this, Anya popped up next to Raven. “Well damn,” she smiled at her. “Good to see you again.”  
Clarke grinned slightly and shook her head. “Oh, knock it off you two.”  
“You look really good,” Raven told her. “What made you decide to change it back?”  
Clarke paused for a moment and looked at her. While she appreciated the compliment, she didn’t really have an answer to the question, at least, not a real one. Not one that would make any actual sense. She just shrugged.  
“Okay then,” Raven stretched. “So, where’re you been?”  
“Arguing with Lexa,” Clarke answered as she crossed through the living room and dropped into a chair.  
Raven’s eyes went wide and her jaw dropped. “I’m sorry, what?”  
“Where did you run into Lexa?” Anya inquired, looking slightly taken aback.  
“Her hotel room,” Clarke answered and instantly Anya looked at Raven, who blushed slightly. “Don’t worry, I didn’t hurt her,” she added. “Although…”  
“Although?” Anya questioned her with a curious look in her eyes.  
Clarke took a deep breath. There had been something so wrong about Lexa, about the way she’d found her and really, just the general air about their entire exchange. “Anya, have you noticed anything, I don’t know, funny about her?” She asked, sitting forward slightly.  
“Funny how?” Anya shook her head.  
“Okay, long story short, we had a bit of a heated exchange, if you could even call it an exchange and then she told me to leave,” Clarke explained quickly. “I did, but then had to go back, because I left my keys, but when I got back, Lexa was all pale and sweaty and she…”  
“What?” Raven asked impatiently.  
“She was on the floor.” Clarke answered. “She said that she tripped, but I don’t…”  
Anya eyes went wide with concern as she jumped to her feet and grabbed her phone.  
“No. Wait,” Clarke quickly interjected as she too jumped up. “Don’t freak out. Really, she’s fine. I…”  
“You what?” Anya turned, giving her a firm stare.  
“I called my mother,” Clarke told her with a slight shrug. “Look, I’m not stupid. I knew that something was up, but she wouldn’t tell me what and then she kicked me out again. I might be a bitch, but,” she didn’t finish her sentence.  
Anya nodded, clearly letting her know that she understood and then fired off a quick text.  
“You called Abby?” Raven grinned at her. “She is so totally going to hate you.”  
“So,” Clarke shrugged simply, “we’ll be even.” Not even close to even.

Lexa would get over it or she wouldn’t, either way, it was too fricken bad for her. She could have just been honest about whatever the hell was going on, as it was so obviously something, she wasn’t – serves her right. Everyone knew that Abby had a way of getting through to Lexa – she always had. It was the only card that Clarke had to play, so she played it. Simple.

Clarke dropped back down into her chair and stared at Anya. “Did you know,” she started as she watched Anya sink back into the couch next to Raven, “that she had taken the job before I told her how I felt?”  
“I’m sorry, Clarke.” Anya’s cheeks flushed a little. “It wasn’t my place to tell you that.”

Clarke considered this. She knew a lot about the dynamics of Lexa and Anya’s relationship and that they had their own way of doing things and one of those ways, was to try and keep out of each other’s personal lives – it didn’t always work, but they tried. It was true, Anya could have told her, but it was also true that she respected her sisters enough not to. Clarke couldn’t find it in herself to be angry, slightly frustrated, sure, but not angry.

“Do you know why she wanted to hurt me?” Clarke questioned curiously. She knew that even if Anya knew, there was a good chance that she wouldn’t answer, but she had to ask.   
“Wanted to hurt you?” Anya’s eyes narrowed slightly.   
“She said what she didn’t want to hurt me, but at the same time she did.” Clarke nodded. “Something about me being stubborn and how it was the only way that I would stop.”  
“Stop what?” Raven face twisted up with confusion.  
“Fucked if I know,” Clarke sighed and waved her hands. “She wasn’t exactly being very clear with me.”  
“Would it matter if she was?” Raven suddenly scoffed. “I mean, would it change anything?”

Clarke leaned back in her chair. Would it change anything? That, was a really good question. Yes. No. Maybe? Maybe. Maybe, if Lexa could actually pull her head out of her ass and have a normal fucking conversation. Maybe, if Lexa would actually give her a straight answer instead of dropping puzzle pieces that she needs to try and put together on her own. Maybe, if Lexa would stop starting her sentences with, I didn’t mean. God, that was so annoying! Maybe…

Clarke sighed. “Honestly, I don’t know,” she answered. “Maybe?”  
“Do you want it to?” Raven asked her.  
Clarke let her eyes bounce between Raven and Anya. It wasn’t a bad question, it was an honest question. “I don’t know,” she answered as she turned in her seat and draped her legs over the arm. Honest question, honest answer. It was the truth, what more could she say?

She wanted answers, that was true enough, but where it went after that – shit, that was anybody’s guess. She had already reacted to what she thought was the truth. If things weren’t what she thought they were, well, there was no saying how she might react. Damn it. It would be like starting back at square one. 

“You seem different,” Anya voice suddenly filled her ears.  
Clarke glanced at her. “Different?”  
“Not as angry?” Anya offered with a shrug.  
“Oh no,” Clarke shook her head quickly, “Make no mistake, I’m still angry. That hasn’t changed.”  
“Then what has?” Raven shifted against Anya and pulled her bad leg up onto the couch. “Because, something’s different. I can see it.”  
“I don’t know,” Clarke found herself repeating weakly. “Really, I feel like I don’t know much of anything right now.” It was true. At this point, she just felt so completely lost. She needed time to process and clear her head because apparently, there were things that she didn't know and clearly, Lexa wasn't going to be much help.

Anya’s phone buzzed on the couch next to her and quickly she picked it up.

“Lexa?” Raven asked her curiously.  
Anya nodded and began to reply to the message.  
“And?” Raven pushed at her side.  
“She said that she’s fine,” Anya answered, barely concealing a grin, “and that Clarke still doesn’t play fair.”  
Raven dropped her head on to Anya's shoulder and chuckled.   
Clarke shook her head and crossed her arms defiantly. “And, I still don’t care.”


	14. Chapter 14

A week had passed since Lexa’s face to face with Clarke and she had spent a lot of that time talking with Abby. Not about Clarke or what had happened. No. That would have just been wrong. These conversations were more about her and her inability to, more or less, deal with emotion. It hadn’t been easy, but Lexa found herself determined to try. Until she could keep herself in check, she couldn’t talk to Clarke and really, all that she wanted to do at this point was just talk to Clarke.

“So, you think that I’m crazy?” Lexa asked her as they waited for the waitress to return with their coffee.  
“No,” Abby shook her head. “Not at all.”  
“Mentally unstable then.” Lexa corrected her phrasing.  
“Lexa,” Abby said in a warning tone, not appearing to appreciate Lexa’s smart remark. “You’re not crazy or mentally unstable.”  
“Abby, I can’t even make it through a simple conversation.” Lexa countered as she slumped in her chair.  
“Because that conversation is with Clarke and for you, there’s nothing simple about it.” Abby pointed out quickly, “You want her to understand, but you can’t make her, so there’s no control. It’s scary.”  
“I don’t want to control her, Abby.” Lexa replied shaking her head. It was totally true, she didn’t. She absolutely didn’t. “I just don’t want stupid body to go all haywire on me. I don't want her to have to see that.”  
“Then be upfront about it,” Abby responded matter-of-factly as the waitress set their coffees on the table.  
At this, Lexa released and audible whine and dropped her head into her hands. “Why do you keep doing this?” She asked after a moment. “It’s not your problem.”

Abby didn’t have to do this. She didn’t and she shouldn’t. After all, it was her own daughter that had been hurt by Lexa’s idiocy and who was now probably continuing to be hurt, by her inability to just function like a normal human being. 

Abby took a sip of her coffee and eyed her for a moment. “I have my own opinions on why things might have happened the way that they did,” she answered shortly.  
Lexa felt her eyes narrow. Now what the hell was this about? “Care to share those opinions?” She asked curiously.  
“You were very quick to accept the position that they offered you.” Abby told her as she leaned back in her seat.  
Lexa nodded in response. Totally true. She absolutely had been and that, was a huge mistake.  
“Tell me, how much time was there in between our conversation in my office, when Clarke took your laptop, and the day you were offered the job?” Abby folded her hands in her front of her and waited.  
Lexa thought back, trying to remember. Shit. Um. A few days? A week, maybe? What difference did it make? It was totally irrelevant. It… Suddenly a thought popped into her head and her shoulders dropped a little. “You are not saying what I think you’re saying?”  
“I am saying that you are a very driven individual with highly overpowering work habits that, when not kept in check, can push you to destructive personal limits.” Abby explained firmly. “You had been working at an obsessive pace for months and it had only quite recently stopped when others, specifically Clarke, intervened and...”  
“No way,” Lexa immediately cut her off. “I will not blame my actions on my,” she paused for a second, clenching her jaw and trying to ignore the slight tightening in her chest, “compulsion.” She hated using that word. “I won’t do that. I won’t.”  
“I’m not saying that it’s the reason, Lexa.” Abby shook her head quickly. “What I’m saying, is that I believe that it was a factor in your behavior.”  
Lexa crossed her arms as her leg began to bounce furiously under the table.

No. No. Absolutely not. She was not going to go to Clarke and claim that she had no control over what she was doing. She knew what she was doing, or well, mostly knew what she was doing. Obviously she had made some mistakes along the way – some really big mistakes and she had said some really stupid thing. Not a single thing had gone the way that she had expected it would, but still. In the end, she was that one that was responsible. Her actions, her choices – her fault. It was her – just her. Granted, there had definitely been some misinterpretations on Clarke’s part, but Lexa was pretty sure that those were her fault too.

“You say that you don’t want to control Clarke,” Abby’s voice broke into her thoughts, “personally, I think that’s a great start. You shouldn’t want to control her – not ever. What you need to do is control yourself, mind your defensiveness and maybe find a way to keep the atmosphere around you two relatively composed.”  
Lexa couldn’t help but chuckle at this. Had Abby forgotten that they were discussing her and Clarke here? 

Okay. Seriously though, as weird as it sounded, maybe Abby actually had a point. If there was a way to just, slow things down, then maybe – maybe, her body wouldn’t betray her. Maybe, she could sit down and get though a conversation with Clarke or at least, try.

Suddenly Lexa looked up. “I think that I might have an idea.”  
“I don’t know whether to be excited or terrified.” Abby grinned at her and rolled her eyes slightly.

A couple of evenings later, Lexa was sitting in her car, parked down the street from Clarke’s and debating. In her head this seemed like logical idea. No. No, it didn’t. She was totally lying to herself. This was absolutely insane and Clarke was probably going to bite her head off the moment that’s she laid eyes on her. Lexa sighed as she pulled out her phone and fired off a text.

Lexa: Are you home?  
Raven: No. Why?  
Lexa: I want to talk to Clarke.  
Raven: Very brave or very stupid, I can’t quite decide.  
Lexa: Stupid, always stupid.  
Lexa: Can you just…  
Raven: Don’t worry, Commander. I’m shacking up with Anya tonight ;)  
Lexa: TMI!!!  
Raven: Hahaha!!!  
Raven: Go deal with your shit!

Lexa turned off the sound on her phone and tucked it away as she stared down the block. She assumed that Clarke was home, she could see her car and that there were also lights on inside. God, she just hoped that she was alone. Taking a deep breath, she stepped out of the car and retrieved her things before walking toward the front door. Getting there however, Lexa found herself frozen. On one hand, she really did want to try and talk to Clarke. On the other hand, she really, really wanted to live through the night. “Fuck,” she muttered to herself and knocked on the door.

When Clarke opened the door, her blue eyes widened with shock and burned with something that Lexa couldn’t quite find a word to describe, but it made her shudder nonetheless. 

“Just,” Lexa said quickly, raising a hand before Clarke could speak, but then she paused. Oh God, this was a stupid idea. “I have an idea.”  
Clarke eyes narrowed as she crossed her arms. “An idea?”  
“Listen Clarke, I want to talk to you, really – I do, but, I…” Lexa found herself starting to stutter a bit, “it’s just, hard for me to get it out – to get though such a conversation and I know that you don’t owe me anything, but it’s…I think…” she paused and took a calming breath.  
Clarke’s eyes flickered with both confusion and curiosity. “What’s the idea?”  
“A controlled environment,” Lexa answered with a short nod as she held out a box to her.  
Clarke reached out and took it, looking down before immediately looking back up, now definitely confused. “Chess?”  
“It will help to keep things paced.” Lexa tried to explain her method. Such a stupid idea. “A question for a capture. Depending on how the game goes and if it actually works, you could have up to sixteen questions.”  
Clarke’s eyebrow popped up as she noticeably bit the inside of her lip. “Seriously?”  
Lexa felt her chest tighten slightly, but she only nodded in reply.  
Clarke leaned against the doorway. She seemed to be considering the offer, but her eyes were completely unreadable. “We’re going to need food,” she finally said.  
Lexa’s left hand went up automatically, displaying a large white bag.  
Clarke’s head tipped slightly as she eyed the bag.  
“Chinese,” Lexa answered her unspoken question.  
Clarke gave, what appeared to be, an impressed nod. “Let’s play.”


	15. Chapter 15

Clarke turned and walked into her apartment, feeling Lexa follow behind her. As she set the chess game on the table, she turned to find Lexa still lingering by the door and looking exceptionally apprehensive.

“Well, come on,” Clarke motioned to the table.  
Lexa nodded and walked forward until she too reached the table and set down the bag.  
“I’ll be right back,” Clarke told her with a nod. “Set up the game?”  
“Okay,” Lexa replied quietly as she picked up the box.

Clarke turned and walked into the kitchen where she began to retrieve plates, silverware and drinks. This was just weird, totally weird – beyond weird. In fact, she couldn’t believe that she was actually doing this. What was she even thinking? Her first instinct when she opened the door to see Lexa had been to instantly slam it shut, but then, something inside of her that told her to just go through with it, so, for some insane, unknown reason, she did. After all, she definitely had questions and maybe this bizarre idea was a way that she could actually get some real answers.

By the time Clarke returned to the table Lexa had finished setting up the game and had also taken all of the food that she’d brought out of the bag and set it out. Clarke took a deep breath and stepped forward, setting a plate, silverware and beer on Lexa’s side of the table and then the same on her own as well. “What?” She asked, taking in Lexa’s curious look. “I’m not eating alone.”  
Lexa gave her a nod as she reached forward and began to open the containers of food. “Thank you,” she said softly, “for agreeing to do this.”  
Clarke took a deep breath, but didn’t respond. Instead she carefully filled her plate, sat down and opened her beer. She was ready to play and something told her that this was going to be the longest game of her life.

A little while later Clarke set her plate aside and sighed as she studied the board. Both of them had clearly brought their skill to the table, as neither had managed to capture a single piece yet. Of course it wasn’t going to be easy, Clarke would have never expected it to be, but she had been watching, waiting – she was focused and ready, and finally…

“I’ll take that,” Clarke said with a slight smirk as she captured Lexa’s first piece.  
Lexa’s shoulders squared slightly as she swallowed hard and waited.  
“What really happened in that hotel room?” Clarke asked, surprising even herself.  
Instantly Lexa’s shoulders dropped. “Clarke…”  
“You said...” Clarke pointed at her quickly.  
“I know,” Lexa put her hands up. “I know and I meant it. Just, I’ll tell you what, I’ll give you that one for free – win or lose, but after the game is over.”  
Clarke shook her head stubbornly. Nope. Not doing it. A question for a capture. That was the agreement.  
“Please,” Lexa asked softly, “it’s…it’s important. Just, trust me.”  
“That’s asking an awful lot.” Clarke replied and bit her lip as she stared at Lexa. Ugh. This woman. “Why didn’t you tell me about the job?”  
“I was going to,” Lexa nodded. “I told you that. I was going to tell you that night at Raven’s.”  
“I mean before that,” Clarke clarified quickly. “Like, when you took it.”  
Lexa nodded and took a deep breath. “I think that I was trying to figure out how. I mean, I knew that you would be upset at the thought of me going, but, at the same time, I really thought that you understood how important my career was to me...”  
“Oh believe me, I figured it out fast.” Clarke nodded before taking a sip of her beer. Fuck – just stop it.  
“And, I really thought that our friendship could survive the distance,” Lexa added in a solemn tone as she finally reached forward and opened her own beer.  
Clarke stared at her for another few second. Okay. That second part felt genuine. “Your turn,” she finally motioned back at the board.

Lexa took a deep breath and redirected her glance to the board, a few seconds later making her move. Clarke countered it, thinking that in one more move she would capture another piece, but Lexa beat her to it on her next move. Clarke looked at her, waiting for a question – hey, fair is fair – but Lexa only shook her head and motioned back to the board. Clarke made her move, taking the piece that she had planned and again, Lexa squared her shoulders and waited.

“If you thought that our friendship was so strong,” Clarke shifted uneasily in her seat, “then why did you stop calling?”  
Lexa’s brow furrowed slightly. “You told me to,” she answered plainly.  
“What? When I answered the phone and told you to leave me alone?” Clarke shook her head. “Oh, come on, Lexa. You knew that I was just...”  
“No,” Lexa cut her off. “When you called me.”  
Clarke stared at her, her eyes narrowing. “I never called you,” she retorted.  
Instantly Lexa’s eyebrows shot up. “Wow,” she shook her head slightly. “You know, I could always tell that you were drunk when you called, but I never realized that you were blackout drunk.”  
“What are you talking about?” Clarke fired back at her quickly.  
“That,” the tiniest of grins seemed to tug at the corner or Lexa’s mouth, “is another question.”  
Clarke’s eyes went wide with annoyance. This motherf… Okay, just stop right there. “Go,” Clarke nodded as she pointed at the board.

As much as she hated to admit it. Lexa was right. She had asked why she stopped calling and Lexa had answered her. The subject of her calling Lexa – what the what – was another topic completely. As Clarke sat there watching Lexa contemplate her next move, she began to rack her brain. She called Lexa? When the hell did that happen? And, how did she not realize it? Well, okay, she was kind of famous for barely ever looking at her recent calls list on her phone – yep, totally true. Fucking crap.

Lexa made her move and got to her feet. “No cheating,” she said as she pulled out her pack of cigarettes and walked towards the door. “I’ll be right back.”

Clarke watched as Lexa stepped outside and then redirected her attention back to the board and studied it for a few minutes before deciding what her next move would be and then turning her attention to the still open food containers scattered across the table. 

Just as she closed the last container, Lexa came back through the door, but as she approached the table, Clarke took a step back. “Whoa,” she said, putting her hand up. “Do you think that you could like, maybe take off your jacket and hang it over there?”  
Lexa gave her a curious, but confused look.  
“You stink.” Clarke explained frankly. “Maybe losing the jacket will, I don’t know, make it less, potent.”  
Lexa took a deep breath and gave her a tight nod before slipping out of her blazer and walking over to hang it near the door.

As they sat down to continue their game, Clarke noted that losing the jacket did actually help, but not much. Ugh. For the life of her, she just could not understand how Lexa could pick up such a habit. It just didn’t make any sense. Shaking the thoughts from her mind, Clarke reached forward and made her move, setting up her next capture. To her delight, Lexa’s move lined her up perfectly and as she scooped up the piece she pointed it at Lexa. “Explain,” she told her pointedly.

Lexa took a deep breath. “I tried to talk to you,” she began, “you know that I did, but damn it, if you didn’t make it impossible.”  
Clarke shrugged simply, no point in arguing against the truth.  
“After a while, I figured out that you had probably blocked me,” Lexa continued with a slight nod. “so, I eased back. Then one night I was woken up by my phone ringing and to my surprise, it was you. Once I answered it though, the surprise pretty much turned into horror.”  
Clarke felt her brow furrow as she waited for Lexa to elaborate. There was no way this happened.  
“You were crying and yelling and,” Lexa winced a little. “It doesn’t matter – let’s just say that they weren’t exactly friendly calls…”  
“Calls?” Clarke’s eyes widened in utter shock. “Plural?”  
Lexa nodded in confirmation. “Anyway, at the end you always said that you never wanted to hear from me again – not ever and that you meant it,” she shook her head, "to never call you again. So, I didn’t.”  
Clarke sat stunned. There was no way. “How many calls?” She questioned firmly.  
Lexa glanced at her, almost smirking again.  
“Come on, Lexa.” Clarke snapped slightly in frustration. “It’s the same damn topic. How many?”  
Lexa sighed and started to rub at the area just under her clavicle. “I don’t know,” she finally answered, “it went on for a while.”

Clarke felt her face burning slightly. What the fuck? They needed to get back to the game. She didn’t want to think about this anymore. She pointed at the board. 

Two moves later, Lexa captured another one of her pieces and immediately looked up. “Why does it matter?” She asked, taking Clarke off guard. “Why I stopped calling.”  
Clarke’s brow furrowed as her heart sank a little. “Because, you were my best friend,” she answered quietly before returning her attention to the board.  
“But, you didn’t want to talk to me,” Lexa reminded her pointedly.  
Clarke looked up, instantly feeling a sadness spread through her. “It wasn’t that I didn’t want to,” she bit back lightly, “it was that I couldn’t. I literally just couldn’t. It hurt too much and then…”  
“Then what?” Lexa questioned her curiously.  
“Then when I thought that I might be ready to talk to you,” Clarke shrugged weakly, “there were no more calls to ignore, which, was apparently my own fault,” she finished and moved her piece, effectively capturing another one of Lexa’s. “What did I sa…”  
“Clarke,” Lexa cut her off quickly and shook her head, “don’t waste your question. It’s not worth it.”

Clarke stared at her. It was her question. She really wanted to know what she had said, but maybe Lexa was right. Maybe it wasn’t worth it, at least, not right now. “You said that hurting me was the only way to stop me. Stop me from what? Being stubborn?”  
Instantly Lexa’s face dropped. “I know how stubborn you are, like, really, how stubborn you are,” she nodded as she stared down at her hands. “I don’t know how or when, but somehow, I convinced myself that the only way to make you stay here, was to hurt you.”  
Clarke stared at her, feeling her jaw start to clench.  
“You and I, we had always both worked so hard.” Lexa continued. “You had the gallery and your contract. Your parents – O and Raven. I just...” she shook her head. “Your whole life was here.”  
Clarke swallowed hard and shook her head. “God, you really are an asshole,” she rolled her eyes as she scooped up their empty beer bottles and left the room.

As she walked into the kitchen, Clarke placed the two empty bottle in the sink and took a deep breath. Okay. For as smart as Lexa was, man, was she really stupid. What kind of fricken logic was that anyway? Who does that? Who the hell was Lexa to try decide that she should stay here? If she wanted to go to San Francisco or anywhere else, for that matter, it was her choice to make – not Lexa’s and to resort to actually hurting her to stop her, that was just plain malicious. 

She stood there for another moment, trying to cool her head and sort through her thoughts. So in a nutshell, what Lexa was basically saying that she hurt her because she thought that it was for her own benefit? No. There has to be more to that one. Clarke shook her head as she pulled two fresh beers out of the fridge and walked back toward the table. To her surprise though, Lexa was walking toward the door.

“Whoa,” Clarke said, rather loudly. “Where do you think you’re going?”  
“I thought...” Lexa pointed toward the door, looking quite defeated.  
“Uh-uh,” Clarke shook her head quickly and then jerked it in the direction of the table. “Nope. Bring your skinny ass back in here. We’re not done yet.”


	16. Chapter 16

Lexa stared at Clarke and the expectant look in her eyes. Though there wasn’t any harshness in her voice, her tone was dominant and absolute. Holy shit. The game’s not over? She still wanted to play? Swallowing hard Lexa gave her a nod and walked back to the table. As she neared, Clarke held out another beer to her and she accepted it, opening it quickly and dropping back into her seat.

“You’re up,” Clarke told her as, she too, sat back down.  
Lexa took a calming breath and redirected her eyes to the board. She had been so sure when Clarke called her and asshole and left the room that the game was over, but now here she was, still playing and not quite sure yet if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

When Lexa had knocked on the door, suggesting such a weird idea, she knew that it was a long shot. In fact, she had been pretty convinced that Clarke was simply going to tell her to fuck off, so the fact that she had actually agreed, had initially left her momentarily stunned. At first, it was pretty tense. They ate and played in silence, at least, until Clarke captured her first piece and then immediately asked what had really happened at the hotel. Fuck. Of all the questions that she could have asked. It had honestly been a relief when she agreed to wait until the end for the answer to that one and instead, asked a different question. 

So far, the questions hadn’t been too awful and the pace that the chess game afforded them had definitely helped to keep the atmosphere mostly calm and the pressure in her chest at a somewhat tolerable level. It wasn’t perfect, not even close – actually, it was just downright crazy, but it seemed to be working and at the moment, that was all that mattered. Finally, reaching forward, Lexa made her move and looked at Clarke. 

Clarke didn’t remember the calls. She had no idea. No clue of the things that she had said or how hurtful she had been. Lexa felt her heart slip a little at this. She had never, not once, faulted Clarke for those calls, if anything, the only thing that she did fault her for, was stopping. She had hurt her, she knew that much and she had willingly accepted Clarke’s pain as it spilled out and washed over her, but the fact that she didn’t remember it, well, again, Lexa couldn’t decide if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

Clarke made her move and Lexa immediately leaned forward and countered it, capturing one of her pieces. “So,” she began and paused for a second. “I’m an asshole, because I didn’t want you to walk away from everything that you worked for – your entire life?”  
“No,” Clarke shook her head quickly. “You’re an asshole because – one, you had no right to decided what I should do with my own life and two, you so consciously ignored that fact and then chose such a malicious way to ensure that your decision would be final. You chose to hurt me. You didn’t have to do it, you chose to do it and that, is what makes you an asshole.”   
Lexa swallowed hard, her eyes drifting to the floor and her chest tightening slightly. 

It wasn’t necessarily that she didn’t know this, hell, she had already thought the same things, but hearing those same words fall from someone else’s lips, specifically Clarke’s, well that definitely hit harder – a lot harder. When Lexa looked back up though, thinking that she might respond, Clarke’s eyes were already back on the board.

The next few turns went without comment as the both of them just studied the board and sipped on their beers. It wasn’t exactly an uncomfortable silence, granted, it was a far cry from the way that things used to be, but that was okay. 

Not a moment later, Clarke made a move and scooped up yet another one of her pieces. “You said that you bit off more than you could chew,” she stated, obviously wanting to change the subject. “What the hell were you talking about?”  
Lexa leaned back in her seat and took a quick sip off of her beer. This was going to be a long one. “I was talking about my job,” she finally answered, “or rather, my previous job.”  
Clarke didn’t say anything or even react.  
“Initially, it sounded great, I mean, Assistant Editor? Of course, I jumped on it,” Lexa nodded as she crossed her arms. “Now, had I been a little smarter, perhaps slowed down a bit and asked some questions, well, then I would have seen that it wasn’t really so great and not at all what I wanted to be doing.”  
Clarke brow furrowed as she waited for more.  
“I don’t know if you remember the call that I got from Nia,” Lexa continued, feeling a bit of heat starting to spread through her chest, “but, she had been sending my work around to some colleagues of hers and talking me up to them and just trying to help me like, get my foot in the door somewhere.”  
“Okay.” Clarke nodded, seeming to follow along.  
“Anyway, as you know, I was offered a position as an Assistant Editor and that I took it.” Lexa shifted in her seat, suddenly feeling as though the walls had closed in a bit. “But, as it turned out, that title was really more to show authority than anything else. Nia had talked up my strict work ethics so well that what they really wanted was for me to get all of their other offices up to par,” she paused and shook her head. ”See, while on the outside they were viewed as a wildly popular publication, on the inside, they were a fucking hot mess. I signed on to be an Assistant Editor, but what I really was, eh, it was almost like a Director of Operations that they could shuffle around wherever they needed.”  
Clarke leaned back in her seat. She seemed to just be taking it all in.

Okay, so that didn’t go so bad. It wasn’t as hard as she thought that it would be but, God, did she hope that it made sense.

It was easy to tell that there was another question on the tip of Clarke’s tongue. Lexa took a deep breath as she glanced at the board and making a quick decision, sacrificed a knight. Looking up she saw the glint in Clarke’s eye and knew full well that she was aware of what had just happened. 

Clarke accepted it and made her move, claiming the knight and setting it with the rest. “If it wasn’t what you wanted to be doing,” she picked up her beer, “why didn’t you just walk away?”  
Lexa popped her eyebrows slightly. “Well, like I said, popular publication,” she shrugged stiffly.” You don’t accept a job with one of them, only to turn around and back out of it a few days later. Names spread fast in these circles. You’re either consistent or you’re not. And then, there was Nia too.”  
“Nia?” Clarke fast twisted in confusion. “What did Nia have to do with it?”  
“Same thing.” Lexa replied simply. “She had put her name – her reputation, out there for me. I back out, she looks like a fool. No way.”   
Clarke drew in a long breath as her eyes narrowed, clearly digesting the answer before she shook her head lightly and looked back down at the game.

Okay, again, that didn’t go so bad. The board was still on the table, the pieces were still on it and the room was still relatively calm.

On one level, it was great to be sitting here playing chess with Clarke, on another, it was really unnerving not knowing what was going to happen next and knowing that, with them, it could be anything. Lexa stared at the board. There was a piece just begging to be captured and though Lexa had a question to go with it, she found herself beyond scared to bring it up. It took a few minutes of internal struggle before she finally found the nerve to make her move and take the piece.

Clarke let out the breath that she’d been holding. “I knew that you do that.”  
“You kind of set yourself up,” Lexa pointed out.  
“Maybe I did,” Clarke acknowledged. “So, shoot.”  
Lexa took a small breath to steady herself and bit her bottom lip. “How could you think…” her voice caught in her throat.  
Clarke waited, not pushing at all.  
“How could you think that I was running away from you?” Lexa finally asked.   
Clarke stared at her for a minute before shaking her head. “What was I supposed to think, Lexa?” She sighed looking slightly defeated. “I knew you. I knew that relationships weren’t exactly your thing, but I wanted to be with you, so I told you how I really felt and then you just bolted.”  
“That’s not…” Lexa started.  
“From my perspective,” Clarke corrected her wording, “you bolted.”  
Lexa dropped her shoulders a little and gave a small nod. It actually made total sense. Fuck. This was such a mess. “I’d never run from you,” the words fell from her lips before she could stop them.  
Clarke’s eyes snapped up, blazing suddenly and she seemed to choke back a retort, before shaking her head and returning her attention back to the game.

Lexa sat feeling slightly stunned, she had felt that look shoot through her like a bullet and it hurt as though it had been real. She didn’t mean to say that. She didn’t and she shouldn’t have. It just slipped out, but that didn’t make it any less true. She hadn’t been running from Clarke. She would never, run from Clarke.

Clarke made her move and captured yet another one of her pieces. Fucking shit. Pay attention! Lexa raised her eyes to meet Clarke’s and waited.

“Why were you so hell-bent on me staying here?” Clarke asked as set the captured piece aside.   
“You would have been alone in San Francisco,” Lexa replied carefully, “and I didn’t want that.”   
“I wouldn’t have been alone,” Clarke bit back lightly. “I would have been with you.”  
“No,” Lexa shook her head, trying to ignore the tension building inside of her. “I wasn’t there, Clarke. You would have been alone.”  
Clarke’s eyes instantly sharpened as her lips parted slightly. “What does that mean? Where the hell were you, if not in San Francisco?”  
“Wherever my boss needed me to be,” Lexa answered firmly. Okay, so technically that was a second question, but she didn’t catch it in time. Again, pay attention!

The realization that she had not actually been in San Francisco all this time seemed to baffle Clarke slightly and it took a moment or two before she finally shook her head and started looking at the game again. Lexa let out a small sigh as she glanced at the board and move a piece.

Shit. Here we go. Screwing it up all over again. A sudden pang fired off in her chest and she gripped the seat, willing herself to calm down. She didn’t want to lose control. Not now. She couldn’t lose it now. She needed to get through this.

“Checkmate,” Clarke suddenly smirked as she moved her piece into place.  
Lexa’s eyes went to the board as her jaw dropped open. No fucking way.   
An almost silent giggle came from Clarke as she got to her feet.  
Lexa let out a heavy sigh and nodded to herself, accepting defeat. Game over. 

Damn it. Should have paid better attention. Lexa stood up and walked over to where her jacket was hanging.

“So,” Clarke said smoothly as she again picked up their empty beer bottles. “Same time next week?”  
Lexa spun on the spot and stared at her. What the fuck? The ability to speak seemed to abandon her, so instead she replied with a short nod before turning to the door.  
“Uh, I believe that you still owe me one more answer,” Clarke reminded her quickly. “What really happened in that hotel room?”  
Lexa paused and turned back to look at her. Shit. Forgot about that. 

Hmm.

“I blacked out.” Lexa answered simply and as she watched Clarke wait for her to elaborate, the corner of her mouth twitched.  
Clarke’s eyes instantly widened with the realization. “Oh, you little sh…”  
“I'll see you next week, Clarke.” Lexa grinned at her ever so slightly and walked out.


	17. Chapter 17

Clarke woke up with only one thing on her mind. Lexa. Spending the evening playing chess with her and going question for question had been strange, but also productive. Strangely productive. That's what it was. She had learned things. Things that she hadn't expected, but still, she was sure that there was more to know.

Lexa was different, but yet familiar at the same time. Clarke rolled over and tucked her hand under her pillow, sighing slightly. She had applied not only her chess skills to their game, but also her card playing skills, watching how Lexa reacted to both the questions and the answers, and her tells, at times, we're off the charts. She was really uncomfortable. It was obvious in the twitch in her hands, the way that she would rub at her chest or grip her chair. It was almost like she was struggling, but still, what she was struggling with remained unknown.

Clarke kicked off her blankets and sat up, slipping into a pair of sweats and tying up her hair. She needed to get up and move. Laying there thinking was just going to make her even more crazy. Entering the hallway, her nose filled with the scent of coffee. Coffee was a good idea. She needed coffee.

“Hey” Clarke mumbled at the sight of Raven when she emerged from the hallway and made her way into the kitchen.   
“Hey,” Raven greeted her. “What's with the chess board?”   
Clarke pulled a mug out of the cabinet and prepared herself some coffee. “Lexa and I played a game last night,” she answered, only after taking her first sip.  
“I'm sorry,” Raven blinked at her, looking suddenly stumped. “I thought that I heard you say that you played chess with Lexa last night.”  
“Mhm,” Clarke hummed as she slipped into a chair, tucking a foot under her thigh.  
Raven stared at her, still wearing a look of confusion. “Wow. I knew that she wanted to talk to you,” she said after a moment, “but I didn't expect you would actually hang out with her.”  
“I wasn't hanging out with her,” Clarke shook her head, “and what do you mean, you knew that she wanted to talk to me?”  
“She sent me a text last night,” Raven explained. “She wanted to know if I was home, because she wanted to talk to you.”  
Clarke rolled her eyes. “You didn't think to warn me?”  
“Woulda, coulda, shoulda,” Raven shrugged simply. “So, chess?”

Clarke took a deep breath and explained the game and how they had used it as a way to attempt a calm conversation. 

“That's the weirdest thing that I’ve ever heard.” Raven shook her head.  
“Me too,” Clarke admitted honestly, “but, I mean, it seemed to work. She was here for a while.”  
“Yeah?” Raven dropped down into one of the chairs with a thump. “Learn anything interesting?”  
Clarke nodded slowly and then had a thought. Jumping to her feet, she quickly crossed the room and picked up her phone.

Clarke: Did you know that I had called Lexa???

Clarke turned to Raven. “Did you know that I had called her?” She asked firmly.  
“Called who? Lexa?” Raven’s brow knitted up in confusion. “When?”  
“Okay, so that's a no.” Clarke slipped back into her seat.

O: Clarke.  
Clarke: Fucking shit! You did!  
O: Yes. I knew.  
Clarke: What the fuck, O?!  
O: Where are you?  
Clarke: Home.   
Clarke: Fuck off.  
O: I’m coming over.

Clarke dropped her phone down beside her. “Fucking bitch,” she huffed, shaking her head.  
“Lexa?” Raven questioned her curiously.  
“Octavia.” Clarke answered grumpily.  
Raven’s eyes went wide. “Wait, what?”  
Clarke took a deep breath. “Apparently, I used to call Lexa,” she told her, “like, in the middle of the night.”  
“For what?” Raven shrugged. “I thought that you didn't want to talk to her?”  
“I didn’t! I don't know why I called her.” Clarke snapped slightly. “I didn't even remember that I did! Lexa said that I was drunk, but I must have been super fucking drunk and Octavia – she apparently knew that I did it.”  
Raven’s eyebrows went up in clear surprise and let out a low whistle. 

This was fucking bullshit. It was bullshit because not only could she not remember doing it, but because Octavia never thought to tell her about it. What the actual fuck? How could she not tell her that she was making a complete ass of herself and saying God knows what? Why the hell hadn’t she stopped her?

Not long after, just as Clarke was making another cup of coffee, Octavia came through the door.

“What the fucking fuck, Octavia?” Clarke snapped immediately.  
“Whoa, blonde?” Octavia froze on the spot.  
“Octavia!” Clarke exclaimed loudly.  
“Right. Sorry.” Octavia snapped back into reality.  
“How could you not tell me?” Clarke growled at her.  
“Okay, look, initially, how was I supposed to know that you didn't realize what you were doing?” Octavia defended herself quickly.  
Clarke glared at her lightly. Okay. Fair enough. “How about after you realized that?” She asked.  
Octavia took a deep breath. “Look, you were in a dark place, Clarke,” she explained firmly. “I just assumed that your silence meant that you didn’t want to talk about it and by the time that I realized that you actually didn’t remember, you were starting to seem better and I just didn’t want to drag you back down into that.”  
Clarke glared at her, but silently tried to calm herself. Okay. That was true. She had been in a dark place, a really dark place and in all honesty, that was a place that she didn’t want to go back to. “Do you know what I said to her?” She questioned as evenly as she could.  
“No and I only know that it happened because I was here after the first one.” Octavia explained quickly. “You stumbled in here completely trashed out of your mind and hysterical, and you told me that you had called her. After that, I could always tell when you did it again because those were your worst nights and you always ended up in the same state. Trashed, on every level.”

Clarke swallowed hard and took in the information. This was beyond frustrating and completely embarrassing. How could she have let herself get so worked up and wasted that she actually called Lexa and what the hell had she said to her? Fuck.

“You really don’t remember anything?” Raven questioned curiously.  
Clarke shook her head and let out a huff. “I’m totally blank.”  
“Wait a second, then how do you even know about it?” Octavia asked in confusion.  
Clarke took a deep breath and dropped into a chair. 

By the time she finished explaining her night and the chess game to Octavia, Raven had already set up another pot of coffee to brew and the three of them had comfortably settled themselves in the living room.

“That’s pretty brilliant, if you ask me.” Octavia nodded in approval.  
“Brilliant?” Raven raised an eyebrow at her. “I thought it was totally weird.”  
“Well yeah, it is, but you’ve been around Lexa,” Octavia shrugged. “She’s totally weird.”  
“True. She definitely different and seems to struggle more socially.” Raven agreed. “But still, why not just sit down and talk about it. Why the game?”  
“It sets a pace.” Clarke explained, thinking back. “A controlled environment, as Lexa called it. It’s a way for each of us to ask questions and get answers without things getting too emotional, too fast.”  
“Well, that makes sense,” Raven nodded with a chuckle. “Considering that with you two, everything is all emotion, all the time.”  
Clarke rolled her eyes at Raven’s words and let out a slight sigh. Totally not true.  
“So, you two played the game and?” Octavia looked at her. “Did it end in bloodshed?”  
“No,” Clarke shook her head. “I mean, she almost left at one point, but I made her come back.”  
“Why’d she almost leave?” Raven asked curiously.  
“Probably because I called her an asshole,” Clarke shrugged, “and then I went to grab a couple of more beers and I think that she thought that I was done with it all.”  
“Understandable,” Raven nodded.  
“So, what was the end result then?” Octavia leaned forward. “Are you two friends again?”  
“Uh, no.” Clarke answered quickly. “Not even close.”  
“But, you’re working through things?” Raven shifted on the couch and adjusted her leg.

Was that what this was? Some weird way to work through their issues and be friends again? A way to get the real answers to both asked and unasked questions and then decide where, if anywhere, to go from here? Was that even possible?

“Honestly,” Clarke shrugged lightly. “I don’t know what this is or what I hope to gain from it. The only thing that I know for sure, is that it seemed to work and we’re going to do it again next week.”  
“Really?” Octavia’s eyebrows went up in surprise.  
“Well, yeah.” Clarke nodded and shrugged again. “Apparently, there’s a lot to know and there are only so many moves in a game of chess,” she explained. “Plus, it seems like the more you learn, the more questions you find yourself having.”  
“Well, how do you feel about what you’ve learned so far?” Raven asked.  
Clarke pulled her knees up to her chest. “I feel,” she paused and thought for a moment, “almost dizzy, I guess? It’s been a lot to digest, but, I’m…”  
“You’re what?” Octavia’s eyes narrowed slightly.  
“I’m trying.” Clarke finished and shook her head weakly. “I don’t even know why.”  
“Because you care about…” Raven started, but was quickly silenced by a death glare.  
“She’s right, you know?” Octavia gave her a pointed look. “Look, I know that you don’t want to admit it, not to us and probably not even to yourself, but you do still care.”  
Clarke swallowed hard. Nope. Not happening. “Don’t try to make this into something that it’s not,” she told her quickly.  
Octavia grinned at her. “No honey, that’s what you’re doing,” she told her. “Don’t decide from the door what this is. Just take it as it comes – one day at a time.”  
“One game at a time,” Raven quipped with a small chuckle.  
Clarke pulled the blanket off of the back of her chair and wrapped herself up in it. She knew that they were right, but it was hard. Being around Lexa was far from the easiest thing to do, but she had meant what she's said – she was trying and really, that was all that she could do at this point. “One game at a time,” she agreed quietly.  
“Good girl,” Octavia nodded. “Now spill. What have you learned so far?”  
Raven perked up at this question and gave her an equally expectant look.  
Clarke rolled her eyes and whined lightly as her head dropped on to the back of her seat.

Here we go.


	18. Chapter 18

Lexa was sitting at the desk in her hotel room, combing through paperwork, but not really focused on any of it. Instead all that she could really think about was Clarke. Her idea for the chess game had worked, well, mostly worked, until the game came to an abrupt end when Clarke beat her. How the hell did she beat her? That, she would have to correct in the follow-up game. The follow-up game. Holy shit, there was going to be a follow-up game and Clarke was the one who suggested it. How did that even happen?

“Damn,” Lexa sighed to herself as she leaned back in her chair and lit a cigarette.

Though their game had been filled with obvious tension, it was still just so good to be around Clarke again and not feel like they were at each other’s throats. Never had Lexa thought that she would ever feel so guarded around Clarke, but since her return, that was all that she felt and she didn’t know why. Being around Clarke had been way harder than she had anticipated and there was something in Clarke’s eyes that just shook her to her core. A slight tightness began to build in her chest and Lexa redirected her eyes to the pill bottle sitting on the edge of the desk. “I hate you,” she muttered at it, before spinning her chair to look in the opposite direction.

She had known when she came back that the chances of her and Clarke actually being friendly with one another was slim to none and that it was completely her fault, but secretly, she had really hoped that they would be able to find a way to move passed it. They had always been able to find a way to work through their issues – always. This could work. It had worked. It had worked exactly how she had hoped, it had set a pace and she had been able to answer some of Clarke’s questions. Whether or not Clarke liked the answers still remained to be unseen, but at least now she had them – some of them.

A light buzzing noise suddenly filled the room and glancing over, Lexa saw her phone lighting up on the bed.

***New Event Created***

BabyBlake: Here’s you’re early warning! Who’s in next weekend?  
Reyes: Eh, I’ll think about it.  
BabyBlake: Pfft. Bullshit. You’re in.  
Reyes: Yeah, I am.  
JasperJ: Me too.  
Linc: I suppose I’ll be there.  
BabyBlake: Well, I’d hope so, considering you live here.

Lexa stared at her phone. Seriously? Already? Damn it! This was totally going to screw up her next game with Clarke!

BigBlake: Not me. Sorry, O.  
BabyBlake: Not cool.  
BigBlake: I’ll make it up to you!  
MontyG: I’ll be there.  
Reyes: Lincoln, who’s cooking? You?  
BabyBlake: That would be me.  
Linc: She called dibs again.  
Reyes: Ah, shit!  
BabyBlake: Excuse me?  
Reyes: Kidding, kidding!  
MontyG: RoP?  
BabyBlake: Got it covered.  
JasperJ: Aren’t we missing a few people here??  
Reyes: ANYA!  
Reyes: CLARKE!  
Reyes: LEXA!  
A: Stop being so obnoxious, Raven.  
Reyes: But, I’m so good at it?  
BabyBlake: Totally true.  
Princess: I’ll be late. I have plans.

Lexa stared at the screen, feeling slightly saddened and confused. Had Clarke really made plans to go out on the night that they were supposed to play again? Why would she do that? They were finally starting to get somewhere, finally starting to make progress and move forward. 

Lexa dropped her head down into her hands, feeling completely deflated by the realization. Fuck. She had let herself get too caught up in thinking about the game and thinking that it was actually working. Too caught up in considering that maybe now their current status might be less than enemies. How could she have let herself think for a second that Clarke was on the same page as her? It was stupid. She was stupid. Of course they weren’t on the same page. They hadn’t been on the same page in years! Lexa felt her phone buzz in her hand again and reluctantly flipped it over.

Princess: Lexa will be late too.  
Reyes: Ah shit – that’s right. Game night.  
Princess: Yep.  
JasperJ: ?  
A: I’m sorry. What’s this now?  
MontyG: ??  
Princess: Long story. Ask your sister.  
BabyBlake: Or your girlfriend.  
Reyes: Fucking crap.  
Reyes: Seriously, O?  
BabyBlake: What?  
Linc: Shit, even I know what they’re talking about.  
Princess: You know, I feel like I should be upset here and yet somehow…  
BigBlake: I’m totally confused?  
A: You and me both, Bell. Lucky for me, I just pulled into the parking lot of Lexa’s hotel.

Lexa’s eyes went wide at the message. Shit. It hadn’t really been a secret. She just hadn't really thought to tell anyone about it. Clarke on the other hand, apparently had.

Commander: Lexa’s not in right now.  
A: Uh huh.  
Reyes: Oh, Lexa’s in alright. IN trouble.  
BabyBlake: Dork.  
Princess: Ha. I thought it was funny.

“Damn it,” Lexa jumped to her feet and quickly grabbed a pair of pants. As she struggled to get them on, she lost her balance and stumbled sideways onto the bed, where she promptly bounced and then landed on to the floor with a heavy thud.

“I hear you in there, squirt.” Anya’s voice came through the door, followed by several knocks. “Open it.”  
Lexa sighed and climbed onto the edge of the bed. She slipped into her pants and walked toward the door, taking a deep breath along the way. “Hello Anya,” she said as she pulled open the door and walked away.  
“How do I not know about this?” Anya asked as she entered the room.  
“It’s still new,” Lexa answered as she pulled a cigarette out of her pack.  
Anya’s face twisted up instantly. “Please, don’t.”  
Lexa shoved the cigarette back into her pack and dropped down into the chair. “Fine,” she grumbled.  
“So?” Anya pushed as she sat down on the edge of the bed. “How did this happen?”  
Lexa stared at her and bit the inside of her lip. Shit. “It’s complicated,” she answered.  
“Un-complicate it.” Anya shrugged.  
Lexa took a deep breath. “Abby said that she thought that what I needed to be able to talk to Clarke was basically a controlled environment, so I came up with this idea of using a game of chess to create that. For every capture that Clarke made, she got to ask me a question, and vice versa.”  
“Okay,” Anya nodded and then quickly shook her head. “Wait, what?”  
“I told you, it’s complicated.” Lexa repeated.  
“And I told you to un-complicated.” Anya pointed at her. “Stop giving me half answers and just tell me what’s really going on.”  
Lexa swallowed hard, feeling her chest instantly tighten. Glancing at her desk, she saw her pill bottle and scooped it up, tossing it at Anya, who caught it and then stared at her. “Remember those chest pains?” She asked.  
Anya nodded.  
“Well, they didn’t go away,” Lexa sighed. “In fact, they just kept getting worse. It’s nothing serious – I promise.”  
Anya didn’t say anything.  
“It’s just…I can’t deal with things, like, stress and emotional things – not the way that I used to or the way that everyone else does.” Lexa tried to explain as she stared at the carpet. “Everything gets all messed up and my body just, freaks out and goes all haywire on me.”  
Anya stared at her with an increasingly saddened look.  
“Please,” Lexa said softly, feeling the weight of Anya’s eyes. “Don’t look at me like I’m broken,”  
“I would never think of you as broken,” Anya told her warmly and then instantly seemed to snap back into her normal disposition. “Okay, so, you’ve spoken to Abby about this?”  
“I didn’t really have much of a choice.” Lexa shrugged stiffly and motioned toward the door. “Clarke called her here and then she saw the medication – which I try not to take, by the way.”  
“But, she says that you’re okay?” Anya asked after a moment.  
Lexa nodded.  
“Alright. That's good enough for me - for now, because that’s what I care about.” Anya leaned back on her hands and crossed her legs. “So, Abby recommended a controlled environment and you two gave it a shot. How did it go?”  
“Good. I think?” Lexa looked at her. “We got all of the way through the game and then she asked if I was coming back next week.”  
“Well, that's something.” Anya shrugged.

Suddenly both of their phone began to buzz.

Reyes: Think that she killed her?  
BabyBlake: I think that she’s going to kill you.  
Reyes: Yeah, because of you!  
BabyBlake: Details.  
Linc: Relax, she’s not going to kill you.  
JasperJ: She likes you too much to kill you.

Lexa rolled her eyes lightly and glanced back at her sister. “Don’t be too hard on Raven,” she told her.  
“Oh, she’s totally dead.” Anya shook her head.

Commander: Raven’s right, she’s dead. I however, get to live.  
Reyes: Ugh.  
BabyBlake: Sorry!  
Princess: The jury is still out on that one, Lexa.  
Reyes: Ha!

Lexa stared at the screen and bit her lip as she debated replying.  
“Careful, squirt.” Anya warned her.

Commander: Well, hopefully there will be a lengthy deliberation.  
Reyes: Again, I can’t decide if you’re brave or stupid.  
Commander: Already covered this.  
BabyBlake: What was the answer?  
JasperJ: Inquiring minds want to know!  
Commander: Always stupid.  
Princess: Stupid.

Lexa grinned down at the phone as both her and Clarke’s messages came through at the same time. Great minds.

“I’d call that progress.” Anya told her as she got to her feet.  
“You think so?” Lexa asked curiously.  
“I do.” Anya nodded.  
Lexa checked the time on her phone and got to her feet. “I’m supposed to go look at an apartment,” she said as she slipped into a shirt. Do you want to come with me?”  
“Can’t,” Anya answered quickly. “I have to go kill my girlfriend.”  
“Have fun with that.” Lexa nodded. “I’ll text you after.”  
“Okay,” Anya agreed, “but we’re going to talk more about this stuff later.”  
“Right.” Lexa nodded again and began to do up the buttons on her shirt as Anya left.

A short time Later Lexa pulled her car into a parking spot and got out of her car. She glanced up at the large apartment building and then lightning a cigarette, she turned, looking up and down the street. She was familiar with the area. Azgeda, the bar that she had just recently gone to with everyone was only around a block or two away. 

A few minutes later, Lexa snuffed out her cigarette and glanced at her watch. Right on time. She walked towards the building and pushed her way through the double doors, entering into the lobby. As she stood waiting for the woman that she was scheduled to meet, Lexa glanced around the lobby. It was clean and well lit, with a wall of mailboxes on one side and a huge mural on the other. She like the mural, it vaguely reminded her of Clarke's work, only darker.

“Lexa?” A familiar voice filled her ears.  
Lexa turned and found a familiar face to go with it. “Oh,” she said, caught slightly by surprise. “Hello, Echo.”


	19. Chapter 19

Clarke set her phone down on her desk and returned to her work. While the messaging session had, to an extent, been a welcomed break, she really needed to focus on her work. With the upcoming showcases she had planned, she had way too much to do today and no time to screw around and let herself become distracted.

Though Clarke herself no longer painted or really did anything at all as far as art went, she still had her foot in the art world. A little over a year ago, after taking a loan from her parents and selling some of her work, she had easily purchased the gallery from Kane, who at that point, was ready to move on. It had been a bit of a crapshoot, but she went with it and though it was slightly rough in the beginning, everything was going really well now and she had been able to keep a steady flow of showcases running, featuring all types of work from both high profile artists and local amateurs. 

Though people had requested several times that she do another show featuring her own work, for Clarke, that just wasn't an option. She really just had no interest in it. In fact, other than the pieces that she had sold over the years, there was no longer a trace of her work anywhere. That part of her life was over, now she was all about the business of it, so anything that hadn't been sold, was boxed up and put into storage shortly before she had finalized purchasing the gallery.

Clarke looked up at the sound of the door opening. “Hey Dad,” she said and returned her eyes to the catalog cards in front of her.  
“Hey kiddo,” Jake said pleasantly as he approached the desk.  
Clarke opened one of her desk drawers and retrieved a check that she had already had ready for him. “Here you go,” she said as she held out to him.  
“Thank you,” he nodded as he took the check and stared at her for a moment.  
“What?” She finally asked, feeling slightly defensive under the weight of his stare.  
“You look good,” he told her as he folded the check an tucked it into his pocket. “Different, but good.”  
“Thank you?” Clarke shrugged, assuming that like everyone else, he was referring to her hair.  
“So, how are things?” He questioned her curiously.  
Clarke set down the cards and stared at him for a moment. Really? “Okay, so, we’re just going to pretend that you don't know that Lexa's back?”  
Jake grinned at her lightly. “Alright fine,” he nodded. “Yes, obviously your mother told me. How are you holding up?”

Ugh. And there it was - another person curious about her reaction to Lexa’s sudden return. Was it so hard to believe that she'd be unaffected by it?

“I’m fine,” Clarke shrugged again. “We actually talked a bit the other night.”  
“Did you?” His eyebrows shot up in apparent surprise. “And how’d that go?”  
Clarke leaned back in her chair and tried to find the right words. “It was weird,” she admitted.  
Jake slipped into a chair and waited patiently for her to continue.

Ugh. This was so frustrating. How could she even begin to explain it? Well, it was like Octavia had said, Lexa was totally weird now.

“She’s so different,” Clarke began with a slight shake of her head, “and yet, so familiar that it just drives me crazy.”  
“People can change and still be the same,” he shrugged, “especially with those closest to them.”  
Clarke took a deep breath. Nope. “I’m not close to her,” she said firmly and shook her head again.  
A quick chuckle escaped Jake as he also shook his head.  
“Dad, don't.” Clarke rolled her eyes at him. She felt enough inner conflict as it was where Lexa was concerned, having to hear from both Octavia and Raven about how she obviously still cared was enough, she really didn't want to hear it from him too.  
“Clarke, I have watched you two since you were young,” he told her quickly. “Through the ups, the downs and everything in between and when things are said and done, somehow you two always find a way to figure it out.”  
“This time is different,” Clarke shook her head. Totally different. Could he really not see that?  
“What makes it so different?” Jake asked as he sat up a little.  
“She hurt me,” Clarke answered quickly, and instantly felt foolish and immature.  
“You've hurt her,” he countered with a simple shrug.  
“Not like that,” Clarke shook her head again and leaned forward, “and never on purpose,” she pointed out.

It was completely true. Had there been times over the years where she had hurt Lexa? Yes, of course there was, but it had never been on purpose. She would have never intentionally hurt her – not ever. This was different. It was just different.

“Perhaps not,” Jake nodded, “but I’m sure that she had her reasons for what she did, right?”  
“Yeah,” Clarke answered with a quick shrug. “So?”  
“So, the real question here is, are you able accept them and move passed it?” He asked as he folded his hands in his lap.  
Clarke stared at him and clenched her jaw. The amount of turmoil inside her was steadily increasing.

That was a really good question. She had no idea where any of this was leading, but in the end, that question was still going to be there. In fact, it was probably the most important question that she would end up asking herself.

“I’m sure that there's still a lot that I don't know,” she finally said, “so, I can't exactly answer that honestly.”  
Jake nodded. “That’s a really good answer.”  
“You think so?” Clarke scoffed lightly.  
“I do,” he smiled at her. “It shows that you’re actually taking the time to think about things.”  
Clarke rolled her eyes slightly.  
“Hey, lets be real here, you know how you can be,” he told her pointedly. “You're quick to react when emotions are running high and you’re impossibly stubborn. You give your mother a run for her money.”  
Okay. So that might be totally true. “She's just so,” she sighed in frustration. “She's so guarded with me now and she can't just sit down and have a conversation – like this,” she motioned between the two of them. “It's like she’s afraid of me or something. Do you know how hard it is to talk to someone when they're like that?”  
Jake immediately burst into laughter.  
Clarke's brow furrowed. “What are you laughing at?”  
“You really have no idea how intimidating you and your mother can be when you’re angry, do you?” He smiled at her.  
“Oh, thhhpt,” Clarke stuck her tongue out him and threw a balled up piece of paper in his direction. “Shut up.”  
“Well, it's true.” Jake laughed again as he defended her playful attack. “I've been on the other side of it and I can tell you, it can be pretty scary.”  
Clarke couldn't help the laugh that escaped her lips. “You should have seen the look on her face when she opened the door and found herself face to face with Mom,” she shook her head at the memory. “It was pretty great.”  
“Yeah,” Jake nodded. “I heard about it.”

They sat in silence for a minute after they're laughter tapered off. It had been along time since Clarke had talked to him like this, about Lexa. Though Jake had always been the one to sort her out whenever she needed it most, when Lexa left, there was no sorting her out. She was lost in a place where no one could reach her, not even her father. Why did it suddenly seem so easy again?

Picking up a pencil, Clarke began to doodle absentmindedly as her thoughts wandered.

Lexa being back was slowly changing everything. It was like her life had once again been thrown in a blender and all that she could of was spin. Though the thought itself made Clarke think that she should be feeling completely ripped apart, it was actually the opposite that was true and she really didn't want to admit that.

She didn't want to admit that something about it actually felt good. That regardless of all of the thoughts in her head or the emotions that she was feeling, somehow, as the days slipped by, the weight that she had felt pressing down her for so long, began to feel lighter.

“It's really hard,” Clarke finally said as she dropped her forehead against her hand. “I'm not even sure that I want to forgive her. Honesty, part of me just wants to be done with it and hate her, but…”  
“But, you can't.” Jake finished for her, the matter-of-fact tone in his voice was all too obvious.  
Clarke looked up him. Don’t say it. Don't say it. “I don't know how.” Damn it, she said it.  
A light grin spread across her fathers face, accompanied with a knowing look as he shook his head. ”You're not going to make this easy, are you?”  
Clarke shook her head a little. “I don't know how to do that either,” she admitted quietly.


	20. Chapter 20

“Wow, Lexa, you really look great.” Echo said as she continued to smile pleasantly.  
“Thank you,” Lexa gave a small smile. “You look really good too. It’s been a long time.”  
“It has,” Echo agreed. “Are you here to see someone?”  
“Actually, yes.” Lexa nodded. “I’m here to look at one of the open apartments and I’m supposed to be meeting with…” she paused, suddenly forgetting the name of the person that she was meeting and pulled out her phone.  
“That would be me,” Echo smiled and pointed to herself.  
Lexa’s brow furrowed. “I’m pretty sure that it’s not.” No, it wasn’t. She would have recognized that name.  
“Well, it wasn’t supposed to be,” Echo admitted with another smile. “I’m actually just helping out a friend of mine. She got caught in traffic.” she shrugged.  
“Oh,” Lexa nodded. “Okay then. Shall we?”  
“This way,” Echo smiled an motioned toward the elevators.

A moment later as they stepped into the elevator, Echo smiled again and pushed the button for the third floor. “I actually live up on four,” she told her.  
“Ah. I see.” Lexa said, nodding slowly as she cupped her hands behind her back. “So tell me, would you recommend getting an apartment in this building?”  
“Oh yeah, definitely.” Echo responded immediately. “As far as places go, you really couldn’t ask for much more. It’s clean, it’s quite, the rent is reasonable and the apartments are totally spacious.”  
“It sounds nice,” Lexa reasoned with a slight shrug. “I can’t wait to see for myself.”

A couple of minutes later they stepped into the apartment and Lexa had to agree with Echo, it were definitely spacious. Lexa stood in the center of the room, taking in the medium hardwood flooring and crisp white walls, before nodding and making her way into the decent sized, open planned kitchen and poking around a bit.

“The bedrooms and bathroom are down that hallway and those glass doors over there,” Echo pointed to the other side of the room, “lead out to your balcony.”  
“Balcony?” Lexa looked up, feeling confused. “I don’t remember that in the ad.” Not that she minded. In fact, it would be the perfect place for her to smoke.  
“They probably just forgot to include it,” Echo shrugged, “or someone messed up when the entered it.”

Lexa turned and walked down the hallway, peering through the first door that she came to. It was a large room, also with medium hardwood flooring and crisp white walls. She nodded to herself and walked a little further down the hall peering into the other room that was on the other side of the hall. It was a little smaller than the first, again with the same wood flooring, but the walls in this one were a beige color. It could make for a good office or perhaps a guest room. Yeah, all things considered, a guest room might actually be the smarter thing to do.

Two doors left. The first was what appeared to be a sort of linen closet and the second led to the bathroom. Lexa leaned against the door and took in the room. It was probably the smallest bathroom that she had ever laid eyes on. A large tub lined one wall, the sink was directly in from of her and to the left, tucked back into a bit of a nook and facing the tub, was the toilet, above which was a rather startling slanted ceiling. Lexa just stared at it. What genius thought that design up?

As she walked back down the hallway, all that Lexa could think of was the guys in their group and how they had all better have pretty damn good aim, because they were definitely going to need it to use that ridiculous toilet. 

“So, what do you think?” Echo asked curiously as she walked back into the room. “Will I be getting a new neighbor?”  
Lexa chuckled a little and glanced around again. “I think so,” she nodded.  
“Awesome,” Echo smiled sweetly at her.  
“Do you know how soon I would be able to move in?” Lexa asked as she again cupped her hands behind her back.  
“I would imagine as soon as you'd like,” Echo replied as she pulled out her phone.  
“That would be great.” Lexa sighed a bit. “I feel like I’ve been living in a hotel forever.”  
Echo gave her a perplexed, but curious look.  
“I just moved back to the area,” Lexa explained quickly. “I’ve been on the west coast for the last couple of years.”  
“Oh, got it.” Echo said quickly. “So, that’s why I stopped seeing you around. I just assumed that you stopped coming in because of what happened with Clarke’s contract.”  
Lexa’s eyes narrowed immediately. Wait, what? What the hell happened to Clarke’s contract?  
“I mean, I only really saw you there on the nights that she was practicing or performing,” Echo continued with a shrug, “so, I just figured…”  
“What happened to Clarke’s contract?” Lexa asked before she could stop herself.  
“It was cancelled,” Echo answered simply, before unlocking her phone and making a call.  
Lexa felt her jaw slacken a bit as her stomach dropped and her mind instantly began to spin.

That just didn’t make any sense. How could that even happen? Clarke was an amazing singer. She had a beautiful voice, amazing songs and outstanding stage presence. Her nights never failed to bring in some sort of a crowd, regardless of where she was performing. Why they hell would Thelonious cancel her contract? He knew her. He knew how important singing was to her. How could he do that to her?

Lexa blinked, suddenly realizing that she was being spoken to. “I’m sorry, what?”  
Echo giggled a little and shook her head. “I said, if you want the apartment, we can fill out the paperwork right now and you can move in whenever you’re ready.”  
“Really?” Lexa questioned, slightly surprised. “Just like that?”  
“Yeah well,” Echo shrugged and grinned a little, “I might have vouched for you.”  
“Thank you,” Lexa smiled lightly and gave her an appreciative nod.

They spent the next hour or so filling out the contract for the apartment and going over any and all of the information that Lexa would need to know. When they were finished, Lexa pulled out her checkbook and quickly filled out a check to cover the rent and a security deposit before handing it over to Echo and receiving the keys to her new apartment. She glanced around and couldn’t help the tiny grin that pulled at her lips. 

Lexa pulled out her phone, instantly wanting to share her news, but quickly froze. Was that okay to do? Would she come off as that arrogant jerk again? No. That wouldn’t happen, right? She could share this with her friends. They would get it. They’d understand that she was simply…

“Everything okay?” Echo’s voice suddenly filled her ears.  
Crap. Spacing out again. “Yeah,” Lexa shrugged slightly. “I was just thinking about maybe taking a picture to show my friends.”  
“So, have at it,” Echo motioned to the room. “It’s your place now.”  
Lexa nodded and walked to the other side of the room to snap a quick picture. She took a deep breath and thought for a moment before typing out a simple message.

Lexa: Guess who finally has a place?  
Lexa: IMG_632  
Monty: Very nice!  
Lincoln: Congrats! Let me know if you need help moving in.  
Lexa: Everything that I own fits into two suitcases.  
Raven: Looks awesome!  
O: Yay! Good for you!  
Anya: That’s great, squirt.  
Lexa: Stop calling me that.  
Anya: Uh huh, Will do.  
Anya: Don’t forget the stuff that you have stored at my place.  
Lexa: Oh, right. I’ll get that out of there soon.  
Anya: No rush.  
Raven: Stick to the subject! Lexa, where’s this new place of yours?  
Jasper: Sweet! That’s great, Lexa.  
Lexa: A couple of blocks from Azgeda.  
Bellamy: It looks like a nice place – congrats!  
Raven: So, when do we get to christen it?”

Lexa chuckled lightly and rolled her eyes. Of course Raven would ask such a question.

Jasper: Excellent question.  
Lexa: Maybe after I actually get some furniture?  
Jasper: Eh, we don’t need no stinking furniture.  
Raven: What he said.  
O: Those floors look hard as hell. No way I’m sleeping on that!  
Monty: I’m with O on this one!  
Clarke: Furniture is a must.  
Jasper: Boo!  
Raven: Weak!!

Lexa couldn’t ignore the slight surge of relief that spread through her. She had debated for a moment about whether or not it would be appropriate to include Clarke in the message, but in the end, it just seemed wrong not to, so she just took a deep breath and did it.

“Wow,” Echo laughed suddenly. “Your friends are really quick to respond.”  
“Usually, yes.” Lexa nodded. “They’ll probably go on for a while now too,” she added as she clicked her phone on to silent and tucked it back into her pocket.  
“Brilliant,” Echo nodded as her laughter tapered off.  
“Yeah, they're a chatty bunch,” Lexa acknowledged with a slight shrug.  
“But you, not so much,” Echo pointed out.  
“No,” Lexa shook her head. “Not so much.”  
“Well,” Echo began, but paused to clear her throat. “Do you think that maybe you'd want to go have a drink? You know, celebrate your new apartment?”  
Lexa thought for a moment. It wasn’t like she really had anything else important that she had to do and a drink actually sounded like a pretty good idea. So yeah, why not? “Sure,” she nodded toward the door. “Let’s do it.”


	21. Chapter 21

The week had flown by quickly and before Clarke knew it, the clock was ticking down to the start of another game with Lexa and her nerves were completely on edge. She thought about cancelling, really she did, but at the same time, she couldn’t bring herself to do it. They had made some sort of twisted progress the previous week and for some insane reason, she really didn’t want to lose the tiny bit of momentum that they had.

A sudden light rapping on the door pulled Clarke out of her daze and she got to her feet, taking a deep breath to try and steady herself before approaching the door. As soon as she opened it though, her eyes fell on Lexa and as if on reflex, they instantly narrowed. Lexa was again, dressed in a pressed dark suit, with her hair pulled back and this time, she carried a pizza box.

“I didn’t know,” Lexa began with a slight shrug, “if I was supposed to bring food again, so I figured, if not – it’s just a pizza anyway.”  
Clarke gave her a nod and motioned her inside, silently refusing to admit that she was actually starving because she hadn’t eaten, banking on Lexa bringing food – after all, consistency, right?

As Lexa set the pizza box down on the table, Clarke went into the kitchen, again retrieving two beers, napkins and a couple of paper plates. By the time she returned Lexa had already pulled the chessboard out of the box and was quietly setting all of the pieces in their proper starting place. Clarke couldn’t help by notice the way that her jaw kept clenching and releasing. Apparently she wasn’t the only one on edge tonight.

The first part of the game went on in an awkward, but slightly comfortable silence as each of them devoured several slices of pizza and sipped on their beers. The anticipation of which one of them would actually snag the first piece and get to ask the first question was both slightly unnerving and exciting at the same time. After Lexa besting her by only answering that she had blacked out last week, Clarke was really hoping to score the first piece.

“Shit,” Clarke mumbled as she watch Lexa capturing her first piece. “Alright. Hit me with it.”  
“How’s the pizza?” Lexa asked simply.  
Clarke felt her eyebrows shoot up. For real? “Are you serious?” She asked feeling slightly baffled.  
Lexa only nodded as she dropped her napkin on to her plate and set it aside.  
“Um,” Clarke’s brow furrowed slightly. “It’s really good actually. Thank you,” she paused, having shocked herself, “for picking it up.”  
“You’re welcome,” Lexa responded as she redirected her eyes to the board.

Clarke stared down at the board, suddenly unable to focus. What the hell was that about? Of all of the things that she could have asked, Lexa went with - how’s the pizza? Really? It had to be some kind of joke or trick, a way to try and throw her off of her game, right? Nope. No way. That was not happening. Focus! Another couple of minutes slipped away before Clarke took a deep breath and finally made her move.

Fifteen minutes later, Lexa captured a second piece and Clarke practically pouted. “I was just trying to ease the tension when I asked you about the pizza,” she admitted with a slightly defeated looking grin, “though, I am glad that you enjoyed it.” Lexa took a deep breath and sat up straighter, “So, what happened to your contract at Polis?”  
Clarke’s eyes went wide and she barely contained a growl – yes, an actual growl. “Who told you about that?”  
Lexa simply raised her eyebrows and sat silent.  
Clarke bit the inside of her cheek. Unbelievable. “I just didn’t want to do it anymore,” she answered with a sharp shrug after a moment. “I lost that spark for it and Thelonious was kind enough to let me out of my contract, even though he didn’t have to.”  
“But, you were so good,” Lexa shook her head immediately.  
“I was barely more than mediocre,” Clarke rolled her eyes before returning them to the board.

Focusing hard on the board, Clarke tried not to think about her music. After Lexa had left, all of her songs seemed to turn into shit and the longer it went on, the more she began to doubt herself as a songwriter. Eventually, it got to the point where she simply couldn’t stand it anymore, so she just stopped. It wasn’t necessarily that she blamed Lexa for it, she just really didn’t want to talk about it. 

A few minutes passed before Clarke made her move and finally, captured her first piece. “Who told you about Polis?” She asked, immediately wincing and groaning internally. That was not what she’d been waiting to ask! Damn it! Focus!  
“Echo,” Lexa answered simply.  
Instantly Clarke felt her eyes harden and narrow as a fire surged through her chest. You have got to be kidding. What the fuck, was Lexa doing with Echo?  
“She has an apartment in the building that I just moved into,” Lexa added rather quickly, “and she…”  
“You really don’t have to explain,” Clarke cut her off as she got to her feet and scooped up their garbage. She didn’t want to hear it. “Honestly, I’d rather not know,” she mumbled to herself as she walked into the kitchen.

Fucking Echo, seriously? Again? Clarke set their beer bottles down on the counter, dropped their plates into the garbage and took a deep breath, feeling her body temperature rise. Nope. Not doing it. Not thinking about it. There were much more important things to focus on. Taking another deep breath, Clarke grabbed two more beers out of the fridge and set her jaw. She could do this. Piece of cake.

As she approached the table again, Clarke noticed Lexa shifting oddly in her seat and gave her a questioning look as she set the beers down.  
“Do you have any aspirin or anything?” Lexa asked with a slight frown as she shifted again. “O was right, those floors are hard as hell.”

Really? This dummy. Clarke stared at her for a moment before dipping her fingers into her purse and pulling out a small bottle of aspirin. She set it on the table, shaking her head and rolled her eyes lightly before turning and walking down the hallway to a closet where she proceeded to dig around until she found the heavy gray bag that she was looking for. Once she wrestled it out from under a ton of Raven’s junk, she made her way back out to where Lexa was sitting and dropped it at her side.

“What’s that?” Lexa questioned her curiously.  
“An air mattress,” Clarke answered with a slight huff as she dropped back into her seat. “Just make sure that you return it when you’re done.”  
“Of course,” Lexa responded softly and gave her an appreciative nod. “Thank you.”  
Clarke nodded and motioned to the board. “You’re turn,” she said before opening her beer.

The next four or five moves went by excruciatingly slow and it became obvious from the gameplay that Lexa was not messing around. She was playing hard and wanted to win, but Clarke was not going to let herself be rattled. She had been setting up her next capture and she had every intention of…

“Got it,” Clarke smirked as she claimed Lexa’s bishop. “I see you brought your real game tonight.”  
Lexa popped her eyebrows lightly and visibly braced herself for the question.  
“Why did you blackout?” Clarke questioned as she locked her eyes with Lexa.  
Lexa’s face twisted slightly. “I,” she cleared her throat. “I have an anxiety disorder and it makes it very difficult for me to deal with certain situations,” she explained and looked down at her hands, “Especially very stressful…or emotional situations. See, they cause a physical reaction from my body that I can’t…I just have no control over it.”

Clarke couldn’t even ignore the feeling of her heart slipping at this information. What did that mean? What happened to her? Her mind suddenly began to flash through all of her interactions with Lexa, remembering all of the things that had struck her as odd, the things that didn’t make sense. How could she not see it?

“That’s why you needed the game,” Clarke finally nodded as the pieces of the puzzle started to slip into place.  
Lexa nodded and redirected her eyes to the board. “It was your mother’s idea,” she acknowledged. “Well, a controlled environment was her idea. Chess, that was me.”  
“You told my mother?” Clarke questioned, harsher then she had actually intended to.  
Lexa’s eyes shot up, suddenly piercing. “You didn’t exactly give me a choice, did you?” She fired back as she got to her feet and pulled out a cigarette. “I’ll be right back,” she said before walking out the door.

Clarke sat thunderstruck and stared at the door. She should have seen it. She should have known. She knew several people who suffered from different types of anxiety disorders. How had she missed all the signs? Fuck. Fuck. The night at the hotel, it was her. She had been the one that had caused Lexa to blackout. It was all her.

The door suddenly opened and Lexa stepped inside, quickly removing her jacket and hanging it exactly where she had the previous week. When she turned though, her eyes met with Clarke’s and she froze. “Should I just go?” She asked, pointing over her shoulder at the door.  
Clarke shook her head and motioned to the chair. “I have a request,” she stated as Lexa sat down.  
Lexa swallowed hard. “Okay,” she nodded and eyed her cautiously.  
“Do you think that we could postpone the game,” Clarke said as she pointed to the board, “and just talk about this one?”  
“Clarke,” Lexa sighed heavily. “We have plans, remember? Somewhere to be. People to see.”  
“They can wait,” Clarke shook her head. “This more important.” It definitely was.  
Lexa stared at her, long and hard as she rubbed at the area directly under her clavicle. “I have a request of my own,” she said rather boldly.  
Clarke eyed her for a moment before nodding, but didn't say anything.  
“Don't look at me like that,” Lexa spoke firmly and locked eyes with her.  
Clarke didn't have to ask what she meant, it was pretty obvious. She nodded slowly and held Lexa's stare as she slid the chessboard to the other side of the table.


	22. Chapter 22

Lexa shifted in her seat again. Her back was throbbing something terrible from sleeping, well, barely sleeping, on the hardwood flooring in her new apartment. It might have seemed stupid, but at the same time, so was paying a fortune to stay in a hotel when you had an entire apartment waiting for you. At least now she had Clarke's air mattress. She would get a bed eventually, besides, a few rough nights on the floor wouldn’t have killed her. The look that Clarke was giving her though, that just might do it.

Lexa swallowed hard and looked at Clarke again. Okay. She could do this. She could and she would, as soon as she figured out where the hell to begin.

“When did it start?” Clarke’s voice broke the awkward silence that had fallen between them.  
“Before I moved away,” Lexa answered with a quick nod. Okay. That was probably a smart place to begin. “Anya actually thought that it was because of you,” she added.  
“Me?” Clarke’s eyes widened. “What did I do?”  
“No,” Lexa shook her head, immediately realizing her mistake. “No. Not because on you, but, in relation to you or rather, the stress that I was feeling about you,” she tried to clarify, “and about leaving you.”  
Clarke’s eyes narrowed slightly as she noticeably bit down on the inside of her cheek. “How did it first start?” She asked, after a pause.

Damn it. She was already screwing this up. Watch your words.

“Pain, um… in my chest.” Lexa answered with a nod, as she tapped on her sternum, already feeling a slight tightness taking hold. “I didn’t know what it was,” she continued with a slight shake of her head. “I just kept ignoring it.”  
“Smart,” Clarke appropriately mocked.  
“Yeah, well,” Lexa shrugged and rubbed her eyebrow. “I was a little preoccupied, but then after a while, it became pretty obvious that it wasn’t going to go away and it wasn’t going to be ignored either, so I went to the hospital.”  
“What’d they do?” Clarke sat back in her chair and tucked a foot under her thigh.  
Lexa looked at her and began rubbing the back of her neck. “You know,” she shrugged again, “asked what my symptoms were, ran a bunch of tests – the usual stuff.”

Okay, this was a little weird – just sitting here, attempting an open conversation with Clarke. Not necessarily bad, but weird.

“What were they? Or, are they?” Clarke questioned curiously. “Your symptoms.”  
“Really?” Lexa looked at her, her face twisting up a bit.  
Clarke nodded. “You said that your body has a physical reaction,” she recalled. “What happens to you?”  
“Why?” Lexa questioned curiously. She couldn’t help it. It was an odd question.  
“Why not?” Clarke countered with a shrug.

Lexa tapped her foot a bit and tried to ignore the light, but now steady, ache that was in her chest. This was actually getting a little tricky. It was like being under a microscope. Should she keep it simple? Go into detail? What was the right way to explain? She didn’t want to do this. Everything in her was telling her to end the conversation and either head to Lincoln and Octavia’s or go back to the game. She didn’t know how to answer or put it into words.

“It’s okay,” Clarke said, as though she could read her mind. “Just, go at your own pace.”  
Lexa looked up, meeting Clarke’s eyes again. She could do this. She could.

Lexa brought her hand up and rubbed her knuckles firmly against her sternum, “Um, an aching, in my chest,” she stopped and flattened her palm. “It spreads out like this and…um, then there’s a tightening, like, in all of these muscles here. Most of the time it stays there, but sometimes, it’ll spread into my left shoulder and then down my arm.”

Clarke didn’t say anything, or even change her facial expression.

“Other times, it’s just random pangs,” Lexa continued as she got to her feet and began to pace, unable to ignore the jumping in her legs anymore. “Just like, shots of sharp pain, firing off in my chest,” she tapped her fingers, this time harder, against her sternum.

Clarke’s brow knitted up, but still, she remained silent, apparently not wanting to push.

“Rapid increase in heart rate and body temperature.” Yep, Lexa could definitely feel her temperature rising, but she was determined to keep going. “Muscle tension, nervous ticks and almost like a…um, almost like a tremor of sorts,” as soon as Lexa said it, a light one rippled through her body. “Pressure and weight, like something is trying to push in and yet break out of me at the same time, ” she kept going. She had to keep going. “Difficulty breathing. It’s like…it’s like, your lungs have become heavy and they won’t work the way that their supposed to and…”

“Lexa?” Clarke’s voice filled her ears.

Lexa blinked and looked at her, taking a step back when she realized that Clarke had gotten to her feet and was standing next to her. Fuck. Wait, how? When did she get up?

“Are you in pain?” Clarke asked, her eyes almost soft. “Like, right now?”  
Lexa swallowed hard. “I’m okay,” she insisted quickly. Not really through.  
“Okay,” Clarke nodded, though her eyes showed skepticism. “Let’s move away from your symptoms, okay?”

Lexa nodded and walked back to the table and took a deep, steadying breath. Shit. Shit. Pull it back in, stupid. Don't lose it. Not here, not now.

Clarke returned to her seat. “What’s the treatment?”  
Lexa released a weak laugh in spite of herself, before dropping into her chair and picking up her beer. She took a long sip, soothing her exceptionally dry throat. “I have a medication that helps, reduce the symptoms, but as far as an actual treatment goes,” she paused and shook her head. “There’s no undoing this, Clarke. It’s just, a part of who I am now.”  
Clarke thought for a moment. “So, what? You’ll just take medication every day for the rest of your life?”  
“Absolutely not,” Lexa shook her head. “The medication is for when I need it. It’s for when the symptoms get away from me.”  
“What about the rest of the time?” Clarke questioned, looking slightly confused.  
“I turn it off,” Lexa answered quickly as she set her beer bottle back on the table. “I avoid stressful situations and…”  
“Emotions.” Clarke nodded as she crossed her arms. “So, that’s it? You just stopped caring, about everyone? Everything?”  
“No, I stopped feeling – there’s a difference,” Lexa clarified pointedly. “It doesn’t mean that I don’t care.”  
Clarke clicked her tongue. “Well, that explains your sunny disposition.”  
“Very funny.” Lexa feigned a glare.  
“It’s true,” Clarke chuckled lightly and shift in her seat.  
“You were always the sunny one anyway,” Lexa grumbled lightly and rubbed at her chest again.  
Clarke's looked at her, her eyes darkening slightly. “So, that's why you walk around like you do?” She asked. “It's a shield?”  
Lexa considered her words for a moment as Raven’s robot comment flashed in her mind. “In a sense,” she nodded lightly. “I guess? I'm not sure what you mean.”  
Clarke shook her head. “It doesn't matter,” she told her. ”So, who else knows?”  
“Just you, your mother and Anya,” Lexa answered. “She just found out recently though. Honestly, you know more than she does. I don't exactly make it public knowledge.”

They sat in silence for a few minutes, just digesting the conversation or perhaps, not quite sure of what to say next, if anything at all. 

“Well, we should probably head over to Octavia’s soon.” Clarke said as she finally got to her feet.  
“The game,” Lexa said, motioning to the chessboard.  
“We can pick it back up next week.” Clarke shrugged. ”I’ll just put it off to the side.”

A slight bit of relief washed over Lexa. Okay. They weren't done. Not yet. Next week. Suddenly a thought jumped into her head.

“Do you…um,” Lexa stuttered as she got to her feet. “Do you maybe want to ride together? We don’t have to talk or anything. It's just, we’re going to the same place anyway and why waste the gas. You can always ride back with Raven,” she finished and held her breath. She should have stopped herself. That was dumb. She was probably way overstepping now.  
Clarke’s brow furrowed as though she were actually considering it. ”Yeah, okay,” she finally said. “Just let me get my bag,” she turned and left the room.

Lexa released her breath and walked over to retrieve her coat. After slipping into it, she scooped up their empty bottles and disposed of them before returning to the table. As she waited for Clarke, she pulled out her phone and took a picture of their game.

“Seriously?” Clarke's voice filled the room. “You're taking a picture of the game?”  
Turning, Lexa saw her standing by the door. “I was doing really well,” she shrugged.  
“You think that I’ll move the pieces or something?” Clarke asked as she crossed her arms in what appeared to be a joking manner.  
“Right,” Lexa smirked slightly as one of her eyebrows popped up and she tucked her phone away, “because, Clarke Griffin is totally known for playing fair.”


	23. Chapter 23

Clarke slipped into the passenger seat of Lexa’s car and put on her seat belt. This game night had not gone at all as she had anticipated and though she wasn’t exactly sure what she had thought Lexa’s reason would be for passing out, what she got, was definitely not what she expected. Not at all and really, she was totally confused about how she actually felt about it.

Part of her felt definitely felt saddened, knowing other people who lived with similar disorders and seeing how on some days, in some situations they struggled just to make it through. Another part of her though, felt that it was oddly like poetic justice – as they say, you reap what you sow. It wasn’t that she enjoyed the idea that Lexa was living in pain. It wasn’t and she didn’t. No. It was more of an almost twisted appreciation for the knowledge that, though their pains were different, they were both in pain.

Clarke shifted in her seat and stared out the window. Watching Lexa describe her symptoms had given her a good idea of just how overwhelming they could be and just how fast they could present themselves. As she sat there watching her and listening to the sound of her voice, Clarke could see them taking hold and then she couldn’t help but feel compelled to intervene and stop it before Lexa pushed herself too far. Lexa might have said that she was okay, but it was pretty obvious that it was bullshit. Clarke sighed and dropped her head against the glass.

“Everything alright over there?” Lexa asked.  
“I thought that you said that we didn’t have to talk?” Clarke responded quickly. Her head was too full right now.  
“We don’t,” Lexa replied matter-of-factly as she tightened her grip on the steering wheel.  
Clarke glanced over at her, and tried to read her very unreadable expression, feeling suddenly grateful that their destination was not that far. Being in a room with Lexa was one thing, a car – totally different and now, she just needed out.

Not five minutes later the car slipped into a parking spot near Lincoln and Octavia’s building and Clarke jumped out, instantly feeling relieved. She grabbed her bag out of the backseat and quickly made her way inside.

“Thanks,” she said over her shoulder.  
“No problem,” Lexa responded quickly.

As Clarke entered the apartment, the first thing that her eyes fell Raven, who smiled widely at her and got to her feet.

“About time you got here,” Raven told her as she approached.  
“Better late than never,” Clarke told her as Lexa came through the door.  
“Wait,” Raven gave her a confused look. “Did you two come together?”  
“No,” Clarke instantly shook her head. “I mean, yes – in the same car, but not, together,” she explained rather quickly. “I’ll be riding back with you.”  
“Fine by me,” Raven shrugged. “So, how was your game?”  
Clarke ignored her question, instead directing her attention the small table near the door. “Is that the Right of Passage?”  
“Yep,” Octavia said as she came up behind them.  
“A Jell-O shot?” Clarke raised her eyebrows.  
“I found some mix in the cabinet,” Octavia shrugged lazily. “Just shut up and eat it.”  
Clarke released a light chuckle and picked the small plastic cup up.   
“Lexa!” Raven suddenly said loudly. “Get over here for your Right of Passage.”  
Lexa approached quickly, her brow instantly furrowing as her eyes fell on the cup that Raven was holding out to her. “Jell-O?” She asked skeptically. “Really?”  
“Come on, bitches,” Octavia impatiently motioned to them.

Clarke shrugged and tipped it back with Lexa following in suit. As soon as to Jell-O slipped down her throat, she couldn’t suppress a cough that Lexa immediately mirrored. Octavia and Raven began to laugh at the two of them.

“What the hell was that?” Lexa questioned, looking absolutely disgusted.  
“That, was a Fireball Jell-O shot,” Octavia answered with a devious little smile.  
“Fireball?” Lexa’s eyes narrowed slightly. “As in whiskey?”  
“Relax,” Raven told her quickly as she dropped a hand onto Clarke’s shoulder. “Whiskey was Clarke’s go-to drink for a long time. She’ll be just fine.”  
Clarke nodded as her eyes found Lexa’s and the uncertainty in them was clear as day. She popped her eyebrows and walked away. She just couldn't be near her anymore.

Space, that was what she needed at the moment, just space – and time to process. Fuck. It was going to be a long weekend.

Clarke entered the kitchen and stumbled on to Lincoln, Anya and Jasper playing cards. “Hey guys,” she said as she went to the fridge and grabbed a beer.  
“Hey, hey,” Jasper smiled happily at her. “I like the hair. Looks good.”  
“Thanks,” Clarke returned his smile.  
Lincoln smiled and gave her a wave as Anya folded her hand and got to her feet. “Hey Clarke,” she greeted her. “Do you know if Lexa is here yet?”  
“Yeah,” Clarke nodded and pointed behind her. “Out in the other room with Raven and O.”  
“Thanks,” Anya smiled at her and left the room.  
Clarke dropped down into Anya’s now vacant seat. “Deal me in on the next round,” she told them as she opened her beer.

The next couple of hours slipped by and Clarke just kept herself planted at the table, playing cards and trying to process her thoughts. This was proving to be very difficult as all of her thoughts kept contradicting each other and the more she thought, the angrier she got. Lexa’s disorder brought a certain amount of understanding to some things, but not everything and it definitely didn’t excuse anything.

Clarke got to her feet and walked to the fridge to get another beer. Turning back to the table, her eyes fell on Lexa standing in the other room apparently listening to a conversation between Monty and Raven. Throughout the night she had caught several glimpses of her and every time she looked the same – completely rigid, keeping her shoulders squared and her jaw set. A week ago, Clarke would have just taken it as Lexa being her normal, arrogant self, but now, she knew what this was. It was that shield, as Clarke had called it, and the fact that Lexa was using it here was really just pissing her off. 

Before Clarke knew what was happening, her feet were carrying her forward. “Can I speak with you?” She said as her fingers slipped around Lexa’s wrist and she pulled her towards the front door. It hadn’t been a question or even a request – not really.

Once outside, Clarke let go of her wrist and paced for a moment, rubbing her suddenly tingling fingers together.   
“Did you actually want something?” Lexa finally asked as she lit a cigarette.  
“You really need to stop doing that,” Clarke told her firmly.  
“Smoking?” Lexa’s brow knitted up.  
“Shielding,” Clarke retorted quickly. “Though now that you mention it, yes, smoking too. It’s gross.”  
“Shielding?” Lexa asked, sounding oddly confused.  
“Yeah. That thing that you do. If I didn't know what you were doing, that would be one thing. I would just assume that you were being your asshole self, but now,” Clarke was pacing as the words fell from her lips, “knowing what you're doing – it’s just pissing me off.”  
Lexa didn’t respond, but there was an understanding showing in her eyes. She absolutely knew what Clarke was talking about.  
“You don't need to do that here,” Clarke assured her as she shook her head. “These are your friends – your people. They’re not going to hurt you.”  
“They're the ones that an hurt me the worst,” Lexa countered quickly as she pointed back toward the building.  
“If something does happen, you deal with it.” Clarke fired at her. “You know that they all love you, regardless of anything. You’re safe with them.”  
Lexa clenched her jaw a bit and flicked her thumb against the filter of her cigarette, but again didn't say anything.  
“Besides,” Clarke continued without much thought. “If there is anyone in there that you should be worried about hurting you, it's me – and if I haven't killed you yet, I'm pretty sure that you're safe.”  
“Pretty sure,” Lexa echoed, her voice almost sounding playful, “but not completely sure?”  
“Hey, I guarantee nothing,” Clarke replied honestly. “We still have a game going and I already told you that the jury is still out.”  
“Fair enough,” Lexa nodded as she snuffed out her cigarette.  
“Now, I’ve seen you during our games,” Clarke told firmly as she pointed toward the door, “and you don't act like that. So, we’re going to go back in there and you’re going to take off your jacket, unbutton that damn collar and spend some real time with your family. Got it?”  
Lexa stared at her with wide eyes, swallowing hard and nodding a moment later.  
Clarke turned on her heel and walked back toward the door, feeling completely baffled by what she had just done and wondering where the hell it came from.

Once inside, Clarke crossed through the living room feeling several pairs of apprehensive eyes watching her. She retrieved her abandoned beer and quickly opened it, even though honestly, she wasn't even sure that she wanted it. As she leaned against the doorway, Lexa came through the front door and to Clarke's surprise, she slipped off her jacket and unbuttoned the top two buttons of her shirt before rolling up her sleeves and picking up her drink.

“What did you say to her?” Anya asked quietly as she came up behind her.  
Clarke swallowed hard. Anya knew about Lexa. “I told her to lose the shield,” she answered after a moment. “She doesn’t need to be on her guard like that here.”  
Anya nodded. “So, how long have you known?” She questioned her curiously.  
“A few hours,” Clarke replied and took a sip of her beer. Not nearly long enough to process.  
“I told her earlier that she should really just try to take this weekend to relax a little,” Anya told her. “Especially with you two being on slightly better terms.”  
Clarke nodded slowly. Were they on better terms? “I told her that she was going to come back in here, loosen her collar and spend some time with her family.”  
“And she actually listened?” Anya chuckled.  
“Apparently,” Clarke shrugged as she motioned to the other side of the room where Lexa was now actively engaging in a conversation with Raven, Octavia and Monty and looking considerably less rigid.  
“Well done, Clarke,” Anya nodded approvingly before she walked away.

Well done? What? She hadn’t even done anything. Not really. 

Clarke watched Lexa for another moment before shaking her head and going back to the card game that was still being played in the kitchen. Perhaps Anya was right. Maybe she and Lexa were on slightly better terms, but that still didn’t make them friends. No. They still had a long way to go before that could even be taken into consideration and right now – her head was just far too full to even think about it.


	24. Chapter 24

Lexa crossed through the living room to the table against the far wall and poured herself a fresh drink. This had been one of the weirdest nights that she had had in a long time. From the moment that she had knocked on Clarke’s door with a pizza box in her hand and a weight in her chest, she knew that it was going to be a long one. She knew that Clarke was immediately going to ask her what it was specifically that had caused her to pass out and she had been trying all week to work out the best way to answer her. In the end, being blunt won out because really, what else could she do? 

But then Clarke wanted to stop the game – she wanted to stop the game and talk about it and though Lexa would have preferred to do anything else in the world at that moment, she agreed. She figured that if she just stuck to being blunt she could get through it and she was right – until she started listing off her symptoms. With every second that passed, and every word that she spoke, she could feel her system short-circuiting. That, was almost her downfall. That, had almost caused her to lose her cool in front of Clarke, again. If Clarke hadn’t stopped her…

Clarke had stopped her. Why did she stop her? After all, it was her question that she was trying to answer?

Lexa shook her head and took a sip of her drink. It didn’t matter why Clarke stopped her – all that mattered was that she had and shortly thereafter, the conversation ended and she felt relieved, she needed a break and from the looks of it, Clarke did as well. It was pretty obvious she was annoyed with something that had been said and Lexa could see that her mind was actively working to process the information. By the time they had gotten here, Lexa wasn’t even the slightest bit surprised that Clarke had put as much space as she could between the two of them. That was, until she grabbed her by the wrist and dragged her outside to call her out for what she had so aptly named, shielding – and though she hadn’t necessarily been mean about it, she had been right. 

Of course she had been shielding, she was constantly shielding – it was just how she functioned now, but then somehow, when Clarke spoke, it was almost like for a moment, something clicked into place and her body just responded – she just responded, the same way that she always had. So now here she was, back inside and she was going to do her damnedest just to relax and be with her friends, her family.

“You know,” Jasper began as he appeared by her side, “you seem a lot more at ease then you did last time.”  
“Well, it’s certainly not as tense,” Lexa responded with a slight shrug, “and, no one’s throwing beer in my face.”  
“Yet,” Clarke pointed out as she crossed though the room, making her way to the bathroom, “and you totally deserved that.”  
Lexa nodded, accepting her words as she felt a light grin pull at her lips. Maybe she did.  
Jasper gave her a wide eyed look as he smiled playfully. “Man, it really is great to have you back here,” he told her. “It’s like things are finally getting back to normal.”  
“Nothing’s normal,” Lexa shook her head but couldn’t left the small chuckle that escaped her.  
“Well,” Jasper shrugged, “it’s definitely starting to feel normal again.”  
“I agree,” Monty added as he came up behind them. “I told you to give it time.”  
“Trust me,” Lexa told them quickly, “it’s taking more than just time and it’s not as easy as it looks.” Not even remotely close to easy.  
“Nothing ever is,” Monty smiled warmly, “but, whatever you two are doing,” he paused and glanced over to where Clarke had just reappeared, “it’s working. So, keep doing it.”

Lexa glanced over to the couch where Clarke was now sitting with Lincoln and Anya. She definitely looked different than she did a month ago and it wasn’t just the hair. It was more in the way that she was carrying herself and the way that she was interacting with everyone. It felt strangely familiar. Lexa leaned back against the wall and watched her for another moment. Was it possible that the small amount of time that they had spent together was actually penetrating that dark place where Clarke resided?

Shaking the thoughts from her head, Lexa pushed up off the wall and walked towards the kitchen.

“Hey Rae” Lexa said as she noticed Raven and Octavia sitting at the table. “I was actually wondering if you could help me out with something?”  
“What do you need?” Raven eyed her curiously.  
“I’m picking up a new multi room home audio system,” Lexa explained, “and I was wondering if you could help me figure it out?”  
“Sure thing,” Raven nodded and leaned back in her chair, “for fifty bucks.”  
Lexa cocked an eyebrow and stared at her. She knew that Raven wasn’t about to charge her. “Pizza, beer and,” she thought for another second, “you can pick what we listen to during the set up.”  
“It’s a good deal,” Octavia pointed out.  
Raven tapped her finger to her chin and pretended to think. “Alright,” she said got to her feet and picked up her empty glass. “I’ll help you figure it out.”  
“And you say that I make it to easy,” Lexa shook her head and chuckled.  
“Wait,” Raven popped her eyebrows and grinned mischievously at her before walking away.  
“Just remember,” Lexa called after her, “I have still have to live in that building when you’re done!”

Four nights later Lexa found herself kneeling on the floor of her apartment and fighting to put together the small kitchen set that she had picked up on her way home so that she and Raven would have a decent place to eat and work on figuring out her new audio system. The pizza had already been ordered and Raven had texted to say that she was on her way, and though Lexa was really hoping to finish up before either showed up, so far, all that she had managed to put together was two of the four chairs and half of the table.

“Come on, you stupid thing,” Lexa growled at the piece in her hand as she tried to force it into place. “Just fit!”

A knocking suddenly echoed through her apartment and Lexa let out a frustrated sigh as she got to her feet and walked toward the door, mumbling to herself. “Please, be the pizza. Please, just bust be the pizza,” Lexa opened the door and felt her shoulders drop a little as her eyes fell on Raven. “I knew it would be you,” she shook her head.  
“Of course it’s me,” Raven smiled. “Who else would it be?”  
“I was hoping for the pizza,” Lexa admitted.  
“Hungry?” Raven asked as she stepped into the apartment and froze, looking at the mess on the floor.  
“Not quite.” Lexa said as she closed the door and crossed her arms.  
“Um. What happened in here?” Raven questioned her curiously and cocked an eyebrow.  
Lexa took a few steps forward. “The stupid thing won’t fit,” she motioned to the part of the table that she was working on. “It’s too long or something.”  
Raven stared at the partially put together table for a moment and then walked over to it. Shaking her head, she reached down carefully and flipped the piece over before grinning as Lexa’s mouth fell open.  
“You have got to be kidding me!” Lexa groaned as she dropped her face down into her hands, just knowing that Raven was never going to let her live this down.  
“It ain’t rocket science, Commander,” Raven quipped as she picked up the screwdriver and went to work on the table.  
Lexa felt her face flush, but another knock at the door kept her from responding.  
“That’s probably the pizza,” Raven told her. “You take care of that. I got this.”

Only a couple of minutes later, the table was in one piece and the two of them sat down to eat, after Raven checked to make sure that the chairs were safe to sit in.

“I’m not completely incapable,” Lexa defended as she opened her beer.  
“Not completely,” Raven allowed before taking a bite of her pizza and then adjusting her leg.  
“How is,” Lexa paused, losing her words as she suddenly realized how little she had kept up with the lives of her friends. Shit.  
“It sucks,” Raven shrugged, “but, I’m dealing with it.”  
Lexa gave her a small nod.  
“Abby thinks that I might have to have another surgery eventually,” Raven added with a shrug, “but, we’ll see how it goes.”  
“Would it be like the last one?” Lexa asked cautiously.  
Raven shook her head. “Nah,” she replied with a mouthful of pizza. “So, where’s this audio system?”  
Lexa motioned to the box sitting in the corner and Raven got to her feet and walked over to it. “This is a nice one,” she told her.  
“I hope so,” Lexa chuckled as she took a bite of her slice, “for what I paid for it.”  
“The install is easy enough,” Raven said as she came back to the table, “and it’s totally user friendly. This should be a piece of cake.”  
“That’s what I like to hear,” Lexa nodded as she picked up her beer, “and before you ask, no – I don’t have any cake.”  
“Damn it,” Raven snapped her fingers with a grin and suddenly, the room felt lighter somehow.

An hour or so later as Lexa moved through the living room picking up all of the scraps of packing material, she found herself feeling grateful and it wasn’t just for Raven’s help, but also her company in general. For a moment, it made her want to branch out more socially, but only for a moment.

“Last speaker is good to go,” Raven said as she emerged from the hallway. “Now for the fun stuff,” she added as she moved toward the base, turning up the volume and docking her phone.  
Lexa closed her eyes and winced slightly as she tried to prepare herself for whatever horror Raven was about to send blaring through her apartment, but what filled her ears was not what she expected. It was soft and rather soothing. Her eye opened slowly and she stared at Raven, who quickly hit the stop button.

“Sorry about that,” Raven blushed a little.  
“Was that,” Lexa looked at her curiously, “ a violin?”  
Raven nodded. “And a harp,” she answered quietly.  
“Not what I expected to hear,” Lexa shook her head, feeling pretty surprised.  
“Not what I expected to play,” Raven admitted and she clicked on to a different song that was way harder and definitely more her style. “I just find it calming sometimes,” she added.  
“There’s nothing wrong with that,” Lexa shrugged. She had actually thought that the song was rather nice. “I kind of liked it.”  
Raven walked back over to the table and picked up her beer. “After the accident,” she began as she sat down, “I started to find it increasingly difficult to be in a car.”  
Lexa crossed the room and dropped back into her seat. “I never knew that,” she said softly.  
“I didn’t tell anyone,” Raven shrugged lightly. “But then, one day I was taking a ride with your sister and I could just feel my agitation increasing and it got to the point that I just couldn’t sit still, so I started fiddling with the radio and that song came on. There was something,” she paused. “There was just something soothing about it, so I left it on and by the time it was over, I felt fine.”  
Lexa eyed her curiously. “And now you just like it or..?”  
“Oh, I like it,” Raven answered quickly, “but I also use it too and others, like, on long car rides, when I start feeling overwhelmed.”  
Lexa nodded, taking in Raven’s words. “I see,” she said softly.

It was interesting. Though Lexa had always enjoyed music – a lot, she had never considered using it like that. Sure, when she was struggling with an article or something, a go-to solution for her had always been pop in her earbuds and get lost for a bit and then the words that she needed just seemed to come to her, but this – this was different. It was an intriguing thought, and Lexa couldn’t help but wonder if the same method could help her too.

“I know about your anxiety,” Raven’s words broke into her mind.  
Lexa’s eyes snapped up. The fuck?  
“No one told me,” Raven insisted as she held her hands up. “No one had too. I kind of started figuring it out after that ride back to your hotel – when I ripped into you about breaking Clarke,” she explained, “and I didn’t tell anyone either. I just wanted you to know - I get it.”  
Lexa just stared at her and swallowed hard, feeling her heart rate instantly increase tenfold. She wasn’t ready for this. She wasn’t.  
Raven got to her feet and walked back over to the audio base, changing the song back to the first one that had played and then returned to her seat. “We don’t have to talk about it,” she shook her head as she picked up her beer bottle and tipped it toward her. “Let’s just listen to some music.”  
As the sweet music filled Lexa’s ears again, she picked up her beer bottle and tapped it lightly against Raven’s before nodding and leaning back in her chair. “Okay,” she agreed softly.

Okay.


	25. Chapter 25

Clarke tightened her grip on the bare skin of Niylah’s back as her eyes screwed shut as she felt herself falling over the edge and into a much needed release.

“Well,” Clarke dropped her head into the crook of Niylah’s neck as she tried to steady her breathing “This is not what I had in mind when I stopped by,”  
“Are you complaining?” Niylah smiled and shifted beneath her as she ran her fingertips up and down her back.  
Clarke smiled and dropped a kiss onto her neck. “No,” she told her softly.  
“Now, where were we?” Niylah asked as she allowed herself to drop back down onto the pillows.  
Clarke stayed in her position straddling Niylah’s waist. “Hm. I was pacing around, rambling like an idiot and you couldn’t stop checking out my ass,” Clarke answered as she began to draw little patterns on Niylah’s stomach with her fingers.  
“In those jeans,” Niylah laughed lightly. “Can you really blame me?”  
The tiniest smirk formed on Clarke’s face. In these jeans – no, no she couldn’t. “They’re my favorite,” she answered simply.  
“With good reason,” Niylah grinned at her. “Do I need to give you a recap now to show you that I was actually listening?”  
“No,” Clarke shook her head. “I know that you were listening.” Niylah always listened.  
“Good,” Niylah nodded. “So, all of this stuff that you’re learning, is it a good thing or a bad thing?”  
“A little of both,” Clarke answered honestly as she dropped down onto the bed and curled into Niylah’s side. “It’s a slow process.”

A painfully slow process. Part of Clarke honestly wished that they could just sit down and get it out in one go, but then another part of her thought that this was actually better because it gave them time to process and think, not only week to week, but question to question.

“Well, I can tell you, it’s definitely making a difference,” Niylah’s voice filled her ears. “I can see it. You look different.”  
“I changed my hair,” Clarke pointed out.  
“Yes,” Niylah nodded with a small smile. “I can see that, but that’s not what I’m talking about.”  
Clarke felt her brow knit up. “Then what are you talking about?”  
“I’m talking about you,” Niylah answered simply. “You’re different. Warmer, lighter – I would almost go so far as to say happier.”  
Clarke felt herself cringe slightly. “Nothing’s different,” she insisted firmly.  
“Clarke,” Niylah’s tone spoke volumes.  
“Okay,” Clarke sighed as she sat up. “Look, maybe I do feel different, but that doesn’t change anything between Lexa and I.”

Nope. Not a thing. Not a single thing.

“It might, if you actually let it.” Niylah told her as she shuffled up and the bed and leaned against the headboard.  
“And how am I supposed to do that?” Clarke asked as she shoved her arms into her shirt. “I’m struggling just to process the little bit that I’ve already been told.”  
“Clarke, stop making it harder than it has to be,” Niylah sighed.

Clarke groaned and got to her feet and began hunting for the rest of her clothes. It was easy for Niylah to sit there and say that – she had no idea of the whirlwind of emotions that were constantly spinning around inside of her. Half of what she thought she knew had turned out to be bullshit, and now there was an entire new stock of information that she was still trying to process.

“You don’t know what it feels like,” Clarke told her after a few silent moments.  
“Maybe not, but still, I get it. I get the confusion and the inner conflict.” Niylah nodded. “I know how deep your issues with Lexa run.”  
“I know that you do. I just – I don’t know what to feel,” Clarke shook her head. “Fuck – I barely know what to believe.”  
“You think that she’s lying to you?” Niylah asked her curiously as she slipped out of bed and also began to get redressed.  
“She has before,” Clarke pointed out quickly and then took in the look on Niylah’s face. “No,” she admitted quietly, “I don’t think that she’s lying to me.”  
Niylah pulled her shirt on and wrapped her arms around Clarke’s waist. “I think that right now, you’re fighting with yourself more than anyone else,” she told her. “You’re so used to being angry with her, that you just want to keep it that way.”  
“Anger is easy,” Clarke acknowledged as she leaned back into her embrace. So fucking easy.  
“Of course it is,” Niylah agreed, “but, since when is life supposed to be easy?”  
Clarke turned in her arms and looked at her. “Part of me wishes that we could just skip though all the bullshit and see where we end up,” she admitted.  
Niylah dropped a kiss onto her forehead. “Keep doing what you’re doing – the questions or just talking,” she told her. “Trust me, you’ll end up where you’re supposed to.”  
“And then what?” Clarke shrugged and shook her head.  
“Then maybe you can tell her that you’re still in love with her,” Niylah offered with a smile.  
“Niylah,” Clarke breathed as she stepped back out of her embrace. Fuck. She had totally walked into that one. Damn it. Nope. Not even going to think about this one.  
“Clarke, you know how you really feel,” Niylah told her kindly. “You always have. Just keep doing what you’re doing and eventually, you’ll figure out what you want.”  
“I want to skip to the end,” Clarke answered quickly.  
“Good luck with that,” Niylah laughed lightly. “So, when do you see her again?”  
Clarke looked at her. “Tomorrow night,” she answered with a light sigh.

The following night came faster than Clarke was honestly prepared for and though they were already well into their game, they were making little progress. It was unlike either of their other two game nights. Clarke felt edgy and angry. The fact that there was actually something soothing about Lexa being there was really grating on her nerves and she was struggling with a voice in the back of her head that just kept telling her to call the game and send Lexa home. 

Lexa, for her part, seemed to be holding up pretty well against the icy environment, though she was definitely playing defensively and Clarke couldn’t help but wonder if she was just afraid of what might happen if one of her pieces were captured.

As luck would have it, Lexa was spared yet again, and was the first one to capture a piece. “Are you alright?” She asked.  
“No,” Clarke answered with a steely glare before returning her eyes to the board. 

A moment later she made her move and captured one of Lexa’s pieces. Slowly she brought her gaze back up and watched as Lexa swallowed hard and braced herself. “What do you hope to gain from all of this?” 

What the? Where the hell did that come from?

Lexa took a deep breath. “I don't really know,” she answered. “I know that I owe you answers, but at the same time I just…”  
Clarke waited, curious to see what else was coming. Unfortunately her patience were far too thin. “You just what?”  
“I just miss you,” Lexa answered in a small voice. “I miss us.”   
Clarke felt a chill run through her bones. She did not want to hear that and had absolutely no intention of replying to it. She redirected her eyes to the game and Lexa followed in suit.

A moment later she made Lexa move and Clarke countered, capturing yet another piece.

Clarke tapped the piece on the table. “What did I say?”  
Lexa’s brow furrowed. “When I called you,” Clarke clarified. “What did I say?”  
Lexa shook her head. “Lots of things, Clarke,” she answered with a slight sigh.  
“So help me G…” Clarke practically growled.  
Lexa got to her feet, suddenly looking angry. “I won’t repeat your words,” she told her firmly. “I won’t.”  
“You made the rules,” Clarke reminded her rather harshly, “and now, you owe me an answer.” 

This was fucking bullshit. She had the right to know what she had said.

“You talked a lot of shit.” Lexa replied coldly as she crossed her arms.  
“Lexa,” Clarke eyed her.  
“Fuck. Fine. You basically told me that I’m a heartless, egocentric piece of shit, Clarke. Is that what you want to hear?” Lexa finally snapped at her, throwing her arms up. “You rattled off a ton of shitty things that I deserve and then…” she broke off and shook her head.  
“And then what?” Clarke pushed, feeling quite surprised by the sudden bust of emotion that Lexa was showing.  
Lexa glared at her with misty eyes. “And then you reminded me that successful people aren’t born in gutters,” her voice was empty. “You reminded me that I was still nothing – that I’d always be nothing. That I was born in the gutter, and that I’d die in the gutter – just like my parents.”  
Clarke’s stared at her with wide horrified eyes, her mouth gaping slightly.

There was no way. There was absolutely no way that she would ever say such a thing. She didn’t think that way, not about Lexa – not about anyone!

“It’s not true,” Clarke shook her head quickly, feeling the insane need to clarify.  
“You’re calling me a liar now?” Lexa’s eyebrows popped up.  
“No,” Clarke scrambled to her feet. “What I said – it’s not true. I don’t think that,” she said quickly. “I don’t. I never have.”  
“Whatever Clarke,” Lexa shrugged dejectedly. “Leave it be. If anything, it just made me work harder. It doesn’t matter.”  
“It does matter!” Clarke practically yelled. It mattered. It absolutely fucking mattered.

Clarke closed her eyes, wishing that she could remember the phone calls. It didn’t make any sense. Even at her angriest – she never thought that way. Sure, it was true, Lexa and Anya had, for lack of a better term, grown up on the wrong side of the tracks, but no one ever cared about that. It never mattered. Clarke had never looked at Lexa that way. Where she came from didn’t mean anything. Lexa was always just Lexa. Her best friend. Beautiful and funny. Protective and considerate. Hard-working and ambitious. Just Lexa. She was never noth…

Suddenly the piece began to slide into place. Lexa’s constant obsessive drive. Her need to do better, to be someone and make something of herself. It made perfect sense. Of course that would be her Achilles heel and of course, Clarke would be the one to slice it. A recent conversation with her father echoed in Clarke’s mind and her heart sank into her stomach.

“I was trying to hurt you,” Clarke allowed the realization to fall from her lips.  
“It worked,” Lexa shrugged lightly.

This was too much – all of it and it had been going on for way too long.

Clarke pushed the chessboard aside until it slid off of the table and crashed to the floor, littering the pieces all around. “Okay,” she said as she shook her head. “We can’t do this anymore.”  
Lexa gave her a nod and turned toward the door.  
“No,” Clarke said firmly as she rounded the table. “Stay."  
Lexa's eyes narrowed in confusion.  
"No more bullshit," Clarke said carefully, hoping that Lexa would remember their agreement from long ago.   
Something flickered in Lexa's eyes and she gave her a tiny nod in return.

No more bullshit. They could do this, right?


	26. Chapter 26

Raven: Holy fucking shitballs!!!  
Anya: Raven?  
O: What’s up?  
Monty: Um?  
Raven: Shhh! Hang on!  
Jasper: What’s going on?  
Bellamy: What? You messaged us, remember?  
O: Right?  
Lincoln: Where’d she go?

Lexa was standing in the middle of the living room, glaring at Clarke. Her chest was throbbing and every muscle in her body was insanely tense. There was one part of her desperately wanted to leave and the other part her, well that part just wanted to scream. The whole night had been off, but now – they were just past a point of no return.

“You fucking got on that plane and you never even looked back, Lexa,” Clarke yelled at her from the other side of the living room. “What the hell was I supposed to think?”  
“I tried to call you!” Lexa fired back, unable to keep her voice down. “You wouldn’t listen to me, damn it! I tried to tell you…”  
“The truth?” Clarke interjected quickly. “If you had just done that in the beginning, none of this ever would have happened!  
“I know,” Lexa shot back at her. “Don’t you think that I know that? I have been fucking this up from the moment I had that first fucking call with Nia!”  
“No kidding,” Clarke scoffed as she crossed her arms. “You took that job a week before I even told you how I felt – you knew that you were going to leave and you didn’t say a damn word!”

Fucking Crap.

“I told you,” Lexa set her beer back down on the table and knocked at her sternum. “I was trying to figure out how to tell you and then…”  
“And then I told you how I felt,” Clarke cut her off quickly, “and still – you said nothing. No, you waited another entire week – until the last possible fucking minute, and then you dropped this bomb, not only on me – but on everyone!”  
“I know,” Lexa snapped back at her, “but, I got scared, okay?! After I found out that they were going to have me on the road – I didn’t know what to do.”  
“You should have talked to me!” Clarke told her pointedly. “I would have listened. We could have figured it out – together.”  
Lexa took a deep breath and ran her fingers briskly against her scalp.

Clarke was right. Of course she was right. She could have talked to her – she should have, but she didn’t. She didn’t because she was scared. The pressure of leaving had already had her shaken, but then to find out that Clarke felt the same way that she did, and then the details of the position that she had accepted– it was just too much.

Raven: Staying home tonight = worst decision ever!!  
Anya: What’s wrong?  
Bellamy: What’s going on?  
Jasper: ??  
O: Uh oh.  
O: It’s game night.  
Raven: Yeah and something tells me the game is over!  
O: What do you mean?  
Bellamy: What happened?  
Raven: I don’t know! They’ve been yelling at each other for a while now.  
Monty: :(  
O: Shit.  
Anya: Where are you?  
Raven: In my room. I think that they forgot that I was here.  
Anya: Haha. Damn.  
Lincoln: Ouch.

“All of that shit about it being your shot,” Clarke began, as she came back into the room and dumped an armful of snacks onto the table. “How it was you’re only shot and how you just had to take it.” Snacks were important. They were going to need snacks.  
Lexa visibly cringed. “Yeah, that was shit,” she admitted with a nod. “Well, mostly shit. When I first took the job, I thought that it was a shot – a great shot and I really wanted it. That’s why I took it. I needed it. I was trying to…” she stopped and shook her head. “It doesn’t matter what I was trying to do. The point is…”  
“Bullshit!” Clarke called her out quickly. Nope. Not having it.

Lexa stood in the center of the room, seemingly debating something.

“Look, okay,” Lexa took a sip of her beer and appeared to steady herself. “As far as success goes, I know what you think, but…”  
“Wait,” Clarke cut her off, shaking her head. Nope. “I don’t think what you think I do. I don’t and you’re not,” she told her firmly. “I have never thought of you as less than – never.”  
“But, I did,” Lexa admitted quickly. “I always did. I didn't think that I was enough. I wanted to be more – to be better,” she paused and took a deep breath. “My blind ambition. So, when they approached me with the job, I jumped at it – no questions asked, thinking that I could finally make something of myself, but then the job turned out to be something completely different. It wasn’t a shot, it was a joke and unfortunately it wasn’t only my reputation on the line, but Nia’s too and I just, I couldn’t do that to her.”

The room was silent for a moment. Clarke paced back and forth, just taking in her words. It made sense. All things considered, it made complete sense. Of course Lexa would jump at the opportunity, especially if she felt that way and of course, she wasn’t going to damage her friends reputation because she had fucked up and not properly considered the position before accepting it. Ugh. This idiot. God! She’s so frustrating!

“Okay. I get that you didn’t want to damage Nia’s reputation,” Clarke dropped down into a chair and grabbed a small bag of pretzels. “I’m a professional. I can respect that but, for fucks sake, why the hell did you have to hurt me so badly just to protect her reputation?”  
Lexa shook her head and sat down. “I didn’t hurt you to protect Nia,” she told her quickly. “I...in a sense, I guess I thought that I was protecting you.”  
Clarke’s face twisted up in confusion. The fuck? “I think that you might be using that word incorrectly,” she told her.  
“I couldn’t let you give everything up like that, Clarke.” Lexa shook her head as her eyes misted over. “I just…I couldn’t. I know that what I did was shitty and, I’m so fucking sorry,” a tear slipped out of her eye, “but I knew that were going to throw it all away – for me, and I just – I couldn’t…I didn’t know what else to do! I knew that if I hurt you, you would stay. I just wanted you to stay…to reach your goals and be happy and….”  
Clarke’s eyes went wide as a fury exploded in her chest. She was on her feet in an instant, throwing the pretzels aside – fuck the snacks. “Do I look happy to you?!”

O: Holy shit! You’re trapped in the crazy Clexa House!  
O: Hahahaha!  
Raven: It’s not funny!  
Anya: It’s a little funny.  
Bellamy: I have to agree.  
O: It’s fucking hilarious.  
Jasper: Totally!  
Raven: What do I do???  
O: Hunker down and pray for the sun?  
Jasper: Haha!  
Bellamy: Great idea!  
Raven: Shut up!  
Anya: Just leave.  
Raven: Are you crazy? I’m not going out there!  
Anya: Why not?  
Raven: I choose life!  
Lincoln: The girl’s got a point.  
O: True. The last time I walked in on those two going at it – I totally turned around and left as fast as I could.

“No, you don’t look happy,” Lexa fired back at her. “You look fucking miserable and I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry, because I know that it's my fault. I never,” she paused, almost afraid that Clarke was going to explode at the term. “I didn’t want this for you!”  
“Really?” Clarke’s eyebrows went up. “Because this, is what you gave me – what you left me in,” she shook her head furiously, motioning her hands at nothing in particular. “Then you come back and my whole fucking world gets turned upside down again! You just keep fucking with me!”  
Lexa shook her head. “I wasn’t trying to fuck with you, Clarke,” she insisted quickly. “I swear! I wasn’t!”  
“Then why the hell did you come back here?” Clarke asked painfully as tears filled her eyes.

Lexa stared at her, feeling the weight of that question pressing in on her. But she couldn’t answer it. She couldn’t. Not directly anyway. Clarke was seeing someone else and she wasn’t going to fuck up anything else for her. She wasn’t. She had already hurt her enough. This wasn’t the time.

“I just wanted to come home,” Lexa finally answered, keeping their eyes locked. It wasn’t a lie. After all, to her, Clarke was home.  
“This is all just so exhausting. it's so frustrating because, like, I’m still so fucking mad at you and everything still hurts, but at the same time, now that you’re here and I don’t want you to go away again. It’s so fucked up. It’s all fucked up and I don’t know what to do,” Clarke shook her head, the tear were freely falling now. “I don’t even know what to believe…”  
“Believe that I’m sorry,” Lexa pleaded as she took a step forward with tears still streaming down her cheeks. “If nothing else. Please. Believe that. I know that I’ve fucked up – that I’ve made a mess of everything and that I’ve hurt you…and I don’t… If I could take it back, I…” her voice got trapped in her throat, her words were getting lost. “You don’t have to forgive me, Clarke. You don’t. I won’t ask for that. We can talk, we can argue – fuck, we can just scream at each other like this for hours, if that's what you want, but - just please, believe that I am sorry for hurting you – for everything.”

Raven: This is too much.  
Anya: What now?  
O: Do we need to intervene?  
Raven: I wouldn’t recommend it.   
Raven: Aside from the screaming – there’s definitely tears happening too.  
Monty: :(  
O: Ugh. These two….  
Bellamy: They have a lot of shit to work through.  
Lincoln: Understatement of the year!  
Jasper: Definitely.

Clarke just stared at her. Her eyes were bloodshot and wet, but honest and pleading. The sound of her voices was frantic, but also earnest and there was something sad about her, something small that Clarke hadn't seen in a very long time. Her heart wrenched at the sight and then it hit her.

“I believe you,” Clarke’s voice came out rather hoarse from all of the screaming. “I believe you.”  
Lexa’s entire body trembled as a new rush of tears flooded her eyes. “I’m so sorry, Clarke,” she sobbed, shielding her face for the first time. “I’m so…”

Clarke stayed frozen on the spot. She couldn’t go to her, couldn't comfort her. She just didn’t have it in her. This had been exhausting in every possible way, but she knew that they weren't done yet.

“I’m sorry too,” Clarke told her. “What I said to you, that was a low blow – a really low blow. Not just against you, but Anya too,” she paused and swallowed hard. “I will be apologizing to her as well. She should have knocked me on my fucking…”  
“She doesn't know, Clarke,” Lexa cut her off. “I never told her. I knew that you were drunk,” she shook her head. “It didn't make it any less painful, but I didn't blame you for…”  
“It was a lie, Lexa.” Clarke interjected firmly. “It was hurtful and it was mean. That was too far and the fact that I mentioned your parents,” her voice cracked as she brought her hand to cover her mouth. “That was just completely uncalled for and completely wrong.”  
Lexa shook her head. “I had it coming,” she said as she brushed the moisture off of her cheeks.  
Clarke shook her head. “Not that, Lexa,” she finally caved to weakness that was sweeping through her body and dropped down on to the couch. “Drunk or not, regardless of how hurt I was, you didn't deserve that. No one does.”  
Lexa sat down in a chair on the other side of the room and dropped her head into her hands. She looked equally exhausted. 

Raven: Okay.. It's like, creepy quiet now.  
O: Maybe they're done?  
Anya: Or they've killed each other.  
Monty: Anya…  
Bellamy: So not funny.  
Jasper: Go check on them!  
Raven: Um. No.  
O: Get your ass out there!  
Raven: *whines*  
Anya: Raven!  
Raven: Ugh!  
Raven: Fine!

Lexa looked up from her seat in the living room. This had been one of the most physically and mentally draining things that she had put herself through in a long time and she really hoped that it was over. She honestly wasn't sure how much more she could take tonight. Glancing over, she got her answer. Clarke was asleep on the couch. She had passed out. They were done. 

She should go. She should. She should let Clarke rest. They could talk again tomorrow, if that's what Clarke wanted.

Lexa got to her feet and covered Clarke with a blanket before she began picking up all of the chess pieces that were still scattered around the floor. She was just about to leave, when she realized that she needed to use the bathroom. There was no way that she was going to make it all the way home. 

As she walked down the hallway, she froze when something caught her eye. There on that wall, hanging where her portrait used to, was a large black clock. She stared at it for a moments before realizing that it was actually broken, cracked, clear down the center.

“Hey,” Raven’s strangely soft voice filled her ears.  
Lexa turned and looked at her. “Hey,” she replied quietly. “I’m sorry. I forgot that you were here.”  
“It’s alright,” Raven told her. “Are you okay?”  
Lexa nodded, before glancing back at the clock.  
“She sold it,” Raven told her. “The picture.”  
Lexa looked back at her, feeling her heart crack and slip into some lost place.  
“That's what she told us,” Raven explained, “when she was getting money together for the gallery.”  
Lexa shook her head. The gallery? She didn't understand.  
“Oh,” Raven picked up on her confusion. “You don't know. The gallery that Clarke used to work at. It's hers now. She bought it.”  
“Oh,” Lexa nodded “okay,” she said as she turned and made her way back down the hall. “I’m just going to go. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, Rae. Goodnight.”

Making a beeline through the apartment, Lexa grabbed her jacket and walked out without another word.

By the time she was back in the solitude of her own apartment the tears were just falling without end. Of all of the things that she might have expected – even the things that she might have dreaded – that was never one of them.


	27. Chapter 27

Clarke flinched slightly, opening her eyes and wincing at the crick in her neck. She was in the living room. Why was she in the living room? She readjusted her body and tried to think back. Oh shit. Oh shit, shit shit, shit, shit.

“How’re you feeling?”  
Clarke glanced over to find Raven curled up in a blanket and sitting in the chair with a cup of coffee in her lap.  
“I made you some too,” Raven said as she motioned to the end table.  
Clarke twisted her body a little and grabbed the mug. As she took a sip, the warmth coated and soothed her exceptionally sore throat. It felt good – really fucking good and she was instantly grateful for it.  
“How are you feeling?” Raven asked again.  
Clarke swallowed. “My throat hurts,” she answered quietly. It really did – a lot.  
Raven grinned lightly and shook her head. “I can’t imagine why,” she chuckled. “Feel better, now that you got some of it out of your system?”  
Clarke’s brow furrowed. “How do you…” her eyes went wide as the realization hit her and a quick blush spread across her face. “Oh God. You were still here.”  
Raven nodded in confirmation, but didn't say anything.

Well fuck. Clarke wanted to sink into the floor. How could she have forgotten that they weren't alone? It all just happened so fast – they just got so caught up and, God, they had been so fucking loud.

“So, you heard everything?” Clarke questioned, feeling completely mortified.  
Raven shook her head. “I heard enough,” she answered. “That was – no joke, some seriously scary shit. You two were really, really loud.”  
“Rae,” Clarke shook her head. Fuck. “I’m really…”  
“It’s fine,” Raven assured her quickly. “Lexa already apologized.”  
“Where is she?” Clarke asked curiously as she sat up a bit more and looked around.  
“Home, I would imagine.” Raven replied with a shrug. “She left last night.”  
“Oh,” Clarke dropped her head back onto the couch. Of course she left. Why wouldn't she?  
“I…um,” Raven stared down into her mug. “Okay, just so you know, I might have told her about your picture.”  
Clarke looked up, feeling oddly confused. “What picture?” She asked with a shrug.  
“The one that used to hang in the hall,” Raven pointed at the hallway. “You know, the one of her. I told her that you sold it.”

Clarke felt her jaw clench slightly. Fuck. She wasn’t mad. Not really anyway. It wasn’t a exactly a secret, however, all of the information pertaining to it – well, that information was hers and she wouldn’t be sharing it with anyone – not even with Lexa, should she inquire.

“When I came out of my room, she was in the hallway,” Raven explained, almost sounding nervous, “just staring at your clock and I don’t know – it just came out.”  
“It’s fine, Rae.” Clarke shook her head. “Really. I don’t care that you told her. I’m sure that she would have found out eventually,” she took another sip of her coffee and let her head fall back against the couch.

The night had escalated so quickly, that Clarke was still trying to wrap her brain around it all. One minute they were just playing a game of chess, granted, it was a tense game, but still, and then the next thing she knew, they were screaming at each other – like full on screaming at each other. It was awful – just awful, but at the same time – it was great. Like, really fucking great.

It was raw and real - just pure emotion. It was devastating and liberating all at the same time. Lexa. Holy shit. Lexa was still full of fire. It was good to know - good to see. Though however heart wrenching the whole thing might have been to watch – there was something simply beautiful about seeing Lexa like that – just dropping her shield – all of her shields and allowing herself to be so exposed. She fought back. She actually fought back and let her emotions – her real emotions finally show. Lexa’s pain, it wasn’t just the physical effects of her anxiety. No. It was more than that – it ran deeper than that. It was emotional too and just as real as her own. 

That was something that Clarke had been shocked to see – something that she hadn’t expected and though part of her wanted to pretend that she hadn’t see it, she couldn’t – she just couldn’t because she had. She had seen it and she knew that it was real. All of it. 

Clarke hummed as she readjusted on the couch, feeling a light tingle buzzing through her bones. It was something familiar, something pleasant – something that she hadn’t felt in a very long time and now, she really just needed to do something with it. Without wasting another moment, she hopped off of the couch and quickly went to her room to get changed and then dug around in her closet until she located a the large black tote bag that she hadn’t touched in what felt like forever. “There you are,” she grinned at it.

A few minutes later, as she made her way toward the front door, Raven called out after her.

“What?” Clarke asked as she spun on the spot, just in time to see her coming back into the living room.  
“Where’re you going?” Raven asked her curiously.  
“Work,” Clarke responded quickly.  
“You’re working today?” Raven’s tone held complete confusion.  
“Nope,” Clarke replied simply as she turned and walked out of the apartment.

Thankfully, the ride to the gallery was quick and as soon as Clarke was inside she wasted little time pulling out her large H-frame easel and setting up her supplies. After a good ten minutes of digging in the back she found a huge blank canvas a proceeded to drag it out and set it in place on the easel. A few minutes later the room was filled with music and Clarke set herself to the task, without having the slightest idea what was coming or what she hoped to accomplish. All that she knew was that right here, was where she needed to be and that this, was what she needed to be doing. She stared at the canvas with a brush in her hand and the tiniest of grins on her face. She was ready.

From the moment Clarke dipped the brush into the paint and pressed it to the canvas, she was gone – lost in and endless sea of blending colors and brushstrokes. On occasion, her phone would ring or beep, but she paid it no mind. It didn’t matter. In fact, nothing else mattered, nothing else was important. There was only this. This sense of peace that she found herself engulfed in, this release of creative expression that her soul had been denied for so long – this, was all that mattered.

The day wore on and she just continued to paint. Sometime finding herself laughing, sometimes suddenly realizing that she was crying, but still, she kept painting, reveling in every single moment of it and just losing herself in a zone that she had long forgotten the feel of. As the minutes became hours, day became dusk and then finally turned to darkness, Clarke leaned back against the table with a paintbrush in one hand and a partially eaten slice of pizza in the other, just admiring the image on the canvas before her. 

She had created a massive wooded landscape, with a slight brook winding haphazardly through the center and evidence of a passing storm that could still be seen in the distance littered the ground. It was light and dark. The darkness departing and making way for the light. It was a perfect representation for everything that she was currently feeling.

Taking out her phone, Clarke snapped a quick photo and fired off a quick text. Only a few moments later, her phone came to life with a reply.

Niylah: It’s beautiful.  
Clarke: Thank you.  
Niylah: It's been a long time.  
Clarke: I know. I don't know – it just, hit me.  
Niylah: Would it have anything to do with your game night?  
Clarke: The game was a disaster. We ended up screaming at each other.  
Niylah: Good. Sometimes, that helps.

Clarke stared at the message and then looked back at her painting, unable to suppress the tiny grin that was playing on her face. She could still feel that familiar tingle buzzing through her bones and she really hoped that it wasn’t going to stop. In fact, she was ready to give just about anything to ensure that she didn't lose it again. It was like somehow, something had broken free during her and Lexa’s screaming match and she had no desire to lock it back up again. 

Clarke: Actually, I think it did.


	28. Chapter 28

Lexa was sitting in at a small table in Grounders, furiously pounding at the keys on her laptop. Several days had passed since her screaming match with Clarke and really, they had all been shit and now, she was just like a little ball of uncontrollable emotion, bouncing all over the damn place. The hustle and bustle of her office had become a bit overwhelming and her apartment seemed way too stifling at the moment, so here she was – tucked into the corner of the all too well known coffeehouse, just hoping to actually get some work done. 

“Hey squirt,” Anya said as she dropped down in the chair across from her.  
“Don’t call me that,” Lexa responded through her clenched teeth, though she never took her eyes off of the screen.  
“Of course,” Anya nodded with an all to telling smirk. “Shouldn’t you be at work?”  
“I am working,” Lexa answered as her fingers continued to pound at the keys. “Or at least, I’m trying to.”  
Anya rolled her eyes. “Look, I know about what happened the other night…”  
“Of course you do,” Lexa cut her off, “Let me guess – the fabulous Raven Reyes broadcasted the show live?”  
Anya’s eyes narrowed quickly.  
Shit.

Okay, so, she was being a bitch and she knew it. She knew it. She felt angry and out of control and it just wasn’t going away. She knew that it was a pointless anger and that really, she had no right to even be angry, but she just couldn’t help it. 

Learning that Clarke had sold the sketch of her had hit her harder than she ever would have expected. She had loved the picture just as much as she thought that Clarke had, but now, to find out that she had just sold it. To know that it was hanging in some strange place, owned by some strange person – by someone who wasn’t Clarke. No. Just, no. That knowledge just made her blood boil and her heart ache, even though a rational little voice in the back of her head kept reminding her that it was, in fact, Clarke’s work and that she had every right to do whatever she wanted with it. She knew that it was right. She knew that it was true. She knew it, but still. 

Clarke sold it! That piece of all pieces! Without even consulting her? Why would she – how could she do that?

“I’m sorry,” Lexa said, shaking the thoughts for her head. “I’m in a mood and I don’t mean to take it out on you.”  
Anya nodded. “Fair enough,” she told her.   
“She sold the portrait,” Lexa said without looking at her. “You didn’t tell me.”  
“I knew that it would hurt you,” Anya responded as she set her cup down.  
“It did,” Lexa acknowledged. “It does,” she quickly clarified. “Do you know who bought it?”  
Anya shook her head. “She never said.”  
Lexa felt a jealous fury humming in her chest. “I want it back,” she told her.  
Anya only nodded, clearly not knowing what else to say.

A little while later, Anya departed and shortly thereafter, Lexa closed her laptop in defeat – she wasn’t really accomplishing anything. The day had been a total waste and she was just wound way too tight to really focus on anything. She sat there for a few minutes debating on what to do next, before settling on a quite night in. Yep. Just a night to relax with some lite music, too much takeout and perhaps even, just a little too much wine. Collecting all of her stuff, Lexa set off to pick up a few things before making her way back to the solitude of her apartment.

Just as the sun was setting, Lexa entered the lobby of her building with a rather large bag of takeout tucked under one arm and a bottle of wine tucked under the other. She made her way to the elevator and awkwardly pushed her elbow against the call button.

“Hey,” Echo said to her as she came through the door.   
“Hey Echo,” Lexa glanced at her and pushed the call button again. “Sometimes, I swear, this thing takes forever.”  
“I totally agree,” Echo laughed. “So, what are you up to tonight?”  
“Hoping to unwind,” Lexa chuckled. “Food, wine, maybe some music.”  
“That sounds nice,” Echo nodded as she readjusted the strap of her bag. “Smells good too.”  
Lexa hadn’t missed how Echo’s eyes had glanced at the bag and a sudden thought popped into her head. “You could join me, if you’d like,” she told her.  
“Yeah?” Echo eyed her rather skeptically.  
“Yeah,” Lexa told her quickly, “I really bought way more than I can eat on my own.” She totally did.  
“Alright then,” Echo smiled pleasantly. “Thanks. That sounds great.”

A few minutes later Lexa was standing in her kitchen, pouring two glasses of wine as Echo began to unload some of the food out of the bag and place it on the table. This would be good. It would be nice to just sit down and share a relaxing meal with someone who wasn’t all mixed up in all of the madness that she had created.

“So, are you settling in alight?” Echo asked curiously.  
“Yeah. I guess so,” Lexa answered as she held out a glass of wine to her. “It’s a little weird. Everything is so different and yet still the same.”  
“Thank you,” Echo nodded as she took the glass. “I can completely see how that would be weird.”  
“Yeah,” Lexa chuckled as she turned to grab some plates from the upper cabinet and they sat down.

Lexa had been right. The night had been very nice. They took their time picking through the abundance of food that she had purchased and talking about everything from the building, to their jobs and even their hobbies, which to Echo’s amusement was a topic that Lexa had very little to say anything about. 

“You really should try to get out a little more,” Echo told her as she placed her plate in the sink. “Really. It’s good for you.”  
“Eh,” Lexa shrugged. “I much prefer the solitude anymore.”  
Echo chuckled and shook her head. “Guess I’m just going to have to crack that shell of yours,” she told her.  
“Ha, good luck with that.” Lexa scoffed playfully as she turned to retrieve some storage containers for the leftovers from the cabinet. Turning back however, she found Echo in a much closer proximity than she had been before and instantly, she froze. “Echo?”  
“You know, I’ve been meaning to ask you,” Echo said, almost sheepishly. “Are you seeing anyone?”  
Lexa felt her heart jump up into her throat. “No,” she answered quickly. “I’m not, but…”  
“I was hoping that you’d say that,” Echo told her with a smile as she leaned in closer, her eyes fluttering shut.

Lexa’s mind reeled. Uh-uh. Nope. Not happening. Shit. She inched back a bit and quickly cleared her throat.

Echo’s eyes opened slowly, holding both a look of disappointment and slight embarrassment.  
“Echo, I’m flattered, really I am, but,” Lexa she shook her head, “I can’t,” she finished and held her breath. Fuck.   
Echo released a slight sigh, but her lips twisted into a slight smirk and an understanding seemed to fill her eyes. “It’s Clarke,” she said knowingly, “isn’t it?”  
Lexa didn't say anything, but she couldn't help the light blush flushed across her face as a pang of emotion fired off in her chest. God, was she really that obvious?  
“Well, I can’t pretend that I’m not disappointed, but, I get it.” Echo’s voice was not at all harsh, “I’ve seen the way that you look at her.”  
“I’m sorry,” Lexa’s brow furrowed a little, “and I really hope that that this doesn’t mean that you won’t want to hang out again, because this was actually kind of nice.”  
“It was,” Echo agreed with a nod, "and no, it doesn’t mean that. I’m a big girl, Lexa. I can handle some rejection from time to time,” she grinned. “Besides, I enjoy hanging out with you too. Now come on, let’s get this cleaned up. I’ll take care of the dishes.”  
Lexa smiled and gave her a nod as she picked up a couple of the containers and moved back toward the counter where she began to repackage them. Leftovers always went in sealable containers – that, was a must.

Not long after, just as Echo was finishes up cleaning the few dishes that they had dirtied, Lexa moved to retrieve the last couple containers from the table. Unfortunately, on her way back to the counter, her foot caught on the leg of one of the chairs and she stumbled forward, watching as if in slow motion, as the containers slipped from her hands and crashed to the floor, exploding on impact and covering the front on her shirt in a now very cold red sauce. “Fucking crap,” Lexa gasped as she pulled the wet fabric away from her body. “That’s cold!”  
Echo stared at her with wide eyes and then instantly clapped her hand over her mouth.  
Lexa scowled lightly, though she wasn't really angry. “You think that’s funny?”   
Echo shook her head no, but her eyes told a completely different story and quickly her laughter filled the room. “I’m sorry,” she shook her head again.  
“This is just my luck,” Lexa groaned as she rolled her eyes and chuckled in spite of herself.  
Echo grabbed a towel and slapped it against playfully her arm. “Go change, you klutz,” she smiled. “I’ve got this.”  
“You sure?” Lexa asked as she began undoing the buttons on her shirt.  
Echo nodded as she knelt down and began to clean up. “Go on.”  
“Thanks,” Lexa told her as she turned and moved down the hallway, eager to get the now clinging garment off of her body.

After spending a few minutes treating what she was sure would be a great stain anyway, Lexa crossed into her room and began to look for a fresh shirt when she heard a knocking coming from the living room. “Can you grab that?” She called to Echo as she hastily chose a shirt and stuffed her arms into it before quickly making her way back down the hallway as she did up the buttons. Reentering the living room though, she froze on the spot when her eyes fell on something that she didn’t expect.

Clarke was standing in the front doorway with a large canvas in her hand and fire burning in her eyes. 

What the..? How the hell...? Note to self: Murder Raven. 

Lexa’s eye floated from Clarke to Echo and back again and she knew exactly what Clarke was thinking. Fuck. It wasn’t Clarke’s business. It wasn’t, but still, with everything that had happened and everything that was happening - just, fuck.

“Clarke,” Lexa began cautiously as she stepped into the room, quickly doing up the last few buttons on her shirt.   
“I just wanted to drop this off,” Clarke cut her off rather coldly as she leaned the canvas against the wall with the back facing out. “I remembered that wall from the picture that you sent,” she explained motioning to the other side of the room.  
“Oh,” Lexa blinked, feeling so surprised that she instantly forgot what she was going to say. Really? “Thank you,” the words simply tumbled from her lips.  
Clarke stared at her for another second and then gave her a curt nod. “See you around,” she said before turning and walking away.

Shaking her head, Lexa walked forward and flipped the canvas around, eager to see what was on it. A second later, her jaw dropped at the beauty of the landscape that covered it and she knelt down, trying to take it all in. It was simply incredible, with the most amazing amount of detail imaginable, and it made her heart flutter and ache all at the same time. She had no idea how long she stared at it - time just seemed to melt away. God, the way that Clarke could capture things. She just…

Lexa suddenly snapped out of her hazing thoughts and shook her head. “Fucking shit,” she muttered as she jumped to her feet and bolted from the apartment.


	29. Chapter 29

Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Clarke moved quickly down the hallway, feeling completely embarrassed. Fuck. She should have called first or maybe even sent a text - something. She should have, she knew that now, but she hadn’t because honestly, she really didn’t even think about it. In fact, it never even occurred to her to call ahead. Shit. It should have. It totally should have. Fuck. All that she wanted to do was give Lexa the painting – that was all. It was a ridiculous idea – insane even, she knew that, but she couldn’t help it. 

Clarke had tried for so long to create something – anything and every time, she failed. Completely failed. Every. Fucking. Time. But now, something was different – something had changed and as crazy as it sounded, she gave the credit for that change to the screaming match that she had gotten into with Lexa and then by default, Lexa herself. Though it didn’t make any sense and she didn’t really understand what had happened or what had changed – the fact was that she was grateful for it and really, all that she wanted to do was just show that. 

Finally reaching the elevator, Clarke pushed frantically at the call button. She needed to get out of there before she melted into the floor. She felt overheated and frustrated, and she just really wanted to disappear. To just get the hell out of there and go home or go anywhere. It didn’t even matter. Anywhere, would be better than here. Thankfully, the doors opened quickly and she moved inside, firmly pressing the lobby button and then leaning against the back wall. Fuck. She let out a heavy sigh and watched as the doors began to close, then suddenly, just before the met in the middle, she could have sworn she saw a flash of wild dark waves.

Lexa?

Clarke lunged forward and tried to stop the doors from closing, but it was too late. Fuck. Brushing her fingers through her hair, she sighed again. Oh well. It was probably a good thing that she didn’t catch the doors in time, because really, she wasn’t exactly sure that she trusted herself to speak at the moment. Everything in her head was quickly becoming fucked up – all fucked up and she just wanted to go. No. She needed to go.

Fucking Echo. Ugh. Really? She shouldn’t have been surprised – not really. She already knew that they lived in the same building and also that they had spent, at least some, amount of time together, but seeing it – fuck, seeing it just sucked. There was something about Echo that had always just rubbed Clarke wrong. Well no, okay – not totally true. There had been a time where she had actually like Echo, but that disappeared the day that Echo set her sights on Lexa with the most obvious fuck me eyes ever. After that – nope, no more. Clarke dropped her head back against the wall and let out a huff. Well fuck, looks like Echo finally got what she wanted. And with that thought, a sudden rush of nausea hit her and she took a deep breath to try and stifle the feeling in her stomach. She really needed to get the fuck out of there, like – now. 

When the doors finally opened to the lobby Clarke wasted no time and immediately moved toward the exit. She needed to get away from there. This was a stupid idea and now she just needed to go.

“Clarke!” Lexa’s voice filled her ears.  
Clarke turned to see her emerging from the stairwell and froze on the spot. Seriously? Come on! Fucking crap. “Lexa,” she shook her head. “I should have called…” she paused suddenly, taking in the look of her.

Something was off. Lexa was standing rigidly, with her shoulders squared and her jaw set – like she was ready for a fight. Her green eyes were dark and piercing and the moment that Clarke met them, she knew something was up. This wasn’t the same fire that she had seen during their screaming match, no, this was something else. Lexa was angry – really angry. Well shit, this should be interesting. Sure, why not? Let’s do it. Clarke straightened her spine and waited for Lexa to speak. 

“So,” Lexa said as she stepped forward, her tone was thick with venom. “Did you paint that for me to make up for selling my picture?”  
Clarke’s eyes instantly narrowed. You have got to be kidding. She did not just say that. “No,” she answered simply. “I have no reason to make up for that and just to be clear, I didn’t specifically paint it for you and – the picture that I sold, was mine. Mine.”  
Lexa’s eye twitched little, but she held her stare. “If you didn't paint it for me, then why give it to me?” Her tone was as hard as her eyes.  
Clarke took a deep breath. Ugh, here we go. “Because,” she crossed her arms in front of her. “It’s the first thing that I’ve been able to paint in over a year and I think that the only reason that I was able to do it was because of what happened the other night – because of you.” 

Yep – totally leaving out the thank you. Fuck that.

Lexa chewed on the inside of her cheek, seemingly digesting the answer. “You had no right to sell that picture,” she finally said.  
Clarke stared at her, feeling her own annoyance building in her stomach. Mhm – this woman had clearly lost her mind. “I had every right,” she bit back. “I drew it. It was mine.”  
“If you needed the money so badly, you could have just called me,” Lexa responded angrily. “I, would have bought it.”  
Clarke shook her head. Pfft. Yeah – no way that would have happened. “What I do with my work is none of your business, Lexa,” she told her pointedly.  
“Who bought it?” Lexa asked her quickly.  
“What part of none of your business was unclear?” Clarke dropped her arms to her sides and stepped forward.  
“The name,” Lexa demanded loudly as a fire flashed in her eyes.  
Clarke glared back at her, feeling her jaw set and eyebrow pop lightly, shook her head.

Okay – Lexa wasn’t angry. Nope. This was not anger. This was way beyond that. She was pissed off and though Clarke was sure that it was a mistake – she was loving every single second of it. She couldn’t help it. Lexa looked like she was about to burst and it was fucking amazing.

“Just tell me who the fuck bought it so that I can go and talk to them,” Lexa held her stare.  
Clarke ‘s face twisted up a bit. The fuck? “Talk to them,” she echoed. “About what?”  
“I want to make them an offer,” Lexa explained quickly. “I want to buy it.”  
Oh, hell no. That, was not happening. “No,” Clarke shook her head instantly.  
“Clarke,” Lexa began impatiently.  
“I said no,” Clarke cut her off rather loudly. Not even hearing this shit.  
“I want it back,” Lexa told her through her clenched teeth.  
Clarke couldn’t even suppress the smug grin that formed on her face. Oh yeah, she was enjoying this way too much. “You can’t have it,” she responded firmly. 

She was being a bitch, and she knew it, but right now – she didn’t care. There was no way in hell that Lexa was getting that picture. 

“I’m so glad that you’re enjoying this,” Lexa growled at her, clearly becoming more pissed off.  
“What do you want me to say?” Clarke shrugged before crossing her arms again.  
“I want you to tell me who bought my picture,” Lexa snapped at her.  
“My picture,” Clarke reminded her quickly, “and that, is not going to happen.”  
“Why the hell not?!” Lexa fired at her. “Obviously you didn’t want it!”  
“My financial affairs are none of your fucking business!” Clarke fired back. Seriously – this woman. Now she was starting to piss her off.  
“Clarke, I don't give a shit about your financial affairs,” Lexa rolled her eyes and shook her head. “Please. All that I care about is the picture.”  
“Too bad, so sad,” Clarke’s eyebrows went up as she gave her a very unsympathetic shrug. “Still not doing it.” Nope. Not a fucking chance. 

She could see the hurt written all over Lexa’s face and part of her wanted to care. Really, it did, and perhaps she even actually did – just a little, but it wasn’t enough. Nope. Not even close to enough. 

“God, you’re being such an unbelievable asshole,” Lexa finally told her with a heavy sigh as she pushed her hair back out of her face.  
“Hey, what can I say?” Clarke smiled and raised her hands. “I learned from the best.”  
Lexa’s eyes narrowed instantly. “Go fuck yourself, Clarke,” she told her through her clenched teeth.  
“Why would I do that?” Clarke shook her head and held her smile, “My needs are already being taken care of perfectly,” she winked – hoping that it would sting. It was shit and she knew that it was shit, but it was totally fucking irrelevant because now, she was pissed off too. Turning on her heel, she walked away without another word, leaving Lexa looking like she had just been slapped.

Good. 

Once outside in her car though, Clarke was quickly overtaken by a completely different rush of emotions and not knowing what to do with them, she punched at the steering wheel furiously. This was not at all how things were supposed to go tonight – not that she had a fucking clue what she expected to happen when she knocked on Lexa’s door, but still! 

Tears suddenly formed in her eyes and she let out a frustrated groan as she punched the steering wheel again. “Damn it,” she muttered to herself.

Damn it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone else guilty of smiling during an argument?
> 
> Screws me every time.


	30. Chapter 30

Lexa stood in the lobby and watched as Clarke walked out. Okay. Well. Damn. Taking a deep breath, she turned and pressed the call button on the elevator. That did not go well – not at all, but she was angry and damn it – this time, she wasn’t going to hide it. She had every right to be upset that the picture was gone – after all, it was her naked body in the fucking thing and even though they had never discussed it, Clarke knew very damn well how important that picture was to her. It had always been important to her – to both of them, or so she thought. 

Stepping into the elevator, Lexa pressed the button for her floor and shook her head. Clarke had created the sketch shortly after the first time that they slept together and even though neither of them had ever made a big deal about the fact that they had sex – it had really taken the closeness of their relationship to an entirely different level – a level that no one else really understood or could even touch. Though having sex never effected their day to day friendship – their relationship definitely became stronger afterward and that picture – that amazingly beautiful picture, marked the moment that changed them both forever. The thought of it being owned by anyone else or of it just ending up lost somewhere made her feel sick and angry and she just wanted it back – back with either of them, she didn’t even really care. She had been wrong to demand that Clarke tell her who had the picture, she knew that, but she couldn’t help it. She just wanted it back.

Finally making it back into her apartment, Lexa was relieved to find that Echo had already left, even though she did feel a little bad about leaving her standing there like that. She’d be sure to apologize later – it was rude and she knew, but in that moment – all that she could think of was confronting Clarke. Crossing the room, Lexa grabbed a cigarette and stepped out onto the balcony. 

What an insane fucking rollercoaster they were riding on. One minute things were fine – or rather, mostly fine and the next moment – chaos. She flicked her thumb against the filter of her cigarette and suddenly felt slight grin pull at her lips as a realization flooded her mind. She wasn’t in pain – at least, not physical pain. With everything that had just happened, she should be in pain. Where’s the pain? Bringing her hand up, Lexa rubbed her fingertips against her sternum – yep, still able to feel so, why didn’t it hurt? It always hurts. Strange.

Snuffing out her cigarette, Lexa walked back into the apartment and slid the balcony door closed. Clarke could definitely fight dirty when she wanted to and damn it, if it didn’t sting. It wasn’t like it was news that Clarke was sleeping with someone else – she had a girlfriend, obviously they were sleeping together, but still, fucking crap. She wasn’t angry with her – not really. They were both being pretty ridiculous and she knew that eventually Clarke would find a way to shut the conversation down completely. Hell, she had told her to go fuck herself – she might as well have asked her to aim low.

“Perfectly taken care of my ass,” Lexa muttered as she crossed through the kitchen and dimmed the lights before making her way down the hall to her bedroom. 

After getting ready to turn in for the night, Lexa dropped down on to the air mattress and flipped the blanket over her body. Her head was still buzzing with everything that had happened and though there were a lot of things that she was unsure of anymore, there was one thing that she knew without a doubt – no one could take care of Clarke’s needs the way that she could. No one else knew her so intimately and the thought made her chuckle because she also knew that deep down, Clarke knew it too. 

Hours later…

Lexa blinked awake as her phone started buzzing and beeping in her ear. She checked the time. It was late – really late. What the hell?

Raven: Sooooo…  
Lexa: Rae? What the hell?   
Raven: Well, I’ve been stuck sitting here at Azgeda for hours now, so – you want to tell me what you did?

Lexa stared at the message. What she did? She hadn’t done anything.

Lexa: What are you talking about?  
Raven: Well, there’s only one person on the planet who can reduce Clarke to a pile of mush and that, is you – so, what'd you do?

Fuck. 

Lexa: We had another fight.  
Raven: Duh?  
Lexa: If you already know then why are you asking.  
Raven: Because I can.  
Raven: And just let me say that I am so fucking tired of watching you two do this to each other. It’s so stupid. 

Lexa shuffled up and leaned against the wall. She knew that it was stupid – but fuck, if it didn’t just keep happening!

Lexa: You do realize how late it is?  
Raven: You do realize that I’m the one that’s been stuck with an emotional Clarke all night?

Lexa stared at the message and weighed it out. Yeah, okay – Raven definitely had the rougher end. 

Lexa: I was upset about her selling the picture and I kind of went after her about it. It was ugly.   
Raven: It’s just a picture.  
Lexa: It’s more than just a picture. It always has been.  
Lexa: I just – I can’t believe that she would actually sell it.  
Raven: Kind of like how she couldn’t believe that you would actually leave?

Lexa frowned at the message. Totally not fair, even if it was true.

Lexa: Yeah, kind of like that.  
Raven: You two are so ridiculous. You both want the same fucking thing and yet you keep fighting each other every step of the way. If one of you would just ease the fuck up…  
Lexa: Look, I’ll admit that I was being a jerk – I was angry, but she was being totally unreasonable – she wouldn’t even tell me who bought it!   
Raven: She won’t tell anyone. Her work – her business.  
Lexa: I know! I just – I hate the idea of someone else owning it. It’s special.  
Raven: I get it.   
Raven: Now here’s something for you to get – Your ass, over here – now.

Lexa stared at the phone and shook her head as though Raven could see her. Um – no.

Lexa: Are you crazy? I’m the last person that she’ll want to see.   
Raven: You act like she hates you.  
Lexa: Maybe she does.  
Raven: Ha – imagine that. Look, you know what you know, I know what I know – now just trust me and get your ass over here.   
Lexa: I’m not coming over there.  
Raven: Hmm. Okay. I’ll tell you what – you can either come over here and help me with her or I can drop her on your doorstep and just be on my merry way.  
Raven: Choose.

Fucking crap. Nope! The last thing that she wanted was to be stuck with a possibly wasted and furious Clarke for the rest of the night. 

Lexa: I’ll be there in ten minutes.  
Raven: See – you’re not always stupid.

Nine and a half minutes later, Lexa was crossing the threshold into Azgeda and the first thing that her eyes fell on was Clarke. She was sitting at the end of the bar, with her head down and Raven appeared to be petting her head. Taking a deep breath, Lexa approached with caution.

“Hey there, Commander,” Raven smiled at her. “Fancy meeting you here.”  
“Lexa?” Clarke looked up, her eyes were so wide and innocent. “You’re here,” she said softly as her eyes misted over slightly, but then she smiled – smiled as though she were actually relieved to see her. Yep, definitely drunk.  
“Come on, Clarke.” Raven said as she got to her feet. “Let’s get you home.”  
“Okay,” Clarke said as she stood up, instantly wrapping an arm around Lexa’s waist.  
Lexa froze, unsure of what to do or what was going to happen next and then she damn near melted when Clarke’s fingers gently touched her cheek.  
“I missed your face,” Clarke told her quietly.  
Lexa swallowed hard, feeling every nerve ending in her body suddenly buzz as a flood of tears rushed to her eyes, she blinked quickly, hoping to keep them from falling. 

Holy shit. What the hell? Lexa let her gaze go to Raven who gave her an – I told you so – look and shook her head.

Lexa shook her head an tried to focus as she maneuvered them out of the bar. Clarke, for her part, was being very obedient, even though she still had her head buried in Lexa’s neck and a death grip on her shirt as she leaned on her for support. 

Just as they were approaching Clarke’s car, Lexa felt Clarke push in a little closer. “Why are you such a jerk?” Clarke’s whispered words filled her ears.  
Lexa grinned a little and shook her head. “Probably for the same reasons that you are,” she told her.  
Clarke nodded. “We suck,” she acknowledged.  
“We do,” Lexa agreed.   
“I’m so tired,” Clarke sighed.  
Lexa nodded. She got it. She was just as tired – tired of this. 

Finally reaching the car, Raven slipped her fingers into Clarke’s jacket pocket and retrieved her keys. She unlocked the passenger door and stepped aside to give Lexa room to maneuver Clarke into the seat. Getting her in was easy enough – getting her to let go however, that was proving to be a little more difficult.

“Clarke,” Lexa told her softly as she pulled at her wrist. “It’s okay. You can let go.”  
“I don’t want to,” Clarke shook her head and tightened her grip. “You’ll leave,” a tear slipped out of her closed eyes.  
Lexa’s heart dropped a bit. “Shhh,” she rubbed her thumbs against the tops of Clarke's hands and then brushed the tear away. “It’s okay,” she repeated.  
A moment later Clarke released a satisfied sigh as her hand slipped and fell into her lap – she was done.   
Lexa stared at her for a moment and them tucked a few strands of hair behind her ear. Damn.  
“Come on,” Raven’s voice filled her ears. “I’d like to get home sometime tonight.”  
“Will you need help getting her into the apartment?” Lexa asked as she stepped back and closed the door.  
“Don’t kid yourself, Commander,” Raven grinned as she walked around to the driver’s side of the car. “I didn’t need help getting her to the car.”  
Lexa shook her head. “Then why…”  
“You know what you know, I know what I know,” Raven grinned. “Sometimes, it’s easier to see things when someone shoves it right in your face.”  
Lexa just stared at her. Seriously?  
“You both need to stop being so scared all the time,” Raven told her as she unlocked the driver’s side door. “You’re only making it worse. You know why you really came back here, Lexa. Fucking do something about it already.”  
Lexa nodded, taking in her words. Fuck. She knew that Raven was right, but it was so hard not to be scared.  
“I told you that she doesn’t hate you,” Raven winked before getting in the car and driving away.

Lexa pulled out her cigarettes and took on in her teeth. What a fricken day this had turned out to be. Lighting her cigarette, she briskly ran her fingers through her currently wild mass of hair and walked back toward Azgeda, feeling quite glad that she had grabbed her wallet on her way out the door as now she was the one who needed a drink. Work would probably suck tomorrow, but it would be fine - she'd get through it. She was pretty sure that she wasn’t going to be sleeping anymore tonight anyway. She knew that what Raven hinted at was right – she knew exactly why she came back, but God, if the thought of being rejected by Clarke wasn’t scary enough – the thought of fucking up Clarke’s life even more was just downright terrifying.

A little while later, as she was about halfway through her second drink, Lexa started to notice a woman sitting at the other side of the bar. She was an attractive woman with honest eyes and a warm smile and she seemed to be watching her. Crap. Here we go again. Truth be told, Lexa was attractive and she knew that she was attractive, but really – she had no interest in jumping into bed with anyone.

“Do you mind if I sit here?” The woman’s voice suddenly filled Lexa’s ears and broke her out of her thoughts.  
Lexa blinked and looked up at her. There was something familiar about her. “Um,” her brow furrowed lightly. “I guess not.” She didn’t want to be rude after all.  
The woman smiled at her and slipped onto the stool. “I’m Niylah,” she told her as she extended her hand.  
“Lexa,” Lexa responded at she shook her hand and turned her attention back to her drink.  
“Lexa?” Niylah voice had a touch of surprise as she eyed her curiously. “Clarke’s Lexa?”  
Lexa eyes snapped back over to her. What the hell? "I'd hardly call myself Clarke’s anything,” she replied coolly.  
“Really?" Niylah smiled and shook her head lightly. “That’s funny, because I'm quite certain that you’re actually her everything.”

As Niylah turned in her seat a little, Lexa got a better view of her profile and suddenly a bell went off in her head. Shit. This was the woman that she had seen with Clarke all of those weeks ago, which meant that… Oh no. Lexa felt her stomach drop out. This was Clarke’s girlfriend.

“Listen,” Lexa shook her head quickly. Fuck, this was awkward. “I know who you are and I’m sorry. I'm not trying to…”  
“Lexa,” Niylah put up her hand and smiled again. “I can already tell that you have no idea who I am.”  
“You’re Clarke’s…” Lexa began.  
“Friend,” Niylah cut her off. “I’m her friend.”  
Lexa felt her jaw slip a bit as she stared at the woman feeling nothing but utter confusion.

Wait, what?


	31. Chapter 31

Clarke rolled over in her bed and groaned a little as the room seemed to move around her. Jesus fucking Christ. As she laid there trying to adjust to being awake an image of Lexa’s face filled her hazy mind and caused her eyes to snap open. A dream. It had to be a dream. Oh please, let it have just been a dream. Rolling over her head gave a long throb and she knew – she knew that it hadn't been a dream. She could see it all unfolding in her mind as though she was watching a movie and a shiver slipped down her spine. Fuck. Her guard dropped way too low last night. Raven should have cut her off. Damn it, she should have cut herself off. So stupid. 

Sitting up, Clarke quickly gripped the mattress as the room tilted slightly. Shit. She had really outdone herself this time. Too much – way too much. “Raven?” She called out loudly.  
A moment later, Raven came walking into the room smiling and handed her a bottle of water. “How you feeling there?”  
“Like death,” Clarke replied dryly as she uncapped the bottle and took a long sip.  
“You did it to yourself,” Raven told her with a slick grin.  
“I totally did,” Clarke chuckled in spite of herself. “So, Lexa?” No point in beating around the bush.  
“Ah,” Raven smiled again as she dropped down on to the bed. “You do remember then.”  
“Oh, I remember.” Clarke nodded. Damn it. “I wish that I didn't though.”  
“Why’s that?” Raven questioned her curiously.  
Clarke shrugged a little and took another sip of her water. “It would just be easier,” she told her.  
“You know,” Raven sighed as she learned back on her hands, “you make her think that you hate her.”  
“I do,” Clarke responded quickly.  
“No, you don't,” Raven told her.  
“I don't,” Clarke admitted without missing a beat and shook her head.  
“Then why?” Raven questioned her with a shrug.  
“Because, sober me is smarter,” Clarke explained with a shrug as she got to her feet. “What’s that smell?”  
“Breakfast,” Raven answered as she stood up. “O’s cooking.”  
“Nice!” Clarke grinned as she slipped into a pair of sweats. “I seriously need food.”

A moment later the pair of them walked into the kitchen to find Octavia setting several plates on the table, she smiled at them as they walked in.

“Why aren’t you at work?” Clarke asked her curiously.  
“I’m off today,” Octavia shrugged at her. “When I heard about your night, I figured that you’d need some help recovering. We all know how much you love my cooking.”  
“I do love your cooking,” Clarke nodded as she dropped down into a chair.  
“Here you go,” Raven said as she placed a cup of coffee in front of her and sat down.  
“Thank you,” Clarke told her as she brought the mug to her lips and took a small sip – so good. 

They ate in silence for the next few minutes and Clarke braced herself for what she knew would be coming next. She had no doubt that Raven would have told Octavia about what had happened the previous night, and she was pretty sure that everyone probably already knew about her and Lexa's explosive game night, because, well, Raven was there and Raven's Raven.

“So, how long are you two going to keep torturing each other?” Octavia finally broke the silence.  
Clarke simply shrugged. She barely had a clue what the hell her and Lexa were doing, let alone how long it would last. 

The whole thing was completely ridiculous and she knew that, but at the same time, it just seemed like this was simply what they did now and though didn’t make a shits bit of sense and she knew it was stupid, she’d take it. She’d take it because it was something and something was better than nothing.

“You know that you want to be with her,” Raven said pointedly, “so why don’t you just tell her?”  
“Stop it,” Clarke glared at her quickly. “I don’t want to be with her.” Been there, done that - never again.  
“Bullshit,” Raven shook her head and took a forkful of eggs into her mouth. “You want her, she wants you – sort your shit out and get to the good part already.”  
“I’m with her on this one,” Octavia nodded. “It’s so painfully obvious.”  
Clarke rolled her eyes. Ha. Shows what they know. “Believe me, Lexa doesn’t want me,” she replied quickly.  
Octavia let out a breathy chuckle and shook her head.  
“Are you kidding?” Raven stared at her. “Of course she does. Why do you think she came back?”

Because she wanted to be home. Duh? At least, that’s what she had said. Lexa wasn’t here for her, she just wanted to come home. She didn’t come back for her – she didn’t and Clarke wasn’t about to fool herself into believing that she had. She wouldn’t and anyway, it didn’t even matter if she had because no – just no. Hell no. Not going there. Not again.

“Guys,” Clarke released a heavy sigh. For fuck’s sake. “Look – just leave it alone, okay? I know what I’m talking about here. Believe it or not, I actually asked her why she came back and the answer wasn’t me,” she told them as she snatched a piece of bacon off of her plate. “Besides, I’m pretty sure she and Echo have something going on.”  
“What?” Raven’s brow furrowed instantly. “Echo?”  
“The fuck?” Octavia’s face twisted up as she shook her head. “No way. I don’t buy it.”  
“Yeah well,’ Clarke shrugged sharply. “I kind of walked in on them last night, so…”  
“You didn’t mention that,” Raven shook her head.  
“Well, I didn’t want to think about it.” Clarke admitted quietly. She really didn’t. In fact, it was the last thing that she wanted to think about. “I mean, it was my own fault. I probably should have really called first or something, but,” she paused and shrugged. “It was awkward as hell and all that I wanted to do was get out of there. I felt totally stupid and embarrassed.” Not to mention sick – totally sick.

Granted, it was true – just like her, Lexa was obviously free to sleep with whoever she chose, but God, if she didn’t wish that it had been anyone other than fucking Echo. Anyone – anyone at all, or no one at all. Yeah. That would be even better. Perfect even.

“So, Rae said that you brought her a painting,” Octavia’s voice broke into her thoughts. “What’s that about?”  
Clarke took a deep breath. “Lexa and I got into a bit of a screaming match a few nights ago,” she paused and rolled her eyes at Octavia. “Don’t even pretend that you don’t already know about it,” she said tossing a glance at Raven.  
“Okay. You're right,” Octavia nodded. “I do.”  
“Anyway,” Clarke continued, “the following morning I just – I finally felt that itch again, so I went down to the gallery and just spent the day painting.”  
“And then gave the picture to Lexa?” Octavia gave her a funny look. “Why?”  
“Just because,” Clarke shook her head lightly and continued eating. She didn’t want to try to explain. Really, she wasn’t even sure that she could.  
“Alright then,” Octavia nodded. “But, it didn’t have the desired effect? Because, Rae filled me in and I know that you two fought again last night.”  
Clarke redirected her glance to Raven. Seriously?  
“Don’t even give me that look,” Raven told her quickly as she wiped her mouth. “You’re not at all surprised.”  
Clarke grinned a little. It was true. She wasn’t surprised – not really. “I wasn't looking for an effect. I just wanted to thank her,” she shrugged as she returned her attention to her own plate.  
“Thank her?” Octavia questioned, looking totally confused now.  
Clarke nodded. “Something happened the other night when we went off on each other,” she explained, “and whatever it was – made it so that I could paint again. So yeah - I wanted to thank her.”  
“Fair enough,” Octavia nodded. “So, how did you go from thanking her to fighting with her?”  
“She pissed me off,” Clarke shrugged and picked up her coffee.  
“You pissed her off too,” Raven pointed out quickly. “Would it really have killed you to just tell her who you sold that picture to?”  
Clarke leaned back in her chair and took a deep breath, “Probably,” she finally told them. “Besides, it’s none of her business.”  
“Right, right,” Raven said with a wave as she got up and took her plate to the sink. “Your work, your business.”  
“Exactly,” Clarke nodded defiantly. “My work, my business. Too bad if she doesn't like it,” she shrugged as she also got to her feet and took her plate to the sink. "That's not my problem."

Again, she knew that she was coming off like a total bitch, but she didn’t care. On this, she wasn’t giving an inch. After all, it was her work. Her picture. She was the one who had created it, not Lexa and what happened to it was her business - hers alone. She had always been sensitive about her work and that piece was no exception. Anyone who didn’t understand that could just fuck off and Lexa, well, she would either accept it or she wouldn’t, but that was her problem

“You two drive me insane,” Octavia sighed as she rolled her eyes toward the ceiling.  
“Ha,” Clarke shook her head. That's funny. “Make no mistake, we drive ourselves insane.” It was totally true.  
“Why though?” Raven shrugged as she leaned back against the counter. “I mean, aren’t you tired?”  
“Exhausted,” Clarke replied with a stretch.  
“So, break the cycle,” Octavia told her as she got to her feet. “Just – talk. Like, sit down and have a normal conversation.”  
“Doesn’t work,” Clarke shook her head simply. Again, totally true.  
“What do you mean it doesn’t work?” Raven’s face twisted up. “You sit, you talk.”  
“It doesn’t work,” Clarke insisted quickly. Ugh, Okay. Here we go. "Look, Lexa and I sitting down to have a conversation is like taking a couple of those little bouncy balls, dropping them into a box and giving it a good shake,” she tried to explain. “We’re just all over the place.” That made sense, right?  
Raven instantly laughed. “I can totally see that,” she nodded quickly.  
“Yep,” Octavia agreed with a smile as she crossed her arms, “I definitely can’t argue with that.”

Not a moment later the three of them erupted in laughter. It was a ridiculous description and she knew it, but right now it was all that she had and really, it seemed totally accurate.

Clarke’s phone suddenly buzzed on the counter and she crossed the room to grab it. Opening her messages however, her brow instantly furrowed.

Niylah: So, I had a drink with your friend last night.  
Clarke: My friend?  
Niylah: Lexa.  
Niylah: I can see the appeal.

Seriously? Come on...

Clarke released a heavy sigh and looked at her friends. “God hates me,” she told them matter-of-factly. “I’m sure of it.”

Yep. Totally sure of it.


	32. Chapter 32

Lexa was sitting in her office busily working on her latest article and though she felt completely exhausted, she also felt oddly light and now, she really just wanted to focus on her work – like, really. Granted, she had only been with the company for a couple of months and she had already written them several really good articles, but her work had honestly taken a backseat lately and now, she desperately wanted to give them a great one. One that would set her apart from everyone else and really show off her skills. Part of her knew that it wasn’t necessary, she knew that Nia knew her work and respected it and her, but another part of her – another part of her just needed it. Spending the last two years doing more babysitting and order barking than actual writing had, in a way, robbed her of something and now, she was determined to get it back. 

So much had transpired in the last week and none of it had left her feeling the way that she thought that it would have. Honestly, it was the strangest thing – even with all of the fighting that she and Clarke had been doing lately, somehow, it almost felt like they were getting back to good – that she, was getting back to good and that was a path that she really wanted to stay on. 

Though her mind was whirling with everything that had been happening and she was putting every bit of effort that she had into attempting to focus on her work, there was really only one fact that was dominating her mind. Clarke wasn’t seeing anyone. Holy shit.

Lexa spun in her chair and grabbed a stack of notes off of the table behind her. 

All of this time she had been so careful with the words that she chose to use and trying to make sure that she didn’t cross any line that could cause waves in Clarke’s relationship, only to find out now that there was no relationship – there never had been. Clarke and Niylah were just friends – they were not together. Not together. Meaning, Clarke was single – is single. The thought filled Lexa’s heart with the tiniest bit of hope, because maybe, just maybe, if they could work through their mountain of issues, maybe there could be a chance. Maybe they, could have a chance.

Glancing at the time, Lexa decided to take a quick break and run outside for a smoke. She had been staring at the screen for hours and honestly her eyes were starting to feel it. She knew that she still had a lot to do, but her head was extremely full and really, one small break wasn’t going to kill her. Finally getting outside, Lexa took a cigarette in her teeth and lit it before leaning back against the building and letting her mind go again. 

Niylah was definitely an interesting character and though Lexa wasn’t quite sure that she was ready to admit it, she actually enjoyed her company and could see why Clarke liked her. She could tell from their brief interaction that Niylah was, without a doubt, a confident woman and there was this no nonsense air about her, but then further than that, she was so very kindhearted and understanding that it actually warmed Lexa’s heart to think that Clarke had someone like that in her life.

Lexa flicked her thumb against the filter of her cigarette and let out a small sigh. She hadn’t asked Niylah about the details of her relationship with Clarke – she hadn’t and she wouldn’t, but Niylah still offered a few – the most important one being that she and Clarke were not, in fact, a couple. The least important being that they occasionally slept together. That information had definitely caused Lexa’s blood to boil a bit, well in truth, more than a bit, but she didn’t fault Niylah for that fact – nor did she really fault Clarke. Did it make her jealous? Hell yes, it did - more than anything, but still, it was her own fault that Clarke was finding comfort in the arms of someone else, so really, the only person that she could be angry with was herself.

Snuffing out her cigarette, Lexa quickly made her way back inside. There was something else that had caught her attention and fixed itself in her mind. When Niylah spoke of when she and Clarke had met – the timeline fell right in line with when Clarke had been calling her in the middle of the night and then Niylah absently mentioned that when they met, she had never seen such an emotionally broken person and that – that just made Lexa’s heart ache. Though she had known that Clarke had been in a really dark place and she had already heard Raven refer to her as broken – somehow that still hit her harder.

Making her way back into her office, Lexa dropped down into her chair and returned her attention to her work. Even though she and Clarke had been fighting, tomorrow was when they were supposed to play chess again – if they were even still going to play and she really wanted to have this article finished before then. 

“How’s it going in here?” Nia asked as she popped her head in the door.  
“It’s going,” Lexa replied as she glanced up from her laptop and grinned lightly.  
“Great work on that article last week,” Nia nodded at her.  
“Thank you,” Lexa’s grin stretched into a full smile as she pulled off her glasses and motioned toward the screen. “I think this next one is going to be even better – if I can ever get it finished.”  
“No rush,” Nia assured her. “You know how I feel. I’d rather put out something that someone put their time into, than some garbage that someone rushed through just to see their name in print.”  
“Yeah,” Lexa nodded appreciatively. “I know.”  
“Look, I know that we haven’t had much time to talk lately,” Nia told her as she leaned against the doorway a bit. “I’m sorry. It’s just been a little chaotic.”  
“Hey, you don’t have to tell me about chaos,” Lexa laughed. “I know it far too well – and you don’t have anything to apologize for – life is busy.”  
“True, it is,” Nia agreed with a nod. “What do you say we go grab a drink together after work?”  
“Yeah, sure,” Lexa nodded instantly. “Just come get me when you’re ready to go?”  
“Sounds good,” Nia smiled at her and disappeared down the hall.

As soon as Nia was gone, Lexa turned back to her laptop and kicked it up a notched. Not knowing when she was going to be leaving now, she really wanted – no needed, to get through as much of this as she possibly could.

A few hours later Nia appeared at her door again and peeled her away from her laptop before leading her to a bar that was just down the street from their office. To Lexa’s surprise, it was a place that she had never actually been to before. It was a quiet place, very clean and well lit – definitely the type of place that executives would probably meet often. A slightly odd environment for Lexa, but most likely normal for Nia.

“So, chaos? Does that mean you’re making progress with your friends?” Nia asked curiously as the waiter returned with their drinks. “With Clarke?”  
“I hope so?” Lexa shrugged a little and picked up her glass. “I mean, I see them – some more than others but still, I do, and Clarke – she and I have kind of been having this ongoing thing – not that kind of thing,” she added quickly taking in the look on Nia’s face. “Just like – talking, well – it’s been more like fighting really, at least for the last week or so, but I…I think it’s good or at least, it could be.”  
Nia released a small laugh. “Well, I think that you’re right because it’s definitely having a positive effect on you,” she smiled happily at her. “I honestly can’t remember the last time I heard you ramble like that. It’s so cute.”  
“Oh shush,” Lexa glared back at her playfully. “I wasn’t rambling.”  
“You were,” Nia nodded. “But, don’t worry – I actually think that it might be a good thing too. So, you and Clarke – it’s getting better?”  
“Yeah,” Lexa answered before taking a sip of her drink. “I mean, it’s hard – don’t get me wrong, but little by little, I think we’re getting somewhere.”  
“This thing you have with her – you called it an ongoing thing,” Nia adjusted herself in her seat. “So, is it like a weekly thing? Like you two just get together and have it out?”  
“Yeah, so far it's been a weekly,” Lexa answered with a nod. “But we don’t just like, get together and go at it. We eat dinner, play a game of chess” she explained, “and talk – try to talk.”  
“I see,” Nia nodded and then brought her glass to her lips.  
Something in her eyes caught Lexa’s attention. Hmm. “What’s up?” She asked curiously.  
“Nothing,” Nia shook her head quickly. “Why?”  
Yep. Something was definitely up. “Nia,” Lexa gave her a knowing look. “Come on. Something’s on your mind.”  
Nia released a small sigh and set her glass down. “Well, there was something that I wanted to talk to you about,” she told her.  
“Okay,” Lexa nodded as she leaned back in her chair. “What is it?”  
Nia bit the inside of her lip as she appeared to search for the right words. “How would you feel about going out on assignment again?” She finally asked as she cupped her hands in her lap.  
Lexa stared at her, knowing that she wouldn’t ask that of her without a reason. Back on the road? Well, shit. Ugh, she needed some more information. “You have to give me more than that,” she told her as she leaned her face against her fist.  
Nia cleared her throat. “Look, I won’t lie to you, Lexa – it’s a big one and honestly, though you’ve only been with us for a couple of months, you are, by far, the best writer that we currently have on staff and everyone agrees that you’re the best one for it,” she explained rather quickly, “but, there's something that you should know about before you decide.”  
Lexa felt her body tense as her chest began to constrict slightly. “What is it?”  
“The assignment, it’s a bit of a long run.” Nia told her, with regret obvious in her voice. “You’d be gone a month – maybe two, at least.”  
Lexa closed her eyes as she rubbed two fingers against her temple and chuckled lightly in spite of herself. 

Seriously? Damn it! Of course this would have to happen, right now. Unbelievable. Always fucking something.

“Lexa, listen to me,” Nia began firmly as she leaned forward, “You are not obligated to take the assignment, but I was told to offer it to you first. Now, as your boss, I think that you should do it – really, I do, but as your friend…” she sighed and gave her a look that spoke volumes.  
Lexa released a heavy sigh and pulled out a cigarette. “You know what it is? God hates me,” she told her matter-of-factly. “That’s what it is.”

Yep. That’s what it is.


	33. Chapter 33

Clarke moved through the gallery taking down random paintings and sketches. It was time to change things up again. It was busy work and she needed it. She needed to keep moving and stop thinking, because the more she thought, the harder everything seemed to get. The fighting that she had been doing with Lexa was, on one hand, really taking it out of her, but then on the other – oddly therapeutic. It wasn’t that she liked them. It wasn’t and she didn’t – in fact, she hated them, but at the same time, she couldn’t help but feel like something good was actually coming out of them – even if she didn’t understand it.

“Hey,” Niylah’s voice filled Clarke’s ears. “Anyone in here?”  
“Back here!” Clarke called back.  
A moment later Niylah appeared in the doorway and simply smiled at her.  
“What are you doing here?” Clarke asked curiously as she pulled a tarp down over the canvas in front of her.   
“Thought that you could use a break,” Niylah replied as she held up a bag. “Come on, you can share my lunch.”  
Clarke smiled and gave her an appreciative nod. Truth be told, she was actually starving.

Moving into the other room, they settled down at Clarke’s desk and Niylah pulled a box out of the bag and opened it, revealing a rather large sandwich that was cut in half and more fries than any one person should eat in a single sitting. Clarke’s stomach growled at the sight.  
Niylah chuckled a bit. “Eat,” she smiled at her as she picked up half of the sandwich.

They ate in what was, mostly, a comfortable silence. They hadn’t really discussed the fact that Niylah and Lexa had had a drink together and honestly, Clarke wasn’t exactly sure how she felt about it – or really, if she should feel anything at all.

“So,” Niylah cleared her throat and eyed her curiously. “Are you angry?”  
“That you had a drink with Lexa?” Clarke questioned as she picked up a napkin and wiped her mouth. “I don’t think so?”  
“Good,” Niylah nodded as she tossed a fry into her mouth.  
“So, how was she?” Clarke questioned with a shrug.  
Niylah’s eyebrows went up as her eyes widened a bit and a small smile played on her face.  
Realizing how it came out, Clarke’s mind jumped to into the gutter and instantly she tried to backtrack. “No, sorry – I, that’s not…I meant. I meant her mood – because we’ve been fighting a lot. I didn’t mean how was she in…” she paused, because then again, knowing Niylah, a bit of dread slowly crept into her stomach as she looked at her. “Please, tell me you didn’t.”  
Niylah’s smile widened. “Clarke,” she began.  
“Oh God,” Clarke breathed as she got to her feet. There was something in Niylah’s tone that suddenly made her feel sick.  
“Clarke,” Niylah stood up as well.  
"Fuck," Clarke turned away.  
"Clarke," Niylah repeated as she stepped closer. “I didn’t sleep with her.”  
Clarke spun and looked at her, instantly feeling relief wash over her. “Thank God,” she sighed.  
“You really think so little of me.” Niylah teased.  
Clarke shook her head. Shit. “Of course I don't,” she told her. “That’s not what I meant. It’s just…I…It’s well, it’s Le…”  
“Lexa,” Niylah nodded understandingly and smiled again. “Clarke, as soon as I learned her name, I assure you – any intention that I might have had was gone.”  
A small smirk pulled at Clarke’s face as her eyes narrowed playfully. “You tried to hit on her?”  
A light blush crossed Niylah’s cheeks. “As I told you, I can see the appeal” she shrugged lightly. “However, just like I knew who she was, when I learned her name – she apparently knew who I was too, or rather, she thought that she did.”  
“What do you mean?” Clarke’s questioned her as her face twisted up. How could Lexa know who Niylah was?  
“She thought that I was your girlfriend,” Niylah replied with a grin.  
Clarke’s eyes went wide. “What?” How the fuck..? 

Who the hell would have told her that? And Why?! Granted, she had spitefully thrown in Lexa’s face that her needs were being taken of, but a girlfriend? No. She never said that. Not that it mattered – not really. Even if she was dating someone – it’s not like it was any of Lexa’s business. 

“Mhm,” Niylah nodded as she sat back down. “Apparently she saw us out together and we appeared – rather affectionate.”  
“So, what’d you tell her?” Clarke questioned curiously as she crossed her arms.  
“The truth,” Niylah answered simply. “We’re friends, but I have to tell you,” she paused and grinned a little, “she looked just like you did a few seconds ago.”  
Clarke felt her brow furrow slightly. “What do you mean?” She asked as she dropped back down into her chair.  
“I'd swear that she was relieved to hear it.” Niylah explained. “Though definitely jealous at the thought of us sleeping together.”  
“Really?” Clarke asked, trying, and failing, to hide the small smile that pulled at her lips. She couldn’t help it. There was just something about the thought of Lexa being jealous that instantly made her skin tingle. After all, the last time that Lexa got jealous…

Clarke felt a shiver slip down her spine and clenched her thighs before quickly jumping to her feet. Nope – definitely not thinking about that.

Niylah instantly began to laugh and shook her head.  
“What’s so funny?” Clarke asked quickly.  
“You just thought about sex with Lexa,” Niylah accused her playfully.  
“I did not,” Clarke denied it quickly, though her cheeks burned a violent red.  
“Clarke,” Niylah’s eyebrows went up and she smiled again.  
Clarke lightly stomped her foot. “Okay, maybe I did,” she admitted, feeling annoyed. “But, it was only for like, a second and it wasn’t even my fault – it just, popped in there.”  
“You know that you don’t need to defend yourself to me,” Niylah reminded her.  
Clarke sighed. “I know that I don’t,” she nodded. “It’s just that – I shouldn’t be thinking about her, at least, not like that.”  
“Says who? You’re attracted to her,” Niylah pointed out with a shrug. “Any fool could see why.”  
Clarke groaned and flopped back into her seat. 

Even though Lexa was still holding the number one spot on her shit list – the truth was, yes, she was still painfully attracted to her and damn it, if it didn’t make her crazy.

“So,” Niylah cupped her hands in her lap. “Why don’t you bring me up to speed? How are things going with you two?”  
Clarke groaned again and rolled her eyes.

They talked for a while about the screaming match that had taken place the week before, about the fight over the painting and even about Raven and Octavia’s opinions about the whole thing. Niylah listened the way that she always did – just letting Clarke ramble it all out without interrupting or allowing her to get to caught up inside her own head to talk – in cases like this, the faster it came out – the better.

“Well,” Niylah started as she helped lift a canvas onto the wall. “I don’t necessarily believe that your friends are wrong.”  
“Niylah,” Clarke sighed and shook her head. “How can you even say that, when all that we’ve been doing is fighting?”  
“Like you said, anger is easier.” Niylah simply shrugged. “But, the question is, how long are you going to hold on to it?  
Clarke took in her words and shook her head again. As long as possible. “She hurt me,” she replied firmly.  
“She’s human, so are you,” Niylah pointed out and popped her eyebrows. “Sucks, doesn’t it?”  
Clarke rolled her eyes and grabbed another canvas.

Yes, it sucks. It sucks a lot!

“Listen, from everything that you’ve told me, Lexa made mistakes – a lot of them,” Niylah told her as she leaned back against the desk, “but she’s human and that’s what people do – they make mistakes. No one’s perfect. You said yourself that you believe that she really is sorry, and that she’s been trying to fix things between you two.” 

It was true. She did believe her and deep down, some part of her had actually already forgiven her. It was that same part of her that knew Lexa – that part that knew how she felt and understood the way that she thought. Yeah, it was true, but still, things weren’t that easy. They couldn’t be.

“I know what I said,” Clarke responded quietly and crossed her arms. “Doesn’t change anything.”  
“You’re so stubborn,’ Niylah grinned and shook her head. “Tell me that you don’t see the changes in yourself since she came back,” she offered. “Tell me that you don’t feel it.”  
Clarke stared at her. “So what if I do?”  
“She brings out the best in you,” Niylah told her matter-of-factly.  
“And the worst,” Clarke countered quickly.  
“Some people say that’s how you know it’s real,” Niylah shrugged, but smiled again.  
“Oh, bullshit,” Clarke breathed and rolled her eyes again.  
“Listen, you need to let go of some of your anger,” Niylah pushed up off the desk. “Let down your guard a little and for fuck's sake, ignore that voice in the back of your head and listen to your heart.”  
“Hey,” Clarke spun slightly to face her. “I happen to like that voice. She hasn’t fucked me over the way that my heart has.”  
“Are you sure about that? Because I’m pretty sure that she’s fucking with you right now,” Niylah told her pointedly. “Come on, Clarke, let’s be real. The only thing that you have actually wanted since the day that Lexa left, is for her to come back,” she reminded her. “Well, she’s here.”

Not for me – and let’s not forget about whatever is going on with Echo…

“I took that risk once,” Clarke shook her head. “I can’t do it again.”   
“Imagine how different things might be if you had taken it sooner,” Niylah smiled at her. “Think back, do you honestly believe that Lexa would have taken that job if she had already known how you really felt?”

Yes!  
No.  
Maybe?

Clarke shrugged weakly. “I don’t know,” she finally answered, because at this point, she honestly didn’t.  
Niylah stepped forward and pulled her into a hug. “Fear is only going to hold you back,” she told her softly.  
“Maybe,” Clarke mumbled into her shoulder, “but, at least it keeps me safe.” It was true.

Several hours later Clarke was moving through her apartment, just trying to straighten up a bit before Lexa arrived – assuming that she was actually still coming. Though the conversation that she had had with Niylah had been extremely draining, keeping up with these game nights was something that she was determined to do. They needed them. She needed them. 

Lexa: Raincheck? I’m not feeling so well.

Clarke felt her shoulders drop a bit. Damn it. It was disappointing, but really, what was she supposed to say? No, you’re not allowed to feel sick. Get your ass over here – oh, and don’t forget dinner! No. She might be a bitch, but she wasn’t that much of a bitch. Besides, Lexa rarely ever got sick and even when she did – she’d fight like hell before she’d finally give into it, so if she was calling the night – she must feel pretty rough.

Clarke: Yep.  
Clarke: Feel better.

Dropping her phone on to the couch, Clarke released a small sigh walked away to go find Raven. Though she had been acting extremely off all evening – maybe she’d want to have a down night and binge watch some television or something.

“Hey,” Clarke said as she popped her head into Raven’s room. “What are you doing tonight?”  
“Going to see a movie,” Raven shrugged as she slipped into her jacket. “Anya’s working and there’s no way I’m staying here with you two crazy bitches again.”  
“Well, you don’t have to worry about that,” Clarke told her as she leaned against the doorway. “Lexa’s not coming. Do you want to hang out and watch a movie here instead?”  
“Why isn’t she coming?” Raven’s face seemed to harden a bit.  
“She said that she’s not feeling well,” Clarke shrugged.  
Raven’s eyebrows popped up as her lips pursed together and she shook her head stiffly. “Sure,” she told her, “yeah – we can do that.”  
Clarke stared at her curiously. She hadn’t missed that look. “What’s wrong?”  
“Nothing,” Raven insisted as she slipped back out of her jacket, but avoided making eye contact.

Uh huh. Bullshit. Something's definitely up.

“Rae, come on,” Clarke pushed as she stepped into the room. “You’ve been acting weird all night.”  
“Clarke,” Raven shook her head and took a deep breath. “Look, I don’t want to get involved.”  
“Involved in what?” Clarke questioned, feeling totally confused.  
“Whatever is going on with you and Lexa,” Raven explained as she took a step back and raised her hands slightly. 

She looked totally uncomfortable and extremely nervous - completely unlike herself and honestly, it was unnerving. Doesn't want to get involved? Okay, who is this person and where the hell is Raven?

Clarke just stared at her. “Nothing is going on,” she insisted quickly. "Well, nothing that hasn't been."  
A shaky whimper of a chuckle escaped Raven’s lips and she shook her head.   
Seriously – what the f..? “Alright, that’s enough,” Clarke told her firmly, feeling a slight aggravation start to bubble in her stomach. “What the hell is going on?”  
Raven’s conflicted eyes shot to the floor. “I…okay,” she took another deep breath. “I might have overheard a conversation that I really don’t think I was supposed to hear.”  
“Okay. Between who?” Clarke asked curiously.   
“Anya and Lexa,” Raven said without looking up.   
“And?” Clarke asked with a light shrug. Seeing Raven like this was almost more than she could stand - she wished that she'd just come out with it already. “Rae, what is it?”   
Raven swallowed hard and finally looked up. “I think that Lexa’s leaving again,” she finally answered weakly.

Suddenly, everything went red.


	34. Chapter 34

Lexa pushed her way through the door and into her apartment. Though the day had started the same as any other, as it wore on, she knew that something was off – wrong even. She had become increasingly fatigued and a relentless ache had settled deep within her bones. She was cold and yet sweating, and the throbbing in her head seemed to be effecting her senses, as with every step, the room seemed to tilt a little. Shit. She was sick, which was odd, because she never got sick. Never! Okay, maybe that wasn’t exactly true – it would probably be more accurate to say that she rarely got sick, but still. Though she knew that she had a lot to get done at work, she eventually had to cave. She couldn’t do it. She just couldn’t. Everything was hazy and hurting and really, all that she wanted to do was crawl back into bed and sleep. Sleep until it was over – or at least until the pain in her head subsided. 

Emptying her pockets onto the counter, Lexa stared at her phone. She had to text Clarke. She had to let her know that there was no way that she was going to make it tonight. It just wasn’t going to happen. She had to cancel. It wasn’t that she wanted to. It wasn’t and she didn’t. She wanted to see her – to talk to her, but whatever this was, it had hit her hard and fast and she didn’t want to risk giving it to anyone else, least of all Clarke. It sucked, but there wasn’t really anything that she could do. Clarke would understand. She would. It’s not like she really had any control here. Given the choice, she would much rather face whatever Clarke was going to throw at her than feel the way that she was feeling. But, it’s would be fine. Clarke would understand. 

Lexa: Raincheck? I’m not feeling so well.

Lexa set her phone down and went to the cabinet. Her mouth and throat had gone insanely dry and she desperately needed a drink. Not a moment later, as she stood drinking a large glass of water and bracing herself against the sink, her phone buzzed on the counter.

Clarke: Yep.  
Clarke: Feel better.

Lexa sighed in relief. It was okay. Clarke wasn’t upset. She understood. She knew she would, but still, actually hearing it, made her feel better about it. Tossing her phone back onto the counter, Lexa moved down the hallway and into her bedroom. After slipping out of her blazer and her shoes, she dropped down on to the air mattress, burrowed under the blankets and curled up into a ball. Sleep. She just needed to sleep. She’d feel better after a while and then she could reschedule with Clarke – if Clarke wanted to, of course. It would be fine. It would be.

It wasn’t long before Lexa found herself hovering somewhere between awake and asleep – she was right on the brink of it, and so ready to fall over, but then her phone began to go off in the other room and ripped her from it. “Nope,” she mumbled as she rolled over and pulled the pillow on top of her head. “Fuck off.”

Whatever it was – it could wait. She really wasn’t in any shape to deal with anything right now anyway. Sleep. That was what she needed. Just sleep. The phone continued to buzz and beep at random intervals, but eventually it became almost like a lullaby and sleep, finally took her. 

Jolted awake by the sudden sound of pounding, Lexa shot up and braced herself as the room spun around her. “What the fuck?” She groaned as she maneuvered her way off of the air mattress and stumbled to the door. “Somebody better be dead.”

Everything around her was shifting and tilting and the pounding in her head was filling her ears. She felt hot and disoriented as she made her way down the hallway and into the living room. As she approached the door, the pounding started again and Lexa paused, firmly planting her fingers against her temples as the sound ricocheted off of the walls and ripped through her head. Okay. Whoever the hell this was, they needed to go the fuck away, like, now. Stepping forward, Lexa reached out and pulled the door open, but then stepped back when her blurry green eyes met the icy blue ones of a very angry looking Clarke Griffin. 

Well, fuck.

“What?” Lexa shook her head, feeling slightly dizzy.  
“You really are unbelievable, Lexa,” Clarke stormed into the apartment.  
“What?” Lexa repeated, utterly bewildered as she closed the door. What the hell is this now?   
“We’ve been going back and forth for weeks,” Clarke rambled angrily. “Weeks! And I actually thought that we were finally getting somewhere.”  
“We are,” Lexa told her as she stepped forward.   
“Obviously not!” Clarke snapped at her. “Because yet again, here we are.”  
Lexa shook her head as she moved to the other side of the room. She didn’t understand.   
“How can you just blow all of this off?” Clarke asked her quickly.   
“I’m not blowing anything off,” Lexa insisted as she rubbed her hand against the side of her head – right now, Clarke’s voice was hitting her like a hammer. “Clarke, I thought that you would understand,” she sighed.  
“Oh, you did not just fucking say that to me again,” Clarke eyes flashed with fire.   
“It’s just one night,” Lexa put her hands up defensively. “I promise – we can do it tomorrow, if I…”  
“I’m not talking about the fucking game, Lexa,” Clarke fired at her. “I’m talking about your damn assignment!”  
Lexa shook her head again and tried to get her foggy mind to absorb the words.

Wait. The assignment? How the hell..? Fucking, Raven! God, damn it! Ugh. Okay.

"Exactly," Clarke finally scoffed when she didn't respond.   
“Clarke,” Lexa started as she stepped forward, but paused and took a breath because it was really becoming quite difficult to focus.  
"Don't even," Clarke's eyes filled with tears as she made her way back toward the door. “I can’t fucking believe that you would leave like this again.”  
“Clarke,” Lexa reached out and took her arm.  
“No. Fuck off,” Clarke pulled her arm away and continued toward the door. “I swear - it's like, all that you know how to do, is leave!”

The room was tilting on her again, and her vision kept shifting in and out of focus. Okay. This needed to stop. She needed to get her bearings and she needed to get Clarke to hear her – now.

“Clarke,” Lexa grabbed her arm more firmly this time and spun her around. “Stop! I’m not leaving!”  
Clarke froze in her grip, her hardened features instantly softening. “What?”  
“I’m not leaving,” Lexa repeated, trying to steady herself. “I turned it down. I’m not going anywhere.”  
Clarke blinked, taking in her words and then surged forward, embracing her in a bone crushing hug.  
“Ow,” Lexa winced under the pressure, as her bones felt like they were about to shatter. “Clarke,” she breathed.  
“Sorry,” Clarke said and quickly let go. “It’s just…I thought…” she paused and eyed her for a second before reaching up and placing her hand against her face. “God, Lexa – you’re burning up.”  
“I need to sleep, Clarke.” Lexa responded weakly as she swayed on the spot a little. She couldn’t do this right now.  
“Have you taken anything?” Clarke asked as she stepped forward and took her by the arm.  
Lexa shook her head. Bed. That was all that she wanted. Everything else needed to wait.  
“Come on,” Clarke told her as she lead her down the hallway and back into the bedroom. “We need to bring that fever down.”  
Lexa closed her eyes and allowed Clarke to lead her. Somewhere in her cloudy mind, she knew that she should tell her to just go, because she didn’t want her to get sick, but her energy was completely spent and all that she wanted was to get back into bed, but at this point, she wasn’t really sure that she’d make it there without help.

Once in the bedroom Lexa flopped down on the air mattress and instantly began to burrow under the blankets once more. Though her body was on fire, she was also freezing and couldn’t seem to stop the shivers that kept rippling through her. She just wanted to sleep.

“Hey,” Clarke’s authoritative voice filled her ears. “Sit up.”  
Lexa’s body responded automatically and she found herself pushing up.  
“Take these,” Clarke instructed as she dropped two pills into her hand and held out a glass of water. “They should help.”  
Lexa nodded and tossed the pills into her mouth, before chasing them with a large sip of water. “Thank you,” she said quietly as she dropped her head back down onto the pillow.  
“Get some rest, okay?” Clarke told her softly.  
Lexa nodded again. She felt Clarke move away and then suddenly the urge to stop her – to tell her, surged though her. “I wouldn’t do that,” she tried.  
“Do what?” Clarke questioned.   
“Leave you again,’ Lexa replied without opening her eyes – she couldn’t, sleep was coming fast, but, this was important. Clarke needed to know.  
“Just sleep now,” Clarke’s voice filled her ears again.  
Lexa shivered again pulled the blanket around her tighter. She could have sworn that she felt the light brush of Clarke’s touch on her face and then, darkness.


	35. Chapter 35

Clarke sat down at the table and took a sip of her tea. She knew that Anya would be stopping by any moment, her mother had phoned ahead to let her know that and she wasn’t really sure what to expect. She knew that Anya was in a mood – annoyed with Raven for the information that she had so incorrectly provided and she really hoped that there was a way that she could ease it. After all, if she hadn’t pushed so, there was a chance, albeit a slim one, but a chance that Raven wouldn’t have said anything at all.

A light knocking at the door pulled her out of her thoughts and she took a deep breath before setting down her mug. 

Clarke got to her feet and crossed the room to the door. “Hey,” She said as she opened it to find Anya.  
“Hey,” Anya replied somewhat briskly as she walked in. “How is she?”  
“Still asleep,” Clarke answered with a slight shrug as she closed the door.  
Anya walked to the table and set down the bag she was carrying.  
“Listen Anya, I know that you’re pissed off, but,” Clarke began.  
“I’m not pissed off,” Anya cut her off. “Just leave it alone, okay?”  
“Look, Raven told me that she didn’t want to get involved – right from the door,” Clarke kept going, “but, I pushed – I kept pushing.”  
Anya took a deep breath. “I could believe that,” she nodded before turning and walking down the hallway towards Lexa’s bedroom. 

Lexa had been asleep for the better part of the last thirty hours, and when she wasn’t sleeping, she was pretty much out of it. Clarke had opted to stay at her apartment, not really comfortable with the thought of her just – sleeping it off. The decision had been easy, though it hadn’t come without a couple regrets. The biggest on being that fact that Lexa only had a minimal amount of furniture, which meant that what sleep she had gotten, had been while sitting at the kitchen table with her head down. She was tired, sore and in desperate need of a shower, but she had no intentions of leaving until Lexa was better, or at least lucid. 

“Okay,” Anya said with a sigh as she reappeared from the hallway. “Look, I get it, Clarke. You and Raven are practically sisters. Obviously if she thought something was about to happen that was going to hurt you – she’d tell you. I’m not mad, not really. I have a sister. I get it. It’s just – I wish that she would have just asked me, but I do know how you can get.”  
“So, you’ll go easy on her?” Clarke dared to grin a little.  
Anya’s eyebrows went up, “Oh, I didn’t say that,” she replied with a slight smirk. “No. I’ll make her pay for it – in my own way.”  
Clarke laughed and shook her head. “I don’t even want to know.”  
“No, you don’t,” Anya nodded matter-of-factly and reached into the bag that she had left on the table. “Alright, this is from your mother – make sure that she takes them,” she said as she held out a prescription bottle.  
Clarke nodded as she took the bottle and set it on the counter. “Right.”  
“I brought stuff to make soup for when she wakes up,” Anya continued as she pulled more items out of the bag.  
“You’re staying?” Clarke questioned curiously. Not that she would mind.  
“Only if you want to take off,” Anya shrugged. “Abby said that she would be fine, so - you’re not comfortable making the soup, are you?"  
Clarke’s eyes narrowed playfully. Smartass. “I think I can handle soup,” she scoffed. “And no, I’m going to hang out – at least until she’s up.”  
“Fair enough,” Anya nodded. “Then I’m going to head back to work. Call me, if you need anything?”  
“Of course,” Clarke told her quickly. 

A few minutes later, Anya was gone and Clarke decided to work on the soup – figuring that it was better to have it ready for when Lexa woke up, because she’d probably be starving. Clarke stared down at the ingredients. Of course Anya wasn’t going to buy just a simple can of soup. Nope. Okay. She could do this. No big deal. After all – it was just soup. 

The prep took a little longer than she had anticipated, but it wasn’t so terrible and after a while, the soup was on the stove and Clarke was back at the table, sipping on a fresh cup of tea. 

She couldn’t deny the slight twinge of guilt that she kept feeling in her stomach over the fact that she hadn’t noticed how bad off Lexa was until she looked like she was ready to fall over – but she couldn’t help it. She was just lost in her own rush of anger and hurt at the thought of Lexa leaving again that she simply couldn’t see passed it. The moment that Raven said that she was leaving again – it was like everything had just burst and she felt that pain all over again. But, Lexa wasn’t leaving. She wasn’t. A tiny smile pulled at Clarke’s lips and then the sudden creaking of a floorboard pulled her out of her thoughts. She got to her feet. Here we go.

While everyone knew that Lexa rarely got sick, they also knew that she was a stubborn, grumpy sort of sick person – at least for the most part. There was also another side though, a side that was kept well hidden – a side that was insanely softer and with everything that had transpired in the last day – Clarke was pretty sure which version of Lexa she was about to see. 

Deep breath – no smiling. 

“Hey,” Lexa said as she appeared from the hallway and froze. Her voice was raspy and small.  
“How are you feeling?” Clarke asked as she stepped forward.  
Lexa swallowed and touched her throat. “Thirsty,” she answered in the same small voice.  
Clarke nodded and took a step forward, holding out a bottle of water. “I’m sure,” she told her. “Here. Drink this.”  
Lexa did as she was told and uncapped the bottle, drinking most of it down in one long sip before stopping as setting the bottle down. She glanced over. “What are you doing here?”  
“Keeping an eye on you,” Clarke replied with a soft shrug. “You’ve basically been asleep for more than a day now. My mother and Anya have both been here too.”  
Lexa’s eyes widened a bit. “Really?” She asked as she crossed her arms around herself and then winced.  
Clarke braced herself, because she knew what was coming next.  
Lexa pulled up her sleeve to reveal a piece of gauze and tape. “You let her take my blood?” She asked with the saddest looking doe-eyed expression ever.  
Clarke stiffened her features to prevent a smile, because really – so fucking cute. “I did,” she nodded.

This was a side of Lexa that no one ever got to see – hell, even Clarke rarely ever got to see it, because Lexa only ever got her blood drawn when it was absolutely necessary. It wasn’t that Lexa was afraid of needles. Obviously she wasn’t – she had tattoos, but the idea of someone taking her blood – nope. That was just something that Lexa had always had a problem with – something that she was overly sensitive about and something that normally, she would have avoided at all costs. Any time that Lexa couldn't avoid it, the end results were always the same – she would become a sad, but adorable little pile of mush. 

Deep breath – no smiling.

“But,” Lexa said as a small pout played on her lips and her eyes misted over. “But, why?”  
Clarke bit the inside of her cheek. Seriously – so fucking cute. “Because you’re sick,” she answered her simply.  
“But, it’s just a cold,” Lexa replied with the pout still very prominent on her face.  
“An infection, actually.” Clarke told her as she popped the top on the prescription bottle as held a pill out to her. “Here, take this – doctor’s orders.”  
Lexa nodded as reached out and took the pill. She threw it into her mouth and swallowed, following it up with a little bit of water.  
“Good” Clarke nodded and motioned toward one of the chairs. “Now, why don’t you just go sit down? The soup should be ready soon, I think.”  
“Soup?” Lexa’s eyebrow popped as she glanced skeptically toward her kitchen. “Clarke, you’re not…”  
Clarke rolled her eyes. Oh, come on! Big jerk. “Lexa, I can handle making soup,” she insisted quickly. 

As if on cue, a loud sizzling sound suddenly filled the room. 

Turning quickly, Clarke saw the soup boiling over onto the burner. “Shit,” she muttered as she rushed forward and grabbed the handle of the pot, quickly removing it from the heat, and spilling even more in the process. “Fuck,” she sighed as she set the pot down. Well, crap – of course that would happen. She chanced a glance at Lexa.  
Lexa was standing with her eyes wide and her mouth slightly agape. She blinked and shook her head. “Nope,” she said as she stepped forward, suddenly sounding way more Lexa-like, but not at all angry. “Get out of my kitchen, Clarke. You’re banished.”  
“Lexa!” Clarke exclaimed in protest, but couldn’t suppress the smile that instantly crossed her face. “I can take care of this, rea…”  
“Not even hearing it,” Lexa cut her off and shook her head again. “You’re banished, exiled - out,” she pointed to one of the chairs.  
Clarke moved to a seat at the table and picked up her phone. “See if I try to do something nice for you again,” she said, feigning annoyance.  
“I cook, you eat.” Lexa told her as she began to clean up the stove. “That’s how it works - don't mess with perfection."

As Clarke watched Lexa cleaning up the mess from the soup, she felt a warm and pleasant sensation begin to spread though her. Their playful exchange over the soup had been entirely effortless and for the first time in a long time, things felt oddly normal again. Another small smile pulled at her lips as a tiny bit of hope suddenly sparked in her chest.

Perhaps they weren’t really as broken as she had been making herself believe.


	36. Chapter 36

Lexa finished cleaning up the mess on the stove and returned the soup to the burner, setting the heat on low this time, instead of all the way up like Clarke had previously set it. Turning, she found Clarke staring at her with a tiny smile playing on her face and a bit of that old sparkle showing in her eyes.

“Everything okay?” Lexa asked as she tossed the rag toward the sink and picked her bottle of water back up.  
“Fine,” Clarke nodded as she stretched a bit. “You really need to work on getting some more furniture,” she added.  
Lexa shrugged. “I don’t need much,” she told her.  
“Yeah,” Clarke scoffed, but grinned. “Well, the next time you have someone sleeping here, I’m sure that they would much prefer a couch to one of these chairs.”  
Lexa’s brow furrowed. “Wait,” she shook her head. “You slept here?” For real?  
“Mhm,” Clarke nodded as she extended her legs a bit.   
“You really didn’t have to do that, Clarke.” Lexa told her as she shook her head.  
“It was fine,” Clarke assured her simply. “Other than the lack of a couch, that is.”  
Lexa took a large sip of her water, finishing it off, and tossed the bottle away. “Thank you,” she said quietly.   
“Does that mean that you’re not mad at me about the blood?” Clarke asked as her eyebrow popped a bit.  
Lexa’s hand subconsciously went to her arm. “No,” she pouted again. Clarke knew how she felt about it – she knew and still, she let Abby take it.  
“Oh, come on,” Clarke got to her feet and walked a little closer. “It was for your own good.”  
“I don’t care,” Lexa replied stubbornly. Nope. Not even a little.   
Clarke laughed a little and shook her head.  
Lexa found that she could only stared at her. 

Though she still felt slightly dizzy and her head was still throbbing a tiny bit, the sound of Clarke laughing made her feel warm and tingly. This was seriously strange for them, but far from unenjoyable. In fact, Lexa really didn’t want it to end – not any time soon, or even at all.

“Will you be leaving now?” Lexa questioned her quietly, really hoping that the answer was no.  
“I probably should,” Clarke shrugged lightly. “I could really use a shower.”  
“Yeah, me too.” Lexa pulled at her shirt. “I can’t believe I never even took my suit off.”  
“You were pretty out of it,” Clarke told her. “I would have helped you into something more comfortable, but…” she broke off.  
“But, what?” Lexa questioned her curiously.  
Clarke bit her lip and thought for a moment. “I didn’t want to do anything that might be, inappropriate,” she finally answered.  
“I can appreciate that,” Lexa told her with a nod. “But, you really didn’t have to worry about it.”  
“No?” Clarke’s eyebrows went up a little.  
“Well, it’s not like you’ve never seen me naked before,” Lexa responded without any thought and then froze, instantly felt her cheeks heat up. 

The air in the room seemed to get heavy as an awkward silence hung between them though and glancing over, Lexa couldn’t miss the light pink color that had flushed Clarke’s cheeks too. Well, shit. Though it may have been true – it was certainly not something that needed to be mentioned. Ugh. Stupid. 

Lexa cleared her throat. “Anyway, if you’d like, you could hang out for a while – have some soup,” she told her, “if not, then that’s okay too.”  
“Are you implying that you actually believe that my soup is going to be edible?” Clarke questioned her with a slight smirk.  
“Well, I’m willing to take my chances,” Lexa grinned back at her and gave her a light shrug. “Are you?”  
Clarke’s eyes narrowed a little as she seemed to consider it for a second. “Okay,” she finally nodded. “I’ll stay for a while.”  
“Alright then,” Lexa smiled a little. Yes! “I’m going to get changed out of this though, okay?”  
“Sure,” Clarke nodded as she dropped back into her chair and picked her mug back up.  
“Keep an eye on the soup, but eyes only - no touching." Lexa motioned toward the stove as she walked away. “There’s a fire extinguisher under the sink,” she added. "That, you can touch."  
“Oh, fuck you!” Clarke called after her. 

As Lexa turned into her room, she couldn’t help but grin – noticing that Clarke’s tone was light and abnormally playful. It seemed as though something had changed or at least shifted in the last twenty four hours, and though she didn’t have the slightest idea as to what could have caused it, she felt insanely grateful for it. Peeling off her top, Lexa was suddenly startled as her phone began to buzz loudly on the nightstand.

Clarke: Guess who’s up?  
Clarke: IMG_432

Lexa stared down at the picture. It was of her – cleaning up the soup. When the hell did Clarke even take that? And how long had they been texting about her already?

O: Good news!   
Raven: Finally! Damn.  
Jasper: Glad to hear it.  
Lincoln: Great!  
Bellamy: How’s she doing?  
Monty: Is she feeling better?  
Clarke: Eh. Definitely better – though not happy that I let Mom take her blood.

Lexa glared at her phone. Yep – totally not happy about that. 

Raven: Eh, well, you knew that was coming.  
Clarke: I did.  
O: Did she yell at you?  
Clarke: No.  
Monty: Bonus.  
Anya: Clarke, is she cleaning the stove?  
Clarke: …  
Raven: ?  
Anya: You fucked up the soup, didn’t you?  
Clarke: It wasn’t my fault!  
Raven: Hahaha!  
O: Seriously? Clarke, it’s soup!  
Jasper: Even I can cook soup.  
Clarke: Zip it, Jas!  
Bellamy: Give the girl a break…  
Clarke: Thank you.  
Bellamy: It’s not her fault that chaos ensues every time that she touches anything in a kitchen.  
Clarke: Hey!  
O: Truth! Though Anya, you really should have known better.  
Anya: I should have.  
Clarke: You guys suck!  
Clarke: And, I didn’t technically fuck it up. It just – boiled over, a bit and then I spilled some more.  
Anya: *faceplam*  
Raven: Haha – wow.  
Lincoln: Did she kick you out?  
Clarke: Of the kitchen or the apartment?  
O: Either? Both?

While the whole exchange was rather entertaining, Lexa couldn’t help but actually feel a little bit bad for Clarke. After all, she did try.

Lexa: Come on guys – ease up. It’s the thought that counts, isn’t it?  
Clarke: Right?!  
O: That’s true – she did try.  
Monty: Good point.  
Bellamy: Sorry Clarke – we were just picking.  
Clarke: Uh huh.  
Raven: Ha – you totally kicked her out, didn’t you?  
Lexa: Not out of the apartment, but she is forbidden to touch anything in my kitchen ever again – other than the fire extinguisher.   
Clarke: Lexa!  
Raven: Hahahahaha! Nice!  
Anya: Good idea.  
O: Smart!  
Lincoln: Probably wise.  
Lexa: I thought so too.  
O: How have we all not implemented this rule already?  
Raven: I know, right?  
Bellamy: Hmm. Good point. All those in favor?  
Clarke: Don’t you dare!  
Lincoln: Clarke, in fairness, you did somehow manage to break my grill. Aye.  
Jasper: Aye. I’m still finding little red dots all around my kitchen.   
Raven: I’ve actually had to use our fire extinguisher! AYE!  
Clarke: Come on!! That was so not my fault!  
Anya: It was just soup! Aye!   
Monty: Nay. I still think that she’s teachable.  
Clarke: Thank you!  
O: Ha – I lived with her for years, trust me – she’s not. Aye.  
Clarke: I’m not THAT bad!  
Bellamy: Really? I broke a tooth on the brownies that you made. Aye.   
Lexa: Aye.  
Raven: And the Ayes have it!  
Clarke: Monty, you’re awesome. The rest of you – fuck off.  
Monty: :)

Lexa grinned and set down her phone. Okay, so maybe it was a little harder to not pick on Clarke than she had expected. After slipping into a fresh set of clothes and grabbing the bottle of aspirin off of the nightstand, Lexa took a deep breath and made her way back down the hallway to find Clarke still sitting at the table, but now wearing an adorable pout. Grabbing a new bottle of water, she tossed two aspirin in her mouth and quickly chased them down.

“Ready for some soup?” Lexa asked as she set the bottle down on the counter and tried to hide her grin.   
“You suck,” Clarke told her quickly and shot her a glare.  
“Well, that’s what you get for letting your mother take my blood,” Lexa shrugged as she grabbed two bowls from the cabinet.  
Clarke thought for a moment. “Fair enough,” she reasoned and got to her feet. “Does that make us even?”  
“Not even close,” Lexa shook her head. “Though I will admit that I didn’t expect them to take it quite that far.”  
“Jerk,” Clarke grinned as she nudged her out of the way and retrieved a couple of spoons.

A few minutes later they were sitting at the table, each just eyeing their bowls. Well, it looked like soup. It even smelled like soup. The question was, did it taste like soup? Lexa moved her spoon in circles around the bowl and Clarke just appeared to be waiting for her to go first. Okay. Fuck it. Taking a deep breath, Lexa lifted a spoonful to her mouth. Ha. Well, look at that – it did taste like soup. Success!

Lexa reached across the table and picked up her phone.

Lexa: The soup IS edible.  
O: Really?  
Raven: Holy shit! You actually ate it??  
Jasper: Brave girl.  
Anya: Yeah? What’d you do to it?  
Lexa: Not a thing.  
Monty: See? I knew that she could do it.  
Bellamy: I’m impressed.  
Lincoln: Well done, Clarke.

Lexa glanced up just in time to see Clarke taking a picture of herself, flipping off the camera.

Clarke: IMG_433  
Clarke: Monty – <3

Lexa set her phone down and shook her head. “The soup’s good,” she assured her.  
“Thank you,” Clarke said as she cautiously took a spoonful in her mouth. After a second or two, a smile broke across her face.  
“You didn’t believe me?” Lexa laughed lightly and shook her head.  
“Hard to know with you,” Clarke replied simply and then her shoulders instantly dropped.

Ouch. Okay, that stung. Shit.

“I’m sorry,” Clarke said without looking up. “I didn’t mean to say that.”  
“Hey, it’s the truth,” Lexa shrugged weakly. As much as she hated to admit it, it was. “Listen, I know that you don’t know what to believe when it comes to me and you don’t have to apologize for that. That’s on me and it’s something that I hope to fix, someday.”  
Clarke stared down at her bowl and pushed her soup around. “It was true,” she said quietly as she looked up. “I’m not sure that it is anymore.”  
Lexa felt the corner of her mouth twitch lightly and gave her a small nod before turning her attention back to her soup.  
“I’m sorry that I came over here yelling at you too,” Clarke told her before taking another spoonful of soup. “I should have just asked you.”  
“You were pissed,” Lexa shifted in her seat. “I can totally understand why, but I meant what I said, Clarke. I won’t leave you like that, again.”  
Clarke looked back down at her soup again. “I’m glad that you’re back,” she finally told her in a small voice.  
Lexa’s smile widened as her heart swelled some. “Me too,” she replied in an equally small voice. 

Me too.


	37. Chapter 37

Clarke flicked her paintbrush at the canvas and took a sip of her drink. It had been a long and exhausting week and what she was hoping for was just to get lost in a bit of color and clear her head, what she was getting was actually the complete opposite. 

After apologizing to Lexa last weekend for her emotional outburst, they had finished their soup in a mostly comfortable silence, until Lexa started to explain what had actually transpired with the assignment that she had turned down. Lexa had been so calm and relaxed as she stressed that though Nia had been told to make the offer to her and she professionally thought that she should take it – another part of her felt that - all things considered, she really shouldn't and though Lexa had been given until the end of the month to decide whether to take it or not, she had wasted little time in turning it down. 

Clarke thwacked her brush against the canvas again and sighed. She couldn’t pretend that her heart hadn’t warmed at the thought that Lexa wasn’t going to leave again and at how she had been so quick to turn it down the assignment. Now though…

Now her mind was spinning with a truth that she didn’t want to listen to – something deep down and she knew from the way that it hit her, that she couldn’t ignore it. Well, not so much that she couldn’t, but more that she wasn’t going to. She wasn’t going to because there was a truth to it and what was coming had to happen – it had to happen if they were going to have any real chance at successfully moving forward from all of this and as insane as she knew it was, she had already set the wheels in motion.

“You alright?” Raven asked as she dropped down into a nearby chair.  
“Fine,” Clarke nodded as she brought her glass up to her lips and took a small sips. Not even close to fine.  
“Oh no – yeah. Of course – you totally are,” Raven nodded, her tone thick with sarcasm. “I mean, obviously. Why else would you be drinking whiskey at noon?”  
“Leave it alone, Rae.” Clarke set her glass down and dipped her brush in some more paint. Please leave it alone.  
“Clarke,” Raven sighed. “I thought that things were getting better?”  
“They are,” Clarke nodded as she continued to focus on her painting.  
“Then what are you doing?” Raven questioned her curiously.  
“Painting,” Clarke replied without missing a beat.  
“And drinking,” Raven pointed out. “Aren’t you supposed to have another game with Lexa tonight?”  
“As far as I know,” Clarke nodded, still not turning to face her.  
“Don’t you think that you might want to be sober for that?” Raven crossed her arms.  
“Nope,” Clarke dabbed the paintbrush against the painting quickly.  
Raven released a heavily frustrated sigh.

Clarke continued to paint silently. She wasn’t going to get into this, because she already knew that she wouldn’t like where it would end up and besides – the truth of the matter was that she had absolutely no intention of getting drunk before Lexa got there – afterward maybe, but not before. No, right now, she just needed to take the edge off and try to clear her head a little, that was all.

“So,” Clarke said as she finally set her paintbrush down. “Is Anya still mad at you?” Subject change!  
“Not exactly,” Raven shook her head. “She said that she understood why I told you.”  
“That’s what she told me too,” Clarke nodded as she dropped down into one of their chairs. “Though, she did say she’d make you pay for it - in her own way.”  
Instantly Raven flushed a violent shade of red and shook her head.  
Clarke let out a laugh. “I take it she already has then?”  
“Sort of,” Raven smirked a little. “Let’s just say it's an ongoing process,”  
“For how long?” Clarke asked curiously.  
“As long as she wants,” Raven answered simply.  
“So weak,” Clarke teased her lightly.  
“Only for her,” Raven responded absolutely.  
Clarke smiled and shook her head. 

She could only imagine how Anya was making Raven pay for her error, but she had no doubt that said payment, was being made in the bedroom and Raven's current crimson color, basically confirmed it.

“Shut up,” Raven mumbled and threw her a playful glare. “So, you really won’t tell me what’s going on with you?”  
Clarke shook her head and then had a thought. “Why do you think Lexa turned that assignment down?”  
“Honestly?” Raven crossed her arms and leaned back.  
Clarke nodded.  
“You,” Raven answered simply. “No doubt.”  
“Because she thought that I would get mad?” Clarke questioned.  
“In fairness, you did get mad,” Raven pointed out.  
“Irrelevant,” Clarke brushed off her point. Nope. Don’t want to think about that. “Do you think that was why?”  
“In part, I’m sure,” Raven shrugged. “But, it also wouldn't surprise me if she was afraid that taking it would damage what progress you two have already made and…” she paused.  
“And what?” Clarke pushed.  
Raven seemed to think for a moment. “I don’t think that she wants to be away from you,” she finally answered.  
“Rae, she sees me once a week and you know perfectly well how shitty that can go,” Clarke shook her head.  
“Still,” Raven shrugged. “Regardless of what Lexa might tell you – I still believe that you're the reason that she came back here.”  
“She’s not here for me,” Clarke shook her head again as she got to her feet and began to clean up her paints.

Ugh. Again with this?

Raven got to her feet. “Maybe I’m wrong,” she told her. “But here’s the thing – either way, it doesn’t matter, because I’m still right.”  
Clarke turned and looked at her. The fuck? “Want to try that again in English?”  
Raven rolled her eyes. “Maybe she doesn’t want to be with you – but the fact is, she still came back for you,” she explained firmly, “She’s here, because you’re here. You two are at your best when you are together, regardless of the label you put on it.”  
Clarke shook her head. Fucking crap – she might as well be talking to Niylah at this point.  
“Look, I know that avoidance is your go-to,” Raven kept going, “but this is something that even you can’t deny, like – look at you! Since she came back you’ve done a compete one-eighty. Granted, it’s been a crazy fucking ride, but just think back to how you were before, compared to how you are now.”  
Clarke felt her eyes narrow. 

Okay. Can’t argue with that. Shit.

“And Lexa?” Raven continued. “Day one, compared to last weekend – you’re telling me that you don’t see a difference?”  
Clarke took a deep breath. “Yes,” she answered without turning around. “I see a difference.”  
“Good,” Raven nodded quickly. “You two have found your path – now stick to it.”  
“In case you haven’t noticed,” Clarke told her as she picked up the canvas, “said path, is still a fucking minefield,” she finished before walking away. 

Hours later, Clarke was definitely a ball of nerves, just pacing the through the apartment as she waited for Lexa to arrive. She already had a sneaking suspicion of how the night was going to go and she was trying to hang on to what little bit of strength that she felt she still had left. A knock at the door suddenly pulled her out of her thoughts.

“Ah fuck,” Clarke mumbled as she walked to the door and opened it to reveal Lexa, who was wearing a light gray suit and had her hair pulled back. Clearly, she had come directly from work.  
“Hi,” Lexa greeted her with a light smile.  
“Hi,” Clarke returned the smile, feeling her heartrate increase and stepped aside to give her room to enter. “How are you feeling?” 

Okay. Deep breath. It’ll be fine. Just relax.

“Much better,” Lexa nodded as she stepped inside and walked to the table, setting down a decent sized paper bag.  
“What’s on the menu?” Clarke asked curiously as she closed the door and joined her.  
“Sandwiches,” Lexa replied as she opened the bag. “From that little shop that you like,” she added.  
“Nice,” Clarke couldn’t help but smile a little. “Want a beer?”  
“Water, please,” Lexa replied as she pulled out their sandwiches and set them on the table. “I’m still taking medication.”  
“Right,” Clarke nodded and set off toward the kitchen. “Of course.”

Once in the kitchen, Clarke braced herself against the counter and tried to calm her nerves. It was honestly ridiculous how worked up she felt about all of this. Part of her really just wished that they could just have a relaxing evening and enjoy their food, but she knew that it wasn’t an option tonight, because this, couldn’t wait. After taking the much needed breather, she returned to the table to find Lexa already setting up the chessboard.

“Maybe we should eat first?” Clarke stalled as she set the two bottles of water on the table. “These sandwiches can be pretty messy.”  
“Sure,” Lexa agreed as she pushed the chessboard to the side and opened her sandwich.  
Clarke dropped down into the seat across from her and also opened her sandwich. “Looks good,” she told her with a small smile. 

As they ate, they exchanged very few words and Clarke could have sworn that she could actually feel the weight of the air around them beginning to press in on her and all that she could do was focus her energy on pushing back. She knew there was a good chance that she and Lexa were going to end up fighting again tonight, but that was nothing new – so, why the hell was she so nervous about it?

“Are you alright?” Lexa finally asked her.  
Clarke looked up and shook her head. Shit. Here we go.  
“Do you want to talk about it?” Lexa questioned her curiously, but there was definitely concern in her eyes.

Well, might as well just throw it out there. What’s the worst that could happen?

Clarke set down her sandwich. “Well, I’ve been thinking and,” she paused and took a deep breath. “I really think that you should reconsider that assignment.”  
“I’m sorry, what?” Lexa’s eyes instantly sharpened as her brow furrowed a little.  
“I think that you should reconsider the assignment,” Clarke repeated and held her breath.  
“There’s nothing to reconsider, Clarke. I already turned it down.” Lexa shook her head in confusion. “I’m sure that it’s been given to somebody else by now.”  
“It hasn’t,” Clarke shook her head and stood up.  
Lexa’s eyes narrowed a bit and her jaw clearly clenched. Crap. “And how would you know that?”  
Clarke looked at her. “Because, I called Nia a couple of days ago,” she replied firmly, “and I asked her to give you until the end of the month, just like she originally offered.”  
“You did what?” Lexa demanded loudly as she jumped to her feet. Yep, she was pissed.

Great.


	38. Chapter 38

All that Lexa could do was stare at her, feeling an instant tightness taking over her chest as all of her blood seemed to rush to her face. This was not happening. Clarke called Nia? Who the hell did she think she was? This was not fucking happening. She can’t do that! She just - she can't! Jesus fucking Christmas! What the fuck was she thinking? Not cool – so not fucking cool!

“What the hell were you thinking?” Lexa spat at her furiously. “This isn’t a fucking game, Clarke.”  
“Exactly,” Clarke replied, remarkably calm. “It’s not a game, Lex. It’s your career.”  
“Yes! Precisely!” Lexa fired back at her. “MY career! Mine! You had no fucking business calling my boss.”  
“Would you please just calm down and listen to me?” Clarke pleaded. “Please. I can explain.”  
Lexa stared at her, feeling a fire spread through her body. 

This was bullshit – bullshit that she didn’t want to listen to and everything in her was telling her to just leave and call Nia as fast as she could, but Clarke’s eyes…something in her eyes were keeping Lexa's feet glued to the spot and though she foolishly tried to will them to just move, nothing happened. Well, fuck-a-duck.

Damn this woman.

Lexa took a deep breath. Ugh. Fuck. Fine. “Explain,” she said through her clenched teeth as she rubbed at her clavicle. Unbelievable.  
Clarke stared at her for a moment and then took her own deep breath. “It’s not a game,” she told her. “It’s not and I didn’t call Nia to try and fuck you up…”  
“Then why?” Lexa cut her off quickly. She couldn’t even help it. “What are you…”  
“Please,” Clarke said calmly.  
Lexa nodded and began to pace. Okay. Fine. Fine! Damn it!  
“I didn’t call Nia to fuck you up,” Clarke repeated firmly. “All that I did was ask her for what she already offered you – time, which now, is one more week for you to really think about this before you decide,” she paused and swallowed hard. “See, I called her because this is too familiar and I don’t want you to make the wrong decision – because again, the wrong decision is going to affect us both moving forward.”

Lexa stopped pacing and stared at her, feeling her blood pressure rise. Seriously? The fuck is that supposed to mean? 

Clarke dropped back down into her chair. “Listen, when you told me that Nia felt that – all things considered – you shouldn’t take it, that was when I knew,” she continued with a nod. “I knew that she must know about all of – this,” she motioned between them.  
“She does,” Lexa acknowledged quietly. How could she not?  
“You and her are friends,” Clarke said knowingly.  
“Yes,” Lexa nodded. Obviously.  
“She’s nice,” Clarke told her simply. "Very understanding."  
“Yes,” Lexa responded, feeling totally lost. Why were they talking about Nia?  
Clarke studied her for a moment and then nodded. “Tell me that your decision to turn down the assignment had nothing to do with me,” she stated plainly.  
Lexa stared at her again, feeling her stomach drop out.

What the hell? Of course it had to do with her. It had everything to do with her! How could it not? What difference did that make? Fuck. Okay. Deep breath. Calm down and respond.

“I can’t do that,” Lexa shook her head. Nope. Not even going to try to lie.  
“That’s the problem, Lex,” Clarke nodded. “It’s not a game – it’s your career and you should be able to make decisions about it without taking me into consideration,” she explained. “You can’t pass up an opportunity because you think that I’ll get angry with you.”  
“You did get angry,” Lexa said softly and crossed her arms. So fucking angry.  
“Initially, yes, I did.” Clarke acknowledged with a small frown. “But, that was my mistake. I was wrong. You see – I forgot. I’ve been so angry and hurt about - everything, that I forgot that this is your career and that it’s just as important as anyone else’s. This is what you’ve worked for. You should be able to decide what you do with it,” she rambled a bit, “without worrying about other people’s opinions – without worrying about my opinion.”  
“Your opinion matters to me,” Lexa shook her head. It was true. It absolutely mattered – way more than anyone else’s.  
“Lexa, I’m not going to lie to you,” Clarke took a deep breath. “I don’t want you to go and even though we only see each other once a week and everything is all ridiculous and crazy – I would miss the hell out of you if you did, but the thing is, if this is something that you want to do – something that’s important to you, then I want you to do it.”  
Lexa shook her head and began to pace again. 

Though there was no denying that Clarke saying that she would miss her made her feel warm all over, her mind was a jumbled mess at this point. This didn’t make any sense. It didn’t make any fucking sense. Like, fuck! What the fuck? If it’s wasn’t a game, then why was she playing with her? Was it a test? Fuck. She couldn’t fuck this up. Not this time.

“I don’t understand,” Lexa admitted as she unbuttoned her collar. It was hot – too hot.  
“I don’t want you to give up something because you’re afraid of how I’m going to react. Do that, and you'll just opening the door for resentment to creep in,” Clarke explained further, “and then we're never going to break this stupid cycle that we’re stuck in. We’ll just keep adding more cars to the crazy train and that’s really not what I want to see happen.”  
Lexa turned and looked at her. Okay, that actually made sense. “It’s not what I want either, but,” she paused and took a deep breath. “I’m trying to do the right thing this time.”  
A warm smile stretched across Clarke’s face. “So am I,” she told her earnestly. “It’s not right for your life decisions to be based off of how I might feel about them. These are your choices to make – for yourself. I’m your friend, Lex – not your wife. It shouldn’t be about…”  
Lexa’s eyes snapped up just in time to see a pink flush spread across Clarke’s cheeks. Wait… “Did you just say that you’re my friend?”  
Clarke looked down at her hands as a small smile played on her lips. “You know, I’ve been angry at you for a long time - hell, I think a part of me still is,” she said softly, “and I know that we’ve been fighting like two crazy bitches in heat, but I don’t…” she broke off and bit her lip.  
Lexa felt her brow furrow as a panic suddenly settled in her stomach. Uh oh. What? “Don’t what?” She asked, rather apprehensively.   
Clarke looked up at her and gave her the most authentic look ever. “I don’t think we’ll ever not be friends,” she finished firmly, echoing words of their past.  
Lexa stared at her, feeling moisture building in her eyes as a pang of raw emotion fired off in her chest and with three large strides, she scooped Clarke up out of her seat and pulled her into an impossibly close embrace.

As they stood there, Lexa felt her anger dissipate some and instead it was replaced with the sudden odd feeling of relief. Okay. Some of this was starting to click. Some of it was actually making sense. If they were going to move forward – really move forward, they couldn’t do it dragging their mistakes with them. They just couldn’t. 

“Clarke,” Lexa said without letting go of her – because really, she just couldn’t. “I didn’t not take the assignment because I thought that you would be upset. I mean – yes, that was part of it – definitely part of it, but it wasn’t the only reason.”  
“I know,” Clarke said into her neck. “I know that there are other factors involved – other people and whatnot, but I just....” 

Other factors? People?? Whoa, whoa. Wait, what? 

Lexa shook her head and stepped back. “What are you talking about?” She questioned her quickly.  
Clarke looked down, but her eyes had no doubt turned stormy and she visibly bit the inside of her lip. “Echo,” she answered quietly.  
Lexa closed her eyes and released a tiny sigh. Holy shit. Really? Clarke thought that...? How the f…? Oh, wait. That night. Yeah. Totally forgot about that. Shit. “Clarke,” she said firmly. “There’s nothing going on between Echo and I.”  
Clarke looked up, her brow instantly furrowing. “But…”  
“But nothing,” Lexa shook her head. “There’s nothing going on – never has been.”  
Clarke rubbed her forehead, looking utterly confused as another rush of pink suddenly filled her face.  
Lexa stared at her and felt her mouth go dry.

Okay. Alright. Enough. This was enough. Enough of everything. She couldn’t do this anymore. She couldn’t be afraid – not anymore. Granted, it was true, they still had issues – massive fucking issues and they still had a lot to work on, but the truth needed to be out there. It needed to be. She could do this. She had to. She owed that much. It was time – time to just put it out there and accept whatever fate had in store her. It was time to be honest. Time, to be brave. 

Lexa took a deep, steadying breath as her heart pounded in her chest. “Clarke, the other part of why I turned the assignment down is that I don’t want to be out on the road, at least - not now. Being here, is what I want - it's what I've always wanted. To just be here,” she explained carefully, “with you.”  
Clarke’s wide eyes snapped up as her lips parted and her breath caught.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> O ye, of little faith...


	39. Chapter 39

Clarke was frozen – completely frozen, in fact, it was a miracle that her lungs were still functioning properly and pulling in oxygen because she was quite certain that her ears had just majorly malfunctioned since there was no way that she had just heard that right. 

Lexa wanted to be here – with her. With her. Lexa wanted to be here with her. No. No. Just, no. That didn’t make any sense. Lexa had told her – she had said that she didn’t want her. She had said it. What the hell was she playing at now? She had said it! No. Lexa must mean it some other way. She must mean something else. She must.

A wild rush of emotion quickly flashed through Clarke as her heart clenched and suddenly, she felt as though she was about to pass out. There was no way this was happening – no way, that it was actually true.

Clarke shook her head lightly and took a step back. Nope. No. Bullshit. Bullshit!  
“I’m sorry,” Lexa apologized immediately. “I didn’t say that to pressure you. Not at all. I just, I thought that you should know the truth. I wanted you to know.”  
“Don’t do that,” Clarke told her firmly as she shook her head again, feeling moisture gathering in her eyes.  
“Do what?” Lexa asked as her brow furrowed.  
“Fuck with me,” Clarke said, trying to keep her tears at bay. “It’s just – it’s mean.”  
“Clarke,” Lexa took a step forward and stared at her. “Clarke, I’m not fucking with you.”

The room seemed to spin around her and instantly Clarke felt dizzy. This didn’t make any sense. It didn't make any fucking sense. Lexa had to be fucking with her. She had to be! And God! How fucking awful of her to even say such things! It was just – wrong! No - it was downright cruel!

“You said that you didn’t want me,” Clarke said harshly as her body began to tremble slightly. “You told me that.”  
“I never said that,” Lexa shook her head, looking utterly bewildered.  
“You did!” Clarke insisted quickly, feeling her body flush with heat. What the hell? She did. She absolutely did!  
“Clarke,” Lexa’s tone was firmer. “I never said that – never.”  
Clarke shook her head and looked down at the floor. She could actually feel her emotions slipping out of her control. So fast. It was happening so fast that she knew she didn't even stand a chance at regaining control of them.

This was fucked up. It was so fucked up. She wasn’t crazy. She wasn’t! Lexa had said it, she had told her – that night. She did. This was insane and it was too much. It was just too fucking much. Why the hell was Lexa doing this to her? Why? How could she hurt her like this - again? God! This was wrong - so fucking wrong! Another memory suddenly popped into her head.

“You said that you were here because you wanted to come home,” Clarke pointed out as she looked back up at her.   
“I…” Lexa started, but then paused and nodded. “I did say that.”  
Clarke could only stare at her. Well??? What the fuck?  
“At the time, I thought that you were dating Niylah,” Lexa explained carefully. “I didn’t want to say or do anything that might fuck that up for you. I didn’t want to cause you anymore pain. I was just trying to be respectful.”  
“So, you lied to me?” Clarke shook her head and pushed her hair back frantically.   
“No,” Lexa answered as she shook her head quickly. “I wasn’t lying.”  
“How is that not a lie?” Clarke countered her just as fast. Seriously? A lie – is a lie!  
“Because,” Lexa fired back at her rather loudly. “YOU, are my home!”  
Clarke felt her jaw slip again as tears finally slipped down her cheeks. She took another step backwards and shook her head.

It wasn’t possible. It wasn’t. Lexa didn’t want her. She had accepted that fact – a long time ago. She had. Lexa didn’t feel the same. She didn’t. She didn’t! This wasn’t happening. It couldn’t be. It just couldn’t. No. Lexa didn’t want her. She had told her that. She had said it! 

“You said that you didn’t want me,” Clarke found herself repeating as she shook her head.  
“It didn’t,” Lexa insisted again.  
“That night,” Clarke told her quickly. “You did. You did!”  
Lexa’s eyebrows knitted up a bit as something close to a realization seemed to appear in her eyes. “Clarke, that’s not what I said,” she responded firmly.  
“Yes, it is.” Clarke nodded feverishly.   
“Clarke,” Lexa took another step forward and swallowed hard. “I said, that I didn’t want you – to go.”  
Clarke stared back at her, trying to absorb her words. 

Wait. Was that possible? Could she have really just heard her wrong? No. It wasn’t. Was it? Fuck. No. Did she? The room seemed to tilt on her again. Fuck. 

“That’s what I said, Clarke.” Lexa’s tone was absolute. “That I didn’t want you to go – as in, go to San Francisco. I never said that I didn’t want you,” she paused and took a breath. “I may have lied to you about some things that night, but not about that. I’d never tell you that I don’t want you. How could I? You’re all that I want. You’re all that I’ve ever wanted.”  
Clarke stared at her. “Oh God,” she breathed as her stomach gave a violent lurch and she turned, running from the room. 

Entering the bathroom, Clarke slammed to door and proceeded to empty the contents of her stomach into the toilet. This was too much. It was just too much – more than her mind and apparently her body could even handle. She couldn’t. She just couldn’t. In between each burning heave, more tears spilled from her eyes and by the time her stomach was empty, she was pretty much nothing more than a sobbing mess on the floor. 

Lexa didn’t want her. She had told herself that, reminded herself – drilled it into her very fucking bones and she had been…wrong? 

Clarke sat up and pushed her hair out of her face. Was this real? Was this literally real and happening? Raven and Octavia had basically insisted that Lexa was here for her - that she wanted her, but she had adamantly refused to listen to them. Could it actually, be true?

Climbing to her feet, Clarke moved to the sink where she carefully washed her face and then brushed her teeth. This was a lot to take it, it really was – like, a lot. She stared in the mirror and took several calming breaths. Okay. Okay. She needed to go back out there. She needed to talk to Lexa – if she was still there. God, she better still be there. A few more deep breaths and Clarke opened the door, slowly making her way back down the hallway toward the living room where, she hoped, Lexa was still waiting.

To her relief, her eyes instantly fell on Lexa, who was leaning against the table with her arms crossed and her head down, staring at the floor.

“Hi,” Clarke said, in a voice that was barely above a whisper.  
Lexa looked up, her eyes seemed pained. “Hi,” she echoed.  
Clarke took a step forward. “You’re not…fucking with me?” She asked, feeling extremely apprehensive.  
“No,” Lexa shook her head, “and I’m so sorry that you ever believed that – even for a moment,” she took a deep breath. “I didn’t know – not until that night in my hotel room and I thought that you were with Niylah, so I couldn’t tell you and I…”  
“It’s okay,” Clarke nodded. 

They stood there for a few moments, just staring at each other. This was crazy. It was downright insane. How had they even gotten here? How, had they fucked this up so royally?

“We can’t jump into anything,” Clarke finally broke the silence. “You understand that, right?”  
“Of course,” Lexa assured her quickly. “I would never expect that or anything else.”  
“Good,” Clarke said as she pushed her hair back again. “After all, we obviously still have issues.”  
“Yes,” Lexa nodded and pushed up off the table. “We do.”

It was true. Absolutely true. They did still have their issues. They still had things that they needed to work through – if they could figure out how. They needed time. Time to think. Time to process. They couldn’t jump into this – they couldn’t. If they did - forget about it, they’d be dead from the door. No doubt.

“I’m not ready, to be with anyone,” Clarke told her delicately. “Not yet.” It was true.  
Lexa swallowed hard and nodded.   
Clarke watched her, noting that her shield was slipping back into place. Nope – don’t do that. “Not yet, doesn’t mean not ever,” she said as she took a cautious step forward.  
Lexa looked at her with softening eyes as the tiniest smile pulled at the corner of her lips, she nodded again.  
Clarke took another step forward. “I’m going to hug you now,” she warned her.  
Lexa’s eyes softened significantly and moistened at this as her smile widened a little. 

With one last step, Clarke wrapped her arms around Lexa’s neck and pulled her in close, feeling an emotion that she couldn’t even describe resonate through her entire body. It was warm and it was familiar, it was home. She breathed in deeply, taking in the earthy scent that was distinctly all Lexa, even with the cigarette smoke, and made a mental note to work harder at getting her to quit, because she knew, that this was what she wanted. This was all that she had ever wanted.

It was all that she would ever want.


	40. Chapter 40

The following morning Lexa was sitting out on her balcony with a cup of tea, smoking a cigarette and just trying to clear her head. The previous night had quickly escalated into another one of those unexpected nights of chaos and though it had turned out, at least in her opinion, very well – it was still mentally exhausting. She had gotten up early and tried to get ahold of Nia, but only got her voicemail – hopefully she’d call her back soon. They so needed to talk, but they would - eventually, she knew that and it would be fine. Taking a sip of her tea, Lexa let her mind go to Clarke.

Though Clarke hadn’t specifically expressed how she felt, what she had expressed was still somewhat telling. She wasn't ready to be with anyone. Well, that made sense, really it did and truthfully, Lexa wasn’t sure that she was ready either. Not yet doesn’t mean not ever. There was something in that. That was enough to spark some hope in her chest because it meant that it was possible – that someday, they really might stand a chance at being together and making this work. The hug. That simple hug, felt fucking amazing and when Lexa closed her eyes and thought about it – it still made her skin tingle. 

All of these things were cast aside though, by one other thing – Clarke had said that she didn’t think that they would ever not be friends. Lexa’s heart warmed at the memory, because it meant that they were friends. Even if they never figured out they’re other shit and they never ended up together – that statement – that fact, was worth everything. As much as she wanted to be with Clarke, she still wanted her friendship back even more. It had always been everything – it meant the world to her, and losing it, had broken her. Granted, it was her own fault, she knew that – she did, but still. Except that it hadn’t been lost, not really. No. After everything, it was still there – just buried beneath years of built up bullshit.

Lexa felt herself zoning out as she stared off at a car in the distance.

Watching Clarke fall apart so terribly was just awful to see and knowing that she was both directly and indirectly responsible for it, made it even worse. It was true. She had known that Clarke thought that she didn’t want to be with her, but fuck – she didn’t realize that Clarke thought that she had actually said that. Ugh. Such a mess. The thought that Clarke could have possibly spent that last two years thinking that she wasn’t wanted for anything beyond a fuck – God, that was just nauseating and it broke Lexa’s heart to think about it. Shit. No wonder Clarke was so angry – no wonder she was so fucking hurt.

Lexa looked down at the cigarette between her fingers and noticed that while she was lost in thought it had burned away, all the way down to the filter. Shit. These fucking things were way too expensive to waste. Feeling annoyed, she got to her feet and made her way back inside to grab another one. Once inside though, she found her phone buzzing on the table and it appeared to have been going on for some time.

***New Event Created***

JasperJ: Well, well, it looks like I’m up! Who’s is?!  
Reyes: Me!  
BabyBlake: I’ll be there.  
JasperJ: Sweet!  
Linc: Me too.  
Linc: And, I’ll be cooking.  
Reyes: Awesome!  
MontyG: I’m in. RoP?  
JasperJ: I think you already know.  
MontyG: I do, indeed.  
Reyes: YES!  
BabyBlake: Ugh.  
Linc: How surprising.  
BigBlake: Sorry. I’m out.  
BabyBlake: Seriously? Again? :(  
JasperJ: That sucks.  
Reyes: Well, damn it.  
BigBlake: I’ll make it up to you, O!  
BabyBlake: You said that last month!  
BigBlake: I know. Seriously though, I’ll be in town the following weekend though – we’ll have dinner?  
BabyBlake: :)  
BabyBlake: I’m going to hold you to that!

Lexa read through the messages and tucked her hair behind her ear. Well, shit. This was a good question. Honestly, she had no clue if she was in, out or going to be late again. She and Clarke hadn’t discussed whether or not they were going to continue with their game nights now or not. She hoped that they would, but there was no way to know for sure, at least, not until she talked to Clarke. Fuck. Hm. 

MontyG: Do we need beer?  
Reyes: Lots!  
JasperJ: Of course.  
A: I’ll think about it.  
Reyes: Okay, so that’s a yes for Anya too.  
BabyBlake: Yep.  
A: Where are the dummies?  
Reyes: No clue.  
BabyBlake: Well, is Clarke home?  
Reyes: Don’t know. Her door is closed.  
BabyBlake: So – go check!  
Reyes: Um, no.  
JasperJ: Haha. Crazy, not stupid!  
Reyes: Exactly!  
Reyes: What if they’re in there doing the dirty? No, thank you!  
A: I highly doubt that’s what you’d find.  
Linc: I think you’d be more likely to find a murder scene.  
MontyG: Definitely.  
JasperJ: Who killed who though?? My money is on Clarke killing Lexa.  
BabyBlake: Haha - No doubt!  
Linc: Absolutely.  
BigBlake: Same. 

Lexa’s eyes narrowed as she took another cigarette in her teeth and went back out on to the balcony. She lit it and dropped back down into her set, before picking up her tea. Seriously? These people – no fucking faith. She could totally defend herself against Clarke. No problem. Piece of cake.

Reyes: Haha. Nah. You guys haven’t been around them as much as I have.  
Reyes: They’re making progress and if they’re in there – trust me, the bodily fluid that they’re soaked in, is not blood. :P  
BabyBlake: *gag*  
JasperJ: Gross…  
A: Raven!  
Reyes: Come on – you know it’s true.  
Reyes: Those two so need to get laid!  
Reyes: By each other – like, now.  
BabyBlake: Fair enough.  
A: Jfc.  
Reyes: You know that I’m right, Anya! With all that pent up frustration – it’s a wonder that one of them hasn’t just burst already.

Lexa stared down at the screen. Seriously? For fuck’s sake, Raven. Come on! Ugh. Apparently Raven was in one of her moods. It was going to be one of those days. 

Commander: Okay, rude.  
Reyes: Ha! She lives!  
A: About time you joined the conversation.  
Commander: I was busy.  
Reyes: With Clarke? ;)  
Commander: Stop that.  
A: Raven.  
BabyBlake: Hahaha!  
Reyes: What? Oh, come on – I’m just fuccrwz% vgfuyhij 

Lexa’s eyebrows popped up. Hm, interesting. Did she drop her phone? Maybe it just died? With any luck, it died, because really, she needed to just shush it already. Like, really – major shush. God love that girl – she could be such an inappropriate pain in the ass when she was in the mood to be. After several minutes of silence her phone suddenly started to beep again.

BabyBlake: Um, Rae?  
A: Raven?  
JasperJ: Where’d she go?  
Princess: IMG_440  


Lexa’s eyes went wide as she began to choke on her tea, nearly falling out of her chair from laughing so hard. There on the screen was a picture of Raven. She was sitting on the couch, soaked to the bone with a huge pout on her face. It was fucking amazing! 

BabyBlake: Holy shit! Hahaha!  
A: Nicely done.  
JasperJ: Haha – that’s great!  
Linc: Someone got in trouble.  
BabyBlake: What did you do to her???  
Princess: Dumped a bucket of water on her head.  
MontyG: Wow. Point – Clarke.  
BabyBlake: Hahahaha!  
BigBlake: Yikes, not messing around this morning.  
Princess: That’s what she gets for running her mouth.  
Commander: Damn right.  
Princess: ;)  
Reyes: You are so lucky that my phone is in a waterproof case!!!  
Princess: You had that coming.  
BabyBlake: You totally did.  
A: I have to agree.  
Reyes: The couch is soaked now too. |:(  
Princess: It’ll dry eventually.  
Reyes: I stand by what I said! You need to get laid! A satisfied Clarke would not have turned on me like that!  
Princess: My sex life is both fine and also, none of your business – Nosy Nancy.

Lexa set her phone day and looked at the ceiling. Ugh. Okay. Not going to think about Clarke’s sex life. Not thinking about that. So not thinking about that. So, stop thinking about it! She couldn’t even begin to pretend that the thought didn’t make her blood boil, but now it also left her with another thought. Something seemed to be happening between her and Clarke. She didn’t know exactly what it was, but it was something. The question was, would it be enough of a something to put an end to whatever was going on between Clarke and Niylah? God, she hoped so. She did. She wasn’t even going to lie, but she wasn’t going to ask either. She wasn’t. She couldn’t. It wasn’t her business and asking would just be, so wrong – but hoping, well, there was nothing wrong with hoping. 

MontyG: Truth.  
Linc: You are kind of nosy.  
BabyBlake: Totally nosy!  
Princess: You’re no better, O!  
BabyBlake: Hey!  
Reyes: I’m not nosy. I just like knowing things.  
A: aka being nosy.  
Reyes: Pfft.  
Princess: And, Lexa and I are in – but we’ll be late again.

Lexa grinned down at the phone. Sweet! Yes! She didn’t even mind that Clarke didn’t ask her first – not that it would have mattered anyway, she was all for it. In fact, even with the knowledge of how fast their game nights could turn toxic, she was still was more than okay with continuing them. They were time – time that the two of them could spend together and hopefully fix all of the mistakes between them and maybe someday, get back to where they were – or perhaps, someplace even better.

Princess: Okay, Lex?  
Commander: Fine by me.  
Princess: Great. Settled.  
Reyes: You two are already becoming annoying again.  
A: When did they stop?  
BigBlake: My thought exactly.  
BabyBlake: Right?  
Princess: Oh, shut up!

Lexa chuckled as she leaned back in her seat. The last few weeks for her and Clarke had been absolutely insane – there was no doubt about that, but now, something finally felt different – really different. It finally felt like they were actually on the right path this time and now, all that they just had to do was stay on it. It wouldn’t be easy, Lexa knew that – she did, but she also had faith in them. After all, it was something that they both seemed to want. They could do this. They could. 

In fact, they would.


	41. Chapter 41

Clarke stepped out of the shower and wrapped herself in a towel. She had stayed up for most of the night thinking about everything that had happened between her and Lexa and trying to sort out her thoughts. Much to her dismay, that seemed to be impossible. After dressing and drying her hair, she made her way out the the living room where Raven was sitting in a chair, scrolling through her phone.

“Still all grumpy?” She questioned with a grin.  
“You dumped a bucket of water on my head,” Raven scowled at her.  
“You deserved it,” Clarke rolled her eyes. “You were totally talking shit.”  
“I was just messing around,” Raven brushed her off.  
Clarke stopped and gave her a look.  
“Okay,” Raven shrugged. “Mostly messing around – but still.”  
“Uh huh,” Clarke nodded as she walked over to the couch and felt the cushions. “See, it's already almost dry.”  
“That's because I took my hair dryer to it,” Raven said as she redirected her eyes back to her phone.  
“Smart,” Clarke nodded as she walked over and leaned against the arm of Raven’s chair.  
“What do you want?” Raven asked her knowingly, without looking up.  
Clarke debated internally for a moment.

She knew what she wanted – she did, but at the same time, she knew that she was never going to hear the end of it and that just, sucked.

Clarke took a deep breath. “I was thinking that we could have a girls day,” she finally said.   
Raven looked up at her curiously. “Just us?”  
“If you want. We could hang out and talk,” Clarke continued, “and stuff.”  
Raven eyed her searchingly. “O and Anya?”  
Clarke looked at her. “O’s fine,” she answered. “But, um..you might want to let Anya know about the topic of discussion first.”  
“Which is?” Raven questioned her with even more curiosity showing in her eyes.  
Clarke swallowed hard. “Lexa,” she replied in a small voice.  
Raven grinned a little. “Are you going to actually talk?” She asked. “Or are you going to do that bullshit talk that you always do when it's about Lexa?”  
“Talk,” Clarke responded in that same small voice.  
Raven nodded. “I'll text them,” she told her.  
Clarke stomach growled lightly and she walked off into the kitchen to find a snack. 

She knew that she was opening a can of worms here, but she had to. Raven and Octavia both seemed to see and know things that she somehow was oblivious to and she needed them. She did. She needed them to help sort out everything that was happening in her head. She couldn't do it herself. Not this time. Grabbing a pack of crackers she made her way back out to the living room.

Raven looked us she entered. “O is in,” she told her quickly.  
“No Anya?” Clarke questioned curiously as she tossed a cracker into her mouth.  
“No,” Raven told her with a grin. “Once I told her that you wanted to talk about Lexa, she decided maybe it was time for her and Lexa to have their own girls day.”  
Clarke couldn't help but chuckle a little. Oh, Lexa was probably going to kill her for that.  
“Anyway,” Raven said as she got to her feet. “O will be here in a little while. I'm going to go take a quick shower, okay?”  
Clarke nodded. “I think I'll sketch for a bit,” she said as she went and sat at the table.

Opening her sketchbook Clarke let herself get lost for awhile. She tried not to think too much about Lexa, knowing that if she got herself worked up, the rest of her day would be a loss. As it was, she was already feeling a little shaky. Not sick shaky, but – emotionally shaky. She needed help. She needed their help.

A little over an hour later, Octavia came through the door, unsurprisingly, carrying a case of beer and a large bag of take out food.   
Clarke couldn't help but grin at her. “Was the beer Raven’s idea?”  
“The food, actually.” Octavia answered as she set the bag on the table. “The beer was me. It might be a little early, but – eh, it's a weekend.”  
“Smart woman,” Clarke smiled weakly at her.  
Octavia looked her over. “Are you okay?” She questioned her she handed her a beer.  
Clarke looked at her and shrugged. “I don't even know.”  
“Okay. Rae!” Octavia called over her shoulder. “Food!”

Raven appeared a moment later and the two exchanged a look that Clarke didn’t miss. Ugh. She hated this. She absolutely hated it. Okay. Here we go.

“Alright Griffin,” Raven said as she dropped into a chair and grabbed a beer. “Hit us with it. What’s going on in that head of yours?”  
Clarke took a deep breath. Fuck. “You two were right,” she finally said aloud.  
Instantly Raven’s eyebrows went up and Octavia gagged on her beer.  
“Who are you and where is Clarke?” Raven asked quickly.  
“Shut up,” Clarke threw her a light glare.  
“What were we right about?” Octavia questioned her curiously.  
“Lexa,” Clarke answered after a pause. “She does want to be with me.”  
“She told you that?” Raven’s eyes went wide.

Clarke sat back in her seat and began to explain everything that had transpired the night before, without missing one single excruciating detail. She took her time, going intentionally slow, wanting to give them time to absorb it all while they ate their food. Amazingly, neither of them really spoke until she was finished. Though unsurprisingly, when they did finally react, it was by turning toward each other and sharing a high five. 

Clarke rolled her eyes at them. Really?  
“Point – us,” Raven said with a smile.  
“Naturally,” Octavia chimed happily. “So, now what?”  
“I…” Clarke opened her mouth to respond, but the words caught in her throat as ears rushed to her eyes. Too much.  
Octavia was immediately at her side, rubbing her back. “Shhh…”  
Clarke nodded. “I don’t know. I was so sure that she didn't and..I reminded myself,” she said quickly, “all…all the time, that while I might be…you know, me, it just…I just wasn't good enough.”   
“Good enough?” Octavia sounded completely taken of guard. “Clarke, come on, you're awesome and when you're not being completely crazy, you have the biggest heart.”  
“Not to mention, you’re totally hot,” Raven added. “It's beyond obvious how insanely attracted Lexa is to you.”  
“Yeah?” Clarke looked up at her and then instantly felt foolish.  
“Clarke, come on,” Octavia shook her head. “You can't even pretend that you don't know that.”  
“Yeah,” Raven spoke up. “Just mirror how attracted you are to her.”  
“I’m not attract…” Clarke bit her tongue as Raven gave her a very pointed look. 

Okay, so maybe she was still attracted to her – painfully attracted to her and it drove her absolutely fucking crazy, and up until two years ago, she would have never doubted that Lexa found her attractive too. Lexa had always had a compliment to give, she helped her work through times when she doubted herself and the way she looked at her in the bedroom…

Clarke shook her head as a shiver rippled through her. Nope.

“What are you going to do?” Octavia asked.  
“Just keep doing what we’ve been doing, I guess?” Clarke shrugged. “I don't know what else to do.”  
“Is that what you want?” Octavia questioned her again.  
Clarke didn't answer. In fact, she couldn't.

She couldn't, because she didn't know the answer. Maybe, there wasn't even an actual answer.

“Clarke,” Raven says, almost cautiously. “What do you want?”  
“To feel normal again,” Clarke answered without any thought and then began to mentally scold herself.  
“Well, I’d say that you're already well on your way to that.” Octavia shrugged.  
“What do you mean?” Clarke questioned her.  
“Look at you,” Octavia said simply. “Clarke, you’ve been changing ever since Lexa came back. We spent over a year trying to get through to you and nothing. Lexa comes back and – look at you. You're back to blonde again – thank God! You're painting again. Smiling more. Actively engaging in the daily banter and you're a hell of a lot nicer, I'll tell you that much.”

Well shit. Was that all true?

“Can I ask you something?” Raven sudden spoke.  
Clarke nodded. Sure. Why not? Have at it.  
“You and Lexa,” Raven started. “You’ve been having these game nights – talking. You had that screaming match and your arguments. Just, trying to sort your shit out, right?”  
“Right,” Clarke nodded and looked at her feeling confused. “Was that the question?”  
“No. I'm getting there,” Raven shook her head. “All of this stuff, it all circles around Lexa leaving and what happened and why – two years ago. Well, she's here now and she wants you - she's always wanted you, in fact. So, my question is – at the end of the day, do you really still care about all of that crap? Like, do you want to waste anymore time on it? Does it really matter or can just get on with your lives – move forward and just learn the rest as you go?”  
Clarke just stared at her. Seriously?  
“I think I get what you're saying,” Octavia chimed in. “Like, you’ve been doing this for a bit now and you already learned a shit ton. At the end of the day, is any of it actually going to change the way that you really feel about her?”  
Clarke thought about it. 

Probably not. It seemed that nothing ever changed the way that she really felt where Lexa was concerned. She had tried to forget it, she had tried to force it away, but still, it was there. It was always there. 

“I don't know how to do this,” Clarke admitted after a few moments of silence. “I don't know what the right answer is.”  
“Sweetie, that's the best part,” Octavia smiled warmly at her. “There are no rules with this. It’s what works for you – and for her, honestly. The only thing that you really have to do, is let go.”  
“Right,” Raven nodded. “Like, keep doing your game nights, but – maybe, they don't have to be with a chessboard and direct questions and answers. Maybe they can be with a movie or over coffee. Maybe they can just be about the time. See what comes with it.”  
“That almost makes it sounds like dates,” Clarke shook her head. Nope.  
“Not really,” Octavia disagreed. “Look, the chess game served it purpose. It got you two over the hump – it got you to this point. Obviously you two are able to talk now, at least somewhat. Now, you can move forward any way that you want.”  
“When you two are around each other, it's like your first thought is to put you're defenses up,” Raven shifted in her seat a little. “But, you do have you're moments when they're down. How do they feel?”

Amazing.

Clarke grinned a little. “They feel nice,” she told them.  
“So, go with it.” Octavia got to her feet and collected their plates. “You already told her that you're not ready for anything and I'd bet my life that she's not either.”  
“Who are you kidding?” Raven scoffed lightly. “Even if Lexa was, there is no fucking way she would do anything about it.”  
“You don't think?” Octavia looked at her.  
“Hell no,” Raven shook her head. “Uh uh. That ball is definitely in Clarke's court.”  
Clarke’s eyes bounced back and forth between the two of them.

What Raven said actually made sense. Though there was no denying that the idea of it was just terrifying. It seemed like too much – too much power over the situation. What if she fucked it up? What if she did something that ended up ruining everything? It felt like a lot of pressure, not to mention, a lot of risk. She wasn't ready. She wasn't. 

Before Clarke realized it, a small sob escaped her throat and her body began to tremble. “I can't,” she shook her head.  
“Can't what?” Octavia asked as she rubbed her back again.  
“Do this? I can't. I…” Clarke shook her head. She wasn't going to say it. She wasn't. “I'm scared,” she said it and dropped her head into her hands.  
“Of course you are,” Octavia's voice was soft.  
“No,” Clarke shook her head. “I mean, like really scared. Like, really. Like, I don't think I’ve been this scared since….” she paused and shook her head again, “since that night.”  
“Which night?” Raven questioned her curiously.  
“The night that I crashed my car,” Clarke answered after a moment. “The night that I realized what it all meant – how I really felt.”  
“I remember that,” Octavia nodded. “You were…God, you were so…”  
“I was completely terrified,” Clarke finished for her. She still remembered that night - that moment, all too well and the sheer panic that ripped through her body.  
“Why though?” Raven questioned her again.  
Clarke looked up and swallowed hard. “I didn't want to lose her,” she admitted. It was true. To her, really, it was as simple as that. “It was just so much and it hit me all at once and it just…I just…” she dropped off and gave up.

There was no way to explain it - not to anyone else. There never had been. 

“I can get being scared.” Octavia told her after a moment. “You said often enough that you couldn't lose her and I think we an all testify as to the effect that she has on you. But, I also agree with Raven. The ball is definitely in your court and that's not to say that you necessarily have to do anything with it. You can just take your time and see what happens.”  
“What if I fuck it all up?” Clarke looked at her. “It feels so close, like - it's right there.”  
“You'd find a way to fix it,” Raven shrugged. “You always do.”  
“Look, maybe you should try not to think about it too much?” Octavia suggested. “Don't think – just do. Follow what feels right.”  
Clarke took a deep breath. God, that was a scary thought – so fucking scary. She felt so shaken by it all and honestly, totally terrified, but maybe she could do that. Take each day, each moment – each interaction as it happened and see where she ended up.

Maybe that was the answer. Maybe they had a point. Maybe, all that she could do, was let go


	42. Chapter 42

Lexa was sitting at her table, trying not to think about Clarke and actually focus on her work, when a knock at her door pulled her out of her zone. Getting to her feet, she crossed the room quickly and pulled the door open.

“Anya?” Lexa blinked as she took in the sight of her sister. “What are you doing here?”  
“Hey squirt. I thought that we could hang out,” Anya told her as she leaned against the doorway, “and maybe have a few drinks together,” she added, holding up a bottle that was hidden by a brown paper bag. "It's been a while."   
“I probably shouldn’t,” Lexa shrugged. “I’m still taking medicine.”  
“Fine. No drinking.” Anya dropped her arm. “But, we’re still hanging out. We never seem to talk much anymore.”  
Lexa felt a twinge of guilt fire off in her chest. It was true and she knew it. “I’m sorry,” she told her quietly.  
“It’s alright,” Anya shrugged lightly. “But, if Raven’s having a girls day with Clarke and O to talk about you – I’m having a day with you to get caught up on everything that I’m apparently missing.”  
Lexa’s eyes went wide. Say what now? “They’re having a day just to talk about me, specifically?”  
“Mhm,” Anya nodded. “Apparently at Clarke’s request.”  
Lexa stared at her for a moment. Well shit. “I think I’ll take that drink now,” she told her, feeling her heartrate increase slightly.  
“What about your medicine?” Anya grinned lightly.  
“I only have a dose or two left. I'm sure it'll be fine,” Lexa brushed her off and stepped aside. “Come in.”

They moved into the apartment where Lexa quickly retrieved two glasses from the cabinet and put away her work. Though it was strange and she couldn’t explain it, the thought of Clarke requesting a girls day specifically to talk about her, was slightly unnerving. Had she made a mistake, in admitting those things to Clarke? Had she freaked her out and fucked everything up? Fuck. Fuck. Lexa felt a slight tightening in her chest as she lifted her glass to her lips.

“Relax, will you?” Anya said as she dropped down into a seat across from her.   
“I just…” Lexa shook her head. “I don’t want to make any mistakes this time.”  
“Well, I feel like I’m honestly way out of the loop here,” Anya told her as she picked up her glass. “So, how about you fill me in?”  
Lexa looked at her and took a deep breath. 

It was true with everything that had happened two years ago and everything that had been happening since she came back, her and Anya really didn’t seem to talk nearly as much as they used to. It wasn’t for any specific reason – it just kind of, happened and it was something that Lexa honestly regretted.

They spent the better part of the next hour or so going back and forth on everything that had been transpiring between her and Clarke – everything. Some things, unsurprisingly, Anya already knew about, other things however, she was at a complete loss on. She listened though, taking it all in as Lexa rambled on and on, and then on some more.

“Well shit, squirt,” Anya shook her head when it seemed to be over. “You’ve been busy.”  
“Please,” Lexa set her glass down and got to her feet. “Don’t call me that.”  
“Uh-huh,” Anya nodded absentmindedly as she poured each of them another drink.  
Lexa crossed over to the table next to the balcony door and picked up her cigarettes. Taking one in her teeth, she opened the balcony door and stepped outside to light it.  
“I really hate that you smoke,” Anya told her plainly as she stepped out on the balcony carrying their drinks.  
“I know,” Lexa said as she extended her hand and took her glass.  
“You should seriously quit,” Anya said as she leaned against the railing.  
“Maybe,” Lexa replied. Nope. Probably not. Highly unlikely, in fact. She enjoyed it and happened to find it quite soothing.  
Anya shook her head. “Anyway, so, what do you think is going to happen now that she knows?”  
“I have no idea,” Lexa sighed. “I mean – I know what I’m hoping for, but I don’t…”  
“What are you hoping for?” Anya’s question cut her off.  
Lexa glanced at her as her cheeks flushed slightly.  
Anya grinned.   
“I love her,” Lexa replied simply.   
“I know that you do,” Anya told her quickly. “That was one thing that I never doubted.”  
“She did, though.” Lexa shook her head. “She really believed that I didn’t want her.”  
“Everything happened very fast,” Anya reminded her. “The fact that she misheard you, isn’t your fault.”  
Lexa shook her head again. “Can you imagine how that must have felt?” She asked, feeling a pang fire off in her chest. “I mean – fuck, we had been sleeping together.”  
“I know,” Anya nodded. “It’s still not your fault.”  
“It probably made her feel so fucking worthless. I should have been clearer,” Lexa took a sip of her drink and then scoffed at herself. “No. I should have been honest.”  
“I’ll agree with that,” Anya shrugged simply.  
Lexa gave her a look as she snuffed out her cigarette and walked back inside.

That was what it really boiled down to though. Honesty, and her lack thereof at the time. That, was what had fucked everything up. If she had just been honest with Clarke about the job when she took it... If she had just been honest about why she didn’t want her to go to San Francisco... If she had just been honest about how she had really felt... If... If. If!

“Fuck,” Lexa muttered as she dropped down into her chair. “I really made a mess of things. I hurt her so bad - way more than I ever meant to and I thought that I understood how I hurt her when I left and then again, when Raven told me that I had broken her, but seeing her lose it like that last night,” she broke off and shook her head.  
“You did hurt her,” Anya acknowledged as she also sat down. “But, in my opinion, you’ve been given the chance to try and fix it.”  
“Or fuck it up even worse,” Lexa shook her head.   
“You can’t think about it like that,” Anya told her quickly. “You’re just going to end up mind-fucking yourself.”  
“I really don’t want to do that,” Lexa practically whined as she got back to her feet and began to pace. “This is hard enough as it is and I really don’t want to fuck it up again.”  
“Listen to me – just keep doing what you’ve been doing and it’ll be fine,” Anya responded firmly. “Take things as they come.”  
“The game nights,” Lexa nodded. It wasn’t a question.  
“Or more, if that’s what she wants.” Anya shrugged. “Who knows?”  
Lexa’s brow furrowed. “What do you mean?”  
“Like,” Anya took a breath. “If she calls you up and asks you to go to lunch or have coffee with her – go. Don’t think about it or question why – just go.”  
Lexa nodded. 

Okay. She could do that. She could definitely do that. In fact – fuck, she’d take any opportunity that she could, if it meant spending time with Clarke.

“And let it be her that comes to you for things like that,” Anya added quickly. “Right now, she’s been giving you the game nights – you’re in no position to ask more of her.”  
“I know,” Lexa took a deep breath. “But, what if we just keep fighting?”  
“Hey, personally, I think the fighting has been good for you,” Anya replied quickly.  
“Good for me?” Lexa’s eyebrows went up. “They’re fucking exhausting, Anya.”  
“Maybe, but you’ve been different since they started.” Anya pointed out. “Even Raven says so.”  
“Different?” Lexa looked at her. “Different how?”  
Anya took a sip of her drink and looked her over. “More like my sister,” she answered simply, “and less like that pompous ass that I picked up at the airport a couple of months ago.”  
Lexa’s face dropped a little. “Rude,” she responded as she picked up her glass.  
“Doesn’t make it any less true,” Anya shrugged. “I really wanted to just smack the shit out of you that day.”  
“I know,” Lexa nodded.  
“You don’t,” Anya shook her head. “But then you were back and little by little, I could see that facade fading and I could see that under it – you were just as messed up as she’s been, but now – I’m seeing more of you.”   
Lexa stared at her.

There was definitely some truth there. She had felt different ever since their screaming match and she wasn’t nearly in as much pain as she had been prior to. Maybe the fights were actually a good thing. Maybe in some twisted way, they actually helped. Maybe, it was because when they were screaming at each other, they weren’t really thinking about it. It was all emotion – raw and real.

“If you two can actually sort this all out,” Anya’s voice broke into her thoughts. “I really do still believe that you could be very happy together.”  
Lexa took a deep breath as her heart warmed at the very thought of being with Clarke. “I don’t know – for sure, that Clarke still loves me, but if she does and she still wants me, after all of this – she’ll have me,” she paused and shook her head, “She’ll have me for the rest of my life.”  
Anya’s eyebrows went up slightly. “Serious words,” she nodded.  
“I know,” Lexa responded quietly. “But, I also know what I want.”  
“No relationship come without work,” Anya told her firmly.  
“Ours did,” Lexa reminded her. “It was practically effortless.”  
Anya released a small chuckle.  
“What?” Lexa looked at her.  
“You know, you two were never actually a couple,” Anya shook her head, “but you were still always a couple. You just didn’t know it and all couples face hard times. The ones that make it, are the ones that work at it – the ones that fight for it.”  
“I am willing to fight,” Lexa responded instantly.  
“Then get up off your knees.” Anya deadpanned. “You did what you did and you’ve apologized for that. Dwelling on it isn’t going to do either of you any good now.”  
“It doesn’t change how I feel about it though,’ Lexa shook her head.  
“Maybe not,” Anya shook her head as she leaned forward, “and maybe nothing ever will, but you can’t successfully work toward the future, when you’re living in the past.”  
Lexa swallowed hard and took in her words. They were true - totally true. A grin pulled at her lips. “How did I end up with such a wise sister?”  
“I’ve always been wise,” Anya shrugged matter-of-factly as she got to her feet. “You’ve just always been too bullheaded to listen to me.”  
Lexa couldn’t help but chuckle.

Again, totally true.


	43. Chapter 43

Clarke was busying herself cleaning up the apartment and getting ready for her game night with Lexa. The week had honestly gone by in a blur for her. Her head was full of everything that had happened, her days were full with getting ready for an upcoming showcase and her nights seemed to constantly be filled with dreams of what once was and what could possibly be. Which, unsurprisingly, had turned her into a bit of a hot mess, at least internally. To top it off, her head was so jumbled that she honestly didn’t have a clue what sort or questions she was going to ask tonight, well – other than one. Beyond that, the only thing that she kept coming to was the question that Raven and Octavia had asked her – did it really matter? 

As she crossed the room to return the vacuum to the closet and her phone buzzed in her pocket.

Lexa: Hey. I know it’s still early, but I was just wondering what you might be in the mood for tonight?  
Lexa: For dinner, I mean.

Clarke stared down at her phone and shook her lead a little. It was kind of cute that Lexa felt the need to clarify what she was talking about.

Clarke: Surprise me.  
Lexa: I thought that you had no interest in being surprised by me again?

Clarke’s eyebrows popped up. Bold.  
She bit the inside of her lip and thought for a moment.

Clarke: What can I say? You kind of killed that last week and I’m feeling adventurous.  
Lexa: I’ll see what I can come up with then.  
Lexa: See you in a couple hours.  
Clarke: Okay. 

Clarke slipped her phone back into her pocket and continued straightening up the apartment, before going off to take a shower and prep her bag for the weekend ahead. This one, she was actually looking forward to more than either of the previous two – if for no other reason than because the tension between her and Lexa had seemed to decrease significantly in the last couple of weeks.

Within twenty minutes of Clarke dropping her bad next to the door a knocking pulled her attention from the table where she was setting up the chessboard. Taking a deep breath, she set down the piece she was holding and made her way to the door where she knew that Lexa would be waiting. Upon opening the door, the smallest of smiles pulled at her lips as she took in the sight of Lexa. This time, dressed in a plaid charcoal suit with her hair down, but still held out of her face by several braids.

“Hi,” Lexa smiled lightly at her.  
“Hi,” Clarke replied and stepped aside.  
Lexa entered and walked straight toward the table where she set the bag down and slipped out of her blazer.  
“Do you ever wear anything other than a suit?” Clarke questioned her curiously as she approached the table.  
“Um,” Lexa paused and looked at her. “To bed,” she answered. “Oh, and I have a couple pairs of shorts – for when I’m working out.”  
Clarke grinned a little and shook her head as she made her way into the kitchen to grab a couple of beers.  
“What?” Lexa called after her with her brow knitted up in confusion.  
“Nothing,” Clarke insisted as she came back into the room. “So, what’d you bring?”  
“Ah,” Lexa opened the bag and retrieved two round dishes. “Those chicken and cranberry salads that you like. I figured, with the night ahead and Lincoln cooking – lighter was probably better.”  
Clarke nodded in agreement as she sat down, but then her stomach growled rather loudly. “Sorry,” she said quietly.  
Lexa grinned and reached into the bag again, this time pulling out a small, triangular shaped box.  
“What’s that?” Clarke asked as she eyed it.  
“A slice of pizza,” Lexa replied as she held it out to her. “In case the salad wasn’t enough.”  
“Nice,” Clarke couldn’t even help the smile that formed on her face as she accepted the pizza and then pointed to the chessboard. “Ready?”  
“Hell no,” Lexa joked as she dropped down into her seat and motioned at her. “White goes first,” she added.

The game moved slowly for awhile with the two of them just taking their time and calculating each move as they enjoyed their food. It was quiet, but comfortable – more comfortable than their other times together so far. It was easy, until Clarke captured her first piece.

“Hmm,” Clarke hummed as she picked at her salad with her mind totally blank. “How was your day with Anya?” Ugh, stupid.  
Lexa’s eyebrow popped a bit. “You knew about that?”  
Clarke simply nodded.  
“It was good actually,” Lexa shrugged slightly. “We really don’t talk as much as we used to, so.”  
“How come?” Clarke asked without thinking.  
Lexa’s eyes dropped down and began to scan the board.  
Clarke took a sip of her beer. Technically, it was a separate question.  
“It was after I left,” Lexa said without looking up. “I guess.”  
Clarke stared at her, feeling surprised that she’d continued talking.  
“I didn’t really talk to anyone much – not any of you or the people that I was working with. I just kind of closed in on myself and focused what I had to do,” Lexa went on. “It was just easier that way,” she finished and moved her piece before finally looking up.  
Clarke looked back at her, not quite sure what to say at the moment, so she just nodded and redirected her attention to the board.  
Lexa got to her feet and pulled out a cigarette. “I’ll be right back,” she said, turning toward the door.  
Clarke rolled her eyes and shook her head a little.

Ugh. These fucking cigarettes. This, was something that she was really going to have to work on. For now though, she focused on the board.

A few minutes later, Lexa returned and dropped back into her seat.  
Clarke shook her head again, and made her move, capturing yet another one of Lexa’s piece. “How the hell did you ever pick up smoking?” Well, that question came easier.  
Lexa took a deep breath and leaned back in her seat. “The same way anyone might,” she shrugged. “Had a bad night, went for a drink. The person sitting next to me was smoking. I asked, they obliged.”  
“And you liked it?” Clarke asked, feeling her face twist up.  
“I did,” Lexa nodded. “The physical aspect of it, more than anything else, I think,” she added. “Though I do also like the smell that it leaves on my hands.”  
Clarke shook her head again. Ugh. This woman. So stupid. “Gross,” she sighed. “You’re up.”

The game stalled again for a little while with neither seemingly able to capture a piece. Until eventually…

“Finally,” Lexa sighed as she grabbed one of Clarke’s pieces. “Damn, I’m out of practice.”  
Clarke chuckled and shook her head a bit. “Sure,” she nodded. “We’ll blame it on that.”  
Lexa swallowed hard and gave her a very calculating look.

Shit. This was going to be a heavy one.

“I made you feel used,” Lexa’s voice was tight and her eyes appeared pained. “Didn’t I?”  
Clarke felt her eye narrow slightly as she took a deep breath. Fuck. “Well, to quote Raven,” she shrugged and looked away, “we had been using each other for years.”  
“I never looked at it that way.” Lexa stated firmly. “I never felt used by you – and I never wanted you to feel like I was using you either.”  
Clarke swallowed hard and redirected her eyes to the game. She didn’t want to talk about that – at least, not yet.  
“That wasn’t an answer,” Lexa pointed out.  
Clarke looked back up at her. Of course she’d catch that. Fuck. “Yes,” she answered after a beat. “I felt used, but it was – deeper than that.”  
Lexa’s features tightened significantly as she nodded and looked away.

The game continued, this time in what was obviously a more awkward silence, until yet again, Clarke captured another piece.

“Damn it,” Lexa sighed as she shook her head and picked up her beer.  
Clarke shifted in her seat a little. “So,” she started and then paused. “You say that you didn’t really talk to anyone, but you were gone for two years – did you really not make any friends in all that time?”  
Lexa didn’t reply verbally this time, instead she simply shook her head.  
“None?” Clarke pushed a little.  
Lexa shook her head again.  
Clarke took a deep breath, actually feeling slightly frustrated. “So basically, you spent the last two years, alone?”  
Lexa’s brow knitted up. “I spent them working,” she answered her in a tone that was all too correcting.  
Clarke stared at her, feeling her frustration morph slightly. This idiot. That was sad – just fucking sad.  
After a few seconds, Lexa’s eye dropped back down to the game.

The game moved forward, only for a few minutes, before Clarke did it again and grinned as she scooped up the piece.

“Fucking crap,” Lexa shook her head. “What the hell?”  
“Damn,” Clarke’s grin widened into a smile. “I’m on a roll tonight.”  
Lexa shook her head. “Shoot.”  
“Why didn’t you move back in with Anya?” Clarke shifted in her seat. “Raven told me that she offered.”  
Lexa eyed her for a moment. “I’ve gotten pretty used to being alone,” she answered, “but also, I didn’t want her to know…” she broke off and clenched her jaw.  
Clarke bit her lip. There was no need for Lexa to finish, she already knew what it was. Her anxiety. “It’s nothing to be ashamed of,” she told her firmly.  
“That’s easy for you to say,” Lexa responded quietly.  
Clarke took a deep breath. “It’s not like you can control it,” she leaned forward and looked at her, “and it doesn’t mean that you’re weak.”  
Lexa’s jaw clenched again as her eyes returned to the game.

Back and forth they went again and again, and then again. Tonight’s game was definitely a challenge – there was no arguing that.

Clarke shook her head as she made her move, setting her piece. “Checkmate,” she grinned.  
“Motherf…” Lexa bit her tongue and dropped her head.  
Clarke couldn’t even contain the laughter that burst from her lips.  
“I really need to practice more,” Lexa shook her head and looked up. “So, last question.”  
Clarke swallowed hard, feeling her heart beginning to pound a little a harder. “I assume that you’ve spoken to Nia,” she said carefully.  
“I have,” Lexa nodded.  
“It’s the end of the month,” Clarke stated.  
“It is,” Lexa nodded again.  
“Have you changed your mind?” Clarke held her breath. Fuck.  
Lexa stared at her and swallowed hard. “No,” she answered simply. “I haven’t.”  
Clarke slowly released her breath.  
“Clarke, I told you,” Lexa said strongly. “This is where I want to be. I’m not leaving.”  
A small smile pulled at Clarke’s lips as she blinked away the sudden moisture in her eyes and got to her feet. “We should probably clean up and get ready to head over to Jasper’s.”  
“Yeah,” Lexa also got to her feet. “We probably should,” she began to collect their garbage.

As Clarke cleaned up the chessboard another knocked came from her door. She glanced over at it feeling slightly confused and then looked at Lexa.

“Do you want me to answer it?” Lexa offered instantly.  
“No,” Clarke shook her head. “No. I got it,” she set down the board again and made her across the room, racking her memory. Was she expecting anyone other than Lexa tonight?

Just as she was opening the door a bell went off in her head and she remembered. “Hey Dad,” she greeted him with a smile.  
“Hey kiddo,” Jake smiled at her.

Instantly there was a crash behind her and turning, Clarke saw Lexa fumbling with their containers and garbage, trying desperately to get it all back under control and as the last piece hit the floor, one of her hands instantly went to the back of her neck as other buried itself in her pocket. She shifted on the spot, her eyes looking everywhere else but at them. It was adorable and ridiculous, and it took everything that Clarke had in her not to laugh.

“Hello Lexa,” Jake’s voice filled the room, his tone not at all abrasive.  
“Jake,” Lexa replied almost timidly.  
Clarke turned back to him. “I’ll get your check,” she told him before walking off.

Returning just a moment later, Clarke found her father still standing near the door and Lexa still standing awkwardly by the table. She rolled her eyes lightly and handed the check to her father.

“Thank you,” Jake smiled pleasantly. “Sorry that I didn’t have time to stop by the gallery. It was a crazy day,” he added, glancing down at the check and then back at her.  
“It’s fine,” Clarke told him with a sharp nod. “I’m glad you caught us though. I totally forgot that you were even stopping by and we were just getting ready to head over to Jasper’s.”  
“Ah,” He nodded. “Well, before you do, would you mind if I borrowed Lexa for a minute?”  
“Not at all,” Clarke shook her head as she turned toward Lexa and visibly watched as she swallowed what must have been a pretty large lump in her throat.  
“Great,” Jake smiled as he placed a light kiss on her forehead and opened the door.

Clarke smiled and watched as Lexa grabbed her blazer and walked toward the door, throwing a, not at all subtle, pleading look her way. It was funny, really – how intimidated she appeared to be by him. Like really, what did she think he was going to do to her? As the door closed behind them, Clarke finally released the laugh the she had been suppressing and shook her head before going to clean up all of the garbage that was now littering her floor. 

More than a few minutes later, Lexa reappeared with her eyes showing a slight tinge of red and her fingers rubbing at the area just under her clavicle. Clarke took a deep breath. Okay. Obviously there had been some tears involved in whatever had transpired outside, but she wasn’t going to ask. She wasn’t. If either of them chose to offer that information, that would be one thing, otherwise – it was between them.

“Are you alright?” Clarke questioned rather carefully.  
“Fine,” Lexa answered simply, but didn’t exactly look at her. “Just about ready to go?”  
“I am,” Clarke nodded.  
“Do you want to ride with me again?” Lexa asked her, keeping her gaze toward the floor.  
“You won’t smoke in the car?” Clarke picked up her bag.  
“I won’t smoke in the car,” Lexa assured her and finally looked up.  
Clarke smiled a little. “Then yes,” she nodded as they made their way to the door. “I’ll ride with you.”

Off to Jasper’s for the weekend.


	44. Chapter 44

After a somewhat tense ride, the pair crossed the threshold into Jasper’s apartment with Lexa trying to steady her nerves. Since speaking with Jake, her chest had become insanely tight and she was just waiting for her body to simply burst into flames, but when she was met by the smiling faces of Jasper and Monty, she honestly couldn’t help but smile back. It would be fine – she, would be fine. She knew it. She just needed a few minutes and maybe, just maybe, one of her pills.

“About time you bitches showed up,” Octavia said playfully as she approached them holding out two small bottles.  
“Yeah,” Clarke nodded as she took her bottle. “Sorry. The game took forever,” she explained as she tipped the clear liquid into her mouth and grimaced.  
Lexa nodded and followed in suit, also grimacing as the liquid burned a path down her throat.  
“Then Dad showed up and he ended up stealing Lexa,” Clarke continued with a slight cough, “and well, that took a bit.”  
Lexa glanced to her right, already feeling Anya’s eyes on her. Yep – sure as shit. Fuck. She dropped her shoulder blades, trying desperately to stretch out the muscles in her chest.  
“Jake came to the apartment?” Raven asked from a few feet away. “What for?”  
“Just to pick up his check,” Clarke answered with a simple shrug.  
“Ah,” Raven nodded as she walked toward them. “I thought he normally picked it up from the gallery."  
Clarke nodded. “Busy day,” she said as she moved to the cooler and picked up two beers, handing one to her.  
Lexa’s accepted it with a short nod. “Thank you,” she said quietly.  
“How many more payments do you have left?” Octavia asked curiously.  
“Ugh,” Clarke opened her beer and took a sip. “I don’t even know off the top of my head. I think that I’m into the single digits though.”  
Lexa didn’t know what they were talking about, and honestly, at the moment – she didn’t really care. She just needed to get away – the problem was, she didn’t know where to go. In the two years that she’d been gone, Jasper had moved and this place, to her, looked like an endless maze.  
“You alright there, Lexa?” Raven’s voice filled her ears.  
Lexa blinked and looked at her. “Um,” she nodded shortly. “Bathroom?”  
“Through there,” Raven pointed at the living room, “and down the hall – last door on the left.”

Turning on her heel, Lexa crossed the room and walked down the hall, feeling it closing in on her. Fuck. Fuck. This couldn’t happen. Not here – not now. Entering the bathroom, she quickly locked the door and braced herself against the sink. Come on. Come on – just calm down. Breathe. It wasn’t working though. It wasn’t. She pounded her knuckles against her chest, but still – nothing. She couldn’t focus on her breathing, not with Jake’s words ringing out loudly in her head. That man. Damn it. Lexa closed her eyes and tried again.

“Lexa?” Anya’s voice came through the door, followed by a light knocking. “Lexa, open the door.”  
“I’ll be out in a minute,” Lexa replied as best she could.   
“Lexa,” Anya’s voice came again. “You’ve already been in there for ten.”  
“I’m fine,” Lexa insisted as she turned on the water and splashed some on her face.

Over the sound of the rushing water she could still here the sound of muffled voices. Great. She turned around and leaned against the sink, closing her eyes as the sound of her heartbeat pounded in her ears. She just needed a minute. Just a minute. That was all. She’d be fine. An ache rang out in her chest, causing her to squeeze her eyes closed even tighter. Deep breath – come on. Get it under control. Get it…

Soft hands slid against her neck as two thumbs began to stroke at her jaw and instantly, Lexa felt a huge rush of air flow into her lungs. She knew those hands. She knew them, but they couldn’t be. She opened her eyes, to find Clarke standing in front of her with both assurance and firm concern showing in her eyes. 

“You’re okay,” Clarke told her softly as she continued to rub at her jaw.   
Lexa took another breath and trembled slightly, she nodded.  
“Is there anything that I can do?” Clarke questioned her carefully.   
Lexa looked at her, feeling completely awestruck by this kindness that she didn’t deserve. “You’re doing it,” she answered quietly.  
Clarke nodded and just stood there for another moment, soothingly rubbing her jaw.   
Lexa felt her breathing evening out as her nerves began to steady somewhat. Better. Definitely better, but still – damn it.  
“Anya is waiting to speak with you,” Clarke finally stopped and took a step back.  
Lexa watched as she turned and walked back to the door. Wait... “How did you,” she shook her head. “I locked it.”  
Clarke looked back at her and shrugged. “And I picked it,” she answered simply and left the room.

Fuck. Fuck. The last thing she wanted in the world was for Clarke to see her like that. Fuck.

“Hey squirt,” Anya said gently as she entered the room.  
Lexa looked at her, feeling unamused.  
“I know,” Anya shrugged her off. “What happened?”  
“Jake,” Lexa answered shortly.   
Anya nodded. “What did he say?” She questioned her again.  
“A lot of things,” Lexa shook her head. “I can’t…” Too much – way too much.  
“Sum it up,” Anya shrugged.  
“He,” Lexa felt that tightening in her chest again. “He said that he doesn’t hate me.”  
“You really thought that he would?” Anya stared at her in obvious disbelief.  
“I…” Lexa shrugged slightly. Yes! “I don’t know – maybe, I mean I…” she stopped and shook her head. “He’s talked about me to Abby and Clarke. He agrees that I fucked up and he said that everyone makes mistakes, but also that mistakes are necessary.”  
"They are," Anya nodded, but eyed her knowingly. “There’s something else?”  
Lexa’s mind was spinning a little. “He said...he said that I’m still a member of this family,” she choked out, “and that he and Abby expect me to be home for Thanksgiving this year.”  
A smirk appeared on Anya’s face. “Of course they do,” she shook her head. “So, why are you so upset?”   
Lexa took a deep breath. Stupid feelings! “I just…I didn’t expect…and I wasn’t prepared,” she tried to explain. “I mean, Abby and Jake – they’re…”  
“I know,” Anya nodded quickly.  
“I mean, when I saw Abby, I wasn’t prepared either,” Lexa continued, unable to stop, “but, I had a dose in my system – because of what had happened with Clarke and that, I guess – it helped? With Jake, I just – first I turned into an idiot and then while he was talking I just – it just,” she let out a shaky breath as an ache rang out in her chest. “I wasn’t ready. It was too much,” she finished and pulled a small bottle out of her pocket. Popping the top, she cracked one of the small pills in half and tossed it into her mouth before opening her beer to chase it down and returning the other half to the bottle.  
“Are you sure that’s wise?” Anya questioned her with concern.  
“It's only half - it'll be fine,” Lexa shook her head, pocketing the bottle once again. “Trust me,” she assured her.   
“Are you ready to go back out there?” Anya asked her as she pointed at the door. “Do you need more time?”  
“Does everyone know?” Lexa looked at her. Fuck.  
“No,” Anya shook her head. “I think just Clarke and I – Raven might think that something’s up.”  
“Okay,” Lexa nodded as she pushed up off of the sink and took a deep breath. “Okay. Let’s go.”

Once back out with the group, Lexa was relieved to find that yes, apparently the her little episode had, for the most part, gone unnoticed. Feeling thankful for small favors and throwing an appreciative look at Clarke, she moved through the apartment to properly greet everyone and then partake in some of the amazing food that Lincoln had prepared for the evening. It took about twenty minutes or so for her medicine to kick in, but after that, her chest loosened substantially and it made enjoying her time with them so much easier. From there, the night moved forward filled with laughter and games – stories and of course, their usual banter. With her and Clarke being on way better terms, everything seemed to almost flow effortlessly and it ended up being, by far, one of the best nights that she had had since coming back. 

Hours later everyone was feeling a little more than a little buzzy and some had even settled in for the night. Lexa found herself leaning against the counter in the kitchen, sipping on her beer and checking her email on her phone when Clarke came into the room, a little off balance with her cheeks slightly flushed. She smiled at her.

“Hi,” Lexa smiled back as she pocketed her phone. “What’s up?”  
"We should have brought the chessboard," Clarke nodded lazily.  
Lexa felt her brow knit up slightly. "Why?"   
“Well,” Clarke said as she walked forward and leaned against the island. “I was just wondering something.”  
“So, ask me," Lexa responded as she eyed her curiously, intrigued by the darkened glint in her eyes.  
Clarke bit her lips for a second. “You said that you didn’t make any new friends in the last two years,” she recalled the information from earlier.  
“I did say that,” Lexa affirmed with a nod. “Yes.”  
“What about lovers?” Clarke questioned quite shamelessly as her eyebrows lifted slightly.  
Lexa's jaw slipped as her body flushed with heat and she could actually feel the blush crawling up her neck. “What?”   
“Lovers,” Clarke responded with a heavy tone. “How many?”  
Lexa swallowed hard, but it didn’t help. She knew this side of Clarke, but she hadn't seen it in a very long time. “None,” she finally answered as her mind buzzed over the fact that this conversation was even happening. Talk about unexpected.  
Clarke eyed her with obvious curiosity. “None?”  
Lexa shook her head, but refused to look away. It was the truth and she wasn’t at all embarrassed by it.  
“So, the last time that you…” Clarke began and then paused, the flush in her cheeks deepening.   
“I would like to think that you'd still remember,” Lexa told her, as her heart began to knock in her chest.

A heavy silence hung between them as the temperature in the room so clearly began to climb.

Clarke bit her lip again, but still, skepticism showed in her eyes. “I know that you must have had women all over you, Lex,” she said quietly. “You always do.”  
Lexa clenched her jaw a little. Fair enough. “No interest,” she replied simply and shook her head.  
Clarke’s eyes narrowed slightly as she rounded the island and stood in front of her. “Too focused on work?” She quipped with a pop of her eyebrow.  
Lexa took a deep breath, unsure if it was the alcohol in her system or the tone of Clarke’s voice, but something brazen suddenly erupted in her chest. “No,” she responded as she pushed up off the counter and took a step forward, completely ignoring Clarke’s personal space. “But, none of them,” she clarified in a low voice, "were you."  
Clarke’s eyes seemed to darken further as she swallowed hard, her eyes flicking down for barely a second.

Time seemed to freeze. They were close, so close. Too close…

“Come on, pokey,” Lincoln’s voice suddenly filled the room. “Move it or lose it.”  
Clarke instantly stepped away as Lexa turned her attention to the doorway. Well, fuck.  
Jasper appeared not a second later with Lincoln only a few steps behind.   
“Man, you stumble slow,” Lincoln laughed and gave him a nudge.  
“I stumble at a perfectly respectable speed,” Jasper insisted quickly. “Lexa, I’ve got you set up in the room at the end of the hall,” he told her.  
“Thanks,” Lexa nodded at him. “Appreciate it.”  
“I thought you went to bed,” Clarke said, looking at Lincoln.  
“I did,” Lincoln shrugged. “Octavia asked for some water.”  
“And her lazy ass couldn’t get up to get it?” Clarke shook her head with a grin.  
“I think she was too worried about the room spinning again,” Lincoln joked as he pulled a bottle of water out of the fridge. “Are you guys turning in too?”  
“Yeah,” Clarke nodded, as she too retrieved a bottle of water. “Probably a good idea,” she added as she walked toward the door. “See you all in the morning.”  
“Yep. I think I’m done too,” Jasper yawned as he followed her out.  
“You alright, Lexa?” Lincoln looked at her curiously.  
“Yeah,” Lexa assured him with a nod. “I’m just going to finish my beer before heading in.”  
“Alright then,” Lincoln gave her a wave. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

A few minutes later Lexa again found herself leaning against the counter sipping on her beer, only this time, instead of checking her email, she was steadying her breathing. It would have been a mistake. She knew that. She absolutely knew that. A total fucking mistake and though she felt grateful for not making it - God, would she be lying if she ever tried to deny that the need to surge forward and claim those perfect lips hadn't almost taken her. So close. 

So fucking close.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, come on. Don't look at me like that.


	45. Chapter 45

Clarke felt Lexa shift beside her and as she watched her arch her back into a stretch, she couldn’t help but reach out and touch her. She had to, she just had to. As her hand slid across the taut muscles of her abdomen, another need hit her. She pushed forward, attaching her mouth to Lexa’s hip before slowly beginning to pepper it with kisses as she felt Lexa relax and sink into the bed slightly. Hmm. A moment later, her mind had been made up and she moved quickly to straddle her lap.

Lexa whimpered slightly and looked up at her. “Hi,” her voice came out slightly strangled.  
“Good morning,” Clarke smiled down at her. Good fucking morning, indeed.

Unable to resist the urge, Clarke leaned down, bringing her lips to Lexa’s neck. Lexa tilted her head, allowing her better access and Clarke grinned slightly before allowing her teeth to graze at the skin there, causing Lexa to buck slightly and a giggle to bubble from her own chest.

“You think that’s funny?” Lexa questioned her.  
“I think it’s cute,” Clarke replied as she continued to kiss at her neck, breathing her in at the same time.  
A light hum seemed to come from Lexa as her hands found their way on to her hips, caressing her tenderly.  
An image from the night before flashed into Clarke’s mind and she grinned again. “So,” she whispered as she pulled back slightly. “You were pretty hot last night.”  
A blush bloomed on Lexa’s face and neck, be she didn’t respond.  
Clarke felt an ache beginning, somewhere deep in her belly. It was true – totally true. “I mean the way you just,” she shivered, “came in and took…” she rolled her hips forward slightly and instantly her breath caught at feeling.  
“Fuck,” Lexa’s voice filled her ears as she sat up, snaking her arms around her as her mouth danced its way up her neck. She pushed her body up, brushing their bodies together in exactly the right way.  
Clarke gasped and arched her back. “Yes, please,” she couldn’t even help the whine that escaped her before crashing their lips together again.

“I would like to think you’d still remember…” Lexa’s voice echoed from some far off place.

Clarke opened her eyes slowly. 

Oh, she remembered. God, did she remember and – fuck. It was the morning after Valentine’s Day – more than two years ago. That was the last time that they were together like that and apparently that was the last time that Lexa had…

She blinked as memories from the previous night came back to her. Holy fuck. Lexa hadn’t been with anyone else since? No one? And all because she couldn’t have her? That was just – it was just, fuck. Clarke shivered, trying to ignore the tightening in her lower abdomen. Okay. Shit. She needed to get up. She needed to get up and go take a shower – like, now. Pushing herself up on the couch, she glanced around and listened. It appeared that everyone else was still out. Feeling grateful, Clarke got to her feet and padded her way to the bathroom. After that dream, she needed a few minutes to herself. Fuck. Who was she even kidding? With the way that her body was pulsing, she needed less than a minute. 

Half an hour later, Clarke emerged from the bathroom feeling, slightly better, but no less mentally muddled. Okay, so – maybe there was a little too much liquid courage flowing in her veins last night. Just a little. She honestly had no recollection of what had transpired inside her head to make her inquire as to the number of Lexa’s sexual partners over the last two years, but man, oh man – did she get an answer that she was not expecting. None. Honestly, though she didn’t want to call Lexa a liar – part of that, just didn’t make any sense. Sex without attachment – that, was textbook Lexa. Hell, the only relationship that she’d even ever had was with Cos… Clarke shook her head as she dropped her bag back into its previous place by the door. Nope. Definitely not thinking about that bitch.

Unzipping the side pocket on her bag, Clarke pulled out a hair tie and proceeded to pull her hair up into a messy bun. Just as she finished, the scent of coffee began to fill her nose. Awesome. Yes! Exactly what she needed. Making her way toward the kitchen, again her thoughts were filled with Lexa. She should probably apologize. Yeah, probably. Even though Lexa didn’t exactly seem offended by her question – it was still a very invasive question and really, she had no right to ask. Just because Lexa knew about Niylah, didn’t mean the Lexa owed her the same information. Though there was still another thing that picked at the back on her brain. Why would Lexa consciously deny herself such a thing? Was it some sort of twisted punishment?

Turning into the kitchen, Clarke froze momentarily as her eyes fell on Lexa standing at the counter, pouring two cups of coffee. This morning she was dressed in simple back slacks and a off-white button down, that was rolled to her elbows. Seriously, this woman. 

“Dressed already?” Clarke asked as she stepped forward, hoping that the heat in her cheeks wasn’t visible.  
“I showered before going to bed last night,” Lexa responded as she turned and handed her one of the mugs. “I knew that you were up already,” she added.  
“Thank you,” Clarke nodded as she accepted the mug and quickly took a sip. So fucking good.

Leaning forward, Clarke place her elbows on the island and her mind seemed to travel a bit. She wanted to apologize, she wanted to ask questions, but she didn’t know where to start – or even if she should.

“What’s on your mind, Clarke?” Lexa questioned her from the other side of the island.  
“Nothing,” Clarke shook her head quickly and took another sip of her coffee.  
Lexa’s eyebrows raised a bit.  
“Okay,” Clarke caved and set her mug down. Fuck. Fine. “I wanted to apologize.”  
This time Lexa’s eyebrows knitted together. “For what?”  
“I shouldn’t have asked you that last night,” Clarke explained honestly. “That was way too intrusive. Your sex life or lack thereof – it isn’t my business.”  
“That’s true,” Lexa reasoned with a shrug, “but it’s fine. I didn’t mind. I’m not ashamed of it.”  
Clarke stared at her as her teeth dug into the tip of her tongue. Don’t do it. Don’t you do it. “Are you punishing yourself?” Fuck, she did it.  
Lexa choked on her coffee a bit. “Punishing myself?”  
“Well, yeah – like,” Clarke tried to find the right words. Shit. “Like, denying yourself pleasure because of, you know – everything that happened.”  
Lexa took a minute. “Hm. On some weird level – it might have started that way, I guess,” she shrugged. “But no, that’s not why. I just – I really have no interest in sleeping with anyone else. It’s just completely unappealing.”  
“Because it’s not me?” Clarke asked automatically and them wanted to kick herself.  
A tiny grin seemed to pull at Lexa’s lips as her cheeks darkened, but she didn’t say anything.  
Clarke let out a slight huff. God, this was confusing. “But, you were always into – no strings – sex,” she said, again wanting to kick herself. 

Jesus Christ, just stop talking. Stop now. 

“That’s true too,” Lexa acknowledged with a nod. “I don’t know. I guess, sex with you was always different – always better somehow and I never really understood why, until I sorted out that the difference was that sex with you was more than just sex. It was sex that had emotion and that’s what made so different – so, intense,” she explained rather carefully.  
At this, Clarke’s mind went off on its own for a moment. Yep, one track – right into the gutter.

Fuck, now she needed another shower. 

“While I may have been into – no stings – sex, that never voided the fact that I still find sex to be very personal.” Lexa continued when she didn’t speak. “For me – choosing abstinence really came from knowing what I want, and what I don’t want.”  
Clarke felt her brow furrow. What the hell does that mean? “So,” she bit her lip, “because you couldn’t have me…”  
“Don’t make it sound so creepy.” Lexa’s laughter cut her off.  
“I’m not,” Clarke insisted in frustration. She wasn’t trying to make it sound creepy. She didn't even think that it was creepy! “I’m just trying to understand why wouldn’t want to have sex,” she finished and instantly her cheeks burned.

Oh hell. She needed to stop talking – like, right now.

“Whoa, who’s having sex?” Raven entered the room suddenly and looked at them.  
Clarke shook her head. Fucking great. “No one’s having sex,” she answered quickly.  
“Oh fine,” Raven joked as she made her way toward the refrigerator. “Stop the fun talk as soon as I come in.”  
Clarke chuckled a little and glanced at Lexa.  
Lexa just grinned back and then shook her head a bit before rolling her eyes. “Clarke’s just baffled by the fact that I don’t have sex,” she explained plainly.  
Clarke felt her jaw drop - there was no way that she actually just said that.  
Raven froze on the spot, still holding on to the carton of orange juice and looked at Lexa. “Define – don’t have sex,” she said quickly.  
“Who’s having sex?” Octavia came through the door, followed by Lincoln.  
Clarke’s eyes bounced between her and Raven. Seriously, these two – same fucking brain. “No one is having sex,” she shook her head.  
“More importantly,” Raven set down the orange juice carton. “Lexa’s not having sex – like, at all.”  
“Seriously?” Octavia turned and looked at Lexa. “At all?”  
“Yeah, like – how long has it been?” Raven pushed curiously.

Oh God, this is not happening right now.

Clarke looked at Lexa and held her breath.  
“A while,” Lexa shrugged a little as her eyes floated around, pausing for just a fraction of a second, when they met hers. Shit.  
“Holy fucking shit,” Raven’s eyes went wide as the realization clearly filled her mind.  
Clarke shook her head. Damn it.

Fuck. Yep – Raven was there. 

“Tell me the last time that you got laid was on Valentine’s Day?” Raven went on, looking utterly shocked. “Lexa – that was two fucking years ago.”  
“Wow,” Octavia shook her head as she looked at Lexa. “That so can’t be healthy.”  
“I assure you – it’s fine,” Lexa insisted with a slight chuckle.  
“It is not fine,” Raven shook her head, apparently totally blown away by this. “Are you like – broken or...something?”  
“Raven!” Clarke reached out and slapped her arm. What the hell?  
“Ow!” Raven yelped as she hopped back. “What? I’m just curious!”  
“That is so not your business,” Clarke scolded her quickly. Seriously! “And how do you think Anya would feel about you inquiring into her sisters sex life?”  
“What’s this now?” Anya asked sleepily as she entered the room and raised an eyebrow at Raven.  
Raven’s shoulders sunk a bit.  
Clarke smirked. Busted. Ha. Serves her right.

Instantly everyone in the room began to laugh as Raven rubbed the back of her neck and blushed under Anya’s gaze.

“Lexa stopped having sex,” Raven suddenly burst out, as she pointed at Lexa. “Two years ago!” Apparently this was too much for Raven to wrap her mind around.  
“Tattle tale,” Lexa chuckled as she shook her head and took a sip of her coffee.

This was a different side of Lexa then Clarke was used to seeing – way more like the old Lexa and far less like the rigid one who had come back in her place. She seemed lighter and playful and honestly, it was really nice to see.

“I need coffee before I can even deal with this,” Anya shook her head as she made her way to the coffee maker.  
“Lexa,” Raven practically pleaded. “Just, help me understand.”  
“Why I stopped having sex?” Lexa raised an eyebrow at her.  
Clarke leaned forward onto the island again. 

There was no denying that she was curious to see how Lexa would explain this to someone that wasn’t her. Hell, maybe it would even help her understand it better.

“Yeah,” Raven nodded quickly. “Like, sex it great and it’s so fucking easy so why not just do it? And unattached sex – like, you were the fucking queen of it. How many women have you fucked and forgotten?”

Oh my fucking… 

Clarke slapped her arm again – harder this time. This girl seriously needed a filter in the worst fucking way.  
“Ow,” Raven jumped. “Damn it. Stop that! I didn’t mean it as an insult.”  
Lexa sighed and shook her head again. “Okay. One, totally rude and two, yes - obviously sex can be solely physical and still feel great,” she explained. “Been there, done that. It’s no secret that I get hit on a lot, but, people change and I just found that – for me, it wasn’t that simple anymore. I want more. I want that – connection.”  
Clarke swallowed hard, not missing the way that Lexa’s eye found hers as she finished her sentence.  
Raven chewed on her words for a moment. “Okay so, no connection equals no nookie,” she nodded. “Two years though – damn, no wonder you came back,” she added with a slight grin.  
Clarke rolled her eyes. Seriously? Definitely going to strangle this girl.  
Lexa took a deep breath, but again, didn’t say anything.  
“I think that I get what she’s saying,” Lincoln’s voice suddenly joined the conversation from where he was perched on a stool listening. “Sex is easy and it feels good, but when you’re craving something more, then empty sex, while it might feel good, is just that – empty and that’ll be exactly how you’re left feeling.”  
Clarke looked at Lincoln and smiled warmly, before turning her attention back to Lexa.  
“Thank you,” Lexa nodded firmly. “I mean – don’t get me wrong, I’m not anti-sex – not by any means. I just know what I want,” their eyes met again, “and sex with random strangers – isn’t it.”  
Clarke just stared at her, physically unable to peel her eyes away. 

It made sense, on some level. Though she had been sleeping with Niylah on and off for a long time now and the sex was good – really good, deep down, she couldn't deny that there was always a part of her that was never quite fully satisfied.

“And come on – it’s not like you need sex to survive.” Lexa’s voice broke into her thoughts. “It’s not actually necessary.”  
“Maybe not to you,” Raven and Octavia voices came out in unison.  
“The girl's got a point,” Lincoln shrugged simply.  
“You think so?” Octavia turned and looked at him, raising an eyebrow lightly.  
Lincoln nodded his confirmation and took a sip of his coffee.  
“Care to test that theory?” Octavia challenged with a tiny grin.  
Clarke smirked. 

It was a playful challenge, that much was obvious, but the way that Lincoln blushed under it, was just too fucking cute.

Lincoln’s eyes bounced from Lexa to Octavia and back again. “Retracted,” he said quickly as he wrapped his arm around Octavia’s waist.  
"Traitor," Lexa grinned at him.  
“So weak,” Raven laughed and shook her head.  
“You’re just as weak,” Clarke countered quickly.  
“I am not,” Raven defended just as fast and then puffed her chest out a bit.  
“Really?” Anya came up behind her and dropped a hand onto her hip.  
“I...but, you...” Raven seemed to lose her words, which again caused everyone to laugh. Raven was totally whipped, and everybody knew it.

Clarke dropped down onto one of the stools and glanced around the room. It was ridiculous, really. This was one of those random conversations that should never – ever take place, but still – here it was. Proof yet again, that their group was just way too fucking close.

“Hey,” Raven said suddenly and pointed at Lexa. “That means that I was right!”  
“Right about what?” Lexa questioned her curiously.  
“You do need to get laid!” Raven fired back immediately and then turned. “And you, owe me an apology for the bucket of water you dumped on my head!”  
Clarke’s eyebrows went up. “Keep it up and you’re going to get another one,” she told her pointedly, which again, brought another round of laughter to the room.

Clarke glanced across the room and her eyes met Lexa's again. As the banter and laughter continued to fill their ears, they shared a small smile and a knowing look.

Raven was so getting another bucket.


	46. Chapter 46

Lexa leaned back against the building and took a steady drag off of her cigarette. It had been a couple of weeks since their weekend at Jasper’s and honestly, it had gone by in a bit of a blur. Though she and Clarke had continued with their game nights, something had shifted after their weekend away and lately she found herself talking to Clarke more and more – via texting mostly, but the pair had also gone out for coffee a couple of times too. Taking Anya’s advice, to an extent, Lexa decided to just go with it – to take it for the simple thing that it was and try not to read too much into it. Her phone buzzed in her pocket and as she pulled it out, she couldn’t even pretend that she wasn’t hoping that the message would be from Clarke.

Clarke: What are you doing?  
Lexa: Quick smoke break.  
Clarke: Gross.  
Lexa: You asked.  
Clarke: Want to have lunch today?

Lexa smiled down at the message. Really? Uh – yes.

Lexa: Sure.  
Clarke: What time works for you?  
Lexa: Any.  
Clarke: One?  
Lexa: Perfect. Where?  
Clarke: The diner around the corner from the gallery?  
Lexa: I’ll meet you there.  
Clarke: Alright. I’ll see you at one.  
Lexa: See you then.

Lexa tucked her phone back into her pocket and snuffed out her cigarette. Heading back up into her office, she threw herself into the assignment on her desk, figuring that she needed to at least accomplish something today. The task though, was bigger than she had anticipated and literally, before she knew it, the first half of the day had melted away. It had gone so quickly that she hadn’t even noticed and by the time she realized it, she knew that she was screwed. She'd probably need a miracle to make it to lunch on time. Shit. Closing her laptop, Lexa quickly grabbed her blazer and left.

The ride over to the diner was painfully slow. Though she groaned and complained and even swore a tiny bit, every single light flipped to red on her approach. When the diner finally came into sight, Lexa practically cheered before pulling her car into a parking spot. Finally pushing her way through the diner door, Lexa pulled out her phone to check the time. Shit – ten minutes late. As she stepped inside, her eyes quickly fell on Clarke who was standing at the counter.

“You’re late,” Clarke teased as she approached her with a smile.  
“Yeah. Sorry,” Lexa said as she leaned in forward and dropped a chaste kiss onto her cheek, before freezing. 

Instantly her heart rate increased tenfold. Oh shit. Shit. Didn’t mean to do that. Fuck. Fuck! 

“Clarke, I’m so sorry. I wasn't even thinki…” Lexa quickly began to apologize, but her words caught in her throat as she say the slightest smirk form on Clarke’s face.  
“It’s about time you greeted me properly,” Clarke told her simply. “Come on,” she said before turning and walking toward a nearby booth.  
Lexa stood stuck on the spot with her brow furrowed. “Wait,” she said feeling completely dumbfounded. “Really?”  
Clarke turned, giving her a small smile and a nod before slipping into the booth.

Well, holy shit. Good to know.

Lexa moved to the booth and dropped down into the seat.  
“So, busy day?” Clarke said as she opened her menu.  
“Eh,” Lexa shrugged slightly. “It started off slow, but then yeah – the last couple of hours kind of sucked me in. How about yours?”  
“There’s a showcase coming up soon, so yeah,” Clarke nodded.  
Lexa took in her words and then a thought popped into her head. “How did you end up buying the gallery anyway?”  
“With money,” Clarke answered as though it was the most obvious thing in the world.  
Lexa grinned at her. “No, that’s not what I mean,” she shook her head, trying not to think about where that money came from. “I meant…”  
“I know what you meant,” Clarke smiled at her again.  
“How are we doing today?” A waitress asked as she approached the table.  
“Good,” Clarke answered politely as she looked up from her menu.  
“Can I start you off with something to drink?” She questioned.  
“Water with lemon, please.” Clarke told her quickly.  
“And, what can I get for you?” She asked, dropping her hand down onto the booth.  
Lexa looked up and the woman smiled at her. “Coffee, please,” she answered.  
“Coming right up,” The woman’s smile widened a bit before she walked away.  
As Lexa redirected her attention, she could have sworn she caught the tail end of an eye roll coming from Clarke. “You alright?” She questioned her curiously.   
“Fine,” Clarke turned her attention to her menu again. “ Anyway, Kane was talking about closing it down. He was so ready to move on.”  
“He was going to close it?” Lexa asked. “Just like that?”  
Clarke nodded. “Yep,” she answered simply. “Just like that. He hadn’t even considered the idea of selling it.”  
“Really?” Lexa shook her head. Odd.  
Clarke nodded. “Things had been really slow for a while,” she explained as she flipped through the menu.  
Lexa shook her head. “I always thought that place seemed to hold its own pretty well.”  
Clarke shrugged and nodded a bit.  
“So, you made him an offer?” Lexa inquired further.  
“I did,” Clarke confirmed with a nod. “It seemed like a good idea. I mean, I wasn’t really painting anymore or anything, but I knew the business and I had made lot of connections over the years,” she shrugged, “and I had a lot of ideas on how to turn things around.”  
“Ideas that, I take it, worked?” Lexa shifted in her seat a little and crossed her legs.  
“So far, so good,” Clarke nodded. "You should come by and see it sometime."  
"I'd like that," Lexa smiled. She had thought about stopping by the gallery before, but she wasn't quite sure if she should.  
“Have you figured out what you would like?” The waitress returned and set their drinks down.  
Lexa blinked, realizing that it was her that was being spoken to. Shit. Um...  
“We’re still looking,” Clarke responded quickly.  
The woman glanced at her briefly. “Just flag me down when you’re ready,’ she said and with another quick smile was gone again.  
“You should probably take a look at the menu,” Clarke told her, motioning to the menu in front of her.  
“Right,” Lexa nodded as she opened her menu. Truth be told, she wasn’t even the slightest bit hungry. She picked up her coffee and took a sip, causing her face to twist up a bit because – holy fucking gross.  
“Not so good?” Clarke questioned with a slight chuckle.  
“Not at all,” Lexa shook her head as she set the mug back down. “That,” she pointed at the mug, “is some scary shit.”  
“Yeah, I probably should have warned you about that,” Clarke shook her head and continued to look over the menu.  
“You knew?” Lexa stared at her.  
“They’re not exactly known for their coffee,” Clarke smirked a little.  
“That is so not coffee,” Lexa shook her head, but laughed all the same.

After a few more minutes, their waitress returned to take their orders, joking with her a bit as she did. Lexa had settled on a salad while Clarke had opted for a burger. They continued to chat and even pick on each other a little while they waited for their food and even after its arrival and though most of the conversation seemed to be about work, it was flowing out so effortlessly that neither of them even seemed to mind it much. In fact, other than Clarke’s obvious growing annoyance, the whole thing was very pleasant. After another interruption from the waitress though, Lexa could clearly see Clarke tensing her jaw and finally she caved.

“Are you sure that you’re alright?” Lexa asked quietly as she leaned forward a bit.  
“It’s just rude,” Clarke responded rather snappishly.  
“What is?” Lexa shook her head. Shit.  
“The waitress,” Clarke huffed.  
“What?” Lexa asked as she glanced toward the counter where their waitress was putting a check together. “She’s been very pleasant.”  
“She keeps coming over here to flirt with you,” Clarke shifted in her seat, “and it’s totally fucking annoying and totally rude. For all she knows – we could be on a date.”  
“Okay, one, I highly doubt that people actually come here on dates,” Lexa shook her head, “and two, I don’t think that she’s flirting with me.”   
“Maybe not verbally,” Clarke’s eyebrows went up. “but I could spot those fuck me eyes from a mile away.”  
“Clarke!” Lexa hissed as her eyes widened. Really?  
Clarke just crossed her arms, looking thoroughly grumpy. “You really haven’t noticed how every time she comes over here she stands over by you, leaning on the back of your seat – or how been directing all of her questions to you specifically?”  
Lexa shook her head. Not really, no.

Okay. It was true, their waitress had definitely been over at their table way more than necessary, but she hadn’t really said or done anything – other than smile and ask if they needed anything – she was just doing her job. Turning her head slightly, Lexa could see the woman heading their way yet again and she glanced back to see Clarke biting the inside of her cheek. 

“Well, my shift is just about over,” She said as she approached the table, holding what appeared to be their check. “So, if there’s nothing else?”  
“No,” Lexa said as the woman paused next to her and dropped her hand onto the back of the booth. Coincidence. “We’re done.”  
“Alright then, you have a good day,” she smiled at her. “Hope to see you again soon,” she added as she set the check on the table in front of her and walked away.  
Lexa gave her a quick nod before turning her attention to the check, just in time to see Clarke scoop it up and roll her eyes. “Clarke,” she said as she shook her head. “Stop. I’ll take care of that.”  
“Nope,” Clarke said firmly as she quickly got to her feet. “I got this,” she said as she tore the bottom of the check off and walked away.

Lexa watched as Clarke walked to the counter and paid the bill, before marching down to the other side of the diner where their waitress had just reappeared from the back. Shifting in her seat to see better, Lexa felt her brow knit up as Clarke handed something to the woman, before exchanging a few words with her and then walking away. As she approached the table, Lexa couldn’t help but notice the tension that was showing in her face.

“What did you give her?” Lexa questioned curiously when Clarke slid back into the booth.  
“Her phone number,” Clarke answered simply before taking a sip of her water.  
Lexa felt her jaw slip at this. Wait, what? Seriously?  
“Told you so,” Clarke’s eyebrow popped a bit.  
Lexa sat stunned. Well, shit.

Okay, so – fair enough. Clarke had apparently been right and she was obviously blind. As awkward as the whole thing seemed, a light buzz suddenly began to hum in Lexa’s bones at the thought that Clarke didn’t want her to have that phone number. In fact, the very thought seemed to set off the strangest giddy feeling right in the center of her chest. 

Looking across the table, Lexa couldn’t help but smirk at the daggers that were still showing in Clarke’s eyes. “Do you feel better?” Brave or stupid – eh, fuck it.  
Clarke blinked and looked at her. “Maybe,” she answered firmly.  
For a moment, Lexa’s mind took her back to a time when Raven had commented about Clarke being ridiculously possessive of her and she grinned at the thought.   
“She was so ridiculously obvious,” Clarke shook her head as she began to collect her things. “I can't believe you couldn't tell.”  
Lexa stared at her for a second. “Clarke, I’m here with you,” she said as she got her feet and buttoned her blazer. “Everyone else is just a blur."  
Clarke stopped and looked up at her with a light blush forming on her cheeks. She smiled lightly, but didn’t respond.

After they exited the diner and said their goodbyes, Lexa watched Clarke walk down the block and turn the corner before finally getting into her car. In the back of her mind, she couldn't help but wonder if Clarke’s reaction inside the diner should bother her, simply because, the truth of the matter was that they were not, in fact, a couple, but as she slipped the key into the ignition, that strange giddy feeling tingled in her chest again and she simply shook her head.

Nope. Not bothered at all.


	47. Chapter 47

Clarke pushed a sculpture into the corner as the sound of Raven’s roaring laughter continued to fill her ears. Glancing over, she couldn’t help the grin that formed on her face as she watched Raven clutching at the obvious knit in her side. Seriously, this woman.

“It’s really not that funny,” Clarke told her as she gave the sculpture one last little tweak.  
“Seriously?” Raven shook her head. “Clarke, you gave the woman back her phone number? Like, who does that? That’s balls!”  
Clarke shrugged. Didn’t really seem like it. In fact, it made perfect sense at the time.  
“God. What did Lexa say?” Raven inquired curiously. “Was she pissed?”  
“She didn’t seem to be,” Clarke answered as she moved on to the next sculpture. Shit, was she?

Okay, so maybe she had been a little aggressive, but really, she just couldn’t help it. The way that that woman kept blatantly ignoring her and fawning all over Lexa had made her blood boil and the one time that her finger had almost come in contact with Lexa’s shoulder, well, she fought damn hard against the urge to reach out and break the fucking thing. Even when it was happening, she knew that her emotions were getting a bit out of control, but she couldn’t help it. She just couldn’t. 

Though her head was still admittedly full, there was one thing that she couldn’t deny – one thing that everyone knew to be true. There had always been something about Lexa that just made her feel uncharacteristically possessive - she couldn’t even help it and that was a feeling that had definitely been resurfacing lately. Granted, Lexa had never seemed to mind it before, but fuck – it had been a long time and what if now, she did mind it? Shit.

“So, how are things going with you and Lexa anyway?” Raven questioned her as she began to fiddle around with a couple of things on the table. “I know that you two have been talking more.”  
“And how do you know that?” Clarke questioned back with a glance over her shoulder.  
“By the silly little smile that you have on your face when you’re texting,” Raven answered simply. “That’s so a product of Lexa.”  
“So not true,” Clarke responded with a huff and rolled her eyes.  
“Totally true,” Raven smirked back at her as she dropped onto a stool.   
Clarke shot her a half serious glare and continued working.

Yeah, so, the statement was true, she knew that much – regardless of the fact that she wasn’t going to admit it. She and Lexa had been texting a lot more lately and yes, more often than not she found herself staring at her phone with a smile on her face, but again, she just couldn’t help it. It was just one of those stupid little things that she had been missing for a really long time. Those simple, short nonsense conversations. The last couple of weeks had honestly been so nice and so much different and though she wasn’t sure what had changed, man, did she not want it to change back. Fuck, hopefully she hadn’t just made a mistake by losing her cool at the diner. 

“So?” Raven’s voice broke into her thoughts.  
“Huh?” Clarke looked up. Damn it, zoning again.  
“How are things with you two?” Raven repeated her previous question.  
“Oh,” Clarke blinked rather foolishly. “Um, definitely better, at least, I think.”  
“You think?” Raven raised an eyebrow at her. “Any more screaming matches?”  
“Not lately,” Clarke shook her head. Nope. None at all.  
“Well, that’s something,” Raven nodded. “So, what do you think changed?”

Excellent fucking question!

Clarke leaned back against her desk for a moment and stared at her. “I don’t really know, but I think,” she paused and bit her tongue. Ugh. Here we go. “I think that maybe me letting go a bit helped some.”  
Raven’s eyebrows went up as a grin formed on her face. “You don’t say,” she teased playfully.  
Clarke rolled her eyes. She totally knew that one was coming. “I just – I thought about what you and Octavia were saying and the truth really is that nothing changes the way that I feel about her,” she explained rather quickly. “Like – nothing - believe me, I’ve tried.”  
Raven nodded, but surprisingly remained silent.  
“And Lexa’s been different too,” Clarke continued without much thought. “Like, ever since she told me that part of the reason that she turned down the assignment was because she wanted to be here with me, she’s just – it’s like, she’s not afraid of making how she feels, at least where I’m concerned, known. Hell, she basically told me that she has no desire to sleep with anyone who isn’t me and…”  
“Oh, my God!” Raven cut her off as her eyes went wide and she nearly slipped off of the stool. “She actually told you that?”  
Clarke felt her cheeks burn as released a shaky chuckle. Oops. “I’ll admit that I was pretty surprised,” she looked down at her hands.  
“That girl has got nerve,” Raven shook her head in what appeared to be amazement. “So, she’s just putting it out there?”  
“Pretty much,” Clarke nodded. “I mean, it’s not all the time – not by any means, it’s just, I don’t know. It’s little things – here and there.”  
“Still,” Raven shook her head. “All things considered, that’s pretty fucking bold.”  
“She says that she just knows what she wants,” Clarke pushed up off of her desk and shrugged.  
“Which, I’m assuming, is you,” Raven said pointedly.  
Clarke took a deep breath but didn’t respond.

Okay. So, there were a couple of things that she knew. She knew that Lexa was here because she wanted to be here – with her and from what she understood, Lexa hadn’t been sleeping with anyone else because, well – to put it plainly, she didn’t want to sleep with anyone who wasn’t her. At least, that was the way that the whole thing had translated in her mind. What she didn’t know though was if that all that Lexa wanted? Was she looking for things to return to the way they were or did she actually want more? There were certain things that had been said and done that had made her think that Lexa wanted more, but still, that voice in the back of her head – that tiny voice was being absolutely unrelenting in its assault on her thoughts. With everything that had been happening, she was pretty sure that if she just asked, Lexa would tell her, but no. Just no. The idea of that – no.

“Earth to Clarke,” Raven said rather loudly. “Where’d you go?”  
Clarke shrugged lamely and shook her head. Nope – not talking about it.   
“Clarke,” Raven gave her a knowing look.  
“Do you think…” Clarke started, but then shook her head. Fuck. Just, fuck. “Do you think that it’s just a sex thing?”  
“That what, is just a sex thing?” Raven asked with her brow knitted up.  
“All of this with Lexa,” Clarke answered in a somewhat smaller voice. “Like, do you think that she just…”  
“No,” Raven cut her off firmly. “I absolutely do not think that.”  
“But, before…” Clarke shook her head.  
“Things were different before,” Raven reminded her quickly. “Don’t short change what you and Lexa shared. As complicated as it got, it started out as a mutual decision.”  
“I know.” Clarke nodded. “I’m just…I’m…what if she doe...” she sighed and shook her head. Ugh. Fucking crap.

A silence fell between them as Clarke just chewed on the inside of her cheek, feeling the weight of Raven's gaze. She couldn't help the sense of fear that coursed through her veins and God, did she fucking hate it. 

“You want to be with her,” Raven’s voice came out very cautiously. “Don’t you?”  
Clarke swallowed hard, feeling her blood pressure rise a little. Fuck. “I'm not sure that I know how to be with her,” the words came out quietly, “at least, not like that.”  
“Clarke,” Raven shook her head and pinched the bridge of her nose. “Who knows how to be with anyone – like that, until they are? If you know what you want, then stop making yourself crazy and do something about it already.”  
“I can’t help that our history makes me apprehensive,” Clarke snapped lightly. She wasn’t quite sure where it came from, but damn it, if it wasn’t true. So fucking true. 

Even if she did want to be with Lexa - she didn't know what Lexa really wanted and the plain truth was that things couldn't be like they were before. They just couldn't. That much she already knew - that much, was true. Things couldn't be like they were before because not only would she want more - she would need it.

“Fair enough,” Raven shrugged slightly. “But, do you feel apprehensive when you’re with her?”  
Clarke looked at her and chewed on the inside of her lip.

Ugh. Not even a little bit.

“It’s like, I forget,” Clarke tried to explain as she dropped into the chair behind her desk. “Like, I barely even think about it, because I’m just so focused on her.”   
“Welcome to letting go,” Raven told her simply.

Well, shit.

“Look, I get the fear part of the whole thing, really – I do and I don’t think that you’re alone in it either,” Raven told her as she pushed up off of the stool. “I think that Lexa is just as scared, but I mean - come on, who goes through all of the shit that you two have, just to end up right back on the same path,” she shrugged and stuffed her hands into her pockets. “I think you two ending up together is the only possible outcome here. It just makes sense.”   
“Honestly,” Clarke paused and bit her lip again as a warmth bloomed in her chest. “Part of me has been starting to wonder if it’s just inevitable or something.”  
A grin pulled at Raven’s lips. “God Griffin, ” she shook her head. “It’s about fucking time you caught on to that fact.”  
Clarke narrowed her eyes slightly, but it was more for show than anything else.   
“Now, the only question is,” Raven grinned mischievously at her. “Which one of you is going to crack first?”  
“Wasn’t it you that said that the ball was in my court on that one?” Clarke questioned her rather sassily as she picked up her pen.  
“Ha, yeah, that was before I found out that Lexa hadn’t had sex in two years,” Raven started walking toward to door. “Now, my money is totally on her breaking first.”  
Clarke shook her head and turned her attention to the paperwork in front of her, but then…

Wait a minute…

“Raven, tell me that you guys aren’t taking bets on Lexa and I getting together,” Clarke’s eyes shot up quickly. Oh, these little shits. They had better not be.  
“Of course not,” Raven said with slight indignation as she paused with her hand on the door. “We’re taking bets on how long it takes for you two to sleep together,” she added with another slick grin.  
“Raven!” Clarke’s voice actually cracked as her eyes went wide. You have got to be kidding!  
“See you at home,” Raven popped her eyebrows before disappearing though the door. 

As the door clicked shut behind Raven, Clarke groaned and rolled her eyes toward the ceiling.

Yep, she totally needed new friends.


	48. Chapter 48

Lexa returned to her office after her third consecutive and very long meeting of the day. Truth be told, it had been a day from hell and really, she was so ready to just get out of there and head over to Clarke’s for another one of their game nights. Regardless of the fact that they could become extremely taxing in the mere blink of an eye, she still just couldn’t help but look forward to them. 

Pulling out her phone, Lexa couldn’t help but feel slightly disappointed when she saw that she had no messages. Though Clarke had seemed a little off following their lunch a couple of days ago, it didn’t last too terribly long and now they were right back into their random texting game. It was light and fun, and even though she kept trying not to read too much into it, she would have sworn that there was actually a bit of light flirting happening on Clarke’s part. 

A brisk knocking at her door suddenly pulled her attention.

“Hey Lexa,” Nia said as she stuck her head in the door.  
“What’s up?” Lexa turned in her chair to face her as she tucked her phone back into her pocket.  
“I need a favor,” Nia said as she stepped inside and closed to door.  
“Of course,” Lexa shrugged quickly, but something in Nia’s eyes instantly made her want to swallow those words.  
“I need you to go out on assignment this weekend.” Nia answered simply with apparently no intention of beating around the bush.  
Lexa felt her shoulders drop. No fucking way. Really? Fuck. “What?”  
“Look, I know that you don’t want to,” Nia continued quickly as she put her hand up, “that’s why it wasn’t even offered to you to begin with.”  
“Then why now?” Lexa questioned her just as quickly with her brow knitted up.  
“Because the idiot who was supposed to go, broke his ankle an hour ago while playing soccer with his nephews,” Nia answered with annoyance heavy in her tone. “I really need you on this one.”  
Lexa leaned back in her chair and pinched the bridge of her nose as an all too familiar tightening began to take hold in her chest and then, Clarke’s words began to bounce around in her head.

It’s not a game – it’s your career and you should be able to make decisions about it without taking me into consideration.

Well, fuck.

Not cool, this was so not fucking cool. She told Clarke that she wasn’t leaving – she told her, but Nia was her boss and obviously, this was something that needed to be taken care of. There was more to it than that though, Nia was more than just her boss, she was her friend and after their last conversation, she knew that Nia wouldn’t ask her again unless it was absolutely necessary - hell, she had specifically told her as much. Truth be told, Nia gave her a lot of leeway in her position and she really didn't want to do anything that jeopardized the working relationship that they had. Nope. In fact, she liked things just the way that they were. Still though, fuck.

“How long?” Lexa practically groaned.  
“That’s the best part,” Nia dropped into one of the chairs. “It’s only for the weekend. You’ll fly out tomorrow morning and be back here, in the office on Monday.”  
Lexa took a deep breath. Fuck. Just, fuck. “Okay,” she agreed with a firm nod. “Email me the details.”  
The sigh of relief that escaped Nia was unmistakable. “Thank you, so much. You just saved my ass,” she said as she got to her feet. “I’ll make it up to you,” she added before disappearing from the office.

Getting to her feet, Lexa slowly made her way out of her office and then out of the building. Taking a cigarette in her teeth, she lit it and inhaled deeply before rubbing at her temple firmly. Well, shit. This was so not how she thought that she would be spending her weekend. Not that she had any real plans otherwise, but still. A light buzzing in her pocket singled an incoming message and Lexa pulled it out, quickly noticing Clarke’s name on the screen.

Clarke: How about we skip tonight? 

Lexa frowned at the message. Seriously?

Lexa: Everything alright?  
Clarke: Today just sucks.  
Clarke: How about we go out and have a few drinks instead?

At this, Lexa perked up a bit. As long as she was still going to get to see Clarke, she didn’t really care where they were or what they were doing.

Lexa: That works for me.  
Clarke: Great. Azgeda at seven?

Lexa stared at her phone for a minute, just wondering if she should tell Clarke now about her assignment or wait until she saw her in person. She had to tell her, that much was obvious. Not telling her would probably set them back so far, but to tell her through a text just seemed so – no. It was better to do it in person, wasn’t it? To be able to sit down and explain what happened and why. A couple of minutes ticked by as she debated this, flicking her thumb against the filter of her cigarette before finally deciding that telling Clarke in person was the better way to go.

Lexa: Perfect.  
Clarke: :)  
Clarke: See you then!

Perfect. Lexa tucked her phone back into her pocket and took a long drag off of her cigarette. It would be fine. The two of them would go out tonight and over drinks she would simply explain what was happening. Clarke would be fine with it. She would be. Hell, it was her that had wanted Lexa to reconsider the last assignment. Clarke had said that she needed to be the one making the decisions regarding her career, right? It’s was going to be fine. Flicking away her cigarette with way more force than was necessary, Lexa adjusted her collar and made her way back inside.

As the hours ticked by Lexa continued to work, wanting to at least finish her current article before leaving for the evening. Nia had emailed her earlier with the details of her assignment for the weekend and thankfully, it wasn’t anything that she hadn’t already done before and with that knowledge, Lexa had no doubt that she would be able to breeze right through it and then get her ass on a plane and back home as soon as physically possible. 

“Lexa?” Nia said as she stuck her head back in the door. “What are you still doing here? Don’t you usually have plans on Friday nights?”  
Lexa tightened her grip on the pen between her teeth and continued to type. “Not until seven,” she answered without looking away from her screen. “I’m just finishing up.”  
“It’s a quarter after,” Nia sighed and shook her head.  
The pen dropped from Lexa’s teeth as her jaw slipped and she looked at the clock. God, damn it! “Shit,” she gasped as she jumped to her feet and grabbed her blazer off the back of her chair. “I’m late.”  
“You really need to start setting reminders on your phone or something.” Nia grinned at her sympathetically and shook her head again.   
“Oh hush,” Lexa mumbled as she slipped into her blazer and closed her laptop.  
“Seriously,” Nia chuckled as they walked down the hallway together. “You get way to into your work.”  
“I’m just focused,” Lexa countered quickly.  
“Life’s about more than just work, Lexa,” Nia reminded her playfully as they parted ways. “Say hello to your girl for me.”  
Lexa stopped short and looked at her. “She’s not my girl,” she shook her head.  
“Not yet,” Nia grinned at her again. “But, I have faith.”  
Lexa blinked at her, unsure of how to respond.  
“Then again, if you keep her waiting any longer, she probably never will be.” Nia shook her head. “Get out of here already.”  
Lexa blinked again and then turned on her heel, quickly making her way to her car.

Thankfully, the traffic lights were on her side this time and she made it to Azgeda in record time. After quickly finding a parking spot in their slightly crowded parking lot, she practically leapt from her car. Thirty minutes late - though not to terrible, still shitty nonetheless. Her honest hope was that Clarke was still going to be there waiting for her. After all, she hadn’t received any messages stating otherwise.

Finally crossing the threshold into the bar though, Lexa came to an abrupt halt as her eyes fell on Clarke. She was standing at the bar, in the arms of a familiar blonde. Niylah. Shit. All that she could do was stand there because honestly, she just didn’t know what else to do. Was there even a proper etiquette for a situation such as this? Probably not. As she stood there, unable to stop staring, her heart clenched and her body temperature started to climb as she watched Niylah smile and tuck a piece of hair behind Clarke’s ear. A low rumble began to hum in her chest and that was all it took for her to decide that maybe she should just go back outside for a bit. Yeah – maybe that would be the best thing.

Swallowing hard, Lexa turned and retreated back through the door as she took a cigarette in her teeth.


	49. Chapter 49

Clarke shifted sleepily, she didn’t want to wake up She didn’t. Not yet. She was warm and cozy and just – no, however, knowing that she had a meeting this morning, she knew that she really had to. Crap. Moving to roll over though, she was hit with the quick sense of falling before thudding heavily onto the floor as her ears filled with the sound of Raven’s laughter. 

“Ow,” Clarke groaned as she opened her eyes, surprised to find herself lying on the living room floor. Shit. She must have fallen asleep sketching last night.  
“That,” Raven continued to laugh, “was great.”  
“Why’d you let me sleep on the couch?” Clarke groaned again, but made no move to get up.  
“I tried to wake you,” Raven shrugged, “but you were being – you, so be glad I even gave you a blanket.”  
“What time is it?” Clarke yawned, stretching out her body.  
“Eh,” Raven paused for a second, probably checking her phone. “Just about eight.”  
Clarke’s eyes instantly snapped open. Seriously? “Fuck,” she scrambled to her feet and darted toward the hallway.  
“What?” Raven called after her.  
“I have a meeting at nine!” Clarke yelled back as she slammed the bathroom door and threw herself into a quicks shower.

Shit. 

After rushing through what was probably the fastest shower of her life, Clarke rushed from the bathroom. She needed to find something to wear – and fast. As she turned the corner into her room, she misjudged her step let out a loud whine as her tiny toe came in contact with the leg of the dresser. Sonofa…..! It may have only been a toe, but the pain of it was enough to instantly send her crumbling to the floor and then checking to make sure that the stupid thing was still attached because – damn. Taking a few deep breaths, Clarke wiped away the moisture that had appeared in her eyes and got to her feet before lightly limping her way over to her closet where she quickly flipped through a couple of things, before setting on a nice fitting pair of dark pants with a white blouse and black heels. Next – hair and makeup.

“A quarter after!” Raven’s voice echoed down the hallway a short time later.  
Clarke made a final adjustment to her hair and started in the mirror for a moment. Not great – but not so bad either. It would have to do. “Fuck it,” she mumbled before exiting the bathroom.

“How do I look?” Clarke asked as she reentered the living room, her tone coming out almost frantic.  
“You look great,” Raven responded simply. “Why are you freaking out? What’s the big deal?”  
“The big deal, is that I have a meeting in like, forty minutes with an artist that I have been trying to secure in this next showcase for months,” Clarke explained hurriedly. “I really – really want this one,” she added as she scooped up her purse and her keys.  
“Alright, well just take a deep breath,” Raven said as she got to her feet. “You got everything?”  
“Purse, keys, clothes,” Clarke rattled off absentmindedly. “Think I’m good.”  
“Phone?” Raven gave her a questioning look.  
“Shit,” Clarke glanced around quickly. Come on – seriously.  
Raven shook her head and stalked over to the couch, slipping her hands in between the cushions for a moment. “Got it,” she held it up victoriously.  
“Ugh, lifesaver,” Clarke said as she took it from her.  
“Duh,” Raven grinned at her and gave her a nudge. “Good luck.”  
“Thanks,” Clarke gave her a quick smile, popping her eyebrows and was out the door.

The ride to the gallery was mostly calm, minus the slight anxiousness that she was feeling, but the traffic was light and she was making excellent time. Hell, at this rate, she would even be able to grab a cup of coffee on the way and that, was a really good thing. A few minutes later, just as the coffee shop came into view, a car in the opposite lane went by rather fast and with it, a sound similar to a firecracker, radiated throughout the car, making her flinch slightly. Knowing almost instantly what it was, Clarke’s eyes quickly scanned the windshield until…

“You have got to be fucking kidding me,” She spat out angrily.

Shit. Shit.

Pulling over, Clarke quickly got out to assess the damage. There, low on the passenger side of the windshield was a crack that was roughly the size of a quarter. Well, it wasn’t really a crack, at least – not exactly. Actually, it looked more like a bubble than anything else, but still – fucking crap. Deciding to deal with it later, she simply rolled her eyes and made her way toward the coffee shop. Even with this little mishap, she knew that she still had time. 

Entering the coffee shop, Clarke could have done a little happy dance when the first thing she noticed was that there was barely a line, which meant – this would be quick. In and out. Perfect. Within minutes she was at the counter, placing her order and just a couple of minutes after that, the barista was handing her the order that she had placed and bidding her a good day. Yep – perfect. Turning to leave however, her body suddenly collided with someone else’s and as her hand squeezed tightly on her coffee, the top popped off, sending a waterfall of coffee cascading all down her front. With a sharp intake of breath, she quickly she pulled soaked fabric away from her skin because – fucking hot.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

“I am so sorry,” The man quickly apologized. “I wasn’t watching where I was going and...”  
Clarke took a deep breath. “Nope, totally my fault,” she replied though her clenched teeth.  
“Um…here…I,” he stuttered a bit. “Let me get you another.”  
“No,” Clarke shook her head. “That’s alright…”  
“I insist,” he said firmly.  
Clarke glanced at the clock on the wall. Okay – she still had time. “Thank you,” she offered him a small smile. 

Luckily, it only took a few more minutes for the barista to remake her coffee and after thanking the man who had bumped into her, Clarke quickly made her way back out of the coffee shop. Nearing her car though, she stopped short when her eyes fell on a small slip of paper that was stuck under her windshield wiper blade and flapping in the wind. Curiously she walked over to it and picked it up. A parking ticket – really? Her eyes quickly found the meter that she hadn’t previously noticed and as the word expired began to taunt her, her blood began to boil slightly.

“Now you’re just fucking with me,” Clarke said with a quick glance toward the sky before getting back into her car.

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. 

Finally reaching the gallery Clarke made her way inside and quickly glanced at the clock. Shit – out of time. Looking down at her now stained blouse, she let out a sigh. Fuck. She needed a new top – like now. Moving toward the back, she grabbed the only thing that she could think of, which happened to be a heavily stained smock and shoved her arms into it. Just as she finished doing up the buttons, the sound of the door opening filled her ears and she took another deep breath. Here we go. 

Several hours later, way longer than Clarke had anticipated, her meeting finally came to an end. Unfortunately the artist was unable to commit to the showcase in question due to other arrangements, but everything had gone so well, that when the two of them decided to keep the lines of communication open for another showcase further down the line.  
Once by herself Clarke released a small sigh of frustration as she walked back toward her desk. She couldn’t deny the slight bit of disappointment that she felt, but the fact that it wasn’t a flat out no – was still something. 

Approaching her desk, Clarke felt a slight tick as her ankle abruptly shifted to the right and she stumbled sideways, catching herself against the edge of the desk. As she stared down at the now broken heel on her foot, she couldn’t help but feel like her head was about to explode. This was so not her fucking day.

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit Shit.

“Fuck you, too,” Clarke snapped as she kicked the broken heel across the gallery and dropped down into her chair.

She sat there stewing for a few minutes before her thoughts finally drifted to Lexa and a small smile pulled at her lips. After her most recent conversation with Raven about Lexa, she had decided to, in a sense, through caution to the wind – just to see if she could kind of feel out where things really were and so far, she liked where it seemed to be going. Over the last couple of days, she and Lexa had been playing a bit of text tag and if Clarke wasn’t mistaken – Lexa had definitely been flirting with her. Not that she hadn’t been flirting as well, but still. Tonight they were set to have another one of their game nights – which was great, but with the day she’d been having…eh.

Pulling out her phone, Clarke thought for a moment or two before firing off a message.

Clarke: How about we skip tonight?  
Lexa: Everything alright?

Clarke grinned at the screen and shook her head. Of course, Lexa would ask that.

Clarke: Today just sucks.  
Clarke: How about we go out and have a few drinks instead?  
Lexa: That works for me.

Yes!

Clarke: Great. Azgeda at seven?

Clarke leaned back in her chair and waited. As the minutes ticked by, she couldn’t deny the bit of nervousness that began to bubble under her skin until finally those three little dots began to blink on the screen again.

Lexa: Perfect.  
Clarke: :)  
Clarke: See you then!

Tossing her phone to the side, Clarke kicked off her other heel and walked into the back. Time to get some actual work done.

Hours later, after making a quick stop at home to freshen up and change her coffee-stained clothes, Clarke was perched on a stool in Azgeda, eagerly awaiting Lexa’s arrival. She had recognized a few of the other people in the bar and even made a bit of small talk to pass the time, but as the clock hit five minutes past seven, she couldn’t resist pulling out her phone to fire off a message and bust on Lexa about her punctuality or in this case, lack thereof. As she began to type, the image of a red faced Lexa popped into her head and she smirked lightly before…

“What the hell?” Clarke’s brow knitted up as she stared at the black screen.

After pressing the home button several times in frustration, a simple fact finally dawned on her. She had fallen asleep on the couch the night before, which meant that she never plugged her phone in and her battery, was now dead. Brilliant.

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit Shit. Shit.

With a little more force than intended, Clarke slammed her phone down onto the bar and let out a sigh that was weighted with frustration. This fucking day.

“You alright there?” A familiar voice filled her ears.  
Clarke turned, already knowing who it was and smiled warmly. “Hey,” she greeted Niylah.  
“Hey. What are you doing here?” Niylah asked as she dropped a hand down on to the edge of the bar. “I thought that your Friday nights were booked.”  
“Oh, they are,” Clarke explained quickly. “I’m meeting Lexa here.”  
“Ah, very nice,” Niylah nodded at her. “I take it that means things are going well?”  
Clarke couldn’t help the smile that spread across her face.  
“Well, now I’m intrigued,” Niylah smiled back at her. “Think you have time to catch me up?”  
Clarke glanced at the door, but there was still no sign of Lexa. “Yeah,” she nodded, “but an abridged version though.”  
“I’m all ears,” Niylah replied simply.

Clarke took a deep breath and started to explain, but before long, it actually turned more into a ramble than anything else. The minutes still kept ticking by with still no Lexa, so she just kept right on rambling as Niylah listened quietly with a small smile playing on her face. By the time she stopped, Clarke had to draw in another deep breath as a lot of information had just tumbled from her lips in the last twenty minutes or so.

“Wow,” Niylah smiled and shook her head. “See what happens when you let go of some of that anger and drop your guard a little?”  
“Yeah, yeah,” Clarke rolled her eyes playfully.  
“Seriously though,” Niylah nudged her. “I’m really glad to hear that things are starting to work out. I mean, I know that I only met Lexa the one time, but I liked her and from the way that your eyes are so lit up, it’s beyond obvious how much happier you are right now.”  
“I am,” Clarke nodded. Not even going to lie. “I mean, we’re still kind of feeling the whole thing out, but I think – I hope…” she trailed off with a light smile and a tiny shrug.  
“Like I told you before, Clarke – just keep doing what you’re doing,” Niylah nodded as she tipped her beer bottle at her, “and ignore that little voice in your head.”  
A smile pulled at Clarke’s lips. “You know,” she started slowly. “I want to thank you.”  
“Thank me?” Niylah shook her head in confusion. “For what?”  
“Everything,” Clarke shrugged. It was hard to explain – it was just, everything. “For being there, for listening – for cutting right through my bullshit and setting me straight when I needed it the most.”  
“Ha,” Niylah scoffed lightly. “Trust me, Clarke, there’s nothing straight about you.”  
“Oh,” Clarke laughed and tipped her head slightly. “So, you’re a comedian now?”  
“Well, everyone needs a hobby,” Niylah replied with a laugh and gave her a lazy shrug.  
Clarke smiled at her and simply nodded before another thought popped into her head – one that suddenly sent of a nervous feeling, deep in her belly. “We’re still going to be friends, aren’t we?”  
Niylah’s brow knitted up for just a second. “Why would you ask me that?”  
“I just,” Clarke started and stopped. She didn’t know how to explain the sudden fear that had just bloomed in her chest.  
Niylah set her beer on the bar and shook her head slightly before reaching forward and pulling her into a hug. “Of course we’re still going to be friends,” she told her firmly.  
Clarke wrapped her arms around Niylah’s shoulders and gave her a squeeze, feeling relief as she took in her words.  
“You know me better than that,” Niylah reminded as she pulled back and with a smile, reached up to tuck a strand of her hair behind her ear.  
Clarke smiled back at her. It was true, she did – but still, hearing her say it helped.  
Niylah’s eye’s suddenly shifted to something behind her.  
Clarke turned, effectively stepping out of the hug and though she looked in the direction of Niylah’s gaze, she didn’t see anything. “What?” She questioned curiously.  
“You have explained to Lexa that there hasn't been anything going on between us anymore,” Niylah’s eyebrows went up. “Right?”  
Clarke shook her head. She hadn’t really thought about. Her and Niylah weren’t actually a thing, so… Wait.

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit Shit. Shit. Shit.

“Go,” Niylah motioned to the door. “Make sure that she understands.”  
Clarke nodded, instantly turning on the spot and making her way to the door. Fuck. Did Lexa really think..? Ugh! God, damn it.

Once out on the street, Clarke glance around, but didn’t see Lexa anywhere. Fuck, just – fuck. After literally stomping her foot in frustration, she turned and started to make her way back into the bar, when a figure caught her attention and moving closer, she realized that it was Lexa.

“Hey,” Clarke said as she stopped a few feet away. “What are you doing out here?”  
“Smoking,” Lexa answered simply as she held up her cigarette. “I’m sorry that I’m late. I would have messaged you, but honestly, by the time I even thought about it, I was less than a block away.”  
“Wouldn’t have mattered,” Clarke shrugged. “I tried to message you a little while ago and my phone died.”  
“Nice,” Lexa nodded and took another drag off of her cigarette.  
Clarke eyed her for a moment. She honestly had no idea how to proceed here. “I thought that you left,” she finally said.  
Instantly Lexa’s cheeks flushed a little and she cleared her throat. “You looked busy,” she nodded, “so I just figured that I’d grab a quick smoke – clear my head.”  
“Clear it of what?” Clarke questioned her carefully. She didn’t know what Lexa had seen, or what she had thought she’d seen and she really didn’t want this to turn into a fight.  
“Work stuff,” Lexa shrugged and shook her head, but the deepening color of her cheeks told another story.  
Clarke grinned a little and shook her head. Uh huh. “Bullshit,” she made her claim come out playfully, but she absolutely meant it.  
Lexa looked up with an obvious tension in her eyes, and as bit at the inside of her lip, it became pretty obvious that she was trying to locate the proper words to use.  
Clarke felt her eyebrow raise slightly as she released a sigh. “Lexa…”  
“I’m sorry,” Lexa cut her off abruptly.  
“For what?” Clarke shook her head in confusion.  
"I might have read to much into our messages," Lexa nodded slightly.  
"Meaning?" Clarke pushed her a little. What is it?  
Lexa swallowed hard and flicked her thumb against the filter of her cigarette. “I thought that you were flirting with me,” she said as she dropped her gaze to the ground.  
“Well, that's good,” Clarke shrugged as a tiny smirk formed on her face, “because I was flirting with you.”  
Lexa looked at her. “But,” her eyes bounced toward the door.  
“Lexa,” Clarke shook her head. Crap. Okay. “Look, in the interest of full disclosure, you know about my history with Niylah, but there hasn’t been anything like that going on between us for a while now," she explained. "I suppose that I probably should have just told you that, but I really didn’t think about it and I guess - maybe I just thought that you would know it, being that we’re…” she paused and bit her lip, “figuring things out.”  
Lexa held her gaze as the tiniest smile played on her lips.  
Clarke smiled at her. Seriously, could she be any cuter? “Do you feel better now?”  
Lexa nodded, but didn’t break her stare and the weight of that stare - God!  
“Good,” Clarke told her quickly, feeling a slight warmth climb up her neck. “So, how about you come greet me properly, and then we can go have those drinks?”  
Lexa gave a quick nod and stepped forward, dropping a chaste kiss on her cheek.

The smell of cigarette smoke became suddenly prominent and on reflex, Clarke quickly exhaled though her nose because honestly - gross. It was clear that Lexa had noticed and as she took a step back and turned toward the outdoor ashtray, Clarke watched her with a sudden idea blooming in her mind. She hated the fact that Lexa smoked - like, really hated it, but she wouldn’t force her to quit. She wouldn't. She wouldn’t force her to do anything. However, being that her friends were always so quick to point out that she never played fair…

“You know, I just don’t get it,” Clarke shook her head. “I could never do it,” she added as her hand barely motioned to the ashtray.  
Lexa turned and looked at her. “Smoke?” She questioned curiously as she snuffed out the rest of her cigarette.  
“Or date someone who smokes,” Clarke simply shrugged, keeping her tone rather bubbly as she turned and started back toward the entrance. 

Though it may not have been fair, it was true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You honestly thought that we were going to go backwards?


	50. Chapter 50

Lexa stood rooted on the spot as she watched Clarke walk back toward the entrance of Azgeda. Clenching her jaw slightly, she chewed on the inside of her lip a bit and narrowed her eyes. Clarke Griffin didn’t play fair. Yep. There was no doubt about that. She never had and she never would, and honestly, Lexa never really minded that fact much. She knew that Clarke hated that she smoked, hell – everyone hated it, but none of them would have even attempted to try and force her to quit. Oh, they would state their opinions that she should and the many reasons why, but nothing beyond that. This, was something else though. This was Clarke simply stating a fact and leaving her to decide what to do with the information. 

Fair enough. Well played even.

Clarke opened the door and looked at her expectantly. “You coming?”  
Lexa nodded, walking forward, just as she neared though, she reached in her pocket and pulled out her cigarettes, tossing them into a garbage bin as she passed.  
Clarke’s eyebrows went up as she eyed her skeptically. “Just like that?”  
Lexa paused in front of her for a second. “I told you,” she said, being sure to meet her eyes, “I know what I want.”  
Clarke held her gaze as her lips parted with a response that never came.  
A light tick pulled at the corner of Lexa’s lips before she stepped through the door and back inside.

Approaching the bar, Lexa couldn’t ignore the warm bubbly feeling in her chest and her mind felt dizzy with the information that she had received. One – whatever had been going on between Clarke and Niylah was apparently no more and two – Clarke had actually been flirting with her. If she had been in any other place at that very moment, she might have just done a little dance or at the very least pumped her fist into the air simply because – yes! 

Though there had been noticeable changes in the way they had been interacting lately, hearing Clarke openly admit that she had, in fact, been flirting with her was way more than she expected to hear when she agreed to go out for drinks. Granted, flirting wasn’t really a green light to anything more, but still – it was something. Finally reaching the bar, Lexa dropped down onto one of the stools and took a deep breath.

“Smooth,” Clarke grinned as she sat down next to her.  
Lexa turned to look at her. “Honest,” she corrected her. It was true. While smoking was something that she did somewhat enjoy, it wasn’t something at was actually necessary in her life – she didn’t need it. Clarke on the other hand…Clarke was like oxygen – definitely needed. 

When the bartender stopped in front of them, Clarke quickly ordered their drinks and as soon as they were set down in front of them, Lexa took a long sip off of hers and decided that she should address the topic of her assignment and not beat around the bush about it.

“I actually have something that I need to talk to you about,” Lexa told her, feeling her heart rate increase, but only slightly.  
“Is it going to add to my day?” Clarke chuckled a little.  
“You did say that today sucked, didn’t you?” Lexa nodded with a tiny grin. Yeah – this probably wasn’t going to make it any better.  
“I did and it has,” Clarke sighed. “Okay – hit me with it.”  
Lexa took a deep breath. “Nia asked me to go on an assignment,” she explained carefully. “She didn’t want to ask me, but she was really in a bind, so I told her that I would do it.”  
Clarke gave her a small nod, but there was definitely a bit of disappointment showing in her eyes. “When do you leave?”  
“Tomorrow morning,” Lexa answered. “But, it’s only for the weekend. I’ll be back here on Monday.”  
Clarke smiled at her. “That’s not so bad,” she acknowledged, shaking her head slightly.  
“No, it’s not.” Lexa agreed. “Are you angry?”  
Clarke turned toward her. “No,” she shook her head. “I’m not mad. I'm glad that you won't be gone for a long time though.”  
“Me too," Lexa’s voice came out with a slight crack at the very thought.  
“Listen Lexa, I meant what I said about your career,” Clarke stated firmly. “I know that it might be hard to believe it because – well, I’m me and I get a little,” she flailed her hands a bit, “but I did mean it. Those are your choices to make and I don’t want you to be – stressed about making them, because of me.”  
Lexa nodded. 

It was true, she had been a little apprehensive about what Clarke had said and whether or not she would actually get upset if she went on an assignment. 

“Thank you for telling me though,” Clarke told her as she picked up her drink. “I probably wouldn’t have even known if you hadn’t. It’s not like we see each other that much.”  
“I wanted you to know,” Lexa responded quickly. “And, you do know that we can see each other as often as you’d like, right?”  
Clarke looked at her, her brow furrowing lightly. “As often as I like?”  
“Well yeah,” Lexa shrugged. “I’ve never been against spending any amount of time with you.” Totally true.  
Clarke stared at her for a moment. “You never initiate it though,” she pointed out.  
Lexa nodded. Okay, that was true too. She cleared her throat. “I wasn’t sure that I should,” she tried to explain, “and, um…Anya suggested that I leave those things for you to decide.”  
Clarke’s eyebrows went up as a smile spread on her face. “So, you’re taking advice from Anya now,” she said with clear amusement in her voice.  
Lexa laughed. “It’s not like that,” she took a sip of her drink. “She just told me that us spending time together should be your decision and honestly, it made sense.”  
Clarke sat silent, seemingly taking in her words. “I can see where that would make sense,” she said after a moment, “but at the same time, I also disagree with it.”  
Lexa looked at her, feeling her brow knit up as her mind hazed with confusion. “Because?”  
“Because I don’t want you to feel like you need permission,” Clarke answered simply. “That’s not how it’s supposed to work. I mean, I know how things have been since you’ve been back, but they’re different now.”  
“They are,” Lexa agreed with a nod. “So, you’re saying that if I wanted to see you, you’d be okay with me just stopping in at your gallery or at your apartment even?”  
“Well now, that depends,” Clarke responded in a playful tone as she picked up her glass.  
Lexa grinned a little. Hm. “On what?”  
“Would you bring me food?” Clarke questioned her with a smirk.  
Lexa smiled back at her. Seriously? “Don’t I usually?”  
“Fair point,” Clarke replied with a nod. “Okay then, you may."  
Lexa felt a slight tingling in her belly. “I might,” she grinned at her. “Now, tell me about your day.”  
Clarke groaned and slapped her hand against her forehead, causing a slight eruption of giggles between them. 

By the time Clarke finished explaining about her day they were almost finished with their second drink and all that Lexa could do was shake her head and laugh because – damn. Clarke had really had a day. A moment later, Clarke excused herself to the rest room and while she waited for her to return, Lexa opened her phone and began scrolling through her emails as she took another sip from her glass. Normally, she would have just stepped out to smoke but – nope. 

“Hello again, Lexa,” A voice said behind her.  
Lexa turned curiously. “Niylah,” she greeted her calmly, though not without obvious tension. “What can I do for you?”  
“I was wondering if I could talk to you for a moment,” Niylah answered simply.  
Lexa nodded and turned to face her fully as she tucked her phone away.  
“I make you uncomfortable,” Niylah told her knowingly. “Don’t I?”  
Lexa took a deep breath. Yes, and no. “Not exactly uncomfortable,” she answered.  
“But you’re wary of me,” Niylah responded rather quickly.  
Lexa stared at her, instantly feeling her face tighten. Uh - yeah. She didn’t want to admit that it was true, but she didn’t want to deny it either, so she opted for silence instead.

She was wary of Niylah and whatever her intentions might be where Clarke was concerned. She couldn’t even help it. It wasn’t Niylah’s fault specifically – not really. Though she had only ever been around Niylah one time – the woman hadn’t been anything but polite to her. She had no real reason to distrust - or even dislike her. No. It wasn’t Niylah’s fault. It actually had more to do with Lexa and her own insecurities than anything else. 

“Listen,” Niylah began firmly. “I know that an automatic instinct is to view me a some kind of a threat, but I want you to know that I’m really not.”  
Lexa stared at her for a moment. Were they seriously having this conversation? “Clarke told me that nothing is going on between the two of you,” she replied with a nod. “I trust her and by default – that.”  
“But, you don’t trust me,” Niylah pointed out with a smile.  
“I don’t know you,” Lexa countered simply as she shook her head.  
“That’s true,” Niylah conceded with a simple nod. “But, I don’t want you worrying when Clarke is with me. I understand what’s between the two of you, and I respect it,” she explained. “There is a certain closeness between her and I – that’s true enough, but I’d really like for you to just trust that we are only friends.”  
Lexa eyed her carefully and swallowed hard, actually unsure of how to respond or if she should at all.  
Niylah was eyeing her right back, she seemed to be deciding something. “Lexa, I don’t form romantic attachments,” she finally stated bluntly.  
“Don’t?” Lexa questioned, feeling her eyebrow pop up. Well, that sounded familiar.  
“I mean it literally,” Niylah confirmed with a nod. “I never have. I’m actually quite confident that I’m simply incapable – not to imply that I’m broken by any means.”  
“Just because you haven’t doesn’t mean that you never will,” Lexa shrugged simply. It wasn’t a dig – at least, it wasn’t meant to be, she was just pointing out a fact.  
“True enough,” Niylah agreed. “However, the point – is that I haven’t,” she explained. “So jealousy, in this case, is really just going to lead to unnecessary conflict and you two have already had enough of that, don’t you think?”

No argument there.

Lexa stared at her and bit the inside of her lip. Niylah was a character - there was no doubt about that. It was obvious that she cared for Clarke, though apparently, her feelings weren't romantic after all. While the entire conversation seemed quite odd to her, Lexa understood what Niylah was trying to do and honestly, she respected it. “I understand,” she nodded after a beat.  
“So, we good then?” Niylah questioned her with a kind smile.  
“Yeah,” Lexa replied quietly, her mind feeling rather hazed by it all. “I think we are.”  
"Good," Niylah said in a pleasant tone and she set her empty bottle on the bar. "Perhaps someday, we can get to know each other too."  
"Perhaps," Lexa nodded, before blinking and shaking her head. “You’re rather bold, aren’t you?”  
“Life’s too short to be anything but.” Niylah smiled at her again and turned to walk away. “I’ll see you around.”

Lexa picked up her glass and brought it to her lips as she watched Niylah cross the room and leave the bar, she shook her head again.  
Yep. Definitely a character.


	51. Chapter 51

Clarke moved through her kitchen trying, and mostly failing, to not look at her phone. Lexa’s flight had left early that morning – before she had even woken up and she had promised to message her when she landed, which should have been more than an hour ago, and still – nothing. 

What the hell? 

It wasn’t that she was angry about it – she wasn’t, it was just – well, honestly – she missed her. She knew that it was absurd and that it didn’t even make any sense – hell, they had just been together the night before, but still, it was true. In fact, it seemed like the more time that they spent together, the more that she would miss her when they were apart. Her fingers were itching to just text her – even if she wouldn’t get a reply, but she wasn’t going give in to that. Nope. Not doing it. Taking a deep breath, Clarke set her phone down on the counter, just as she turned to walk away though, it began to buzz. 

Lexa: Just got it. Stupid delay.  
Lexa: Hope you slept well.

Clarke smiled down at the screen happily. Finally!

Clarke: There you are!  
Lexa: Here I am.  
Lexa: I hate delays.  
Clarke: You could have messaged me. I would have kept you company.  
Lexa: You were sleeping. It was fine. I read.  
Clarke: I wouldn’t have minded.  
Lexa: Bullshit. :)  
Lexa: I’ll be leaving to head over to the hotel soon, so I can’t talk long. Sorry.  
Clarke: It’s fine. Go take care of your stuff.

Clarke bit her lip and thought for a moment.

Clarke: Will you maybe – text me later though?  
Lexa: I will definitely text you later.  
Clarke: :)  
Lexa: I hope that you have a good day.  
Clarke: I hope you do too.

Smiling again, Clarke took her cup of coffee and sat down at the table.

“Yep,” Raven said as she entered the room. “There’s that Lexa-induced smile that I was talking about.”  
Clarke rolled her eyes and shook her head, but still smiled nonetheless. “I’ve been waiting to hear from her,” she replied as she set her phone . “Apparently her flight was delayed.”  
“Flight?” Raven turned and eyed her with confusion. “What flight?”  
“Work,” Clarke shrugged as she took a sip of her coffee. “Nia needed her help.”  
“I thought that she said she wasn’t going out on any assignments,” Raven shook her head, obviously still confused.  
“You do what you have to do, right?” Clarke shrugged as she began to scroll through the newsfeed on her phone.  
“Who are you?” Raven questioned her.  
Clarke simply smirked and shook her head.

Hours later, the day was just dragging on. Though she had filled her time with the normal monotonous every day activities that needed to be taken care of – nothing seemed to remove her boredom or her desire to see Lexa. Though on the latter, she had come to the conclusion that her need there was being intensified by the simple fact that she knew that she couldn’t – at least not until Lexa came back from her assignment. So close and yet, so far.

Just as she finished cleaning the refrigerator, her phone began to buzz in her pocket.

***New Event Created***

A: Well?  
JasperJ: I’ll be there.  
Reyes: Yep!  
A: Not surprised.  
Reyes: You’d miss me if I skipped!  
A: You’d never skip.  
Reyes: Fair point.  
MontyG: I’m in.

Clarke stared down at the messages and took a deep breath. She hadn’t attended a weekend at Anya’s since before Lexa had left. Hell, the closest that she had even gotten to that place was being parked outside on the random occasion that Raven needed a ride. Anya never took it personally, in fact – she seemed to totally understand that the stir of emotions that the mere thought of it created in her were just too much. Now though…

Princess: In.  
Reyes: Wow! Now that’s progress!  
Princess: :P  
BigBlake: Count me in.  
JasperJ: Awesome!  
Reyes: About time, Blake!  
Reyes: It feels like we haven’t seen you in forever.  
BigBlake: I know.  
BabyBlake: Yes! :) :)

Clarke smiled down at the messages. Nice! While it was true that she had been absent at Anya’s for the last two years, Bellamy had been so busy over the last couple of months that he had pretty much absent from everything.

BabyBlake: I’m totally in!  
Linc: Me too. Need anything?  
A: I don’t think so.  
JasperJ: RoP?  
A: Vodka.  
Reyes: You and your sister, I swear.  
A: Mhm.  
JasperJ: Speaking of – why isn’t she answering?  
Princess: She’s working.  
A: On assignment?  
Princess: Yep.  
A: Really?  
Princess: Yes.  
A: Hm.  
Reyes: Who’s cooking for this one?  
A: I am.  
BigBlake: I’ll help.  
BabyBlake: Me too.  
Reyes: Beer?  
JasperJ: Got it.

Tucking her phone away, Clarke finished cleaning up her current time killing project and moved on to a new one and basically, that was how the remainder of her day went. Just moving from thing to thing, trying like hell to pass the time and not think too much about Lexa and then when she did, scolding herself for missing her, because really – it was just ridiculous. Totally ridiculous and she knew that, but still, she just couldn’t help it. 

Several hours later, Clarke was sitting on the couch finishing up her dinner, which ended up being a bowl of cereal, due to her lack of a desire to clean one more single thing and the knowledge that if tried to make herself anything else she’d probably spend the rest of the night doing just that – cleaning up from it. Though she was feeling rather sleepy, Lexa had said that she was going to text her and come hell or high water, she was going to stay awake for that text.

Seeing her phone light up in the corner of her vision, she quickly grinned and scooped it up.

Lexa: How was the rest of your day?  
Clarke: Boring!  
Lexa: Aw – poor thing.  
Clarke: Oh hush.  
Clarke: What are you doing?  
Lexa: Waiting for my food.  
Clarke: Takeout?  
Lexa: Room service.

Clarke stared at the screen and bit her lip, debating for barely a moment before caving and pressing the FaceTime button. 

Within seconds Lexa accepted the call and Clarke stared at the screen trying to figure out what she was looking at. “Lexa?” She finally asked.  
“Yeah?” Lexa’s voice filled the room.  
“What the hell am I looking at?” Clarke questioned curiously as she twisted the phone still trying to figure it out.  
“The ceiling,” Lexa answered simply.  
“Why?” Clarke felt her brow furrow.  
“Because I’m getting dressed,” Lexa replied.  
“Oh,” Clarke said as a sudden yawn escaped her. “You could have just ignored the call,”

After a brief silence, the image on the screen shifted and continued to move until finally coming to rest on something that gave her a clearer view of the room. Finally Lexa appeared on the screen, or rather, the back of her, as she was walking away from the camera to the other side of the room, Clarke couldn’t stop her eyes from raking over the image. Lexa was dressed in a black tank top and black sleep pants with her hair still visibly damp from the shower that she had obviously just taken.

“Why would I do that?” Lexa asked her.  
“Because you were busy,” Clarke responded with a shrug as she set her empty bowl on the end table.  
Lexa walked back into the frame and sat on the edge of the bed. “I hardly call getting dressed being busy,” she replied as she began to brush her hair. Pausing for a second, she glanced into the camera. “Hi,” she added.  
“Hi,” Clarke said as she felt her lips stretch into a wide smile. God, had it really only been twenty-four hours since she had seen that face? “How was your day?”  
“Kind of chaotic,” Lexa shrugged and went back to dragging the brush through her hair. “I would have much preferred a boring day.”  
“Not if you were the one living it,” Clarke countered, shaking her head in disagreement. “I just basically cleaned most of the day.”  
“Fun,” Lexa’s comment came out laced with sarcasm.  
“There was nothing to do,” Clarke told her as she settled back against the couch. “It would have made a perfect lazy day though – just lounging around in something comfy, binge watching television and eating a bunch of crap.”  
“So, why didn’t you just do that then?” Lexa questioned her curiously.  
“I thought about it,” Clarke nodded, “but then decided I’d wait for you to be here. Those kinds of days were always better with you.”  
Lexa stopped brushing her hair again and smiled at her. “I always loved those days.”  
“Me too,” Clarke admitted quietly. “I’ve missed them.”  
“We should have one then – if you’d like,” Lexa nodded at her. “Maybe next weekend?”  
“We have Anya’s next weekend,” Clarke pointed out and then eyed her curiously. “Wait, you are going, right? You never did respond to the announcement.”  
Lexa gave a slight shrug and then tossed her hairbrush aside, but she didn’t say anything.  
Clarke readjusted herself on the couch and stared at her. “What is it?”  
“I haven’t been back there yet,” Lexa responded after a moment. “It feels weird.”  
“Oh,” Clarke nodded. Yeah, that kind of made sense. “Well, think on it, I guess.”  
“You’re going though?” Lexa questioned her curiously.  
“Yeah, I mean, I said I was – because I thought that you were,” Clarke explained, feeling suddenly foolish. “I haven’t been to a weekend there since before you left, so…”  
“Really?” Lexa looked up suddenly, her eyes full of surprise.  
Clarke shook her head. “I couldn’t,” her voice came out small.  
Lexa stared at her for moment. “Okay,” she said with a slight nod. “If you’re going – then I’ll go.”  
“Yeah?” Clarke questioned as a light smile spread on her face.  
Lexa nodded her confirmation. “And then maybe we can have that lazy day the following weekend?” She offered.  
Clarke’s smile widened. “I’m in, if you are,” she told her happily.  
“Consider it set then,” Lexa smiled back at her. “You figure out what we’re watching and I’ll take care of the food.”

A knock at the door suddenly pulled Lexa’s attention. As Clarke watched her get up and go answer the door, she felt another yawn threatening to break from her lips. Quickly she sat up straighter and quick shake, because – nope. Not happening. Lexa returned a moment later and moved the phone to another location where she could continue to talk, but eat comfortably at the same time.

“What’s for dinner?” Clarke questioned curiously.  
“Just a salad,” Lexa replied as she began to unpackaged it. “What did you have?”  
“I had some cereal,” Clarke answered as she propped herself against the arm of the couch.  
Lexa paused and looked into the camera. “That’s not dinner, Clarke.”  
“Eh, it worked.” Clarke shrugged as she stifled another yawn.  
Lexa stared at her. “You look tired,” she told her after a moment.  
“I’m not,” Clarke denied it quickly and sat up again.  
“Bullshit,” Lexa grinned as she began to eat her salad. “You’re eyes are drooping.”  
“I can’t help it,” Clarke practically whined. “This has been the longest, most boring day ever.”  
Lexa shook her head, “You could always just, I don’t know – go to bed.”  
“No,” Clarke felt a slight pout form on her lips as she shook her head stubbornly. She had been waiting all day to talk to Lexa – no way was she going to bed now.  
“Why not?” Lexa questioned her. “You’re tired.”  
“Because,” Clarke answered quickly. "I want to talk to you."  
Lexa stopped eating and looked at the screen, her eyes almost looking apprehensive. “About what?”  
“Oh - nothing specific, really,” Clarke shrugged quickly as a light blush bloomed across her cheeks. “I don’t know. Anything is... I just…” she broke off and bit her tongue. Fuck. Now she even sounded ridiculous. “Never mind.”  
“You’re so stubborn,” Lexa said with a light grin as she soon her head. “I’ll tell you what – I’ll make a deal with you.”  
Clarke felt her brow furrow as she eyed her curiously. “What kind of deal?”  
“If you take your phone and go lay down in your bed,” Lexa explained, “I’ll keep talking to you, until you fall asleep.”  
Clarke stared at the screen, trying not to smile because – ugh. “And if I say no?” She questioned her.  
“I’ll just hang up,” Lexa stated matter-of-factly with a shrug.  
“Lexa,” Clarke’s eyes widened at her words. No! “You would not.”  
Lexa grinned and raised an eyebrow slightly. “Try me,” she challenged.  
Clarke felt her eyebrow raise as well. Hmm.

Fifteen minutes later, Clarke was snuggled in her bed, with her phone propped up on the nightstand and the sound of Lexa’s soothing voice carrying her off to the blissful place of sweet dreams. She could have chanced it – she could have, but after taking in the look in Lexa's eyes - no. After all, the last two years had actually taught her something very important – at least, where she and Lexa were concerned.

Never opt for nothing, when you can have something.


	52. Chapter 52

The week had gone by in a flash and before Lexa knew it, Friday night had arrived. Clarke had messaged her early in the evening to cancel their normal game night, due to an unexpected meeting, but told her that she would meet up with her at Anya’s sometime later. It was a little disappointing to say the least but, at the same time, she totally understood the way that those things happened. 

Lexa leaned back against her car and stared at Anya’s apartment building. She hadn’t been back there since she left for San Francisco and truth be told, she was kind of anxious about going back there now. It wasn’t anything against her sister – not at all. It was just, everything else. Her and Anya had shared that apartment for years and it held so many great memories, but if she was being honest with herself – being that she knew how little control she had, she was afraid of how her body would react going back there. Would it tingle with that feeling of sweet reminiscence or, would it rock her to her very core? It was strange and confusing and though she couldn’t really explain it – it was there nonetheless. Taking a deep breath Lexa leaned back further, stretching out her muscles as she twisted a small steel pin between her fingers.

“Hi,” Clarke’s raspy voice filled her ears as she suddenly appeared at her side.  
Lexa turned, a slight smile automatically forming on her face. “Hi,” she replied, ghosting a kiss on her cheek.  
“What are you doing out here?” Clarke questioned her.  
“Waiting,” Lexa responded simply.  
“For what?” Clarke leaned back against the car.  
Lexa swallowed hard. You? She shrugged and shook her head, feeling her pulse begin to pound lightly in her ears.  
Clarke eyed her curiously. “Are you nervous?”  
“I told you,” Lexa responded simply. “It feels weird.”  
“I get it. It feels weird for me too,” Clarke nodded. “I mean, hell – I haven’t been here since…” she broke off quickly and a deep blush immediately appeared on her cheeks.  
“Yeah,” Lexa chuckled lightly and shook her head. “I remember.”

A humorous silence fell between them, but it wasn’t at all awkward. Lexa flipped the pin in her fingers several times as she looked back at the building with narrowed eyes. She could do this. She wasn’t the only one that felt weird – Clarke was right there with her.

“Well, what do you think?” Clarke broke the silence. “Shall we?”  
“Uh huh,” Lexa muttered as she pushed up off of the car, but then froze when she felt Clarke’s fingers intertwine in her own. Three years ago, she wouldn't have thought anything of the it, but now... She glanced from their hands back up at Clarke.  
“Just relax,” Clarke told her softly as she rubbed her thumb against the back of her hand soothingly. “I’m right here with you.”  
Lexa swallowed hard and quite suddenly forgot every single word that she knew, all that she could do was nod.

Crossing the threshold in to the apartment Lexa felt her breath catch lightly in her chest as her eyes fell on the strangest sight. Though some things had changed over the last two years, there were so many things that still appeared the same. From the color or the rooms, to some of the furniture and majority of the art that adorned the walls. Lexa’s hand clenched automatically and realizing it, she went to let go, but Clarke simply increased her grip, as if trying to ground her – to center her and remind her that everything was okay. Lexa looked up, meeting her eye and after a moment, gave her a hand a reassuring squeeze and then nodded, before finally letting go. It was okay – she, was okay.

“Hey squirt,” Anya said as she approached them. “Been awhile – for both of you, really.”  
Clarke nodded quickly. “Yep.”  
“Not much had changed,” Lexa responded at her eyes moved around the room.  
“Why would it?” Anya shrugged as she held out two bottles to them.  
Lexa took her bottle and instantly tipped the vodka into her mouth, swallowing hard and relishing in the that burn it provided.  
“Well, I hope that you two are hungry,” Anya said as she pointed toward the kitchen.  
“Starving,” Clarke responded and then quickly downed her shot.  
Lexa smirked, watching her grimace at the burn.  
“Good,” Anya nodded at them. “Between me, Bell and Octavia – we have enough food to feed a small army.”  
“Excellent,” Clarke smiled before making her way off to the kitchen.  
“Holding up alright there?” Anya questioned her when Clarke was gone.  
Lexa grinned at her. She loved how her sister could do that – okay, in fairness, sometimes she hated it – but still. “It’s pretty weird,” she replied.  
“I have no doubt,” Anya nodded as they made their way further into the apartment. “It’s been long time.”  
“I was a little nervous about coming here,” Lexa admitted as she set her bag down.  
“I figured as much,” Anya shrugged simply. “But, you shouldn't be.”  
“No?” Lexa’s question came out with a slight chuckle.  
“Not at all,” Anya shook her head. “Just because you don’t live here anymore – doesn’t change the fact that this is still your home,” her tone was abnormally soft and tender.  
A warm smile pulled at Lexa’s lips. She really needed to make more time for the two of them to spend time together.  
“Now,” Anya’s tone shifted dramatically “You know that I converted your bedroom into a guest room, but you can…”  
“No,” Lexa cut her off quickly. “I’m not sleeping in there. Let Octavia and Lincoln have it.”  
“Are you sure?” Anya questioned her.  
“Of course,” Lexa nodded firmly. Absolutely. “They’re a couple and that bed is huge. Let them have it.”  
“Alright. Well, now that that’s settled – come on,” Anya tugged at the sleeve of her blazer. “I’m pretty sure that Raven plans on getting us all pretty well wasted tonight.”  
“Great,” Lexa groaned as she rolled her eyes toward the ceiling and followed her sister into the kitchen.

Anya was right. Apparently she and Clarke were the last two to arrive and now that they were there – and the entire group was finally together again, Raven was more than enthusiastic about them all tying one on. Anya also wasn’t kidding about the amount of food that had been prepared for the evening, as the entire table and half of the available counter space was completely covered with trays of food and anything else that anyone might feel like randomly snacking on. Lexa’s eyes fell on the makeshift bar that had been set atop the stove and without hesitation she stepped forward and prepared herself a drink. She was in for a night, she knew that and tomorrow, she would most definitely regret it, but in that moment – taking in the scene and the smiles on everyone’s faces, she was more than willing to pay that price.

The night moved on in full swing and honestly, for as nervous as Lexa had been about being there, she was actually having a really good time. A card table had been set up in the living room, where Clarke had planted herself and dominated for quite some time. While Anya had hung a dartboard at the end of the hallway and there seemed to be a constant game running there – only to be interrupted by someone’s need to get to the bathroom, Raven kept a continuous flow of music playing throughout the apartment – at just such a level that it wouldn't annoy the neighbors too much. Lexa couldn’t help but laugh and shake her head when she realized that Anya had the same multi room home audio system that she herself had also purchased. Yep – no denying that they were related. 

“I can’t believe how different she is,” Bellamy said as she dropped down into a chair next to her.  
“Who?” Lexa questioned him, feeling hazily confused.  
“Clarke,” Bellamy told her as she motioned to the other side of the room. “Octavia told me, but seeing it is just – wow.”  
Lexa turned her attention to the other side of the room where Clarke was laughing and carrying on with Octavia and Jasper.  
“That’s you,” Bellamy smiled at her.  
Lexa looked at him. “No,” she shook her head and blinked lazily. “I’m me – that’s Clarke.”  
“No,” Bellamy laughed lightly, also shaking his head. “I mean, you did that. You brought her back. She was gone for a long time – you both were.”  
Lexa only stared at him, her mind spacing out a bit. 

He was right. She had been gone – they, had been gone and it was for a very long time, but now somehow, it finally felt like they were really back. They were here and they were smiling and laughing and actually – happy again. How it all happened, was anyone’s guess, but God – was she grateful for it. 

“Will you come with me?” Clarke’s voice suddenly filled her ear.  
Lexa blinked and looked up, then nodded and got to her feet, following her to the other side of the room and abruptly stopping when her eyes fell on a chessboard that was sitting on the coffee table – her chessboard. “Where did you…?”  
“Anya,” Clarke answered with a tiny smile. “I asked her for it.”  
“But, why?” Lexa’s brow knitted up.  
“Well, technically, you do owe me a game tonight,” Clarke explained simply. “However, on top of that – being where we are, tradition basically demands that we play, don’t you think?”  
Lexa looked at her, feeling a warmth spread through her that was not at all from the alcohol.

It was true. Prior to all of their chaos, any time that there had been a weekend held there, she and Clarke had always made sure to at least play one game. 

“Questions?” Lexa inquired, because she had to know.  
“Not tonight,” Clarke shook her head and smiled warmly. “So?”  
“Well then,” Lexa grinned back at her. “Far be it from me to deny tradition.”

Within minutes of the game starting, several people had pulled up chairs or taken up residence on the floor to watch. While she and Clarke had been playing chess practically weekly for some time now – no one had been there to actually see it. Fifteen minutes in, and the entire group was gathered around eager to see the outcome.

“You two aren’t going to get all crazy on us now, are you?” Raven questioned as she watched intently from the arm of the couch.  
“Not tonight,” Clarke assured her as she moved one of her pieces.  
“Don’t listen to her,” Lexa shook her head, eyeing the board carefully. “She’ll most likely freak out when I beat her.”  
“Please,” Clarke laughed and picked up her drink. “You haven’t beat me since you’ve been back.”  
“Seriously?” Octavia asked from the other side of the coffee table – her voice showing obvious surprise.  
"For shame," Jasper joked as he nudged at her, earning his own in return.  
Lexa bit the inside of her cheek and made her move. Okay, so maybe that was true. However…  
"I just might have to disown you after hearing that, squirt." Anya sighed and shook her head.  
“You probably should. I’m pretty convinced that she left her game in San Francisco,” Clarke teased playfully as she made another move. “Or lost it all together.”  
“I can assure you – I haven’t.” Lexa retorted calmly as she moved her piece.  
“Oh really?” Clarke questioned skeptically, but still smiling at her. “With the number of your pieces that I’ve already collected, I'm thinking so.”  
“Mhm,” Lexa nodded simply. “You know, chess is a lot like life.”  
Clarke glanced down at the board for a moment. “I would agree with that,” she responded and took her turn.  
“It’s about making choices and sacrifices,” Lexa continued evenly. “About taking risks – not knowing, but hoping, that in the end it will all work out the way that you want it to,” she paused for a brief second, meeting Clarke's eyes. “The way that it should,” she added as she made her move, capturing a piece and holding it up. 

It was Clarke’s queen.

Clarke held her gaze with both narrowing and impressed eyes as she bit the inside of her cheek and grinned.  
“By the way,” Lexa smirked back at her and popped an eyebrow. “Checkmate.”


	53. Chapter 53

The room around her exploded in laughter and though her friends were saying things, Clarke couldn’t really make out any of it. No. Instead her eyes dropped down to the board, scanning it quickly. No way. Feeling her shoulders drop as a very prominent pout suddenly formed on her face, she got to her feet and stomped off toward the kitchen. Coming to a stop in front of the counter, she grabbed a cube of cheese and tossed it into her mouth. What the fuck? She wasn’t really mad – no, not really. It was just – It was… How the hell did that even happen? How did she lose? Moving over to the makeshift bar, she shook her head as she smirked and poured herself another drink. 

Lexa. That smooth little shit, she had been holding back on her. It was the only explanation for how seamlessly she had just won that game and now – ugh, she was never going to hear the fucking end of it from everyone else. 

“Are you alright?” Lexa’s voice filled her ears.  
She turned and looked at her. “You played me,” she stated firmly.  
“Yes,” Lexa admitted with a small nod, “and no.”  
“No?” Clarke felt her eyebrows raise. Really?  
Lexa stepped closer and leaned against the counter. “You’ve always known that I could play,” she said with a slight shrug.  
“So, you’ve just been intentionally sucking?” Clarke questioned her.   
“Hey,” Lexa put her hand up. “I wouldn’t say that I was sucking. I would say that – I wasn’t playing to the best of my abilities.”  
“Oh,” Clarke tried, but failed to hide her smile. “And you just happened to choose tonight to show off those abilities? You know that they’re all never going to let me hear the end of it.”  
“Well, in fairness, you were picking on me a lot,” Lexa shrugged with a grin. “I just figured it was time to bring you down a few pegs."  
“Ugh, I hate you,” Clarke chuckled and pushed her away, just as Monty came into the room, looking at his phone.

Raven: Okay. Can I just…holy fucking crap!  
Jasper: Did that really just happen?  
O: That was pretty fucking smooth.  
Bellamy: I have to agree.  
Anya: Are you really that surprised? It is Lexa, after all.  
Lincoln: Truth.  
Raven: Still – hot damn. Clarke was not kidding when she said that Lexa was just putting it out there.  
Octavia: Apparently not.  
Raven: Monty – are they still alive in there?  
Monty: Yep. They’re actually laughing.

Lexa laughed and shook her head. “Come on, you do not,” she said regaining her balance. “Monty, help me out? Tell her that I’m right.”  
“Right about what?” Monty questioned as he tucked his phone into his pocket and began to make himself a plate.   
“That her cockiness needed to be brought down a few pegs,” Lexa told him quickly.  
“Well,” Monty’s eyes bounced between the two of them. “You were talking a lot of shit, Clarke.”  
Clarke’s eyes went wide, but her smile went even wider. “I was not,” she defended herself. “Lexa’s been playing me – I totally thought that I was speaking the truth.”  
“Clarke, in fairness,” Anya said as she and Octavia entered the room. “You have been playing chess with Lexa since you two were kids – you definitely should have known something was up.”  
“That’s an excellent point,” Lexa grinned, nodding to her sister before something extremely cold slipped down her back, causing her to squeal and lurch forward.

Raven: What the hell was that???  
Lincoln: I don’t know. I can’t see anything from here.  
Jasper: Monty!  
Monty: Clarke dumped a cup of ice down the back of Lexa’s shirt.  
Bellamy: That sound came from Lexa??  
O: Funniest thing ever!  
O: Oh my god! I think I actually peed a little.  
Bellamy: Way too much information!  
Anya: I have to admit, watching Lexa bounce around the kitchen, trying to get her shirt untucked is pretty hilarious.  
Raven: Damn it, I missed it!  
Jasper: Anyone get it one video????  
Monty: No one saw it coming.

Clarke stood rooted on the spot, with the cup still firmly grasped in her hand, trying desperately not to let the satisfied smile on her face switch over into laughter as she watched Lexa wiggling the tails of her shirt, trying to get the last of the ice out. She hadn’t really thought about the fact that Lexa’s shirt was tucked in, or the fact that because of that, all of the ice would become stuck. She hadn’t, but damn, if it wasn’t hilarious. Glancing over, she saw Anya with her phone in her hand and – God, did she hope that she had gotten a picture of this, because it was just too good.

“I cannot believe that you did that to me,” Lexa frowned at her as the last ice cube dropped to the floor.  
“Serves you right,” Clarke replied as she popped her eyebrows and stuck her tongue out. Yep!  
“Wow,” Monty shook his head, trying not to smile. “That’s my cue,” he turned and left the room, passing Lincoln on the way.  
“Everything alright?” Lincoln asked as his eyes bounced around.  
“Perfect,” Clarke smiled, but didn’t take her eyes off of Lexa, because - crazy, not stupid.  
“You know that I’ll get you back for that,” Lexa pointed out quickly.   
“I know that you’ll try,” Clarke responded evenly as she set the glass back down.   
Lexa eyed her carefully and shook her head, clearly refusing to give in to the grin that was trying to spread on her face.   
Clarke just stared back at her, her smug smile still firmly planted on her face.

Neither moved, nor spoke. It was almost like a game of sorts – who would break first?

“Now, now children,” Anya cautioned them sarcastically as she set her phone on the counter and began to pick up the ice.  
Clarke blinked looking down at the ice that was covering the floor. Shit. Didn’t think about that either. “Sorry about the mess,” she told Anya as she bent down to help her clean it up. Suddenly her breath stolen as an icy sensation washed over her and a sound that she didn’t recognize escaped her lips.

Raven: Now what the hell happened?  
Bellamy: That one was definitely Clarke.  
Monty: I agree.  
O: Yep – I’m pretty sure that peed this time. Hahaha!  
Bellamy: Octavia! Really? Come on!  
Raven: ?????????  
Lincoln: Lexa dumped the entire ice bucket on top of Clarke.  
Jasper: No way! Ha!  
Jasper: Please, tell me someone got that one on video???  
O: Ice and water everywhere!  
Anya: I’m going to kill them.  
Raven: That’s it – I’m coming in there.

Lexa stood with her hands cupped behind her back and a very, very satisfied smirk playing on her face as she stared down at Clarke, who was still on her knees and soaked to the bone. Oh yeah, there would surely be hell to pay for this one, but oh man, was it so fucking worth it.

“Tsk, tsk,” Lexa clicked at her as she shook her head. “Never turn your back on a known enemy, Clarke.”  
“Fair enough,” Clarke voice came out rather shaky.  
“As mean as that was, Lexa” Octavia laughed as she leaned against the counter. “Damn, you are on fire tonight.”  
Lexa looked at her and grinned a little. Yeah, maybe she kind of was, and though she couldn’t really explain it, she also couldn’t help it. She actually felt playful tonight.   
“That, is a good point,” Clarke’s voice filled the room before she moved, way faster than anyone probably would have anticipated.

Lexa felt the contact at the back of her knees as they shot forward and she felt her body falling backwards. Before she could even get a handle on it, she found herself being pushed against the floor as Clarke quickly straddled her lap. For a second her breath caught because well, one – what the hell just happened? Two, the floor was cold and wet! And three – Clarke was straddling her lap! Just – fuck. 

Clarke stared down at her, grinning triumphantly and then she felt it…  
“No,” Lexa pleaded quickly as she tried to shift out from under her, but it was already too late.   
Clarke pulled at the waistline of her slacks and quickly dropped a handful of ice down them. “Maybe this, will cool you off,” she rasped at her.   
“Clarke – don’t!” Lexa shrieked as she quickly shuffled out from under her and jumped to her feet, shaking her legs out as fast as she could while Clarke, literally, rolled on the floor with laughter.

Raven: IMG_677  
Raven: Best thing ever!!!  
Jasper: Oh my…  
O: I can’t even…hahaha.  
Monty: Did she..?  
Raven: She did!  
O: Oh my g…definitely peed!   
Bellamy: I so need to leave this group.  
Anya: I've changed my mind – they get to live.  
Raven: Hahahaha.  
Anya: That was just too good.

Clarke sat up on her knees, gripping the knit in her side as she watched Lexa trying to shake the ice out of her pants. Okay yeah, so maybe, all things consider – it was a pretty crazy move, but Lexa totally deserved it and she did not regret it. Nope. Not even a little bit. 

“Alright, that’s it,” Anya said loudly as she stepped in between them. “Stop now, or I’ll separate you two for the rest of the weekend.”  
“But she just…” Lexa protested quickly.  
“No,” Anya shut her down instantly. “You two are killing my kitchen.  
Clarke looked around and couldn’t help but laugh. It was true. “Yeah, we kind of did,” she acknowledged.  
“You started it,” Lexa glared at her, though there was still a lingering playfulness showing in her eyes.  
“Did not,” Clarke sassed her back.  
“Enough,” Anya boomed, her voice echoing throughout the apartment. 

A little while later, Clarke was standing in the bathroom, having been banished there by Anya, to get changed out of her dripping clothes. She wasn’t alone in her banishment though – she knew that Lexa had been banished as well, in fact, she was just two doors down in Anya’s bedroom, also changing into a dry pair of clothes. As she pulled on a dry t-shirt, she couldn’t help but grin and shake her head. She had no idea absolutely how things had gotten so out of hand in the kitchen, but fuck – was it fun. It was probably the most fun that she had had in – ugh, like forever! She could tell by Lexa’s face that she wasn’t actually angry about any of it, but also, that it wasn’t over either. No - definitely not. It was just going to be put on hold for another time – the only downside to that though, was that the ball was technically in Lexa’s court. 

Once she was finished changing, Clarke scooped up her bag and exited the bathroom, coming to an abrupt stop when she came face to face with Lexa.

“You know that this isn’t over,” Lexa told her firmly.  
“Not by a long shot,” Clarke smiled and nodded matter-of-factly. “Especially considering you still need to explain why you haven’t been bringing your best game to the table.”  
“Fair enough,” Lexa nodded as a tiny grin pulled at her lips.  
“You’re such a jerk,” Clarke sighed as she smiled and gave her a slight nudge.  
“So are you,” Lexa grinned lightly and shook her head.

A stillness suddenly fell between them then and they just stood there, staring for a moment – captured in the silence and lost in each other’s gaze. It only lasted a moment, but a moment was all that it took. 

As they made their way back down the hallway to their friends, Clarke found herself tingling with an all too familiar sensation and it was - everywhere. It felt tranquil and warm – it felt nice and just, right. She smiled to herself. This was the way that it supposed to feel between them, the way that it had always felt between them and hopefully, the way that it would continue to feel.


	54. Chapter 54

Lexa sat in her car, tapping a small silver pin against the steering wheel and twirling it between her fingers as she glanced at the building across the street.

She hadn’t seen Clarke in several days and though they had been texting, she really just wanted to see her. No. It was actually more than that – more than a want, it was a need. A need that, in weeks past, she had been able to mostly ignore. Not now though. Now that she knew that she could simply stop by whenever she wanted to see her, that seemed to be all that she really wanted to do. Just stop in and talk to her – to just be around her, even if it was only for a little while. In all honesty, it was a little ridiculous, because really – the truth was, she just wanted to be around her all of the time and that, to an extent, was a becoming a problem, because although she was determined not to cross the line with Clarke – the more that she was around her, the more she could feel that resolve cracking. 

Granted, Clarke knew what she wanted, hell – everyone knew what she wanted, but at the same time, it wasn’t her call and she had to be careful. She didn't want to make any mistakes. She couldn’t fuck this up. Not this time. She knew that she had been walking a fine line with her flirting, but she wasn’t going to be the one to cross it. She couldn’t. No. That ball, was most definitely not in her court– that had to be Clarke’s decision. It had to be, but sometimes, the urge to just pull her close and…

Lexa shook her head and got out of her car. It wasn’t about sex – that wasn’t it. No. It was about way more than just sex. What she wanted with Clarke, was way more than just sex - it was everything. She wanted everything! 

Crossing the street quickly, she paused to take a deep breath and then pushed her way through the doors and into the gallery where her eyes were met by a sight as strange as the one that met her when she had entered Anya’s apartment the previous weekend – different, but familiar at the same time. Glancing around though, she didn’t see Clarke or anyone else for that matter. She knew that she was there – she had to be, her car was outside and the door was unlocked, but where? Moving further into the gallery, Lexa stopped as her eyes fell on a rather large painting that reminded her of the mural in the lobby of her building, making her wonder for a moment if they had been painted by the same artist. She got lost in it for a moment.

“Lexa?” Clarke’s voice suddenly filled her ears.  
A smile stretched across Lexa’s face as she turned. “Hi,” she said and was all that she could manage as her eyes fell on Clarke. She was dressed somewhat down today, in a tight pair of dark blue jean and low cut, formfitting top that left little to the imagination. Fuck.  
“What are you doing here?” Clarke questioned her curiously as she leaned against the doorframe.  
“Well,” Lexa cleared her throat and took a step forward. “You did say that I could stop by if I wanted to see you,” she responded as she dropped a light kiss on her cheek, lingering for perhaps a half second too long because – damn it.   
Clarke smiled at her, raising an eyebrow slightly. “I did,” she acknowledged with a nod. “However, I do believe food was a part of that agreement.”  
Lexa grinned and held up the small bag she was carrying. “Indeed, it was.”  
“You actually brought me lunch?” Clarke eyebrows went up as she accepted to small bag and peaked inside.  
“Rules are rules.” Lexa shrugged simply. “I wanted to see you, so I picked you up a wrap and drove over.”  
Clarke looked up at her. “And why did you want to see me?” She inquired, her blue eyes sparkling and playful.  
“Well,” Lexa redirected her glace, feeling the hairs on the back of her neck stand up. Shit. “You’re just way easier on the eyes than my computer screen.”  
“Cute,” Clarke gave an amused chuckle and stared at her for a second.   
Lexa felt her chest flood with warmth as she stared back at her, getting lost in her currently unreadable eyes.  
“Come on, I’ll share it with you,” Clarke finally told her has she tugged on her sleeve.

As they sat down at Clarke’s desk, Clarke removed the contents from the bag, splitting it evenly and giving half to her. She hadn’t planned on eating, in fact, she wasn’t even really that hungry, but she accepted it all the same.

“You know,” Clarke started as she picked up her half of the wrap. “You still owe me an explanation.”  
“For what?” Lexa questioned her, feeling slightly confused.  
“Why you weren’t bringing your best game to the table,” Clarke answered before taking a bite.   
“Oh,” Lexa nodded and shifted in her seat, crossing her legs. “Well, that’s an easy one. You were the one with the questions.”  
“You didn’t have any questions?” Clarke asked her quickly.  
“Some,” Lexa admitted with a nod. “Others I just picked up along the way, but,” she paused and took a deep breath, “it wasn’t about me, Clarke or what I wanted to know. It was about you and the things that you needed to know. Though honestly, at that point, I was just glad that you were willing to try and listen to me.”  
“Believe me, it was not easy,” Clarke scoffed lightly and shook her head. “My first instinct was to slam the door in your face.”  
“I can understand that,” Lexa nodded. It was true. “I’m glad that you didn’t though.”  
“Me too,” Clarke responded with a small smile. “After all, now I’m getting free food,” she added jokingly and took another bite.  
“And the world is perfect again.” Lexa laughed and shook her head.  
“Not quite perfect yet,” Clarke eyed her and bit her lip, “but, I think that we’re getting closer.”  
The warmth in Lexa’s chest increased significantly at the statement and silently hoped that it meant they were getting closer to having a chance at being together, because – God, did she want that chance.

Their situation was complicated, there was no denying that, but they were working on it and day by day, things were changing - they were getting better. Hell, the time that they had recently spent together at Anya's was more than proof of that. Though there was still a looming fear and all that Lexa could do was hope that all of the damage that had been done over the last couple of years was not so great that they couldn’t come back from it and have a real shot. They deserved that much, didn't they?

Lexa pulled the pin out of her pocket and began to fiddle with it. “So, are you looking forward to our lazy day?” She changed the subject.  
“After the last couple of days,” Clarke sighed and rolled her eyes. “I really need it, so – yes.”  
“Still pretty busy, huh?” Lexa said as she rolled the pin between her fingers.  
“Yeah, that upcoming showcase,” Clarke nodded in confirmation as she leaned back in her chair. “You should come and check it out,” she added.  
“Yeah?” Lexa couldn’t help the small smile that pulled at her lips.  
“Yeah,” Clarke smiled back at her. “I mean, none of it’s my work or anything, but still, you might enjoy it – you do like art.”  
“That’s true,” Lexa nodded, still twirling the pin in her fingers.  
“And afterward, a bunch of us are going to go over to Polis for a few drinks,” Clarke told her. “You could join us, if you wanted.”  
“Like an after party or something?” Lexa questioned curiously.  
“Eh, sort of,” Clarke responded and tilted her head a little. “What’s with the pin, anyway?”  
“I quit smoking,” Lexa answered plainly.  
“Yeah,” Clarke gave her a confused look. “And?”  
“It just keeps my hands busy,” Lexa shrugged a little, continuing to twist the pin around.  
“Interesting,” Clarke said as she popped the last piece of her wrap into her mouth. “So, what do you think? Will you come?”  
Lexa looked at her. Uh – yeah. “Sure,” she answered with a nod. “I’d love to.”  
A wide smile spread across Clarke’s face, again filling Lexa’s chest with that warm tingling feeling. Ugh - weaker by the day.

They continued to chat, but only for a little while longer before Lexa unfortunately had to return to work, as she went to make her way toward the door though, Clarke caught her by the wrist and pulled her into a hug. “Thank you for lunch,” she said quietly into her neck.  
“No problem,” Lexa responded automatically, as her brain seemed to short-circuit the moment that she felt Clarke’s body pressed up against her own.  
Clarke inhaled deeply, almost as if she were breathing her in and then after one more squeeze, stepped way. “I’ll see you Saturday,” she told her.  
Lexa blinked and looked at her. Wait, Saturday? Oh, right – they'd agreed, lazy day instead of a game night. “Yep,” she nodded. “I’ll be there. Eleven o’clock, right?”  
“Right,” Clarke replied as she leaned back against her desk.   
Lexa swallowed hard at the sight, because - damn. “I’ll see you then,” she smiled and let herself out.

A few minutes later, as Lexa was on her way back to her office, there was only one thought that kept going through her mind. In two days’ time, she would be spending practically the entire day, just lounging around on the couch with Clarke. 

An entire day.   
Alone.   
With Clarke.

Well, shit. What was that about resolve?


	55. Chapter 55

Clarke walked into the living room and dropped a mountain of pillows and blankets onto the couch. She was dressed in her most worn, but also most comfortable pair of sweats and an old, beaten oversized t-shirt with her hair pulled up haphazardly into a bun. She sighed happily as she made her way into the kitchen and poured a cup of coffee. Her lazy day with Lexa was finally here and that fact was one that had her buzzing with a giddy feeling in the pit of her stomach. To say that she had been looking forward to it would be an understatement. While lazy days, in general, were great and she had mostly enjoyed the ones that she had had with Raven or Octavia over the last couple of years – none of them could compete to a lazy day with Lexa. No. Those were, without a doubt, her absolute favorite type of lazy day.

Clarke leaned back against the counter and blew on her coffee lightly as her thoughts went to Lexa and a tiny smile pulled at her lips. Lexa was struggling, that much was obvious and she would have been lying if she had said that she hadn’t noticed the way that Lexa looked at her at the gallery the other day. Try as she did, to be respectful, her eyes did linger a bit longer than usual and it was hard to miss the way that her body reacted when she had pulled her into a hug to thank her for lunch. Not that that moment hadn’t sparked something in Clarke as well, because, damn it if that woman didn’t smell fucking amazing. 

Lexa: Did you eat breakfast?  
Clarke: I’m having coffee.  
Lexa: That’s not breakfast.  
Clarke: Maybe not for you.  
Lexa: I’m craving breakfast.  
Clarke: So, eat breakfast.  
Lexa: Well, I was thinking that if you hadn’t eaten, I could pick up breakfast and we could have it together.

Clarke smiled down at the message. Granted, it was a little earlier than they had planned, but…

Clarke: Sounds good to me.  
Lexa: I’ll see you in a little while.

Clarke set her phone on the counter and sighed. Okay, so maybe Lexa wasn’t the only one that was struggling. Between the flirty text messages and comments, the time that they been spending together and God, the way that Lexa looked at her sometimes – yes, it was safe to say that she was struggling too. She knew what she wanted, she did – however that didn't seem to change the twinge of apprehension that still lingered deep in her bones. While it was true, things between her and Lexa had gotten significantly better and they were communicating way more than they had been, there were still things that were left unknown, mostly because – it seemed that neither of them didn’t dared to bring them up.

Sooner than Clarke had anticipated, a light knocking filled the room and pulling the door open, her eyes, of course, met Lexa’s and she couldn’t help but smile and step aside. Lexa crossed the threshold and ghosted a kiss onto her cheek. It was rather stiff compared to the others, but still nice nonetheless. Clarke closed the door and turned to see Lexa walking toward the table. As per usual, she was dressed in a tailored pair of dark slacks and a button down with the sleeves rolled up.

“Lexa,” Clarke practically whined. “We’re supposed to be having a lazy day.”  
Lexa turned and looked at her with a slightly confused expression. “I know that,” she responded.  
“Well, you can’t very well relax when you’re dressed like you're going to work.” Clarke told her as she crossed her arms. “You should be wearing something comfy.”  
“This is comfortable,” Lexa insisted with a shrug. “Besides, I wasn’t going to come over here in my pajamas.”  
“You could have at least worn jeans or something,” Clarke sighed as she rolled her eyes lightly. Like, really?  
“I don’t own any,” Lexa shook her head.

Seriously?

Clarke stared at her for a second, before shaking her head and walking off toward her bedroom. Once inside, she knelt down in front of her dresser and opened the bottom drawer, carefully pulling out a fair sized compression bag and breaking the seal. After flipping through the contents for a moment, she selected a black pair of athletic pants and paired them with a black t-shirt, before returning the bag to the drawer and leaving the room.

“Here,” Clarke said as she reentered the living room and held the items out to Lexa.  
Lexa took them and eyed them for a moment before bringing her gaze back up. “These were mine,” she said in amazement and she held up the clothes.  
“Technically, they still are,” Clarke replied simply.  
“You,” Lexa’s brow furrowed as she stared at her. “You kept my clothes?”  
Clarke stared back at her, only feeling mildly embarrassed, because yes, obviously, she had kept them. She gave her a short nod. “Now go get changed," she said, feeling the weight of Lexa's gaze. "I’ll make us some coffee and then we can eat when you're ready.”  
Lexa just blinked and stood there for a moment, before turning on her heel and walking down the hallway.

Okay, so maybe it did seem a little weird. She had meant to throw them away – really she had, but then, she just couldn’t. Moving into the kitchen, Clarke retrieved another mug from the cabinet and made each of them a cup of coffee. After grabbing a few more essentials, she made her way back out the table, where Lexa had pretty much finished unpacking the food that she had brought for them and man, was there a lot of it. Like, really – who was she planning of feeding? Hearing Lexa coming down the hallway, Clarke turned and froze at the sight, because this time, it was her who was looking at a ghost. 

“What?” Lexa questioned giving her a curious look. “Is it that bad?”  
Clarke swallowed hard. Bad? Hell no – not at all. “You just,” she shook her head lightly. Wow. “You look familiar.”  
A smile formed on Lexa’s face as she walked forward, but she didn’t respond.  
Clarke blinked, clearing her throat and shaking her head. “Anyway,” she said, needing to change the subject. “How many people are you planning on feeding?”  
“Please,” Lexa scoffed playfully as she motioned to the food. “As if we’re not going to destroy this.”  
Clarke grinned. Okay, maybe she had a point.  
“Not to mention the serious amount of snacks that I brought,” Lexa continued, pointing to a bag that she had set off to the side. “And, I figure if we’re actually hungry at dinner time – we’ll cap it off with some pizza,” she grinned a little, “and Chinese.”  
“A women after my own heart,” Clarke laughed and then froze, feeling an intense burn in her cheeks because – fuck, she had not meant to say that. She chanced a glance at Lexa.  
“Truer words, never spoken,” Lexa responded evenly as she grinned at her. “Now, let’s eat.”  
Clarke felt her blush deepen as her heart rate increased because fuck – just fuck. What did..? Did that mean…? 

After the two of them were quite literally stuffed with their breakfast, they made their way into the living room and each dropped down on to opposite ends of the sofa, curling up with the mass of blankets and pillows that had been left there. It was time to pick a movie. They had a variety of genres to choose from as Clarke had put together quite the selection. 

Movie one, went by rather quickly, but also quietly. It was just a cute little family movie, something light and fluffy that the two of them could relax with while they sank comfortably into the cushions and let their overstuffed stomachs settle. 

Movie two, was a fantasy film, and one that had them both stretching out and grinning lazily at the screen as they followed a tale of two young children who had quite accidently, stumbled into a far off mystical world. About halfway through this one, Clarke got to her feet and retrieved the bag of snacks from the place where Lexa had left it. As she dropped back down on to the couch though, she found herself in a much closer proximity to Lexa than she had been. While it hadn’t been necessarily intentional, it was actually quite comfortable and glancing over, Clarke noted that Lexa didn’t seem to mind it much, so she decided to stay there.

Movie three, a bit of a psychological thriller. This one had them both sitting up straighter, scratching their heads and trying to figure out what the hell was going on. Their new positions on the sofa, paired with their curiosity over the movie, also brought along random verbal and physical interactions that although innocent, still made Clarke’s skin burn. About three quarters of the way though this one, Lexa took out her phone and called in their dinner order. If they had planned it right, it would get there just as they were getting ready to start their fourth movie.

Movie four, horror. Lexa pouted fabulously as she read the description and although Clarke was equally nervous about it, she had heard that it was really good and it had actually piqued her interest, so she was willing to risk it, though not without secretly hoping that it didn’t turn out to be another bad decision on her part.

It did.

The movie was awful – absolutely awful. Awful to the point that they couldn’t even eat while they watched it and though they were trying to brave it – really, they were, silently they both knew that they were fighting a losing battle. 

“Okay, that’s it.’ Lexa said as she clicked the button on the remote. “I cave.”  
Clarke looked up from where her face had been buried behind Lexa’s shoulder and released the vice-like grip that she had on her arm. “Thank God!” She exclaimed, though she made no move to put any distance between them.  
“You, picked that,” Lexa pointed out quickly as she frowned at her.  
“I didn’t think it was going to be that bad,” Clarke insisted rather dramatically.  
“Were you not sitting right here when I read the description?” Lexa scoffed, but there was a lightness in her tone.  
“Uh, yeah – I was ignoring you,” Clarke teased her playfully.  
“Ass,” Lexa rolled her eyes and get her a not so light nudge, sending her sideways on the couch.  
“Lexa,” Clarke’s eyes widened as she nudged her back.

The two quickly found themselves in a bit of and actual nudging match, but then the nudges turned more into pushes and before either of them knew it, they were tangled in the mass of blankets and tumbling off of the couch. As they hit the floor, Clarke could help but gasp as she felt the pressure of Lexa’s thigh, which had found itself firmly planted between hers and suddenly, everything stopped. The two just stared at each other, both caught, seemingly frozen in time and neither daring to move. Clarke’s mind drifted. It would be easy – so easy. All that she had to do, was inch up. Their eyes met for a few seconds and Clarke watched as Lexa’s eyes filled with something that she didn’t recognize before she swallowed hard and retreated carefully. 

“I’m sorry,” Lexa said as she got to her feet. “Are you alright? Did I hurt you?” She asked as she held out her hand.  
Clarke blinked, trying to get her mind to catch up and accepted Lexa’s help getting to her feet. “No, you didn’t hurt me,” she told her quickly. “I’m fine.”  
“Okay, good. That’s good.” Lexa nodded and shifted on her feet. “I should probably get this food put away,” she started picking up the containers. “Maybe if you get your appetite back, you can finish it off later,” she joked weakly before carrying it all off into the kitchen.

Clarke stood, rooted on the spot with her mind reeling. That had been close – so fucking close and God, had it been so tempting. She almost gave in – almost, but then that look. This was another thing about Lexa that she had noticed lately too. As cool and calm as Lexa could come across, that smoothness seemed to shift so easily sometimes and what it shifted into was something that Clarke just couldn’t read. What the hell was it? Fear? Sadness? Shame? 

Okay, they should talk. They should. They couldn’t ignore this. Well, they could - they so could, but honestly, Clarke didn’t really want to – not anymore. Taking a deep breath, she squared her shoulders and made her way into the kitchen where she found Lexa standing at the counter, packaging up the leftovers and looking rather rigid.

“Are you alright?” Clarke questioned as she leaned against the counter, leaving a respectable amount of space between them.  
“I’m fine,” Lexa replied flatly without looking up from what she was doing.

Yep, cause that wasn’t obvious bullshit.

“You’re not,” Clarke shook her head. “Look, we were just horsing around. I didn’t mean for it make you uncomfortable.”  
“It didn’t,” Lexa told her quickly as she snapped the container lid closed. “I’m not uncomfortable - really.”  
“You seem it,” Clarke told her pointedly. “Like, will you even look at me?”  
Lexa stopped what she was doing and turned slightly. “Of course,” she told her, meeting her eye. 

There it was again though – that look. What was it? 

“What is it?” Clarke questioned her cautiously, feeling a bit of fear stirring in her stomach. Shit. She should have just stayed on her own side of the fucking couch. Stupid.  
“Listen, I’m just trying to be really careful, okay?” Lexa finally responded. “I don’t want to cross any lines here.”  
Clarke felt her eyebrows knit up slightly. Cross any lines? Was that what this was all about?  
“You know how I feel, Clarke,” Lexa continued with a slight sigh when she didn’t respond. “I just…”  
“Actually, I don’t,” Clarke found herself interrupting as she stepped closer. “I know that you keep saying that you know what you want, but what exactly is that, Lexa? What do you want from me? Or, with me?”  
Lexa stared at her, with a look that said that the answer should be completely obvious. “Everything,” her voice came out gentle, but firm. “I want everything.”  
Clarke felt her heart begin to pound in her chest. Everything? She wanted everything – as in…  
“I want you to be mine, Clarke,” Lexa spoke again, still not breaking her gaze. “The same way that I’m already yours.”

And that, was all that it took…

Clarke stepped forward, her brow knitting slightly as her hand went to the back of Lexa’s head and finally, their lips met. It wasn’t harsh or deep, but rather soft and tentative. An array of sensations rapidly began popping off throughout Clarke’s body when she felt Lexa’s hand rise to her hair as she pushed into the kiss, her body tensing up in obvious surprise before they broke apart. Clarke stared, feeling her heart shudder at the sight of a tear slipping down Lexa’s cheek as she looked at her with questioning eyes. 

It was just too much – all too much. 

Clarke’s body shivered with a sudden surge of emotion as she pushed forward again, bringing their lips back together. Her hands found Lexa’s waist and she pulled her forward – needing to feel her closer. Lexa’s hands found her hair once more and she tilted her head slightly, deepening the kiss before rolling her body into the embrace, clearly needing to feel that closeness just as badly. It was all so much and still not enough all at the same time. The temperature in the room quickly began to rise, filling with the feverish sounds of their lips crashing together and a breathing that they could no longer control as both of their bodies began to tremble. 

There was no more thinking about it or being afraid – no more worrying about the past or questioning what might possibly go wrong. No. It was time to just stop fighting it and honestly embrace it. They were there and they were ready and this kiss, was saying everything that they had been unable to express for so very long and showing, just how desperately they had both been longing for one another. 

They separated again, with green finding blue and finally – they knew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully this will be a cause for celebration. If not, feel free to yell at me.  
> It's probably safe to say that I've earned it.


	56. Chapter 56

There wasn’t an inch of Lexa’s body that wasn’t pulsing – not an inch of her body, not an inch of her soul. Everything just hummed, tingled and surged. Clarke was kissing her and it wasn’t a dream. It was real - they were real and they were here and this was happening. It felt different, but familiar all at the same time. It was powerful, passionate - insanely overwhelming and it was quickly pushing her passed a point of no return. Sighing and tilting her head as Clarke’s lips brushed against her pulse point, her body seemed to beg for her to just get lost in it, but her mind suddenly battled for dominance causing her breath to catch in her chest.

“Wait,” Lexa breathed as she pulled back, her eyes finding Clarke’s.  
“What is it?” Clarke asked with her brow slightly knitted and her cheeks fully flushed.  
“I can’t,” Lexa answered softly as she shook her head, still trying to catch her breath.  
“Can’t?” Clarke’s eyebrows raised as a curious and almost amused look filled her eyes.  
“I mean,” Lexa gasped, still feeling slightly overwhelmed by the feeling of Clarke’s body pressed against her own. “I mean – I could, God, I could, but I don’t want to.”  
Clarke promptly pulled back a little, her brow furrowing quickly.  
“No, wait,” Lexa increased her grip, pulling her back in. Fuck – she was screwing this up already. “I don’t mean that I don’t want to – because I do want to, I really want to,” she closed her eyes and took a deep breath, Fuck – focus! "Just – not like this.”  
Clarke brow relaxed as a curious but almost – appreciative smile pulled at her lips and she settled back into the embrace, seemingly waiting for her to continue.  
Lexa took a deep breath. Okay. “Look, it’s no secret that we’ve always been able to easily fall into bed with one another,” she attempted to explain, “and I’m not faulting a single time that we have – I never would, but I don’t want this to be like that. I want to do this right – even though I’m not really sure how that is, but I…I just…” she broke off and shook her head, feeling her heart rate pick up.

The right words had to be there – they had to be and she needed to find them. A fear began to creep into her stomach, suddenly paralyzing her. She didn’t want to say the wrong thing or give Clarke the wrong impression – she wanted her to understand, to know, but at the moment, her mind just wasn’t working properly. She just couldn’t think. It was as though the electricity that surged from their kiss had, quite literally, fried her poor brain.

“Take a breath,” Clarke said soothingly as she brought her hand up, rubbing lightly at her jaw.  
Lexa took another deep breath and let herself get lost in the calming feeling of Clarke’s fingers on her skin. “I meant it when I said that I don’t want to make any mistakes,” she said after a moment, “and I can’t say that rushing into having sex, wouldn’t be a mistake.”  
Clarke’s eyes seemed to fill with adoration as she smiled warmly at her. “I understand,” she said softly, giving her a slightly squeeze and breathing her in.  
“You do?” Lexa tilted her head to look at her properly.  
“Listen, I won’t lie,” Clarke smirked a little and shook her head slowly. “I would love nothing more than to take you to my bedroom and keep you there for,” she drew in a sharp breath, “fuck, keep you there for days. However, like you, I can’t say that it wouldn’t be a mistake.”   
Lexa’s entire body throbbed at her words and she battled to withhold the whine that tried to free itself from her throat.  
“So,” Clarke continued, grinning with clear satisfaction at the reaction that her words had caused. “I have an idea.”  
Lexa swallowed hard. An idea? “I’m listening,” she said, keeping her voice a steady as possible.  
Clarke ran her fingers across her collarbones. “How about you and I go back out into the living room, curl up under the blankets – together and watch another movie,” she suggested. “No sex, but…” she paused bit her lip.  
Lexa felt her eyes narrow in sheer curiosity. “But?” What was she up to?  
“I get to kiss you as much as I want,” Clarke smiled at her again.  
Lexa couldn’t even contain the smile that spread on her face. “Uh – yes,’ she responded immediately. “Absolutely, yes.”  
Clarke leaned forward, gently bringing their lips together again.   
Lexa’s lips tingled as she reciprocated and then smiled again when they separated.   
“God,” Clarke sighed, pressing their foreheads together and closing her eyes. “You have no idea how much I have missed that.”  
Lexa inhaled deeply, trying to ground herself. “Actually, I do,” she assured her quickly. “I really do.”

Twenty minutes later, they were settled back on the sofa, curled into the blanket and cuddled together. Clarke had snuggled into her side, with her legs draped across her lap as she played with their intertwined fingers and Lexa’s mind was just – gone. It should have felt weird. It should have. Shouldn’t it? But it didn’t. It didn’t at all. No. In fact, it felt completely natural and aside from the random kisses that seemed to keep happening, it was almost as if the last two year never even happened. How was that even possible?

As the movie continued, Lexa found her mind somewhat distracted. She wasn’t sure how to do this or even what this actually was. Granted, it wasn’t like she and Clarke had never been intimate before, but this was different. It was – it was more than it had been before and that fact was leaving her with a slight unease in the pit of her stomach and she found herself almost wishing that she could read Clarke’s mind so that she knew exactly what the proper way to move forward with this – whatever it was. Lexa glanced down to where Clarke was laying with her head against her chest and smiled lightly. She wanted to do this right – but what was the right way to do something right?

“I can hear you thinking,” Clarke said lazily as the credits began to roll.  
“You cannot,” Lexa replied with a slight grin.  
“Well, no,” Clarke conceded, shifting slightly, “but I did hear your heart rate increase.”  
“No fair,” Lexa chuckled with a small smile.  
Clarke looked up at her and touched her face, “What are you thinking about?”  
Lexa bit down on the inside of her lip and took a deep breath. “You,” she answered after a pause.  
“What about me?” Clarke smiled at her.  
Lexa thought for another moment. Brave or stupid? Ugh. “What is this, Clarke?”   
Clarke’s eyebrow popped slightly. “Not wasting any time, I see,” she teased playfully.  
“I’ve wasted enough time,” Lexa replied earnestly. It was true, at least, that was how she felt and she didn’t want to waste anymore.  
Clarke’s smile widened. “Me too,” she whispered and dropped a light kiss on her lips. “Lexa, I….hm,” she paused as her brow furrowed.  
“What?” Lexa questioned her curiously, as she tried to contain the nervous feeling in her belly.  
“What did you mean when you said that you wanted me to be yours – the same way that you’re already mine?” Clarke asked quietly.  
Lexa shifted slightly and looked at her. “Exactly that,” she answered simply. “I’m already yours, Clarke. You have me – whether you want me or you not," she paused for a second. "You already have my heart.”  
Clarke’s eyes moistened slightly as she released a shaky breath. “I don’t know the right way to do this,” she said without looking at her.  
“Me neither,” Lexa admitted as shook her head, but felt a bit of relief wash over her because – at least she wasn’t alone in that feeling.  
Clarke chuckled, also shaking her head lightly. “I almost wonder, like – if we should go through the normal stages,” she explained as she fiddled with the hem of her t-shirt, “but then I wonder, if we even have to.”  
“Normal stages?” Lexa questioned her, feeling slightly confused. Okay – maybe more than slightly because, not-for-nothing, she wasn’t exactly a dating expert.  
“Yeah,” Clarke shrugged slightly as a light blush bloomed on her cheeks. “Like, courting, or – whatever.”   
“Do you want me to court you?” Lexa couldn’t help but grin. So fricken cute.  
“Honestly,” Clarke smiled a little and looked over at her. “I know that when relationships start, they all have like, these stages and for us, other than the obvious chaos, I just feel like we’ve already been doing that forever.”  
“So, you’re saying?” Lexa questioned with her brow completely knitted up. What was she getting?  
Clarke took deep breath. “I’m saying that, I just want to be with you,” she shrugged almost timidly as she fidgeted with her fingers, “but at the same time, with everything that’s happened, I don’t want to rush in and ruin it.”  
Lexa stared at her. It made complete sense and she felt the exact same way. “So again,” she nodded knowingly. “What’s the right way?”  
“Exactly,” Clarke nodded back at her. “I know that I don’t want to be with anyone else, and I don’t want you to either, but I just feel like…” she stopped and let out a frustrated sigh.  
Lexa’s heart gave a skip as she took in Clarke’s words. “I understand - really, I do,” she told her as she rubbed her knuckles across her cheek. “So, maybe we don’t define it just yet. Maybe, for now, we just take each day as it comes. Kind of - ease into it?”

It made sense, well - kind of. Between the way that they were both obviously feeling and the fears that they both clearly had, this honestly, seemed like maybe the smartest way to go about it. After all, they both seemed to know what they wanted - why rush to define what they were to one another? Lexa knew that she didn't want to be with anyone else, and Clarke had claimed the same, so perhaps just easing into the whole thing was the best way. 

Clarke chewed on her lip for a moment, apparently considering it before looking up at her with searching eyes. “Would I still be able to kiss you as much as I want?”  
“As much as you want,” Lexa responded absolutely and laughed as she leaned forward. “As often as you want,” she whispered before pressing their lips together lightly.  
Clarke hummed and smiled into the kiss. “Would you stay the night?" She asked as they separated.  
Lexa blinked and looked at her curiously.   
“No sex,” Clarke insisted quickly, clearly catching what might have been implied. “That’s not why. It’s just that – I just…I want you close to me.”  
Lexa felt a strong warmth spread through her chest as another smile pulled at her lips. “Yes,” she nodded slowly, bringing their hands together again. “I’ll stay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now, I know that some of you were hoping for sin, but...  
> Feel free to yell at me.


	57. Chapter 57

Clarke rolled over and stretched her hand across the bed, frowning slightly when she only found cold, empty sheets. Opening her eyes slowly, she couldn’t help but wonder if she had actually just dreamt the whole thing – after all, it wouldn’t have been the first time. Grabbing the pillow in front of her and smashing it against her face, she inhaled deeply and instantly smiled as her nose filled with the familiar scent that was absolutely all Lexa. Nope. Definitely not a dream. Pushing up against the headboard, Clarke couldn’t help the smile that was still plastered firmly on her face. 

Okay, so – damn. Of all of the things that she might have expected to transpire during their lazy day – what actually ended up happening was something that she had in no way been prepared for, but after it started she just made an instant decision to run with it. She would have never thought that when she walked into the kitchen to talk to Lexa that she would end up spending the night curled up in her arms, but damn it – if that hadn’t been the best night’s sleep that she had gotten in years.

Everything. Lexa wanted everything. She wanted her – really wanted her. Clarke shivered as a steady buzz hummed through her bones while a giddy feeling bubbled in her belly and releasing a slight giggle, she toppled over in her bed, again breathing in the scent of Lexa. That was what had done it – hearing those words had totally tipped the world or rather – in a way, tipped it back to the way that it had been – the way that it was supposed to be and fuck, if she just didn’t feel over the moon about it. Lexa wanted her. She didn’t just want to be friends, she didn’t just want to have sex – she wanted her.

Clarke sat up again, remembering the way that Lexa had stopped them before they ended up letting things go too far and though initially it honestly had concerned her, but then when she learned why – it actually warmed her. She agreed with what Lexa said – every single word of it and like her, she didn’t want to make any mistakes either and regardless of how badly they both seemed to want it, everything seemed to point to the fact that having sex would have most likely been a mistake, so no – just no. No, the way that they spent their evening seemed to be – by far, the better way to go. 

Getting to her feet, Clarke made her way to the bathroom to brush her teeth and grinned when she spotted a third toothbrush on the sink. She recognized it, of course – hell, she had only bought it a few days ago. Finally finishing up, she quickly went down the hall in search of Lexa. She had to be there somewhere – no way should would have just left after the night they had just spent together. 

Exiting the hallway and rounding the corner, Clarke stopped when her eyes fell on Lexa standing in the kitchen with her back to her. She leaned against the wall a little and smiled lightly, just taking in the view before her and again feeling that giddiness bubbling up in her belly. They hadn’t made an brash decisions the night before, instead deciding to just ease into the whole thing and she knew that that was the best thing, but at the same time – damn it, if she didn’t have every intention on someday making it official.

“Hi,” Clarke said softly as she wrapped her arms around her waist and pulled her close.  
“Hi,” Lexa pushed back against her.  
Clarke dropped her head onto Lexa’s shoulder, breathing her in and giving a firm squeeze.  
“Everything alright?” Lexa questioned her curiously.  
“I thought maybe it had been a dream,” Clarke admitted quietly after a moment.  
“Me too,” Lexa told her in the same hushed tone. “I’m really glad that it wasn’t though.”  
“Yeah?” Clarke questioned, again feeling warm and giddy.  
Lexa turned around in her arms and smiled lightly at her. “Are you kidding?”  
Clarke stared at her for a second, then smiled and inched up to press their lips together, fully intending to take full advantage of the deal that they had made the night before.  
“Not wasting any time, I see,” Lexa grinned as their lips parted.  
“Been there, done that,” Clarke shrugged simply before stepping out of the embrace and picking up the fresh cup of coffee that Lexa had clearly made for her.  
“I was going to bring that to you,” Lexa told her as she leaned against the counter and picked up her own mug.  
“Well, aren’t you sweet?” Clarke teased playfully, as she leaned into her again.  
Lexa took a sip of her coffee and wrapped her free arm around her. “Shhh.”

Sometime later, Clarke found herself sitting on the counter watching Lexa scramble up some eggs for the two of them. It was kind of amazing really – how easily Lexa moved through the kitchen, though after a while, she actually started to feel bad watching her do all of the work.

“I can make us some toast,” Clarke found herself offering. Toast was easy enough – anyone could make that.  
“Nope,” Lexa replied without looking at her.  
“Why not?” Clarke questioned her curiously.  
“Banished,” Lexa answered with a simple shrug as she dropped a couple of slices of bread into the toaster.  
“But, it’s just toast,” Clarke countered, though failed miserably at actually sounding offended. “And it is my kitchen.”  
“Not when I’m cooking in it,” Lexa responded matter-of-factly. “Though, if that’s not reason enough - I could get more technical.”  
Clarke felt her eyes narrow playfully. “Could you now?”  
“Yep,” Lexa popped the P and turned to face her. “See, this is also Raven’s kitchen, and I’m fairly certain that everyone voted not to let you touch anything in the kitchen – including her.”  
“Yeah,” Clarke crossed her arms and scowled a little, “because of you.”  
Lexa turned off the burner and glanced at her. “It’s not like you actually enjoy cooking anyway,” she told her with a small grin as she divided the eggs onto two plates.  
“So not the point,” Clarke shook her head and then jumped when the toast popped up, almost slipping from the counter. Damn it.  
“Fine,” Lexa smiled at her and visibly bit the inside of her lip. “I’ll make it up to you then.”  
“How?” Clarke questioned as she readjusted herself on the counter.  
Lexa stepped forward with a forkful of eggs and held them up to her, grinning lightly.  
Clarke eyed her for a moment, hesitating, before opening her mouth and accepting her offering. Fucking amazing. How the hell did she manage to make something as simple as scrambled eggs taste so damn good. Still though. “Nope,” she grinned once she finished. “It’s going to take more than that.”  
“Is it?” Lexa questioned as she stepped closer.  
Clarke smirked, not missing the way that her gaze had dropped to her lips. Great minds. “Mhm,” she nodded slowly.  
“How much more?” Lexa questioned, moving forward again and coming to a rest between her legs.  
Clarke smiled, feeling slightly dazed by her presence. “A lot,” she answered in short, brushing her nose against Lexa’s.  
“Yeah?” Lexa asked with a light grin as their lips ghosted each other.  
“Yeah,” Clarke barely responded before pressing their lips together.

There was nothing in the world quite like the feeling of kissing Lexa, whether it was light and tender or harsh and fervent – it was always simply intoxicating and honestly, there wasn’t a single thing on the planet that she enjoyed doing more. 

Click!

The sound of a camera shutter suddenly filled their ears, causing them to immediately break apart.

Turning her head, Clarke quickly rolled her eyes. “Raven,” she growled. Seriously?!  
Raven didn’t respond, instead focusing all of her attention on her phone and as Clarke’s phone began to buzz on the table she became quite certain that the picture Raven had just taken was quickly being sent off to all of their friends.  
Lexa released a slightly sigh and stepped away to finish preparing their breakfast.  
Clarke hopped down off of the counter and quickly made her eye over to her phone, nudging Raven as she passed.  
“Hey!” Raven said as she caught balance and finally looked up.  
“You’re such an ass,” Clarke told her as she picked up her phone and looked at her phone, seeing the messages tick in.

Raven: OMG!!!  
Raven: IMG_682  
O: YES!!!!!  
Jasper: Finally!  
Lincoln: Very nice.  
Monty: So sweet.  
Bellamy: Well, look at that.  
Anya: About time, though I think that I just threw up in my mouth a little.  
O:Ew.  
Raven: And you say that I’m gross?  
Anya: You are.  
O: It’s true.

“Seriously,” Raven’s astounded voice suddenly filled the room. “What did you expect me to do?”  
Clarke rolled her eyes and looked up to find Lexa standing in the kitchen and staring at her phone with a tiny grin on her face. “Mind your own business,” she answered simply.  
Raven started to laugh and picked up her phone again, firing off another message.

Raven: All those who believes that we should mind our own business, please press 1 now. Anyone who thinks that they’re out of their fricken minds, please press 2.  
O: Do you know how long I’ve waited for that? 2!!!  
Lincoln: 2 – no brainer.  
Jasper: What he said – 2.  
Bellamy: Really? 2  
Anya: Ha! 2  
Monty: 1 (2)

“No food for you,” Clarke declared as she set her phone back on the table and sat down. Not that it mattered – Lexa hadn’t made enough anyway.  
“What?” Raven exclaimed, pouting instantly. "No fair!"  
“Nope,” Clarke responded as she shook her head firmly. Nope. “Not even hearing it.”  
“Lexa – help me out here,” Raven practically whined.  
Lexa crossed the room carrying two plates and sat down at the table, before looking up at Raven. “After what you just walked in on, you really think that I’m going to take your side over hers right now?”  
“Ugh, you’re so fucking whipped,” Raven groaned as she dropped down into one of the empty chairs. “I don’t need your food anyway. Anya already fed me.”  
“I am sure she did,” Clarke smirked shamefully as she lifted a forkful of eggs to her mouth and picked up a piece of her toast.  
Raven’s eyes went wide with amusement as Lexa both shook and dropped her head. “Good to have you back, Griffin,” she grinned proudly.  
“Good to be back,” Clarke responded as she glanced at Lexa and again felt that tingling in her bones.

She didn’t know how to explain it – not one single bit of it. How they had gotten from where they had been to where they were now, was simply a mystery to her. Shaking her head in spite of herself, she could only think one thing.

Good to be back, indeed.


	58. Chapter 58

Lexa was sitting in her office with a silly little smile playing on her face, just daydreaming as she stared out the window. In the days that had passed since her lazy day with Clarke, she just felt like she was floating on cloud nine. There was no other way to describe it really – no other words seemed to fit. She felt completely weightless and her body hummed with a sensation that she had not felt in a very long time. In fact, she felt more relaxed and at ease than she had in so long that honestly, it seemed completely foreign to her and she was welcoming every single bit of it.

“Hey,” Nia’s voice suddenly filled the room.  
Lexa spun in her chair and glanced at her. “What’s up?”  
“Do you want to go get lunch?” Nia asked as she leaned against the doorframe.  
“I can’t,” Lexa shook her head. “I’m having coffee with my sister.”  
“Alright,” Nia nodded and gave a slight shrug. “How about tomorrow then?”  
“Yeah,” Lexa smiled at her. “That sounds good.”  
“Great,” Nia smirked at her and popped an eyebrow. “I’m kind of eager to hear about what it is that has had you ginning like a fool these last couple of days.”  
Instantly Lexa felt her face flush violently. “I have not been grinning like an idiot,” she denied it quickly.  
“Oh, you so totally have,” Nia laughed lightly and shook her head, “and I have no doubt that it has to do with a certain blonde, so I can’t wait to hear about it.”  
Lexa eyed her and tried to conceal the smile that was threatening to break on her face. “Lunch tomorrow,” she nodded at her.   
“Deal,” Nia smiled pleasantly, “and you’re buying,” she added before retreating back down the hallway to her own office.  
Lexa shook her head and glanced at the clock, sighing at the realization that she was apparently already running a little late. Well, just damn it all to hell.

Shit. Maybe Nia had a point about her needing to set reminders on her phone after all.

Finally crossing the threshold into Grounders a little while later, Lexa quickly weaved her way through the lunch crowd and dropped down into a chair across from her sister. “Sorry, I’m late,” she said as she readjusted, noticing that there was already a cup of coffee waiting for her.  
“I was starting to lose faith in you, squirt.” Anya replied, the sarcasm plain in her voice.  
“Gee, thanks,” Lexa rolled her eyes in jest as she picked up her coffee. “And stop calling me that already.”  
“Sure thing,” Anya told her as she leaned back in her seat, getting more comfortable. “Well, you know that I want details,” she added pointedly.  
“Of course you do,” Lexa sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose.  
“Well,” Anya urged her on impatiently with a wave of her hand. “Spill.”

Lexa took a deep breath and dove right into explaining about their lazy day – the movies, the food, all of it and then on to their little nudging match that turned completely awkward which led to the conversation in the kitchen and then finally, to the kiss that had damn near killed her. 

“Wow,” Anya said shaking her head, with an astonished look clear in her eyes. “You actually…cried?”  
“I didn’t cry,” Lexa shook her head. Not really. “Not like that, I mean. It wasn’t like that – it was just one tear. It just…I don’t know. I think that it was just the enormity of it all, you know – everything that I was feeling. I think that my body just…needed a way to express it and that just…” she tapered off.  
“It’s nothing to be ashamed of,” Anya assured her carefully.  
“I’m not,” Lexa responded firmly. Totally not. “I’m not ashamed of anything that transpired in that moment.”  
“Good,” Anya smiled at her lightly. “So, did you two…”  
“No,” Lexa shook her head quickly. Nope – definitely not. “No, we didn’t.”  
“I have to admit,” Anya nodded with a slightly proud smile. “I’m pretty impressed by that.”   
“Impressed?” Lexa chuckled into her coffee. “Anya, I haven’t slept with anyone in over two years – trust me, I’m more than capable of restraining myself.”  
“Yeah,” Anya laughed quickly and shook her head. “Except that Clarke, isn’t just anyone – and it's a fact that you two have been known to be kind of - voracious with each other.”  
Lexa felt a tiny shiver slip down her spine and she bit the inside of her lip, trying to hide her grin. Excellent point. “Okay,” she allowed with a nod. “That’s true too, but still, not sleeping together was a mutual decision.”  
"Fair enough," Anya nodded as she played with her cup. “So, are you two finally together now?”  
“No,” Lexa shook her head simply, pulling out her small pin and tapping it on the table. “We’ve decided to take it slow – just kind of feel our way through this.”  
“But, you spent the night there?” Anya questioned her again.  
“I did,” Lexa nodded. “But, all that we did was sleep.”  
“And kiss,” Anya pointed out with a slight grin before taking a sip of her coffee.  
“Yes,” Lexa nodded with a smile, “and kiss – a lot, but like I said, we’re just kind of feeling our way through it,” she reiterated.   
“Honestly, it probably is the best thing that you two didn’t just jump into bed,” Anya shrugged. “I mean, you’ve already been down that road – there’s really no need to go back.”  
“I agree and neither of us want to go back either.” Lexa shifted in her seat, feeling her phone buzz in her pocket. “We’re both in this – on the same page and wanting the same things,” she added as she retrieved her phone. 

Clarke: Would it be wrong to say that I miss you?

Lexa stared down at the phone, feeling a smile form on her face as a warmth spread through her chest. Nope. Hell no. Not at all. Besides, truth be told, she missed her too – so bad, in fact, that is was constantly clouding her mind. It had been bad enough before their weekend – but now? Forget about it.

Lexa: No.  
Clarke: I miss you.

Lexa grinned down at her phone and chewed on her lip when as an idea suddenly popped into her head. “Anya, do you think we could…” she looked up and paused, seeing the smirk on her sisters face.  
“Let me guess,” Anya popped an eyebrow at her. "Clarke?"  
Lexa nodded somewhat sheepishly.  
“Go on,” Anya chuckled and motioned toward the door. “We’ll finish this up tomorrow night when you make me dinner.”  
Lexa stopped short and looked at her for a moment, racking her mind. “I’m making you dinner tomorrow night?”  
“You are now,” Anya replied matter-of-factly as she got to her feet. “Tell her that I said, hi.”  
“Will do,” Lexa smiled before making her way toward the pastry counter. 

Five minutes later, Lexa was in her car and making her way in the direction of Clarke’s gallery. If she had timed it out right, she would be able to get there, spend a little time with Clarke and make it back to work before her lunch was technically over. If not, well – she was pretty sure that she could get Nia to overlook one small indiscretion – especially considering that she clearly wanted dirt on the two of them. Hey - work with what you got, right?

Pulling up in front of the gallery, Lexa jumped out of car and paused for a moment, straightening her collar and smoothing out any wrinkles that had magically appeared in her clothes. She probably should have told Clarke that she was coming, really she probably should have, but…oh well, too late now. Taking a deep breath, Lexa pushed her way through the door of the gallery.

“Lexa?” Clarke’s voice instantly filled her ears.  
Lexa smiled and popped her eyebrows as she approached her, taking large strides.  
“What are you doing here?” Clarke questioned her happily, though clearly taken by surprise. Point!  
“Well, I missed you too,” Lexa answered with a simple shrug and a light grin.  
A warm smile stretched across Clarke’s face as she stepped forward, wrapping her fingers around the back of Lexa’s neck and pulling her into a slightly devastating kiss.   
“Hello to you, too,” Lexa practically panted when they broke apart, feeling her knees weaken slightly.   
“Okay. New rule,” Clarke swallowed hard, clearly searching for her own breath. “You’re going to have to stop by here every so often and do that.”  
“Oh, am I?” Lexa couldn’t help but chuckle. Really now?  
“God yes,” Clarke sighed, brushing their foreheads together. “I cannot be held responsible for what might happen if I don’t get my fix.”  
“Your fix?” Lexa laughed fully this time and shook her head. This woman. “First I have to bring you food and now I have to bring you…”  
“You,” Clarke finished for her and smiled. “Though speaking of, where is my food?”  
Lexa shook her head, rolling her eyes slightly and held up the small bag that obviously Clarke had yet to notice. “It’s just a snack,” she clarified quickly. “I was at Grounders having coffee with Anya when I got your message.”  
“Well, you didn’t have to ditch her just because I said that I missed you,” Clarke said as she took the bag and peaked inside.  
“True, but I missed you too," Lexa reminded her. “And anyway, I’m apparently making her dinner tomorrow night, so,” she shrugged.  
“Fun,” Clarke nodded as she set the bag on her desk before leaning back against it and pulling her close again. She buried her face into her neck, breathing in deeply and letting out a contented sigh.  
“Are you alright?” Lexa questioned as she tucked a few blonde locks behind her ear.  
Clarke remained quiet for a moment and then nodded against her. “I just like it when you’re close to me,” she said quietly.  
“Well then, it’s a good thing that I like being close to you,” Lexa responded, pressing a firm kiss into her hair.  
Clarke leaned back a little, cupping her cheek and pressing their lips together once more. 

Though Lexa wouldn’t have thought it possible, this kiss rivaled the one that they had shared upon her arrival and as Clarke’s grip increased on the lapels of her blazer, pulling her even closer, she felt her heart rate increasing as rapidly as their breathing. It didn’t take long for the heat between their bodies and the sweeping of their tongues to start eliciting all too familiar sounds between the two of them and that, was what finally caused them to finally break apart and stare at each other, both with equally blow pupils and heaving chests.

After a moment, Clarke’s slightly bruised lips finally lifted into a slight grin as she slowly shook her head. “You should probably head back to work,” she said, her voice coming out far too raspy.  
“I probably should,” Lexa agreed, swallowing hard and still trying to catch her breath. She definitely should!  
“Thank you for the snack though,” Clarke whispered as she pressed one more light kiss to her lips and stepped away. “And the fix,” she added with a smirk.  
“My pleasure,” Lexa nodded at her, smoothing out her blazer. “I’ll still see you on Friday?”  
Clarke nodded, before her eyebrows popped up causing the most adorable expression. “Text me later, though?”  
“Of course,” Lexa smiled warmly at her and made her way out of the gallery and back to her car.

Once in the driver’s seat though, Lexa gripped the steering wheel, taking a deep breath and releasing a full body shake as she tried to clear her mind of all of the undeniably sinful thoughts that had just appeared there concerning Clarke and that desk.

Okay, so - maybe taking things slowly might not be as easy as she had thought after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea where that...actually yes, I do and I couldn't even help it.  
> You know the drill - feel free to yell at me.


	59. Chapter 59

Clarke braced herself against her desk and took a deep, steading breath because – holy fucking shit, that was hot. Too hot. Hot to the point that she had seriously – seriously considered swiping everything off of her desk and thoroughly tainting it in the best fucking way possible. Biting her lip, she closed her eyes and allowed herself get lost in the thought of it for a moment – just a moment, before the sound of the gallery door opening ripped her away from it. Snapping her eyes open and turning quickly, she practically groaned at the sight of Raven and Octavia bouncing through the door. 

Great. Here we go.

“What are you two doing her?” Clarke questioned them quickly, already knowing full well what the answer was.  
“Clarke,” Raven grinned at her. “How long did you really think that you’d be able to avoid us?”  
“I was aiming for forever,” Clarke quipped as she rounded her desk and dropped into her chair.  
“Imagine that,” Octavia chuckled lightly. “You’d be so lost.”  
“You alright there, Griff?” Raven questioned her curiously as they approached. “You look a little flushed.”  
“I’m fine,” Clarke insisted, instantly feeling grateful that they hadn’t come through the door five minutes earlier.  
“You’re sweating,” Octavia pointed out as she dragged a chair closer to the desk.  
“It’s hot in here,” Clarke deflected quickly. Jerks.  
Raven dropped down on a nearby stool and eyed the pastry bag on her desk. “Sure, that’s what it is,” she nodded. “So, exactly how long did we miss her by?”  
Octavia smiled and gave her a knowing look.  
Clarke bit her lip and shook her head slowly. Ugh. Fine. “Two minutes,” she answered in short.  
“Damn it!” Raven laughed and snapped her fingers quickly.  
“So close,” Octavia shook her head. “We’re you two seriously getting all hot and heavy in here?”  
“No,” Clarke answered quickly.  
Both of them shot her skeptical looks.

Well, yes – maybe a little – kind of? No. That’s not what they were doing. It was just a kiss. A very long, sensual, blistering… Stop it! Focus - fuck. It was just a kiss.

“We just kissed,” Clarke admitted with a sigh and shook her head. “Shut up,” she rolled her eyes.  
“Hey,” Raven smiled, putting her hands up. “We are not judging.”  
“Not at all,” Octavia agreed instantly. “We think that it’s fucking awesome.”  
Clarke closed her eyes and shook her head again, but couldn’t help smile. These idiots.  
“Completely awesome,” Raven added. “However, you totally owe us some details.”   
“Right?” Octavia glanced at her and nodded. “I mean, you haven’t really updated us too much since our girls day. I think we’re due.”  
Clarke sighed and leaned back in her chair, suddenly grateful that her workload was pretty light today, because she was sure that this was going to take a while. 

And so she began. 

She started with the way that things began to shift after she had last spoke to the pair of them about Lexa and all of this, explaining how she had taken what they had said to her and actively tried to apply it to her life. To let go and not think about it but rather, just do what felt right and how the more that she did, the more that it seemed to work. How she and Lexa just seemed to slip into this strange and yet amazing place of familiarity. She told them about the way that they drifted away from asking each other direct questions and started just having actual conversations about something other than what had happened. How they started joking and teasing – flirting even. She filled them in on the way that Lexa had misconstrued things between her and Niylah and how she had gotten adorably jealous and then the bold fucking way that Lexa had tossed her cigarettes away at the knowledge that she could never date a smoker. 

“I was wondering where that came from,” Raven smirked, shaking her head.  
“Well played, Clarke,” Octavia told her, seemingly impressed.  
“I was just stating a fact,” Clarke shrugged, knowing that for the most part, it was utter crap.  
“Uh huh,” Raven continued to smirk. “Sure you were.”

Moving on from there, the topic fell to Lexa actually taking an assignment and how she thought that it had been a really good thing that things happened the way that they did because Lexa got to see – really see how sincerely she had meant what she had talked to her about her career and making her own decisions about it. Blushing profusely, she admitted to them that she had missed her like crazy that weekend and how honestly she couldn’t decide if it was that she missed her because she actually missed her or if it was simply because she couldn’t see her. Finally admitting that once they Facetimed that evening she had no doubt that it was really that she just missed her and that she had missed her the way that she had used to even before all of their chaos had started. It was that need again. To see her and talk to her – to just be around her all of the time.

“Well, you were always like that though,” Raven shrugged. “I mean, everyone knew that you always wanted Lexa all to yourself.”  
“It wasn’t one sided though,” Octavia interjected quickly. “It was always more than obvious that when you were in the room Lexa barely saw anyone else.”  
Clarke smiled at the thought and looked down at her hands, wondering vaguely how she could have never noticed that.  
“Totally true,” Raven agreed with a nod. “Continue,” she motioned to her.   
Clarke took a deep breath and swallowed hard, surprised at how easily all of the information was falling from her lips.

The weekend at Anya’s. She explained to them how strange it had been for the both of them to be there, but that they had faced it together and then she moved onto the chess game and how Lexa’s little speech damn near had her swallowing her own tongue – before coming to their little ice war in the kitchen which was, for lack of better words, fucking incredible and afterward, their moment in the hallway. She stumbled on her words, trying to explain how that night – that one simple fucking night, made her feel more normal than she had felt in really long time.

“That was a great fucking night,” Raven pointed out quickly.  
“So much fucking fun,” Octavia smiled at her. “You two were so...I don't know, you were just so - you and it was amazing to see you guys together like that again.”  
“That’s exactly how it felt too – like we were just us again,” Clarke told them as she shifted in her seat a little. “It was so weird because it all seemed so foreign and yet familiar all at the same time.”

Continuing on, she explained about how she’d been struggling, trying to find a balance between wanting something with Lexa and her own apprehensions – and not knowing specifically what it was that Lexa wanted, but also that she had been too afraid to just ask. She swallowed her pride there, going a step further and admitting how worried she had been that Lexa wouldn’t want anything more than what they had before and how, deep down, she knew that it couldn’t be like that again. She then told them about how Lexa had stopped by to see her, prior to their lazy day and about how after that, she realized that she wasn’t the only one who was struggling and how on some weird level, though it didn’t answer any of her questions, it still eased her mind – knowing that she wasn’t alone.

And then finally – their lazy day. She skipped over the details about the food and movies, though not without scolding the both of them for having ever mentioning that awful – awful movie to her. She told them about how they started horsing around and ended up slipping off of the couch, about how their bodies slipped together so seamlessly – the way that they always had and about how tempted she had been, until she saw that look in Lexa’s eyes. Shaking her head at the memory she moved on to the conversation in the kitchen and that, was a topic that brought them both to the edge of their seats.

“Everything,” Octavia echoed the word, shaking her head slightly.  
“I won’t even lie,” Clarke sighed. “As soon as she said that she wanted me to be hers, the same way that she was already mine – I was just gone.”  
“What do you mean, gone?” Raven questioned curiously with her brow knitted up.  
“I kissed her,” Clarke answered simply. “I had to – I so fucking had to,” she added with a slight shiver.  
“And?” Octavia urged her on quickly.  
“Ugh,” Clarke groaned as she dropped her head into her hands and shook her head. “Let’s just say,” she paused and inhaled deeply. “I definitely missed that.”  
The room quickly filled with the sound of silly giggling.

Next was the way that Lexa had pulled away and her reasoning behind it– to which both Raven and Octavia were equally impressed. She then explained about their conversation on the couch and the decision that they had come to and why. Shaking her head, she let out slight huff, still feeling baffled at how easily all of this was coming out.

“And how long do you think that’s going to last?” Raven joked instantly.  
“Raven,” Clarke rolled her eyes on reflex. “We’re not a couple of teenagers.” Like, really?   
“Oh?” Raven popped an eyebrow at her and grinned. “What were you thinking about when we walked in then?”  
Clarke felt her face burn as she bit down on her lip, certain that the color on her face had just shifted several shades. Asshole.  
“Bet you I can guess,” Octavia quipped with a smile.  
Clarke shook her head. Correction: Assholes. “Look – it’s not my fault,” she told them quickly. “It’s like, when she kisses me, I just – ugh, I get so fucking lost in it. I can't even help it.”  
“I think that I need to adjust my bet,” Raven said with an acknowledging tone.   
“Nope, not happening.” Octavia shook her head. “Too late.”  
“Oh, come on,” Raven tried to argue. “I didn’t have this inside information before.”  
“Yeah, I’m pretty sure there is a reason why that’s not allowed,” Octavia countered quickly.  
Raven groaned dramatically, but seemed to accept it.  
“I really wish that you guys wouldn’t do that,” Clarke shook her head, rolling her eyes at them for what felt like the millionth time.   
“Pfft,” Raven immediately shook her head. “Who are you trying to kid, Griffin? If the shoe was on the other foot and it was any one of us – you’d be the first one laying down a bet.”  
“Totally irrelevant,” Clarke responded matter-a-factly and shook her head, but smiled all the same because, yeah – it was totally true. She would.  
“Okay, so sex aside or the lack thereof rather,” Octavia started. “How do you feel now?”   
Clarke smiled, instantly overtaken by a warm fuzzy feeling. “I feel like,” she paused and shook her head. “I’m going to need a lot of ChapStick.”  
Again, the room filled with the sound of silly giggling.  
“So, you’re happy.” Octavia smiled at her.  
Clarke nodded, but didn’t say anything. After all, she didn’t want to jinx it.  
“Forget happy,” Raven shook her head quickly. “She’s fucking addicted.”  
Clarke laughed and leaned back in her chair, glancing at the ceiling. It was true - totally true. She was and - God, did it feel good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know.


	60. Chapter 60

Lexa was standing in her bathroom, fixing her hair as she prepared to head over the showcase at Clarke’s gallery. It had been almost two weeks since the dramatic shift in their relationship and honesty, things were going great - really great. So far, they had been able to stand by what they had agreed on and refrained from having sex, however, they did have several very, very close calls. While it was still more than obvious that they both wanted it, they both seemed slightly apprehensive about taking that leap and somehow, neither of them were much bothered by it. Just like before – what they had right now, worked for them.

Walking into the gallery sometime later, Lexa was slightly taken aback when her eyes fell on all of their friends. While she had expected that some might be there, she had no idea that they all would actually be attending. Not that it was a bad thing or anything, she was simply surprised. As it was, so far – the only person who she and Clarke had really been around since the shift between them, was Raven. Should be an interesting night, to say the least. 

“Everything alright there, squirt?” Anya questioned her curiously, holding out a glass of champagne to her.  
Lexa gave her a side glace and raised an eyebrow at her as she accepted the glass.  
“Stop calling me that,” Raven suddenly mimicked.  
“Exactly,” Lexa nodded. “Thank you, and yes, I’m fine. I just didn’t know that all of you guys were going to be here.”  
“Oh, of course,” Lincoln nodded quickly.  
“Yeah,” Jasper jumped in. “It might not be Clarke’s work, but it is her gallery. Have to support her.”  
“Absolutely,” Octavia nodded as she leaned into Lincoln’s side. "We come to all of the showcases."  
“Where is she?” Lexa questioned curiously, honestly eager to see her.  
“That way,” Raven pointed toward the back of the gallery.  
“Thanks,” Lexa nodded as she took a sip of her champagne. “I’ll see you guys in a bit.”  
“No funny business, lady,” Raven sassed her.  
Lexa grinned and shook her head. “Shut up,” she told her before walking away.

It didn’t take long for her to find Clarke, standing towards the back of the gallery and deep in conversation with a small group of people. Lexa smiled, just taking in the scene. Clarke looked simply breathtaking, in a perfectly fitting black dress that fell just passed her knees and matching heels. Not wanting to interrupt, she took a sip of her champagne and began to look at some of the work on the wall near her. Though she had been to showcases with Clarke before, and even showcases for Clarke, she had never been to one that was actually organized, by Clarke. The work was different, heavily abstract and it pulled her attention easily, causing her brow to knit up in curiosity as she found herself getting lost in it for a while, that was, until soft fingers slipped around her wrist and pulled her away.

Suddenly finding herself in the back room of the gallery, Lexa couldn’t help but smile as Clarke pressed their lips together. It wasn’t harsh or desperate, but rather soft and warming. “Hi,” Clarke finally told her when she inched back.  
“Hi,” Lexa smiled at her. “You look amazing.”  
“Thank you,” Clarke blushed lightly. “How long have you been here?”  
“Only a few minutes,” Lexa replied and shook her head. “You looked busy, so I just figured that I’d look around.”  
“What do you think of it?” Clarke questioned her curiously.  
“The work?” Lexa asked, popping an eyebrow slightly. “It’s, different.”  
Clarke chuckled and shook her head. “Yeah,” she smiled. “I thought that you might say that.”  
“We should probably get back out there,” Lexa told her quickly. As much as she would have liked to remain exactly where she was, she knew that they really couldn’t.  
“Yeah, I know.” Clarke said as she dropped another quick kiss on her lips. “Come on,” she said pulling her by the hand.

Stepping out of the back room, Lexa again found herself face to face with something that she wasn't expecting - Jake and Abby Griffin and she stumbled slightly as her feet seemed to freeze to the floor.

“There you are,” Abby said as she and Jake approached them.  
“Mom,” Clarke smiled happily at her. "I'm glad you guys could make it."  
Lexa’s brain short circuited for a moment and like a teenager who just got caught, she let go of Clarke's hand. Crap. Did they even know..?  
“Hey kiddo,” Jake smiled as her dropped a kiss on Clarke’s forehead. “Lexa.”  
“Jake,” Lexa nodded pleasantly and turned to Abby.  
“You look good, Lexa,” Abby smiled at her. “Except, you’ve got a little…” she reached up and swiped her thumb across her lower lip.

Instantly Lexa felt her face flush with embarrassment as she threw a look at Clarke, who burst with laughter. Are you serious right now???

“There,” Abby continued to smile, clearly enjoying this way too much. “That’s better.”  
“Okay,” Lexa said with a stiff nod, not looking at any of them. “I’m just going to go that way,” she said before starting to walk away.  
“Lexa?” Abby called after her.  
Lexa took a deep breath – shit, she turned back to them, wincing internally.  
“You really do make it too easy,” Abby smirked at her playfully as Jake and Clarke laughed.  
Lexa shook her head, feeling her face flush further and walked away. 

The rest of the evening seemed to go smoothly, minus the fact that apparently everyone had heard about her exchange with Abby and they were all having way too much fun picking on her about it. Clarke should have noticed it before they had stepped back out into the gallery that she had lipstick on her face – she’d make her pay for that later. Granted, it obviously wasn’t that big of a deal – but still, it was only fair. Though one good thing did come from it - she learned that Jake and Abby knew about them and apparently, were okay with it. Sweet! It might have seemed silly, but that mattered. It mattered - a lot.

As the evening was coming to a close, Lexa found herself standing in front of a large colorful painting that literally went from the floor to the ceiling and though admittedly, she didn’t have the slightest idea what she was looking at, she just kept herself planted there, waiting for the clock to run down so that they could leave for Polis.

“Hey,” Clarke appeared at her side and looped their arms together. “Are you going to Polis?”  
“I was planning on it,” Lexa nodded at her. “Why?”  
“Everyone’s getting ready to head over,” Clarke motioned toward the door, where all of their friends were.  
“What about you?” Lexa questioned, her brow furrowing slightly.  
“A bunch of pieces sold, so I have some things that I need to wrap up here, but I’ll be over in a little while.” Clarke assured her.  
“I could wait for you,” Lexa offered. She really didn’t mind waiting a little longer.  
“No. You go ahead,” Clarke shook her head. “I’m not sure how long it will take, but I’m sure that I’ll see you soon,” she kissed her lightly.  
“Okay,” Lexa agreed, shaking off the shiver caused by her kiss. 

An hour later, Lexa found herself sitting at the bar in Polis, finishing her drink while she listened to Raven and Jasper chat about something that she didn't understand with Echo, who was tending that night. Though Abby and Jake had opted out, pretty much everyone else from the gallery showcase was present, that was, except for Clarke. Feeling her phone buzz in her pocket, Lexa pulled it out and smiled, seeing Clarke’s name on the screen.

Clarke: Sorry!  
Clarke: I’ll be there as soon as I can.  
Lexa: No problem.   
Lexa: Be careful driving over.  
Clarke: Always.

Lexa tucked her phone back into her pocket and flagged Echo down for another drink, because – might as well. 

Barely a minute later, as Echo set her new drink on the bar, something to her left caught her attention and turning, a slight grin broke on her face. “Hello Niylah.”  
“Lexa,” Niylah smiled kindly at her as she slipped onto the stool. “We just keep meeting like this.”  
“Apparently we do,” Lexa agreed with a light chuckle. “How are you?”  
“I’m doing alright,” Niylah answered as she crossed her legs and turned slightly. “How are things going with you?”  
“With me,” Lexa gave her a questioning look. “Or with me and Clarke?”  
Niylah laughed lightly. “Oh, I already know that you and Clarke are doing well,” she told her.   
Lexa chuckled again and shook her head. Honestly, she wasn’t even surprised. “We are,” she acknowledged with a nod. “And to answer your question, things with me are going very well. Clarke should be here in a little bit, I think. There was a showcase at the gallery tonight and she’s supposed to meet us here,” she explained.  
“I know,” Niylah told her with a smile. “I was there.”  
“You were?” Lexa felt her brow furrow. No – really? “I didn’t see you.”  
“I saw you,” Niylah grinned almost playfully. “I actually bought two pieces – wrapped things up with Clarke about, half an hour ago.”  
“You were with Clarke?” Lexa questioned her, simply on reflex.  
Niylah gave her a curious look. “Lexa.”  
“No,” Lexa shook her head quickly. Shit. Stupid. “I didn’t mean it like…like that, I just meant…” she shook her head again, feeling suddenly ridiculous and took a sip of her drink.  
Niylah chuckled, almost sympathetically at her. “Don’t worry, Lexa. I’m actually here with someone,” she assured her.  
Lexa nodded, feeling a light blush bloom on her cheeks. “Sorry, she said in short. “So, you like art?” She asked, desperate to change the subject.  
“It’s fine and yes, I do,” Niylah answered simply.  
“Have you ever seen any of Clarke's work?" Lexa questioned, picking up her glass again. “She's really good. I mean, I know that she doesn’t do much anymore, but – any of her older stuff?”  
“I have, yes.” Niylah nodded and picked up her glass. “I actually own one of her pieces.”  
Lexa paused mid-sip on her drink. Hm. “You do?”  
“Mhm,” Niylah nodded again. “I bought it…oh, I don’t know, about a year and a half ago.”  
Lexa felt something tighten in her chest. It couldn’t be. “Landscape?” She found herself questioning, even though she really, really didn’t want the answer.  
“I’m sorry?” Niylah questioned her with a look of slight confusion.  
“The piece,” Lexa clarified quickly, feeling her heart rate increasing. “I know that Clarke does a lot of landscapes.”  
“Oh,” Niylah shook her head, finally understanding. “No. It’s portrait actually,” she explained. "Beautiful piece."  
Lexa felt the tightening in her chest increase to a burn. No way. Nope. No.  
“Niylah!” A voice suddenly called out, causing Niylah to turn.  
“Ah, there she is. Sorry Lexa, I have to go.” Niylah said quickly, sliding off of the stool. “It was good talking to you though,” she turned and walked away.  
Lexa swallowed hard, feeling the pressure in her chest increase before spinning quickly, unable to help herself. Just, fuck it. “Niylah,” she called after her. “What’s the portrait of?”   
Niylah turned around and looked at her. “The female form,” she called back to her and then left.  
Lexa felt her jaw slip as her stomach bottomed out and she turned back to the bar. For real?

Picking up her glass, Lexa downed it in one go, before rolling her head to the side and dropping her shoulder blades, desperately trying to stretch out the muscles in her chest. Quickly, everything inside of her seemed to shift as her body temperature skyrocketed. 

No fucking way. Clarke had sold her picture – to Niylah. Niylah? Seriously? Lexa bit down hard on her lip, until her mouth filled with a metallically taste. Well, fuck. No wonder Clarke didn’t want her to know. 

“Can I get you another one, Lexa?” Echo asked pleasantly as she stopped in front of her.  
Lexa brought her gaze up and released her lip. “Make it a double,” she replied through her clenched teeth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, so - about that...


	61. Chapter 61

Clarke sat at her desk filling out paperwork and finalizing the sale of pieces from the showcase. The night had been incredibly successful, even more so that she had anticipated and she was honestly thrilled with the outcome of it all. Everything had gone perfect - perfect and now, she was buzzing on a natural high. 

“Hey,” Niylah said as she approached the desk.  
Clarke looked up and smiled at her. “Two pieces this time?”  
“They’re just too gorgeous,” Niylah smiled as she dropped down into the chair.  
“Pricey too,” Clarke noted quickly. “Are you sure that you want both?”  
“Of course,” Niylah replied as she set a check on her desk.  
Clarke nodded as she turned her attention to the paperwork in front of her and began to write it up.  
“So, I assume everything is still going well between you and Lexa,” Niylah said with a knowing tone.  
Clarke grinned, but didn’t look up. “Very well,” she answered with another nod.  
“You two were pretty adorable when she was leaving earlier,” Niylah told her with a smile.  
Clarke looked up at her. “My initial plan was actually to leave with her but,” she motioned to all of the paperwork on her desk.  
“It happens,” Niylah simply shrugged.  
“It does,” Clarke sighed lightly as her eyes found an unfamiliar brunette lingering in the background. “On a date?”  
Niylah grinned at her. “She’s a friend,” she acknowledged.  
“Mhm,” Clarke grinned back at her and got to her feet, holding out a piece of paper to her. “You’re all set.”  
“Thank you,” Niylah said, standing up and accepting the receipt.  
“Delivery will probably be,” Clarke paused and thought for a moment. “Eh, within the week?”  
“Perfect,” Niylah nodded at her as she tucked the receipt into her pocket.

A little while later, Clarke was just about finished wrapping everything up and feeling quite grateful that her parent’s had hung around to give her a hand, though she had the sneaking suspicion that they did it for reasons other than just of the sheer generosity of their hearts.

“Well, it looks like that’s the last of them,” Jake said as he approached, setting a large canvas against the wall.  
“Finally,” Clarke sighed and rolled her eyes slightly. “I’m so ready to get out of here.”  
He eyed her curiously for a moment. “So, things with you and Lexa?”  
“Things are going very well,” Clarke told him with a slight smile. Yep. Totally saw that coming.  
“Well, they definitely seem it,” Abby said as she came up behind them. “You both looked amazing tonight.”  
“Mom,” Clarke shook her head. “You’ve seen me in the dress, at least half a dozen times.”  
“That’s not what I meant,” Abby gave her a look, “and you know it.”  
Clarke smiled warmly at her. Yeah, maybe she did.  
“The four of us should have dinner sometime,” Jake suggested suddenly.  
Clarke shook her head. Ehh. “I don’t know if we’re quite there yet,” she told him.  
“No?” His brow knitted up slightly.  
“No,” Clarke shook her head again, “and after what Mom pulled tonight – we may never be.”  
“Oh, come on,” Abby laughed instantly. “That was too good to pass up, besides – I couldn’t very well allow her to walk around like that.”  
“If I would have noticed…” Clarke started quickly.  
“But, you didn’t,” Abby cut her off, still smiling. “I was just - helping.”  
“Oh, is that what you call it?” Clarke laughed as she picked up her purse.  
“Absolutely,” Abby replied insistently.  
Clarke smirked and rolled her eyes playfully.

A short time later, Clarke found herself making her way through the parking lot toward the entrance of Polis. Crossing the threshold, she couldn’t help but smile because – finally. Between wrapping up everything from the showcase and chatting with her parents, it had taken her way longer to get there than she had anticipated and now she really was so totally ready to get a drink – and honestly, get her fix. Granted, it had been less than two hours since she had seen Lexa, but still – she needed it. As she weaved her way through the restaurant and toward the lounge a familiar voice caught her attention.

“Clarke?”  
Clarke turned and smiled easily. “Hello Thelonious.”  
“It’s been awhile, Clarke,” he smiled at her. “I trust things are going well? You look great.”  
“Very well,” Clarke nodded at him. “Definitely better than…” she broke off and shook her head, but smiled.  
“I’m glad to hear it,” Thelonious said as his attention was slightly pulled away for a moment. “Anyway, we still miss having you preform here. Any chance that you’re playing again?”  
Clarke shook her head. Though recently, she had lightly felt the itch – no.  
“Ah, too bad,” he sighed lightly. “Well, if you ever get back into it – just come by and see me, okay?”  
“Thank you, Thelonious,” Clarke smiled appreciatively at him. He was a good guy.

They chatted for a few more minutes about music and business before finally parting ways. As Clarke hastily made her way toward the lounge she again found her path block, but this time, by someone unexpected.

“Clarke,” Echo said as she stepped in front of her. “I wouldn’t go over there, if I were you.”  
Clarke felt her eyebrows rocket upward. “Excuse me?”  
Echo shook her head, her eyes looking slightly worried. “I don’t know what’s going on,” she explained quickly, “but something’s definitely up with Lexa.”  
Clarke’s eyes immediately shot to the bar where Lexa was sitting, looking quite ridged with a glass in one hand and her pin in the other, brutally flicking her thumb against the end of it. Hm. “I think that I can handle it,” she assured her as she went to step away.  
“Clarke,” Echo stopped her again. “She’s already told Jasper, Raven and her sister to, and I quote – fuck off.”  
Clarke’s eyes went to the bar again. “What happened?” She questioned unintentionally harsh.  
“I don’t know,” Echo insisted as she shook her head. “Everything was fine and then all of a sudden – not so much.”

It didn’t make any sense. She had just texted Lexa a little while ago and she had seemed perfectly normal. What the hell could have happened to get her all wound up like this? Glancing across the lounge, Clarke found all of her friends sitting at a table clearly having a conversation, but so plainly eyeing Lexa – Anya most of all. 

That’s it. Fuck this.

Taking a deep breath, Clarke approached her quickly, coming to a stop at the stool directly to her right. “Lexa?”  
“Go away, Clarke,” Lexa replied in a low, but firm voice.  
“Lexa,” Clarke repeated, keeping her tone bother calm and cautious. “What’s going…”  
“I said – go away, Clarke,” Lexa repeated stiffly, her features completely tensed. “I don’t want to talk to you.”  
Clarke took a deep breath. What the hell? “Lex,” she tried again.  
Lexa spun on her stool and locked their eyes, her gaze was hard and burning, but also glossy and slightly unfocused. Fucking great.  
Clarke instantly took a step back. Shit. “You’re drunk,” she stated carefully.  
Lexa took a breath and turned her gaze back to her glass, drinking down the last of it. “Is the meaning of, I don’t want to talk to you – somehow lost to you?”  
Clarke felt her eyes sharpen instantly and her eyebrow raise. Seriously? 

Okay. Stop. Just, stop. Calm down. Don’t get angry.

Lexa raised her hand, catching Echo's attention.  
Without thought, Clarke reached forward and turned her glass over on the bar, pushing it aside. “I think that you’ve had enough,” she told her.  
“Back off, Clarke,” Lexa warned her through her clenched her teeth.  
Clarke glanced at Echo and shook her head shortly and to her appreciation, Echo nodded and walked away.  
“You really have a lot of fucking nerve,” Lexa said as she got to her feet, swaying slightly. “You know that?”  
“I’ve heard,” Clarke responded, raising her chin. Seriously – what the hell was going on?  
Lexa eyed her for a moment, then scoffed and shaking her head, walked away.  
Clarke stood there, just racking her brain for something – anything that would help any of this make sense.

What the fuck was going on? Why was Lexa suddenly so angry with her? What had she done? Lexa had been fine just a couple of hours ago – more than fine even. What the hell had happened? 

Glancing at her friends, her eyes found a variety of expressions, but it was Anya’s that caught her attention the most. It was stern, but curious – searching. Raven and Octavia suddenly started pointing to something behind her, and turning, Clarke saw Lexa exit Polis altogether. Fucking crap. With a slight groan, she turned on her heel and went after her. As her feet hit the street, she looked around, spotting Lexa about half a block away. Brilliant. 

“Lexa,” Clarke said when she finally caught up with her. “Lexa, just stop.”  
Lexa turned slowly with her lip curling and a rather harsh look in her eyes. “Where is my picture, Clarke?”  
Clarke stopped short, her eye twitch slightly as her shoulders instantly squared. This again? Seriously? “We’ve already discussed this,” she replied firmly, feeling her own defenses snapping into place.  
“No,” Lexa said sharply as she shook her head. “You, refused to give me an answer.”  
“Well, I hope that you’re not expecting anything different this time around,” Clarke responded thickly, crossing her arms in firm defiance. That's right - not happening.  
“Why would I?” Lexa bit back, raising her hands. “Obviously, there’s a reason that you don’t want me to know.”  
“Because it’s none of your business, Lexa.” Clarke reminded her briskly, feeling her own annoyance climbing. Again – already discussed this.  
Lexa let out a unsettling laugh and shook her head.  
Clarke shivered, feeling her blood slightly curl, but steadied herself, not willing to back down.

The sound of approaching footsteps suddenly filled her ears and turning, Clarke found their friends quickly approaching them. Intervention – Thank God! While she was always up for a good fight – this needed to stop. It was a pointless argument and though Lexa had clearly gotten herself all worked up about it, she had also apparently had way too much to drink. Not a good combination. Not for one of their fights. Nope. Definitely not.

“We should go,” Anya said to Lexa as they neared.  
“Yeah, guys,” Raven chimed in, trying to help. “Let’s call it a night.”  
Clarke stared at her, silently hoping that she heeded their words and called it a night. If she didn’t, there was no telling how nasty this could really get.  
Lexa shook her head and took a step forward, her glossy eyes burning with something utterly unreadable, “Tell me,” her tone dripped with venom, “that you did not sell my picture to your fuck buddy.”  
Clarke blinked and took a step back, so stunned by her words that she couldn’t even formulate a response. 

The fuck? Where the hell..? Did she really just say..? Nope. Not doing this. Not fucking doing it. Fuck this – and her!

Biting down on her tongue, Clarke pushed passed her, feeling her annoyance quickly shifting into something much, much uglier. She needed to get out of there – right fucking now, before it was too late, - before something seriously unacceptable happened.  
“You did,” Lexa scathing voice filled her ears. "You actually sold it to the woman that you were sleeping with," she added with a tone of raw astonishment.  
“Lexa,” Anya cautioned firmly.  
“Back off, Anya” Lexa barked at her.  
Clarke kept walking, trying her best to ignore her, though feeling her temper rising. Don’t do it. Don’t turn back. Don’t fucking do it.

This was insane – completely insane and Jesus fuck, was Lexa in rare fucking form tonight.

“Or is that why you started sleeping with her?” Lexa pushed quite crudely, as she followed her. "Huh?"  
Clarke bit down harder on her tongue and kept walking. This bitch. Nope. She’s drunk. Not taking the bait. Not doing it.  
“So that you could stare at it while she fucked you,” Lexa continued viciously. "A little visual stimulation to help get you over the edge?”

Fuck. Enough already!

Clarke felt the inferno in her chest finally reach her eyes and as she spun on her heel, the piercing sound of skin striking skin echoed throughout the street.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know, just last night I actually had a discussion about the pointlessness of breaking things out of anger or frustration.  
> Alright, hang on. I'm sure that I have some tape around here somewhere.


	62. Chapter 62

Lexa awoke with a jolt to the loud and startling sound of clanging metal above her. Looking up, she found sister towering over her with a pot in one hand and a large metal spoon in the other. “What the fuck?” She groaned as her head throbbed.  
“Oh good, you're awake.” Anya said quite plainly. “Come on,” she added as she pulled her to her feet.  
Lexa grudgingly stumbled her way into the kitchen, quickly flopping into one of the chairs and dropping her head into her hands, wincing immediately. "Ow."  
“What do you remember?” Anya questioned as she walked toward the stove.  
Lexa winced internally this time. Fuck. Too much and not nearly enough. “I think that Clarke hit me,” she said as she closed her eyes and lightly ran her fingers across her cheekbone. Fuck.  
Anya stopped short an gave her an rather annoyed look. “I hit you, you asshole,” she clarified quickly.  
Lexa’s eyes snapped up instantly, wide with shock. Seriously?  
“Don't even look at me like that,” Anya shook her head firmly as she set two plates on the table and sat down. “You were so fucking far out of line last night, that you’re lucky that I only did it once.”  
Lexa closed her eyes and released a heavy sigh. It was true and she knew it. 

There was no excuse for her behavior or what she had said to Clarke. Not a single one would do. She got upset and then drunk and then angry and then…. Ugh. Fuck. Why did she drink so much? So stupid.

“How did I get here?” Lexa questioned as she rubbed her eyes. Fuck. Never drinking again.  
“Lincoln,” Anya answered simply as she picked up her fork and began to eat.  
Lexa picked up her fork and pushed her eggs around the plate. Just the mere sight of them was making her stomach turn.  
“Listen squirt, it’s no secret that you and Clarke don’t hold back on each other when you’re fighting – there is a reason that Octavia calls it the Crazy Clexa House,” Anya told her after a moment. “However, last night – you had no right to talk to her like that. You totally hit her below the belt and she didn’t even do anything.”  
“She sold my picture to Niylah,” Lexa responded childishly, feeling her stomach turn again.  
“Ugh, this fucking picture,” Anya sighed, rolling her eyes as she shook her head.  
“It just seemed so,” Lexa paused and shook her head, “wrong.” Totally true.  
“Clarke sold a lot of her work when she was getting ready to buy the gallery,” Anya told her pointedly. “How do you even know that it’s the same piece?”  
“Niylah said that she bought a portrait of the female form from Clarke a year and a half ago,” Lexa explained with a quick shrug. “It fits,”  
“Jesus fuck, Lexa,” Anya snapped as she slapped her hand against her forehead. “Did it never occurred to you that it could be a different piece?”

Well, no.

“It fits,” Lexa repeated firmly. It did. “And Clarke didn’t deny it.”  
“She didn’t admit it either,” Anya pointed out swiftly.  
“That’s because she won’t talk about it,” Lexa bit back and crossed her arms, slouching in her chair.  
“And maybe there's a reason for that,” Anya suggested rather matter-of-factly.  
“Yeah,” Lexa scoffed and shook her head. “Because she didn’t want me to know.”  
“Or maybe it simply hurts too much,” Anya countered briskly. “Just think about it, will you? She’s had opportunities to sell it before – you know that she has, but she never did because she loved it so much. You ever think that maybe it wasn’t that she wanted to sell it, but that she had to? Maybe, having it around after you left was just too much.”  
Lexa leaned back in her seat. Okay. Well, shit. Never thought about it like that. “Aren’t you supposed to be on my side?”  
“Not when you behave the way that you did last night,” Anya shook her head firmly.  
Fair enough. “I just got angry,” Lexa responded with a small shrug.  
“You got stupid,” Anya corrected her with a stern look.  
“That too,” Lexa acknowledged with a small nod. No argument.

She had been stupid, it was true and she couldn’t even really explain why. Everything had just shifted so quickly and before she knew it, her blinders were on and her mouth was just running on autopilot. Fuck. Just – fuck! How the fuck was she supposed to fix this now? Where the hell was she even supposed to start? Should she call her? Text her? Fuck, what was she even going to say? Ugh. Clarke probably wouldn’t even talk to her now. Fuck – what a mess.

“She’ll see you,” Anya said, as though she had read her thoughts.  
Lexa looked at her, feeling her eyebrows raise. Really? “How do you know?”  
“Because she told me,” Anya answered simply as she got to her feet and took her plate to the sink. “Unlike you, she actually kept a mostly cool head last night. Granted, I wouldn’t necessarily expect one when you go see her. I still can’t believe you even said that shit to her. So fucking rude.”  
Lexa felt her skin crawl a bit as she squirmed in her seat. Yeah. It was pretty bad. Okay – really bad and she had no excuse for it.  
“Before you go see her though, you really need to figure out what you want,” Anya told her as she leaned back against the counter.  
“I know what I want,” Lexa insisted immediately. Clarke!  
“Clearly you don’t, if you’re willing to throw it all away over a picture,” Anya shook her head.  
Lexa felt her eyes sharpen. Bullshit. “I don’t want to throw anything away,” she told her firmly.  
“Then maybe you need to accept that the picture is just gone and regardless of where it ended up, for whatever reason – she doesn’t want to talk about it,” Anya didn’t miss a beat. “I know that this isn't about the fact that it's your body. I get that it symbolized something else to you – I do, but at the end of the day, it is just a picture.”  
Lexa stared at her. She knew that she was right, but God – if it didn’t feel fucking impossible to let it go.

After spending the next hour getting scolded by her sister, Lexa made her way home to shower so that she no longer smelled like a distillery and then finally made her way over to Clarke’s. Standing at her door, she found herself honestly terrified of what would happen once she knocked. Anya had said that Clarke would see her, which was awesome, but still – the fear of what might transpire between them was keeping her frozen in place. Several long minutes passed before she finally took a deep breath and knocked. Not a moment later, the door swung open, revealing a very exhausted and unimpressed looking Clarke and Lexa felt her breath catch in her chest. Shit. They stood there for a moment, just staring at each other until, much to Lexa’s surprise, Clarke stepped aside so that she could enter.

“Oh, hell no.” Raven said as she jumped up off of the couch. “I am so not staying here for this,” she shook her head and grabbed her keys and walked out.

As the door clicked shut behind her, Lexa felt her heart rate increase. “Clarke, I’m so sorry about what I sai…”  
Clarke raised her hand and shook her head.  
Lexa waited and bit her lip, just watching her.

Fuck. It was obvious that she was upset, but apparently she hadn’t yet found the words that she wanted. Taking a deep breath, Lexa braced herself as she prepared for the worst.

“I want to be very clear, right now,” Clarke finally said, her eyes looking very stern. “People always knew about you and I, but I would have never let anyone refer to you as my fuck buddy and I will be damned before I let you do it to Niylah. She’s my friend, Lexa.”  
“I know and I’m sorry,” Lexa responded quickly. “I don’t even know where that came from. I just…I was angry and it just – came out.”  
Clarke shook her head slightly and walked to the other side of the room. “You can be a real asshole, when you want to be,” she told her. “That was harsh – even for you.”  
Lexa nodded. It was true. The way that she had behaved was completely out of character for her. “I told you that I didn’t want to talk to you. I knew that I was angry,” she tried to explain. “But you pushed…”  
“Don’t even,” Clarke cut her off quickly. “I initially pushed, out of concern. I had Echo cut you off, because you were already drunk.”  
“And then you followed me,” Lexa pointed out.  
“What did you expect?” Clarke responded quickly. “I get there and you’re all pissed off at me and you wouldn’t even tell me why. So yeah, I followed you and I might have pushed first, but you pushed too. I tried to leave before it got ugly. I didn’t want to fight with you. I tried to walk away. You are the one who kept going.”  
“I know,” Lexa nodded. “I was out of control and I absolutely admit that. I never should have said the things that I said.”  
“You think?” Clarke questioned sarcastically.  
Lexa felt her face flushing. Yeah, she did. She definitely did.  
“How’s your face feel?” Clarke asked, popping her eyebrow slightly.  
“Hurts,” Lexa replied simply.  
“I’m sure,” Clarke nodded. “I remember Anya’s hook all too well. Though, I have to admit, I was pretty shocked when she hit you.”  
“You know, I thought that it was you when I woke up,” Lexa told her as her hand went up to her face.  
Clarke’s eyebrows raised in obvious surprise. “You thought that I hit you?”  
Lexa nodded quickly. “I did.”  
Clarke stared at her with a weighted expression. “I wouldn’t do that,” she said and shook her head. “No matter how much of an asshole you were being.”  
“About the picture,” Lexa started, careful to use the word the instead of my because they already had enough to fight about, but then stopped, unable to find the right words.  
Clarke crossed her arms and visibly bit the inside of her cheek. “I won’t discuss that picture with you, Lexa,” she said rather evenly. “I can’t.”  
Lexa felt her brow furrow slightly as her eyes narrowed. Can’t. That was different. For a second, Anya’s words echoed in her mind and somehow, she found herself nodding. “What happens now?”  
“Now, I get to be annoyed with you,” Clarke responded as though it should have been obvious. “And if you’re going to hang out, you just need to deal with that.”  
Lexa felt her eyebrows shoot up. Wait. Hanging out was an option?  
“You were drunk and you were a complete ass,” Clarke told her firmly as she walked closer, coming to a stop barely a foot away, “but I think that we both know that I’ve been there too.”  
Lexa stared at her. It was true. “Does that mean that you forgive me?” She questioned carefully.  
“Don’t push it,” Clarke shook her head and pulled her into a hug.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. So, after reading all of the comments - damn. Opinions all over the board.  
> Just to be clear though, Anya is not a generally violent. My reasoning for it being her, is pretty simple. 
> 
> They're sisters.
> 
> I have three siblings and a low tolerance for bad manners and behavior. While I may not necessarily approve of violence, if I ever behaved the way that Lexa did - drunk or sober, I would hope that one on them to knock me on my ass.


	63. Chapter 63

Clarke sat at her kitchen table going over some bills and sipping on her fifth cup of coffee of the day. It had been about an hour since Lexa had left and while her visit had been short and filled with some obvious tension for obvious reasons, it hadn't necessarily been unpleasant, even though Lexa was clearly hungover and mildly stressed. Releasing a slight sigh, Clarke shifted in her seat trying, and failing, to focus. Her head was too full – just way too fucking full. Shit. Just, shit. 

Okay. It could definitely go without saying that she had been completely caught off guard by the things that Lexa had said to her the night before, mostly because, well really, it was all just – so unlike her. Granted, Lexa could totally be harsh when she wanted to, but that - that was different. However, what Clarke had said her had been true and they both knew it. She had been there. Drunk, angry and completely out of control and with the knowledge of the things that she had said to Lexa still very fresh in her mind, she just couldn’t bring herself to hold it against her when she herself was guilty of it too and far worse even. Besides, they were both human and truth be told - knowing Lexa, she was probably chastising herself enough for the both of them.

She hadn’t wanted to fight with Lexa, that much was true. She hadn't - not at all. Genuine concern had been the initial reason that she had pushed to find out what had happened and if she had realized how bad it really was – maybe she wouldn’t have. Maybe. Though in hindsight, she probably should have picked up on the fact that whatever was wrong had something to do with her when Lexa first told her to go away - that should have been a hint, but with the way that things had been going between them, she just didn’t see how it could have had anything to do with her and by the time she realized that it did, well, it was just too late. Then Lexa walked away and though her better judgment should have told her to leave it be, especially being that Lexa was drunk, that was quickly outweighed by her need to know what she could have possibly done to anger her so. Stupid needs anyway…

Clarke leaned back in her chair and stretched her arms above her head with a yawn. God, was she tired.

The part about Niylah had stung her though. That part had to be addressed. It just had to be. Niylah was her friend. Granted, it was true, after Lexa’s came back, she did sleep with her twice in a short period of time, but on the bigger scale of things, their relationship hadn’t been like that – it hadn’t been about that. Did it happen? Yes, it did. Was she ashamed of that? No, she wasn’t. The point, was while her relationship with Niylah had never been at all romantic, it wasn’t simply about fucking either and she would have thought that Lexa, of all people, would have an understanding about that. Thinking back, she could still remember the time that Octavia had referred to her and Lexa as bed buddies and she didn’t appreciate that either because that’s wasn’t what they were, they were more than that and she knew – knows, that Lexa would have never wanted someone to refer to her as a fuck buddy, so it just seemed completely unfair for her to do it to Niylah. They were friends. 

The sketch. Ugh. God. Fuck.

Clarke got to her feet and walked down the hallway, coming to a stop in front of the clock that now hung where the sketch once did and crossing her arms. She stared at it for a long moment before reaching up and grazing her fingers along the crack that ran down the center as she let her mind go a bit. 

She still remembered the night that she had hung it there, with words still fresh in her mind and a silent admission heavy in her heart. She would be lying if she said that she wasn’t honestly relieved when Lexa had nodded in what appeared to finally be acceptance over her unwillingness to talk about it. She knew why Lexa wanted to know where it was - really, she did. Just like for her, to Lexa it was more than just a picture. It always had been. It was more like a marker of sorts. Something that captured a moment that on some cosmic level changed everything between them. She got it, she really did and she wasn’t trying to punish Lexa, but she just couldn’t go there. She wasn't ready. Shaking her head slightly, she turned and went back to her bills. Nope. She just wasn’t there. Not yet.

Exiting the hallway, Clarke found herself suddenly startled as the front door abruptly popped open. Fuck, she was way too on edge.

“All clear?” Raven questioned as she stuck her head inside rather dramatically.  
Clarke sighed and rolled her eyes slightly. This girl. “She’s gone, Rae,” she told her as she returned to the table.  
Raven stepped inside and closed the door behind her, glancing around curiously.  
“What are you looking for?” Clarke questioned her as she began to stack some papers together.  
“Just don’t want to step in any Commander blood,” Raven answered jokingly.  
“Oh stop,” Clarke scolded her quickly. Damn it. “It’s bad enough that Lexa actually thought that I was the one who hit her.”  
“Well, she was drunk and Anya basically knocked her out cold right in the middle of a fight between the two of you,” Raven shrugged.  
“So not the point,” Clarke shook her head. It wasn't. It wasn't at all. “I mean, Lexa and I have had some pretty bad fights…”  
“Scary fights is more like it,” Raven interjected quickly.  
“Regardless,” Clarke said firmly. “I know that everyone has joked about me killing her, but still, I’d never hit her, Rae - not like that. I’d never let it go there – we, would never let it go there.”  
“Hey, I know that,” Raven replied rather softly. “Everyone knows that.”  
“Lexa apparently doesn’t,” Clarke shook her head again, feeling a bit of sadness push in on her.  
“I’m sure that that’s not true,” Raven told her as she walked over to the counter and picked up her phone. “Think about the circumstances, Clarke. She was drunk, chasing after you and running her mouth. She was looking for a fight and when you finally spun around to fight back, Anya hit her, so really, Lexa assuming it might have been you kind of makes sense.”  
“I still don’t like it,” Clarke responded quietly with a slight pout before looking back down at her bills.

It was true. She didn’t like the thought that Lexa believed that she would actually hit her, which is exactly why she made it a point to tell her that she wouldn’t. She needed her to know that and not only to know it, but to believe it - really believe it. Granted, yes – they had some pretty intense fights over the years and when they wanted to, they could both cut pretty deep with their words, but their fights were never violent - never. 

Anya hit Lexa. That had been a shock a major shock and not just to her, but to everyone. She was sure that Anya had her reasons, but she didn’t ask and Anya didn’t say. Whatever it was – that was between them. Though oddly enough, her initial instinct was to go off on Anya, she reeled it back in - she had to. While it was true, they all considered each other family – Anya and Lexa were actually family by blood, just like Bellamy and Octavia and that made it different. They had their own way of doing things everyone respected it.

Hearing a slight humming sound, Clarke began to push around the papers in front of her hunting for her phone.

***New Event Created***

Reyes: Yeah, yeah I know I’m a little late, but - - who’s in next weekend???  
BabyBlake: You are late. I’m in.  
JasperJ: Me!  
Reyes: Left my phone behind when I ran for the hills.  
BabyBlake: ?  
Reyes: CCH.  
BabyBlake: Oh. How fun.  
Reyes: Seems fine.  
BabyBlake: Good to hear.  
BigBlake: I’ll be there.  
BabyBlake: Sweet!  
Reyes: Two in a row – impressive, Blake.  
BigBlake: Thank you. :)  
MontyG: I’m in. RoP?  
Reyes: Tequila.  
BabyBlake: Nice!  
JasperJ: Yeah!

Clarke rolled her eyes and shook her head, trying to suppress a slight whine. Come on. “Seriously, Rae?”  
“What?” Raven shrugged at her. “I like it, and you do too – don’t even lie.”  
Clarke just stared at her. It wasn’t really a matter or her liking it or not liking it, but rather the effect that it sometimes had on her more than anything else and unfortunately, Raven knew that.  
“Aw,” Raven cooed playfully. “Are you afraid that you won’t be able to keep it in your pants?”  
“Shut up,” Clarke huffed at her and shook her head. Of course she’d keep it in her pants.

Princess: In.  
BabyBlake: Obviously.  
Princess: Hush.  
Linc: Can’t.  
BabyBlake: ??  
Linc: I’m out of town next weekend, remember?  
BabyBlake: Shit. Nope, I didn’t.  
JasperJ: Bummer.  
A: I’ll consider it.  
Reyes: You wouldn’t miss it.  
A: If you don’t behave, I might.  
BabyBlake: Ha!  
Reyes: Boo.  
Reyes: Blakes, food?  
BigBlake: Sure. No problem.  
BabyBlake: Yep!  
Reyes: That only leaves you, Commander!

Clarke stared down at her phone, nervously anticipating what Lexa’s response would be. All things considered, Lexa was known for withdrawing whenever she did something that, to her, qualified as losing control and last night, definitely qualified as one of those times. Lexa had lost her composure or rather, blown her top and to make matters worse, it had happened in front of everyone. If that wasn't enough to make Lexa take off, Clarke didn't know what would be. As the minutes ticked by, she began to tap her pen against the table, silently hoping that Lexa wasn’t going to retreat into solitude. While yes, that had always been her way, the truth was, she just really didn’t want her to disappear. Things had been going so well, and to have her just disappear now...

Commander: Yeah.  
Commander: I’ll be there.  
Reyes: Nice!

Yes.

Pushing her phone off to the side, Clarke released the breath that she hadn’t really noticed that she’d be holding and felt some of her tension slip away with it. Okay. Good. That was a good sign. Releasing another sigh, she pushed the stack of paperwork aside and got to her feet to head to her room. It was still technically early, but honestly, she was just done and she really needed to just get some real rest and let her head clear out. Though she knew that for the most part, this one was over, she also knew that eventually something else would most likely follow.

After all, it always did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And I think that right there, is why I need a vacation or at the very least - a nap.


	64. Chapter 64

Lexa closed her laptop and leaned back in her chair, tapping her pin against the arm as she tossed her glasses on the desk. It had been four days since her drunken rant, and though she and Clarke had been texting, they hadn’t actually seen each other since she had gone over there the following morning to apologize. She wasn’t ignoring Clarke – she wasn’t, not at all. It wasn’t like that. It was just – she just needed sometime to clear her head and come to terms with her rude behavior. Keeping her composure and maintaining control of her temper – these were things that in all honesty, very important to her and the fact that she had blown them both all in one night, well – that was just a little hard to swallow. 

Ghosting her fingers across her cheekbone, her thoughts went to Anya. She didn’t blame her for hitting her, really she didn’t. Truth be told, she was kind of grateful that she did it because honestly, the thought of what else she might have said or done in that moment was a little scary. It had been building – that was the conclusion that she finally came to and really, it made sense. Early on, she had adopted a position to not push Clarke too much – which had been a conscious decision, however in doing so, she also ended up suppressing more than she even realized until finally – boom.

She was embarrassed, there was no denying that. Granted, it was true, with as close as their group had always been, all of them knew so much and had seen so much over the years that it was hard to believe that anything could really embarrass any of them but still, for Lexa – it did. Oh, she had gone off before, sure. Been nasty – definitely, but never, quite like that. And regardless of how chaotic her fight with Clarke may get – she had never spoken to her in such a way before. Hell, she was pretty sure that she had never spoken to anyone in such a way before. And deep down, she knew – she knew that those words did not stem from her anger over the picture. Nope. Not quite. As much as she would have liked to claim that they did. They did not.

Those words were born of something very simple. Plain old fashioned jealousy that was entirely her own fucking fault. It wasn’t about the fact that while she was opting for abstinence, Clarke was getting laid. That was just stupid. She didn’t fault Clarke for living her life. No. This ran deeper and it wasn’t even necessarily about the physical aspect of sex or even Niylah for that matter – she would feel this way regardless of who it had been because it was about someone – anyone being that close to Clarke and knowing that it could have been her. They could have been together. Clarke could have been hers. She could have been, but she wasn’t and again – it was entirely her own fucking fault.

Clarke: How was your day?  
Lexa: Eh, kind of long. Just getting ready to call it quits.  
Lexa: Yours?

After few minutes went by without a reply, Lexa got to her feet and slipped into her blazer, clicking off her lamp and exiting her office. She had worked a little later than she had originally planned and glancing down the hallway, taking in the many slivers of light coming from other offices, she guessed that she wasn’t the only one. Turning on her heel and heading in the other direction, her thoughts stayed with Clarke. 

It was true, they had made a lot of progress since she had first come back – a lot and even more in the last couple of weeks, but honestly – it still didn’t feel like enough. She still wanted more, and though Clarke had appeared to give her a pass on getting drunk and acting like an ass because – she got it, she couldn’t deny the tiny little twinge of fear in her heart at the thought that she may have just fucked it up all over again. Granted, the more logical part of her mind told her that – given everything, it would clearly have to take more than that to destroy the progress that they have made, but still, the fear burned and somewhere inside, she wondered if it always would. Not the fear of losing progress, but the fear of losing Clarke.

As she exited the building, her mind echoed the words that she had said to Clarke and she couldn’t even help but cringe. She shouldn’t have called Niylah Clarke’s fuck buddy, all things considered – especially given their own history, it was completely ignorant of her. However, beyond that one, she really, really, shouldn’t have insinuated that the sole reason that Clarke had even slept with Niylah was so that she could look at the picture of her while she... God, what the fuck was she even thinking?! So rude.

Getting into her car, Lexa slid the key into the ignition and quickly turned it over. The picture. Fuck. Okay, yes, it was true that she wanted to know where it was – she really did, but there was something in the way that Clarke uttered the words; I can’t, that had finally stuck something in her. She actually felt those words – they resonated with her. When Clarke had said them, her voice had come out almost strangled, it was pained as though those two simple words had been forced out against her will and honestly, Lexa believed her. Maybe Anya had been right. Maybe Clarke hadn’t simply sold the picture just to sell it. Maybe there was something deeper there – something that perhaps Clarke, herself, wasn’t quite ready to deal with, and maybe – just maybe, she didn’t need to know what that was. At least, not yet. 

Pulling into a parking spot, Lexa switched off her car and got out with a slight grunt she pulled out her phone, finding that there was still no reply from Clarke. Shaking her head she tucked her phone back into her pocket and made her way across the street and into her building. On the elevator ride up to her floor though, she again found herself pulling out her phone and starting to compose a text to Clarke. It had been four days, but honestly, the best part of those four days had been in the briefness of her and Clarke exchanging messages and really, she just missed her. The elevator came to a stop and as the doors slipped open Lexa exited, still typing on her phone. Nearing her door and just as she was about to hit send, she finally glanced up and froze when green met blue.

“Clarke?” Lexa’s mouth gaped a bit.  
“Hi,” Clarke gave her a warm smile.  
“What are you doing here?” Lexa questioned as she quickly tucked her phone into her pocket.  
“I brought you dinner,” Clarke answered as she held up a bag. “Well, I brought us dinner.”  
Lexa just stared at her, her mind having suddenly gone blank because – really?  
“You said that your day had been kind of long, so I figured that you probably wouldn’t want to cook and then I thought that you just wouldn’t eat and I didn’t want you to not eat and,” Clarke stopped rambling for a second and bit her lip. “I missed you.”  
Lexa felt a light smile pull at her lips. “But, I was a dick to you,” she replied rather thoughtlessly – regardless of the fact that it was true.  
“I’ve been a dick to you,” Clarke shrugged slightly. “Doesn’t change the fact.”  
Lexa took out her keys and moved to unlock the door. “Please,” she said, motioning her inside.

The pair entered the apartment and Clarke instantly walked toward the table and set down the bag, “Still no couch, huh?”  
“No time,” Lexa shook her head and slipped out of her blazer and began walking toward the kitchen to retrieve some utensils and plates.  
“I think you forgot something,” Clarke said as she gently grabbed her by the elbow.  
Lexa paused and blinked rather foolishly before…Oh. “Hi,” she said and then inched forward, dropping a light kiss to her cheek.  
Clarke grinned lightly and shook her head. “Lexa,” she sighed before slipping her fingers into the brown waves at the base of her neck and pressing their lips together.  
Lexa inhaled sharply as she pressed into the kiss, feeling all of her nerve endings tingle because - damn.  
Clarke pulled back only a few seconds later, taking a deep breath herself and giving her head a slight shake before turning her attention to the food.

As they ate, neither spoke about what had happened the night of the showcase. Nope. Instead they talked about work, nonsense in general and their upcoming weekend, deciding that, since it was actually at Clarke’s, it would probably be easier to not have their normal Fridays night game night that was still a game night, but less like a game night than it had been. Once the food was gone, Lexa leaned back in her chair and stretched before rubbing her eyes. This had been nice – really nice. Comfortable and easy and though she hated to ruin it…

“I was jealous,” Lexa admitted and held her breath.  
Clarke looked up at her, her eyes still warm. “I know,” she replied softly.  
“Did I…” Lexa paused and swallowed hard. Considering that Clarke had kissed her, she knew that it was a stupid question, but she had to ask it. She had to hear her say it. She had to know.  
“What?” Clarke questioned her.  
Lexa took a deep breath. She had to know. “Did I ruin us again?”  
Clarke’s brow knitted slightly as she looked at her with searching eyes before getting to her feet and rounding the table.  
Lexa looked up at her and braced herself – both frightened of and ready for whatever the response might be.  
In one quick movement, Clarke moved forward and straddled her lap, cupping her face in her hand.  
Lexa breath caught in her chest and her ability to speak took a swan dive off of the balcony.  
“Is this okay?” Clarke questioned as she thumbed her cheek gently.  
Lexa nodded, feeling her brow furrow instantly.  
“Lexa, I don’t want you to think like that,” Clarke told her firmly, not breaking her gaze.  
Lexa felt her heart shudder in her chest as she brought her hands to rest carefully on Clarke’s hips. It was so hard not to think like that.  
“You’ve been an ass. I’ve been an ass. But neither of us should have to walk around worrying that one fuck up is going to fuck us up.” Clarke continued quickly. “I know that I should be angrier than I am, but I’m not and I can’t help that. We had a fight – that’s what couples do. They figh…” she stopped, her eyes widening slightly.  
Lexa blinked and stared at her, feeling her jaw slip. Couples?  
Clarke broke her gaze, clearly trying to stifle the blush that was quickly darkening in her cheeks.  
“Is that what we are?” Lexa dared, feeling her heart pound in her chest. It had only been a couple of weeks since they had specifically talked what this was, but - what?  
Clarke bit her lip and appeared to mentally chastise herself. “I thought that it was kind of implied,” she answered, still not looking at her.  
Lexa couldn’t think. Fuck think – she could barely breathe. Her heart felt like it was about to burst.  
“I mean, I know we didn’t want to specifically define it or anything, but in the last few weeks it seemed like we basically were,” Clarke shrugged slightly, finally looking at her, “and we both said that we didn’t want to be with anyone else and…”

Lexa pressed forward, capturing her rambling lips in a searing kiss that caused Clarke’s hips to roll forward as she fisted her dark locks and whined slightly. Lexa brought her arms up, gripping at her back and pulling her close, wanting – needing to feel her closer. She felt Clarke’s teeth graze her bottom lip and opened up for her, shivering at the sensation that ripped through her body the second that the tips of their tongues barely brushed and indulging in the intoxicating taste of her. Turning her head slightly, Lexa tangled one of her hands in Clarke’s hair and deepened the kiss for a suspended moment before finally inching back and pressing their foreheads together, grounding them both as they each tried to steady their breathing.

Lexa shook her head lightly. They had to stop – they just, had to.  
Clarke smiled adoringly at her and tucked a now loose strand of hair behind her ear. “I know,” she told her softly. “We can’t.”  
“We can’t,” Lexa agreed with a slight nod. But God - did she want to.  
“Besides - you still don’t have a couch,” Clarke tone switched seamlessly from soft to playful. “I’d bet my ass that you're still sleeping on that stupid air mattress.”  
Lexa chuckled and shook her head slightly before dropping it.

She was right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Right, right. I know. Still no sin.  
> Bad author, bad!


	65. Chapter 65

Clarke leaned against the counter watching Bellamy and Octavia move through her kitchen as though they owned it. Granted, in Octavia's opinion she still did, but still. She had offered to help them, twice in fact, but had been shot down both times because – banished. Ugh. Such bullshit, but hey – it also meant that there was way less that she needed to do to get ready for their weekend and considering that she was pretty much speckled from head to toe with paint from being at the gallery all day, them not needing her meant that she could probably go and take a well-earned shower.

“So, from what I hear, you let Lexa off pretty easy.” Bellamy said as he began to slice up some vegetables.  
“There was nothing to be let off of,” Clarke shook her head. “We’ve all been drunk and said some stupid and awful things.” Really awful things. Things that she didn’t want to even think about.  
“That’s true, I guess.” Bellamy shrugged simply. “Are you two like – finally official now or is it like it was before?”  
Clarke smiled lightly, feeling a little bit of warmth in her chest. “It’s nothing like it was before,” she shook her head. Nope. Not at all.  
“Meaning?” Bellamy questioned looking at her curiously.  
“Meaning that they still haven’t done the deed,” Raven’s voice joined the conversation, sounding almost pained.  
Bellamy’s eyebrows raised as a small grin stretched on his face. “Really?”  
Clarke rolled her eyes. These idiots. “Yes, really,” she replied. “Why is that so hard to believe?” And why was everyone so interested?  
Bellamy chuckled and shook his head, redirecting his attention back to the vegetables but remaining silent.  
Octavia bit her lip and raised her eyebrows in response.  
“What?” Clarke looked around at them, feeling totally confused. Seriously now.  
“Because you like to fuck, Clarke,” Raven supplied rather bluntly and okay, apparently someone had dipped into the tequila a little early. “And if we’re being totally honest here – you really like to fuck Lexa.”  
Clarke instantly felt her entire body flash with heat as a sensation slithered down her spine and coiled in the pit of her belly. Hm. 

Okay, so yeah, that might be true – totally true. She did enjoy sleeping with Lexa, a lot - maybe even too much, she always had. There was just something that happened when the two of them were together – something that never happened with anyone other than Lexa and though she could never quite explain it or even remotely put it into words – God, did she long for it. Truth be told, she craved her and had been for a long time – a really long fucking time. Granted, she knew why they were waiting, she did – she really did and she agreed that it was the right thing to do, but at the same time…

“Can we not talk about Clarke fucking my little sister, please?” Anya said as she emerged from the hallway. “I just ate.”  
“Anya?” Clarke spun on her heel, feeling her face completely flush with embarrassment. “When did you get here?”  
“A few minutes ago,” Anya answered with a slight grin, obviously enjoying the moment.  
“Oh, come on, Clarke,” Raven laughed fully, taking in her blush. “It’s not like it’s a big secret or anything.”  
“So definitely not the point,” Clarke responded as she reached under the counter, pulling out a small bucket and placing it off to the side.  
“What is that for?” Raven eyed her cautiously.  
“Just in case,” Clarke smirked and shot her a playful a glare. Mhm – that’s right, better keep it in mind.  
Raven raised her hands in a spirited surrender and took a step back.  
“I’m going to go take a shower and get ready,” Clarke said, keeping her eyes on Raven. “You, behave yourself.”  
“Who me?” Raven feigned shock and clutched her chest. “I always behave.”  
Clarke felt her eyebrows raise on reflex. Really?  
“You so do not,” Octavia laughed instantly and shook her head.  
“Don’t worry, I’ll keep an eye on her,” Anya assured her quickly.  
“Thank you,” Clarke smiled pleasantly at her before heading off. Now she really needed that shower.  
“You’re no fun!” Raven called after her.

An hour later, Clarke emerged from the hallway, freshly showered and ready for their evening to start. She paused for a moment and watched as Octavia crossed the room carrying a tray with several small bottles on it and setting it on the table near the door. Okay. Here we go.

“Ready?” Octavia questioned with a grin as she approached and tossed one of the bottles to her.  
“Mhm,” Clarke nodded, taking the bottle and twisting the top.  
“Hey, where’s mine?” Raven suddenly appeared, looking exceptionally offended.  
“Right here,” Octavia smirked and held it out to her.  
“I thought that you forgot me,” Raven grinned as she happily accepted the bottle.  
“Yeah, as if that could ever happen,” Octavia rolled her eyes and laughed. “Alright bitches, bottoms up.”  
Clarke tipped the liquid into her mouth and held it there for a second before letting it slowly – slowly make its way down her throat. So fucking good. Releasing a small sigh, she smiled and recapped the, now empty, bottle with a slight pout.  
“Good luck keeping it in your pants, Griff,” Raven tipped the bottle toward her and winked before taking her shot.  
“I’m sure that I’ll be just fine,” Clarke shook her head, then turned as the front door opened.

Instantly her lips stretched into a smile as her eyes fell on Lexa who, as always, was dressed in a dark tailored suit that perfectly formed to her body. Taking a deep breath, she felt her eyes rake over her, pausing for a moment when she found a bit of exposed skin due to several of the buttons on her shirt that undone, she swallowed hard. Damn. Just – damn.

“Sure you will,” Raven smirked as she and Octavia began to giggle quietly.  
Clarke gave her a quick nudge and shook her head. Stop it!  
“Will what?” Lexa asked as she approached and dropped a kiss on her cheek.  
“Nothing,” Clarke insisted as she threw a light glare at Raven, before turning her attention back to Lexa. “Is that all that I get?”  
Lexa smiled lightly as her eyes dropped for a second, clearly landing on her lips. “No,” she said quietly before inching forward and pressing their lips together gently.

Floating. Yep, floating. That was the only way to describe it. Clarke smiled into the kiss, feeling herself getting lost in it. So fucking addictive.

“Okay, okay.” Raven’s voice abruptly filled her ears. “Break it up, you two,” she said as she held out a small bottle to Lexa.  
Lexa took the bottle and without missing a beat, tipped the liquid into her mouth, shivering faintly as she swallowed.  
Clarke stared and bit her lip. Yep. Far too tempting. Shaking her head slightly, she leaned forward, capturing Lexa’s lips again and biting lightly at her lower lip until she was granted the access that she needed. As her tongue dipped in, she became delightfully treated to the familiar taste of Lexa, now mingling with the lovely taste of tequila and she couldn’t help but quiver slightly because, again – just damn. It was going to be a long night.

Somehow, it wasn’t though – not really. Sure, she stole every chance that she could to sneak a kiss or cuddle up next to Lexa, but really, for the most part – for their group, it was a pretty quiet evening. Everyone broke off into smaller clusters the way that it normally did and just did what they do. It was toned way down, not too loud or too chaotic, but more mellow and relaxing. Just food, drinks – kicking back and spending quality time enjoying each other’s company. It was nice – simple. It was simply nice.

“Clarke,” Raven said as she came up behind them. “Where’s the air mattress that was in the hall closet?”  
“I loaned it to Lexa, remember?” Clarke looked up from where she was seated on Lexa’s lap, helping her beat Jasper and Anya in a round of cards. “She still doesn’t have a bed or much of anything else for that matter.”  
“Still?” Anya questioned quickly, looking up from her hand.  
Lexa shook her head and tossed a carrot slice into her mouth.  
“Why?” Anya questioned her again as she set her cards down. “Is it a money thing? Because you know that we…”  
“It’s not a money thing,” Lexa assured her quickly. “I just – haven’t had the time.”  
“Lexa, you can order it right online and they will literally bring it right to your door,” Raven shook her head.  
“I know,” Lexa shrugged a little. “But, you can’t tell if something is comfortable or not by looking at a picture of it,” she explained. “I don’t want to waste money on something that might turn out to be shit.”  
“Fair enough,” Anya nodded, picking her cards up again.  
“Well, regardless, you might want to get on that,” Raven told her quickly. “You’re up next month.”  
“I am?” Lexa’s eyes widened slightly.  
“Uh, yeah.” Raven nodded. “You’ve had plenty of time to furnish your place and we’re still waiting to christen it,” she added, grinning at Jasper.  
“Yeah, we are,” Jasper chuckled into his drink.  
Clarke sighed and shook her head a little. Feeling Lexa tense slightly, she brought her hand up and rubbed soothingly at her jaw. ‘It’ll be fine,” she assured her. “You still have a whole month.”  
“I think that maybe I just kind of suck at this stuff,” Lexa sighed and shook her head, frowning lightly.  
“Please, squirt,” Anya said with a small laugh. “You don’t suck at it. Everyone knows that you have great taste. You literally picked out ninety percent of the furniture in my apartment.”  
“Still,” Lexa shrugged again, focusing on her cards.  
Clarke eyed her curiously. It seemed odd, but it was almost like she was uncomfortable about picking out furniture.  
“Hey – we could help you? We could all go shopping together,” Octavia said suddenly. “We’ll make a day to it. We can go out to that huge place on Rt. 29 – they seriously have everything there.”  
Clarke couldn’t help but chuckle seeing Lexa’s eyes widen at the words. “We could,” she shrugged simply. “If you want the help.”  
“Yeah, I’d go.” Jasper chimed in. “I totally need a new coffeemaker.”  
“I’ve been thinking about updating my kitchen set,” Monty added with a simple nod. “I’d go.”  
Clarke smiled and looked around at them all before bringing her gaze back to Lexa. “Your call,” she told her with a shrug as she picked up her drink and took a large sip.  
“Alright,” Lexa nodded after a moment. “That would be great.”

A few hours later, the evening was pretty much breaking up with everyone basically going their own way. Anya and Raven had retreated to Raven’s room a while ago. Octavia and Bellamy were sitting on the couch just quietly chatting, while Monty sat on the floor scrolling through his phone with Jasper snoring lightly beside him. Clarke took it all in, before smiling to herself and walking off to the kitchen where she found Lexa rinsing out some empty bottles in the sink.

“Are you sleeping with me tonight?” Clarke questioned as she came up behind her and wrapped her arms around her waist.  
“I was kind of hoping that you wouldn't make me sleep in the living room,” Lexa responded as she emptied out the last bottle.  
“I should,” Clarke nodded against her shoulder. “After all, you did get me banished from my own kitchen.”  
Lexa chuckled and turned off the water. “You’re never going to let that go, are you?”  
“Nope,” Clarke answered simply as she shook her head. “However, I’d still rather you sleep with me.”  
Lexa turned in her grasp and gave her a playfully look.  
“Just sleeping,” Clarke clarified quickly as she gave her a poke in the rubs. Definitely just sleeping. Anything more and they’d never hear the end of it – especially from Raven.  
Lexa laughed lightly and pulled her closer, nuzzling into her neck and breathing her in.  
Clarke sighed and allowed her eyes to close as she tipped her head slightly, feeling her body tingle as Lexa’s lips brushed against her neck.  
“A little making out wouldn’t hurt though,” she added, her voice dropping to just above a whisper.  
Lexa shifted slightly, dragging her lips along her skin of her neck, until they came to a rest right below her ear. “Is that you or the tequila talking?”  
“Me,” Clarke breathed her response, feeling completely confident in her answer and not at all hazed by the alcohol in her system.  
Lexa pressed a her lips firmer against her skin and inched back before tilting up to bring their lips together.

Again, Clarke found herself smiling into a kiss that was somehow blistering and gentle all at the same time. As she brought her hand up to tangle in Lexa’s hair she found herself reminded of why she could just kiss her for hours. Lexa's lips were perfect – soft and full, and the way that they fit and moved against her own was just, it was just...

Clarke trembled slightly as she pulled back from the kiss, dropping her arms and taking one of Lexa’s hands in her own. “Bed,” she murmured as she tugged lightly, leading Lexa out of the kitchen, down the hallway and into her bedroom, quickly closing the door behind them.

Nope. A little making out wouldn't hurt at all – and God, did they have a lot of missed time to make up for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate tequila.


	66. Chapter 66

Lexa rolled over in bed, snaking her arm around Clarke’s waist and pulling her close as she smiled into her hair with the memories of the previous night flashing through her mind. Their little make out session at the end of the evening had been nice – very nice and it didn’t really matter to either of them that it didn’t lead into anything more. The pace that they had set for themselves was good – it was working for them, and really – that was all that mattered. Sure, there were some moments that were harder than others – that was pretty obvious, but where they were at was a comfortable place, a place where they could just spend time enjoying and even teasing each other. Though she had no doubt that when they were both finally ready to take that leap - they would, for now this was good. It was nice.

“Good morning,” Clarke suddenly yawned.  
Lexa smiled again and gave her a squeeze. “Good morning.”  
“I smell food,” Clarke sighed, pressing back against her.  
“Me too,” Lexa mumbled lightly. “Do you want some coffee?”  
Clarke turned in her arms, but didn’t open her eyes. “I’d love some.”  
“Alright,” Lexa said, dropping a light kiss on her forehead. “I’ll be back in a few.”  
“Okay,” Clarke muttered sleepily, but then tightened her grip.  
“Clarke?” Lexa chuckled lightly.  
“Hm?” Clarke hummed in response.  
“I can’t go and get you coffee if you don’t let go,” Lexa told her simply.  
“Fuck the coffee,” Clarke replied with a slight groan, still not opening her eyes as she scooted even closer. “Stay here with me.”  
“Okay,” Lexa smiled again as she tangled their legs together, and gently rubbed her back. “For a little while.” 

Thirty minutes later, after each making their separate trips to the bathroom, the pair emerged from the bedroom with their hands intertwined and clumsily made their way down the hallway and into the kitchen, where they found that everyone else was already awake and enjoying the breakfast that Bellamy and Octavia had prepared for them.

“Good morning, sleepyheads,” Octavia greeted them as she pulled to fresh mugs out of the cabinet and held them out.  
“Good morning,” Lexa nodded as she took the cups and walked over to the coffeemaker, chuckling as Clarke mumbled something incoherent and dropped into a chair.  
“So what time are we heading out?” Raven questioned as she came up next to her.  
Lexa turned and looked at her. “Sorry?”  
“Shopping,” Raven clarified quickly. “What time are we going?”  
Lexa only stared at her. 

Well, shit. She hadn’t realized when they talked about going shopping that they meant to do it today. Shit. 

Okay. It wasn’t that she had been putting it off – it wasn’t. It was just – yeah, okay, she had totally been putting it off and she couldn’t even help it. It wasn’t about the money, that much had been true, she had set aside plenty of money to furnish her apartment and granted, it was true - she didn't particularly like to shop, but she couldn't really blame it on that either. No. None of those reasons really worked at all. It shouldn’t have been a big deal. It shouldn’t have, but it was. There was just something about the idea of actually purchasing furniture for herself that somehow seemed, scary and honestly, she didn’t understand why. 

Feeling her chest tighten slightly, Lexa simply shrugged and turned her attention back to the coffeemaker. It was ridiculous and she knew it, but still, she couldn’t help it.

Crossing the room, she set a cup of coffee in front of Clarke who quickly thanked her and took a very large sip.  
“We can go after breakfast,” Anya suggested as she approached with two plates, setting one on the table in front of Clarke and holding the other one out to her.  
Lexa accepted the plate and dropped down into a chair. “Whatever you guys want,” she answered with a small shrug, and started eating.  
“Are you okay?” Clarke questioned as she leaned in closer with her brow furrowed.  
Lexa simply nodded, not really wanting to get into it or admit how little it made her feel. Shit.

It would be fine. It would be. She would just go, pick out some stuff and be done with it. Fine. Simple. No big deal.

An hour and a half later though, when Lexa crossed the threshold into the store, it instantly became a big deal. The place was absolutely enormous and packed – just packed with way more stuff than she could have anticipated and way more people too. Scanning the scene, she felt a herself break into a light sweat as her heart rate began to climb. Everything happening around her, combined with the stress that she was already feeling over shopping quickly became too much – way too much. Fuck. Just – fuck.

Taking a deep breath, her mind began to race as she stuffed her hand into her pocket and retrieved one of her pills, tossing it into her mouth and swallowing it down even without a second thought. She stood there for a moment, dropping her shoulder blades down and just trying to will her heart rate to slow all the while chastising herself because – pathetic. So fucking pathet… 

“Hey,” Clarke said as she slipped her hand into hers. “Are you okay?”  
Lexa looked at her, finding odd relief in the feeling of their joined hands, so she nodded in response.  
“Okay,” Clarke told her as she brushed her thumb across her knuckles. “Are you ready?”  
“Yes,” Lexa answered, intentionally shaking her head.  
“This isn’t easy for you,” Clarke looked at her with what appeared to be sympathy. “Is it?”  
Lexa shook her head. Shit. “Not really,” her voice came out small.  
“Well, we’ll go slow, okay?” Clarke offered. “If it starts to feel like too much, we can just take a break and go outside for a bit or just call it quits altogether.”  
“Okay.” Lexa nodded. Okay.

Forty five minutes in and Lexa was definitely feeling the pressure of it all. Aside from the crowd, Octavia had been right when she said that they literally had everything and honestly, it was a bit much. There was a lot to choose from and no decision seemed to be coming easy. So far, she had selected a dark wooden coffee table, with matching end tables, an entryway table to put near her door and two freestanding lamps. Now for a couch, or maybe chairs? Something.

“How about this?” Jasper question as he dropped down on to a bright orange lounge chair. “It’s pretty comfy.”  
Lexa felt her eyebrow raise on its own accord. Oh, hell no. “And totally ugly,” she responded simply.  
“How about this one then?” Octavia’s voice filled her ears.  
Lexa turned, her eyes instantly falling on a similar looking lounge chair, only this one in cheetah print. Not in this lifetime. “I’m just going to assume that you’re kidding,” she shook her head.  
“Why?” Octavia looked at the chair again. “What’s wrong with it?”  
“Everything,” Lexa shook her head. Not happening.  
“It’s not that bad,” Clarke chuckled beside her, shaking her head.  
“Yes, it is.” Lexa countered quickly as she redirected her attention further down the row. “See, that’s better,” she said before setting off toward a beige colored chair.  
“Eh, that’s kind of plain,” Octavia noted with a shrug as she came up behind her.  
“Which makes it perfect,” Lexa responded as she dropped down into it. Pretty damn comfortable too.  
“Hey Lexa?” Raven called after her.  
Lexa got to her feet and eyed the rows until she found Raven, settled in an oversized chair that honestly looked like it belonged on a spaceship. “Absolutely not,” she shook her head immediately.  
“But, it’s awesome.” Raven argued playfully.  
“It’s ridiculous,” Lexa corrected firmly as she and Octavia approached her.  
“No, it’s awesome,” Raven smiled, settling back into it further.  
“Then you buy it,” Lexa shook her head again.  
“I might just have to,” Raven responded with a nod.  
“Rae,” Octavia shook her head. “That thing probably costs more than my car.”  
“There’s no way,” Raven told her as she flipped over the tag, she paled slightly and then got to her feet. “You know what – I’m good.”  
Lexa and Octavia chuckled at the change and shook simply shook their heads.

In the end, Lexa selected a set of the beige colored chairs and paired them with a matching narrow couch that doubled as a pullout. Perfect. 

“Do you want some stuff for your walls?” Clarke questioned, pointing over an end cap to as they made their way over to the mattress section.  
Lexa looked at the mass-produced canvases and shook her head. “No,” she answered simply. “If I’m going to spend the money on art for my apartment, it’s going to be original work.”  
“Fair enough,” Clarke shrugged as she looped their arms together.

Turing the corner, Lexa came to an abrupt stop as she stared at what honestly looked like a field of mattresses. Well, fuck. This was going to take forever.

Mattress number one. Way too hard. Honestly, she probably would have been better off sleeping on the hardwood floors of her apartment instead of on that thing.  
Mattress number seven. Seriously soft, but really – too soft. It was similar to the air mattress after it had deflated a bit. 

Lexa groaned as they continued moving down the line. Yep. This was going to take forever. 

Mattress number fourteen. Now this one had potential. It seemed to be the perfect mix of both soft and firm. 

“You want to try it?” Lexa asked as she stood up from the mattress.  
Clarke shrugged and shook her head. “Your bed, your call,” she said simply.  
“True,” Lexa nodded. It was. “But, I anticipate you spending time in it as well, so.”  
“Oh, do you now?” Clarke grinned at her playfully.  
Uh – yeah. Hopefully. Lexa nodded.  
Clarke’s grin shifted into a smirk as she glanced around.  
Slightly confused, Lexa glanced around as well, but didn’t see anything other than the endless field of mattresses, in fact, they were actually alone. Shrugging a bit, she turned her attention back to Clarke, whose eyes twinkled devilishly.  
Clarke stepped forward, climbing onto the bed on her hands and knees, careful to keep her boots dangling off of the edge. Bowing her back slightly before straightening up, she raised herself up on her knees fully, bounced purposefully and glanced sinfully over her shoulder. “This could work,” she rasped out with a grin, popping her eyebrow.  
Lexa felt her jaw slip as her eyes widened because – God. She bit back a moan as her body flushed with heat. “Are you trying to kill me?”  
Clarke chuckled lightly. “Lexa,” she sighed as she slipped off of the bed. “Trust me, when that day comes,” she leaned in closer, “I absolutely have every intention of killing you,” she finished, pressing and open mouth kiss just below her ear.  
Lexa felt a smile pull at her lips as her cheeks warmed and her core pulsed. Damn. Just – damn.  
“So,” Clarke stepped back, still smiling. “What do you think?”  
“I think that I’m taking that home,” Lexa replied matter-of-factly as she pointed to the mattress. “And this,” she added as she wrapped her arm around Clarke and pulled her close.  
Clarke laughed rather loudly with a wide and bright smile that fully reached her eyes.  
Lexa smiled back at her, feeling a warmth blooming in her chest as she took in the sight. Hm. Maybe shopping wasn’t so bad after all.

“Lexa!” Raven’s voice suddenly echoed off the walls. “You need to come check this out! It’s so badass!”  
Lexa groaned and rolled her eyes toward the ceiling as Clarke chuckled in her ear.

On second thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shopping anyone?


	67. Chapter 67

Clarke sat on her couch folding laundry and listening to the news. A couple weeks had passed since their last family weekend and shopping adventure with Lexa and honesty, things were going insanely well. She and Lexa were at the point where they practically stole every moment that they could to spend time together and when they couldn’t they would at least try to end the day with a FaceTime call. That had been the case over the last few days as Lexa had again, been asked to take an assignment and of course, accepted it. Clarke didn’t mind – really, she didn’t. Granted, it was true that she missed her when she was gone – she missed her like fucking crazy, but somehow, it was okay.

“What are you doing?” Raven asked as she came bouncing into the room.  
“Laundry,” Clarke answered simply.  
Raven instantly turned on her heel and started to head in the opposite direction.  
“Nice try,” Clarke called after her. “Bring your ass back in here and help me - this is your crap too.”  
Raven gave a huff and stomped her feet in place before crossing the room and dropping down on the couch. “I hate laundry,” she muttered and grudgingly started matching socks.  
“Everyone hates laundry,” Clarke responded quickly.  
"Seriously, who does laundry on a Tuesday night?" Raven shook her head.  
"Someone who didn't have time to do it on Sunday or Monday," Clarke pointed out quickly.  
“Totally should have stayed in my room,” Raven grumbled at her.   
“You should have,” Clarke agreed simply.

The pair folded in silence for the next ten minutes or so, getting lost in the television or simply in their own thoughts.

“When does Lexa get back?” Raven questioned suddenly as she tossed aside another pair of socks and sank back into the couch.  
“Tomorrow night,” Clarke responded with a grunt as she struggled trying to fold what she had come to believe was a practical joke invented by the devil, also known as, a fitted sheet.   
“Are you two going to go out?” Raven questioned her again.  
Clarke shook her head. “No, she's getting in late” she told her. “Besides, we don’t really – go out.”  
“Why?” Raven looked at her curiously.  
“No real interest?” Clarke shrugged simply. True enough. “Like, Lexa has mentioned it – taking me out to dinner or whatever, but really, I just prefer to stay home and order in with her.”  
“You mean you prefer to keep her all to yourself,” Raven laughed and shook her head.  
“Yeah – that too,” Clarke laughed, finally giving up and tossing the sheet aside. Stupid fricken thing. “Though actually, she is making me dinner at her place on Friday night - so, kind of like a date,” she added, suddenly felt as though Raven were eyeing her.  
“Can I ask you something?” Raven asked after a beat as she propped herself up on the couch.  
“Mhm,” Clarke replied as she turned and looked at her. “What’s up?”  
“Why haven’t you and Lexa slept together?” Raven responded rather bluntly.  
“Raven,” Clarke groaned and rolled her eyes. Seriously?  
“No, I – come on, stop,” Raven shook her head. “Granted, I’m a pushy ass, but all jokes aside, I’m actually being serious here.”  
Clarke furrowed her brow in obvious skepticism.  
“Listen, I know you. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – you love having sex and you really love having sex with Lexa, but I remember the conversation that you and I had awhile back,” Raven explained carefully, “and I just – I’m wondering if you’re still worried.”  
“That it’s just a sex thing?” Clarke questioned, making sure that they were talking about the same thing.  
Raven nodded. “I’m only asking because I don’t want to see you mind-fucking yourself again.”  
Clarke felt a warm smile stretch on her face. Okay. She could appreciate that. “No,” she shook her head. “I’m not worried about that anymore.”  
“Then what is it?” Raven’s eyebrows raised slightly.  
Clarke took a breath and tried to find her words. “It’s been a long time, you know?”  
“For her? Uh – yeah!” Raven chuckled and shook her head. “Clarke, the girl hasn’t had sex in years. I’ve seen the way that you two tease each other and it’s a damn miracle that she hasn’t simply exploded by now.”  
Clarke couldn’t help but laugh as she leaned back into the couch. “Yeah,” she nodded. “We’re definitely having fun teasing each other. Trust me, she’s no angel either.”

It was totally true. While for the most part their make out session had been kept rather light, there were other moments – simple moments, where they found other ways to push the envelope and get under each other’s skin and honestly, though on one level it was absolutely killing her on another, it was actually a whole lot of fun. 

“Knowing her sister,” Raven chuckled beside her. "I have no doubt."  
“But, what I actually meant was that it’s been a long time – for us,” Clarke explained as she began to stack some of the folded laundry back into the basket.  
“So, wait – are you telling me that you, of all people, are nervous about having sex?” Raven's eyes showed obvious disbelief. “With Lexa no less?”  
“I am, but it’s not – like that,” Clarke shook her head. “I mean, sex has always been easy for Lexa and I – really easy,” she finished, ignoring the way that her body heated up at the very thought.  
“Yeah, I think everyone’s pretty well aware of that,” Raven laughed as shifted and pulled her leg up onto the couch. “So, what is it then?”  
“I think that we just want to make sure that we’re both ready,” Clarke tried to explain. “With our history and everything that’s happened between us. I think it’s important.”

However, if she was being completely honest, the facts were simple. She was already ready – more than ready, in fact, she was absolutely burning for the day where she could have Lexa's body pressed against her own again - flesh to flesh, in a way that they had been denied for far too fucking long or to have her spread out in front of her, ready and willing to be devoured. She had thought about it, she did, a lot – fuck, she even dreamt about it. She couldn't even help it anymore and there were moments where she was so sure that she was going to be the one who would eventually burst, but Lexa still seemed to need time and that was okay, really - it was. She wasn’t going to push her into doing anything that she wasn't ready for. She wasn't. She couldn't. Tease her, sure - but hell, they were both doing plenty of that.

“I can understand that,” Raven nodded. “Respect it, even.”  
“I just – I don’t want to fuck this up, Rae.” Clarke shook her head. Totally true. “I really don’t. So, going slow just seems better – smarter.”  
“Clarke,” Raven sighed and rolled her eyes slightly. “You and I both know how bat-shit crazy you can get, but do you see the way that she looks at you? I’m not sure that you could fuck this up even if you tried.”  
Clarke smiled lightly, feeling a slight pull in her chest. God, did she hope that was true.   
“But, I get what you’re saying,” Raven continued. “You two have been through a lot of shit together, so I guess taking your time does kind of make sense.”  
“It does and honestly, I think that when we’re both ready we’ll just,” Clarke shrugged simply, “know.”  
“And God help us all when that day comes,” Raven laughed and shook her head. “There probably won’t be a safe surface in this entire apartment.”   
Clarke looked at her and popped an eyebrow, grinning rather wickedly.  
Raven’s face dropped suddenly and she got to her feet. “I’m so buying a bigger lock for my bedroom door,” she huffed before walking off toward the kitchen.  
Clarke couldn’t suppress her laughter as she got too her feet and scooped up the laundry basket. Raven was really so easy to mess with sometimes.

Later that night, Clarke was laying in her bed just sketching and trying not to think too much about her conversation with Raven, more for the simple fact that thinking about it would make her think about having sex with Lexa and that, would make for a long and frustrating night. Suddenly her phone lit up on the nightstand and turning she smiled when Lexa’s picture appeared on the screen. Accepting the call, she propped her phone up and waited for it to connect, a moment later, the screen was filled with an image that she had gotten far too used to at this point. The ceiling.

“Getting dressed, huh?” Clarke shook her head and returned her attention to her sketch.  
“I am,” Lexa’s voice came through the speaker. “How was your day?”  
“Work and laundry,” Clarke responded with a slight groan, “So, all in all, pretty damn agonizing.”  
Lexa laughed somewhere on the other side of the screen.  
Clarke smiled at the sound and continued sketching. “How about your day?”  
“Awful,” Lexa answered without hesitation. “I swear, it is hot as hell here.”

There was a shuffling sound on the other end and Clarke turned just in time to see Lexa appear on the screen, sitting on the bed, wearing only a tank top and a pair of sleep shorts that were so short, they probably could have easily been mistaken for underwear. Fucking hell.

Clarke bit her lip and took a breath. “Are you trying to kill me now?”  
Lexa glanced at the camera and smirked. “No. I just told you it’s hot as hell here,” she answered rather smugly. “But now that you mention it – sure, we can totally consider this payback for your mattress stunt.”  
Clarke chuckled and shook her head. “That one was fun,” she admitted playfully.  
“And so is this,” Lexa continued to smirk as she got to her feet and sauntered to the other side of the room where she the proceeded to bend over and retrieve something from her bag.  
Clarke narrowed her eyes, feeling her body instantly flush with heat as she drew her lip back between her teeth again, her eyes raking over Lexa’s flawless form. This fucking woman. Fair enough. Well played even, however, if Lexa really wanted to play that game – she should really remember who it was that she was playing with. 

Tossing her sketchbook aside and adjusting the phone slightly, Clarke took her position, with one hand propped behind her head as the other trailed lazily along the top of her own tank top, she waited. This, was going to be fun.

A moment later, Lexa straightened up and walked back toward the bed, actually dropping down onto it before she finally glanced at the screen again and then freezing when she did. “Clarke?”  
Clarke grinned internally. “Hm?” She hummed, continuing to trail her shirt.  
Lexa swallowed visibly hard. “What are you doing?”  
“Nothing,” Clarke gave a throaty response and then bit her lip as she lowered her hand, lightly thumbing over her nipple before allowing it to drop completely out of sight.  
“Clarke,” Lexa’s eyes widened slightly as a very obvious sweat seemed to instantly break across her skin and her ears burned bright.  
“What?” Clarke knitted her brow and intentionally drew a sharp breath. She wasn’t doing anything, really – she wasn’t and she wasn't going to, but Lexa didn’t need to know that.

A beat of silence hung between them and Clarke closed her eyes, trying desperately not to break her composure and giggle. 

“You so don’t play fair,” Lexa voice came out rather strangled.  
Clarke opened her eyes and glanced back at the screen through heavy lashes. “You say that like it’s news,” she responded, letting her jaw slack a bit and arching her back just slightly for a visual effect.   
Lexa closed her eyes and bit down on her lip, appearing to stifle a moan.  
Clarke grinned shamelessly. Perfect. “Sweet dreams,” she whispered, before reaching up and quickly ending the call.

The moment the screen went black Clarke erupted in a fit of laughter. Okay. So yeah – it was a little mean and she knew that Lexa would most definitely make her pay for it, but damn it if it wasn’t totally worth it to see that smug little smirk slip right off of her face. Granted, the obvious downside was that now her conversation with Lexa was over and that sucked, but still. Suddenly her phone buzzed on the nightstand.

Lexa: That was just wrong.  
Clarke: Kind of like those shorts?  
Lexa: Touché.

Clarke set down her phone and smiled to herself. Yep, totally worth it.


	68. Chapter 68

Lexa sat at her desk rubbing her eyes and trying to stifle yet another yawn that seemed to be desperately trying to break her. Her flight had gotten in at some ungodly hour and though Nia had specifically told her that she didn’t have to come in – she had to. She simply had to. There was just still so much that she needed to do to wrap up the assignment that she had been working on for last week and she really - really just wanted to get it done and out of the way so that she could spend the weekend doing absolutely nothing except, hopefully, spending some much desired time with Clarke.

Clarke.

Lexa rubbed at the back her neck and leaned back in her chair, feeling a stupid little smile spread on her face. God – that woman was going to be the death of her, but it was a death that she was so willing to welcome. 

They had been playing quite an interesting game lately and really, the truth of the matter was, she was losing - and losing bad. Every time she found a way to get Clarke going, Clarke turned it around and brought it back on her tenfold. It was insane how easily she could do it and one would have thought that she would have just give up by now, but no, she still kept at it. It was safe and it was fun and honestly, it was also a good way for them to, in a sense, convey their desire for one another without actually crossing over into the territory. She had meant what she had said to Clarke about taking things slow – really, she absolutely did and she didn’t want to make any mistakes, but damn it, if it wasn’t becoming more and more difficult to resist the urges that were building up inside of her. She wanted Clarke – so fucking bad that her body literally ached for her, but still, there was that one fact that burned in the back on her mind, and that fact alone was enough to make her wait.

She had made Clarke feel used. 

It didn’t matter how it happened – really, it didn’t. Not at all. No. All that mattered was that it happened. It happened and she felt horrible about it. Granted, it was true, she had made mistakes and intentionally done some things that had directly and indirectly caused Clarke pain, but she had never – ever meant for her to end up feeling that way. She knew, all too well, what is felt like to not feel good enough, but the way that she had made Clarke feel – on such a level, however unintended, definitely must have added insult to the injury and she couldn’t even imagine how it must have torn her up inside. So, slow. Slow was better, because she didn’t want Clarke to have a single doubt lingering in her mind about what this really was. Not this time.

Feeling a familiar tightening beginning to take hold in her chest, Lexa shook her head and turned her attention back to her laptop. She couldn't change what happened - she couldn't and she knew that, but, she could make sure that it never happened again.

The next couple of hours were spent focusing on her assignment and getting everything wrapped up nice and neat so that she wouldn’t have a thing to worry about, at least workwise, until Monday. She had a three day weekend ahead of her and she really just wanted to take full advantage of it. Once she was finished and finally satisfied with her work, she sent it off to Nia and collected her things before clicking off her light and heading for the door with one destination in mind.

Thirty minutes later Lexa pulled up in front of the gallery and turned off her car. Grabbing a small box off of the passenger seat, she quickly got out and straightened her blazer before adjusting her hair. She had thought earlier about not stopping by to see Clarke and just waiting until tomorrow – she had, in part to kind of tease her a bit, but honestly, the thought evaporated in her head as quickly as it had formed because the simple truth was – she didn’t want to wait. They hadn’t physically seen each other in almost a week and really, she just missed her. 

Crossing the street, Lexa pushed through the gallery doors and glanced around, but Clarke was nowhere to be seen. As she moved into the gallery, her ears began to pick up on the faint sound of music and following it, she finally found Clarke in the backroom. She was standing with her back to the door and apparently very focused on whatever she was working on. Taking in the sight, a warmth began to spread through her chest and yeah - she had definitely missed her.

Smirking to herself, Lexa set the box down and walked forward, wasting little time before snaking her arms around Clarke’s waist and pulling her close.  
“Jesus!” Clarke jumped, clearly startled and turned her head, her eyes immediately lighting up when they found her. “Lexa,” she smiled widely and spun, pulling her into a hug.  
“Miss me?” Lexa questioned, smiling into her hair.  
“Mhm, I did,” Clarke replied with her head still buried. “I was wondering if I was going to see you before tomorrow - hoping that I would, really.”  
“If you wanted to see me, you could have just sent me a text,” Lexa told her as she moved her hands to rest lightly on her hips.  
Clarke leaned back and smoothed out her collar, but didn’t step out of her grip. “I didn’t want to bother you,” she explained with a slight shrug. “You said that you were getting in late.”  
Lexa smiled at her before brushing her hair aside and tucking it behind her ear. “You never bother me, Clarke,” she said earnestly and placed a light kiss on her forehead.  
“Hmm,” Clarke grinned at her. “I think that your aim is a little off.”  
Lexa nodded, feeling somewhat amused and dropped a kiss onto her cheek.  
“Nope,” Clarke shook her head, continuing to grin. “Still off.”  
Lexa chuckled lightly and inched down, finally giving in and connecting their lips.

The kiss was soft and easy, almost lazy in a sense – that was, until Clarke’s fingers tangled into the hair at the base of her skull and as if on reflex, Lexa felt her hands grip onto her hips, her thumbs brushing firmly against the bones. A whimper instantly broke from Clarke as she brought her other hand up, cupping her cheek and pushing harder into the kiss. Lexa pushed back, she couldn’t even help it and when she did, Clarke’s body backed into the low table behind her causing her to drop down onto it and Lexa to be pulled in between her thighs. Lexa tilted her head, simply elated when Clarke parted her lips and granted her access. The kiss was hot and deep, and though completely unintentional, so fucking sexy. 

Lexa felt a shiver slip down her spine and eased back, allowing the kiss shift from steamy to soft and then stopping it altogether. She inched back pressing her forehead to Clarke’s and took a steadying breath. Yep - totally going to be the death of her.  
“Was that payback for the other night?” Clarke asked as she thumbed gently across her jaw.  
Lexa felt a tug at the corner or her lips as an idea suddenly bloomed in her mind. “No,” she answered softly, shifting her head and bringing her mouth to Clarke’s pulse point, grazing it lightly and then biting down with purpose.  
Clarke’s body instantly went rigid with a sharp intake of breath, "Lexa," her hips jolted slightly and her hand shot down, grasping almost painfully at her forearm.  
Lexa let go barely a moment later and smiled to herself. “But, that was,” she told her rather smugly before stepping away.  
“You know, I might not play fair,” Clarke said slowly, her voice completely breathless,” but you – you play dirty.”  
Lexa turned and looked at her, the sight stealing her very breath. Clarke braced against the table, looking utterly flushed with her chest heaving and her neck bearing a mark of pure desire. She knew that it wouldn't stay - it hadn't been meant to, but that wasn't the point. Perfect. “I’ve picked up a few things,” she acknowledged, popping her eyebrows with a grin. “See you tomorrow?”  
“You will definitely see me tomorrow,” Clarke confirmed with a firm nod.  
“Great,” Lexa nodded and walked toward the door. “By the way,” she paused, tapping on the box she had placed there. “I brought you a snack.”  
Clarke smirked, raising an eyebrow slightly “Now Lexa,” she pushed away from the table and walked forward. “You and I both know that is not going to do a thing to satisfy my," she paused with something sinful sparkling in her eyes, "appetite,” she finished, her voice coming out low and laced with innuendos.  
Lexa felt her jaw slip as a flash of heat instantly surged through her body and a flood of arousal rushed between her legs. Playfully, she hung her head in defeat as the sound of Clarke’s wonderful giggling filled her ears. Damn it!

Point – Clarke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I know. It's a short one.  
> What can I say?  
> Yell at me.


	69. Chapter 69

Clarke stared into the mirror finishing up her makeup and giving her hair one last fluff before grabbing her phone and heading out toward the living room. She was set to have dinner over at Lexa’s tonight and while yes, it was just dinner, it really did kind of feel more like a date than a simple meal.

“Seriously Griffin,” Raven laughed as soon as she entered the room. “Are you aiming to kill the poor girl?”  
“What?” Clarke turned and look at her, feeling somewhat confused.  
Raven quickly motioned her hands up and down, clearly talking about her outfit.  
Clarke smiled and looked down at her attire. 

She had chosen a lightweight navy blue dress that was cut slightly low in the front and came to about her mid-thigh and she paired it with a simple pair of black heels. True, it might have been a little revealing, but really, that hadn’t been the reason why she chose it. No. Honestly, the real reason was far less impressive – she just wanted to look nice, for Lexa.

“I’m not trying to kill her, Rae,” Clarke shook her head and picked up her clutch. “I just wanted to wear something nice and besides – it’s hot out.” That was totally true too.  
“Uh huh,” Raven teased her playfully. “I’m sure that’s the reason.”  
Clarke rolled her eyes and grinned at her. “You’re impossible,” she told her as she walked toward the door.  
“Thank you,” Raven called after her. “I do so try!”  
“Love you!” Clarke called back as she left the apartment. 

After a short ride, thanks to the fact that she didn’t hit a single red light - awesome. Clarke parked her car and made her way into Lexa’s apartment building. Truth be told, she was glad that Lexa had finally gone through with purchasing some furniture and that now they would be able to spend the evening at her place. It wasn’t that she minded that they always spent time at her place – not at all, it was just nice to finally be able to spend some time at Lexa’s – in her space, so to speak.

As soon as the door opened, Clarke couldn’t help the smile that broke on her face as she took in the sight of Lexa. Her hair was pulled back in a simple, by somehow elegant ponytail and she was dressed in a light blue button down that she’d coupled with a pair of navy blue slacks and really – what were the chances? Great minds. “Hi,” her voice came out oddly coy.  
“Hi,” Lexa smiled back at her, her eyes wandering slightly before she seemed to break herself out of it.  
Clarke smirked internally at this and stepped into her space. “You look nice,” she said softly as she leaned in, placing a light kiss on to her lips.  
“You look beautiful,” Lexa smiled and then shook her head lightly. “Come inside,” she motioned her in. “Dinner is just about ready.”

Clarke stepped inside and glanced around. The place looked great – warm and welcoming with some familiar music that seemed to be playing everywhere and glancing over, she saw that the table was already set for a lovely candlelit dinner. Impressive. Lexa led her to the table and offered her a glass of wine, which she accepted and then watched as she walked back toward the stove and fiddled for a bit, before returning with their food.

“So, I’m thinking, dinner and then maybe we curl up on that fancy new couch of mine and watch a movie,” Lexa told her as she set a plate down in front of her.  
Clarke glanced over, finding a flat screen television mounted to the wall that somehow, she hadn't noticed and chuckled. “So, you did buy it.”  
“Well, Raven did say it was badass,” Lexa smiled and dropped down into her own seat.

The dish that Lexa had chosen to make for the evening was a simple pasta and chicken dish, but honestly, it was to die for. The moment the flavor hit Clarke’s taste buds, she couldn’t help but let out a low moan that had Lexa smiling in appreciation. Their meal went on, filled with lighthearted conversation and random outbursts of laughter. It was smooth – easy and really, just absolutely sweet. Later, as Clarke sat sipping her wine, she watched as Lexa packaged up their leftovers and bopped, but just barely, to the song that was currently playing and the sight made a curious question pop into her mind.

“Are your hips broken?” Clarke asked as she set her glass down.  
“Excuse me?” Lexa questioned glancing over her shoulder, raising an eyebrow at her.  
“Well,” Clarke shrugged simply. “I see you moving to the music, but it seems like all of your movements are restricted to your shoulders and your ankles – maybe a little in your knees. Are your hips broken?”  
“No, my hips are not broken,” Lexa answered with a shrug of her own. “I just don’t really dance – anymore.”  
“Since when?” Clarke questioned her, feeling slightly surprised by this. Lexa had always loved to dance.  
“Years,” Lexa answered in short as she picked up the containers and walked over to the refrigerator.  
Clarke shook her head as she got to her feet and walked over to the audio system, unplugging Lexa’s phone and plugging in her own. A moment later, a light, but spunky and playful tune filled the room and turning up the volume, she glanced to see Lexa looking at her in utter confusion. “Come here, you,” she said, crooking her finger with purpose.  
Lexa eyed her, almost playfully, but squared her shoulders slightly before walking forward.  
“Oh, hang on,” Clarke said, pointing down quickly. “Take those off.”  
“My shoes?” Lexa questioned her curiously.  
“Uh – yeah,” Clarke nodded, motioning to her own bare feet, having kicked her heels off sometime during dinner.  
Lexa gave a short nod and slipped out of her shoes, pushing them off to the side.  
Clarke smiled at her and reached out, taking her hand and placing it on her hip. “Relax," she said softly, resting her hand on Lexa's shoulder.  
Lexa smiled lightly and took her other hand, cupping it in her own. 

For what seemed like an extended moment, their eyes met and then, right in line with the beat, she finally began to move.

It didn’t take long, only mere seconds and Lexa seemed to find her footing as she swayed and tilted their bodies in damn near perfect sync with the music. Clarke tipped her head back in laugher as Lexa shuffled her feet around and gave her a rather impressive twirl. The dance was playful and yet graceful and really, just so much fun. They totally got into it and by the end both found themselves wearing ridiculous smiles and laughing openly at each other’s antics. 

Then however, the music shuffled and another song started. A song with a deeper rhythm and a certain pull to it and Clarke couldn’t help the challenging way that her eyebrow suddenly popped and Lexa, to her surprise seemed to accept her challenge, pulling her arm to lay lazily across her shoulder and dropping her now free hand, down on to her hip. The moment Lexa started to move, Clarke drew a breath and instantly knew that she was in trouble because – damn, those hips weren’t broken after all and Lexa was showing nothing but confidence in the way that she could move them. Unfortunately for her though, Clarke had a few moves of her own and now, seemed as good a time as any to show them off. Lexa was already making the dance rather hot so – fuck, why not increase the heat? 

Turning in place, Clarke pressed her back against Lexa’s front and rolling her hips rather seductively, she raised a hand, cupping the back of Lexa’s head pulling her closer. Lexa moved her hips in perfect time and the feeling of her hot breath against her neck made Clarke’s eyes flutter shut as her skin erupted in a field of goose bumps that quickly gave way to the light break of sweat. They were lost in the music, drifting in a fog of rolling hips and wandering hands and before Clarke knew it, she was dangerously and painfully turned on. This was bad, so fucking bad and yet, at the same time– so fucking good. Suddenly Lexa pulled on her hip, spinning her back around and then it happened, a frozen moment in time, where green met blue and every silent question was asked and answered. 

They were ready.

As if on cue, they gravitated toward one another, their bodies coming together as their lips met in kiss that was hot, deep and absolutely desperate. As a moan escaped Lexa’s throat, Clarke swallowed it whole and felt her entire body pulse as a result. Fuck. This was really happening.

They stumbled down the hallway, first pressed against one wall and then the other as they began to devour one another. Lexa’s hands brazenly slipped under her dress, nimble fingers sweeping across her skin until finding purchase on her hips and squeezing as she pressed into her while blazing a trail of blistering kisses up her neck. Clarke whined slightly and practically frantic for more friction, pressed her hips forward, before bringing her hands down and gripping the material of her dress because – God, this thing had to go! In one swift motion, she ripped it over her head and suddenly thanked the heavens for the fact that she had not worn a bra as she watched Lexa’s pupils dilate with sheer hunger before she surged forward, quickly claiming one of her dark and already stiff buds between her lips and sucking hard. Clarke threw her head back as the sensation of Lexa’s hot, wet tongue circling her nipple rushed through her body, causing her eyes to roll and close as her knees buckled slightly. “Fuck…” was all she could muster when Lexa pressed against her, clearly eager to relieve any and every ache that she was feeling – and God, was she ready, so fucking ready, but…

Lexa felt Clarke nudge at her shoulder and inched back, surprised when she found herself being forced back until she was effectively pinned against the opposite wall with Clarke clawing at her shirt until the sound of buttons bouncing off the walls and wood echoed throughout the hallway. Lexa let her head fall back as Clarke mercilessly bit and sucked along her neck and collarbones and yeah – that was going to leave a mark, but she didn’t even care, in fact, Clarke could mark her all day and night if that was what she wanted, as long as she marked her as her own. Lexa quickly stripped out of her now useless shirt as Clarke greedily began to work at her belt and a moment later as she stepped out of her slacks, she quickly took the upper hand again, pinning Clarke back against the pulling a leg up over her hip. The press of hot, damp fabric against her lower abdomen was honestly enough to end her, right there and then, but instead she pressed herself even further into her with a slow deliberate grind that pulled a strangled noise from Clarke as she began to grip firmly at her back and shoulders, her hips instantly rocking forward to meet each movement. It was so much – all so much and yet in no way, even close to being enough.

They moved into the bedroom, blindly making their way toward the bed, both lost in a haze of absolute want and refusing to release their grasp on each other, neither willing to separate for even a moment. Lexa felt the back of her knees hit the mattress and allowed herself to drop, with Clarke immediately climbing on top her, her hands flawlessly finding the clasp on her bra and undoing it before swiftly removing tie that was binding her hair and letting it fall free. “God, I missed you,” she breathed, claiming her mouth in a kiss that could only be described as filthy.  
Lexa was dying – absolutely fucking dying, but it was the best death in the history of the world. The feeling of Clarke’s hot, sweat coated body pressed against her own and the brush of their nipples meeting sent an exhilarating hum through her entire body that had her pushing her hips up and flipping them over, grinding her thigh against Clarke’s center and feeling it become coated in her obvious arousal. 

“Off,” Clarke pleaded suddenly, her hands pushing at the offending article that was keeping her confined. “Lexa…”

Lexa shivered slightly and inched back, hooking her fingers into the ruined fabric and peeling it away from her to reveal a sight that surely would have destroyed her own underwear, had it not been for the fact that they were already so far beyond that. Clarke splayed, swollen and wet, so fucking wet and God, so clearly fucking ready. So incredibly beautiful. 

Dropping to her knees, Lexa placed a kiss to the side of her knee and then the inside of her thigh, moving upward and continuing to kiss and nip at her skin until finally her jaw was met with a graze of soft blonde curls, causing her to inhale deeply and become momentarily lost in the heady scent that she had always known she could never forget. Fuck.  
“Take them off,” Clarke demanded a strangled voice, as she sat up on her elbows, her eyes deadlocking and dark.  
Lexa looked up at her, feeling the most intimate part of her body beat in time with her heart. “Patience,” her tone was soft, but teasing.  
“No,” Clarke practically growled at her. “I know, what I want.” It was so fucking true, but also so much more than a simple want.  
Lexa’s eyes shot up as her own words echoed in her ears because she was nothing, if not a considerate lover and in truth, she enjoyed the fact that Clarke wasn’t afraid to ask for or even demand what she wanted. Honestly, it was a turn on. “Tell me,” her voice came out in a rough whisper.  
“I want to feel you,” Clarke eyes darted lower with purpose and then back up again, holding her gaze.  
Lexa bit her lip and inhaled sharply because, Oh God...  
Clarke nodded, knowing that the depth of her need would be obvious in her eyes and shuffled back on the mattress.  
Lexa felt a tremor move through her body as she returned the nod and stood up, finally freeing herself of her last article of clothing and watching Clarke’s eyes darken with absolute desire. She moved back on to the bed, positioning herself just right and dropping one hand on to the mattress and hovering for a moment as she locked their eyes again. 

Clarke felt her breath hitch, as the heat emanating off of Lexa’s body actually warmed her already overheating skin. She was close, so fucking close and it was almost more than she could honestly stand. This, was what she had been waiting for, what she had been craving, her and Lexa, skin against skin with nothing – nothing, separating them anymore. Reaching up, her hand wrapped around Lexa’s neck, her fingers again tangling in long dark locks as their eyes met in one, last final look of assurance, a look of consent. Lexa kissed her again, before a hand gripped her hip, angling her just right and then finally – finally, they met in the middle, their burning and dripping cores pressed together in pulsating kiss that sent a shockwaves reverberating throughout their bodies. 

“Clarke…you’re so …” Lexa gasped after a beat, her hips jolting forward as if on their own accord. It was so much – so fucking much. Hot, slick and just – fuck. “You feel…”  
“I know,” Clarke panted back at her, shifting slightly and dropping her head back against the mattress as every nerve ending in her body seemed to scream. “You too. God, I…”  
Lexa swallowed a moan as she felt the brush of Clarke’s hard, swollen clit against her own and pressed into her, grinding her hips in precise calculated circles as she bit down hard on her lip.  
“Fuck…Lex..” Clarke let her eyes flutter shut, her words becoming lost as she was unable to concentrate on anything other than the feeling of Lexa’s throbbing, wet core pressed against her own.

The temperature rapidly began to climb and as their bodies moved together the room quickly filled with the torturous sounds of their mixing arousal, labored breath and the echoes of insanely pure pleasure. 

“I…” Lexa started, but nothing followed. Every inch of her was on fire and as a bead of sweat began to trail its way down her spine, she knew that she wasn’t going to last. Fuck. She needed to focus - right now.  
“Don’t try to hold back,” Clarke told her suddenly, sitting up some and rolling her hips to meet every single thrust, she increased their speed. “Don’t…baby, please...” She could tell that Lexa was close, but so was she and she wanted, more than anything, for both of them to just let go and fall, together.  
“Oh God…” Lexa let out in a strangled groan at her words. It was so much – too much and it was everywhere. Just fucking everywhere. As a prickle of moisture began to threaten her eyes, she dropped her head, latching her teeth tenderly into the welcoming skin in the crook of Clarke’s neck.  
Clarke released a guttural moan as she gripped onto her shoulder and dug her nails in, again increasing their speed. She could feel the pressure building. She was close – so fucking close, but something was missing, something that she needed – something, that wasn’t even physical. “Lex…I..” her voice came out breathless and broken. “I need to h…” her words were lost in an almost pained sob as Lexa angled against her just right and ugh – so fucking close.  
Lexa leaned back, her hips never faltering, as she brought her free hand up and laced her fingers into blonde waves, meeting her eyes. “Clarke, I…” she gasped, not willing to still their movements, “…love you,” she finished, as a tear slipped out of her eye and dropped down between them. “I love you.”  
Clarke held her gaze, feeling her heart pound and swell inside her chest before – oh fuck. “I love you,” she barely got the words out before her orgasm took her and screaming out her release, she pumped her hips with absolute abandon, determined to take Lexa with her.  
“Clarke!” Lexa cried out sharply as she increased her grip, vigorously driving her hips as her whole body coiled in on itself and then exploded outward in a flash of blinding white light. 

A moment later, they collapsed into each other in a sweaty mess of twisted limbs and matted hair while the ripples of their orgasms tapered off and a euphoric afterglow settled in. 

Lexa rolled over and dropped down onto her back. “You know that we’re nowhere near done,” she breathed out, her chest still heaving.  
Clarke smiled languidly as her body hummed at the very thought. “Fuck no, we’re not,” she rasped, rolling on top of her and claiming her mouth once more. 

It was definitely going to be a long weekend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so um, yeah.  
> I'm just going to - go.


	70. Chapter 70

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since so many of you asked- yes. Chapter 69 was totally intentional. What can I say? I figured with all of the angst in this story, we could use some humor.

Lexa stirred, her eyes opening slowly and falling on a mass of blonde waves as the morning sun peaked in through her window. Shifting slightly, she smiled and took in the sight. Clarke was still asleep, resting peacefully on her stomach with her hands buried under the pillow and the sheet bunched at her waist. So fucking beautiful. A warm sensation began to tingle in her chest – God, was this was a sight that she could wake up to every morning. She stayed there like that, for a good ten minutes or so, just enjoying the view until the pressure in her bladder finally became too much and she knew that she had to give in and get up. Quietly as she could, she slipped out of bed and made her way toward the dresser where she put on a pair of sleep pants and a tank top and then with one last glance over her shoulder, exited the room.

As she made her way down the hallway toward the kitchen, she collected all of their discarded clothing from the previous night and tossed it on to the couch before starting a pot of coffee and making her way into the bathroom. Once in the inside though, she froze for a moment, catching her reflection in the mirror and pulled her tank top back off. She had known that Clarke had marked her and marked her more than once, and she had no doubt that she had left her own marks on Clarke, but still what she was seeing in the mirror was definitely more than she was expecting. It wasn’t that she minded, she didn’t – at all, in fact, she fucking loved it and bringing her fingers up to brush over of the marks, she felt a shiver slip down her spine and settle between her legs. Damn.

Finishing up in the bathroom, Lexa slipped back into her tank top and walked back out to the kitchen with her mind flooding with memories of the previous night. Things hadn’t exactly gone as planned, that much could go without saying, but the way that it had gone – well, holy fucking shit. She didn’t expect it – really, she didn’t, it hadn’t been her intention to sleep with Clarke, but – God, when they finally fell together, it was just like it had been – like no time had passed between them at all. But then again, that was the way that it had always been with them. Any time that they had come together over the years, it had always been like no time had passed at all, so really, it shouldn't have been surprising that it was exactly how it had been – amazing and beautiful, except that it was more because…

Clarke still loved her. She loved her!

Lexa smiled lightly, zoning off a bit as she placed her hands against the counter and felt her heart practically skip at the thought. Clarke said it back – she actually said it back. While in that specific moment, Lexa had understood exactly what it was that Clarke had needed, she absolutely did not expect that Clarke would then express the same, but damn it, if it didn’t feel fucking incredible when she did. Clarke still loved her and that, was everything.

As she stood at the counter waiting for the coffee to finish brewing, suddenly two arms came around her waist and pulled her close. Lexa smiled as she leaned back into the embrace. “Good morning,” she said lightly.  
“Good morning,” Clarke voice came out rather coarse as she pushed Lexa’s hair aside and dropped a kiss onto her shoulder before inching back and trailing her fingers across what Lexa knew, were marks that had been left behind from the previous night. “Do they hurt?”  
“No,” Lexa answered honestly. They didn't.  
“How do you feel?” Clarke questioned her softly.  
“Really?” Lexa couldn’t help the smile that spread across her face as she turned to face her  
Clarke’s eyes widened suddenly. “Whoa,” she breathed.  
“Whoa yourself,” Lexa responded as she took in her form, which was clad only in the bed sheet. She brought her eyes back up, her brow instantly furrowing at the look on Clarke’s face. “What is it?”  
Clarke bit her lip and brought her hand up, dragging her fingers along her neck and collarbones. “I think that I got a little carried away,” she said after a pause.  
“No such thing,” Lexa shook her head simply.  
“You can’t see it,” Clarke pointed out quickly.  
“But I have seen it,” Lexa countered quickly. “I felt what you were doing, Clarke. I could have told you to stop.”  
“Why didn’t you then?” Clarke questioned her with her brow slightly knitted.  
Lexa felt her cheeks burn as she smiled lightly and gave her a slight shrug before turning back to the coffeemaker.  
“You enjoyed it,” Clarke’s voice came out with an undertone of understanding.  
Lexa chuckled lightly. Too much. “When haven’t I enjoyed being marked by you?”  
Clarke stepped closer after a beat and dropped her hand onto her waist. “This seems different than before though,” she whispered.  
Lexa felt a shiver move through her body and gripped the edge of the counter. Fuck.  
“Hmm,” Clarke hummed against her neck as her hand slipped into the waistband of her pants.  
“Clarke,” Lexa gasped as she grabbed her wrist. It was meant as a caution, but instead came out heavy with want.  
“Shh…baby, it’s okay,” Clarke barely breathed. “I just want to see something.”  
Lexa felt her brow furrow weakly as her grip loosened instantly and the moment she felt Clarke’s fingers dance through her already wet folds, she knew that she was in trouble. “Shit,” she sighed as her hand moved to join her other that was still gripping the counter.  
“Is this because of me?” Clarke questioned rather seductively, grazing her teeth along her neck.  
“It’s always because of you,” Lexa pushed out, as Clarke brought her fingers up, brushing them along her most sensitive spot.  
“Why do you like that I marked you so?” Clarke questioned her in a heated whisper. “Is it because now people can see that you’re taken – that you’re, mine?”  
Lexa shuddered a bit and stifled a moan as her grip on the counter increased because – fuck yes. Jesus fucking Christ - yes!  
“Is that what it is?” Clarke questioned her, gingerly licking at the skin just below her ear.  
Lexa squeezed her eyes shut as her hips began to move, meeting Clarke’s motions. “Yes,” she finally let the word fall from her lips.

In an instant the bed sheet pooled at their feet and Clarke brought her free hand to the hem of Lexa’s tank, quickly urging it up and out of the way while her other hand rapidly began to pick up speed. Lexa gasped as the pressure between her legs increased and getting the hint, tore her tank above her head and pressed her body back, not even bothering to try and hide that sound that escaped her the moment that their skin met. Sucking in her bottom lip, Lexa fisted her hand into reckless blonde curls while her head fell back and her hips took on a life of their own. A sheen of sweat quickly broke out all over their bodies as Clarke sucked and nipped along her neck, wasting little time to bring her up to the edge and then push her over. It was hot and wet and fast, but Lexa could even care because it was just so absolutely exhilarating and she was fucking lost in it.

“I can’t believe that you did that,” Lexa panted as she braced herself again the counter, slowly returning from her high.  
“Yes, you can.” Clarke rasped in her ear and she leaned against her.  
“You’re right,” Lexa chest was still heaving. “I can,” she added before spinning on the spot and pinning her against the opposite counter.

Clarke gasped as soon as her body came in contact with the hard, cold surface, but her eyes were dark and hungry. Eagerly Lexa pressed their bodies back together again and claimed her lips in a searing kiss as she pulled one of her leg up over hip and moved with purpose, feeling Clarke’s hot core press against her lower abdomen. Fuck. Just - fuck!

“You feel what you do to me?” Clarke asked as she tipped her head back, rolling her hips in such a way that there was no way not to feel it.  
“Fuck,” Lexa gasped feeling the moisture against her skin. “Clarke, you’re so…” she broke off, shuddering at the sensation and then attacking her neck.  
“It’s you…I swear to God – you fucking wreck me,” Clarke panted as she fisted her hair and continued seeking pressure. “Please Lex…I need you…”

Lexa inched back, sliding a hand in between their bodies and stroking through her wet folds, coating her fingers and working her up. She knew what Clarke wanted – exactly what she wanted and she had every single intention of delivering. As two of her slender fingers easily slipped inside, Clarke released a throaty moan and gripped down hard on her shoulders. There were no words – no words to describe the way that it felt being buried deep inside as Clarke’s heavenly walls fluttered and clenched around her. Fuck. So fucking amazing - so fucking hot. The moment that Lexa started to move, Clarke seemed to lose all control, bringing an arm back to lean on for added support, she furiously thrust her hips forward, matching every single movement and almost brutally forcing Lexa’s fingers deeper and deeper.

“Fuck…fuck, Lex,” Clarke grunted, digging her nails in and increasing her force. “Baby…fuck…I..”  
Lexa leaned down, capturing a nipple between her lips and curling her fingers to hit that spot over and over, and over again. Until...  
“Oh God - Lexa!” Clarke cried out as her spine arched suddenly. “Lex…I…I’m…” her eyes slammed shut as her hips lost their rhythm.  
Lexa released her nipple and quickly returned to her neck, attaching to her pulse point and biting down hard as she continued to vigorously pump her fingers until Clarke fell apart beautifully in her arms, screaming out her release in string of obscenities before becoming boneless and breathless.

Carefully Lexa slid them to the floor, taking Clarke on her lap and wrapping them in the previously discarded bed sheet. A moment or two slipped by with lazy kisses and soft giggles as the two just allowed their breathing to even back out and enjoyed the feeling of each other’s embrace.

“Well, that was a hell of a way to start the day,” Clarke finally spoke.  
Lexa chuckled and shifted lightly. “I’ll agree,” she nodded. “Are you ready for some coffee?”  
“In a little bit,” Clarke replied as she nuzzled in closer to her. “Right now, I’m happy right here.”  
Lexa felt a smile pull at her lips and found the need to draw a long breath. “Me too,” she told her as she leaned back against the cabinet and pulled her even closer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I had to give you something, so...  
> Yell at me.


	71. Chapter 71

Clarke slipped her car into park and turning off the ignition, exited the vehicle and stretched slightly before making her way toward her door. It was late Sunday afternoon and she had no doubt that after being gone for not only one, but two nights – she was definitely going to be facing a full interrogation from Raven, who was most likely waiting for her inside. Crossing the threshold into the apartment, Clarke was not at all surprised when the first thing her eyes fell on was Raven standing with her arms crossed, looking at her with an amused expectancy.

“Don’t look at me like that,” Clarke told her as she dropped her keys down onto the table and made her way toward the hallway.  
“Oh my – fuck, you totally did,” Raven laughed at her with wide eyes.  
“I’m sure that I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Clarke attempted to brush her off as she continued down the hall.  
“Yeah? Well, your gait says otherwise!” Raven called after her. “And I’ll still be here when you’re done in there!”

Shaking her head and chuckling lightly, Clarke entered the bathroom and closed the door. Okay, so – fair is fair, and there was definitely no way to hide the physical effects of her weekend with Lexa. Between the bow in her walk and the minefield of love bites and scratches that littered her body, even she had to admit that much. 

Pulling off her dress, Clarke stepped in front of the mirror to, for lack of a better phrase, further inspect the damage and what she saw made a smile spread on her face as something pooled in her lower belly. It wasn’t that she hadn’t already seen it all, she had, but now here, alone, in the privacy of her own bathroom, she could finally take her time reveling in every single mark that Lexa had left on her and – God, did she love it. Grazing her fingers adoringly over the dark mark that Lexa had intentionally made the previous morning in her kitchen, Clarke felt her entire body erupt in a rush of goose bumps. It hadn’t been easy to pull herself away from Lexa and bring herself home, that much was true and honestly, if she could have stayed longer, she would have but – life. Taking one last look in the mirror, Clarke smiled to herself and turned toward the shower. Technically, she didn’t really need a shower, she and Lexa had showered several times over the last two days, but this was a good way to put of Raven’s inquiry – at least for a little while anyway.

Sometime later, Clarke finally exited the bathroom and made her way into her room where she dressed, towel dried her hair and plugged in her phone before making her way back out into the living room. Reaching the end of the hallway, she came to an abrupt stop when her eyes fell on Raven and Octavia sitting on the couch, so obviously waiting for her, with a large pizza and twelve pack sitting on the coffee table.

“Seriously, Rae?” Clarke rolled her eyes and shook her head. This fricken woman - unbelievable.  
“Oh, please,” Raven brushed of her words. “Don’t even pretend that one, you don’t want to talk to us and two, you’re not hungry. You seem to forget – I know you, Griffin and if you spent the weekend doing what I think you did – you have a head to empty and stomach to fill.”  
“Totally true,” Octavia shrugged with a smile as she opened a beer.  
Clarke bit her lip and narrowed her eyes at them for a moment. Okay, fair enough. “Well, I am a hungry,” she finally said before crossing the room and dropping down into a chair.  
“Uh huh,” Raven smirked as she opened the pizza box and dished them each out a slice.  
Clarke took a bite of her pizza and leaned back in her chair. “I can’t even believe we’re talking about this,” she shook her head.  
“Right,” Octavia nodded sarcastically. “Because we’ve never talked about Lincoln and I? Or Rae and Anya?”  
“That’s different,” Clarke shrugged quickly, knowing that it was utter crap.  
“That’s a crock of shit, and you know it,” Raven laughed at her. “We’ve always had these conversations, so stop with the stalling. You totally did it, didn’t you?”  
Clarke couldn’t help the tiny smile that pulled at her lips. Ugh – these girls, God love them. 

What they were saying was true and she knew it, in fact, up until Lexa had moved away and she had basically folded in on herself, there had never really been anything that the three of them didn’t discuss, like – ever.

“Have you seen her neck?” Octavia suddenly pointed at her. “They totally did.”  
Raven popped her eyebrows. “Come on, Griff,” she practically whined. “I’m dying here!”  
“Ugh,” Clarke groaned but laughed as she rolled her eyes and a blush broke out across her cheeks. “Yes, okay,” she finally caved, “we did.”  
“Yes,” Raven did a fist pump and then held out her hand to Octavia.  
Octavia met her in the middle with a well planted high five. “Awesome,” she smiled. “Finally.”  
“God, you two are insufferable,” Clarke couldn’t help but laugh at the pair of them. So ridiculous.  
“Yeah, but you love us anyway,” Raven shrugged with confidence. “Now spill – details.”  
Clarke rolled her eyes again as she took a another bite of her pizza and got comfortable. This was going to take a while.

She started with dinner, the food, the general environment and feel of the whole thing and remembering Raven’s comment before she left was quick to point out that she had not – had not planned of sleeping with Lexa on Friday night. Moving on from there, she explained about their plans to curl up and watch a movie after dinner, but how their plans had gotten shifted, completely unintentionally, over their conversation about dancing and then – the dancing. She told them about the playful tune that she chose and the way that Lexa held her waist and cupped her hand with that firm but gentle touch of hers and then how they song changed and that when the song changed, well – everything changed.

“How did you not see that coming?” Raven questioned her looking utterly baffled.  
“We were just dancing,” Clarke defended as she shook her head and took a sip of her beer.   
“You call it dancing,” Octavia laughed at her as she opened another beer. “I call it foreplay.”  
“Ugh, I can’t even lie – it was so fucking hot,” Clarke groaned as she dropped back in her chair and bit her lip. “I totally forgot how hot Lexa is when she dances. She didn’t miss a beat – not a single fucking beat and those hips of hers – God, does she know just how to move them. It was fucking killing me.”   
“Killing her too, apparently,” Raven pointed out quickly.  
“You have no idea,” Clarke shook her head and reached for another slice of pizza. “The second that we turned and looked at each other…” she broke off and shook her head.  
“What?” Octavia questioned her curiously.  
“I don’t know,” Clarke shrugged. “It was like, I don't know how to explain it – almost like an exchange.”  
“An exchange?” Raven’s face twisted up in confusion. “An exchange of what?”  
“Permission?” Clarke shrugged again. “I mean, we’ve both been pretty firm about taking things slow and not pushing each other, but in that moment, it was almost like somehow, even without words, we were able to tell to each other that it was okay to keep going - that we were ready.”  
Octavia smiled at her warmly. "You two were always good at those wordless conversations," she nodded.  
“And then what happened?” Raven questioned her with a rather wicked smile. “Come on, two fucking years! I have to know! Did she go off like a fucking rocket??”  
“I’m so not telling you,” Clarke shook her head and took a bit of her pizza.  
“Pfft, you so totally are,” Raven told her as she threw a piece of pizza crust at her.  
Clarke caught it, bit it and threw it back at her before rolling her eyes. This idiot. Ugh. 

She told them about how they just seemed to sink into each other after sharing that look and about how there no longer seemed to be any fear or inhibitions holding them back. She spared them certain details because honestly, there were things that they neither wanted nor needed to know and then there were things that she felt belonged to her and Lexa - alone. However, the one thing that she couldn’t help but share, was the only thing that lifted her higher than any orgasm ever could.

“She told you?” Octavia questioned softly.  
“Yeah,” Clarke whispered, feeling her lower lip tremble a bit and her eyes expectantly glossed over.  
“Oh, sweetie, why are you crying?” Octavia asked as she stood up from the couch and walked to her side.  
“I don’t know,” Clarke shook her head as Octavia began to rub her back. What the hell?

It was true. She didn’t know why she was crying – not really, but, thinking back to that moment and the look in Lexa’s eyes as those three amazing words finally fell from her lips again, she suddenly found herself feeling exceptionally overwhelmed with emotion and she didn’t know where they came from or what to do with them, so – tears.

“I do,” Raven said suddenly. “You spent a long time thinking a lot of things, but regardless of all of it, since that night you and I spoke – what, like, two and a half years ago, you know, the night you finally decided to tell her how you really feel – the only think that you’ve really wanted is for her to feel the same way.”  
“Yeah, I did,” Clarke’s voice came out rather shaky as a tear slipped down her cheek. “I really did.”  
“And she really does,” Raven told her earnestly with a small smile. “It’s a lot to take in.”  
Clarke nodded as she wiped the moisture from her face. On one level, it seemed so ridiculous that this was only hitting her just now, but on another, being as caught up as she and Lexa had been in each other, it kind of made sense. Okay. Deep breath. 

Sometime after Clarke’s nerves calmed back down, she continued explaining about their night and the day that followed. Granted yes, it was true that they had spent their weekend getting sexually reacquainted in basically every room and practically on every surface in Lexa’s apartment, and yes, it had been incredible and exhilarating and somehow even liberating, but the weekend for them had been about so much more than just sex, because for the first time – the first time, they were both finally on the same page and it was so much more than just sex. So much fucking more. 

As the conversation dwindled down, Clarke got to her feet and began to clean up their mess. Collecting the now empty pizza box and several empty beer cans, she turned on her heel and made her way toward the kitchen. 

“Clarke, hang on,” Raven called after her suddenly. "One more thing."  
Clarke stopped and turned to look at her. Ugh - don't even want to know. “Hm?”  
“Was she as good as you remember?” Raven questioned with a smirk as she popped her eyebrows at her again.  
Clarke felt her cheeks flush with heat as a tiny sinful smile pulled at her lips. “Better,” she answered honestly before turning and walking away, leaving them to hoot and holler until their hearts were finally as content as her own. 

So much better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I know - I've been slacking.  
> Busy week = Bad Author.


	72. Chapter 72

Lexa stretched out on her couch and stared at the ceiling, feeling every muscle in her body ache with a certain satisfaction while a little smile played on her face. She knew that she should get up, that there were plenty of other things that she could and probably should be doing. Dishes, laundry, preparing for the week ahead, but no. No, she was quite content right where she was, reveling in every single aching muscle and thinking about the wonderful weekend that she had just gotten to spend with the woman that she loved – with the woman who loved her back.

It had been a couple of hours since Clarke had finally gone home and though she hated – really hated that she had to leave, she understood why. The weekend was basically over and tomorrow they both had their own things to take care of and their own jobs to return to, but still – damn, what she wouldn’t have given to have her just be able to stay.

A light knocking at her door suddenly pulled Lexa from her thoughts and getting to her feet she rather curiously approached the door. What the hell? She wasn’t expecting company tonight, was she?

“Evening squirt,” Anya grinned at her rather suspiciously.  
“Anya?” Lexa stared at her sister in confusion, forgetting to reprimand her for yet again using that ridiculous nickname. “What are you doing here?”  
“I brought dinner,” Anya responded simply as she held up a bag and walked into the apartment.  
“And, what makes you think that I haven’t already eaten?” Lexa questioned her matter-of-factly as she closed the door.  
“Because,” Anya said as she set the bag down on the table and looked at her. “If what I heard is true, you don’t have the energy to cook.”  
Lexa felt a light blush spread across her cheeks and crossed her arms. Well damn, that didn't take very long.  
“So, it is true then,” Anya smirked at her.  
“Let me guess,” Lexa rolled her eyes. “Raven.”  
Anya nodded. “And, believe me when I tell you that Clarke is being thoroughly interrogated as we speak.”  
“Well, that sucks,” Lexa chuckled, still standing with her arms crossed.  
“You can’t possibly think that you’re going to escape the same fate?” Anya shook her head and started emptying out the contents of the bag.  
“Anya,” Lexa practically whined as she tucked her hair behind her ear.  
Anya’s eyes widened suddenly. “Holy shit,” she exclaimed with a slight laugh. “Vampire Clarke strikes again!”  
Lexa shook her head. Crap. Forgot about that. “She’s not a vampire,” she started. “She’s just…”  
“Overzealous,” Anya finished for her with a grin. “Yeah – I remember that conversation too.”

They stared at each other for a heavy moment.

“Look, as fun as it would be, I’m not here trying to bust your chops. I just,” Anya paused and thought for a moment. “I know how you feel about her, and how long it’s been, and I have no doubt that the whole thing was probably pretty emotional. Knowing how things are for you are when it comes to stuff like that, I just wanted make sure that you were alright and give you to chance to talk about it – if you wanted.”  
Lexa stared at her sister with a small smile of appreciation spreading on her face. “What did you bring?” She asked, motioning to the food.  
“Italian,” Anya nodded and gave her a small shrug. “Do you have any wine?”  
“I do,” Lexa nodded as she adjusted the waistband of her pants, wincing slightly as the fabric between her legs brushed against an exceptionally sore spot.  
“Yeah,” Anya chuckled and shook her head knowingly. “We’ve all been there.”

So, they talked. 

Lexa told her about a conversation that she had with Clarke while she was away on her last assignment, a conversation that led to her offering to cook dinner for Clarke at her place when she returned and Clarke happily accepting. She explained that after taking in Clarke’s apparent excitement over the whole idea that she had worked really hard to try and make the evening very pleasant with a simple, but nice meal, a great bottle of wine and even added some music and candlelight to up the feel of it a bit. 

“Why not just take her out?” Anya questioned her curiously. “I mean, you two go for coffee and go out to lunch – why not just take her to dinner at some nice place?”  
“Hey, my place is nice,” Lexa shot her a quick look with her brow furrowing.  
“Yes, it’s very nice,” Anya acknowledged with a nod, “but you know what I mean.”  
“I’ve offered to take her out – several times,” Lexa responded as she picked up her wine, “but she seems to prefer staying in and honestly, I don’t mind that.”  
“Ah well, to each their own,” Anya said as she scooped up a forkful of pasta. “So, how did you end up going from having dinner to doing the dirty?”  
“Doing the dirty?” Lexa’s face twisted up at the phrase. “You’ve been spending way too much time with Raven.”  
“Regardless,” Anya simply shrugged. “What happened?”  
“She’s asked me if my hips were broken,” Lexa explained as she took a sip of her wine and set the glass back down.  
“I’m sorry,” Anya shook her head, looking rather confused. “What?”

Lexa leaned back in her chair and began to explain the conversation that had taken place while she was packaging up their leftovers and then how Clarke walked over and changed the music to something a bit more spunky and called her over to dance with her. She told her how she had accepted, not really feeling too nervous about it because – deep down, she knew that she could dance and how honestly, once they got a bit lost in it, the whole thing was a lot of fun, until the song changed and then it became something else.

“I’m telling, that look – that look that she gave me, it was like she was just daring me,” Lexa chuckled and shook her head.  
“Daring you to what?” Anya questioned her as she leaned back in her chair.  
“Prove that I could hold my own?” Lexa offered simply.  
“Well,” Anya rubbed her eyebrow and tucked her hair behind her ear. “That was pretty foolish on her part because everyone knows that you’re a great dancer.”  
“Wait, was that actually a compliment that I just heard?” Lexa sassed her with a tiny grin.  
“Nope – not even remotely close,” Anya grinned back at her. “So, I’m assuming it was your dancing that changed it all?”  
Lexa shook her head. “I wouldn’t say only mine,” she answered as her thoughts briefly returned to the way that Clarke moved against her. “No. Definitely not only mine.”  
“Alright, so you got dancing all hot and heavy and then what?” Anya questioned rather curiously. “You two just decided it was finally time to let vampire Clarke out?”  
“No,” Lexa gave her a rather unamused glare. “I mean the dancing was definitely a turn on – there’s no doubt about that, but it wasn’t necessarily what, um, got us there.”  
“Then what was?” Anya pushed a bit.  
“One of those silent conversations,” Lexa explained with a small shrug. “You know, where everything just suddenly becomes clear. We just knew that we were there – both of us.”

They talked about the sex, but more or less skirting around the more physical aspects of the whole thing because one, Anya didn’t want to know and two, Lexa didn’t want to share, but they did talk about it and the fact that, physically speaking, Lexa had been left more than satisfied by the whole thing and that she had no doubt that Clarke had been as well, though really, when it came to the sex, the discussion was more about the surge of emotions that came along with it, then the actual act itself. The absolute want, the desperate need and the love. The love was definitely a topic of conversation.

“She still loves me,” Lexa said, more to herself than Anya as she stared off into space a little, feeling that warmth in her chest. “After everything that I put her through, how can I possibly be so lucky?”  
“I think that the better question is, how could you have even doubted it?” Anya shook her head. “I mean, do you even see the way that she looks at you?”  
“I’m sorry,” Lexa chuckled lightly. “You were at Monty’s my first weekend back, were you not?”  
“I was,” Anya nodded simply. “Look, I can’t explain what it is with you two – really, I can’t, but it's like you two are you’re so rooted into each other that time, space, anger, pain – none of these things seem to erase what’s between you.”  
Lexa leaned back in her seat and took in the words.

There was a truth to them – that much she couldn’t deny. Yes, it could go without saying that their entire relationship had been a rollercoaster of extreme highs and almost endless lows but somehow – somehow, they always seemed to find a way to get back to good. There was just something between them, something that connected them, something – that always got them through.

“Just like I never doubted your love for Clarke, I’ve never doubted hers for you – not even when she was trying to hate you,” Anya’s voice broke into her thoughts. “Hell, not even when she claimed that she had succeeded in it.”  
“Jake once told her that she and I don’t know how to hate each other,” Lexa said as the memory appeared in her mind.  
“Truth,” Anya nodded. “I don’t think you do."  
"I don't think that we would be where we are if we could," Lexa shrugged lightly. "We can make each other pretty crazy."  
"You can," Anya agreed. "But, you know, I can’t even remember a time when I didn’t believe that you and her were in love, like – that’s how long this has been going on for.”  
Lexa smiled at the thought. “I wasted a lot of time – a lot of time,” she acknowledged as she rubbed the back of her neck. “I mean, early on, I didn’t see it – honestly, I didn’t and then this happened and that happened and I knew what I wanted, but I just - I couldn’t,” she paused and shook her head, “I don’t know . Eventually, I just fucked the whole thing up.”  
“You did.” Anya nodded. “But you also came back and fixed it.”  
“I honestly didn’t think she’d ever give me the chance,” Lexa admitted. Totally true.  
“Thus the whole – that ship has sailed speech?” Anya gave her an annoyed look. “Seriously - such a douche that day.”  
“Yeah, I know. I just,” Lexa shook her head “I didn’t think that we’d ever get back to that place again and now here we are – we’re happy.”  
“And back to having sex again,” Anya pointed out, tipping her glass toward her and chuckling slightly.  
Lexa rolled her eyes, but couldn’t help but laugh. “Yeah,” she nodded. “So, does everyone know?”  
“By now?” Anya shot her a look. “I’m sure.”  
“Brilliant,” Lexa shook her head and took a sip of her wine.  
“You two are a hot topic of conversation,” Anya told her with a shrug. “Learn to live with it - I have.”

The conversation shifted from there, back into the rest of their weekend, which outside of the excessive amount of sexual activity that had taken place, had really just been spent enjoying each other’s company. Granted, it was true that that enjoyment came with little or no clothing, but still, not every single moment of their weekend had been spent having sex and the sex that they had had, was so much more than just sex. It was the two of them, finally coming together on a level field, with the same feelings and desires and expressing them to one another in any way that felt right. It was about them finally being together, the way that they always should have been.

Much, much later, when the food and wine were finally finished and their conversation was pretty much over Lexa started clearing their dishes as Anya packaged up the leftovers and placed them in the fridge. It had been and interesting evening, filled with interesting conversation and honestly, she felt kind of grateful that Anya had taken the initiative to come over and bust her chops, even with her claim of not busting her chops.

“Well, your road has been pretty long, squirt," Anya said as she paused at the door, "but, let me ask you one more thing."  
“What’s that?” Lexa asked as she tossed the dishrag into the sink and turned around.  
“How does it feel to finally get the girl?” Anya questioned her with a knowing smile.  
Lexa felt her lips stretch into a wide smile. “I think that I’m still trying to wrap my brain around it, but so far,” she paused and bit her lip. “I'd have to say, pretty incredible.”  
Anya gave her a nod of understanding and left.

Lexa walked over and dropped back down on to the couch with a heavy sigh and a smile on her face.

Pretty damn incredible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Right, I know.  
> Where's the sin???


	73. Chapter 73

Clarke sat in the backroom of her gallery trying and failing to work on a new paining. Due to their currently conflicting and full schedules, it had been several days – days since she and Lexa had actually been able to physically see each other and honestly, it was kind of killing her. She didn’t want to be the kind of person who smothered her partner, really, she didn’t, but at the same time, that seemed to be the only thing that she wanted to do and her mind was swimming in confliction over it. There was an itch – this constant, burning itch to text her, talk to her or see her. God, did she want to see her. But again, she did want to be that person – she didn’t want to be that clingy, needy person. Ugh!

Granted, it was true, years back, she and Lexa did spend a lot of time together – a lot and whenever they were apart there was always this silent desire for them to be together again. Clarke tried to pretend that it didn’t really exist, hell, for a long time she had even convinced herself of as much, but now, there was just no way to deny it – not anymore. Not when everything in her seemed to be constantly calling for her. It was hard to explain, really it was, but whenever Lexa was around there was this warmth, this comfort – this completion and it was something that her body just craved. No, it was more than her body, way more – it was everything, everything that made her that craved Lexa, but it was more than a simple craving, so much more – it was a downright ache. There was an actual loss in Lexa’s absence and she could feel it, she could actually feel it, right down into her bones.

Finally caving, Clarke dropped her paintbrush with a huff and finally picked up her phone.

Clarke: Okay, so I have a problem.  
Clarke: Hi, by the way.  
Lexa: Hi.  
Lexa: What’s the problem?  
Clarke: I miss you, and it’s making me crazy!  
Lexa: :)  
Clarke: You’re happy that I’m going crazy? :(  
Lexa: Of course not, but it is nice to know that I’m not the only one.  
Clarke: :)  
Clarke: When do you think that I can see you again?  
Lexa: Do you want to have lunch?  
Clarke: Really??  
Lexa: Yes.  
Clarke: Yes!

Clarke was up off of the stool in a heartbeat, thrusting her fist in excitement and spinning around like an idiot.

Lexa: See, problem solved.  
Clarke: Just tell me where and I’ll meet you there.

Firing off the last message, Clarke quickly turned her attention to the paints and canvas in front of her and began to clean up. She was going to see Lexa. Not text her, not talk to her, not FaceTime her, but see her – actually see her and suddenly her heart was honestly overwhelmed with a giddy happiness that she couldn’t even contain.

“Well, how about right here?” A known voice suddenly filled the room.  
Clarke spun on her heel to see Lexa leaning against the doorway with a grin on her face and a bag in her hand. “Lexa,” she exclaimed, as her eyes widened and her heart swelled.  
“Hi,” Lexa’s grin stretched into more of a smile.

In four long strides, Clarke wrapped her arms around her neck and crashed both their bodies and their lips together, feeling an instant sense of relief was over her. The kiss wasn’t harsh or soft, but somewhere in the middle. The embrace on the other hand was firm and tight, and the sensation that it created seemed to ease everything – and everything that just a moment earlier seemed wrong, was now right.

“You’re here,” Clarke whispered, finally ending the kiss and pressing their foreheads together.  
“I’m here,” Lexa nodded against her. “Two of my meetings got cancelled. I was already on my way over here with lunch when you messaged me.”  
“I missed you,” Clarke told her, closing her eyes and letting the feeling of Lexa just course through her.  
“I missed you too,” Lexa responded as she inched back and dropped a light kiss on her forehead. “So much.”  
“I…I just…” Clarke started, her voice slightly shaky, but then stopped herself, because, honestly – how could she possibly explain the torturous need that she had been feeling? She’d sound like a fricken crazy person.  
“I know,” Lexa told her softly.  
Clarke inched back and looked at her. “You do?”  
Lexa nodded, holding her gaze. “I feel it too,” she told her earnestly as she brought a hand up to cup her cheek.  
Clarke stared back at her, still feeling that relief moving though her. 

Maybe she wasn’t crazy after all? Maybe Lexa felt the same ache when they were apart? 

Burying her head into the crook of Lexa’s neck, Clarke inhaled deeply and suddenly felt a familiar tremor move through her body and settle down low. Uh oh. “What time do you have to be back?”  
Lexa shrugged lightly. “I’ve got time,” she answered simply.  
Clarke released a shaky breath and felt her hand automatically grip harder on the lapel of Lexa’s blazer as she shivered lightly.  
As if reading her mind, Lexa’s body seemed to stiffen. “Clarke,” she said firmly, “we can’t.”  
“Why not?” Clarke pouted and then mentally cursed herself for it. Come on – get it together.  
“Uh,” Lexa laughed and shook her head. “Look where we are.”  
Clarke inched back and looked at her, feeling her eyebrow raise on its own. Seriously? 

Shaking her head, Clarke stepped out of the embrace and walked to the front of the gallery where she proceeded to lock the door and turn off the lights before turning back around and finding Lexa staring at her with curious, but darkened eyes.

“Now, you see, one of the perks of owning your own business,” Clarke said as she sauntered back over to her, “is ability to lock up whenever you want,” she explained before grabbing the lapels of Lexa’s blazer and pulling her into a bruising kiss.  
Lexa moaned into the kiss, seemingly stunned and stumbling backward a bit as she dropped the bag and grabbed at her hips.  
Clarke couldn’t help the smirk that formed on her lips as she pushed the blazer back off of her shoulders and began to unbutton her shirt.  
Lexa inhaled sharply, increasing her grip and pulling their hips together as her nails dug in and her teeth grazed against Clarke’s lower lip asking – begging for an entrance. 

Just as the last button on Lexa's shirt popped open, Clarke pushed it out of the way and splayed her hands against her taunt abdomen, feeling a surge run though her that made her skin tingle, her bones hum and her core literally pulse with want. She parted her lips, unable to contain the sound that escaped her throat the moment her tongue was met with the tip of Lexa’s. This was more – so much more than she had anticipated when she agreed to meet Lexa for lunch, but now that it was happening, God – was she so easily becoming intoxicated by it. Feeling Lexa tug at the hem of her top, Clarke wasted little time lifting her arms and allowing it to be removed and before it could even hit the floor Lexa’s mouth was on her. Hot and wet, kissing and nipping along her neck and collarbones as a thigh slipped between her own and she found herself being spun back against the desk as Lexa pressed into her. 

“Baby…” Clarke breathed, rolling her hips as one hand gripped the desk and the other the back of Lexa’s neck.  
Lexa’s deft fingers quickly went to work, undoing the buttons on her jeans and slipping inside. “Fuck,” she gasped the moment her fingers found what they were looking for.  
Clarke knew that she was wet – so fucking wet, but she couldn’t even consider being embarrassed by it because it was proof, not only of her need, but proof of her want – her undeniable and absolute want of Lexa. 

As the minutes dropped away, little by little so did the rest of their clothing and as another urge surged though her, Clarke found herself flipping their position and pressing Lexa back onto the desk while her mouth blazed its way south, nipping and sucking until her nose filled with the hot scent of arousal that made her mouth water and her eyes flutter shut. Wasting no time, she moved forward, dragging her tongue in one broad stroke from bottom to top and then settling her lips around what was apparently an already very sensitive bundle of nerves, causing Lexa’s hips to jolt forward while her head thumped sharply against the desk. Clarke smiled and hummed her amusement as one of Lexa’s hands tangled into her hair and the other gripped firmly at the edge of her desk. 

“Fuck,” Lexa sighed loudly, as her legs dropped open even wider. “Clarke…”  
Clarke inhaled deeply and draped and arm across her waist holding her in place. There was nothing in the world quite like this – seeing Lexa so open and bare, so hot and desperate, writhing under every subtle movement and every touch and she absolutely loved every fucking thing about it.  
“Clarke, I’m going…fuck...” Lexa breathed out, shaking her head quickly as her legs began to tremble. “I can’t…”  
Clarke tightened her grip around her waist and abandoned her clit, moving her mouth lower and dipping her tongue into molten heat. Oh, hell yes, she could - and she would.  
Lexa jerked violently and let out a strangled moan as her hips suddenly began a to move with a steady cadence. 

Bringing her other hand up, Clarke quickly thumbed at that little button and rather shamelessly, moaned out her victory when Lexa’s eyes slammed shut as her body arched off of the desk and her mouth hung open with the strangled sound of her falling over the edge ripping from her chest. It was beyond fucking beautiful and though Clarke was completely mesmerized by the sight in front of her, she kept going, silently refusing to stop until Lexa suddenly whimpered and inched back away from her with her chest heaving.

Suddenly two hands gripped her firmly by the arms and before she knew it, Clarke found herself atop the desk, straddling Lexa and being hit with a kiss made her entire body roll and her pulse wildly. “Lexa…” she gasped as Lexa’s hand suddenly slipped between them, her thumb and forefinger instantly latching on to her clit and rolling it with purpose. “Oh God…” she closed her eyes and let her head fall back.

Lexa began to kiss and lick at her skin, just drinking her in as that hand worked wonders between her legs and before too long it became more than she could stand. “Inside,” Clarke found herself panting. “Please…baby…I...” she rolled her hips to emphasize her need and Lexa quickly obliged, plunging two fingers inside of her and moving them with serious intent. Slamming her eyes shut, Clarke let out what could only be described as a howl and began to thrust her hips wanting – needing to feel her deeper. “More,” she pleaded after a beat and again Lexa wasted no time.

As a third finger slipped inside, Clarke hissed at the stretch and continued to furiously move her hips to meet each of Lexa’s movements. A fresh sheen of sweat broke out on their skin and Clarke was on fire, and then suddenly, felt as though she was going to pass out. Lexa was so deep – so fucking deep and every thrust, scrape and curl was pushing her closer and closer to an edge that almost seemed unknown. It was so much, all so much and then…

“Lexa!” Clarke gasped, feeling everything inside of her twist together and steal her breath before her hips finally faltered and her eyes snapped shut, instantly filling with an explosion of light and color. “Oh my God…” she cried out as her orgasm refused to relent. “I can’t…baby…” she dropped her head, succumbing to another wave that was more powerful and violent that the first before finally collapsing against Lexa in a heaving, tangled mess.  
“I love you,” Lexa whispered into her hair, dropping kiss after kiss against her skin.  
“I love you,” Clarke leaned back, feeling tears threatening her eyes as she pressed their lips together. “God, I fucking love you,” she repeated as a tear slid down her cheek.  
“Clarke?” Lexa's expression quickly shifted into concern. “What is it?”  
“I’m okay,” Clarke shook her head, feeling extremely foolish. “It was just – a lot.”  
“Are you sure?” Lexa questioned her, not appearing at all convinced.  
“Yeah,” Clarke nodded, pressing their foreheads together. “I’m sure, but…”  
“But what?” Lexa leaned back and looked at her, again showing that concern.  
Clarke bit her lip. Don’t do it. Don’t! “Will you stay with me tonight?” Ugh – fucking crap.  
Lexa’s features softened immediately, but she only smiled.  
“I just,” Clarke shrugged slightly and dropped her chin a bit. “I want you close to me. I miss you.”  
“Clarke,” Lexa said as she tilted her chin back up and pressed a light kiss to her lips. “Of course I’ll stay with you.”  
Clarke felt her eyebrows raise and a wide smile spread on her face as she pulled Lexa into a hug, again, reveling in that comforting feeling of having her close.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, see - again with the sin.  
> Okay, I'm just going to be over there - somewhere.


	74. Chapter 74

Lexa leaned back against the headboard and stared down at Clarke, who was still fast asleep. Smirking to herself, she took in the tiny knit in her brow, the slight twitch in her lips and the sound of her breathing. At Clarke’s request Lexa had spent the last two nights sleeping at her place and it wasn’t that she minded, she didn’t at all. No. It was just that something seemed off in the very air about Clarke when she had asked her. In fact, something had seemed off about Clarke from the moment that Lexa had walked into the gallery a day and a half ago and she just couldn’t exactly put her finger on it. It was almost like she was feeling insecure about something, but that didn’t make any sense because Clarke had almost always been full of confidence. She wanted to ask her, she really wanted to ask her, but at the same time, found herself apprehensive to do so. 

Carefully sliding out of the bed, Lexa quietly exited the room and made her way toward the bathroom. Just as she neared though, she found herself pausing in front of that clock that now hung where the sketch of her once had. 

In truth, she hated that ridiculous clock. Not because it was absolutely ugly or the fact that it didn’t even work, but more because she simply couldn’t understand it. Why was it there? What did it mean? What was the point? And, why wouldn’t Clarke talk about it? None of it made sense to her and honestly, that frustrated her almost as much as her lack of knowledge over what happened to the picture. Shaking the thoughts from her head, Lexa turned and entered the bathroom, carefully closing the door behind her. She didn’t want to think about it, really, she didn’t. Did she love the picture? Yes. Did she want to know what happened to it? Obviously. Was getting an answer worth risking throwing the two of them back into turmoil? No. Hell no. Definitely not. There wasn’t anything in the world that was worth that.

Not long after, Lexa finished in the bathroom and made her way back to Clarke’s bedroom, but stopped in the doorway when she found Clarke laying on her side, with her face buried in the pillow that she had used the night before. Interesting. 

“Clarke?” Lexa said quietly as she stepped inside and closed that door.  
Clarke’s head snapped up and instantly a wide smile spread on her face. “You’re still here,” she said, her voice still hoarse from sleep.  
“Of course I am,” Lexa said a she dropped down on the end of the bed. “You thought that I left?”  
“Well, you weren’t here when I woke up and,” Clarke shrugged lightly, “I didn’t hear anything, so I just thought that you had to go or something.”  
Lexa felt her brow furrow. Or something? “Clarke, you know that I wouldn’t just take off like that,” she shook her head. “What’s this really about?”  
Clarke shook her head and shrugged weakly.  
Mhm. Bullshit. “Clarke,” Lexa pushed her a little, feeling a tiny twinge in her chest.  
“It’s stupid,” Clarke insisted quickly and reburied her face.  
Lexa took a deep breath and slid back under the sheets, wrapping her arm around Clarke’s waist and pulling their bodies back together again and not missing the way that Clarke seemed to instantly relaxed against her. “Why don’t you let me be the judge of that?”  
Clarke took a moment before spinning in her embrace and snuggling against her chest. “I don’t want to be clingy,” she said quietly.  
Lexa shook her head, feeling a small smile pull at her lips. “Clarke, you’ve always been clingy,” she told her softly. It was true.  
“Jerk,” Clarke chuckled lightly and nudged her chest. “This is different though, like, stronger somehow,” she told her.   
Lexa nodded her head and waited for her to continue.  
“It’s like this, overwhelming need, to text you and talk to you – to just be near you,” Clarke explained as she fiddled with the collar of her shirt, “and I know how ridiculous it sounds but…I just…it’s like I can’t even control it anymore.”  
Lexa took a deep breath as she grazed her fingers soothingly up and down her spine.

It wasn’t ridiculous – not at all and even though she couldn’t really explain it, she absolutely understood what Clarke was feeling. Hell, she had been feeling it from the moment that they found themselves face to face in Monty’s kitchen months ago and even before that. The whole time she was gone it felt like there was this huge part of her had been cut out and left behind – left with Clarke, but then she saw her again and seeing her became like a drug of sorts, and regardless of how her body had struggled with the emotional baggage that came with it, she always wanted more. So yeah, she got it – she absolutely got it.

“When you left,” Clarke’s voice broke into her thoughts, “everything just got so cold, Lex – it was so cold and empty, and then you came back and when you did, it was like there was this…like this surge of energy – of emotion and it was so much that I could barely even process it and I was still so angry and hurt, and…” she shook her head and inched back some. “Then we started spending time together and the more we did, the more I felt, but I just – I thought that you didn’t want me…and then you told me that you did and that was just everything – it was everything, because to me – you are everything and when I’m with you I just – I feel whole.”  
Lexa stared at her, feeling a rush of emotion twisting the muscles in her chest as a layer of moisture clouded her vision. Out of all of the things that she might have expected Clarke to say – that, was not one of them and those words, had honestly rendered her speechless.  
“And that’s what it is,” Clarke told her with a slight nod. “I don’t want to be this needy, clingy girlfriend, but when I’m with you, I feel you – I feel you everywhere and when you’re gone,” she shrugged and shook her head. “I don’t know how to explain it.”  
“I understand,” Lexa said without giving it another thought.   
Clarke looked up at her with a slight frown. “But do you really?”  
Lexa nodded and blinked the moisture out of her eyes. “I told you,” she said after a second. “I feel it too. It really kicked into high gear for me two and a half years ago when I walked out that door,” she motioned over her shoulder.   
Clarke stared at her with her brow furrow tightly.  
Lexa took a deep breath. “When I first came back here, being around you was so hard – it was so fucking hard and it wreaked havoc on me in so many ways, but still, I couldn’t stay away – I just couldn’t. I had to try and fix things. I had to, because, like you, I feel that exact same pull,” she took her hand and placed it on her chest, gently stroking it with her thumb. “That need to talk to you and see you – to feel you near me.”

It was true. The mere thought of Clarke had always created a pull in her chest that she never could quite explain, like her heart was actually calling out to her – looking for her.

“When we’re apart," Lexa continued quickly. “I constantly feel that void – that loss and I hate it. I absolutely hate it, but then at the same time, I don’t because it reminds me that what we have it real – really real and I love that.”   
Clarke looked at her with tears in her eyes. “You do get it,” she told her quietly.  
“Yeah,” Lexa nodded slowly, “and I don’t think that it makes you needy or clingy.”   
“So, you don’t think that I’m crazy then?” Clarke smiled lightly and looked down at her hands rather sheepishly.  
Lexa shook her head and tilted her chin back up. “Clarke, you are absolutely insane,” she told her firmly, “but I love that about you. I love everything about you and I could never see you as clingy or needy because I feel exactly the same way when you’re not around.”  
“Yeah?” Clarke smiled again.  
“Yeah,” Lexa nodded. “Look, I know that life is crazy and busy and we can’t be together all of the time, but I will gladly take every moment that I can get,” she explained. “You want to call me – feel free. You want to text me – the line is always open. You want to see me – you can bet your ass that if I can make it work, I will and…”  
“I love you,” Clarke stopped her, suddenly surging forward and wrapping her arms around her.  
“I love you, too.” Lexa smiled against the side of her head as she hugged her back.   
“I don’t know where this even came from,” Clarke shrugged lightly. “I just…now that I have you, I don’t want to do something that’ll make you…”  
“Hey,” Lexa cut her off quickly. “I’m not going anywhere. I know who you are, Clarke and you, with all of your bat-shit crazy ways, are who I want.”  
Clarke tightened her grip and inhaled deeply, seemingly breathing her in. "I want you too," she said softly.  
"You have me," Lexa told her as she kissed the side of her head and held her close.

Sometime later, as they were sitting down to enjoy the lovely breakfast that a lazy Saturday morning afforded Lexa the time to cook, Clarke seemed to be bubbling over with happiness and so much more at ease than she had been recently and it was an ease that Lexa loved to witness – just Clarke, in all her glory, being Clarke.

“You know that you have to send out the announcement, right?” Clarke said as she lifted a forkful of eggs off of her plate.  
Lexa pouted at her words. Ugh. “Can’t you just do it?”  
“Nope,” Clarke shook her head simply. “Rules are rules and you’re up.”  
“Fine,” Lexa rolled her eyes and set down her coffee cup before picking up her phone.

***New Event Created***

Commander: I’m probably going to regret this but, who’s in?  
Reyes: Finally!!! In!  
JasperJ: Yeah! We’ve been waiting forever! ! I’m totally there.  
Princess: Oh, behave you two.  
Reyes: Well we wouldn’t be us if we did that, now would we?  
JasperJ: Right?  
Princess: Mhm. In.  
BabyBlake: I’m in. Do you want me to cook?  
Commander: I think that I can handle it, but if you want to help?  
BabyBlake: No problem.  
Linc: I’ll be there.  
MontyG: Wouldn’t miss it.  
MontyG: RoP?  
A: As if you even have to ask?  
Commander: Vodka.  
A: See?  
Reyes: Hahaha!  
Princess: Lame.

“I like it,” Lexa said with a shrug as she picked her coffee mug back up.  
“Mhm,” Clarke smiled back at her. “I know that you do.”  
“Oh, so what then?" Lexa raised her eyebrow and smiled. "You just like picking on me?”  
“I like to do a lot of things,” Clarke inched forward and pressed their lips together.   
“Hmm,” Lexa hummed into the kiss, feeling her lips tingle slightly.

A: I’m in.  
Reyes: Lexa, do you still have that air mattress?  
Commander: I do.  
Princess: Someone apparently forgot how to return things. ;)  
Commander: Hey!

“Not nice,” Lexa shook her head and sported an unimpressed expression.   
“Aw,” Clarke cooed with a chuckle as she gave her a little nudge in the ribs.  
“Jerk,” Lexa shook her head, but smiled all the same.

Reyes: Right?  
Reyes: Alright, so between your bed, the pull out and the air mattress, only a couple of us will be on the floor.  
JasperJ: Me.  
MontyG: And me.  
BigBlake: Me too. Well, maybe in a chair, we’ll see – I’m in though.  
BabyBlake: Yes!  
Commander: Add Clarke to that list.  
Princess: Lexa! :(  
Commander: That’s what you get – banished from yet another room.  
Reyes: Hahaha!  
BabyBlake: Damn!  
MontyG: Ouch.  
Princess: :(  
Reyes: Don’t worry, Griff – no way she’ll actually go through with it.  
Commander: Do you want to bet?  
Reyes: Damn right, I do!  
A: Don’t do it, squirt. You know that you'll lose.  
Princess: Speaking of bets…

“What's that about?” Lexa looked at her feeling suddenly confused.  
“Just wait for it,” Clarke shook her head and took a sip of her coffee.  
“Wait for what?” Lexa shrugged.  
“They had a bet going about us,” Clarke explained simply.  
“What kind of bet?” Lexa questioned her, still feeling pretty lost.  
Clarke popped an eyebrow and smirked.   
Lexa closed her eyes and shook her head as the lightbulb went off. Seriously? “They didn’t.”  
“They did,” Clarke nodded, “and I want to know who won.”

Reyes: You really want to go there?  
Princess: I do.  
Princess: Who won?  
Reyes: Not me.  
BabyBlake: Me neither.  
JasperJ: Still can’t even believe it…  
Linc: I didn’t.  
BigBlake: I lost.  
A: I did too.  
Princess: Monty???  
Commander: You were actually in on this?  
MontyG: Sorry guys. Even I can’t pass up easy money.   
Princess: What do you mean?  
Reyes: He means that he actually believed that you two wanted to and would take things slow – so he intentionally picked a date that was way out passed the rest of ours.  
MontyG: What she said.   
BabyBlake: You two held on way longer than any of us thought you would.  
BigBlake: Or could for that matter.  
JasperJ: Totally.  
A: Even I have to agree there.

Lexa set down her phone and shook her head, but chuckled. Unbelievable. “Why didn’t you tell me about it?”  
“Honestly, I forgot,” Clarke shrugged and took a bite of her toast. “Are you really going to make me sleep on the floor?”  
Lexa felt her eyes narrow playfully. “Maybe,” she answered with a slight smirk.  
“But Lex,” Clarke whined as she bounced in her seat and pouted beautifully.  
Lexa smiled and stared at her for a moment, feeling a warm and tingling sensation spread through her chest, she shook her head.

Yeah - she totally would have lost that bet.


	75. Chapter 75

Clarke stood at the sink cleaning up the dishes from the amazing breakfast that Lexa had prepared and smiling to herself. The conversation that had happened between her and Lexa that morning had been crazy – totally crazy and she knew it. It was too soon - way too soon to be expressing those things to her and she knew that, but at the same time, she had to, she so fucking had to and - God, did she feel better once she did. Feeling a little bubble of happiness move through her, Clarke shimmied on the spot and continued smiling to herself. Lexa got it - she really got it and, she felt the exact same way. She felt the same loss in her absence, understood the need to just be close and wanted to be together just as badly as she did.

Just as Clarke turned off the water and dried off her hands, two strong arms circled her waist and a pair of perfectly soft lips pressed against the nape of her neck. Closing her eyes and leaning back, she felt the warmth of Lexa's body penetrate her own skin and smiled, releasing a sigh and allowing herself to get lost in the sensation that was quickly spreading through her body. She loved the way Lexa's body fit against her own, it was as though they had been specifically molded to fit together seamlessly because they did - they really did and it was wonderful.

"Baby," Clarke whispered with a small smile as Lexa's lips continued to move along her neck, parting every so often as her tongue darted out for a slight taste of her skin.  
"Hm?" Lexa hummed a response, but didn't stop.  
"What are you thinking about?" Clarke questioned, feeling a bit of warmth starting to pool between her thighs.  
"You," Lexa answered simply and nipped lightly just below her ear.  
Clarke felt her breath catch slightly as her jaw slipped. "What about me?" She breathed as Lexa's hands slipped under the hem of her tank top and ran across her stomach.  
Lexa smirked against her neck, bringing her mouth up and capturing her earlobe, dragging the tip of her tongue against it almost painfully slow.

Clarke allowed her eyes to flutter shut as the pool between her thighs instantly increased and her body flushed with heat. God, the affect that Lexa had on her was so instantaneous that it was downright insane. Reaching under her top, she took Lexa's hand and slid it up her body, feeling instantly grateful that she had failed to put a bra that morning. The second Lexa cupped her breast and began kneading with purpose while pinching her nipple, Clarke's body began to move on its own.

"We should move," Lexa whispered in her ear.  
Clarke nodded, finding that all of her words were suddenly failing her. Yes, they should. The definitely should - like, right fucking now, otherwise anyone who walked through that door would be in for one hell of a show, but fuck, she was already so fucking lost in it.

Turning in the embrace, any thoughts about moving were quickly lost the moment her eyes met Lexa's which were incredibly dark and burning with desire. Fuck moving. Without a moment's hesitation, Clarke surged forward, seizing her lips and pressing their bodies together. It was that look - the fucking look of absolute unabashed want that killed her. It killed her every single fucking time and - God, did she fucking love it. It was so honest, so pure – so fucking beautiful.

“Clarke,” Lexa breathed as their lips parted. “You need to come with me,” she said, pulling at her hips slightly, clearly wanting to move to the bedroom.  
“Hm,” Clarke smirked with a shaky chuckle. “I want to,” she told her, though her voice betrayed her joke and instead she sounded just desperate.  
“I want you,” Lexa told her as she pressed their foreheads together and tightened her grip on her hips. “So fucking bad.”  
Clarke smiled as her words and felt her knees weaken slightly before she pressed their lips together again and finally gave in, following her to her bedroom. 

They stumbled down the hallway in a blind haze of kisses and caresses and the moment the door to her bedroom closed, Clarke made quick work of her clothes, wanting nothing more than to feel the press of Lexa’s bare skin against her own and the instant that she stepped out of her shorts she got her wish as Lexa surged to embrace her, connecting their lips and their bodies before skillfully dropping them down on to the bed where her body moved in such a way that Clarke felt like she was spinning. 

“I love how you feel against me,” Clarke sighed as she raked her nails down Lexa’s back and rolled her hips forward. “I can’t even…you drive me so fucking crazy.”

It was true – so fucking true. Every touch, every brush of skin – there wasn’t a kiss or nip that didn’t send her body into an absolute frenzy and she absolutely loved it. She loved the way that her body responded to Lexa and she loved that it was Lexa – Lexa who shook her to her very core.

As Lexa inched back, tilting her body in such a way and dragging herself against the length of her thigh, Clarke gasped, shocked, but somehow not at what she felt. “God…” she shook her head and snaked a hand between then, slipping her fingers through Lexa’s saturated folds and biting her lip. “Baby…how long have you been like this?”  
Lexa smiled lightly as a blush bloomed on her cheeks. “I can’t help it,” she admitted, leaning forward and brushing their lips together.  
“I don’t want you to,” Clarke shook her head quickly and removed her hand, twisting her hips and pulling Lexa flush against her, “ever,” she added with a sharp gasp the moment their cores met.

There was nothing – absolutely nothing better, than when they connected like this. There was just something about it, something so deep and intimate that it made everything else around them just swirl and disappear, and Clarke fucking loved it. It never mattered whether it happened long and slow or fast and hard – she still just fucking loved it and would completely lose herself in it every single time.

Lexa drew a sharp breath and hoisted herself up slightly, pressing into her with a deliberately slow grind. “Oh fuck…” she shook her head.  
Clarke sighed and let her eyes roll briefly before leaning forward and scraping Lexa’s bottom lip between her teeth. “I love you like this,” she whispered against her mouth. “Pressed against me...so open and hot…so wet and,” her voice faltered during a deliciously perfect drag of their clits.  
“Clarke…” Lexa whimpered as she shook her head and closed her eyes. “Please…you feel so fucking good…I can’t…” she added, tightening her grasp and quickly increasing their speed.  
“Oh God…oh…” Clarke gripped the hairs at the back of her neck, knowing that they were already there. Yep – fast and hard. “Please let go…” she pleaded, licking up the length of her neck and stopping at her ear. “Baby, please,” she added, palming her breast and squeezing it rather roughly. "I want to feel it."  
Lexa tilted her hips slightly, again connecting their clits in that perfect drag and throwing her head back, pressed in further and fiercer. “With me,” her voice came out splintered by her jagged breath.  
“I’m…” Clarke shook her head, feeling the edge rushing up to meet her, “...with you,” she slammed her eyes shut as their bodies tensed together and then exploded with a force as fresh flood of slick heat pooled between them.

Sometime later, Clarke rolled over and smiled warmly as her eyes fell on Lexa. She was leaning back against the headboard and appeared to be texting on her phone.

“What’s up?” Clarke questioned her curiously.  
Lexa looked over and smiled. “Jasper,” she motioned to her phone. “He’s asking if we want to go to Azgeda tonight.”  
Clarke shrugged. “For what?”  
“Some girl he wants us to meet,” Lexa answered simply.  
“Oh, okay.” Clarke yawned and sat up a bit. “Is anyone else going?”  
“So far it looks like Rae, Anya, and Monty,” Lexa nodded. “What do you think?”  
“Sure,” Clarke shrugged again. It wasn’t often Jasper brought anyone around for them to meet. “But, we need to shower first.”  
“Yes,” Lexa laughed and gave a firm nod. “Definitely,” she added before firing off a reply.

A couple of hours later, the pair of them crossed the threshold into Azgeda and began to weave their way through the crowd in search of their friends. It took them a bit as the bar seemed insanely packed – maybe even over capacity, but finally Clarke spotted Jasper and Raven near the bar with a small brunette that she didn’t recognize.

“Found them,” Clarke announced with a smile.

Turning back toward the bar, Clarke watched as a tall man approached the brunette and said something that simply had the brunette shaking her head. An odd and clearly uncomfortable exchange seemed to transpire between them and though Clarke couldn’t hear what was being said, the moment she saw Jasper step forward, she knew that it wasn’t going to be good. Fuck. Suddenly wishing that the bar wasn’t so packed, Clarke grabbed onto Lexa’s hand and began to push her way through the crowd and toward their friends. 

Just as they were getting close though, time seemed to slow itself as a scuffle appeared to break out between Jasper and the stranger, with Raven shooting to her feet and trying intervene. In an instant the man brought his hand up and forcefully pushed Raven away, leaving Clarke to watch horrified as she flew backward until her body brutally came in contact with the edge of the bar and then there was a moment – a frozen moment where her eyes widened with shock before her legs gave out and her body crumpled to the ground. 

The next few seconds blurred as Clarke rushed forward and dropped to her knees. “Rae,” she said loudly as she took Raven’s hand and brushed her hair aside. “Rae!”  
Raven opened her eyes with a slight gasp. “Fuck…”  
“Are you okay?” Clarke questioned as a million thoughts ripped through her mind. God – just be okay.  
“Yeah…I…ahh,” Raven winced and shook her head. “I think I…it's just…”

Something moved in the corner of Clarke's eye and turning she felt her jaw slip and her eyes widen as they fell on Lexa, who was standing rigidly with a hardened jaw and popping veins, firmly pressing the strangers face into a barstool while she twisted his arm violently behind his back, glaring as a fire burned in her eyes that Clarke had not seen in a very, very long time and she showed absolutely no signs of relenting. Well, fuck.

This was not going to end well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry everyone. It seems that some of chaos has found its way into my life lately, but I've been wanting to give you something so I thought, a little bit of sin and tiny bit of chaos...


	76. Chapter 76

The room around Lexa instantly swirled and blurred and as her focus on the man in front of her intensified, everything else just faded away. Things were happening around her, however muffled and hazy, she knew that they were, but in that moment, none of it mattered because she simply couldn’t see anything other than the man in front of her. This man – if he could even be called a man, he dared…he dared and now…

Setting her jaw with an inferno raging in her chest, Lexa pressed his face firmly against the barstool and twisted his arm further, feeling the bones literally straining against the pressure. She could break it, she could – she really could, another inch, hell, another half inch and surely it would snap. As an image of Raven falling flashed in her mind, a low growl began to rumble in her chest and she began to increase the pressure. Fuck it.

A hand suddenly dropped on her shoulder and with a sharp inhale of breath, Lexa felt a flood of soothing warmth wash over her and reset her focus, pulling her back and grounding her once again. 

Clarke.

“Don’t,” Clarke’s voice came out soft, but firm.  
Lexa turned her head slightly, bringing her gaze to Clarke’s and felt her features instantly soften.  
“Lexa, let him go,” Clarke told her evenly.  
Lexa nodded slowly, feeling her grip automatically loosen and stepped back, keeping herself planted protectively in front of Clarke as the man straightened up and turned.  
“You fucking bitch,” he spat at her as he grabbed his arm and glared at her for a second or two before glancing around wildly.  
Lexa squared her shoulders and took a deep breath, already knowing what was coming.

Well, fuck.

The man moved quickly, scooping a beer bottle off of the bar and swinging it in her direction. Pushing Clarke back, Lexa stepped forward and raised her hand, faintly registering the sound of breaking glass before bringing her foot up with purpose and planting it firmly against the man’s chest, sending him falling backward, but a second later, he was back on his feet and chucking the broken neck of the bottle in her direction and then suddenly there was nothing – nothing but red and rage and Lexa found herself completely lost in it as a wild series of blows were violently exchanged over and over, and over again until finally several people intervened and pulled them apart while others, unfortunately, called the police.

Sometime later, Lexa stood alone at the end of the hospital corridor, pacing back and forth while they waited for Abby to return with news on Raven. An uneasy feeling had settled deep inside her chest and with every moment that passed it seemed to be getting heavier and heavier. She knew that she wasn’t in the wrong, at least, not entirely anyway. The guy was out of line. He was drunk and rude, and chose to show his displeasure over being rejected by picking a fight – a fight that had now landed them all here. He had hurt Jasper and Raven – he deserved what he got, but at the same time she was totally in the wrong because she knew what she was capable and she should have kept herself in check. She should have. She absolutely should have, but she didn’t – she didn’t and everybody saw it. Fuck. Just – fuck. Feeling a harsh pang fire off in her chest, Lexa winced and drew a sharp breath. 

Staring down at her bandaged hand and bruised knuckles Lexa shook her head and tried to think back. The fight and what had transpired after it was honestly a haze in her mind – just scattered bits and broken pieces, but she knew that it had been bad - so fucking bad. She had hurt him – that much she knew as an image of his battered face had burned itself into the forefront of her mind. She could remember pulling a large glass shard out of the center of her hand and then swearing as she threw aside and she vaguely remembered talking to the police, well – mostly Clarke talking to the police and she remembered Anya and Clarke telling Raven that she absolutely needed to go get checked out, but other than that – it was all a blur.

“Hey squirt,” Anya’s voice suddenly filled her ears.  
Lexa turned and looked at her. “Any news on Raven?”  
“Not yet,” Anya shook her head. “Abby said that being that she walked in here, she’s most likely fine, but with the way that her feet went out from under her like that, they're running some scans to be sure,” she explained rather quickly. “Octavia just got here, so Clarke’s filling her in.”  
“Do you think we made the right decision calling her?” Lexa questioned. “I mean, like you said – she walked in here. Raven's probably going to be a bit annoyed.”  
"Don't care," Anya responded matter-of-factly. “Octavia would have killed us if we didn’t.”  
Lexa nodded as she glanced down to the other end of the hallway where Clarke and Octavia were talking. Totally true, she would have.  
“Are you okay?” Anya questioned, eyeing her carefully.  
Lexa felt her jaw begin to work and looked at her before nodded shortly.  
“You know that you didn’t do anything wrong,” Anya said firmly, obviously knowing where her mind was at.  
Lexa shook her head slowly. Bullshit. She had done everything wrong – everything. “I lost control,” she finally said, though it wasn't even exactly true because the fact of the matter was that she had simply tossed it aside.  
Anya nodded, she got it. “Had it been me standing there – I probably would have killed him,” she told her as she took a step forward. “You were trying to diffuse a situation.”   
Lexa continued to shake her head and stare at the floor. “Instead, I made a bad situation worse,” she pointed out.  
“You didn’t,” Anya shook her head. “Look, he's the one who started a fight with Jasper and then pushed Raven, all that you did was subdue him - he could have walked away after that, but he didn’t. He chose to pick up that bottle and go after you – you didn’t make him do it.”  
Lexa nodded as she pushed her hair back out of her face and rubbed her knuckles along her clavicle. That was true, but still. 

She got what her sister was saying, really – she did, but it wasn’t that simple. There was more to it – more at play and she didn't know what to do with it. The way that she’d reacted, the anger that she had felt and the thoughts in her head - all of these things were pushing in on her, crushing her – absolutely fucking crushing her and honestly, she just wanted to get away.

“Don’t do this to yourself, squirt,” Anya told her firmly. “You didn’t do anything wrong. If you had, they would have arrested you too.”  
Lexa worked her jaw again, struggling against the uneasy feeling that had made its way into her bones and then shook her head ever so slightly. "Maybe they should have," she mumbled before turning on her heel and walking further down the corridor. She didn’t want to talk anymore.

Once down at the opposite end of the hall, Lexa stuffed her uninjured hand into her pocket and fished out her pin, flipping and rolling it through her fingers as she resumed her pacing and desperately tried to sort out her thoughts.

Right or wrong, at this point, it honestly didn’t matter in her head. No. The only thing that she could think about now was her intent in that moment and her intent – well, that was just fucking her all up inside. She had never been a one for violence – she didn’t like hurting people and while it was true that she did, in fact, have the skills, she had always tried her best to not use them. Honestly, her mindset on the subject had always been very clear – just because she could, it didn’t mean that she should - but tonight she did, she really did and God – was she fucking conflicted over it. She was conflicted about the fact that she had done it and conflicted about the fact that she had wanted to, but more than anything else – she was conflicted about the fact that she had practically enjoyed hurting him for what he did and that was just…it was just…

“Hey,” Clarke’s hoarse voice broke into her thoughts.  
Lexa’s eyes snapped up for a second, but then instantly returned to the ground. Shit.  
“Are you okay?” Clarke asked as she took a step forward.  
Lexa barely nodded, but instantly took a step back. Nope, not at all.  
“Lex?” Clarke frowned lightly as she took in the action. “Baby, what is it?”  
Lexa shook her head and clenched her teeth. “Nothing,” she told her, feeling a familiar tense pressure building up inside of her.  
“Something,” Clarke countered quickly and gave her a kind, but knowing look.  
“I hurt him,” Lexa said without looking at her.   
“You defended yourself,” Clarke responded as she took another step forward.   
Lexa finally looked at her, feeling her eyes narrow slightly. Nope – bullshit. “It was more than that,” her voice came out low, “and you know it.”

It was true – totally true and they both knew it. Hell, at this point, everyone knew it and it was honestly more than she could stand.

“Lexa,” Clarke sighed shook her head. “He hurt your friends and then he attacked you – you’re human, you reacted. Maybe it got a little out of hand, but…”  
“A little?” Lexa scoffed and shook her head. Seriously? “Clarke, did you see his face?”  
“Did you see your hand?” Clarke fired back quickly. “Extreme circumstances,” she shook her head. “Don’t make this into something that it isn’t.”   
Lexa shook her head again. Fuck. “I wanted to hurt him, Clarke,” she admitted quietly. “I wanted, to break his fucking arm.”  
“I know that you did,” Clarke nodded as she finally stepped into her space, “but, you didn’t,” she added as she reached up, barely thumbing over the fresh mark on the left side of her lower lip before cupping her cheek. "You let go."  
Lexa’s eyes fluttered shut at the contact as something quivered in her chest. "Only because you stopped me," she barely whispered.

“I’ve been looking for you two,” Abby’s voice suddenly echoed off of the walls  
Lexa opened her eyes as she stepped back and turned to see her approaching them. She held her breath.  
“How’s Raven?” Clarke questioned instantly.  
“I think she’ll be alright,” Abby said as she came to stop. “Everything still looks good. She might be a little sore for a few days, but all in all – no real damage.”  
Lexa let out a sigh and rubbed her forehead as the feeling of pure relief washed over her. Raven was okay.

After that, Lexa completely spaced out the rest of the conversation that was transpiring between Clarke and her mother, knowing now that Raven was fine, she quickly found herself tumbling right back into her own tortures thoughts that were filled with second guesses and endless doubts. She felt torn – so torn and she didn’t know what to do. Part of her wanted to run – to just go and hide away until her head cleared out and the other part just wanted to stay – stay right where she was, right there with Clarke.

“Please, don’t go,” Clarke said lightly, as though she had read her thoughts, and again cupped her cheek, lightly stroking her thumb against her skin. "Stay with me."  
Lexa blinked and looked around for a second. When did Abby leave? She looked back at Clarke and felt her breath catch as she found herself not only seeing but actually feeling her understanding, her acceptance and her love. Slowly she leaned forward and pressed their foreheads together, nodding just a bit and taking a steadying breath.   
Clarke smiled lightly and continued affectionately thumbing her cheek. "Extreme circumstances," she reminded her firmly. "Everyone knows that that's not who you are."  
Lexa inched back after a moment looked down and worked her jaw again. “Did I scare them?” She asked after a pause. She knew that it might have seemed like a stupid question, but it really wasn't.   
“No,” Clarke answered simply and shook her head. “It’s just been a really long time since any of them have actually seen you go all badass Commander on anyone,” she explained with a small smirk as she pulled her into a reassuring hug. “That’s all.”  
Lexa inhaled deeply and then relaxed into the soothing embrace. Truth be told, she was completely exhausted - not just physically and mentally, but even emotionally too and though she knew that she wasn't quite finished chastising herself for what had happened, she didn't want to think about it anymore.

At least, not tonight.


	77. Chapter 77

Clarke sat at her desk shuffling through some bills and trying to focus more on what was in front of her than on the thoughts that had been swimming around in her head. Just about a week had passed since that incident at the bar and in that time, things had been a little off. Though that night, Lexa did, in fact, stay with her, she left the following morning and after that retreated into her own little space of solitude, unsurprisingly throwing herself into her work. 

One hand, Clarke really wasn’t too surprised – she knew Lexa and she understood that this was just her way, but on the other hand, it honestly kind of stung a bit because she wanted to be there for her and help her work her way through it. However, even with all that, she was glad that she hadn’t been left in absolute radio silence. No. Her and Lexa still texted randomly throughout the day and had even had lunch together a couple times and while it was true that things were a bit different and she missed the way that they were before the fight, but at the same time, she understood.

She understood why Lexa felt the way that she did – really, she got it. What had happened at the bar that night had been pretty damn scary. The moment that that man had stepped forward brandishing what anyone would consider, a weapon, Lexa just lost it – totally fucking lost it and it had taken her, Anya and one of the bartenders to finally pull her away from him and stop her rage. It was crazy – absolutely fucking crazy, but Clarke got it. 

She understood what had happened and why – everyone did, well, everyone except for Lexa. Everyone knew that Lexa wasn’t violent – she wasn’t, not at all, however, what she was, was fiercely protective of her family and that’s what had set her off so. Jasper had been hit, Raven was on the ground and then that idiot decided to step forward with the obvious intent of hurting someone else and that was the switch – that was what took her from the level of simply subduing him, to the level of actually harming him.

Getting to her feet, Clarke walked over to the filing cabinet and quickly deposited her folder inside before the sound of her phone caught her attention.

Lexa: Hi.  
Clarke: Hi.  
Lexa: I hope that you are having a good day.  
Clarke: I hope that you are too.  
Clarke: Are you ready for tonight/this weekend? Do you need me to pick anything up?  
Lexa: No. I think Octavia and I have it pretty much covered.  
Lexa: I’m looking forward to spending some real time with you though.  
Lexa: I miss you.

Clarke smiled as she stared down at the messages, feeling a bit of warmth spread through her and leave her feeling a bit tingly.

Clarke: I miss you too.  
Clarke: How are you feeling?  
Lexa: I’m fine, Clarke. 

Clarke rolled her eyes and shook her head. She knew that it was bullshit, but she wasn’t going to push the issue, at least, not right now. 

Clarke: Okay.  
Clarke: I’ll be heading over straight from here, so I’ll see you in a few hours, xo.  
Lexa: I can’t wait, xo.

Tucking her phone into her desk drawer, Clarke released a sigh and returned to her work, she had quite a bit to get done before the end of the day, including a somewhat important meeting, so she really needed to stop futzing around and actually get focused if she had any hopes of actually making it to Lexa’s at a decent time. 

Fail. Total fail. 

That was all that Clarke could think when, more than a few hours later, she finally pulled into a parking spot across the street from Lexa’s apartment building, quite certain that she was the last to arrive. Fuck – just fuck. Everything – literally everything had taken way longer than she had expected and now, she really just wanted to get inside and be with her people – be with Lexa.

“Clarke!” An all too familiar voice cut through the air.  
Clarke paused with her hand on the door to the apartment building and turned to see Bellamy jogging toward her with his overnight bag hoisted up over his shoulder. “Hey Bell, “ she smiled and stepped forward, pulling him into a hug. “I guess I’m not the only one who’s late, huh?”  
“Hey,” Bellamy laughed as he hugged her back. “I’m actually here and that’s all that matters.”  
“True,” Clarke nodded as she stepped back, continuing to smile.  
“How are things?” He questioned her curiously as they made their way into the lobby. “I heard about what happened. Is Lexa doing okay?”  
Clarke sighed and pressed the call button for the elevator before glancing at him with a look that she knew he would read.  
“Got it,” he nodded in understanding. 

After a short elevator ride, the pair crossed the threshold into Lexa’s apartment and Clarke found herself pausing and smiling as she took in the sight. 

Jasper, Monty and Raven were all sprawled out on the couch, playing some sort of crazy video game and Clarke chuckled, knowing that Jasper and Raven had probably begged Lexa to allow them to bring along one of their game consoles to hook up to the badass television that Raven had found for her. Adjusting her glance, she found Anya and Lincoln planted at the table and playfully arguing over a hand of cards while Octavia hovered nearby, so clearly siding with Lincoln. 

Shaking her head, Clarke finally moved her eyes toward the kitchen where she found Lexa, who was busy preparing something that she could not see and had not even realized that she was there. Smiling warmly and wasting little time, Clarke quickly crossed through the apartment and wrapped her arms around her waist before sighing as that feeling of utter completeness washed over her. God, had she missed this woman.

“Hi,” Lexa said quietly as she tilted her head and dropped a light kiss on her temple.  
Clarke felt her lips bend into a pout. “Is that all that I get?”  
“Just let me finish this up and then I promise,” Lexa glanced over, meeting her eyes. “I will greet you properly.”  
Clarke felt a warm smile pull at her lips. Hmm.

“Uh, Griffin,” Raven called suddenly. “I think that you forgot something.”  
Clarke turned to find Raven approaching her, rather stiffly, and waving a small bottle at her.  
Clarke stepped away, instantly moving to try and meet Raven halfway. “How are you feeling?” She questioned her, not even trying to hide the concern in her voice. 

Her mother had been right, Raven had been sore in the days following the fight, but now that soreness seemed to be lingering and with each passing day Raven seemed to be moving slower and slower.

“I’m fine,” Raven hissed slightly and rolled her eyes, holding the bottle out to her.  
“You don’t seem fine,” Clarke shook her head lightly as she took the bottle from her.  
“Well, I am,” Raven nodded and threw her a wink before turning and making her way back to the couch.  
Clarke released a frustrated huff and turned her gaze to Anya who gave her a slightly sympathetic look and a small shrug.

Ugh, Raven – so fucking stubborn.

Making her way back into the kitchen, Clarke uncapped the bottle and tipped the liquid into her mouth. Closing her eyes, she let it linger there for a moment before allowing it to slowly burn its way down her throat. Upon opening her eyes, she found Lexa approaching her with a slight smirk. “What?” She questioned curiously.  
Lexa quickly reached forward and pulled her into a kiss that had her lips parting on their own accord and a tiny, almost unnoticeable whimper escaping her the second the tip of Lexa’s tongue flicked against her own and as her body began to throb slightly - fuck, did she wish that they were alone.

“Okay, you two,” Octavia’s voice rang out. “Break it up!”

Clarke inched back, her eyes taking a moment to focus because – damn.  
“Was that a better greeting?” Lexa questioned with a small, but surprisingly playful smile on her face.  
“Uh,” Clarke chuckled, feeling her cheeks flush suddenly. “Yeah.”  
“Good,” Lexa nodded "You look nice, by the way," she added.  
Clarke looked down, suddenly realizing that she never changed out of her skirt and blouse. "I actually meant to change," she shook her head.  
"You look nice," Lexa repeated and placing one more quick peck on her lips, she turned and returned to the kitchen.

From there the night moved on in all of its normal and yet always random ways with everyone floating in and out of conversations and activities while enjoying lots of amazing food and well prepared drinks. There was no doubt that everyone was having a good time – Lexa included, though Clarke couldn’t help but notice that she was certainly more on the quiet side than she had been in some time, which left her with little doubt that there was definitely still something going on inside that head of hers.

Glancing up from where she was lounging and watching the game that Lincoln and Monty were playing, Clarke could see Lexa standing out on the balcony, seemingly taking in the view. Deciding that she wanted to go join her, she moved to stand up, but stopped when she saw Bellamy step out onto the balcony and close the door behind him.

Hm.

Clarke settled back into her seat and just watched the two of them carefully. Though she couldn’t hear a single word of the exchange that was taking place, their body language made it more than obvious that they were talking about what had happened the previous weekend at the bar. Practically transfixed, she watched as a variety of different emotions flashed across Lexa’s face and when the conversation came to an end, she found herself feeling a warm sense of relief as she watched Lexa step forward and pull Bellamy into a lengthy hug. 

A moment later the door opened and Bellamy stepped inside, giving her a slight nod as Lexa followed closely behind him.

Clarke got to her feet, ready to go over and talk to her, but then froze as she watched Lexa’s foot catch the edge of one of the overnight bags that was sitting on the floor and stumble forward before catching herself against the counter with her still bandaged hand and wincing in what was so obviously pain before swearing under her breath and heading down the hallway toward the bathroom.

Clarke followed and allowed herself a little sigh of relief when she saw the bathroom door was still open. Peaking inside, she found Lexa standing at the sink and messing with the bandage on her hand. “Here,” she said as she stepped inside and closed the door. “Let me.”  
“Clarke,” Lexa turned and shook her head. “I’m fine.”  
“Shh,” Clarke shushed her quickly and took her hand, instantly shaking her head when she saw the crimson color seeping through. “Fine my ass,” she mumbled as she began to unwrap it.  
“It’s nothing,” Lexa insisted and shook her head. “I just popped it open again.”  
“Again?” Clarke’s eyes snapped up. “How many times have you reopened it?”  
“Just a couple,” Lexa shrugged rather sheepishly and looked at the floor.  
Clarke felt her eyes narrow in slight annoyance. Really? Ugh – this woman.

A few minutes later, when Lexa's hand was cleaned and rewrapped, Clarke gave her a peck on the cheek and turned to leave the room but stopped suddenly when two arms came around her waist and she felt Lexa pull their bodies together and hold her there. 

Closing her eyes at the sensation of their bodies pressed together, Clarke released a small sigh and then shivered as she felt Lexa’s shaky breath against her ear. “Lex…” she whispered as her skin began to tingle.  
Lexa shook her head and tightened her grip, slowly brushing her nose along her neck and breathing her in.  
Clarke’s eyes rolled a bit as every nerve ending in her body seemed to jolt with a shock that settled in her core, creating an instant pool of warmth between her thighs. Fuck.  
“Clarke,” Lexa’s voice came out low and heavy as her nails dug in a little deeper. “I…”  
“What?” Clarke questioned, trying and failing to shake off the buzzing that had begun under her skin.  
Lexa’s hand slipped lower, her soft fingers began gently caressing the bare skin of her thigh, as if asking a question.  
Clarke turned, her body beginning to ache with need and before she could utter a single word, Lexa’s lips were on her – soft and warm, and moving in time with her own as wandering hands gripped at her body, pulling her closer before spinning them around and pushing her back against the vanity. “Lexa,” she gasped lightly, knowing that the want in her voice was more than obvious because even though it had only been a week, it had been a week too long.  
“Please,” Lexa whispered as she trailed a line of hot kisses along her throat and down her neck, pausing for a moment to nip adoringly at her most favorite spot.  
Clarke’s body jumped the feeling and an intoxicating sensation quickly clouded her mind. “Please what, baby?” She questioned almost breathlessly. “What do you need?”  
“I need you,” Lexa answered firmly, undoing her blouse and continuing her trail of kisses lower and lower, until finally, her knees planted against the tile.  
“Fuck,” Clarke sighed, feeling Lexa’s soft hands move up her thighs until her fingers hooked into her undeniably ruined panties and then she paused, just lingering for a moment. “Don’t stop,” she shook her head desperately, because - God, did she need her too. “Please...”

They would have to be quiet, that much she knew – with all of their friends right down the hall, a single sound and they would most definitely never hear the end of it. 

Slowly, Lexa slid the fabric down her legs and tossed it aside before kissing and caressing her way back up her thighs and lifting her skirt out of the way. The moment that Lexa’s skillful tongue stroked its way through her already dripping folds though, Clarke knew that any caution that she might have had just a moment before was long gone because, Holy Mary, Mother of God – did that feel fucking incredible. As her head dropped back, her fingers tangled into dark locks and one of the filthiest moans she had ever produced broke from her chest and she was lost – totally fucking lost and loving every second of it.

Clarke leaned back against the vanity, allowing Lexa to lift one of her legs and drape it over her shoulder, causing her hips to begin a steady cadence of their own volition. The feeling in her core quickly began to escalate and then radiate and before long it was everywhere – just everywhere and she could barely even think, let alone consider attempting to be quiet. “Jesus fucking Christ, baby,” she whined as a light sheen of sweat spread across her overheating skin.

God, Lexa was going to be the death of her – the absolute fucking death of her. 

Gripping the edge of the vanity with her free hand, she tried to steady herself and let out another rather loud moan as Lexa lips captured her swollen clit, drawing it in as her tongue twirled and swirled, lifting her higher and higher and sending her barreling toward the edge of insanity before expertly tipping her over and then lovingly helping her ride out her high.

“God,” Clarke breathed as she pulled Lexa to her feet and crashed their lips together, moaning into her mouth and gripping the front of her shirt, because fuck, if she didn’t still feel like she was about to float away. “What the hell was that?”  
“I told you that I missed you,” Lexa smirked lightly as she pressed their foreheads together. “Though, we should probably get back out there now.”  
Clarke blinked out of her daze and looked at her. Shit. “Yeah,” she nodded as she stepped away and slipped back into her panties. “We probably should, but don’t think for a second that this is over.”  
“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Lexa assured her with a small grin. 

After taking a quick moment to freshen up and compose themselves, the pair made their way back down the hallway and into the living where it was honestly no surprise to find all of their friends sitting oddly silent and looking both embarrassed and humored at the same time.

“You thirsty ass motherf…”  
“Raven,” Anya warned her with a sideward glance.  
“Fine,” Raven rolled her eyes playfully. “At least tell me you disinfected the room afterward.”  
Clarke stood staring at her, trying to contain her laughter as slight blush bloomed on her cheeks.  
“I knew that I forgot something,” Lexa nodded and turned on her heel, quickly retreating back down the hallway. That little shit.  
“You two are unbelievable, really,” Raven chuckled as she dropped back down on the couch next to Jasper, who nodded along in agreement, but smiled all the same.  
Clarke felt her eyebrow raise slightly as a rather wicked smirk played on her lips. Oh really? “Actually,” she said as she crossed the room and picked up a beer, “Unbelievable would be what happened on that couch a few weeks ago.”

As her words sunk in, Raven and Jasper instantly jumped to their feet and shook their bodies as the room exploded with laughter.

“Oh, come on!” Jasper exclaimed and instantly stomped his foot.  
“So fucking rude, Griff!” Raven declared as she crossed the room and dropped down onto Anya’s lap.

A moment later Lexa returned and came up behind her, wrapping her arms around her waist and nuzzling into her neck. “Did you just do what I think you did?” She whispered.  
“Mhm,” Clarke hummed happily as she gripped onto her hands. "I did."  
“But Clarke,” Lexa chuckled into her hair, “it isn’t true.”  
“They don’t need to know that,” Clarke shrugged as she leaned back against her, feeling quite content with herself.  
Lexa laughed again and shook her head before placing a kiss on her temple.  
“Relax, I’ll tell them eventually,” Clarke assured her.

Maybe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that my updates have been pretty scarce lately. Hopefully if the content of this chapter doesn't make up for it, the length will.


	78. Chapter 78

Lexa’s eyes blinked open slowly as she woke and after releasing a heavy sigh, she simply laid there for a moment just staring at the wall. It had been a long weekend – a good one, no doubt, but still long. On Friday she had been slightly worried that with of the thoughts that she had jammed into her head that the entire weekend would just be a total loss, but in the end it hadn’t been. It hadn’t been at all – in fact, if anything, having everyone there with her actually helped and talking to Bellamy helped. 

Bellamy Blake, the quintessential big brother, wasted little time in seizing the moment and calling her out. Not in a bad way and not for what had happened – no, but rather more for the way that he, and everyone else, knew that she was getting down on herself about the whole thing. Much like Clarke, he had the words that could simply counter how she was feeling and he knew just how to use them.

Rolling over in the bed, Lexa stretched, quickly glancing to her right when her hand was met with nothing, except bunched up sheets. Clarke was actually up before her? Well, holy shit. Had she slipped into some alternate universe in her sleep? 

Sitting up on the bed and scooting back against the headboard, Lexa briskly rubbed her fingers against her scalp and gave her head a good shake before grabbing her phone off of the nightstand and checking the time. It was late in the morning, but technically, still morning and being that it was Sunday and their weekend was slowly coming to a close, she was sure that most, if not all, of her friends were probably already awake and doing their thing, but still, where was Clarke? It seemed strange for her to not be there with her.

Getting to her feet, Lexa crossed the room to her dresser, retrieved a tank top and pulled it over her head before slipping into a pair of slacks and grabbing a shirt from the closet. Slipping her arms inside of it though, she paused when something on the other nightstand caught her attention. Approaching it rather slowly, Lexa felt her eyes narrow and her jaw clench as her eyes fell on a picture that Clarke had apparently drawn while she was asleep – a picture of her and as she picked it up, something dark began to rumble in her chest. What the…

“Hey, you’re awake,” Clarke said with a smile as she came through the door. “I brought you some coffee.”  
Lexa turned and stared at her, feeling her pulse begin to thump in her ears. “You drew me,” she said evenly.  
Clarke paused and looked at her. “Yeah,” she said, before setting the mug down and reaching for the picture. “I woke up and everyone was still asleep. It’s not finished yet, but I’ll…”  
“Don’t,” Lexa cut her off rather shortly, her tone weighted and firm.  
“Don’t what?” Clarke questioned as her brow furrowed slightly. “Finish it?”  
“Draw me,” Lexa answered as she dropped the picture down on the mattress and walked toward the door.  
“Like, at all?” Clarke asked as she turned, staring at her in obvious confusion.  
Lexa paused with her hand on the doorknob and squeezed it tightly. Damn right. “At all,” she confirmed though her gritted teeth, feeling her heart pounding furiously in her chest.  
“Lex, I…” Clarke started as she approached her carefully.  
“Clarke, don’t,” Lexa shook her head, but didn’t move. Seriously – don’t, not right now.  
“Look, I’m sorry,” Clarke blurted out quickly, sounding undeniably sincere. “I didn’t know that it would upset you.”  
Lexa felt a tremor of pure annoyance move through her body as her jaw snapped shut again. Really?  
“Honestly, I didn’t,” Clarke said as she moved to touch her arm. “Please, don’t be mad.”  
Lexa stepped back, moving out of her reach and leaning against the dresser as she bit down on her tongue and shook her head, focusing her gaze on the floor.

She was angry – really fucking angry and damn it, it was already slipping out of her grasp. Fuck – just fuck! Damn it!

“Okay,” Clarke’s tone came out with just a tiniest trace of annoyance. “Or be mad.”  
Lexa eyes snapped up as a pang fired off in her chest. “I am fucking mad,” she spat at her instantly.  
“I can see that,” Clarke shot back at her. “But, why?”  
“Because, you shouldn’t have,” Lexa glared at her, feeling her body flush with heat. “It’s not right for you to draw me again, not when you know how badly I want you to talk to me about the other picture that you sold and you still won’t give me a damn inch.”  
Clarke’s eyes widened in plain shock. “I’m sorry,” she repeated firmly. “I didn’t think about it like that,”  
“Well, you should have,” Lexa sneered at her and crossed her arms. “Or better yet – just talk to me about it already.”  
Clarke shook her head again, honestly looking almost pained and took a step back. “I can’t,” she responded quietly.  
“Why?” Lexa practically yelled at her. “What is the big fucking secret?”  
“I need time,” Clarke bit back at her as her blue eyes turned steely. “Why can’t you just give me that?”  
“I have given you that,” Lexa pointed out quickly. Plenty of fucking time.  
“Lexa,” Clarke shook her head and took a step forward, quickly taking one of her hands in her own and cupping her cheek with the other. “Please, just trust me on this,” she implored her as she gently thumbed her cheek.

The moment Clarke’s skin came into contact with hers, Lexa felt her temper start to subside and damn it, if she didn’t sometimes hate how Clarke could do that. 

Looking up, Lexa allowed their eyes to meet for a moment and felt another shot fire off, deep within her chest.  
Something flickered in Clarke’s eyes and she dropped her hand, looking genuinely saddened as she took a step back. “You don’t,” she whispered in realization. “Do you?”  
Lexa just stared at her, finding that her words had become tightly lodged in her throat. Seriously? It wasn’t true – not at all, but in that moment, it didn’t even matter, because everything else inside of her was already completely out of her control. Shit. Turning on her heel, she exited the room quickly and crossed the hall into the bathroom, closing the door quite loudly behind her. 

Standing in front of the mirror, Lexa planted her hands on either side of the vanity and stared into the sink as she tried to calm the firestorm that had set itself off her chest. Fuck. She was angry – so fucking angry and she had every right to be, but still, fuck! Clarke drew her. She fucking drew her. She shouldn’t do that. She couldn’t do that – not anymore, not if she still wasn’t willing to talk about the other picture. It was just – it was wrong. Feeling the tightness straining inside of her chest, Lexa squeezed her eyes shut and gripped the edges of the vanity harder. 

It was childish, so fucking childish, the rational part of her brain knew that – it did, but she didn’t care. Clarke knew – hell, everyone knew how badly she wanted to know what had happened to the other picture of her, so for Clarke to just go ahead and draw her again – without even asking for her permission, that was just like a sharp slap in the face and it hurt! 

She had tried not to think about the portrait since the last time that she and Clarke had discussed it – really she had, but at the same time – fuck, it was always there, always in the back of her mind. That burning fucking question that she couldn’t get away from and nothing – nothing, not even the fact that they were actually together now, seemed to make Clarke show even the slightest hint of breaking her silence on the topic. She said that she couldn’t – but was that really what it was? Was it really that she couldn’t or simply that she wouldn’t? What the fuck was it?

Turning on the faucet, Lexa quickly splashed some water on her face and took several steadying breaths. Okay. Okay. Fuck. She needed to calm down – she needed to calm down right now and focus. The last thing that she needed was to explode in front of all of her friends – again, more or less. It would be fine. It would be. There was no reason to make a scene – no reason to fight. She had told Clarke not to draw her and she was pretty sure from the look on her face that Clarke could tell that she wasn’t happy about the fact that she had, but they could deal with that more later. Now it was just time to calm down and move away from it. Her point had been made and that was enough – for now, at least.

Exiting the bathroom, Lexa made a beeline though her apartment and into the kitchen, trying, and failing, to ignore the way that everyone was looking at her as she made herself a cup of coffee, before remembering that there was already one waiting for her in her bedroom. Damn it. 

She could feel it – their curious eyes on her, burrowing into her, trying to figure out what had happened. Well crap – that’s what you get for raising your voice and slamming the door, stupid. She didn’t fault their curiosity – not at all, it was all a part of the package that makes this family what it is, but at the same time – ugh, not right now.

Feeling someone come up behind her, Lexa dropped her spoon onto the counter and let out a slightly aggravated huff. “What?”  
“You tell me,” Anya responded simply.  
“It’s not a big deal,” Lexa shook her head and took a sip of her coffee.  
“Really?” Anya crossed her arms and tilted her head a bit. “The way that Clarke ran out of here says otherwise.”  
Lexa’s head snapped around and for the first time she noticed that Clarke, Octavia and Raven were nowhere to be seen. “Clarke left?” She asked turning back to her sister. Well shit.  
Anya nodded. “What happened?”  
Lexa shook her head. Fuck. “She drew me – while I was asleep,” she answered and set her mug back on the counter.  
Anya rolled her eyes slightly and shook her head. “And you got angry,” she finished for her. “We’ve already had this conversation, squirt.”  
“I know,” Lexa groaned as she dropped her head back. 

It wasn’t like she had planned on getting angry or anything and honestly, there was even a part of her that knew that her anger was probably a little bit unreasonable, but at the same time, she just couldn’t help it – it just happened and now here they were. Ugh. Fucking crap.

“Why did you get angry?” Bellamy questioned curiously. “I mean, that’s just what Clarke does.”  
“Because,” Lexa answered and crossed her arms, knowing full well that she was closely resembling petulant child, but she was completely unable to care at the moment.  
“Because?” Bellamy urged her to continue.  
Anya sighed and shook her head again. “Because Clarke still won’t talk to her about the picture of her that she sold,” she explained for her.  
“Ah,” Bellamy nodded. “I see.”  
“But, Clarke doesn’t talk to anybody about that,” Lincoln spoke up. “She never has. Octavia was living with her when she sold it and even she doesn’t know who bought it.”  
“That is so not the point,’ Lexa shook her head. It wasn’t – not at all. “The point is that we’re together now and still, all that she says is that she can’t talk about it, but then she goes and draws me again – like it’s nothing. She didn’t even ask if it was okay – she just did it and it pissed me off.”  
Bellamy shook his head and pushed his fingers through his hair, clearly not seeing the big deal. “Wasted energy,” he told her. “Going off on her isn’t going to get you any answers. Clarke does things in her own time.”  
Lexa felt a twinge in her jaw and shook her head. Duh? Everyone knew that, but still.  
“She said that she can’t though,” Lincoln pointed out, catching the word, “not that she won’t.”  
Lexa sighed and leaned back against the counter. “She said that she needs time,” she explained with a brisk shrug, not appreciating the way that the room seemed to be pressing in on her.  
“Then you give her time,” Lincoln responded simply. “No brainer.”  
Lexa stared at him, feeling that annoyance creeping back into her chest. “I have given her time,” she informed him firmly.  
“Clearly, not enough.” Lincoln shook his head.  
“You don’t get it,” Lexa said with a slight huff and rolled her eyes slightly.  
“No, you don’t get it,” Lincoln shot to his feet, looking quite annoyed now. “We were all here after you left. We saw what Clarke went through – how devastated she was,” he fired at her angrily. “You might have heard about it, but you didn’t see it and the one thing I know is that after that picture was gone – she started to get better. She wasn’t perfect and she certainly wasn’t happy, but she was better.”  
Lexa glared at him, feeling every muscle in her body tense at the same time. 

She was shocked to say the least, an outburst like that was totally uncharacteristic of Lincoln, but at the same time - the fucking nerve. As if she could ever forget what she had put Clarke through?

“He's right, you know.” Jasper nodded from his seat on the couch. “She did start to get better after it was gone.”  
Lexa looked around the room seeing everyone, including her own sister, nodding in agreement and as her blood began to boil, rational thought jumped out of the window, leaving nothing behind it but a cloud of fury and reasonable or not, she was completely lost in it. They all needed to leave – now.

Turning on her heel, Lexa stormed out onto the balcony and ripping the sliding door closed behind her, she dropped down into a chair, seething as she pinched firmly at the bridge of her nose, silently hoping that her point had been made clear.

Fuck them, if it wasn’t - they'd get it eventually.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...oops.


	79. Chapter 79

Clarke dropped down on to the bench in the lobby of Lexa’s apartment building and sobbed into her hands. She had to get out of there – she just had too. After their argument in the bedroom, her emotions were about to boil over and she just couldn’t stay there and have everyone see, or rather hear, her lose it. There was something in that look, something that had hit her square in the chest and in that moment, it was more than she could stand. She wasn’t running away though – she wasn’t, not really. She just needed get away for a few minutes – just to take some time away from the crowd to sit and cry and set herself right before she faced them all again, before she faced Lexa.

Lexa.

God – she had gotten so mad, so fucking mad and it wasn’t that she didn’t have the right to – she absolutely did and honestly, Clarke couldn’t even fault her for it, but still, it was just all so unexpected and she hadn’t been at all prepared for it. She should have realized that doing another drawing of Lexa would upset her, really she should have, but damn it, she simply didn’t even think about it. She had just gotten so unbelievably captivated in watching her sleep that before she even realized it, she found herself reaching for the first she could find to immortalize the moment. She had never meant to do anything wrong. She had never meant to hurt or even upset Lexa in any way, but now in hindsight, ugh, it was so fucking inconsiderate – so fucking stupid and naturally it led them right back to the whereabouts of the other picture and now fuck – just, fuck, another fucking argument about it.

It wasn’t that she didn’t want to tell Lexa where the picture was – that wasn’t it. Granted yes, it was true, she did turn into an absolute bitch when the topic came up and when Lexa had first come back and inquired about the picture, there would have been no way that she would have given her even a shred of information on it – no way in hell, that she would have let her get the upper hand, however, moving forward, she had never expected for things to happen the way that they did or for them to end up where they were – not at all and now, fuck, it just wasn’t even like that anymore. No. It wasn't that she didn't want to tell her, in fact, the actual truth was far less impressive and maybe even kind of ridiculous, regardless of the fact that it was true. 

She was afraid. That picture had meant so much to both of them – too much and she was afraid to admit what had really happened to it and more than that, she was afraid of what it would do to them. Would Lexa hate her for being so careless? Would this be the thing that finally broke them for good? 

“Hey,” Octavia’s voice filled her ears as an arm wrapped around her shoulders. “Clarke, what happened?”  
Clarke looked up to find both Raven and Octavia looking at her with soft, concerned eyes. “I fucked up,” she answered, knowing that those words spoke volumes to the situation.  
“What do you mean, fucked up?” Raven questioned as she dropped down next to her. “Fucked up how?”  
“I drew Lexa,” Clarke answered, keeping it simple. “I never even thought about it. I couldn’t go back to sleep this morning and she was just there and she looked – God, she just looked so fucking beautiful and I just got caught up and I didn’t think,” she paused and drew a breath. “And then she saw it and…” her voice faded off as she wiped the moisture from her cheeks and shook her head.  
“She got mad at you because you drew her?” Octavia asked as her brow furrowed lightly.  
Clarke nodded. Yep – very much so. “But, I know that it’s more because of the other picture. I'm pretty sure that that's a huge part of it,” she explained quickly. “Because I still haven’t talked to her about it.”  
“Still?” Raven questioned her, clearly surprised by the information. “I mean, we all know how you feel about it, but with the way things are between the two of you now, I didn’t think that it would be a problem anymore.”  
Clarke shook her head, feeling another flood of tears rushing to her eyes. Fuck.

That was the thing. There was a problem, granted, she didn’t even know about it until shortly before Lexa reappeared in their lives, but that didn’t even matter. What mattered was what happened and what happened was her fault – she fucked up and she knew it and though the knowledge of the whole thing had honestly knocked her on her ass and broken her even further, she had been determined to fix it from moment that it came to her attention. The process had been slow however and when Lexa suddenly came back, she had indirectly made it go even slower because she was just so fucking consuming and distracting, but she had gotten back to it – doubling her efforts even. Unfortunately though, she was currently at a point where she was hitting a wall and she just needed more time, but now time itself, was working against her. 

“Why haven’t you talked to her about it?” Octavia questioned her as she began to rub at her back.  
“Because, I can’t,” Clarke shook her head. So fucking can’t. “I need…”

The elevator suddenly dinged at the opposite end of the hall and as the doors opened out stepped Bellamy, Lincoln, Monty and Jasper, all with their arms full of bags, clearly heading out. What the hell? It was still early. Where was everyone going - and why?

“What’s up?” Octavia asked curiously. “Are we leaving already?”  
“She kicked us out,” Bellamy nodded as he dropped his bag at their feet. “Well, more or less – regardless, we got the point.”  
“Wait, what? What happened?” Clarke questioned, completely surprised by his answer. Lexa kicked them out – what the what?  
“I think that one is on me,” Lincoln answered as he stuffed his hand into his pocket and cast his gaze to the floor.  
“What happened?” Clarke questioned again.  
“I kind of yelled at her,” Lincoln answered, still looking at the floor with his shoulders hunched forward.  
Clarke felt her jaw slip as her eyes went wide.

Lincoln yelled at Lexa? Lincoln? That didn’t make any sense at all. Lincoln rarely ever raised his voice – ever and certainly never at any of them. What the hell happened in the short time that they had been downstairs? Okay, wait. Hang on. Fuck. Let’s just back it up a bit here.

“Lincoln,” Clarke kept her tone even, but gentle. “What happened?”

Lincoln took a deep breath and began to explain everything that had transpired from the moment that Lexa had emerged from the bathroom. It wasn’t that bad honestly, hell, what had happened in the bedroom had been, by far, worse, but it was obvious by the end that Lincoln definitely had mixed feelings about the way that he had reacted and Clarke couldn’t help but feel for him because really, it was just so unlike him to lose him temper like that, however mild it may have been.

“Okay,” Clarke sighed, shaking her head as she got to her feet. “While I appreciate you all backing me – I’m really the one in the wrong here. If I had just sat down and talked to Lexa about the picture, none of this probably would have even happened.”  
“You told her that you needed time,” Bellamy pointed out.  
“And she’s given me time,” Clarke countered honestly. “More than enough even.”  
“So, what now then?” Octavia chimed in.  
Clarke stood there for a moment and bit the inside of her lip. Well, fuck. “Now, I go and talk to her about it,” she answered with a small shrug.  
“Where’s Anya?” Raven questioned, suddenly taking in her absence.  
“She’s still up there,” Jasper motioned to the elevator.  
“She wanted to try and talk to her,” Lincoln clarified with a nod.

Clarke took a deep breath and walked toward the elevator. She could do this. She could. She had to. It was time. She couldn’t put it off – not anymore. Regardless of the outcome or how much it scared her, she owed Lexa an answer. She owed her information. She owed her, an explanation.

Knocking on Lexa’s door just minutes later, Clarke was not at all surprised when it was Anya who answered it. “Hey,” she said softly.  
“Clarke, I really don’t think…” Anya started.  
“I need to talk to her,” Clarke shook her head. Shit. Please? “It’s important.”  
Anya looked at her with sympathetic eyes and sighed. “Lexa,” she called over her shoulder.  
“I’m right here,” Lexa’s voice flowed from the apartment.  
Glancing inside, Clarke saw her leaning against the wall with her hands buried in her pockets and a saddened look in her eyes and it caused her heart to clench and sink.  
“Okay,” Anya nodded as she motioned her inside. “I’ll leave you two to it.”

When Anya was gone the two simply stared at each other for a moment, neither willing to speak quite yet. God, this was going to be hard.

Clarke moved to the table and sat there fidgeting with the seam on her pant leg until Lexa sat down across from her.  
“I’m sorry that I yelled at you,” Lexa said after a beat with her eyes showing nothing but truth in her apology. “I just – seeing that you drew me again, it hurt and I just…I…”  
“I know,” Clarke nodded, “but you really don’t have to apologize. I’m the one who should be apologizing to you. I should have thought about how it would make you feel or at the very least – asked for permission to draw you. That was my mistake and I’m sorry," she paused and took a breath. "However, that’s not really what I wanted to talk about.”  
“What do you want to talk about?” Lexa questioned, folding her hands in front of her nervously as her brow furrowed slightly.  
“The picture,” Clarke answered softly, her eyes drifting down for a second, because shit, she could already feel the moisture building in them.  
Lexa’s eyebrows popped up in obvious surprise. “Okay,” she responded in a voice that was barely audible.

A weighted moment hung between them as Clarke struggled to find her words. This wasn't how she wanted to do this - nope, not at all. She had wanted to fix it first and then explain it all afterward. That was what she wanted, what she really wanted, but this - this was what Lexa needed.

Swallowing hard, Clarke brought her eyes up to meet Lexa’s gaze. “I’ve been actively avoiding talking to you about who bought the picture – about where it is and everything,” she stated carefully, her bottom lip now beginning to tremble.  
“I know that you have,” Lexa nodded and leaned forward eagerly, her eyes soft, but burning nevertheless. “But, I just – I can’t understand why you won’t tell me where it is,” she added. “Considering everything that has happened - everything that has changed, how could you still not want me to get it back?”  
"That's not it," Clarke fought to keep her voice steady. “I haven't told you yet, because I can’t,” she added and held her breath.  
“But why?” Lexa shook her head, her brow knitting up once more. “Why can’t you?”  
Clarke closed her eyes, willing her tears not to fall as she slowly released her breath and sent out a silent prayer to every single deity that she could think of. “Because I don’t know,” she finally admitted. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What can I even say here?  
> Fire at will.


	80. Chapter 80

Lexa felt her left eye twitch slightly as she took a moment to let Clarke’s words absorb into her brain before her own thoughts finally began to formulate and her world began to spin around her. Out of everything – anything that she might have expected Clarke to say, that, was definitely not on the list – hell, it wasn’t even anywhere near the list.

Don’t know? What does that even mean? How the fuck? That didn’t make any sense. She doesn’t know? That’s insane. How could she not know? Okay. Wait. Hang on. Deep breath. Just stop. Don't freak out.

Feeling a pang fire off in her chest, Lexa got to her feet and crossed the room into the kitchen, silently thanking herself for having the sense enough to take half of one of her pills right after everyone had left the apartment because although it was already pretty bad, she had a feeling that it was about to get a whole lot worse. Retrieving two glasses from the cabinet and a half full bottle of vodka, she returned to the table quietly and dropped down into her seat before pouring a small amount into each glass and recapping the bottle. 

Okay. Okay. Calm is key here. 

Taking a small sip from her glass, Lexa finally chanced a glance at Clarke. Everything about her in that moment seemed to scream echoes of sadness and pain. The dullness in her eyes that were wet with tears that had yet to fall. The slouch in her shoulders, as though she were being weighed down somehow and the prominent bend in her trembling lips. She looked defeated and broken and Lexa couldn’t help the way that her heart ached at the sight.

“Will you explain?” Lexa asked, keeping her tone as neutral as possible.  
Clarke nodded painfully slow. “Just bear with me, okay?”  
Lexa nodded. Not much choice there.  
Clarke drew a steadying breath and started. “We need to go back a bit – quite a bit actually,” she explained, her voice still shaking slightly. “Do you remember when you asked me how I bought the gallery?”  
Lexa thought back for a moment. Yes. “You said with money,” she answered.  
“Right,” Clarke nodded again and began to fidget with her fingers. “When I found out that Kane was going to close the gallery, buying it seemed like a good idea. Like I said, I knew the business, so it made sense. I made him an offer and surprisingly, he accepted it. He had already been putting together plans for this like, closing out show – to just get rid of everything, so I asked him if I could put my work in as well – you know, to sell it off and raise at least some of the money that I needed to purchase the gallery. I wasn’t doing anything with it anyway. I didn’t really need it anymore.”  
“So, you sold…” Lexa started as her eyes went wide.  
Clarke shook her head. “Let me finish,” she said softly. “Please?”  
Lexa bit down on her tongue and nodded as she rubbed firmly at her clavicle. 

Fucking crap. Okay. Deep breath – let her talk.

Clarke picked up her glass and took a sip. “Okay, so um, I collected all of my work – including that piece, because I…I just…I couldn’t look at it anymore. It just…” she paused with tears visibly building in her eyes and swallowed hard. “Anyway, I sorted through everything, decided what to sell, what to keep and what to just toss and then because Kane had already accepted my offer, he agreed to let me store anything that I wanted to keep there – being that the space was going to be mine anyway,” she shrugged. “At the time, everything was pretty chaotic and it was all happening really fast, but when it was over I took a loan from my parents for the difference and the rest of that, as they say, is history.”

Lexa leaned back in her seat and tried to stretch out her chest muscles. She could still feel the tension that had settled there after their argument earlier, but she was really trying to ignore it so that she could focus on the rambling words that were tumbling from Clarke’s lips. There had to be a point here, right?

Clarke downed the rest of her drink and got to her feet. “So, about a month or so before you came back, I was working late at the gallery and I was going through some old paperwork that Kane had left behind,” she explained rather quickly as she started to pace. “It was mostly just stupid stuff – junk that I had tucked away – nothing that I really wanted or needed to deal with at the time.”  
Lexa nodded to show that she was still following along and took another sip from her glass.  
“Well, I came across a couple carbon copies of receipts from work of mine that he had sold during the closing out show - one in particular caught my attention,” Clarke paused and shook her head. “I just sat there staring at it – just reading the name of the piece over and over again. I thought it had to be a mistake – it had to be because that piece hadn’t been for sale!” She snapped as her cheeks burned red. “And then I just fucking lost it. I bolted to the storage room like a psycho and just started to rip through everything. I was so sure that it had to be a mistake.”

Lexa felt her brow furrow and her heart broke as the image of what that probably looked like flashed in her mind. Knowing Clarke the way that she did, she was quite sure that the scene included a lot of screaming and crying.

“But, it wasn’t a mistake,” Clarke said as a tear slipped out of her eye. “It wasn't. The picture was gone and I don’t even know how it happened. It must have gotten mixed in with everything that I had set aside to sell and I missed...” she stopped and dropped her head, letting out a heavy sigh.  
Lexa just stared at her, feeling suddenly confused. “But, weren’t you there for the show?”  
Clarke shook her head and looked up. “I didn’t need to be – or even want to be,” she answered quickly. “It wasn’t a normal showcase. Kane didn’t need me. It wasn’t like I was trying to promote myself or my art or – anything. It was just about the money – the work was either going to sell or it wasn’t. I didn’t care either way. My parents had already agreed to loan me whatever I needed to make up the difference.”

But… But…Hang on.

“You told everyone that you sold it though,” Lexa said with an almost accusing tone as she leaned forward on the table. “You told them that.”  
Clarke bit her lip and shook her head again. “I lied,” she admitted shortly.  
Lexa felt her eyes narrow on their own. Seriously? “Why would you lie about that?”  
Clarke looked at the floor again and continued to shake her head. “I tried so hard to hate you,” she responded shakily, “and I wanted everyone to believe that I did.”  
Lexa felt her features soften and her heart sink a bit as Anya’s words echoed in her ears.

– Just like I never doubted your love for Clarke, I’ve never doubted hers for you – not even when she was trying to hate you, hell, not even when she claimed that she had succeeded in it. – 

Lexa got to her feet and began to pace as she rubbed the back of her neck.

Fuck. Just fuck. This was a tough one – really it was and there was no distinct way to describe everything that she was feeling. There was an honest to God clusterfuck of emotions surging through her and she didn’t have the slightest idea what to say or do at the moment. All things considered, she felt anger and pain – sadness and sorrow, but oddly enough, at the same time, there was a sense of relief to finally find out what had happened to it, but also to know that Clarke didn’t sell it because she didn't care or with any malicious intent or even willingly for that matter. It was a mistake and it was quite obvious that she was absolutely heartbroken over the whole thing.

“I fucked up,” Clarke said suddenly, “I was careless and I fucked up and I am so sorry, Lex, but I swear, I never meant for that picture to get sold,“ she croaked and shook her head. “I didn’t and when I realized that it was gone…I…it was like losing you all over again…and I...” her words broke off in a sob.  
Lexa felt her heart ache inside her chest again as the sound filled her ears and wasting no time, she stepped forward and pulled her into her arms. “Shh,” she breathed gently.  
“I wanted to tell you – I did,” Clarke sobbed harder as she fisted her shirt. “But, I was trying to fix it.”  
“Fix it how?” Lexa questioned her curiously.  
“Kane,” Clarke answered as she inched back brushed some tears off of her cheeks. “I’m hoping that he will remember who bought it or at least have something. All that I have is what I found that night.”  
“Shouldn’t there be a record?” Lexa questioned her. “A name on the receipt?”  
“You would think, wouldn’t you?” Clarke scoffed and shook her head. “But, it’s just gibberish – a scribble.”  
Lexa shook her head and rolled her eyes. Brilliant. “Well, where is he?”  
Clarke scoffed again and stepped out of her embrace as she walked back to the table and poured herself another drink. “This fricken guy,” she shook her head and took a sip of her drink. “It took me months to track him down, only to find out that he’s off on some unplugged from the world, path to self-discovery – thing.”  
“Seriously?” Lexa felt her face twist up. You have got to be kidding. “He hardly seems the type.”  
Clarke shrugged and took another sip of her drink, before setting her glass back down and clearing her throat. “Are you mad?”  
“I’m…” Lexa paused and thought for a moment. Nope, that word doesn't work - not even close. “I’m a lot of things.”  
Clarke nodded in understanding and dropped her gaze slightly. “Are we okay?” She asked rather nervously.  
Lexa felt her brow furrow instantly. “What do you mean?”  
“Are we okay?” Clarke repeated, still not meeting her eye. “Like, do you not want to be…”  
“Whoa,” Lexa stepped forward and cupped her cheek. “Clarke, did you really think that I would leave you because of this?”  
Clarke looked up at her with tear filled eyes and shrugged. “I was scared,” she answered in a shaky whisper.  
Lexa felt the weight of her heart increase tenfold as she shook her head and pulled her into a hug. God, did they have to get passed this fear.

Soon after, they were curled up on the couch together, just enjoying the silence and the comfort in each other’s presence. They had spent a little more time talking about the picture. Talking about why Clarke had needed to take it down, about why she acted the way that she did and even got further into what she had been going through in trying to track it down. It was a lot to find out, a lot to take in, but in the end, Lexa couldn’t really be angry with her. It was just a mistake - an honest, simple mistake and Clarke had clearly been torturing herself enough about it already.

“I will find it,” Clarke said firmly as she curled into her side. “I just need time.”  
“Hm,” Lexa hummed in response and closed her eyes briefly before a bell suddenly went off in her head. Wait…time. “Clarke, there is something that I have to ask,” she said as she shifted on the couch a little.  
“What?” Clarke looked up at her curiously.  
“What is with that ridiculous, obnoxious clock that you have hanging in your hallway?” Lexa questioned as she rolled her eyes slightly.  
Clarke blushed a little and smiled lightly. “My father bought it for me,” she answered quietly.  
Lexa mentally facepalmed herself. Fucking crap - of course he did. Open mouth, insert foot. “He bought you a broken clock?”  
“No, it wasn’t broken when he gave it to me.” Clarke shook her head as she fiddled with the buttons on her shirt. “I um, I broke it the night that I realized that the sketch was gone.”  
“Oh,” Lexa nodded. “Why?”  
“Because I thought that he was wrong,” Clarke shrugged slightly. “See, when he gave it to me he said that time heals everything,” she chuckled and shook her head. “When I got home that night, after ripping the gallery apart and everything, I was a mess and when I saw the clock, I just got so angry because time wasn’t healing anything – it was just making everything worse.”  
“So, what did you do?” Lexa asked as she tucked her hair behind her ear.  
“I threw my phone at it,’ Clarke answered as though it should have been obvious. “Broke them both.”  
Lexa couldn’t help but laugh. “But then decided to only fix one?”  
“The other one didn’t need to be fixed.” Clarke responded matter-of-factly. “It wasn’t working anyway.”  
Lexa smiled and gave her a small nod. “Well, maybe we could get it fixed now?”  
“You just said that it was ridiculous and obnoxious,” Clarke pointed out quickly.  
Lexa nodded. Fair point and still totally true, however... “I’ve had a change of heart,” she grinned.  
“Yeah?” Clarke questioned her with a wide smile as that lovely sparkle reappeared in her eyes.  
“Yeah,” Lexa smiled back at her before leaning in and pressing their lips together.

Their day had been chaotic, that much was definitely true - just another run on the emotional rollercoaster that they seemed to be constantly riding, but Lexa would take it – she would always take it, because every single second of chaos was worth these simple moments of calm. It really wasn’t a secret that they still had things that they needed to work on – things that they needed to work through, but she had no doubt that they would. 

They just needed time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All good things in time.


	81. Chapter 81

Anya slid into the booth next to Raven and shook her head with a sigh. After joining the rest of the group in the lobby, all of them had decided to dump their bags into their vehicles and make their way down the block to a small diner to grab something to eat. This wasn't how any of them had expected the day to go – not at all, but really there wasn’t anything that they could do about it other than go with it, so that’s what they did.

“So, how long do you think that they’ll be at it this time?” Octavia asked as she slipped out of her jacket.  
“With those two?” Raven shrugged as she shifted in her seat. “Who knows, but they’ll sort it out – they always do.”  
“I hate it when they fight,” Monty shook his head as he opened his menu.

Anya shook her head and pinched the bridge of her nose. They all hated it when Clarke and Lexa fought, but at the same time, as insane as it sounded – fighting seemed to work for them. Hell, all of them agreed that it had been that screaming match of theirs that had finally broken through the steel-like barrier between them and got them both really talking and actually moving forward.

“I don’t think that I helped the situation any,” Lincoln said as he fiddled with his fork with his shoulders slouched. “I really didn’t mean to snap at her,” he added as he rubbed the back of his head.  
“I know that you didn’t,” Anya told him. Truth be told, she had been surprised when Lincoln had jumped to his feet and snapped at Lexa. She wasn’t angry at him for it, just surprised.  
Lincoln looked up at her with honest regret showing in his eyes. “I just got frustrated with her,” he told her. “Like, if someone tells you that they need time or even space – especially your partner, you should respect that. Usually, there's a reason.”  
“I agree,” Octavia nodded as she leaned into his side. “Lexa should have backed off a bit. For whatever reason, Clarke really didn’t seem ready to talk about it and she shouldn’t have pushed her.”  
“Personally, I think that that’s debatable,” Raven shrugged. “I mean, how long has Lexa been waiting now?”   
“A while,” Anya nodded as she flipped through her menu. Too long in her opinion, but hey – that wasn’t her call.  
“Still,” Octavia shook her head. “To just go off like that on her for drawing her, like, everyone knows how Clarke is, especially when it comes to drawing or painting. She doesn’t think – she just does and Lexa just lit into her for it.”  
“And man, can Lexa go off at the drop of a hat anymore,” Jasper added from the other end of the table. “Clarke wasn’t in that room what – three minutes?”  
“I’m sure that she had her reasons,” Anya sighed and tucked her hair behind her ear. 

The truth was that she knew that she had her reasons, she just couldn’t explain them to anyone.

“The question is,” Jasper grinned at her, almost jokingly. “Were they good reasons?”  
“Good or bad,” Anya shrugged lazily. “They were hers and let’s be real – Clarke’s no saint either.”   
“I agree,” Raven added with a firm nod.  
“Oh, I totally do too,” Octavia agreed instantly. “Don’t get me wrong, Clarke can be an absolute bitch when she wants to be – we’ve all more than seen that.”  
Everyone nodded in agreement.

At that moment the waitress approached the table to take their drink order and the group simply decided to just order a whole ton of food on the spot and split it amongst themselves – covering quite the variety between the breakfast and lunch menus.

“Personally, I don’t think that any of us are saints,” Bellamy said as he leaned back in his chair. “But, do you think that maybe they should consider counseling or something?”  
Anya shook her head. No fricken way. “No,” she told him. “What they have works for them and anyway, the only doctor that Lexa would ever willing speak to is Abby.”  
“And considering the topic,” Raven added matter-of-factly, “that probably wouldn’t be recommended.”  
“Exactly,” Anya agreed. “No one needs their in-laws, more or less, knowing that much about their relationship – besides, Jake and Abby know more than enough already.”  
“We all do,” Octavia popped her eyebrows and looked at her menu.  
“In fairness,” Monty leaned forward. “I know just as much about you and Lincoln or Anya and Raven as I do about Clarke and Lexa – it’s not like much in any of our lives is a big secret.”  
Anya sighed and felt her shoulders drop a bit at this. 

While it was true that there really weren’t too many boundaries set between any of them – there never had been, it wasn’t necessarily true that there weren’t any secrets. Lexa’s anxiety was a secret – a big secret and also, in her opinion, part of the reason that several of them didn’t understand how Lexa’s mood could shift so suddenly. It was frustrating to say the least, to have to sit by and listen to their friends talk about her sisters mood swings and not be able to tell them that they really don't have a clue about the major factor behind them. Raven got it and that definitely helped, but still, no one else knew. They didn’t see it - couldn't see it and all because, for the most part, Lexa wouldn’t allow it. 

How different would everyone else’s opinions be if they knew that while they were all pulling their things together and getting ready to leave, Lexa was out on the balcony struggling to regain her composure and fighting against something that none of them could really understand? Oh, Lexa had been angry, that much was true - practically everyone had seen it, but for Lexa anger also came with a price and that price was pain - actual physical pain and watching her struggle with it was just awful.

Granted, it was true, she was hard on Lexa – harder than she was on anyone else, but all things considered, she had every right to be. Lexa was her sister – and her little sister at that. It was her job to be hard on her - the same way that it was her job to simply be there for her, no questions asked. That’s how it worked – how it had always worked and the reverse was true too. If she stepped out of line, the first person that she would expect to call her out was Lexa and if something happened and she just needed someone to be there for her, she had no doubt that her sister would be the first person at her side.

“That’s true,” Octavia admitted with a light chuckle. “I think that it’s safe to say that, as a group, we are all way too far up in each other’s business.”  
“Well, that goes without saying,” Bellamy grinned as he rolled his eyes and shook his head.  
Everyone began to laugh.

Anya leaned back in her seat and stared at them all as the waitress returned with their drinks. 

It was true – absolutely true. Anyone could argue that, as a group, they all knew way too much about each other’s lives, however, the by-product on that knowledge was the closeness that they all shared and that closeness was what made this group – this family, so damn incredible. They knew each other, got each other, respected each other’s differences and unconditionally loved each other. Yes, the last couple of years had created a slight bit of distance between them all, but they had in no way erased the bond that they all felt.

“I think that Lexa just needs to chill out a bit,” Jasper shrugged. “I mean, more often than not, she so damn serious now.”  
“Come on, she has chilled out a lot since she first came back,” Raven shook her head. “Give a little credit where it’s due.”  
Anya bit the inside of her cheek and through an appreciative glance at Raven.

It was true. Though Lexa had always been rather serious, the version of her that had come back months ago was definitely more uptight - borderline stuck-up even, but there were reasons and it was obvious, at least to her and Raven, that she was slowly making her way back to the way that she used to be – the same way that Clarke was, except that it was a bit more complicated.

“Fair enough,” Jasper nodded. “But when I agreed with Lincoln about Clarke starting to get better after the picture was gone, I thought that her fricken head was going to burst and all that I said was that he was right, because it’s true – we all saw it.”  
“True,” Octavia agreed as she picked up her glass. “But, I will also agree that she has relaxed quite a bit since she first came back.”  
“I agree too,” Monty added. “I was in the room when those two first came face to face again and it was pretty intimidating. If you would have told me x-amount of months later they’d be having an ice war in Anya’s kitchen,” he chuckled and shook his head.  
“Right?” Lincoln nodded. “That first weekend – man, it was almost like talking to a statue.”  
“Robot,” Raven corrected him as her phone buzzed on the table. “At least that’s what I told her.”  
“You did, didn’t you?” Octavia smiled at her. “I totally forgot about that. Very accurate.”  
“I thought so,” Raven replied with a grin as she picked up her phone and fired off a series of messages before setting it back down.  
“Everything alright?” Anya questioned her curiously.  
“That was Clarke,” Raven nodded. “Her and Lexa were curious about where we all ended up. I told her that they could feel free to join us. Guess we’ll see what happens.”

They continued to chat for a while, bouncing back and forth form topic to topic, but somehow always ended up back on Clarke and Lexa. Being that the diner was pretty full the service was slower than it probably normally would have been, but none of them really seemed to mind and once the waitress returned with their mountain of appetizers, they were more than content to just hang out and wait to see if Clarke and Lexa would actually join them after what had transpired that morning. It was really a fifty/fifty – no one was really sure whether they would turn up or not and though they honestly hoped that they would, only time would tell if they actually did.

“Still no sign of them,” Bellamy said, straining his neck to get a look at the door as the waitress began to set all of their food out on the table.   
“I just hope that if they do show up, Lexa is in a better mood,” Jasper shrugged. "I hate it when she's all pissed off."  
Anya took a deep breath and shook her head slightly.  
“Are you alright?” Raven asked in a hushed voice as she leaned in a little closer.  
“Fine,” Anya answered in short and took a sip of her coffee.   
“You're frustrated,” Raven said as she dropped a hand down onto her leg.  
Anya looked at her. “Aren’t you?”  
Raven nodded a bit and shrugged.   
“Clarke might show up,” Octavia suddenly said. “But, I’m not so sure about Lexa. She tends to pull back after she flies off the handle like that.”  
“You say it as though she didn’t have a reason,” Raven countered her quickly, her tone showing a bit of annoyance.  
“No,” Octavia corrected her as she tossed a grape into her mouth. “I’m saying that she overreacted and probably could have handled it better.”  
Raven’s eyes narrowed and her jaw tensed.  
“Stop,” Anya said as she put her hand on top of Raven’s.  
Raven looked at her and visibly calmed, though not without what appeared to be a bit of difficulty.   
“What is going on with you two?” Octavia questioned as her eyes bounced between them.   
“Nothing,” Raven answered as she turned back to face her. “I just think that Lexa could use a little more understanding.”  
“More understanding?” Octavia shook her head in what was so obviously confusion.   
“Yeah,” Raven nodded. “You might not understand why she acts the way that she does, but you could consider that it’s not just her being an asshole or whatever.”  
“That wasn't what I meant.” Octavia defended. “You know that none of us are knocking Lexa – at least no more than we would Clarke or each other for that matter.”   
“Not at all,” Jasper chimed in as Lincoln and Bellamy shook their heads  
“I just think that Lexa needs to think a little more before she acts and then maybe things would be a bit easier,” Octavia clarified firmly.

Anya took a breath. This was just pointless. If Lexa's emotions processed the way that everyone else's did, there wouldn't be an issue, but they didn't - they just didn't and though she kept them in check as best as she could, sometimes, well - shit happens.

“Right, because Clarke always thinks before she acts?” Raven responded as she crossed her arms.  
“Rae,” Octavia shook her head as her shoulders dropped a bit. “Why are you getting so bent out of shape?”  
“I’m not,” Raven shook her head. “I just feel like Lexa could use someone on her side every now and again.”  
“Whoa,” Bellamy interjected quickly. “No one is choosing sides. We never have.”  
“Right,” Monty nodded. “I mean, we all have our opinions, but when it comes down to it – we all support them both.”  
“I feel like I definitely took Clarke’s side earlier,” Lincoln shrugged a little, “though unintentionally.”  
“You didn’t take her side,” Anya corrected him. “You came to her defense and though it may not seem like it – there is a difference,” she explained before glancing at Raven. “Just let it go,” she added quietly.  
“Again, what is with you two?” Octavia asked as she glanced between them. “What do you know that we don’t?”

“Something that they can’t tell you,” Lexa’s firm voice suddenly joined the conversation.

Anya spun in her seat, jolted by the sound, to find her sister standing close by with Clarke firmly pressed into her side and her eyes carefully scanning the table. 

Lexa swallowed visibly hard. “But, I can,” she added with a slight sigh as her expression softened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Personally, I don't understand everyone's issue with the group - but that's just me.   
> My thoughts on the subject in the comments on Chapter 79.


	82. Chapter 82

Clarke leaned back against the counter watching and listening as Lexa paced back and forth slowly and carefully explaining her disorder to their friends. After stumbling into their conversation at the diner – a conversation that, truth be told, she hadn’t necessarily appreciated, the group had decided to pack up their food and head back to Lexa’s for a conversation that, honestly, seemed long overdue at this point. Finally, it seemed that Lexa was ready to share what it was that she had been keeping from them all and why she chose to do so. 

So far, the conversation had been going pretty smooth and Clarke knew that most of that was due to the fact that Lexa had, at least a little bit, of her medicine still flowing through her system, but even still there were moments where it was obvious that Lexa was struggling and whether it was to find the proper words or with something physical that was happening inside of her, Clarke couldn’t really tell, but either way, watching it made her heart sink low in her chest. 

Glancing around the room, Clarke took in the array of expressions that all of their friends were wearing and though the range seemed vast. Confusion and shock seemed to be two of the largest, but the one that stuck out the most was definitely sadness. It was obvious to see that Lincoln was mentally scolding himself for his outburst that morning and Octavia had tears pooling in her eyes, threatening to slip out at any moment. 

“When did it start?” Octavia’s voice cracked slightly as it broke the silence.  
“Before I left for San Francisco,” Lexa answered simply. “But I didn’t know what it was and even after I found out, it took me a while to finally accept it.”  
“But, where did it come from?” Monty questioned, shaking his head slightly.  
Lexa turned and gave him a weak smile and a small shrug.   
“So, when you say pain,” Jasper started, but then paused as his brow furrowed.  
Lexa took a deep breath and rubbed her knuckles firmly against her sternum.  
Clarke felt her heart sink a little bit more as she held her breath. She knew what was coming. Lexa was going to explain the physical symptoms of her disorder and – God, did she hope that this part went easier than it had when she'd explained them to her. 

Lexa swallowed hard and thought for a moment. She explained about the ache in her chest that on some days was constant and how at a moment’s notice the simplest thing – the simplest emotion could set it off, causing every muscle in her chest to become weighted and strained as if being tightened by a tensioning tool. One by one, she went through her symptoms, trying, in the best way that she knew how, to put into words what it felt like and make their friends understand what it was that could happen to her and why. 

As Clarke stood there listening to it all again, she couldn’t help the tears that built in her eyes. She hated the thought of what Lexa’s anxiety could and did put her through and more than that, she hated the fact that she was one of the things that could set it off so easily. Lexa had once said to her that it was the people who were in this room who could hurt her the most and Clarke clearly remembered firing back and telling her that if there was anyone that she needed to be worried about hurting her, it was her – and fuck if she hadn’t turned out to be right. It was her. She was the one who with barely so much as a breath, could send Lexa’s anxiety spiraling out of control and she hated it. She absolutely fucking hated it.

“Is it treatable?” Bellamy questioned as his concerned eyes fixed on her.  
“It’s,” Lexa paused and shook her head shortly, “manageable.”  
“How?” Bellamy questioned her again. “Therapy?”  
Lexa scoffed lightly and shook her head. “No. This isn’t something that therapy can fix,” she answered before walking over to one of her cabinets, pulling out a small bottle and giving it a short shake. “These help lessen the symptoms – they reduce the pain and calm it down.”  
“You take those every day?” Octavia asked with wide eyes.  
“No – as needed.” Lexa answered quickly. “Prior to coming back, I had actually found other ways to manage it too, but now, those really aren’t ideal anymore.”  
“What were they?” Monty asked curiously.  
Lexa bit her lip and dropped her gaze to the floor. “Limited human interaction,” she answered quietly. “No interaction – no emotion.”  
“Wait, is this why you basically stopped talking to any of us while you were gone?” Octavia questioned almost harshly.  
“O,” Clarke cautioned as she stepped forward and slipped her hand into Lexa’s, feeling her jaw set slightly.  
“I’m okay,” Lexa assured her and gave her hand a squeeze before turning back to everyone. “I had to cut myself off,” she explained with an apologetic tone. “At least, as much as I could. On one hand, I loved hearing from you guys, but on the other, it always left me in pain. Even when I came back, I still had that wall up between us,” she paused for a second and shook her head. “Believe it or not, it was actually Clarke who told me to let it down. She said that I didn’t need it. That I was safe with you.”  
Clarke nodded lightly and thumbed the back of her hand affectionately.  
“She was right,” Bellamy agreed and everyone in the room nodded. 

Clarke looked around the room and felt a small smile pull at her lips. Though at the time, her and Lexa had still had a massive about of issue, she had had no doubt in her mind that night that what she had said to Lexa was true. There wasn’t a person in this room that Lexa wasn’t safe with or one that would intentionally do her harm and more than that, there wasn’t a person in this room that didn’t love her or that wouldn’t accept her, regardless of her disorder or anything else for that matter.

“So, I guess you’re kind of the wildcard of the group now, huh?” Jasper asked, clearly trying to lighten the mood.  
“Nope,” Anya shook her head as she picked up her coffee. “That one is still Raven.”  
“Whoa,” Raven chimed in defensively as she sat up. “Why am I the wildcard?”  
“Because, other than Clarke's chaotic kitchen episodes,” Anya popped an eyebrow and gave her a pointed look. “Who amongst us has a tendency to randomly blow things up?”  
“I…well…but…” Raven bit her lip for a second and then simply shrugged. “Fair enough,” she conceded. “Though I want to point out that it's been a while.”  
“Yeah,” Clarke rolled her eyes. “Let’s keep it that way, shall we?”

Clarke felt Lexa pull at her slightly and leaning into her side she placed her hand on her chest where she could feel the heavy and steady thump of her heart. She could tell that Lexa was feeling the effects of the conversation and though in saddened her, she was kind of happy that their friends were finally getting a better understanding of why and how things seemed to happen the way that they did. 

“Are you sure that you’re okay?” Clarke questioned quietly, still feeling Lexa’s heart pounding against her hand.  
Lexa gave her an exhausted looking nod. “Could you grab me a glass of water?”  
“Sure,” Clarke touched her cheek and walked toward the kitchen.

Returning a moment later, Clarke was not at all surprised when Lexa uncapped her medicine bottle and took the other half of her pill from earlier. By now, she was sure that the first half was wearing of and with the conversation being what it was, she had little doubt that her symptoms were probably starting to kick back into gear.

“I just...I want you guys to understand,” Lexa started again. “I’m not crazy or mentally unstable – even Abby says so,” she explained firmly. “And as Clarke and Bell have been so kind to remind me recently, I’m in no way a danger to anyone.”  
“Hey, I never thought that you were a danger to anyone,” Jasper responded instantly. “Not even that jerk at the bar.”

Again everyone in the room nodded in agreement, and though Clarke couldn’t help but notice Lexa stiffen slightly at the mention of the what happened at the bar, she knew that deep down, Lexa believed what she was saying.

“Honestly, I thought that you were just being a bit of a dick, but now,” Octavia added rather quietly. “I feel like we owe you an apology.”  
“You don’t,” Lexa shook her head firmly. “And I don’t want your sympathy either.”  
“But,” Octavia tried.  
“No, O,” Lexa cut her off. “Look, not everything that has happened since I came back has been because of this – I’ll own that much. Clarke and I had a lot of shit to work through – I’m sure that we still do, but regardless, if I had just been honest with all of you from the door about what was really going on with me – would any of you have really thought that I was just being an irrational bitch?”

Everyone shook their heads.

“Well, I might have,” Clarke admitted simply and shrugged. Totally true - at the time, she might have.  
Lexa glanced at her with narrow but playful eyes. “You don’t count,” she told her.  
Clarke dropped her jaw and feigned offence before nudging her in the side.  
Lexa rolled her eyes and turned her attention back to the group. 

Clarke leaned back into Lexa’s side and dropping her head onto her shoulder listened as she continued to explain her disorder, the ways that her body might respond in certain situations and more than anything how important it was to her that none of them looked at her although she were someone who was broken, because she wasn’t. Her body just reacted differently to emotions and stress than theirs did and though there was nothing that anyone could do to undo it now, she was actively working and learning how to live with it as a part of her daily life, instead of pushing it – and everyone aside in order to cope.

All in all the conversation had been very productive in Clarke’s mind and on some level maybe even somewhat therapeutic for the entire group. It cleared the air between them all and gave everyone a better understanding of things.

Sometime later everyone said their goodbyes and went their separate ways. As the sun started to dip low in the sky, Clarke stood alone in Lexa’s bedroom packing up the last of her things and getting ready to make her way home to prepare for the week ahead. Just as she closed the zipper on her duffle bag though, two strong arms wrapped around her and hold her tight. Pressing back into the embrace Clarke sighed and smiled to herself. 

“Will you stay?” Lexa questioned softly.  
“Are you sure?” Clarke asked carefully after a moment. “I thought that after everything that happened today, you might need some time.”

It was true – completely true. There was no doubt in Clarke’s mind that what Lexa had just put herself though had to be emotionally taxing and though she would have loved nothing more than to stay and be there for her, she knew Lexa and her need for space and the last thing that she wanted to do was make things more difficult for her right now. In truth, she had already been mentally preparing herself for the fact that Lexa, most likely, wasn't going to be around for the next few days.

“What I need is you,” Lexa responded quietly. “I need you with me tonight.”  
Clarke smiled warmly, feeling a slight bit of moisture build in her eyes because again – knowing Lexa, this was not what she was expecting.   
“Will you stay?” Lexa repeated in the same quiet voice.  
“Of course,” Clarke said and turning in the embrace she placed a light kiss on her forehead and pulled her in close. “I’ll always stay,” she added in a whisper and felt Lexa relax into her.

Always.


	83. Chapter 83

Lexa shot up in her bed with her heart pounding and her chest feeling as though it were about to burst. Gasping for breath, she turned in place and planted her feet firmly on the floor, gripping the edge of the mattress and trying to ground herself as the room swirled around her. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Okay, stop – just stop. What the hell? It’s fine. Everything is fine!

After several agonizing moments of trying to regain her composure and remain as quiet as possible at the same time, Lexa finally caved and carefully slipped off the bed and made her way out of the bedroom, silently closing the door behind her. Making her way to the bathroom, she couldn’t help but notice the way that her slightly dampened clothes clung to her overheating body in odd, random places and cursed herself for failing to open the window before falling asleep. Once safely inside the bathroom, she stood in front of the sink, gripping either side of the vanity and let her head fall. 

Fuck. What the fuck? Where the hell was it coming from - and why? Feeling a fierce pang fire off in her chest, Lexa gasped and gripped the edge of the sink even harder as her right knee buckled and thumped against the vanity. God! What is it? What? What?! She had been fine when she had gone to bed, well, mostly fine, but still, this was excessive, seriously excessive and it needed to stop – right fucking now. It had to – it just had to because she honestly wasn’t sure that she could take another sec…

“Lexa?” Clarke’s muffled and sleepy voice suddenly came through the door.  
“Go back to bed, Clarke,” Lexa replied though her gritted teeth as her vision blurred slightly. Damn it. “I’ll be there soon,” she told her and then held her breath, honestly hoping that it was the truth.

A moment passed in silence before Lexa finally released her breath and with it, a small whimper. God, it hurt – it hurt so fucking bad and it just wasn’t giving up. Everything was tight – so fucking tight and with every passing second she was becoming more and more convinced that something inside of her was actually about to break or, at the very least, rip. It was too much - way too much and she had to stop it. She had to get it under control. She had to - right now. 

Releasing her grip on the vanity, Lexa turned on the cold water and splashed some onto her face before again returning her hands to their previous position and dropping her shoulders as she tried to stretch out the muscles in her chest and ignore the way that the walls seemed to be pressing in on her. She just needed a couple of minutes. She needed a fricken break. She needed her pills. She needed…

Soft, soothing hands slipped against the skin of her shoulders and as the air slipped into her lungs, an unwinding began to occur in her chest and without a single thought she leaned back, pressing herself into Clarke and seeking out her comfort.

“I’ve got you,” Clarke told her gently, moving her arms to wrap completely around her.  
“I’m sorry,” Lexa whispered back, feeling both completely embarrassed and grateful at the same time.  
“Shh,” Clarke breathed against her as she shook her head and continued to hold her.   
Lexa nodded, feeling another shot fire off in her chest as a tiny tremor moved through her body. Fuck.  
Clarke dropped her hand for a moment, only to reach forward a second later, displaying a small bottle of pills. “Here,” she said softly.   
Lexa nodded as she accepted the bottle and without hesitating, popped the top and tossed a pill into her mouth before taking a sip from the tap and finally facing her. “Thank you.”  
Clarke simply nodded and pulled her in close again.

Sometime later, as the sun began to peak on the horizon, Lexa stood in the kitchen making a pot of coffee as Clarke sat on the couch, curled up in a blanket and looking rather sleepy, but somehow not, at the same time. Once her medicine had kicked in, her body settled and her mind began to clear and that, was when she realized the mistake that she had made. 

After everyone had left earlier, her mind had been swimming with so many things – so many fucking things and she didn’t do anything about it. She didn’t even acknowledge it. She just pushed it away, like she always did and then – well fuck, if her body didn’t remind her that she wasn’t allowed to do that anymore.

Lexa cleared her throat and took a deep breath. “I’m sorry that you had to see that,” she said as she turned as leaned back against the counter.  
“Never apologize for that,” Clarke responded quickly and locked their eyes. “You should have woken me up.”  
Lexa shook her head as her brow furrowed. Nope. No way.   
“Hey,” Clarke said as she shook her head and got to her feet before walking toward her. “You deal with me and all of my, as you call it, bat-shit crazy ways,” she paused and cupped her face. “You don’t need to hide things like that from me. I want to help.”  
Lexa swallowed hard and nodded. She knew that she didn’t have to hide – really she did, but at the same time – ugh, still so fucking embarrassing.  
“Please?” Clarke stared at her with eyes that were practically begging. “I don’t want walls between us.”  
Lexa looked up and smiled weakly. “Me neither,” she responded after a beat and pulled her into a hug. It was true. 

When the coffee was finished brewing, Lexa made each of them a cup as Clarke returned to the couch and waited. Approaching the couch, she smiled warmly and handed a cup to Clarke before settling down beside her with a slight sigh. What a fricken way to start the day.

Lexa?” Clarke questioned quietly.  
"Hm?” Lexa responded as she took a sip of her coffee.  
“Um,” Clarke started, but then paused and bit her lip as she gazed down at her mug.  
“What is it?” Lexa questioned curiously.  
Clarke looked up and took a short breath. “Did I do this to you?”  
Lexa stared at her. What? “No,” she shook her head. “You didn’t do anything. I just woke up and…”  
“No,” Clarke cut her off quietly. “I mean in general. Is this my fault?”  
Lexa felt her heart slip as her brow furrowed. “No,” she answered instantly as she set her mug down and turned to face her. Holy shit, did Clarke really think that this was because of her? “Clarke,” she shook her head. “This has nothing to do with you.”   
“But,” Clarke started and swallowed hard. “But, I was so horrible to you after you left and then those calls that I made,” she paused as a flicker of emotion showed in her eyes, “and the terrible things that I said to you about…”  
“Clarke, stop.” Lexa said firmly. “This started long before you ever made those calls – hell, it started before I even left,” she reminded her. “I knew that something was happening to me – I could feel it, but I ignored it. I thought that it was just stress - that it would pass. I didn’t know that,” she paused and shook her head. “If I had known what would happen…” she bit her lip and dropped off altogether because – fuck, if she had known. 

If she had known she had known what was coming and what she would end up living with. If she had known what she was actually doing to herself and about the irreversible changes that she was causing. If she had known any of it or had even the tiniest glimpse of it, there were so many things that she would have done differently or not done at all because – God, what she wouldn’t give. 

What she wouldn’t give for her body to operate as seamlessly and effortlessly as it once did and to be so blissfully ignorant of it all again. What she wouldn’t give, to not be able to feel the actual weight of her heart in her chest or to have a single moment of peace where she couldn’t feel or hear that traitorous thing beating. Most would say that it was a good thing – that it would remind her that she was alive, but they would be wrong. They would be dead wrong because it was awful – absolutely fucking awful and she hated it. She hated the way that it sounded, she hated the way that it felt and she hated that it was always there. 

“Lexa?” Clarke’s voice broke into her thoughts.  
Lexa blinked and rubbed her eyes, shaking off the bit of emotion that had gathered in her chest.   
Clarke set down her mug and eyed her carefully. “Are you okay?”  
“I’m fine,” Lexa assured her as she scooted a little closer. “Anyway, like I was saying, this isn’t your fault,” she took a breath. “I did this. It was all me.”  
Clarke stared back at her, seemingly unconvinced.  
“Trust me, okay?” Lexa reached up and tucked her hair behind her ear. “It’s not your fault. I’m the one who kept pushing things aside. I’m the one who didn’t deal with the thoughts in my head and the things that I was feeling,” she continued. “I’m the one who pushed myself to this point and now I’m the one who has to live with it.”  
“But not alone,” Clarke interjected quickly. “You don’t have to deal with it alone.”  
“I know,” Lexa nodded. 

It was true, she did know it. She had never truly been alone - not really, but she had always actively chosen to deal with certain things on her own. Her choice – perhaps even her mistake, but things were different now or rather, she wanted them to be, so.

Lexa sighed lightly. “I just – I’m used to dealing with a lot of things on my own and this," she shrugged and motioned to her body. "I mean, you’ve known for a while now and Anya and Rae – your mother too, but now everyone knows and I think that I just need to wrap my brain around it all.”  
“I can understand that,” Clarke told her as she intertwined their fingers. “I was honestly surprised that you told them all, but I think that it was a good thing.”  
“I think that I probably should have done it a while ago," Lexa admitted as she shook her head. “Looking back, it probably would have helped.”  
“Maybe,” Clarke shrugged lightly. “But you had to do it in your own time.”  
“Kind of like you with the sketch?” Lexa popped her eyebrows in spite of herself.   
Clarke chuckled lightly and shook her head. “Maybe.”  
Lexa stared at her, feeling herself getting lost in the deep blue of her eyes. God, this woman. “I love you,” the words tumbled from her lips on their own accord.  
Clarke stared back at her as a wide smile spread on her face. “I love you, too,” she responded before leaning forward and pressing their lips together in a quick kiss.  
Lexa smiled at her and then felt something stir in her chest. “I’ll try not to hide when I'm struggling,” she told her firmly, “and I’m going to try not to disappear anymore too. Things aren’t like there were before and I don’t want them to be. I…” she paused and took a steadying breath as she tried to find her words. “You said once that if I had just talked to you about the job in San Francisco that we would have figured it out together and that’s how I want to do things – how I want to face things.”  
“Together?” Clarke questioned with a small smile on her face.  
Lexa nodded back at her, feeling a tiny bit of moisture threatening her eyes as something began to tingle deep within her chest.

Together.


	84. Chapter 84

Clarke’s eyes fluttered slightly, briefly parting for a second and then snapping shut again once more. Uh-uh. Nope. Not waking up. Way too early. Not doing it. The sound of her door slowly creaking open caused her to whine slightly and burrow even further into she blankets. Nope. Not happening. Don’t want to. As the familiar sound of uneven feet padding across the floor filled her ears, she braced herself, already knowing what was coming next.

“Morning sunshine,” Raven announced as she flopped down onto the bed and bounced, shaking her briskly. “Let's go. Time to get up.”  
“Raven,” Clarke groaned and tried to shift further down on the bed.   
“Nope,” Raven grabbed the blankets and gave them a firm tug. “Come on.”  
“Aren’t we getting too old for this?” Clarke sighed as the blanket slipped from her grasp.  
Raven looked at her with raised eyebrows and a lopsided grin. “You’re never too old for tradition,” she told her. “Now get you sweet ass up, before I go get a bucket of water.”  
“You wouldn’t dare,” Clarke narrowed her eyes.  
“Try me,” Raven challenged as she smirked back at her.  
Clarke stared back and tried to fight the smile from breaking on her face. This girl, honestly. “Fine,” she finally caved.  
“Yes,” Raven fist pumped and slid off the bed. “Come on, breakfast is ready and the parade starts in like – shit, fifteen minutes.”

When Raven departed Clarke simply smiled to herself and shook her head at the ceiling before giving her body a good stretch and climbing out of bed.

It had been almost two full months since their weekend at Lexa’s and really, time was slipping by in a haze. For the most part, at least between her and Lexa, things had been going great - really great and she couldn't have been happier. Between the admission about the sketch and Lexa finally letting everyone know about her disorder, it was like somehow a weight had been lifted off of each of them and now, things were better than she could have imagined they be. Their relationship was practically back to being as effortless as it ever had been and it was amazing - just, simply amazing. 

“Morning,” Clarke yawned as she entered the kitchen and dropped down into a chair.  
“Morning,” Abby replied as she glanced up from her coffee. “Sleep well?”  
“Well enough,” Clarke shrugged. 

Truth be told, she would have slept better if Lexa had been able to be there with her as they really didn't spend too many nights apart anymore, but she had understood when Lexa said that she wouldn’t be back from her assignment until late the previous night - she got it and it was okay. Besides, Lexa had said months ago that she would be attending Thanksgiving dinner with all of them at the Griffin house this year and that was something that Clarke was absolutely thrilled about. After all, it had been a long time since all of them were together for Thanksgiving.

“Here,” Raven said as she set a cup of coffee on the table in front of her and limped back toward the counter.  
Clarke watched her feeling her mouth being into a slight frown.

Raven was still moving slower and with more difficulty than she had prior to that night at the bar and though she adamantly insisted that she was fine and the tests that Abby had run at the hospital early on had basically confirmed as much, everyone could see that something was up - it had to be.

“How are you feeling, Raven?” Abby questioned, eyeing her carefully.  
Raven rolled her eyes toward the ceiling and released a heavy sigh. “I’m fine,” she practically groaned in response.  
“Raven,” Abby said getting to her feet. “I am neither blind nor stupid,” she told her pointedly. “I want you back at the hospital tomorrow morning for another scan.”  
"What?" Raven's eyes went wide. "Tomorrow? Come on!"  
"This is clearly more important," Abby shook her head. "You can miss one year of shopping."   
"But I don't want to," Raven replied quickly.  
Abby stared at her for a second, appearing to be deciding something. "Tomorrow afternoon," she finally said.  
“Abby,” Raven whined slightly.  
“Nope,” Abby shook her head firmly. “I’m not even hearing it. You bring your butt in to see me tomorrow afternoon or I’ll come find you and drag you in myself, got it?”  
Clarke bit her lip as she watched the exchange with curious anticipation.  
Raven stared at her for a moment, almost defiantly, before finally lowering her gaze and nodding in agreement. Yep. She knew better than to argue.  
“Everything alright?” Jake’s voiced suddenly filled the room.  
“Fine,” Abby said as she turned and went back to her seat.  
“Abby is doing the mom thing again,” Raven grumbled as she picked up her mug.  
“Ah,” Jake nodded understandingly and then shrugged. “Well then, whatever it is, I agree with her.”  
Clarke stifled a chuckle and tried to hide her smirk behind her mug.  
“Seriously,” Raven gawked at them. “Does anyone in this house play fair?”  
“No,” All three Griffins responded in unison and then laughed.  
"You guys suck," Raven rolled her eyes again and took a sip of her coffee. “Come on, Griff – the parade is about to start,” she said before leaving the room.  
Clarke sighed and turned to her mother. “What do you think?”  
“I think that she needs another scan,” Abby nodded. “After that – we’ll figure it out.”  
Clarke stared at her for a moment. God, she hoped that was true. 

After spending several hours curled up with Raven on the couch, sucked into the television and inhaling way more food then was necessary, Clarke finally got up and dragged herself off to the bathroom to take a shower and get ready before anyone else started showing up.

Bellamy, Octavia and Lincoln were the first to arrive, each crossing the threshold with a bag slung over their shoulder and a tray of food in their hands. 

Monty was the next to come through the door with a warm smile on his face and a couple of expensive looking bottles of wine tucked under his arm.

Jasper arrived with a bit of chaos as he tripped on the corner of the sofa and, losing his balance, sent a wide variety of cookies flying through the air and then swearing rather loudly about the whole thing.

When Anya came through the door it was no surprise that she too had a bag over her shoulder and a tray of food in her hands or that she was quick to respond to Clarke quizzical, but unintentional look. “That way,” she pointed at the door.

Clarke’s eyes bounced between Anya and the door. Huh?  
“She’s outside,” Anya sighed an explanation. “She was there when I pulled up. She seems nervous. I didn't ask.”  
Clarke felt her brow furrow in confusion as she made her way to the door. What could Lexa possibly be nervous about?

Stepping outside and quietly closing the door behind her, Clarke shivered as the cold air hit her skin and then peaked around the corner where she spotted Lexa leaning against the house with her head down and her bag at her feet, effortlessly rolling her pin through her fingers. 

Shaking her head, Clarke released a sigh and walked toward her. “Hey,” she greeted her softly. “Everything alright?”  
Lexa’s eyes snapped up instantly. “What? Yes,” she responded unconvincingly. “Why?”  
Clarke bit down on her lip and stepped forward, wrapping her arms around her waist. “How long have you been here?”  
“What time is it?” Lexa questioned immediately.   
Clarke chuckled lightly. Really? “Why are you out here?”  
“I…” Lexa paused and narrowed her eyes slightly. “I didn’t want to be the first to arrive,” she tried.  
Clarke shook her head. Bullshit. “You’re the last,” she pointed out.   
“Yeah,” Lexa’s face twisted slightly as she rubbed the back of her neck. “I kind of figured that much.”  
“What’s really going on?” Clarke questioned softly as she dropped her head down on to her shoulder.  
Lexa took a deep breath and wrapped her arms around her. “It’s been a long time,” she answered quietly.  
Clarke nodded against her. She got it. It was just like when they went to Anya’s a few months back.  
“I don’t know,” Lexa shrugged slightly. “I guess I’m just a little nervous to go in,” she explained. “I don’t know what to expect.”  
“What to expect?” Clarke questioned her. “It's the same as every other year.”  
“Except that it’s not,” Lexa countered quickly.   
“What’s different?” Clarke picked up her head and looked at her.  
“Us,” Lexa answered simply.  
Clarke felt a smile form on her face. “Thank God for small favors,” she whispered before dropping a light kiss on her lips.  
Lexa instantly relaxed into the kiss and pulled her closer.  
Clarke giggled against her lips and inched back. “You ready for this?”  
Lexa shook her head and intertwined their fingers. “Let’s go.”

Walking back through the door with Lexa at her side, Clarke couldn’t help the ridiculously wide smile that had formed on her face. Taking Lexa’s bag, she quickly made her way down the hall and deposited it in her room before heading back out into the living room where Lexa was slowly making her way through greeting everyone. Leaning against the wall, she watched the scene before her and felt a slight warmth and tingling spread through her chest and when Lexa turned and smiled her a twinge of moisture instantly formed in her eyes and she found herself having to take a steadying breath to prevent it from becoming anything more.

“You alright?” Bellamy asked as he came over and leaned beside her.  
Clarke nodded. “I am,” she answered softly. So much more than alright.  
“Feels good, doesn’t it?” He grinned at her knowingly. “All of us being here like this again.”  
Clarke smiled and nodded lightly. So, so good. 

An hour or so later, everyone had dispersed into their own little groups. Between the football game on the television, card games and food perpetrations there was more than enough going on for everyone to keep themselves quite busy. While really the only difference between this Thanksgiving and the previous two was Lexa's presence – that one simple thing seemed to change everything. Everything seemed brighter somehow – warmer and Clarke was loving every single second of it, minus finding herself permanently banished from her parents kitchen after someone just had to go and inform Abby about their new kitchen rule. 

The afternoon ticked by with an endless amount of banter, laughter and a real sense of togetherness and as dinnertime approached Clarke found herself in the dining room helping Lexa set the table. Exchanging subtle glances and grins as they went, they were having a conversation of sorts with each other without ever saying anything at all. It was nice, calm and sweet and it wasn’t until when the faint sound of someone clearing their throat caught her attention did Clarke realize that they weren’t alone.

Glancing at the door, Clarke felt her jaw slip and her breath catch as her eyes fell on someone that she had not seen in a very, very long time. “Lex,” she said softly.  
“Hm?” Lexa responded without looking up as she placed another glass on the table.  
“Lex,” Clarke repeated firmly.  
Lexa looked up at her and gave her a slightly confused look. “What?”  
Clarke motioned to the door and held her breath.  
Lexa redirected her eyes and instantly the glass she was holding slipped from her fingers and shattered against the floor. 

Oh boy.


	85. Chapter 85

Lexa stood frozen, just staring ahead with her jaw slightly gaped until her mind finally caught up with what her eyes were seeing and then just that, her chin dipped and her gaze dropped to the floor, like a child preparing to be scolded, while a flood of what could only be described as shame washed over her. Fuck.

“Uncle Gus,” Lexa said, barely above a whisper and still without looking up as her mind began to race. 

Why was he here? How was he here? He wasn’t supposed to be here. Anya had said that she had spoken to him and that he said that he was going away. What was he doing here? It just didn’t make any sense. He hadn’t been at the Griffin’s house for a holiday in years – years! Why was he here now?

“Hello Lexa,” he smiled kindly at her. “You didn’t really think that you could avoid me forever, did you?”  
Lexa tightened her jaw as a hint of moisture gathered in her eyes and shook her head.

That wasn’t exactly fair. It wasn’t that she was avoiding him. Why would she avoid him? That was ridiculous. She hadn’t been avoiding him, she was just busy – really busy and it… It was just… It was… 

Okay, yeah – she was avoiding him.

It hadn’t been intentional, at least, not in the beginning – not before San Francisco, but after that, yeah, it was true. She just couldn’t bring herself to face him. Not after everything that had happened. Not after the way that she had behaved. Granted, she had spoken to him a handful of times over the last couple of years, but even then, she had always managed to keep the conversations very brief and also bring them to an end before they could get too deep. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to talk to him – or even that she didn’t want to see him for that matter, it was just that she couldn’t. She just wasn’t ready. 

She knew that Anya had kept him informed about her over the last couple of years and also that he was mildly disappointed in her as well – not for the decision that she made, as he had always raised them to be strongminded and make their own decisions, but rather, for the way that she chosen to handle the situation on whole or more specifically, where Clarke was concerned. After all, his opinion had always been very clear where decision making was concerned. 

Decisions were a part of life, everyone had to make them and the truth was, not everyone was going to like or agree with the decisions that you made and that was okay – however, once you made a decision, you needed to own it and while Lexa had, in fact, owned her decision to accept a job in San Francisco and followed through with it, she had also wrapped the reason for her decision in as much bullshit as she could possibly find at the time and that right there, was where she knew that his disappointment would come into play. 

He had raised them better.

There was something else too though. 

Her uncle didn’t know about her disorder. He didn’t know about the weakness had laid claim over her body in the recent years. He didn’t know that without a moments notice, she could become the complete opposite of everything that he had raised her to be. He had spent years teaching them how to be strong and how to be confident in themselves, but now, with her stupid disorder, somehow all of his time and effort simply seemed nullified, because the truth was, sometimes words like strong and confident didn’t even seem like a part of her vocabulary anymore and how that might disappoint him, was honestly more than she could stand.

It wasn’t right and it wasn’t fair. For everything that he had done for her, he deserved more than this mere shadow of a…

“Gustus,” Jake’s cheerful voice suddenly rang out. “You made it,” he added as he crossed the room and extended his hand.  
“Hello Jake,” Gustus greeted him with a smile. “Thank you, for the invitation.”

Lexa watched the exchange and felt her heart rate increase significantly. Jake had invited him? 

“Of course,” Jake told him with simple shrug. “You know that you’re always welcome here, besides, I practically demanded that your girls be here today. Knowing how long it’s been since the three of you have spent a holiday together, how could I not invite you?”  
“It has been a long time,” Gustus agreed with a nod and redirected his glance. “I haven’t even seen this one in more than three years now,” he added with another smile as he motioned in her direction.  
Jake turned instantly and stared at her, his eyes showing obvious surprise at the information.

Lexa dropped her gaze quickly and felt her brow furrow as her chest began to tighten and the walls seemed to press in on her. It was too much – way too much and she had no idea know what to say or do. What was right? It was all so incredibly unexpected and she was nowhere near prepared enough to deal with it. She wanted to leave, to run, to get as far away from it all as humanly possible, but at the same time, it seemed as though her feet had suddenly glued themselves to the floor – her body unwilling to react to what her mind was screaming for her to do. She was stuck – trapped, as frozen as the air that was sitting in her lungs and there didn't seem to be a thing that she could do about it. 

Feeling Clarke’s hand slip into hers, Lexa lifted her gaze and looked at her with what she knew were pleading eyes.  
“Breathe,” Clarke whispered and gave her hand a squeeze as she rubbed her thumb along it soothingly. “It’s okay.”  
Lexa nodded as a warm sensation slowly began to creep its way up her arm and settle in her chest, somehow instantly causing her lungs to begin to loosen. Swallowing hard, she finally turned her gaze to meet her uncle’s eyes and felt a sense of relief when she found nothing but warmth and kindness shining back at her.

Gustus simply stared at her for a moment before another small smile broke on his bearded face. “I’ve missed you,” he sighed and he shook his head.  
Lexa felt her body tremble as her heart quivered slightly in her chest and tears quickly gathered in her eyes and then just like that, she felt like a little girl again and her worries just seemed to evaporate. 

The next few seconds disappeared in a flash as Lexa released her grip on Clarke’s hand and crossed the room, practically leaping into her uncle’s welcoming arms and holding on for what felt like dear life. Truth be told, she had missed him too.

“I’m sorry,” Lexa whispered, increasing her grip around his neck and allowing several tears to slip out of her eyes.  
Gustus shook his head and gave her a squeeze. “We’ll talk later,” he responded quietly as he set her down.  
Lexa nodded and let go, quickly brushing the tears from her cheeks and taking a steadying breath to recompose herself before looking over at Clarke, who also had tears in her eyes, but simply smiled back at her.

A comfortable silence fell across the room as the four of them just stood there smiling at one another for a moment, that was, until the sound of rather loud, bickering voices shattered it and two fresh faces appeared from the other room.

“Uncle Gus? What are you doing here?” Anya exclaimed in obvious shock as she smiled widely and crossed the room to embrace him. “You said that you were going away,” she reminded him.  
“I did say that, yes,” Gustus acknowledged with a laugh as he hugged her back. “But you, failed to ask where I was going.”  
Anya took a step back with her brow furrowing and seemed to think for a long moment before a light blush started to bloom on her cheeks “I didn’t ask, did I?”  
Gustus continued to smile, though now rather smugly and shook his head.   
“Sorry,” Anya said quietly as her blush deepened significantly.   
Gustus smirked lightly and leaned in a little. “I wouldn’t have told you anyway,” he told her, earning himself a firm nudge  
“Hey Gus,” Raven grinned as she stepped forward and gave him a quick hug before stepping back and briskly rubbing her face. “You seriously need to trim that thing,” she added, giving his beard a quick flip.  
“I happen to like it,” Gustus replied simply as he reached up and smoothed it back out again.  
“Pretty soon, something is going to start building a nest in there.” Raven cautioned him as she shook her head.   
“Leave him be,” Lexa told her as she rubbed the back of her neck and glanced back at her uncle. “He looks good,” she added. And he did too.

After cleaning up all of the glass from the glass that she’d dropped, Lexa returned to task of helping Clarke set the table, while Abby, Octavia, Anya and Lincoln finished the final touches on their meal and Gustus joined Jake and the rest of the delinquents in the living room.

Half an hour or so later, Abby called out that it was time to eat and everyone filed into the dining room and slipped into their seats. Inching her chair a little closer to Clarke’s, Lexa smiled lightly when Clarke intertwined their fingers and kissed the back of her hand, before dropping it down out of sight and looking at her with the most adoring eyes ever.

Finally Jake stood at the head of the table and cleared his throat. “Well, here we all are,” he started, but then paused and simply glanced around the room with a small smile playing on his face. “Hm. You know what? Never mind,” he added and sat down.  
Lexa felt her brow furrow. Odd. Jake had always opened a holiday meal by giving a little bit of a speech.  
“Jake?” Abby looked at him with some confusion showing in her eyes.  
“Just look around,” Jake smiled sincerely and motioned to everyone at the table. “Trust me, there’s nothing I can say. The sight speaks for itself.”  
Lexa glanced around the table, her eyes drifting over everyone’s warm, smiling face and the second that she started to take it all in, was the second that she started to really understand.

It was the sight of family – the sight of their family, their wonderfully mismatched, sometimes dysfunctional and yet highly dependable family and it was truly an amazing sight. Instantly Lexa felt a rush of raw and beautiful emotions begin to swirl in her chest and as a small smile pulled at the corner of her lips, all that she could do was she simply shake her head. Of course, Jake was right.

There were no words.


	86. Chapter 86

Clarke leaned back against the headboard and stared down at Lexa, who was still resting peacefully. The previous day had taken quite the emotional toll on her, that had been more than obvious. Between her nervousness over being there for Thanksgiving now that they were officially together and how different that might make things and her uncle’s totally unexpected arrival, she had honestly been surprised at how smoothly the day had gone. Granted yes, there were a few bumps along the way, a few moments where it looked like Lexa might lose it or bolt or – both, especially when Gustus had showed up, but she didn't. She got through it.

Though Clarke had known that Lexa and Gustus hadn’t seen each other for some time, neither Lexa or Anya had ever gone into any amount of detail as to why and she had never wanted to push either on the subject, so she had just let it go, but watching their reunion the previous night had made it more than obvious that the distance hadn't been kept without difficulty.

Deciding that they could both probably use a cup of coffee to start their day, Clarke released a small sigh and smiled to herself before getting out of bed, slipping into her robe and quietly making her way out of the room. As she made her way down the hallway she couldn’t help but notice how quiet the house appeared to be and figured that everyone else must still be asleep due to how late they had all been up the night before and how early she had found herself waking that morning. Turning into the kitchen however, Clarke froze for a moment when her eyes fell on Gustus, who was sitting alone at the kitchen table, quietly sipping on his own cup of coffee. 

“Good morning,” Clarke said, her voice coming out thick with sleep.  
Gustus looked up and smiled at her warmly. “Good morning to you,” he nodded. “I didn’t think anyone else would be awake yet.”  
“I’m not usually,” Clarke admitted as she crossed the room to retrieve a mug from the cabinet. “In fact, more often than not – I’m the last one awake.”  
“Is Lexa still asleep?” Gustus questioned her curiously.  
“She is,” Clarke answered with a lazy nod as she made her coffee. “I think yesterday took a lot out of her.”  
“I could see that,” Gustus said as he picked his mug up and took another sip.  
“I’m glad that you two had some time to talk last night,” Clarke said as she stirred her coffee, set the spoon aside and raised the mug to her lips, blowing on it lightly.  
“Me too,” Gustus acknowledge as he leaned back in his seat a bit. “We really needed to,” he added. “Lexa has always been one to put a lot of pressure on herself and worry about things that she shouldn’t.”  
Clarke leaned back against the counter and took a sip of her coffee. “Everybody worries,” she shrugged simply. It was true.  
Gustus raised an eyebrow at her and grinned. “Not like Lexa,” he shook his head.  
Clarke eyed him curiously for a moment.

Lexa hadn’t really said too much about the conversation that she had shared with her uncle the night before, but just judging by the knowing look that he was giving her, she had a feeling that he knew enough.

“No,” Clarke shook her head lightly. “Not quite like Lexa.”  
Gustus nodded slowly and stared at her with a bit of a twinkle in his eye. “I want you to know,” he suddenly smiled, “I was very happy when Anya told me that you two had finally gotten together.”  
Clarke blinked and stared at him for a moment as the wheels inside her head began to spin. “Finally?”  
Gustus nodded again. “It took you long enough though,” he chuckled lightly and nodded. “I was starting to wonder if I would live to see the day.”  
“Wait,” Clarke crossed the room and dropped down into a chair across from him, feeling rather dumbfounded. “Really?”  
“Clarke,” Gustus looked at her and took a weighted breath. “I knew that there was something special between you and Lexa from the first moment that I saw you two together,” he explained.  
Clarke stared back at him with her jaw gaping a bit.

Really? Even Gustus, who hadn’t exactly spent too much time around them when they were younger - even he thought that they should be together? Fuck. Had everyone seen it except for the two of them? Had they really been that fricken blind for that fricken long?

“There was always this magnetism between the two of you – this, electricity,” Gustus continued. “I know that deep down, Lexa never quite thought that she was good enough for you, but I’m glad she finally pushed that nonsense aside and told you how she really felt.” 

Clarke blinked at his words as a memory suddenly flooded her mind and caused her to suddenly space out a bit.

**************************************************************************************************************************************************

It was the morning after she had taken Lexa’s laptop and she was standing in the living room, just barely hearing Lexa and her mother argue.

“I haven't.” Lexa's curt voice drifted down the hallway. “It's not enough.”  
“What's not enough?” Abby's even, but noticeably curious voice followed.  
“Me,” Lexa’s voice suddenly echoed off of the walls, harsh and venomous.

Clarke instantly spun on the spot with her brow fully furrowed and found herself mindlessly moving towards her mother’s office, until her father suddenly came through the door and she found herself stopping on the spot.

**************************************************************************************************************************************************

Clarke leaned back in her chair and released a breath that she hadn’t realized that she’d been holding.

No way. No way. No fucking way! It was her. She was what Lexa hadn’t been good enough for? How was that even possible? Octavia had been right? How could Lexa even think that? Or ever think it for that matter!

Feeling a slight pang of pain fire off in her head, Clarke gave her temple a firm rub and shifted in her seat as the sound of approaching footsteps filled her ears and her mother suddenly appeared in the doorway.

Abby’s eyes widened with clear disbelief as she entered the room and paused. “Out of anyone who I thought might be awake,” she shook her head. “You were nowhere on my list.”  
Clarke rolled her eyes and smiled lightly. “What can I say,” she shrugged. “I’m fully of surprises.”  
“Apparently,” Abby nodded and walked toward the coffeemaker. “However, given the size of the breakfast that I need to make, forgive me for not being too enthusiastic at the sight of you,” she quipped playfully.  
“Oh, thhpt,” Clarke stuck out her tongue and got to her feet, crossing the room again, back to the cabinet where she retrieved another mug and began to make Lexa a cup of coffee. Standing there, she could hear tiny little noises started to emerge from random parts in the house and knew that other people were now waking up too.  
“Don’t worry, Abby.” Gustus said as he got to his feet and stretched. “I’ll help you.”  
Clarke rolled her eyes lightly and finished making Lexa’s coffee. “I didn’t want to help you anyway,” she sassed before exiting the kitchen and making her way back to her bedroom.

Once inside, she set the mug on the nightstand and looked down at Lexa who, unsurprisingly, was still asleep. Staring down at her, Clarke let her mind go a bit.

She wanted to talk to her, really she did. She wanted – needed to know, if that was really what Lexa had thought or even felt and honestly, why? So many questions were now suddenly floating around in her head and she wanted the answers, really, like – now, but at the same time, she knew that this was neither the time or the place for such a discussion, especially considering one could never really tell what a discussion like that might bring out between them. 

Releasing a small sigh, Clarke slipped into the bed behind Lexa and pulled her close, pausing for a moment to enjoy the sensation that suddenly spread through her body and then inching forward to drop a small kiss on Lexa’s neck, just below her ear. “Hey you,” she whispered gently. “I brought you some coffee.”  
Lexa brow furrowed lightly as she shifted slightly and scooted her body back further.  
Clarke smiled into her neck and dropped another kiss.  
“Did I hear you say that you brought me coffee?” Lexa asked sleepily after a moment, still not opening her eyes.  
“Mhm,” Clarke hummed a response.  
“You got up before me?” Lexa questioned her again.  
“Mhm,” Clarke hummed once more.  
“Who are you and where is my girlfriend?” Lexa quipped with a light chuckle as she gave her body a slight stretch.  
Clarke laughed. “Oh, don’t even act like it’s the first time that I’ve ever been up before you,” she said as she gave her a poke in the ribs.  
Lexa chuckled lightly and rolled over, finally opening her eyes. “Fair,” she said with a soft smile.  
Clarke smiled back and kissed the tip of her nose. “How are you feeling?”  
“Still tired,” Lexa closed her eyes again and nuzzled into her chest. “Who else is up?”  
“My mother and your uncle.” Clarke answered simply. “Other people were waking up as I came back in, but I don’t know who.”  
“Do you think that we can just stay here and cuddle for a while?” Lexa sighed against her.  
Clarke smiled and dropped a kiss on the top of her head. “For a little while,” she said softly. 

Sometime later, and much to Lexa’s displeasure, the two finally emerged from the bedroom and lazily made their way out to the dining room to join everyone else at the table for some breakfast.

“Clarke,” Raven said as she dumped far too much syrup on top of her pancakes. “You’re coming shopping with us today, right?”  
“Absolutely not,” Clarke shook her head instantly. Nope. Not happening.  
“But,” Raven looked at her with wide eyes. “Come on – it’ll be fun!”  
“That, is not my idea of fun,” Clarke shook her head again as she scooped some eggs on to her plate.  
“Lexa,” Raven started.  
“Not even in the realm of possibilities,” Lexa cut her off instantly as she held up her hand. “I hate shopping on a normal day.”  
“Ugh, fine.” Raven rolled her eyes and turned to Anya. “So, minus the kill-joys over there, who’s going?”  
“You, me, Octavia, Jasper and Lincoln,” Anya answered and took a sip of her coffee. “Maybe Monty,” she added, pointing to the opposite end of the table. “He hasn’t decided yet.”  
“That’s it?” Raven asked with a slight pout.  
“That’s it,” Anya confirmed simply.  
Clarke watched as Raven’s shoulder sunk a bit, she knew that Raven always enjoyed going shopping in a big group but today, of all days, that was not going to happen.  
“And don’t forget, I want to see you at the hospital this afternoon,” Abby reminded her from the opposite end of the table.  
“I know, I know,” Raven grumbled with a nod as she shoveled some pancakes into her mouth.

Several hours later Clarke at the dining room table playing cards with Gustus, Lexa and Monty while her father and Bellamy relaxed in the living room. It had been quite a while since her mother had left for work and even longer since everyone else had departed for their little shopping adventure and the house just had a wonderfully relaxed and pleasant air about it. 

Biting on her bottom lip and thinking for a moment, Clarke tossed two cards aside and replaced them with two new ones, which instantly caused her to grin internally. Yep – going to win this one too.  
“If you win again, I’m out.” Gustus warned her as though he had just read her mind.  
“Oh, come on.” Clarke chuckled and shook her head.  
“You’re cheating,” Gustus eyed her carefully. “I haven’t figured out quite how yet, but I know that you are.”  
“I’m not cheating,” Clarke replied with a laugh as she shook her head adamantly.  
Gustus turned his attention to Lexa and narrowed his eyes. “Truth?”  
“Truth,” Lexa nodded with a smile. “She isn’t cheating.”  
“No one is this good.” Gustus shook his head in disbelief.  
“Clarke is,” Lexa shrugged simply and tossed her cards aside. “I fold.”  
“Me too,” Monty added as he tossed his cards facedown on the table.  
Clarke smiled rather smugly. “Looks like it’s just you and me now,” she popped her eyebrows playfully. “What’s it going to be?”  
Gustus stared back at her with narrowed eyes, seemingly deep in thought and a weighted silence filled the room.

Suddenly Lexa’s phone rang out on the table and caused everyone to jump. Glancing down, Clarke caught the flash of Anya’s name on the screen before Lexa scooped it up and unlocked it to read her message.

“We need to go,” Lexa said abruptly, her face suddenly going pale.  
“Go where?” Clarke questioned as her brow furrowed. "What is it?"  
Lexa flipped over the phone to show her the message that she had just received.  
Clarke's eyes shot down to the screen where she found only three words, but they were three words that made her stomach drop instantly.

Anya: Raven. Ark. Now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They just sneak up on me, honest.  
> You know the drill.


	87. Chapter 87

Lexa crossed the threshold into Ark Memorial with Clarke at her side and everyone else hot on her heels. Anya hadn’t given her any details about what was going on or about what, if anything, had happened and her mind was just about ready to burst from the overflow of possibilities that kept popping into it.

Making their way down the hallway, Lexa couldn’t help but roll her eyes faintly as she glanced around because – God, was she sick of this place. How the hell was it that they couldn’t seem to go more than a few months without ending up here? Like seriously – was their luck really just that bad?

“Anya,” Lexa called out as she spotted her sister and Octavia down at the opposite end of the hallway and picked up her pace. “What the hell is going on?”  
Anya and Octavia both looked at her and simply shook their heads. “Fucking Raven,” Anya said with her voice cracking slightly. “She’s so stupid.”  
“What did she do?” Clarke asked as she appeared at their side.  
“She’s so fucking stubborn,” Anya shook her head, with tears visibly pooling in her eyes as she released a shaky breath. “Like, why can't she just listen?”  
Lexa stared at her sister and felt her lips bend into a frown as her heart slipped a little. 

Seeing Anya this upset wasn’t necessarily unheard of, however what it was, was extremely rare. Like her, Anya was a pro at masking how things were really affecting her and for the most part, keeping a cool head, but seeing her like this, Lexa had little doubt that whatever she was feeling had been building for quite a while.

“O, what happened?” Clarke redirected and reworded her question just as the rest of the group caught them.  
Octavia shook her head and pushed her hair back out of her face. “She wouldn’t stop,” she shrugged. “The whole time that we were shopping she was walking really slow – it was so obvious that she was hurting bad, like, really bad and we kept telling her to call it quits – to just come in and see Abby, but she just wouldn’t give in.”  
“So fucking stubborn,” Anya repeated as she shook her head.  
“Her name might be a Reyes, but she’s definitely a Griffin,” Jake sighed as he shook his head and rubbed the back of his neck.

No doubt.

“Okay, and then what happened?” Lexa questioned, because obviously something must have happened if they were here now, and both so clearly upset.  
“She fell,” Octavia answered as her brow furrowed. “I don’t even know what happened, we were just walking and then...then she grabbed onto my arm,” she held out her arm and pulled up her sleeve, revealing the faint marks where Raven’s nails had clearly dug into her skin, “and then she just…she just went down,” she added, looking pained at the memory as Clarke stepped wrapped an arm around her shoulders, “but then…” she broke off and shook her head.  
Lexa’s eyes bounced between the two of them as her heart rate began to pick up speed. But then what? What? “What is it?”  
Anya swallowed hard. “She couldn’t get up or even really sit up, for that matter, and she...she couldn’t move her leg,” her right eye twitched slightly as her features hardened. “Like, at all.”  
Lexa felt her breath catch in her chest. Oh no. "At all?" She chanced a glance at Clarke, who immediately met her eye with an equal look of concern.  
“Is my mother with her?” Clarke questioned without breaking her gaze.  
“Of course,” Anya nodded swiftly.  
“Alright,” Jake stepped forward. “Why don’t we all head on into the waiting room? Something tells me we’re going to be here a while.”

Almost an hour had passed and still there was no word from Abby or anyone else on how Raven was doing and with every passing minute the tension in the room was becoming heavier and heavier. Lexa had planted herself in a chair some time ago and since had been flipping her pin so fiercely between her fingers that she was honestly surprised that she still hand skin on them. Like - for real, what the hell was taking so long?

“Itching for a smoke?” Jasper questioned curiously.  
“No,” Lexa shook her head and tossed a light glance at Clarke. It was a lie – a total lie, because at the moment, yes, she was itching for a cigarette – itching more than she probably ever had, but she’d be damned before she would admit that out loud. 

Finally Abby appeared in the waiting room doorway and though her look wasn’t exactly comforting, there was something almost calm about her demeanor. “She’s okay,” she said as she stepped into the room. “Well, mostly okay.”  
“Mostly?” Anya questioned urgently and took a step forward.  
“It’s her implant,” Abby answered quickly. “It’s shifted.”  
“Shifted?” Lexa echoed as she got to her feet with Clarke immediately following. The fuck? How does that even happen? Unless…  
Abby nodded. “We’re thinking that it’s from that night at the bar,” she explained. “It’s the only thing that makes sense.”  
“But, you scanned her that night - right after it happened,” Anya shook her head, her face clearly showing her confusion.   
“We did, yes,” Abby nodded again, “and everything looked fine. I’ve looked at the scans from that night again and they all still look fine, but now we’re wondering if the incident at the bar might have knocked it loose – just barely enough, and that’s why she’s been in so much pain, she explained. "All this time as she’s just been going about her business – it’s been shifting, slowly moving out of place and pressing into places that it shouldn’t be.”  
“Which is why some days aren’t as bad as others,” Anya said quietly, with a hint of understanding.   
“Yes and judging from how it started to how it is now,” Abby shook her head and sighed. “Raven has been in a lot more pain than she has been letting on.”  
“Fucking sh..” Anya barely breathed though her clenched teeth.

Without thought Lexa slipped her hand into Clarke’s and stroked the back of it with her thumb. She knew how concerned Clarke had been about Raven - how concerned they all had been, really and she had no doubt that Clarke was probably internally chastising herself for not pushing Raven harder to get herself checked out. Damn it, why did that girl have to be so stubborn this?

“What happens now?” Clarke question, her voice cracking ever so slightly.  
“It can be fixed, but only with surgery,” Abby answered simply. “There’s really no other option, if she wants to continue walking, however she isn't acting very optimistic about it.”  
“How is she?” Anya questioned her quickly.  
Lexa closed her eyes, certain that she already knew the answer.  
“She’s pretty upset,” Abby confirmed her thoughts. “Very upset, actually.”  
“Can we see her?” Anya questioned her again.  
“Of course,” Abby nodded and motioned to the door.

Lexa watched as her sister moved toward the door without hesitation. She however, stayed rooted on the spot and increased her grip on Clarke’s hand. Anya should be the one to go see her – at least at first. That made sense? Didn’t it?

“What are you waiting for?” Anya’s somewhat confused voice broke into her thoughts.  
Lexa blinked and looked at her. “You should be the one to go see her,” she answered in a soft, but firm tone. “We’ll wait.”  
“No,” Anya shook her head instantly as she took a step back through the door.  
“Anya,” Gustus spoke up. “Your sister is right. You should go…”  
“I know my girlfriend,” Anya practically growled at him, her eyes suddenly steely. “If she’s that upset – I am not the only one that she needs right now,” her eyes moved to Octavia and then to Clarke, before finally landing back on her sister. “Now, move your asses.”

Lexa felt her spine snap at attention and she found herself stepping forward while pulling Clarke along with her and following Abby and her sister down the hallway. It was obvious that Anya was upset – that much was clear, exactly what she was feeling however remained a mystery though and either way – Lexa wasn’t about to question her.

Entering the room, Lexa felt her lungs freeze while the muscles in her chest instantly began to tighten as her eyes floated over the scene and she found herself blinking rapidly to stop the rush of tears that quickly threatened her eyes.

“Hey,” Raven’s voice shook through what was so obviously a forced smile. She looked paled and sweaty, and her wet eyes spoke volumes as to how upset she really was.  
“Raven,” Anya breathed as she moved forward and dropped a kiss on her crown and cupped her cheek. “Are you okay?”  
“I..” Raven started, but nothing else followed except a trembling shake of her head and a fresh pool of tears in her eyes.

Instantly Octavia and Clarke rounded the bed and attempted to comfort her. Lexa watched from where she was still rooted and felt her heart sink at the sight as she silently wished that she had just moved a little bit faster that night because – God, seeing Raven like this was just awful.

“Why do you have to be so stubborn, you idiot?” Anya questioned affectionately as she stroked her cheek. “Why didn’t you just say something?”  
“Because,” Raven reply came out in a shaky whisper.  
“Because why?” Octavia asked as she slipped her hand into Raven’s and gave it a squeeze.  
“Because, what if they can’t fix it?” Raven answered and paused as her eyes rapidly bounced, almost pleadingly, between them all. “What….what if….” she took a steadying breath. “What if I’m just broken?”

And there it was. Something so simple. Of course. Though Raven Reyes might be one hell of a badass, who was as quick as a whip with her whit and sometimes too smart for her own good, she was also something else too. Human.

And she was scared.

“You’re not broken,” Clarke said instantly and though her tone was firm a tear still rolled down her cheek.  
“You don’t know that,” Raven shook her head and looked at her. “What if they can’t fix it? I was lucky last time,” she said as another rush of tears filled her eyes. “I know how lucky I was and if this doesn’t work,” her breathing picked up speed, “or something goes wrong…and I never…never walk again and I…” she rambled with her agitation just heavy in her voice, “and then I won’t…I can’t…”

Lexa felt her heart clench in her chest as she watched on - never had she seen Raven so worked up. Sure, over the years, she had seen her pissed off before and even upset, but not like this - never like this and she was quite sure that if they couldn’t get her to calm down, at least some, that she was going to end up throwing herself into a full on panic attack. Searching her brain, Lexa frantically tried to think of something – anything that might help calm her and then, it hit her. Pulling out her phone, she opened her playlist and turned up the volume before clicking on a song that she knew, or rather hoped might just do the trick. 

As the first few gentle strums of a harp filled the room, Raven instantly stopped rambling and looked at her briefly before taking a deep breath and closing her eyes. For a moment there was nothing, nothing but the sound of a harp and violin pairing perfectly together and as Lexa watched the heaving of Raven’s chest fully even out, she knew that it had worked.

Setting her phone down on the bed, Lexa slipped her hand into Raven’s and gave it a squeeze. “You’re not broken, Raven,” she said evenly. “You just need a little work done."   
Raven opened her eyes and looked at her. “I’m scared,” she barely whispered, chancing a glance at all of them.  
“It’s okay to be afraid,” Lexa told her quickly. “But, remember Rae, you've already done this once - you know that it works," she told her firmly. "And you're not alone either. We’re all right her with you - and for you.”   
“Just like we always have been,” Clarke nodded matter-of-factly.  
“And always will be,” Octavia reminded her with a slight nudge.  
“No matter what,” Anya added, her tone absolute, as she reached out and tucked a piece of hair behind her ear.  
Raven glanced around at them again before an honest smile spread on her face and a small laugh broke from her chest. “Okay,” she nodded and took a deep breath. “Okay.”

A sudden commotion behind them caused everyone to look at the door and there they found quite the collection of young men, huddled in the doorway, just waiting to see if it was okay for them all to finally enter or not.

“There’s my boys,” Raven said with a light drawl in her voice as her smile widened further and the sound of light laughter filled the room.

Releasing Raven’s hand with a nod, Lexa stepped away to make room and went and leaned against the wall, followed closely by Clarke, Octavia and her sister.

“Thank you for that, squirt,” Anya said quietly.  
Lexa felt her eyes roll slightly as she glanced at her sister, but she only nodded in response. Today was not the day for it.  
Clarke dropped her head down onto her shoulder. “How did you know to do that?”   
“She told me once that she found that song soothing,” Lexa answered simply and gave the tiniest of shrugs.  
“I didn’t even think about it,” Anya shook her head, as if scolding herself.  
“It was a good idea,” Clarke nodded as she intertwined their fingers.

They stood there for a few moments, just silently watching as Raven talked and joked with her boys, as she called them. Lexa drew a deep breath and just gratefully took in the sight. God, what a day. But, it was going to be okay. Everything was going to be okay - Raven, was going to be okay and that was really all that mattered.

“Remind me to kick her ass when my mother is done with her,” Clarke finally sighed and shook her head.  
“Dibs,” Octavia said quickly as she raised a pointed finger.  
“Get in line,” Anya quipped back with a bit side-glance.  
Lexa chuckled lightly before dropping her head back against the wall and closing her eyes.

How she had ever managed to survive two years without these people, she would never understand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And look at that - I didn't even leave you on a cliffhanger this time. What the hell is wrong with me?
> 
> I have no excuse for my lengthy absence.  
> Life.


	88. Chapter 88

Clarke stood in the kitchen staring at a mostly blank canvas with a paintbrush in one hand and a stiff drink in the other. The last couple of weeks had been hectic to say the least, and really, with all of the chaos of the holiday season upon them, there really didn’t seem to be any time to just sit and sort out any of the thoughts in head and at this point, – her mind was definitely just feeling it.

Her mother had wasted little time scheduling Raven for surgery which, much to everyone’s relief, had gone off without a hitch and though she was still sore, Raven was recovering faster than anyone had expected and had been released from the hospital only a few days ago, but only after promising to Abby that she would take it as easy as possible. 

Lexa had been insanely busy since Thanksgiving and because of that, mostly absent. Though they still texted and talked on the phone, and Clarke understood it, really – she did, it honestly just didn’t seem like enough. She needed more. She needed to see her. To have her close and more than anything, she needed to talk to her – really talk to her and not over the phone. However at the same time, with the holidays so close, she honestly couldn’t help but wonder if it was something that should wait.

Ever since her conversation with Gustus about Lexa not thinking that she had been good enough to be with her – that seemed to be all that Clarke could think about and for the life of her – it just didn’t make any sense. She tried not to think about it – really, she did, but more often than not, she’d find her mind spinning with thoughts and questions – like a twisted game of telephone and she didn’t know what to do about it. Her mind would flash back to their game nights and even to the night of their screaming match and the more it happened, the more little thing would jump out at her and it was really just driving her up the wall.

Lexa had said that she felt less than – that she always had. She had said that she didn’t think she was enough.

Smacking the paintbrush against the canvas with a loud crack, Clarke released as huff and glared at it. 

She had always assumed that Lexa had been speaking in general – that, generally speaking, she hadn’t been good enough. How the hell was she supposed to know that it was actually her that she hadn’t felt good enough for? And the even bigger question that seemed to be eating at her was – why? Not once, had Clarke ever acted like she was better than Lexa – or anyone else for that matter. Yes, it was true, she had come from a home that was financially better off than everyone else but she had never, ever flaunted that fact and everything that she had – she had worked for it, the same as everyone else. 

And then there was Lexa – Lexa was fucking amazing. Brilliant and beautiful. Strong and sweet. How could she ever – ever think that she wasn’t good enough?! 

“What’s going on in that head of yours, Griff?” Raven asked from her designated spot on the couch.  
Clarke stared at the canvas and felt her eyes sharpen further. “I couldn’t even begin to tell you,” she answered quietly.  
“I don’t like that look in your eyes,” Raven responded in a somewhat solemn tone.  
“I don’t really care,” Clarke responded with a slight shrug. It was true. She had been thinking too much. Too much and too hard, and now she was so weighted with thought and emotion that she really just didn’t care – she couldn’t care.  
“Listen...” Raven started with a sigh as she shifted positions.  
“Don’t,” Clarke’s steely eyes snapped in her direction. God, what the hell was wrong with her?  
“Seriously?” Raven held her gaze as the tension in the room increased. “Look, you either need to get laid or get your period and I don’t know which, but you really need to get on with it already and get the hell out of your head.”  
Clarke felt her eyes narrow slightly as a feeling moved through her lower abdomen. Okay, so maybe that was true. It did certainly make sense. Hormones would explain it – at least, some of it anyway.

A moment passed before a knock at the door called their attention. Rolling her eyes slightly and setting her glass down, Clarke made her way to the door and sighed before pulling it open to relieve the one person that she really needed to see.

“Hi,” Lexa said with a soft smile playing on her face and the few snowflakes clinging to her hair  
Clarke stared back at her, instantly torn between the elation that she felt at the mere sight of her and everything that had preceded it.  
"Hey," Lexa’s brow furrowed slightly. “Are you okay?”  
Clarke reached out, slipping her fingers around her wrist and without a word, pulled her into the apartment and toward the hallway.

“Fucking crap,” Raven mumbled as she pulled out her phone and began typing a message. 

Shooting Raven a glare the was accompanied by a very hard eye roll, Clarke continued to drag Lexa down the hallway and pulled her into the bedroom, closing the door rather loudly behind her. As a million words began to bubble up in her throat, Clarke rubbed the back of her neck and began to pace, all the while feeling Lexa’s eyes on her. 

Where should she start? There were so many things that she was wondering and so many answers that she needed. 

“Clarke,” Lexa’s voice broke into her thoughts. “What’s going on?”  
Clarke held up her hand and shook her head. Fuck. Fuck. Just – fuck. “I don’t know,” she groaned lightly. “My head is all over the place – it’s too full.”  
“Okay, so, talk to me,” Lexa said calmly and took a step forward, tilting her head slightly.  
Clarke looked up and again froze as she took in the sight and something deep inside of her ached in yearning. Ugh, fucking hormones. Okay. First things first.

Taking three large strides, Clarke hooked her fingers into the scarf that was wrapped around Lexa’s neck and pulled her into a kiss that sent a soothing and tingling sensation rushing through her body and God – did she need that right now. After allowing herself to get lost in the feeling for several long seconds, Clarke inched back, breaking the kiss and pressed her forehead to Lexa’s as she released a shaky breath. Okay – yeah, that definitely helped a bit. 

“Talk to me,” Lexa repeated, her voice soft and comforting.  
Clarke took a deep breath and stepped away. Okay. Here we go. Like ripping off a Band-Aid – just ask. “What did I ever do to make you think that I thought that I was better than you?” That made sense, right?  
Lexa’s brow furrowed as she eyes narrowed slightly. “I never said that,” she said rather cautiously.  
“Why didn’t you think that you weren’t good enough,” Clarke tried again, “for me,” she added, wanting to be clearer this time.  
Lexa eyes widened as her jaw clamped shut. “Who told you that?” She asked as her spine straightened and she took a step back.  
“Gustus,” Clarke answered simply.  
Lexa’s face twisted slightly as she released a tiny huff. “It wasn’t like that,” she answered. “Well, it kind of was – but not really.”  
“Will you explain?” Clarke asked without breaking her stare.  
“I just…” Lexa started and dropped her eyes to the floor. “I don’t know. I guess my thoughts were that I wanted to be able to take care of you – to provide…”  
Clarke’s body flashed with a sudden rush of angry heat. “Do I look like I need someone to take care of me?”  
Lexa’s eyes widened as her jaw gaped a bit. “No,” she shook her head quickly. “No. I didn’t mean it that way.”  
“Then how did you mean it?” Clarke stared at her with a hardened glare. It was an odd issue – stupid even, but to her, a real one and something that she was actually a bit sensitive about, so she really didn’t care how ridiculous it was. 

While it was true that she had come from money and within their tight little group she was referred to as the princess, the reality of who she was, was actually the complete opposite. Money, to her, wasn’t a status symbol and she didn’t care about it – everybody knew it. She hadn’t spent all of those years working multiple jobs and just getting by because she had to – she did it because she wanted to. She had always been fiercely independent that way and had wanted her life to be something that she worked for – something that she had built. Her opinion had always been that if she was going to get anywhere in her life, she was going to do it on her own. It was important. 

Lexa loosened her scarf and pulled it from her neck. “Clarke,” she paused and took a breath. “I know that you don’t need to be taken care of – at least, not like that,” she paused again, allowing the tiniest of smirks to play on her face as something devilish danced in her eyes. “Look, you know that I never really had much. I had always worked multiple jobs and even then – I didn’t have much to show for it. I got by and that was fine, but it wasn’t enough.”  
“What wasn’t enough?” Clarke shook her head, ignoring the rush of heat suddenly flushed through her body.  
“Me,” Lexa shrugged simply. “I always wanted to do better – to be better and then as time went on it kind of, I don’t know – changed,” she explained, “or at least, my reasoning did.”  
Clarke felt her brow furrow as her anger dissipated. Her reasoning? “What do you mean?”  
Lexa rubbed the back of her neck and thought for a moment. “Well, I didn’t know how you felt,” she shrugged lightly, her gaze dropping to the floor, “or if you felt anything at all – you know, on that level. I didn’t know if you would give me a chance,” her eyes sharpened as she focused on the carpet, “but, I knew that if I was ever going to find out, that I needed to be in a more stable position first. I needed to be better. I wanted to be able to provide for you - for us and for the life that I hoped to build with you and…”  
“Wait,” Clarke cut her off and shook her head because, what? Did that mean..? “You thought about that? About building a life, with me?”  
Lexa smiled lightly and bit her lip as a light blush bloomed on her cheeks. “I did,” she nodded. “I think deep down, I always knew that I wanted to be with you,” she admitted quietly. “But, then it really kicked into high gear when we started sleeping together again, after Finn and Costia.”  
Clarke stared at her, feeling a warmth suddenly spreading through her chest as a rush of moisture filled her eyes.

Really?

“When things started happening between us again I – God, I just wanted more and I don’t mean just the sex – although it was pretty amazing. I wanted more of you, but at the same time,” Lexa closed her eyes and shook her head. “I just couldn’t see where I had anything to offer you."  
“You had you – you dummy,” Clarke responded with something between a scoff and a chuckle as a tear slipped down her cheek. “I didn’t need anything else.”  
“Clarke, it didn't feel like enough - nowhere near enough.” Lexa took a step forward, reaching out and lacing their fingers together. “I couldn't really build anything from where I was then and I wanted more for you – for us.”

Okay, well, on a level – knowing Lexa the way that she did, that actually made sense and she could understand it, but still. This woman...

“Lex, you know how I feel about things like that.” Clarke told her softly. “We could be living in a one room shack, driving around in a rusty old beater and living off canned ravioli and I…” she stopped, unable to contain her laughter over the way that Lexa’s face twisted up in obvious disgust at the thought.  
“We will not be living off of that crap,” Lexa shook her head adamantly.  
“It’s not that bad,” Clarke smiled at her and pulled her closer, cupping her cheek.  
“It’s bad enough,” Lexa responded with a pointed look.  
Clarke laughed again and thumbed her cheek lightly. “My point is that I wouldn’t care,” she finally finished. “I would gladly welcome a shack if it meant that I got to sleep next to you every night.” Totally true.  
“How about a nice three bedroom instead?” Lexa spit out and instantly her eyes widened in what appeared to be shock.  
“What?” Clarke blinked, feeling her brow knit up as a swarm of butterflies seemed to erupt in her chest. “Wait, are you…are you being serious right now?”  
Lexa smiled, but her cheeks suddenly burned a deep crimson. “I didn’t actually mean to say that,” she said with a slight wince.  
“Oh,” Clarke nodded in understanding and immediately tried to hide the pang of disappointment that reverberated around inside of her as she went to step away. Fuck.  
“Clarke,” Lexa tightened her grip and pulled her back. “That doesn’t mean that I didn’t mean it,” she smiled warmly.  
“You,” Clarke felt her eyebrows raise. “You want to live with me?”  
“I already told you,” Lexa’s smile widened as she pulled their bodies together. “I want everything.”  
Clarke stared at her, suddenly feeling as though everything in her entire being had just short circuited while her body flooded with warmth.  
“This wasn’t exactly how I wanted to bring it up, but um,” Lexa paused and bit her lip. “What do you think?”

Are you kidding? 

Clarke inched forward and pressed their lips together in a lingering kiss. “I think that we need to start looking for a place,” she told her with a smile when the kiss finally broke.  
“Maybe I've already found one?” Lexa smiled back at her.  
“Oh, have you?” Clarke asked as she draped her arms lazily across her shoulders.  
“Maybe,” Lexa responded as she reached up and tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. "We'll see?"  
Clarke released a squeaky giggle and shimmied on the spot, quite literally overtaken by the giddiness bubbling under her skin and then suddenly remembered something very important that had been lost among the recent distance and chaos. “Come home with me for Christmas?"  
Lexa’s lips stretched into a warm smile. "I would love to," she said before inching forward and bringing their lips together once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nope - no excuse.


	89. Chapter 89

Lexa let out a slight sigh as she walked through yet another store, letting her eyes float over the endless rows of merchandise and trying desperately to find the right gift for Clarke. 

A couple of days had passed since her conversation with Clarke and the news of their decision to move in together had spread through their group like wildfire and everyone, including Jake and Abby, seemed to be completely on board with the idea. What had caught her attention the most though, was how Anya and Raven almost instantly announced that they too would be moving in together, but even more than that, it was a comment that Anya made about it being something that was long overdue. The more Lexa thought about that one simple comment, the more that it just seemed to eat her up inside.

“You okay over there, squirt?” Anya asked without looking at her.  
Lexa rolled her eyes slightly and took a sip of her coffee. Just once – once, could she actually use her name? “I’m fine,” she replied simply.  
Anya turned and narrowed her eyes. “What are you thinking about?”  
Lexa let out a sigh and let her shoulders drop a bit. “My leaving really affected you and Raven’s relationship, like a lot, didn’t it?”  
Anya stared at her for a moment, appearing to be choosing her words. “Yes,” she finally answered in short.  
“I never meant for that to happen,” Lexa said as her heart sunk a little. It was absolutely true.  
“We’ve talked about this,” Anya said as she took a step forward. “I don’t blame you.”  
“I know that you don’t, but seeing how you and Raven reacted to the idea of living together it just…” Lexa paused and shook her head. “It made me see how much your lives really got put on hold, because of me.”  
“Hey,” Anya shook her head immediately. “No one made Raven move in with Clarke – hell, Clarke didn’t even really want her to. That was all on Raven. She didn’t like the idea of Clarke living alone. She didn’t want her to be alone. We talked about it and I supported her decision to move in with Clarke instead of with me.”  
“You had asked her to move in with you?” Lexa’s eyes widened slightly.  
“It was something that we had talked about,” Anya nodded simply. “But I understood why she wanted to move in with Clarke. I respected it even.”  
Lexa nodded, feeling her chest tighten slightly. “Still,” she said softly. “I’m sorry.”  
“Stop.” Anya responded flatly and shook her head. “It’s done – over. Let it go and focus on now,” she paused and smirked. “Besides, you have a gift to find.”  
Lexa rolled her eyes and groaned as she glanced back at the shelves and stomped her foot like a toddler.

This was impossible. Absolutely fucking impossible. For weeks now she had been trying and failing to find a gift for Clarke and now it was at the point where it was beyond stressing her out. It wasn’t necessarily that she couldn’t find anything. It wasn’t. She had found lots of things – tons in fact, but none of them worked. They were all too simple, too – easy. This was going to be their first Christmas together as a couple and she didn’t want to get her any old ordinary gift. She wanted something that was different, something that was unique and – popped, so to speak. Something special.

“Relax,” Anya said as she gave her a slight nudge. “You’ll find it.”  
“God, I hope so.” Lexa shook her head and continued looking over the shelves. Nope – never going to happen. Fucking hopeless. “I only have a couple of hours to look and then I have to go meet Clarke. We’re supposed to look at that apartment tonight.”  
“Right, right,” Anya nodded. “Well, even if you don’t find it today, you still have time before Christmas.”  
“Not enough,” Lexa huffed as she flipped through a bin of random items. “I’m glad that you’re coming to Jake and Abby’s too,” she added.  
“Me too,” Anya nodded. “It’ll be nice actually spending Christmas with Raven.”  
“Did Raven say yet whether or not Jake got ahold of Uncle Gus?” Lexa questioned as they turned down another row.  
“Nope,” Anya shook her head. “I tried calling him, but he didn’t pick up and he hasn’t called me back yet.”  
“It’s that crazy time of year,” Lexa nodded. Totally true. “I hope that he comes though.”  
“Me too,” Anya agreed with a small smile.

Two hours later Lexa left the mall empty handed and feeling more than a little frustrated as she parted ways with her sister. On her drive back to her apartment she thought and thought, and thought about what she could possibly get for Clarke and then at the same time, simultaneously disregarded every single idea that popped into her head until it got to the point where it started to feel as though her brain was literally beginning to eat itself. None of them were good enough, none of them worked and if she didn’t get her ass in gear soon, this Christmas was going to be a colossal failure on her part. 

Finally pulling into a parking stop about a half a block away from her building, Lexa stepped out of her car with a huff and felt her phone vibrate. Fishing it out of her pocket, she quickly unlocked it and stared down at the screen.

Clarke: It’s too cold outside. I’m waiting in the lobby.

Stuffing her phone back into her pocket, Lexa quickly made her way down the block and across the street before finally reaching the door to her building. Stepping inside, her eyes instantly fell on Clarke, who was standing with her arms crossed and intently staring at the mural that covered the lobby wall.

“Do you like it?” Lexa questioned as she stepped forward and wrapped her arms around her.  
“It’s okay,” Clarke responded with a slight shrug and pressed back into her. “Hi.”  
“Hi,” Lexa smiled and dropped a light kiss on her cheek. “The first time that I saw it, it made me think of your work only, different somehow,” she added, motioning back to the wall.  
Clarke scoffed lightly and shook her head. “Well, it should,” she said as she stepped out of the embrace. “I did it,” she walked forward and squatted down, pointing to the corner of the mural.

Wait, really?

Lexa walked closer and knelt down, inching closer and as her eyes began to focus on the itty bitty writing, sure as shit – the signature did actually belong to Clarke.  
“Of all the buildings in town, you just had to move into this one, didn’t you?” Clarke grinned and shook her head.  
Lexa felt her brow furrow. But… “Why didn’t you ever say anything?”  
Clarke shrugged again and straightened up. “It was commissioned about a couple of weeks after you left,” she explained. “Your landlord loved it, but me? Eh. I was in a pretty bad place then, so it’s not one of my favorites.”  
Lexa stared at her for a moment and bit the inside of her lip. Hm. “Maybe we shouldn’t consider an apartment in this building,” she offered rather tentatively.  
“Why not?” Clarke gave her a rather confused look and shook her head.  
“I don’t know,” Lexa shrugged. “Would it bother you – seeing that every day?”  
Clarke grinned and inched forward, placing a light kiss on her lips. “No, it wouldn’t bother me,” she told her. “Besides, from what you’ve told me, the apartment sounds great.”  
“Well, if you’re ready, we can go up and see it now,” Lexa said as she motioned to the elevator.  
“Like, right now?” Clarke questioned looking slightly confused. “Don’t we need someone to let us in?”  
Lexa smirked and reached into her, pulling out a small key and holding it out to her.  
“How did you get that?” Clarke asked as her eyes widened slightly.  
“Echo,” Lexa continued to smirk and shrugged lightly.  
“Oh,” Clarke nodded, but something flickered in her eyes.  
Lexa’s eyes rolled ever so slightly. Yep, know that look. “Clarke,” she said as she shook her head.  
“What?” Clarke asked and then gave her a nudge. “Look I can’t help it, okay? It’s like an automatic reflex.”  
“You don’t have anything to worry about,” Lexa chuckled lightly as she pulled her in ad dropped a kiss on the side of her head. “Come on,” she added as she pulled her toward the elevators.

After stopping on her floor to drops off her things, the pair made their way back into the elevator and up to the top floor. Though Lexa hadn't actually seen the apartment for herself yet, from what she had heard about it, she was already pretty sure that she was going to like it and on a level, more than sure that Clarke would too.

“Are you ready?” Lexa asked as she stopped in front of the last door at the end of hall.  
“Mhm,” Clarke nodded with an excited looking glint in her eyes.  
Slipping the key into the lock, Lexa pushed the door opened and took Clarke’s hand in her own before stepping over the threshold.

Just like her apartment this one also had medium hardwood flooring and crisp white walls, with an open planned kitchen and a set of glass doors that lead out to a balcony. The difference between the two however was definitely in the size as this living room seemed to be almost twice as large as the one that she currently had. 

“Damn,” Clarke breathed as she looked around with a smile forming on her face.  
“Seconded,” Lexa nodded as she made her way over toward the kitchen. “Oh yeah, I could totally cook in here,” she added, as she took in the layout, before glancing at Clarke and making a mental note to buy an extra fire extinguisher.  
“Come on,” Clarke said suddenly as she motioned to the hallway. “Let’s go check out the bedrooms.”

Once in the hallway, Clarke opened the first door that they came too and Lexa peaked inside, not at all surprised at what she saw. A large bedroom with medium hardwood flooring and crisp white walls. Yep – just like hers. Her landlord definitely liked to keep things uniform. Knowing that the next room would look pretty much the same, Lexa instead made her way to what she was sure was the bathroom and smiled the second she stepped inside. 

“What are you smiling at?” Clarke questioned curiously as she came up beside her.  
“Look,” Lexa pointed at the toilet. “No ridiculous angled ceiling over the toilet. I won’t have to worry about the guys pissing all over the place.”  
“Oh stop,” Clarke rolled her eyes playfully as she continued to make her way down the hallway. “They didn’t do too bad that weekend.”  
“Too bad, does not equal good, Clarke,” Lexa shook her head and followed.  
“Still, could have been worse.” Clarke shrugged as she opened a door and closed it again. “Closet,” she explained shortly.  
“One room left,” Lexa nodded and bit her lip, and already knowing what to expect from Echo’s description, hung back a little and watched as Clarke opened the door and stepped inside.

The room was massive and, like the rest of the apartment, had medium hardwood flooring and crisp white walls. What set it apart from the rest of the apartment though, was the windows. Two full walls were taken up by nothing but crystal clear glass and the view was simply something to die for.

“Lexa,” Clarke’s voice came out with a hint of awe.  
Lexa grinned as stepped forward, leaning herself against the doorway. “It’s supposed to be the master bedroom,” she explained, “but I was thinking it might be better as shared workspace.”  
“Really?” Clarke turned and looked at her with a smile.  
Lexa nodded and stepped into the room. “If you like it,” she said as she wrapped and arm around her waist and pulled her close.  
“Like it?” Clarke laughed as her eyes sparkled with happiness. “Lex, are you kidding? I fucking love it.”  
Lexa felt a smile stretch on her face as a warmth spread through her chest and she found herself drifting deep into the depths of those eyes. 

God, how she loved this woman. 

"Hey," Clarke said softly as she cupped her cheek. "Where'd you go?"  
Lexa blinked, feeling slightly foolish. "Nowhere," she said and shook her head. “So, we’re actually doing this?”  
“Yeah,” Clarke smiled lovingly. “We actually are,” she nodded, placing a chaste kiss on her lips before stepping out of the embrace with a little twirl and walking toward the windows.  
Lexa chuckled and shook her head as she made her way back toward the door with a small smirk playing on her face. “Oh and before you get any ideas,” she said without turning back, “you’re still banished from my kitchen,” she finished before taking off down the hallway as Clarke’s protesting words echoed behind her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two updates in one week? Hmm, maybe I'm on to something here.  
> (Don't hold me to it - my updates are still totally unpredictable.)


	90. Chapter 90

Stepping out of the shower, Clarke wrapped herself in a towel and let out a small sigh as she dropped her shoulders down and gave her back a lengthy stretch. It had been a long day – a long week actually and everything around her just seemed to be moving at lighting speed lately. Between her work and Raven’s surgery, Lexa’s crazy schedule and the typical madness that the holiday season always brought with it, the world just seemed to constantly be swirling around her and all of her days were just blending together somehow. 

And then there was the move, or rather, at the moment – just the thought of the move, which in itself was completely enthralling and consuming – though also exhausting in a way, because she simply couldn’t stop thinking about it. She just couldn’t. She wanted it, needed it - craved it and couldn’t wait for the moment when that thought would actually be a reality. Where like Lexa, the place that she called home would no longer only be a person, but rather a place too and a place that they called home – together.

Lexa…

Lexa had seemed a little off lately – not necessarily angry or cold, but just distracted and maybe even a little distant – stressed, and though Clarke wasn’t sure what the exact cause of it was, deep down, she really couldn't help but hope that it had nothing to do with their decision to move in together. 

Slipping into a pair of rather tiny panties and an old t-shirt that was both oversized and over worn, Clarke leaned back against the vanity and proceeded to dry her hair.

She could have asked her. She could have, but she hadn’t and she hadn’t because was scared. Scared that maybe somewhere in her head, Lexa was second guessing the whole idea of the two of them living together. Scared that maybe she thought that they were moving too fast. After all, Lexa had admitted that she hadn’t actually meant to suggest it and that basically it had just slipped out. Granted, she had also said that the fact that she didn’t mean that she hadn’t meant it, but still. Ugh, stupid fear.

Rolling her eyes, Clarke gave her hair one last flip and hung up her towel before exiting the bathroom and making her way down the hallway towards the living room, but then froze at the very edge when her eyes fell on something that she had not seen in a very, very long time. Lexa was sitting at the kitchen table with her eyes intently focused on her laptop screen and her glasses perched on the tip of her nose. Damn.

Lexa in her glasses. It had been so long since Clarke had actually seen her in them that she couldn’t even remember the last time, and apparently she had also forgotten just how utterly adorable and insanely hot Lexa looked when she wore them. Well fuck. It might just be time for another shower.

“So, you do still wear them,” Clarke said when she finally found her voice.  
Lexa glanced up from the screen slowly as her brow furrowed. “Sorry?”  
“Your glasses,” Clarke explained with a smirk and nodded in her direction as she crossed the room.  
“Oh. Yeah, I do,” Lexa nodded as she pushed them up her nose a bit. “Mostly just at work though,” she added as she closed her laptop with a slight, almost unnoticeable, sigh and pushed it aside. 

Almost unnoticeable.

Clarke leaned forward on to the back of one of the chairs and eyed her for a moment. Okay. Enough of this. Just enough. Fuck it. “What’s going on with you lately?”  
“What do you mean?” Lexa shrugged feebly as she stared at the table and worked her jaw.  
“You seem bothered and stressed out or something,” Clarke responded rather pointedly. “Is it work? Is it me? Are you having second thoughts about our dec…”  
“No!” Lexa’s eyes snapped up quickly as she cut her off. “No. I’m not having second thoughts about anything and certainly not anything that has to do with you,” she clarified and held her gaze.  
Clarke smiled lightly. Okay, well that was something and it definitely made her feel better, but… “Then what’s going on? Is it work? Did something happen?”  
“No,” Lexa shook her head and shrugged again. “Work is fine – busy, but fine. It’s just…it’s,” she paused and drew a breath, “it’s just stupid,” she finished with a frustrated huff as she removed her glasses and tossed them on top of her laptop.  
“Lex, if it is stressing you out this much then trust me, it is not stupid,” Clarke shook her head and moved to drop down into the chair. “Come on, talk to me. What’s stressing you out so bad?”  
Lexa glanced up briefly and then let her eyes fall again. “Christmas,” she finally mumbled.  
Clarke felt her brow furrow as her head tilted slightly. Christmas? “Lexa, if you’re not comfortable coming home with me or something, you don’t…”  
“It’s not that,’ Lexa shook her head, interrupting her yet again.  
“Well then,” Clarke shrugged and released a short sigh. “What is it?”  
Lexa continued to keep her gaze low and began to tap her foot, seemingly embarrassed and almost…uncomfortable. 

Okay yeah – something was most definitely up.

“Baby,” Clarke started softly as she tilted her head slightly.  
“I can’t find you a gift,” Lexa blurted out and shook her head, clearly berating herself mentally, and keeping her gaze low. “I keep looking and looking, but nothing is right – nothing is good enough.”  
Clarke felt her eyebrow instantly lift. Good enough? Seriously? This again? “Lexa, you know that I don’t care about things like that. You know it, so why…”  
“I don’t mean it like that,” Lexa cut her off, but finally raised her eyes. “It’s not a materialistic thing. It’s not. It’s not that I can’t find something expensive enough or flashy enough – or even impressive enough.”  
Clarke eyed her curiously. “Then what?”  
Lexa thought for a moment, seemingly struggling to find the right words. “Good enough,” she finally repeated. “It’s our first Christmas, Clarke. Our first one, with you and I together – as a couple and I want something that’s good enough to mark that.”  
“Baby,” Clarke sighed as a smile stretched on her face and an adoring warmth spread through her body.  
“I know,” Lexa practically whined as she shook her head again. “I know that it’s stupid – I know that, but I can’t help it.”  
Still smiling, Clarke merely shook her head. This woman.

Okay, maybe it was true. Maybe it was a bit stupid and if not stupid, then at least, a little bit silly, but at the same time – knowing Lexa, it honestly made complete sense. She was absolutely the type to want to mark such an occasion and without a doubt the type of person who would completely stress herself out over it.

Shaking her head again, Clarke couldn’t help but stare and continue to smile, because, in truth, she had been having a similar problem. Not quite for the same reasons, but still – the same problem. “I have a thought,” she finally said. “Well, first an admission and then a thought.”  
Lexa tilted her head slightly and furrowed her brow in obvious confusion. “An admission?”   
Clarke nodded. “I think that we can both agree that things have been a little crazy lately,” she explained.  
“Now there’s an understatement,” Lexa agreed, popping her eyebrows sharply and giving her head a slight shake.  
Clarke grinned. “Well, if we are being completely honest here, with everything that has been going on, I haven’t been able to find a gift for you either or even really had much time to try and even when I do – they just all feel, I don’t know – wrong somehow.”  
Lexa gave a short nod. “I know the feeling,” she mumbled rather dejectedly.   
“So, here’s what I am thinking,” Clarke said as she got to her feet and then resettled herself on Lexa’s lap, unable to help but draw a quick breath as she felt the scratch of fabric between her thighs. Come on – focus. “You have things and I have things, but we, don’t have things,” she said as she cupped her cheek lightly.  
Lexa eyed her curiously and tipped her head slightly. “I don’t think I follow,” she responded quietly.  
Clarke smiled lightly. “Well, maybe instead of trying to focus on buying something for each other, we can buy something together,” she explained and thumbed her cheek, “something that we choose, for our home – together.”  
“Yeah?” Lexa questioned as the sweetest smile slowly spread on her face.  
“Yeah,” Clarke nodded as her smile widened. “It won’t only mark our first Christmas together, but also like,” she paused and thought for a moment, “the beginning of our next chapter together too,” she finally finished.

As Lexa appeared to mull the suggestion over in her head, Clarke merely waited and continued to thumb her cheek. Maybe it seemed a little ridiculous, and perhaps even a little odd, but in her head – it also made sense. And really, what with them was really qualified as normal anyway? Granted, yes – they could technically follow the norm and make themselves crazy shopping separately for each other and she was sure that at some point – they would, but right now, for this Christmas – their first Christmas, they could do it together. 

“You don’t think that people will think that it’s weird?” Lexa’s voice broke into her thoughts.  
Clarke blinked and instantly shrugged. What a silly question. “Do I care?”  
“Probably not,” Lexa released the smallest chuckle and shook her head. “But, do you?”  
“Not at all,” Clarke grinned and inched forward, lightly pressing their noses together. “So, what do you think?”  
“I love it,” Lexa whispered, lightly brushing their lips together in the process.  
Clarke inhaled lightly, instantly feeling her body buzz. “I love you,” she barely breathed before inching forward and finally stealing her lips. 

The kiss was soft and gentle – sweet, but also full. Full of the warmth that was flooding its way through her system, full of the love that was constantly robbing her of the ability to even think and maybe even full of the need that was starting to pulse rather powerfully between her thighs. Fuck.

Reaching up, Clarke tangled her fingers deep into the dark locks at the base of Lexa’s skull and pressed closer, gasping and pulling lightly as she felt that scratch of fabric again and her body gave a slight shudder. Eagerly, she pressed forward again and ignored the sound that escaped her lips as two warm hands suddenly smoothed their way up her legs and began to massage the joints of her hips, instantly causing that pulsing to increase and her temperature to climb. 

A moment later Lexa broke the kiss and started trailing her lips lower as her hands continued massaging, slowing inching closer and closer, but not nearly getting close enough. Clarke tipped her head back, feeling a pool of heat building at her core and released a small moan as her hips began a slow, steady roll. Wasting no time, her other hand found its way to the swell of Lexa’s breast and thumbed over an unsurprisingly already hardened nipple. God, did she love how absolutely in sync their bodies were.

“Lexa...” Clarke whined lightly, starting to feel desperate for more contact. “Baby, don’t tea…” her voice broke off in a strangled whimper as she felt Lexa’s thumb finally brush against her core.   
“Who’s teasing?” Lexa questioned, her voice coming out rather strong as she ghosted a bite below her ear and circled her thumb again, this time dipping below the fabric.   
“Fuck…” Clarke sighed, closing her eyes and continuing to roll her hips forward, finally feeling the pad of Lexa’s thumb against her clit, which was aching for the attention.  
“I love it when you’re like this,” Lexa breathed against her ear as she continued circling her clit.   
Clarke clamped her eyes closed tighter and tried to steady her breathing. She could already feel it, deep within her core – this was not going to take long. Fuck.   
Lexa continued to kiss and lick at her skin, just tasting every inch of her that she could as her thumb picked up speed and continued working its magic. As a light sheen of sweat spread on their bodies, Clarke was absolutely lost with every swipe and swirl sending her barreling even closer. It was amazing, so fucking amazing how only little digit could cause so much fucking pleasure.

“Oh God,” Clarke cried out as Lexa’s teeth sunk into her the skin below her ear and everything inside of her rapidly coiled inward. “Lex…” her voice failed as her hips froze and her spine arched hard, leaving her still closed eyes filled with nothing but a flash of light as every inch of her body screaming out before she collapsed forward, burying her head and gasping for breath while the ripples of her orgasm tapered away.

“I guess you will be needing another shower,” Lexa said after a few passing moments, the tone of amusement heavy in her voice.  
“Don’t sound so smug,” Clarke mumbled from the crook of her neck, but smiled all the same.  
Lexa chuckled lightly and turned, pressing a kiss against the side of her head and even then, she could still feel the smile. “Come on,” she said, hooking her arms below Clarke’s thighs and standing up in one push. “I’ll help you get cleaned up again.”  
Tightening her grip and crossing her ankles, Clarke felt her eyebrow lift as a devilish little smirk stretched on her face.

Yeah right – as if actually showering was even going to be an option.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nope, not abandoned.

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to contact me here:  
> • z.roe@hotmail.com  
> • @zroe_z (Twitter)


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